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bat-losers-inc · 5 years

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Collisions in the Dark (Ch 23): Loose Position

Warnings: unhealthy relationships, unhealthy coping mechanisms, pstd.

Pairings: Jason Todd/Tim Drake

Summary: They’d shoved their trust issues and private wounds into that hazy ‘after’ area to deal with later, and Tim believed that for the most part they never really expected to arrive there. But they were there now and Tim floundered in the face of how to address those issues. Just because it’s over, Tim reminds himself, doesn’t mean everything suddenly goes back to normal.

Chapter Notes: Loose Position: A position vulnerable to opponent attacks because it is overextended or its pieces are uncoordinated.

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“You said love is a synonym for damage. I said our bodies are a synonym for light. You told me, this isn’t sex. And I said I know, it’s whatever’s left.” — Missed Connections with Lonely Boys, Meggie Royer.

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The plane shook with the rumble of thunder in the night sky and Tim awoke in his bed with his shirt clinging to his back and an icy chill covering him from head to toe like a blanket. Tim blinked out his bedroom window, orienting himself to his true surroundings— not caught in a storm running from Ra’s al Ghul and his men once again, but home. Safe. Or as safe as couldn't be expected.

The horrible flight home through stormy dark skies was days behind them now, but Tim still felt it like it was only yesterday. He was never really aware of much that happened that night after his fight with Ra’s to be honest, just the fiery pain in his dislocated shoulder. What he remembered was fractured sensations, unbound by time. Jason’s warm unmoving arms bracketing him. Damian’s knife sliding against his skin as he cut off away the fabric of Tim’s gloves to expose his injured hands. Cass’s insistent voice in his ear urging them not to fall asleep. Not yet.

Tim shifted out of his damp bed and traded his sweat-soaked shirt for a dry one. He glanced back at the mess of his covers before stepping out into the hall, deciding it’d be easier to find another place to sleep than to remake his bed in the middle of the night.

The library was quiet, except for the low whistle of wind from the cracked corner panes of the old windows. Tim’s skin broke out in gooseflesh at the abrupt change in temperature. A low fire burned in the fireplace though, so the cold wasn’t entirely uncomfortable. Tim dragged the leather couch closer to it to bring him some warmth.

He was pulling the blanket down off the back of the couch when he felt a change in the air behind him. Tim twisted and found himself standing there with his hand clenched tight around the person’s neck before he could even register what he was doing. When he did, however, Tim became aware of his own constricted breathing and Jason standing in front of him.

“Nightmare?” Jason asked even though Tim’s grip of his neck was tight enough to make the word a croak.

He didn't try to break Tim’s grip. Nor did he look frightened, seemingly confident in the knowledge that Tim wouldn’t hurt him. Tim just wished he would remember that he had hurt Jason, in more ways than one.

Jason touched his fingers lightly to the bones of Tim’s wrists.

“There was a storm… the plane crashed.”

Tim relaxed his grip into Jason’s warm fingers, remembering how Jason had done this once before in the car in Tibet. The way it took Jason ages before his fingers even touched Tim’s skin. So long that his anger and fear had time to cool, and eventually disappear, and he almost wanted to reach out for Jason himself. If only to feel him.

“ I didn’t expect to wake up,” he continued, “but when I did, everyone was gone. Everyone except him.”

Tim let his hand drop away all at once and went back to what he was doing.

Jason slid his hands around Tim’s back and pulled him against his chest. The blanket fell abandoned onto the couch cushions.

“Why didn’t you come to my room?”

Tim pressed his forehead hard against Jason’s breastbone and stared at the floor, trying to find the space to breathe freely.

He couldn’t.

Even standing safe in Jason’s arms he still felt like everything was too close for comfort, closing in on all sides to choke him. “I don’t know… we never really talked about ground rules for once it was all over and done with.”

Before and After.

Tim felt the sharp line of that divide— where certain events and feelings in his life started and others stopped.

Before the mission.

Before Ra’s.

After Jason told him that he loved him.

Before Jason’s death.

After Tim had lost his mind more than just a little bit.

