#caedro

[our-arospec-experience]

cw:// trauma, CPTSD, ignorance on arospec, therapy/medical

——————————

me, explaining to my therapist how my romantic feelings have been drastically changed by my C-PTSD and how i’ve accepted that change. that i’m content identifying as aro and explaining the process of how i came to that conclusion (this blog was a part of it hehe)

her, pulls out DSM-5, not being able to find aromantic and says to not get lost in labels, to address the issue but she says she understands why i chose the label and is supportive??

like i love my therapist, she’s really sweet and understanding but omg miss girl doesn’t really understand LGBT terms and language and she can be ignorant by accident. that gave me whiPlash like thanks but what?? that’s the point of labels? i don’t want to trauma dump every time im asked why i no longer desire/feel for/repulsed by romantic things so i say i’m aromantic because it’s less triggering. i didn’t know what aromanticism was before or that romantic attraction can be different from sexual. and when i found out, it really resonated with me. i could understand a lot of aromantic’s experiences. i didn’t feel alone/weird anymore. i’m still sapphic sexually but romantically i’m aro/caedro. and i’m chill with that

- 🌻 anon

I’m glad you’ve found a label you resonate with so well :) Hopefully your therapist accepts you and lets you talk to her about aromanticism.

You are valid no matter what :)

#Tw trauma #tw cptsd #tw arophobia #tw therapy #tw medical #our arospec experience #arospec #aromantic #aro #lgbtqia+ #queer #caedromantic #sapphic #🌻 anon

[askanaroace]

Ask An Aro Ace ASAW Day 1: Trauma-Based Aromanticism

So today I want to write a bit about what it's like to be aromantic when your aromanticism is trauma-based, such as when a traumatic experience completely cut away your romantic attraction or when you still experience attraction but lack the motivation, confidence, or desire to act on it due to a traumatic experience.

Regardless of your flavor of queer, being queer is always scary in some way. You might be afraid of accepting your queerness, afraid of being wrong and different - afraid of being persecuted and oppressed. You might be afraid of your loved one's reactions, of facing their hate or judgement or even just their ignorance. You might be afraid of navigating through society with your new understanding of who you are, afraid of how this will impact your safety and your job and your ability to buy a home and start a family and get married and have kids.

When you're a trauma-based aromantic, you might, like me, also be afraid of navigating your own community. Afraid you won't be welcome. Afraid you validate bigotry and misconceptions against your community. Afraid people in and out of your community will believe you to be a faker who just needs to be "fixed".

For a long time, I walked this very confusing like where I identified as aromantic to allos but as not-aromantic to aros. I knew allo was no longer a fitting title and that I would not fit in with them. But I was also afraid that I was invading in a place where I shouldn't be in aro spheres. And even after I started broaching aro spaces as an aro, I was very fearful and cautious of revealing that I was caedromantic, someone whose aromanticism was directly tied in with the trauma I survived, which also meant that I couldn't relate to or speak on a lot of aro experiences that other aros had.

And while the target of my fear was me, this was honestly incredibly unfair to the aromantic community, who has never made me feel unwelcome or invalid. The aro community never asked or questioned why I was aro, even after learning the caedro part. They never judged me or silenced me. They never interrogated me. They never pushed me away or told me to leave. Aromantics have only ever accepted and supported me. It was only ever the cis allohets that have made me feel like I am not enough.

And more than that, by talking more and more about being a trauma-based aro, I have discovered that there are a lot more of us than you might imagine. Due to the kind of society we live in, people have trauma, even serious big-T Trauma, is damn common. And trauma changes your brain. It changes how you interact with the world. It changes your relationship to yourself and to others. You can change this further with healing, but trauma can indeed change the brain. It's valid and legitimate if trauma impacts your identity, how you relate to it, and/or how you express it.

But it's scary to admit this and talk about it because the cis allohets only want to use this as a gotchya. For them, this is not the opportunity about the wrongness of our society: exposing people to traumas, gaslighting them over traumas, refusing to provide support and resources for healing over traumas, punishing people for displaying any effects of trauma - it's about using this to invalidate aromanticism.

Any aspec person has heard the anti-aspec claims that being aspec is caused by trauma/mental illness/medication and can therefore be cured, as if we are ill, as if being ill is a reason to harm people. As a trauma-based aro, it feels like you are a direct confirmation of this claim. It feels like your very existence is problematic and harmful to other aros.

BUT!!!

