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#crack post
brsb4hls · 2 days
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Y'all are doing the soulmates poll wrong!
There you go <3
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sarafinamk · 10 hours
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Fallen Angel 50 Incorrect Quotes Special
The Smiling Critters Space Riders Au and the character Z belongs to @onyxonline
If you haven't checked out the Fallen Angel (Reader Insert) series, you can check out Part 1 and Part 2 here. You, the reader, will be referred to as both (Y/n) and Archangel.
Right now, I need to focus on writing my thesis paper, so I'm not sure when Part 3 will be posted. In the meantime, enjoy this crackfic as an Easter present. Some quotes will contain slight spoilers for future chapters. 😉 Enjoy.
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*During a training session*
Hoppy: Fight me, you nerd ass punk!
Archangel: At least TRY to sound sophisticated when you threaten someone.
Kickin: Dost thou wish to engage in a duel, my good bITCH?!
Archangel: *Facepalms* Somehow, that was worse...
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Bobby: Are you having another depressive episode?
Archangel: A depressive episode?
Archangel: I'm having a depressive series and we're just on season one.
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Z: What's wrong with you?
Archangel: Off the top of my head, I'd say low self-esteem, a lack of paternal affection, and a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression.
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Crafty: How’s training going?
Archangel: Terrible. I want to stab everybody there.
Crafty: Okay, just don’t get any blood on your clothes.
Bobby: ...you shouldn’t be condoning this.
Crafty: Don’t tell me how to live my life.
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Archangel: Yesterday, I overheard the Captain saying “Are you sure this is a good idea?” and Hoppy replying “Trust me,” and I have never moved from one room to another so quickly in my life.
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Archangel: Helpful grammar tip: “farther” is for physical distance, “further” is for methaphorical distance, and “father” is for emotional distance!
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Archangel: raises eyebrows
Dogday: Put those back down!
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Archangel: Problem, I can't tell if this food is over-sauced or undercooked.
Kickin: Solution, just pop it back in the oven for another 10 minutes. There's at least a 50% chance that'll fix it, right?
Bubba: Result? Food has somehow become unpleasantly soggy and unpleasantly crunchy at the exact same time.
Hoppy: No better time than this to pull out my favorite word! Slunchy!
Picky: …put it away.
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Picky: One time I went to hand (Y/n) a bowl of soup. I wanted to say “Careful, it’s hot!”, and “Here’s your soup!”, so instead I blurted out “Careful it’s soup.”
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*Preparing for a mission*
Hoppy: Okay, who's turn is it to give the pep talk?
Catnap: It's (Y/n)'s turn.
Archangel: Don't die.
Kickin, wiping a tear away: Truly inspirational.
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Archangel: I can't take you seriously wearing that.
Kickin: Aw, you take me seriously at all?
Archangel: Fair point.
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Dogday: My level of gay has reached “sighing deeply whenever anything extremely heterosexual happens near me”.
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Archangel to Bubba: How do you tell someone politely you want to hit them with a brick?
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Dogday: If I say I love you, will you say it back?
Z: Yes.
Dogday: I love you.
Z: It back.
*Later*
Archangel: Why is the Captain crying face-down on the floor?
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*the Space Riders at Disneyland, in the teacups*
Crafty, Bobby, Bubba, and Picky: *spinning a little and talking*
Dogday, Catnap, Kickin, and Hoppy: *flying past them, spinning as fast as they can, screaming*
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Hoppy: I've done a lot of dumb stuff.
Dogday: I witnessed the dumb stuff.
Catnap: I recorded the dumb stuff.
Kickin: I joined you in the dumb stuff.
Archangel: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!
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Archangel: This is a bad idea.
Hoppy: Then why are you coming along?
Archangel: Someone has to get your injured ass home.
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Archangel: I feel awful about killing you.
Z:
Archangel: Even though technically you never even died, so I don’t know what you’re bitching about.
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Dogday: Hoppy, don’t go picking a fight with (Y/n). Don’t forget, they’re powerful, they could make life difficult for you.
Hoppy: Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life.
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Dogday: I’m so happy both angels are getting along now.
Catnap: Uh, Z and (Y/n) are not getting along.
Dogday: They’re not trying to kill each other.
Catnap: You may have a point.
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Archangel: The universe is cold and unfeeling. The only constant is chaos.
Picky: Was Kissy's place out of chocolate-chip pancakes again?
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Kickin: Yeah, I find it quite emotional. In like a cool way.
Archangel: Did you just say it makes you cry in a cool way?