They’d shoved their trust issues and private wounds into that hazy ‘after’ area to deal with later, and Tim believed that for the most part they never really expected to arrive there. But they were there now and Tim floundered in the face of how to address those issues.

“A part of me wasn’t sure if you’d want me to seek you out in the middle of the night,” he continued, “it felt like I was using you— to crawl into your bed after every bad nightmare without you doing the same. Another part of me wasn’t sure that I wanted to let that side of me win.”

“Win?” Asked Jason.

“The part of me that’s constantly screaming for me to kiss all of those bruises I’ve given you and make them better. That weak side of me that reminds me that it would be so much easier to say ‘I’m sorry. It’ll never happen again’ knowing that you love me enough to convince yourself that it's true—that you won't press the issue because you got me in the end so what does it matter anyway, right? And we’ll go on with our lives… sleep together, live together, fight together and all the time we’ll each be wondering: Did he really mean it or was that just another lie?”

How do we go about making amends for such horrible betrayals?

Tim wanted to ask Jason that same question he’d asked before Jason had walked out on him. Do you really hate me so much for what I did? But he knew the answer would still be the same. Just like his own feelings on Jason’s actions hadn't changed.

Jason uttered a noise filled with fatigue and despair. “Yeah… I understand that feeling all too well. I don't want to hate you, Tim. I can’t and yet I do and it's fucking torture to want you and not want you all at the same time.”

Tim pressed his laughter into the newly damp fabric of Jason’s shirt and held him tighter.

“Torture. Yeah, that’s what this is.”

He pressed his cheek against Jason’s chest. “What are we going to do, Jason?”

Jason slid the collar of Tim’s shirt away from his shoulder and pressed a kiss to the patch of bare skin he found there. “Take it one day at a time, I guess. So for tonight? Let go back to bed. I'm fucking exhausted.”

Tim smiled and allowed Jason to tug him over to the library’s couch. Tim leaned back against Jason’s chest and pulled the blanket up over them both. The fire was warm against their backs and it provided enough light that if Tim tilted his head up, he could still catch the outline of Jason’s features in the orange glow. They didn’t talk to fill the silence. Instead, Jason tucked his chin into the crook of Tim’s neck and followed Tim into the quiet darkness of sleep.

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One day at a time, it seemed, was asking too much of them and soon it was all they could do to take things one hour at a time. That sensation from before — of tiptoeing around the house and maintaining a safe distance, was gone— but what replaced it almost felt worse. All of their tiptoeing had been for naught. The facade had cracked long before they’d drawn together in their final fight against Ra’s and now they’d returned home to find the broken pieces strewn about, each trying not to cut themselves on the jagged edges.

It seemed like the only words that left their mouths were apologies, and yet all of the apologies in the world weren’t enough.

Sometimes it was Tim who set Jason off and sometimes their roles reversed, but most of the time it presented itself in a horrible chain reaction of anger and injury that surged from one boy to the other. Like when Jason found the information that Tim and Damian had continued to compile on Gotham’s mercenaries for hire. Tim thought it had been bad when it was a private fight between the two of them, but then Jason had played dirty by bringing the information to Bruce— something that Tim hadn’t expected him to do in a million years. From there it had exploded into a civil war— their family breaking into factions. Damian and Cass— perhaps because on their own upbringings by mercenary families— backed Tim, agreeing that he had the right to do what he had to if it made him feel safe. While the rest of the family backed Jason’s mistrust of Gotham’s mercenaries and the likelihood that they could very well turn around and sell Tim to Ra’s if given a better offer. The ironic nature of Jason’s argument was not lost on Tim and he made sure to tell Jason exactly where he could shove his opinions on the subject.

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Tim shoved upright in bed and doubled over trying to remind his lungs how to breathe. His fingers clutched tightly into the fabric of his t-shirt where it rested over his chest. Tears blurred his eyes and dripped onto his bedcovers.

He stared down at the dark blue fabric, seeing it but not seeing it.

The horrific images flashed before his eyes still— in time with the bruising thump of his heart against the walls of his chest.

Tim heaved a breath. Jason spewed blood and something more onto his arms as Tim clutched him tightly against his chest.