Some people ARE aspec or question if they're aspec or think they're aspec for a while due to things like trauma, mental illness, and/or medication, and this is valid!!! This is the same shitty anti-phase logic like something can be valid and real if it's a phase. You know what's a phase? Everything. Every. Damn. Thing. is a phase. Being a toddler, being a teenager, being alive, bell bottoms, checks being a form of payment, cursive, typewriters, hair length, etc. You know what? Trauma changes you and healing isn't going to return you to who you were before you experienced that trauma. Mental illness is treated and accommodated and coped with but can't just be cured or erased. Some medications need taken for life. It doesn't matter why someone is aromantic or even if they know why at all. Aromantics exist, aromanticism harms no one, and aromantic people deserve to be respected and treated well. The problem isn't that I'm aromantic due to trauma. The problem is that I was exposed to that trauma in the first place. The problem is that support for healing from this trauma is so hard to access. The problem is the way people treat me for having this trauma. The problem is the way people treat me for being aromantic. But being aromantic, for whatever reason, is not a problem.

It doesn't matter if trauma-based aromantics exist or not. Even if we went away or "got cured" (I like being aromantic! I want to be aromantic forever!), anti-aro bigots would still be against aromanticism and seek to harm us. I learned a long time ago that there's no way to make bigots happy. There is no compromise to "I want you to have never existed in the first place, but since you're here now, you're an abomination who should be killed". Targeting trauma and other similar things 'causing' aromanticism is only one way of how anti-aro bigotry is expressed. Even if we didn't exist, the bigots would still hate us. They would still screech that we were broken and wrong and never meant to exist. In my experience, the best way to respond to this in a way that does the least harm to your spirit and soul is to embrace your identity wholeheartedly and exude pride and celebration.

So I'm done hiding. Yes, I am aro due to trauma. Yes, I am happy with this. No, I don't expect everyone to feel the same as me or understand the joy this brings me. No, not all aros are aro due to trauma.

But yes ALL aros are valid and legitimate and deserve to be celebrated!!!

#asaw #asaw 2023 #aromantic spectrum awareness week #arospec awareness week #aromantic #aro #aro spectrum #caedromantic #acoromantic #nebularomantic #erasromantic #inritoromantic #byumaromantic #trauma #trauma based aromanticism #aromanticism and trauma #trauma and aromanticism #asaw day 1 #long post #requisromantic

[neopronouns]

search isn't working i don't think, but i just wanted to double check if my follow-up on the caedro flags went through :'D ! the specification that id also like a version with alternate colors if you're able!

didn't get it originally, but i queued them and bumped them to post on the same day as the icon-friendly flags!

[cheshiire-warper]

Caedroantag / Caedrovillain [left] ; Gender related to being caedromantic and antagonists / villains. This includes, but is not limited to, caedromantic villains or feeling as if one's identity as caedromantic is inherently villainous

Caedaroaceantag / Caedaroacevillain [middle] ; Gender related to being caedaroace and antagonists / villains. This includes, but is not limited to, caedaroace villains or feeling as if one's identity as caedaroace is inherently villainous

Caedseantag / Caedsevillain [right] ; Gender related to being caedsexual and antagonists / villains. This includes, but is not limited to, caedsexual villains or feeling as if one's identity as caedsexual is inherently villainous

-

Color Meanings

Based on popular flags

Entomology

[Caedro]mantic + antag / [Caedro]mantic + villain

Caedaroace + antag / Caedaroace + villain

[Caedse]xual + antag / [Caedse]xual + villain

[bugs-sad-lgbtq-edits]

Caedromantic Moodboard for anon

#caedromantic #caedro

[trisockatops]

Shoutout to my fellow caedros and caedaces and in general all people whose identities have been impacted by trauma, whether this was a temporary impact or a permanent change.

You are not alone.

Even though it may feel like your experience is literally defining who you are, there is so much more to you. Your trauma is something you went through. Who you are is more than that. It’s more than one experience or one kind of experience. You are still you. You are still a whole, complete person there with a multitude of experiences and with your own feelings and emotions and self. 

You are worthy and deserving.

You went through something you never should have had to go through. You are strong. You are a survivor.

#caedromantic #caedsexual #caedro #caedace #trauma #rape #abuse #domsetic abuse #child abuse #shoutout #positivity #shout out #queer #lgbtqiap+ #lgbt #survivors #abuse survivors #trauma survivors #identity #sexuality #gender #aromantic #asexual #aro #ace #arospec #acespec #aro spectrum #ace spectrum

[clotpolesonly]

Derek for the arospec headcanon, please

What arospec identities do they have? (Can be as specific or vague as desired)

Derek’s not really big on labels, but if asked to put a fine point on it, he would probably call himself caedromantic. before Kate, he was young and oblivious enough to still be questioning what he felt and form whom, and then, well..... it happened. he never really felt the urge to question his attractions anymore after that.

he’s not sure if he always would’ve turned out this way, or if going through what he did with Paige and with Kate changed something in him. but it’s been years since the last time he even thought he might have been romantically attracted to someone, and it’s not something that bothers him. he doesn’t feel like he should or like he’s missing something in his life. he’s happy and satisfied without romance in his life, so he’s comfortable calling himself aromantic, regardless of how it came about.

