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thesummerestsolstice · 1 day

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Silm AU Concept that Won't Leave me Alone:

Earendil falls ill, not long after his marriage. None of the healers in Sirion– human or elven– can explain why. Maybe it's because Idril and Tuor left for Valinor recently, and no one really thinks they'll make it there alive. Maybe it's the plague that's been sweeping through war-torn Beleriand. Maybe his body is just giving up on him– it's not unheard of for half-elves to die that way.

And it's becoming clear that Earendil is dying. Nothing they do helps. Some of Elwing's advisors try to keep her away from his bedside– half out of fear his illness is contagious and half because she spends all her time there, refusing to eat or rest. They're trying to protect her from the horrible truth. It isn't working.

Elwing knows of two great sources of magic. One is her own– inherited from Melian, running far stronger in her blood than any had expected, far stronger than it had in her father. Strong enough that she's spent most of her life learning to hide it. Flowers bloom under her feet, birds flock to her side. Elwing is powerful, but she's young; untrained. She tries to help Earendil. She fails.

And then there is the Silmaril. The Silmaril's power is not like hers. It does not make things grow, or bring the birds and gentle beasts of the world to their doorstep. But it drives away the orcs, keeps the wolves at bay, cuts through the darkness, burns away evil. It is a much more violent kind of purification.

And Elwing thinks, is it not evil coursing through my husband's veins, choking his lungs, threatening to tear him away from me?

She takes the Silmaril and pries it open with a dagger, pouring it's divine light into the abalone-shell cup that Idril had given her before she sailed away. She gives it to Earendil, comforts him, climbs into bed beside him. They hold each other, whisper their marriage vows again in the darkness. When Elwing drifts into sleep, she doesn't know if he'll still be there when she wakes up.

And then Earendil wakes up with clear, bright eyes. It works. It works very well. It works so well that Elwing has to teach Earendil how to hide the new light in his eyes and the shimmer under his skin.

Elwing keeps the Silmaril hidden away after that. Some whisper that she's become obsessed with it, just as her father had. In truth, she's just trying to hide the fact that the gem has no light left. Somehow, she doubts her advisors would approve of her decision.

But she doesn't care, and neither does Earendil. They are happy, and in love. Not long after Earendil's recovery– a recovery most think was a miracle sent by the Valar– they have children. Two very strange children with sharp teeth and bright eyes who they love very much.

It looks like everything will work out for Elwing's little family, right until the day the first letter from Maedhros Feanorian arrives.

#silmarillion #silm au #silm headcanons #elwing #earendil #elrond #elrond peredhel #elros #maedhros #eldritch peredhel #sirion #crack treated seriously #what if someone drank a Silmaril?#I kind of want to write more of this is has *implications*#let the Peredhel fam be weird together!!#Elwing and Earendil are the couple of all time

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jonjaydami · 15 hours

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A jonjaydami headcanon.

The choas that would be released if and when Damians brothers find out he's dating another hero and the shovel talk that would soon be after. The thing is they already have Jonathan a shovel talk cause they had always kinda assumed they'd end up together but when they didn't they were not only shocked but super angry.

But of course they leave it alone cause they don't want to damage their little brothers friendships cause they know he doesn't have many but they notice slowly how much Jonathan and Jay start coming over.

Maybe once every other week becomes every week and then almost every day they are always catching Damian texting someone and smiling at his phone. They become confused.

Soon they start their own investigations cause is Damian dating someone? And on patrol maybe they find Damian sneaking a kiss to Jay and they absolutely loose it.

The theories just run wild!!

Jason: soooo our brothers a home wrecker?

Dick: noooo I raised him better then that!! :(

Tim: I just think it's like one of those stories with the love triangle?

Jason: I know you read wattpad and ao3 but leave it out of this

Tim: you know what wattpad is?

Cue to Damian overhearing this and deciding to be an absolute menace. I think from then on he ropes his boyfriends into pranking them by not knowing who's dating who until the batkids break down and finally sit Damian down to talk to him. Then the big reveal they were dating all along.

What surprises Damian is when money starts being passed around.

Damian: you made...bets?