He breathed out and pulled Jason’s drenched form out of Nyssa’s lazarus pit, knowing all the while that this wasn’t right. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.

Another breath and Jason’s lifeless eyes stared up at him, the water running down the cold skin of his face like tears for the life he didn’t get back. A small dark voice in the back of Tim’s head whispered to him that it was okay, this was what Jason had wanted, after all.

Tim muffled his sobs with a first pressed against his mouth and curled inwards. “It isn’t real. It didn’t happen.”

He didn’t care if Jason hated him at the moment, or if they were currently having a fight. He knew he wouldn’t be able to calm himself down until he set his eyes on Jason breathing peacefully in his bed.

He tumbled out of his sheets and padded down the hall to Jason’s door.

“Jason?” He tried to smooth the roughness out of his voice as he stepped into the dark room.

Tim stared at Jason’s vacant bed for a moment, looking around like Jason was just out of sight, hiding by the window. He closed the door and walked to the library where they had spent the night together just a few days ago. The couch was back in it’s original place, the blanket folded neatly over its back.

Tim sucked in a shaky breath and sped up his pace until he was running down the hallways of the manor, slapping on lights and throwing open doors.

Tim was skidding around a corner in the kitchen, heading for the cave stairs when he caught sight of the garden lights on out of the corner of his eye. Motion sensored, he remembered all at once.

Tim threw open the french doors and stood gasping in the frosty midnight cold.

Jason turned around to face him and took a drag from the cigarette he held to his lips with a quavering hand. The tear tracks on his cheeks glistened under the outdoor lightning.

Tim threw himself against him and Jason rocked back on his heels with the blow, his arms coming up to wrap around him almost as an afterthought.

“You died,” The words came out as a wet sob against Jason’s breast. “You… died.”

Bruce had warned him long ago… back when Tim was still Robin, that sometimes after a tragedy you might think you’re fine and then all at once, when you’re least expecting it, the reality will just hit you. Tim had thought it had hit him a long ago, but now he realized this was the moment.

Jason pressed an equally wet kiss to the side of Tim’s forehead. “I know I did, honey.”

Tim felt Jason shake his head— a dark memory being shoved back to a far corner of Jason’s head, waiting for the time when it could push forward again behind his closed eyes. Except, it didn’t quite work. Halfway through the motion a choked breath slipped past Jason’s lips and before either of them knew it, Jason was turning away from him, his hands pressed hard against his wet eyes.

“I’d forgotten what it felt like… all alone in that cold darkness…” Jason turned back on him suddenly, full of undirected anger. “Fuck, Tim. Look at us! How are we supposed to be together and handle each other’s messes when we can’t even handle our own?”

Tim gave a disparaging laugh and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. “I honestly have no idea. It’s almost impossible for me to think outside of my own problems right now.... I’m sorry if that sounds cruel or selfish, or whatever…”

Jason wiped the wetness from his cheeks. “Don’t worry about it. I think we’ve earned the right to be a little selfish now and then.”

Tim stared at Jason in all his worn down glory, teary-eyed and shivering in the frosty dark. And he loved him, he couldn’t deny that. It felt like they were floating together through space, with no sounds except their breaths loud in their own ears, frosting the air in front of their faces.

All at once Tim shifted forward and wrapped his fingers around the back of Jason’s neck, pulling him down into a desperate kiss. Jason’s hands threaded tight into Tim’s hair and held the kiss until they were forced to pull back gasping.

Tim focused on Jason’s eyes, their lips still a breath apart from each other. “Tonight, if you want to, I’d like to try not to be selfish. I’d like to show you how much I love you.”

Jason captured his lips in another kiss and breathed him in; the tears, the sweat, the scent of his shampoo. Tim couldn’t fathom what he liked about him in that moment, but Jason smiled.

“You sure?”

The most Tim could manage was a shaky nod, though Jason wasn’t looking so strong and stable himself at the moment. “C'mon. It's cold out here.”

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ltoliviabenson · 7 years

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4. A Yellow Bird Builds a Nest

Finally got the next chapter done. There’s some smut at the end, just a warning. It won’t effect the story, so if you want to skip that’s up to you.