How proud of being arospec are they?

it’s not so much a point of pride as it is a fact of life. it’s just a thing, like his height or his hair color. that doesn’t mean he’s ashamed of it or will ever accept being made to feel that way, but it’s a very lowkey thing for him.

he has been dragged into pride a time or two, though, and he let Stiles talk him into wearing an aro pride t-shirt. he drew the line at face paint and glitter, but he still has the shirt.

Do they prioritize their arospec identity over any others?

he may not make a big deal of being arospec, but it is a part of him. his identity as a werewolf and as a Hale will always come first, then aromantic, then everything else.

he hasn’t really bothered to pin down his sexuality because, frankly, it’s not relevant. he thinks he would probably have sex and he would probably enjoy it, but he’s not willing to engage like that with people he doesn’t deeply trust. he’s not particularly interested in sleeping with his friends or packmates either, so he just doesn’t have sex. that doesn’t bother him any more than abstaining from relationships does. that might make him some flavor of asexual, he thinks, but it doesn’t really matter to him. aro covers everything he needs it to.

Are they out? If so, how did they come out, and to whom?

Derek doesn’t like people prying into his person life or asking invasive questions. people who do usually get glared into submission or verbally smacked down.

Stiles is the first one to ask and actually get an answer. he’s the only one out of the pack nosy enough to brave Derek’s potential wrath and it pays off when Derek glares sort of half-heartedly for a minute, then rolls his eyes and caves to Stiles’ earnest curiosity. it’s not a secret, he says. after that, Derek doesn’t have to field any more questions; Stiles makes sure the whole pack knows pretty quick.

Derek finds he doesn’t mind being known when the people who know also care.

How do they feel about romance? Romance-favorable? Romance-neutral? Romance-repulsed? Or does it fluctuate?

just that it’s not for him. there’s something deeply uncomfortable about the kind of intimacy expected of romantic partners. he knows it’s supposed to be freeing or affirming or something, but to him it just sounds invasive in the worst way. and why should he be beholden to another person? expected to spend all his time with them (or, more like, expected to want to spend all his time with them), include them in all his plans, build his entire life with them in mind.

the concept alone is exhausting. why do any of that when he can just live his own life on his own terms without all the hassle?

Have they ever experienced arophobia? If so, how?

he gets pity more than anything else. he’s stone-faced and sure enough that people usually give up pretty quickly on trying to convince him to change, and that quickly gives way to people lamenting how empty and lonely and sad his life must be without a romantic partner. how much of a shame it is that a guy like him is off the market.

luckily, the only people who know his history are his pack/friends. there’s a reason he doesn’t bother with confessing his microlabel very often. he’s already heard enough horror stories about people having their aromanticism invalidated through accusations of trauma (whether any exists or not), he can only imagine how much shit he would get for being a “fake” aro if more people found out about the romantic-specific traumas during his formative years.

maybe his trauma did inform his identity. so what? he’s not gonna let anybody tell him his identity isn’t valid. it’s not up to them and he doesn’t need their approval.

How do they show their arospec pride?

he’s not a particularly demonstrative person in any area of his life. he’s got his t-shirt, which he wears occasionally around his loft or hanging out with the pack, and a little pride flag that Scott bought for him once. it lives in the mug that holds his spare pens.

Do they actively try to combat amatonormativity in their daily lives or elsewhere? If so, how?

Derek’s mostly a live and let live kind of person. as long as people stay out of his business, he’s not gonna butt into theirs. the main exception is his friends. he’s not the only aro in the pack, and if somebody comes for one of them or says something to upset them, Derek will be the first in line to face off with the arophobe and let them know just how bad of an idea that was.

Was it easy for them to label themselves arospec, or was there a long period of questioning? How many labels did they have to try before landing on the one they use now?

he didn’t bother to label for a long time. after the fire, introspection wasn’t exactly the highest priority on Derek’s list. he avoided it, honestly, for fear of what he would find in himself. keeping the lid on his carefully suppressed guilt, grief, and destructive self-loathing was imperative and poking a sharp stick into what attractions he may or may not have would’ve blown the lid straight off. it wasn’t until several years had passed, everything had settled into some kind of normalcy, and Derek had finally achieved some kind of emotional stability that he could spare any thought for an orientation that doesn’t really make much of a difference to him one way or another.