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Archangel, proudly: I slept.
Catnap: Is that so much of a rare thing that you have to say it?
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Archangel: You're a lying piece of shit!
Hoppy: Oh yeah? You're the idiot that thinks you can get away with everything you do, WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!
Dogday: I'm leaving and I'm taking Catnap with me!
Bubba, gathering cards: Aaaaand that's enough Monopoly for today.
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Poppy: It’s funny how well you and the Archangel get along. Didn’t they hate you at first?
Dogday: (Y/n) hates everybody at first. It’s their way of reaching out to people.
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Bobby: lifting weights
Kickin: Wow… She's so intense!
Archangel: I wonder what drives her.
Bobby, internally: Oh I am going to be SO good at giving hugs.
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*First two chapters of "Fallen Angel" summarized*
Archangel: I'm allergic to death.
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Archangel: Hoppy, I don’t think I can handle any more of your tomfuckery.
Hoppy: Oh yeah? Well I can keep going until you’re all tomfuckered out!
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Hoppy: (Y/n), what are you doing tomorrow?
Archangel: Having my day ruined by whatever you’re about to ask me to do.
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Archangel: Someone will die.
Dogday: Of fun!
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Something crashes
Hoppy: Shoot-
Bobby: running into the room in a panic WHAT FELL?!
Archangel: walking by the room calmly What died?
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Archangel: Can you be serious for five minutes?
Kickin: My record is four, but I think I can do it.
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Someone with a gun to Archangel's head: What happens if I pull this trigger? Heaven?
Archangel: Bold of you to assume I'll go to Heaven.
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Catnap: I like to play this game called nap roulette. I take a nap and don’t set an alarm. Will it be 20 min or 4 hours? Nobody knows. It’s risky and I like it.
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Z: When did you become a hero?
Archangel: Um… the moment I saved you from getting killed.
Z: You’re the last person in the galaxy I wanted to rescue me.
Archangel: Well… sucks to be you, don’t it.
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Bubba: It’s just that lollipop sticks last longer than the head, even if they’re less flavorful. I’m thinking of paper sticks, because you can peel off the layers with your teeth or leave it there until they fall off naturally, but plastic sticks can be chewed on too or left sticking out like a cigarette. Paper straws can be eaten layer by layer over time though, so they have the edge.
Hoppy, bored: Can’t we just leave while he's distracted?
Archangel, genuinely interested: But what about wooden sticks?
Hoppy: I hate you.
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Archangel: I am convinced the Captain and Catnap share a brain cell.
Archangel: And it's not in use very often, it seems.
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Archangel: Why am I the bad guy?
Kickin: I don't know, why am I the pretty one? We all have our thing.
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Archangel: We’re having a moment, aren’t we?
Z: If by 'a moment' you mean me not wanting to strangle you for the first time since we met, then I guess we are.
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Kickin: Dumbest scar stories, go!
Picky: I burned my tongue once drinking tea.
Crafty: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and it burned.
Bubba: I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade.
Bobby: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it in my hand and I got a really bad burn.
Archangel: I have emotional scars.
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Dogday: What leaves a bigger memory than a passionate kiss?
Archangel: A stab wound.
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Archangel: I sense hostility.
Z: Good, because I hate you.
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Archangel: slams down an absolute doorstopper of a tome I checked this out weeks ago for a bit of light reading.
Hoppy: This is light?!
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Archangel: What’s up with the Captain? He's been laying on the floor for like….an hour now?
Bobby: He's just a little overwhelmed.
Archangel: Why?
Catnap: Z smiled at him.
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Literally anyone: Go to hell!
Archangel: Where do you think I come from?
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Hoppy: Just trust me. Have I ever put you in an unsafe or uncomfortable situation?
Archangel: All the time.
Hoppy: Then you should be used to it by now.
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Archangel: I’m so tired.
Bubba: Did you get to bed late?
Archangel: No.
Bubba: Did you do something strenuous?
Archangel: No.
Bubba: Then why are you tired?
Archangel: I’m alive.
Bubba: Sounds exhausting.
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Archangel: Dear Diary, my teen angst bullshit has a body count.
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A cult member: Didn't you die?!
Archangel: That was weeks ago. Things change.
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Archangel: I’d kill someone if you asked me to.
Dogday: I’m pretty sure you’d kill someone even if I didn’t ask you to.