Ch. 4: Rebuilding

It only takes about a week for Sara to be able to start walking around again. Between the futuristic medicine from the waverider and the “magical” herbs from Nada Parbat she is almost as good as new. Well physically that is. Mentally and emotionally not so much.

Oliver never comes back to see her that whole timespan. Ollie was never that bright about people’s emotions, but Oliver is, well not better, but an improvement. He knows what she needs from him is space and time, and he is willing to give her all the time in the world. What she needed from Nyssa was very different. It had only taken an hour after Oliver left for Sara to text Nyssa and ask her to come back to her room.

*** “Habibti?” Nyssa slowly opens the door. What she is greeted by is a crying Sara trying to put on a brave face. A face Nyssa knows only too well. The one that allows her to shut off her emotions, to stop the world from seeing her heart. Nyssa quickly crosses the space and pulls Sara into her arms.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you Nyssa. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to protect you.” Nyssa looks slightly confused, but holds Sara closer as she continues to cry.

“What are you talking about Habibti? You were already lost to this world when this happened, besides I have moved past everything that happened. I’m okay, I promise. I just want you to be ok with what happened. Who I am after everything.”

“I am Nyssa. I love you and nothing will ever change that fact. If I had known though, I could have stopped it. Not then but later.” The realization crosses Nyssa’s face. “I was able to save Laurel and a friend who isn’t quite here yet in the timeline, but I wasn’t able to save you. I’m so sorry.”

“Sara I’m not gone.” Nyssa cups Sara’s chin when she starts to look away. “Look at me. I’m right here. I’m ok and I’m whole. The only pain I felt was lying to you. And I know you don’t want to hear this, but just listen. Oliver had no choice.” Sara scoffs, “He didn’t Sara, he did what he could to protect the people he loved. Do I wish we both had been strong enough to have chosen a different way? Yes. But what is done is done, and we won’t go back and change the past. That past led me here to this moment. Led me back to be able to rebuild my life with you. If that is what you still desire.”

“Nyssa, that’s all I have ever wanted. To rebuild my life with you, but he could have raped you! He was supposed to,” Sara looks puzzled by that fact, but quickly shakes it off and continues, “and Ollie would have done anything to fulfill his plan. He would do anything for the people he loves, at the expense of everyone else who isn’t included in that.”

Nyssa takes a deep breath, “I know. And I am still unsure as to why the consummation didn’t happen, but I am glad.” Sara gives her a look, “I mean besides for the obvious reasons. If we had crossed that line I’m not sure me and Oliver could have ever gotten to this point of… friendship?”

“I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him Nyssa. I’ll never get to the point you two have reached.”

“I know. I guess time will tell, but for now let’s just focus on the fact that we are both here; alive and together.”

“I can do that.” Sara pulls Nyssa’s face towards her and slowly but passionately kisses her. It’s the first kiss they have shared since the truth came out. The first of many. The promises of love spoken within them.

*** Sara was desperately craving closeness from Nyssa. She wants to be with her, to sense her presence, to feel her beneath her hands. That’s why a few days later Sara walks into the main control center for Team Flash wearing a pair of nice jeans and a nice shirt holding a duffle bag with hers and Nyssa’s clothes in it.

“Me and Nyssa are going out to dinner and then staying at the Hilton so we can be alone.” Laurel just groans while Felicity and Nyssa both blush. “If anyone interrupts us you’re going to meet the business end of one of my throwing knives. Keep in mind I have twenty.” Sara just walks over and takes a still blushing Nyssa’s hand and walks out leaving half of the group to blush or groan and half to smirk.

“Sara, did you really have to tell all of our friends that?”

“What and miss out seeing some of them, including you, blush?” Nyssa just rolls her eyes, but gives Sara a fond smile. She then remembers and asks,

“When did you book us a hotel room?”

Sara stops and puts her arms around Nyssa’s waist. “I wanted it to be a surprise. We needed some alone time babe. And we can’t spend all day interrogating the league guys, especially because both you and I know they won’t give us anything.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“We could save so much more time if you would just remember that.” Sara gives Nyssa a cheeky smile, which causes her to roll her eyes again.

“Well come on then, we are going to be late for dinner.”

