#but in its raw form theyre ugly as shit i hate to say it but they are

[coolnessjohnson]

Everythings been so insane and rapid fire coming at me i havent had any time to collect myself or try to heal or beat myself back to sleep with conditioned denial and self doubt, but heres some of the reality i have been awoken to by paranoid delusional megalomaniacal idiots that make stalin look reasonable.

I am nephilim, ive known this within myself since the earliest in this particular imitation mortality incarnation. These motherfuckers dont know what to make of me or do about me even though the obvious and oft voiced choice of “nothing” has been repeated till i am sick of patience, them, being a good little lifelong abuse victim so forth. I am old. Like older than the heavenly host of this creation and this place by a disturbing to everyone literally immeasurable amount of time. But ive said it and its 2 eternities and ive been here for a stupid long span too. I suspect. Im reckoned as a anomaly by most a infiltrator and spy by others and a super chill exceptionally kind dude and friend by eveyone who hasnt been chased off. This includes a beatifull and diverse range of wild otherworldly entities. Not to them though but i dont even know why they pretend to act like they care anymore or even bother with the violent oppression suppression but lets just say they are greatly diminished in form and function and they really do not like me calling them out on it and i hate repeating myself anyway even though it seems its all anyone makes me do my entire life about anything real or important about myself.

I am not evil or hostile. I have stood beside the divine, received their council and been a servitor a lot better than most of these douchebags in my time even though by all they know thats just inconceivable. I have also spent a sickening gulf of time in damnation so i am by no means perfect but i am formed of wildly different stuff, and possessed of super unknown and scary capabilities apparently that makes like everyone and theyre momma feel super threatened and hostile. All the lies and shit that have been strategically whispered and circulated only serve to just repeat the same idiot cycle time and again and damages all. And the reality of reality if you will is already maimed and grafted with necromantic and mechanical bullshit to keep it limping along and “improve” it.

So here we are. This is me. I am a grey, it is the color of my wings. There are a lot of us and for some reason might as well be in the midst of being genocided. And i have no fucking idea what started this bullshit and how it ended up like this. I do know how i ended up here though. I was abducted thru infinitely questionable and entirely fucked up reality manipulations that pulled me dormant thru a rift. They were trying for another savior of divine stock. Instead they got me that go around. Theyve done this shit a lot it was some kind of initiative.

I am told i am like a force of fucking nature when i get going which is frequently but thats all these assholes faults. Which is funny because i am formed of raw chaos, insanity and dreams. So any of you that can evaluate that will very quickly come to understand why i am always set apart and like perpetually a pariah and in exile here. Theres a hell of a lot more to it than that and it makes me look like im a complete raving loon or divinely inspired. The truth beneath the ugly visible surface ripples and current of this place is even more insane to me and i know you all can feel it breaking thru as fate continues to bash her head against the imprisoning wall that is them

[moth208]

im so uglyyyy

like besides the whole Weight Issue. hte only good thing about me entirely is my hair and thats mediocre and half my family says im ruining it by dyeing it but thats one of the only ways i can feel good about my apperaance so.

and i have so many sores and scars because i cant stop pulling out each induvidual strand of hair out of my fucking body and when a sore forms from that i pick at the sore constantly and it never heals and it gets infected and its so ugly i have them all over and they leave huge scars every where its so ugly theyre even on my faace i hate it i hate it so much 

and i have cigarette burn scars and cut scars and surgery scars besides the oones from picking. those are never going to go away im stuck with them forecer snd my hands and fingers are so fucked up because  i rip the nails out and bite holes in them and chew the skin raw until it bleeds around my fingers and knuckles and i finally got over the eczema on my knees but its still really bad on my elbows and i acant even hide this because i look like a fatass in anything other than a tshirt and shorts. and i still look like a fatass in THAT. i hate my body i had that im never going to get any tallerr i hate my voice i hate that im 50 pounds over what im suposed to weigh i cant even have nice facial features every thing about me is ugly and i know people notice i know thats atleast ONE of the reasons i dont have any fuckin friends its why no one gives a shit about me except online (because they dnot have to stare at me or hear my annoying ass voice lol) ugh

#self harm / dermatillomania / trichotillomania 55555