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minx1o · 2 days
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Kaiser would def pull a justin bieber on you and forget he has a girlfriend while running away from the paparazzi ToT
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fyodorscoolhat · 6 hours
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Call forth the rats! (art by me please don’t steal or repost)
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totally-not-tab · 10 hours
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Am I the only one who thinks that this asshole
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would listen to
like
fuckin
Hollywood Undead or some shit
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webshood · 17 days
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Wayne's social media where all Tim does is be everyone's 1# hater (accidentally deleted it lol)
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It always backfires with Bruce
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sweeneydino · 23 days
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Pov: You're Leo 🫵
Waiting to see a story just about Mikeys manipulating their Leos with Puppy Dog Eyes and all of the brothers trying their hardest not to bend to their will.
The power they possess...
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heartfullofleeches · 1 month
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[Fast Food Reader gets kidnapped by the ball pit entity's cult for the thousandth time. They hang over the ball pit with a knife point at their neck as the leader of the cult chants.]
Fast Food Reader, whispering to the ball pit: Psst- Can you just tell your weird cult I have immunity or something.
[The cult leader stops abruptly]
Cult Leader: Hey, Hey - Whoa, easy. We aren't a cult.
Fast Food Reader:. You aren't a cult..... And I can just get a new job in a different city without everyone "mysteriously" disappearing after my first shift.
Cult Member: I'll start a cult for you - and let you free!..... If you give me a kiss in exchange 👉👈
[Several of the cult members ooo]
Cult Leader: Can you idiots not flirt with this vile devil who has lead our lord astray?! If labels are so important to you - we're a fan club.
Fast Food Reader: ...I think we have two very different ideas of the word fan club.
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chrollohearttags · 1 month
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the morning after • reiner braun
mornings with your husband are always fun but the one after valentines is rather eventful!
playful banter, flashbacks to heavy smut, chubby reiner, plus size black reader, mentions of anal play/toys, breeding, squirting and other slutty tings, daddy’s used, reiner being aggravating as hell 😭
word count: 1.6K
📝: goes without saying but this is so self indulgent bc why not? I need him biblically, carnally and physically. I also need to engage in hand to hand combat with him one good time.
. °•★|•°∵ ∵°•|☆•° .** . °•★|•°∵ ∵°•|☆•° .** . °•★|•°∵ ∵°•|☆
the scene was a chaotic one..a messy one indeed!..
once crispy white sheets strewn about the floor, pillows tossed to the wayside. Expensive clothing with designer tags torn to shreds as they lie in a pile in the corner near the nightstand. All a result of one thing or rather..one person in particular.
“Mmm, good morning, sugar. You look beautiful—“
“Mm, good morning to you too, sir.”
two very starkly contrasting reactions from a couple who shared equal blame in this very erratic mess that was the master bedroom of your two story ranch home. You stood before the bathroom mirror, silk robe tied around your body to match the bonnet atop your head..plumpness swaying with each step underneath as you picked at your face. Examining the aftermath of last night’s wild antics. It was Valentine's Day and to say it was your most eventful yet would be a gross understatement. Dinner in the city, giant bouquets of roses, a night at the theater, lavish gifts provided by your doting husband and of course…intense, filthy love making to end the evening. You couldn’t have asked for a more ideal night. However, you had felt the effects of what transpired and saw them too.
“What’s with the grumpy face? Why do you sound like that?” The thick country accent spouted before it was quickly overcome with loud cackling as he doubled over into the sheets. The doting husband in question was none other than Reiner Braun. Retired NFL star turned rancher and the source of your early morning headache. That was the beauty of marriage. Having that one person you could not live without but definitely could use a day or two of break away from them! And this man was no exception to the rule. “I don’t know, you tell me! You must know since you’re laughing so damn hard.” Already, he had worked you into a tizzy and you hadn’t been awake more than ten minutes at this point. Getting up to relieve yourself and examine the damage he had done. You had lash extensions that had seemed to sweat out, a slight indentation in your neck from the collar you so quickly allowed him to place around your neck and your hair? God only knew what bird’s nest was underneath this bonnet. You could’ve killed him for his little cacklefest and making light of your very distressed condition. But truthfully, you had no one else to blame but yourself. Truth was, you two brought out the absolute worst in one another. Not by way of toxic behaviors or tumultuous fights but your filthy desires. Things that you would’ve never tried or even thought of prior to meeting each other in the bedroom, all manifested once you were together. Sexual fantasies beyond anyone’s comprehension and your dirtiest secrets all shared right here. You let it all happen and consequences be damned. Enjoying each other in such carnal ways, often led to things like this transpiring and Reiner found it more and more amusing each time.