Sara mock bows, “After you Ra’s Al Ghul.” Nyssa’s third eye roll is followed by a found smile she can’t quite suppress.

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When they get to the restaurant, Nyssa notes that it is attached to the hotel they are staying at. She laughs to herself knowing when it comes to her Canary, she always finds the fastest way to get from the dinner table to a bed; or another table; or the back seat in a limo; or the closest closet. When they sit down the waiter brings over a bottle of Nyssa’s favorite wine.

“Sara, you didn’t have to do all this. You never have to try hard to impress me, I’ll always be yours.”

Sara looks uncharacteristically shy and gazes away from Nyssa for a second before looking back into her eyes. “I know, but I wanted to do this. For you. For us.” She reaches out and tangles her hands with Nyssa. Resting her other hand on the back of Nyssa’s neck she pulls her forward for a quick kiss, which Nyssa instantly deepens. She had really missed this level of intimacy with Sara.

They had not been together once since she had gotten back. Sure, they trusted each other with their lives, but trusting someone to care for you in that type of vunerability was very different. Until they had reached the point of complete trust, they didn’t want take that next step. It would have felt too cheap, which had bothered both Nyssa and Sara. Especially Sara, because that is basically all she was used to at this point. New timeline; new girl or guy.

The waiting was similar to when they had first started seeing each other all those years ago; they had waited a few months to have sex, until that level of trust could be built. And even then, Nyssa couldn’t fully give up control.

*** Both Sara and Nyssa had issues with trust. After what Sara had went through on Ivo’s boat and a similar hell on the island, it was easy to see why she had trust issues. Nyssa similarly, had been raised to never trust anyone but herself. That’s why it is 4 months into their relationship and the most the two of them had done is kiss.

“Nyssa,” Sara sits up from her position on top of her, “I need a minute to cool down, before I get worked up too much.”

“I’m sorry habibti, I don’t mean to cause you discomfort.”

“No, Nyssa. No. Never apologize; you’ve done nothing wrong. That isn’t what I meant to imply when I asked to stop. You don’t want to go further yet and I fully understand and respect that. I just need to breathe before I push you to a place you don’t want to go.”

“Well, I’ve thought about that.” Nyssa looks at Sara who is now off of her, but continuing to pay full attention to her girlfriend; knowing that whatever Nyssa says next will be important, and not to be taken lightly. “What if I want to go further?”

Sara gulps, “Okay. Exactly how much further.”

Nyssa bites her lip nervously, very uncharacteristic of the naturally confident Heir. “Well, I am still not entirely comfortable giving up full control and opening myself to being that vulnerable.” Sara just nods, letting her continue, “But, I feel comfortable enough to care for you and protect your vulnerability.” Sara just tilts her head in slight confusion, before her eyes grow wide in realization.

“Okay, let me make sure we are on the same page. You’re not comfortable being vulnerable, aka me touching you and giving you an orgasm. But you are comfortable enough to touch me and give me one?” Nyssa just nods her head. “Are you sure? Because if not I won’t push you. We can just continue to kiss.”

“I’m sure.” Nyssa threads her hands through Sara’s hair and pulls her into a heated kiss. As she continues to kiss her she pulls Sara down underneath her.

“Wow, this isn’t what I expected to happen tonight.” Nyssa just softly chuckles at Sara’s words, then continues to kiss her.

It only takes a month longer for Nyssa to be ok with showing that vulnerability within herself. Sara had and would always protect her and care for her vulnerability. Always.

*** After dinner, Sara takes Nyssa’s hand and does something unexpected. Instead of taking her upstairs like she had after many dinners back then, she pulls Nyssa out into the night. They stroll leisurely through a park nearby. Even though she joked with their friends about the hotel room, she would never push Nyssa into sex. As promised all those nights ago, her Canary continues to care and protect her. Just like back then, she won’t push Nyssa until she is ready for the openness that comes with sex. They continue to stroll through the park only to stop at a fountain. Sitting down together they gaze up at the stars. Nyssa startles when she feels a coin slip into her hand.

“Sara?” Nyssa looks curiously at her.

“So you can make a wish.” Sara smiles at her nodding towards the fountain. Nyssa smiles back at her playfulness.