Would they be interested in a QPR? Why or why not?

maybe. someday. he’ll be the first to admit that he’s still a far cry from healed and healthy, emotionally speaking, and he’s got more than a few issues with trust and intimacy. at current, he’s pretty sure that making a partner navigate that minefield would be more trouble than it’s worth.

however, he has been thinking more and more lately of trying out a relationship that’s more geared toward non-sexual physical intimacy. he refuses to call it cuddling, but he misses the comfort of being tactile with someone he cares about and who cares about him. if he can find someone who’s willing to share that with him without making further demands, then he’s not opposed to an arrangement.

Final thoughts?

i’ve always been much more inclined toward ace!Derek, tbh, so this was a fun thought exercise and i like how it turned out XD

send me a character for my arospec headcanon!

#Derek Hale #aro!Derek #caedro!Derek #Teen Wolf #teenwolf-rarepair-discord #and the answer is

[hisplaceofescape]

IT'S AROMANTIC SPECTRUM AWARENESS WEEK<3 I'M CAEDROMANTIC

Caedromantic means that I was alloromantic but due to trauma I lost my romantic attraction. I'm still really happy I'm aromantic! I'm specifically AroAllo.

Please remember to mention Caedromantic this week! We're not given much love. We can also be referred to as caedoromantic. I just really wanna see some caedro positivity<3

#caedromantic #caedoromantic #aroallo #alloaro #aro #aromantic spectrum #aro spec #aromantic

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

I have a vent similar to anon about not wanting to have kids or get married. I have continuously told my family since I was 14 that I don't want a relationship, I won't want kids, and I won't wake to get married.

I'm caedro-ace and despite explaining this over and over, my family (typically my (well meaning) mom and grandma and aunt) all tell me in a sweet (feels patronizing) tone: "Oh you'll change your mind one day :) trust me I was just like you at your age" all through college I've still had to repeat that I will never want kids or a relationship and I keep getting put down with "But you willl!!"

Like thanks but I'm sure I know myself better and what I want more than you guys ever will, y'know? I really don't want a relationship and I really don't want kids. I used to have nightmares about these things because people told me I'd have them one day and it stressed me out so much.

Like thanks but I'm sure I know myself better and what I want more than you guys ever will, y'know?

^^^

It’s so condescending when people think they know you better than you do. When usually they just have rigid ideas around heteronormativity and amatonormativity.

#vent post #a-spec antagonism #Anonymous

[anoteofcalcium]

It's Ace Awareness Week, so here's a sloppy, somewhat incomplete / indefinitely ongoing, and LONG list of my A-Spectrum OCs 🙌

《 AroAce 》

---TES----

• Ko'komo - Apothisexual, Meroromantic

• Moahnzi - Nebula AroAce

• Hops-to-It - AroAce [wlw]

• Masuki - Apothisexual, Recipromantic

• Gloooth Shadyshade - Cupiosexual, Nebularomantic

• Branche - AroAce

• Emuie Lussarc-Siliphant - Cupiosexual, Idemromantic [wlw]

• Rumrasare Adeus - Alico AroAce [Hetero]

• Lorlambug "Lamby" gra-Gruzgob - Asexual, Cupioromantic

• K'fugra - Apothi AroAce; Triple A

• Achynkratz - Asexual, Aegoromantic [wlw]