“Just pull it off, I’m sure it’s not that bad. I bet you look adorable.” “Oh, kiss my ass, Reiner! You know my hair is messed up and you’re to blame.” Shouting at your husband as he tried to conceal his laughter behind a pillow because he had already caught a glimpse of your very altered state and decided to commentate the occasion with a photo of you all disheveled; hair tousled like that of a rooster, one breast dangling from your tank top and drool coming from your mouth as you slept set to his Lock Screen..needless to say, you were not moved! “Oh it’s defintely fucked up. But ya’ look so cute! And your tits?..look amazing.” Which was of little consolation to you! But just how had this insane night come to pass? Well, you guys could only attribute it to one thing..
flashback: the night before
“Right there, baby? C’mon..moan for me.”
“Yes! Right there, take it! Fuck..”
loud, rambunctious movements sounded off from beyond the walls of your bedroom. The heavy headboard smacking against the wall as your husband’s rough hands grasped at it for leverage. Holding himself steady as he slammed into you repeatedly. Consistently deep yet sporadic thrusts filled your core with no plans to cease anytime soon. Sweat beaded from your forehead and your makeup coursed down your face like that of a stream as it melted off from the intense session. That thick, burly frame stood over your own..perspiring as well but still as energized as ever and determined to put you through this mattress! In his opposite hand, he brandished a pink leash to match the collar tied around your throat and tugged tighter to keep you reigned in. His own gift for the occasion. Along with that skin tight, latex lingerie you were sporting. Thrashing you around on his cock with brute force but you didn’t complain and in fact, begged him relentlessly for more!
“Give me that fucking pussy..open it up—thereee ya’ go.”
nodding and gliding his tongue across his lips as you placed those long acrylics to your asscheeks and spread yourself open for more working room and his viewing pleasure!…exposing that bejeweled, heart shaped plug that your other hole was sucking on at the moment. Fluttering with each thrust as those creamy strings leaked down onto it. He couldn’t get enough and neither could you, quite honestly. It felt incredible and Reiner was going to spend all night if he had to..making certain that you were well fucked and satisfied. Even if you had to crawl the next morning. Tugging that collar once more, he’d prompt you to open your mouth before filling it with spit and demanding that you rub it on your center. “That’s right, look at me when you rub that clit, sweetheart. I wanna see your pretty face when you come on this dick.” Watching and listening to you writhe and whine as you worked yourself into yet another orgasm. “I’m gonna come, daddy! Please…keep—fucking me, just like that. Just like that!” Your leg trembled whilst it dangled over his shoulder blade. Being laced with soft kisses on both your ankle and instep. His lips curled into a maniacal smile as he watched his dumb, fucked out little slut work herself into another climax. Having come a total of three times already. Once by his fingers in the living room, for a second time when he ate your pussy until tears dripped down your face and for a third now.
“T-take some ou—“ “Not a fucking chance, baby. If you wanna squirt, I suggest you do it with me inside you or hold it in. Your only choice.”
he was pounding into your core, swallowed up by that overwhelming tightness that was your cunt and Reiner did not want to pull out. Having already stuffed you with one hefty load, he wanted—no, needed to give you more! More of that healthy nut that spilled down onto the sheets and your little asshole as he fucked it out of you and brought you to your peak again. He could sense the sheer desperation on your gorgeous face; heaving and crying as you pawed at his once toned six pack. Replaced by a solid yet rounder core but still just as sexy as ever. Blonde stubble grazing your cheek as he leaned down to shove his tongue into your mouth. Sloppy, nasty pecks complete with light taps to your cheek and a palm residing on your forehead as he continued drilling you. “I said come, princess. I know it’s big but you can handle it, right?” Nodding profusely to sate his desire but alas, he wasn’t finished..not by a long shot. Rubbing profusely, (y/n) released a shrill cry as you let juices splatter all over his torso. The sounds of flowing liquids going on in spurts as he pumped that squirt out of your body.