“There is no need habibit, you are all I have ever wished for.” She closes the distance between them and kisses her deeply. She can feel Sara smiling into the kiss. Nyssa’s hand flips the coin into the fountain then wraps around Sara’s waist pulling their bodies closer. Sara moans into the kiss as Nyssa slips her tongue into her mouth. Their makeout continues to get heated. And even though they are in public, it is late enough that there is barely anyone out. Not that either of them would have noticed.

“Nyssa,” Sara’s voice is husky with arousal as she pulls away. “I don’t want to push you…” Nyssa quickly recaptures Sara’s lips as she moves her hands down to cup her ass. That causes Sara to moan into her mouth, but she pulls away again. “I need verbal confirmation Nyssa.”

“Habibti, I want to feel you under me. I need to feel you under me. Can we please get back to our room?”

Pulling Nyssa up Sara quickly makes her way back to the hotel, Nyssa in tow, muttering, “you don’t have to tell me twice.”

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Once the door closes Sara is quickly on Nyssa kissing her and touching every part of her she can get her hands on. Sara quickly moves them over the bed stripping herself of her shirt. As Nyssa starts to undo her own shirt Sara puts her hands over them. Nyssa looks up at her curiously.

“You don’t have to, if you’re not ready I mean.”

“I am habibit.” Sara gives her an uncertain look. “I promise.”

“Well then allow me.” Sara grips the hem of her shirt and pulls it over quickly, taking her bra with it. She pushes Nyssa into a sitting position on the bed and kneels in front of her. Sara starts to suck on her pulse points as her hands graze her nipples. Not quite touching them, not yet. Nyssa arches into the faint touches. Sara’s mouth starts to move lower on her neck and reaches her collar bone. Sucking and nipping at the skin, her hands start to move lower and rake across her abs. Nyssa moans when Sara finally takes a nipple into her mouth. She sucks on it and flicks her tongue over it. She goes on to give the other one the same treatment. Kissing away at the expanse of her chest. She continues to move back and forth between them.

She pulls back when her hands start to ghost the top of the brunette’s pants. Nyssa just nods and helps Sara take them off. Sara rids herself of her pants as well, then slowly lowers Nyssa on to the bed. Nyssa’s arms snake around her back, ridding Sara of her bra. As Nyssa starts to tease and play with Sara’s nipples, Sara brings them together for a bruising kiss. Sara’s hand teasing up and down her legs, until Nyssa starts to whine into Sara’s mouth.

Smirking to herself she finally inserts Nyssa with a single finger. That causes both of them to moan out in pleasure. She stills her hand letting Nyssa get used to it, before starting to thrust back and forth. It only takes her a few thrusts for her to pull out completely and re-enter with two fingers this time. Just like before she halts her thrusts so Nyssa has a chance to get used to it.

They continue to kiss as Sara starts to speed up her thrusts. She can feel Nyssa clenching around her, but she is also attempting to hold off her orgasm. Separating from her lips Sara looks directly into Nyssa’s eyes.

“Let go, I’ve got you. I always have you Nyssa.” That causes Nyssa to finally let her body take over, and it only takes two more thrusts and a curl of Sara’s fingers for her to go toppling over the edge moaning Sara’s name.

Nyssa comes down off of her high and very quickly flips their positions. After a nod from Sara signaling she is good, she starts to take her hard and fast. Knowing that she is already extremely worked up to the point where it won’t take much to push her over the edge. One deep thrust timed with biting down hard on her nipple sends Sara over the edge. She comes crashing down with a loud moan biting into Nyssa’s shoulder to try and stifle it somewhat.

By the time they have both fully caught their breaths they are just staring into each other’s eyes; smile’s plastered on their faces. Sara grabs the blanket from the end of the bed and curls into Nyssa; letting her be the big spoon. They soon drift off to sleep, happy and content. Tomorrow is another day, and they will continue to rebuild their lives together.

#nyssara #sara lance #Nyssa al Ghul #chapter 4 #multichapter #fanfiction #arrow #flash #supergirl #legends of tomorrow #oliver queen #Felicity Smoak #laurel lance

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