---PoE----

• Syvis - Lith AroAce

• Koāpei - Caedro AroAce

• Shalævar - Bellus AroAce

---Fallout---

• Vena Cole-Mordino Six - GrAysexual, Lithromantic

• Sylvester "Sly" Moon - Demi AroAce

---Vampire: The Masquerade----

• Angel Dimaanó Cassandra - Myrsexual, Bellusromantic

---Choice / IF Games----

• Béla "Geier" Geiß - Placiosexual, Caedromantic

• Adael Parkan - Cupio AroAce

• Clover Newman - Cupio AroAce; Triple A

• Harun Séafra - Demi AroAce

• Horea / Dancer - Recipro AroAce

• Ina Quinata - Demi AroAce

• Du Guo (杜国) - Nebula AroAce

• Súanach Nise - Triple A

• Remy - Nebula AroAce

• Seraph(iel) - Demi AroAce

• Samphire Winther - Gray AroAce

• Viisdamakkt "Curiosity" Qhevajook - Cupio AroAce

• Berenike "Birdie" Popov - AroAce Flux

• Cori Ander Salamander Van den Akker - Alico AroAce

• Mara - Alico AroAce

• Leonora of Rhivenia - Demi AroAce

• Ermæs Karga - Gray AroAce

• Përparim Duskguard - Alico AroAce

• Julius "Jules / Lulu" Pleasant - Demi AroAce

• Shashi Tscherbeia - Lith AroAce

• Wattana Robinson - AroAce

• Dino Dragon - Cupio AroAce

• Cleo Duciel - Alico AroAce

• Feardorcha Melling - Alico AroAce

• June "Junie" Storm - AroAce

• Ein Selencal - Demi AroAce

• Lucifer - Myr AroAce

• Vérène - Caed AroAce

---Original----

• The Cat - AroAce

• Renée Meilleur - Demi AroAce

• Rúna "Roux" Guđrúnadóttir - AroAce

• The Narrator - Apothisexual, Alicoromantic

• Amos Alswood - Demi AroAce

• Millicent "Mil(lie)" Dawkins - Acespike, Demiromantic

• Chana "Chantilly" Alswood - AroAce

• Kita Kaneko (金子 北) - AroAce

《 Ace 》

---PoE----

• Parse - Asexual

• Iuxtapos ix Ensios - Demisexual

• Abdello Vescovi - Asexual

• Dascyl - Reciprosexual

• Pleat - Aegosexual

---Fallout----

• Eve-Maris "E-Mari" Barnett - Demisexual

---TES----

• Meryolrindol - Demisexual [mlm]

• Uungendor Forestscrub - Demisexual

• Paxutl-ki - Demisexual

• Helai - Reciprosexual

---Choice / IF Games----

• Uma Schovajsa - GrAysexual

• Persephone - Demisexual

• Hazel "-Nut" Winter-Bloom - Reciprosexual

• Ibb Enid Kokotan - Cupiosexual

• Inchaevel Sihnion - Asexual

• Artemiy Graf - Demisexual

• Neirin "Nye" Hier - Asexual

• Soini Franklin - Asexual

---Original----

• Dot "Dottie" Harriden - Asexual

• Jethro Quartermain - Demisexual

• Ormus - Asexual

• Layla Johnson - Asexual

• Courtney - Apothisexual

《 Aro 》

---TES----

• Alannalessia Lussarc - Bellusromantic [Poly]

• Maëltrice Siliphant - Aromantic

• Rubica Marbeau - GrAyromantic

• Phessa Marbeau - Quoiromantic

• Estnneiya - Frayromantic

• Nonwen Forestscrub - Aromantic

• Dar'Masha - Recipromantic [mlm]

---PoE----

• Ask - Quoiromantic [mlm]

• Lah - Demiromantic

---Fallout----

• Chitsa Cole - Aromantic

---Vampire: The Masquerade----

• Babylon / "Baby" - Bellusromantic

---Choice/IF Games----

• Metis Dragović - Demiromantic

• Abyssus, the Cleaver - Alicoromantic

• Nit Bramble - Recipromantic

• Limpet "Imp" Valshorn - GrAysexual

• Sparrow Ratwatte - Recipromantic

• Melina "Mel" Sweet - Quoiromantic

---Original----

• Desdemona "Dezi" Crowley - Lithromantic

• 刘艳丫 (Yànyā Liu) / Janja Liu - Caedromantic

#Text Post #Mine #OCs #Aspec #Asexual #Aromantic #Ace Awareness Week #Long Post #TNot a chance I could tag them all #so I'll go with the ones w/ existing tags (at this time) #OC: Ko'komo #OC: Rubica Marbeau #OC: Phessa Marbeau #OC: Eve-Maris Barnett #OC: Pleat #OC: Parse #OC: Uma Schovajsa #OC: K'fugra #OC: Six #OC: Lah #OC: Chitsa Cole #OC: Branche #OC: Gloooth Shadyshade #OC: Uungendor Forestscrub #OC: Ask #OC: Achynkratz #OC: Nonwen #OC: Dar'Masha #OC: Estnneiya #OC: Rumrasare

[askanaroace]

Caedro Qs

(Too long to want to split into multiple asks.)

I’ve been sitting on a draft about caedromanticism inspired by thinking about the coronavirus pandemic and trauma, but I’ve been having trouble with not really finding caedromantic experiences or perspectives. I’m aware that you’re not presenting yourself as a caedromantic authority, but I was hoping to ask a few questions. Would you happen to know whether there’s anything more substantial than a definition about caedromanticism somewhere? An idea of how many people use it?

In the process of trying to look into caedromanticism, I haven’t really found more than a few references to trauma related to interpersonal relationships involving either familial or intimate partner abuse of some sort. I imagine there are other caedromantic experiences that aren’t related to those types of trauma, but is there a sense of the diversity of how trauma can relate to identifying as caedromantic? (The definition of caedromantic shared in glossaries may not specify what type of trauma is associated with identifying with caedro, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a widespread pattern and/or community association.)