“Good girl, I knew I could depend on you.” Cackling once more as he made one more move, one that would send shockwaves throughout your body. Tugging out that plug, he’d swiftly take its place before you had time to react both mentally and physically. Whispering into your ear:
“So I’ll reward you by fucking this pretty little ass of yours. Let’s see how you take it.”
end flashback
“You’re impossible, you know that? Got me looking a fucking mess…” mumbling off to yourself and smacking your teeth as you picked at your eyes in the mirror. Even so, he was still getting his fair share of cackles from your suffering! “Nonsense, you’re beautiful, poundcake..no matter what. Nothing could change that. If it makes you feel better, you can just take the black card and whatever you need redone, just go get it.” his statement seemed so sincere but alas, it wouldn’t last long and your adorable pout soon shifted to a deadpan scowl. “Thank you, papa—“ “..yeah, it’s something about the way you slobber when you’re snoring all loud that’s just so..sexy.” Mockingly chewing at his lip and narrowing his eyes. “Please, go to hell.” Tossing a nearby roll of tissue in his direction before he shielded it with a pillow. “I can’t yet. But I can go to Krispy Kreme. You want something?” It was official, you were locked in for the long haul with this man but you wouldn’t want it any other way!
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zorosleftmantit101 · 10 months
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One piece men reacting to you telling them.
"-You make my heart feel warm"
Characters: Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, kid, killer, buggy, crocodile, corazon, shanks, ace, sabo, mihawk, smoker, Katakuri
A/N: Thought I should probably throw in some fluff a lil bit of crack.
I made Sabo a lil french man ❤️
C/W: fluff, Swearing, mentions of heart attacks, mentions of telling ppm to kts.
Luffy:
"Are you having a heart attack?"
Zoro:
"me?" Staring at you with disbelief.
"No Zoro the fucking wall... yes you!"
Growls and pouts at you being an ass but will pull you into his lap.
"You make my heart feel warm too~"
"What was that Zoro?"
"NOTHING I UHH TOLD YOU TO KILL YOURSELF!"
Sanji:
What are you gonna say at my funeral now that you've killed me.
"A loving partner and a strong fighter, Sanji will br forever missed"
Sanji
2004- 2023
Death by nose bleed/s
Kid:
"Yeah well your a shit."
Your sad cause you was just tryna be a cutie
Dw I got you come to me *licks lips deviously*
As your walking away all sad Kid yanks your arm so your sitting on his lap.
"I guess you make my heart feel things too, but dont go letting that get to your head!"
Killer:
"Oh cool didn't know I could do that"
He's not dumb he's just being a dickhead on purpose to get a reaction out of you.
Buggy:
"I do? I- uhhh I mean OF COURSE I DO I AM THE GREAT MPPH-"
Shut this man up with a massive smooch or a fist to the face your choice.
Crocodile:
"Is that so darling~"
His calloused fingers motion for you to come forward.
Walking towards him as he sits at his desk he pulls your hand into his brining it to his lips.
"Your so cute doll, one day im going to put a ring on this finger make you mine- make your heart only warm for me~"
Mihawk:
"Ok"
Corazon:
Grabs your wrist kissing it while smiling before twirling you and dipping yoy in his embrace
"Mm you make me heart bloom like the flowers in a thousand springs my love~"
You where ready to ravish the man right there if he didn't trip sending the two of you crashing to the floor..
Ace:
"Say on god"
Sabo:
"You flatter me Mademoiselle, my heart warms at your affection as well"
Shanks:
"Thats kinda gay"
Smoker:
"Oh thats nice umm you make my heart feel... umm..."
*proceeds to walk away out of sheer embarrassment*
Katakuri:
"Are you /srs or /j"
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chronicbeans · 2 months
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Reader: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, Husk?
Husk: Nnnope.
Alastor: I do! :D
Reader, tired: I know Alastor.
Alastor: I'm sorry for killing you, my dear. :)
Reader: I know Alastor.
Alastor, carrying a box of chocolate: I'm sorry for killing you, my dear!
Reader, surrounded by boxes of chocolates: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE NO MORE CHOCOLATE-!
Alastor: So raw venison instead? :D
Reader: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE MORE CHOCOLATE!
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sorbetisfruity · 1 month
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Yuu, getting ready to hang out with Malleus:
Yuu: Malleus! But you’re three hours early!!
Malleus: Haha! Oh..you know!
Malleus: I’m just obsessed with you.
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hyperfocuscentre · 8 months
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i think we can all agree that luke’s motives were right for his whole anti-gods rebellion but WHY THE ACTUAL FUCK did he choose the child chomper??
he saw this titan and his silly myths and went ‘i want that one’
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samantitheos · 2 months
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It's not my fault if every single post I see makes me think of them.
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bontensruby · 18 days
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No one:
Literally no one:
Bonten! Sanzu: DARLINGGGGG, GUESS WHO'S BACK FROM JAAAAILLLLL!?!?!?!?
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eosphoroz · 3 months
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I mean... I just HAD to.
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