I’m not trying to invalidate caed- identities or spring a gotcha on anyone. I went through something that resulted in a distinct ‘alloromantic before’ and ‘aro spec after’ feeling prior to 2020, but I didn’t consider the situation a trauma or view myself as a trauma survivor while questioning if I was aro spec, so I never used caedro. In the context of the current global pandemic and quarantine measures, I’ve returned to feeling a before and after with a different aspect of communicating my aro identity, but I don’t want to just slap caed- on an identity word and carry on without understanding how caedromantic is used. -anonymous

Unfortunately, I do not know of any more in depth caedro resources, references, or writings! I have been HEAVILY considering trying to write a book (may not a long book) discussing how asexuality can impact sexual trauma, which would be interrelated with caedsexuality and caedromanticism but feel wholly unqualified to do so, and obviously just thinking about it doesn't help you now. :x

I am positive there are handfuls of threads with some personal perspectives in places like AVEN and the asexuality/aromantic reddit communities. (Here's an example of a thread on the cPTSD sub, which points to the fact that these concepts may actually be more common in trauma/PTSD/cPTSD type spaces where people might feel safer bringing it up.) Maybe Arocalypse but I don't recall anything. But I'm sure those aren't in depth and don't have very many of us. I think on this blog I've only gotten like one other ask from someone who wondered if they could be caeda. I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's pretty rare and those of us that do identify in these ways are probably too scared/anxious to speak up about it too terribly much. (I myself have often struggled with taking up space in the aro community as a caedromantic with such different experiences and trying to balance not somehow promoting the idea that aromanticism can only be due to trauma, though I have gotten more confident over the years.)

The idea of a common base of trauma experiences causing caeda identities is an interesting one. For several reasons, I would suspect that indeed any kind of abuse is likely going to be the most common, if for no other reason that abuse is, sadly, an extremely common type of trauma to suffer. But you're right that there's certainly no rule. Trauma is an intentionally vague word that includes everything from car crashes to deaths to abuse, and the caeda identities keep this vague-ness for a reason. This is total conjecture, but I would hazard a guess that any sort of long-term/extended trauma is probably more likely to cause caeda changes than instant/sudden types of trauma and will be more represented in our community. That's just based on gut feeling and a base level understanding of the psychology of trauma, though. And note that it still doesn't exclude anybody from becoming caeda through an instant/sudden trauma.

I would definitely like more writings in this area, but honestly resources for trauma as a whole aren't very diverse or available, so it's unsurprising that nothing seems to really exist in this realm.

Like any other identity, the terms you use are up to you. It's okay to have weird or conflicting feelings based on your experience and if it's trauma and still use any caed- label (caedogender is also a caed-label). What it comes down to is if the label is useful to you. The caed- labels are certainly useful for signifying that there has been a direct change in your identity, and so it does sound useful in your case. I will say that no one I've ever shared my caedro label with has ever grilled me on what I went through to cause it or otherwise tried to gatekeep me at all. And if anybody asks you, remember that you are in no way obligated to answer. That is private information. You don't have to prove anything to anyone.

If it helps, I started calling myself caedro before I was really able to accept that what I went through was a trauma and started referring to it as such. Using caedro actually helped me become more comfortable with accepting that.

You are most certainly welcome to identify as caedro, whatever it is you went through. What matters is your feelings on it, not anyone else's.

#caedromantic #trauma #caedsexual #caedogender #aromantic #arospec #aro spectrum #aromantic spectrum #ask #submission #cleaning out old asks #aro valentine's treat

[nonbinaryresource]

I'm afab but have been wondering if I'm nb, and found post/175567635740/ and related a lot. The issue I have is, I also grew up Catholic, which comes with a lot of baggage surrounding sex, and I'm never quite sure if that's the root of all of my questions or if it's actually me. I often feel completely detached from gender; I don't hate being considered a girl, but I don't really /feel/ like I'm anything. Do you have suggestions for figuring out the root of those feelings?

Post ref

We tend to talk about things like gender and sexuality in fairly simple terms simply because, well, these are confusing, mixed-up, complicated concepts that are hard to articulate in a deeper way than simple, parsed out definitions and a handful of experiences. But, unfortunately, this does us all a bit of a disservice - especially those questioning - because it creates the illusion that our identity is something that’s easy to separate out, break down, and understand in nice, neat little pieces. But figuring out our identity is less like picking out puzzle pieces and sticking them together to see the full picture and more like trying to separate out all the original paint colors from an already painted canvas with mixed paints.

Which is a wordy confusing way of getting to my point: sometimes parts of our identity is such a tangled up root system that they cannot be untangled because they have grown together and cutting them apart just isn’t the same as untying them.

I’m going to use myself as an example here real quick. TW: domestic abuse mention /// I didn’t start questioning my gender until I was 21/22… right after I’d finally escaped a years long abusive relationship. I started hardcore dissociating when I thought of my gender. I was trying to cope with my abuse and trauma and was questioning my gender and fearing my romantic attraction rearing up again because I did not want to get into another relationship. It took me a pretty short amount of time to realize that caedromantic or aromantic fit me better now than my previous non-aro orientation. Caedro means aromantic due to trauma. To me, the way I had experienced romantic attraction before and now didn’t/don’t was a very clear distinction. I could easily connect my trauma to the reason I no longer experienced any romantic attraction. However, my gender journey was not so clear cut. I didn’t start questioning until after my trauma, but did my trauma change my relationship to my gender or did it intensify previous feelings? I was also reading and learning and discovering more about what nonbinary was around the same time - is that why I started questioning: because I realized there was this new option? Did the trauma cause the dissociation which caused a domino effect of how I thought about gender?It took about 3 years after I started questioning to actually accept that I was nonbinary and genderqueer, at least now. It’s since been another 3 - going on 4 - years since then, and I still waffle on if I’ve always been nonbinary or if I’m more specifically caedogender (the feeling of your gender being ‘cut away’ by trauma).

There’s just not always an easy answer. Good or bad, great or awful, fantastic or terrible… we’ve lived the lives we’ve lived. We have the memories and associates and implications of what we’ve been through. We can’t change that. Our experiences shape us. That’s just a part of life.

I’m sure your experiences growing up Catholic have impacted you. To what degree, I don’t know - and you may never really figure that out either. (Or maybe you will! But it will likely be a years long journey). But just because your feelings have been impacted by this baggage… doesn’t make them not you. They may just help you understand better why you have certain reactions or feelings to specific things.

But at the end of the day, our identity is a tangled mess and it is shaped by our experiences. Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is accept that, regardless of the reasons, we are who we are and work towards accepting ourselves and looking to the now and the future, rather than haunting the past. It’s a big step to sort out your past, and it is important to recognize where we’ve come from and heal from past hurts. But you also have to recognize that who you are isn’t and cannot be completely unimpacted from what you’ve been through.

By the by, I found this on @beyond-mogai-pride-flags if you find it interesting or helpful:

Reppresiuality: a person who potentially feels sexual attraction but has been so repressed by religion/childhood/etc that they are inhibited in exploring their real sexuality

~Tera

#mod tera #questioning #religion #catholicism #identity #introspection #Anonymous

[ao3feed-malec]

A as in Amazing

read it on the AO3 at http://bit.ly/2TrjzkQ

by HolyMad

This could be Mature or Teen for the mental health? but if i tag it like that people will only find this if they expect some (mild) fuckery and literally nothing happens in this. so the warning here (and in tags)

Anyways:

Magnus comes home and all he wants to do is cuddle with his partner and finally watch Bohemian Rhapsody. Movie night is the best day of the week and the movie being released on stream makes it the best day of the year, at least.

He has a feeling that this is not what he's going to get. But he doesn't know if that's a bad thing.

Words: 1397, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Shadowhunters (TV)

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: M/M, Multi

Characters: Magnus Bane, Alec Lightwood

Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Others (mentioned), Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Human, Aromantic Magnus Bane, which is canon my friends, caedro and probs lithro but its aspec and therefore valid, Asexual Alec Lightwood, just because i am aroace and split it onto the two, bonus they dont fuck for now, Demiromantic Alec Lightwood, because this is a setup for a human au and you gotta implement the canon somehow, Queerplatonic Relationships, Mental Health Issues, they're both Depressed, which is also canon, i hope i showed that they're healthy in their relationship?, Polyamory, let magnus fuck ig?, casual hookups, haven't really thought about the exact circumstances, Aromantic Character, Aromantic, Aromantism, might change this if i use it xd, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Asexual Relationship, Asexuality Spectrum, as in aro, sigh, Aromantic spectrum, Aromantism Spectrum, Arospec, Light Angst, more like, "throwing plates at the customers too fast for them to catch", lol, Friendship/Love, Fluffy Ending, Eventual Fluff, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings, does that fit lol

read it on the AO3 at http://bit.ly/2TrjzkQ

#malec #IFTTT #ao3feed #fanfic #shadowhunters

[angstsplatter]

It legitimately bothers me when people claim “Charlie Weasley is canonically ace - JK Rowling confirmed it!”

Like... no she didn’t, really.

Rowling sucked with queer rep. (Actually, she dropped the ball with all kinds of rep.) I’m tired of people getting excited for the author copping out and only confirming rep outside of the books. I recognize that Charlie wasn’t that big a part of the books, but hey, neither was Fleur and Davies, yet we knew they made out in the bushes. And neither was Davies asking out Cho but we still know that. If Charlie was meant to be rep, Rowling could have given it a sentence in the books.

I’m all here for aro/ace Charlie, but I really don’t count Rowling saying Charlie was more interested in dragons than romance as her confirming Charlie is aromantic or asexual. Believe it or not, non-aro/aces can prioritize other things above romance/sex. Charlie being more interested in dragons doesn’t actually automatically make him aro/ace. It makes it likely but it doesn’t make it the only possibility.

Unless the words “queer”, “asexual”, “aromantic” or anything else of the like are uttered from Rowling’s mouth in regards to Charlie, I’m not considering it canon. And no matter what Rowling says, I’m not considering it rep.

I just feel like claiming that “aro/ace Charlie is canon because Rowling said so!” is misleading and giving credit where credit is most certainly not due.

To be clear, I’m fine if people want to say aro/ace Charlie is canon. But stop giving Rowling credit for this because she didn’t confirm shit.

P.S. I am caedro ace, and my fave headcanon of Charlie by a long-shot is him being aroace. This is definitely fanon. But I’m still not considering it canon. I doubt the thought ever really even crossed Rowling’s mind.

#hp #charlie weasley #jk rowling #rowling #queerphobia #representation #media #media matters #aromantic #asexual #aro #ace #aroace #fanon #canon #headcanon #i don't mind if people do call this canon #but i DO mind when they say rowling confirmed it

[trisockatops]

Separation of Gender and Sexuality

Written for @carnivaloutsidethebinary‘s October prompt of Sexuality.

A lot of nonbinary people struggle with how to label their sexuality since so many sexuality terms are rooted in binary concepts. Many nb people struggle with identifying as gay or lesbian because these terms imply one’s own gender. So I suppose I have been lucky.

When I first came out, it was as a panromantic asexual. These days I identify as caedro/aromantic asexual. None of these are terms that assume my gender or ever made me feel like I had to put myself into a box or mislabel myself to use them. I never felt like I had to come to grips with what using these terms meant about my gender or my relationship to it. Like I said, pretty lucky.

It’s interesting, too, that I feel my gender and sexuality are two separate entities that just happen to make up who I am together because about the time I started identifying as caedro/aro is about the time I started questioning my gender, leading me down the path of identifying as nonbinary. But, while I didn’t always know the terms, recognizing and accepting my sexuality always came easy to me. I didn’t know there was a word for how I felt (or rather, didn’t) back in middle and high school, but it didn’t bother me that I didn’t have crushes like my peers did. It didn’t bother me that I had no interest in dating or anything else in that realm. 

Coming to terms with being nonbinary (and genderqueer) was hard, though. It took years. And unlike when I found the term asexual and everything just clicked and fell into place about how I felt sexuality-wise, there was no one moment of my gender feelings falling into place. Just for a while I was struggling, and one day when someone came out as agender and I excitedly replied that I felt similarly - I realized that somehow, somewhere along the lines, I had finally accepted that I was no longer cis.

Maybe that helped there never be a disconnect or confusion between my gender and sexuality. I could have easily wondered if being nonbinary impacted my disinterest in sex (and later romance). But I didn’t. I have always been at peace with those feelings in myself. And I’m thankful for that because it was a long, hard road to finding that same sort of acceptance for my gender.

Shoutout to all those who’ve had to go through this struggle with multiple parts of their identity, as well as have to work out what different parts of their identity mean to other parts.

#sexuality #gender #nonbinary #genderqueer #queer #asexual #aromantic #panromantic #caedromantic #asexuality #aromanticism #aroace #nb #gq #carnival outside of the binary #carnival outside the binary #identity #questioning #self acceptance #mine

[fandomshatewomen]

I agree that there is some uhura bashing in that post but as a actual bi woman. Headcanoning two characters as gay is not biphobic. Saying that a character can't be bi because of past partner experience on the other hand would be.

Same anon on biphobic, hope I didn't offend anyone that was not my intention. Anyway thanks for running this blog I like it a lot.

No worries, not at all offended over this post! I think discussions are good to have. Questions are good to ask, etc. The problem comes when we’re unwilling to try and listen to each other. ^^

For background, even though I’m caedro now, I still feel a deep connection with being bi, as I was originally bi/pan. 

Definitely misogynoir is the major issue at play with sidelining Uhura like that, but I still think there’s an undercurrent of biphobia in refusing to see being bpq as even a remote possibility in order to completely sideline Uhura. Both or either Spock/Kirk could be bpq and still have feelings for each other and Uhura. Ignoring that as a possibility in order to sideline Uhura is misogynoir, but I do think there’s underlying biphobia in that as well. Prejudice isn’t always simple - it’s often messy and complex and different forms of bigotry are intertwined. It’s not the fact that people headcanon Spock/Kirk as gay that I was calling biphobic - it’s headcanoning them as gay in order to get them together without Uhura, when they could still be queer and involved with each other and Uhura if both or one of them was bpq. Make sense?

~Mod S

#mod s #asks #biphobia discussion #misogynoir #Anonymous