Tim: well duh *rolls eyes*

Damian is about to kill him until Bruce walks in and raises an eyebrow.

Dick: they are all dating

Damian in shock: :0

Bruce just walks over to the table and grabs the biggest cash pile.

Bruce: by the way Jay is a very informative young man. I approve

All the batkids in shock- :0

Turns out he had already not only figured everything out but also went ahead and gave Jonathan and Jay a fatherly talk. Well as a fatherly one as batman can.

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ominouspuff · 3 months

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Repurposing GAR armor towards the end of pulverizing wrinkly Sith

— A guide by CC-1010, ecstatically-ex-marshal commander of Coruscant

A what-if au featuring the Corries pulling all-nighters fueled on caf alone to study republic law, Fox providing his own dubious legal representation resulting in the wildest civil court case in Republic history, and, they can only pray, formidable and clandestine cooperation within GAR high command’s clone contingents via a small-scale GAR-approved candy brand

#fan art #star wars fanart #artists on tumblr #star wars: the clone wars #commander fox #fix it au #ish #It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better AU #rebel!Fox #Implied (because the artist says so and has hc’s): Rebel!GAR #crack treated seriously #Repurposing GAR Armor AU

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ghost-bxrd · 6 months

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Prompt:

Jason, upon coming back to Gotham and seeing how neglected Tim is, breaks into Drake manor and drags Tim by the collar over to Wayne manor and kicks down the door, yelling for Bruce.

“IT’S THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST, BITCH! AND IT WANTS WORDS WITH YOU!”

#prompts #actually that would be fun to write for actual Christmas #jason todd #batfamily #dick grayson #batfam #bruce wayne #robin #red hood #Tim drake #enemy to caretaker #batbros #crack treated seriously

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thatdeadaquarius · 1 month

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PowerPoint night with the genshin cast ✨

NO BC I SAW THIS IN MY INBOX AND I WAS FROTHING AT THE MOUTH WITH TOO MANY IDEASSS, the energy is just this:

You introduce the wonderful concept of powerpoints, then a powerpoint night and you should expect absolute chaos

Mondstadt over here like,

"Why I Deserve Wine:

I am a god

I am YOUR god, give me offerings duh

(insert conclusion here)"

by Venti, he didn't even both filling out some slides, and they're all just plain text with maybe a nice selfie of himself on the first slide lmao

STOP, DILUC'S POWERPOINT BEING A 40 SLIDE PRESENTATION RESPONSE TO VENTI'S AHALKSJ

or better yet, Creator!You version:

"An Explanation of Why the One Above Us All Would Enjoy Living in Liyue During Their Stay Here" by Zhongli, which takes approx. 4+ hours to get thru, and its his case for why u should stay in Liyue Harbor - half the ppl there are actually paying attention and the other half are fast asleep (u included)

Meanwhile Yae Miko trying to stir the pot like, "Which Vision-User, God, or Nation is Our Ruler's Favorite" 💀

Also another presentation that would make several ppl give response presentations and it just becomes: HER SISTER WAS A WITCH BRO = THE CREATOR LIKES SUMERU MORE BRO

CRYING- people like Zhongli, Albedo, Alhaitham, Xingqiu, Neuvillette, Xiao, Sucrose, Jean, Ei/Raiden Shogun, Faruzan all misunderstanding and thinking u actually want a real presentation from them 😭😭

ngl all the Sumeru/Akademiya/Fontaine characters have probably gotten somewhat close to doing some kind of equivalent to this, mostly bc ppl will debate abt the stupidest stuff over there so they get it, wonder if they made drinking games out of it lol

(first question from Sumeru characters is "what is powerpoint night, and why has Alhaitham probably already won it")

pls im so braindead rn there are ENDLESS possibilities for this, if anyone has more I am LISTENING!!!

Safe Travel 0rah,

💀♒

If you wanna join a taglist, DM me what for! "Pspspsss, please tag me for [All SAGAU posts, Only SAGAU Language AUs, diff fandom, etc.]!"

(If you ever wanna drop, just DM me! "No more taglists/[specifically this AU/fandom] please!")

♡the beloveds♡

@karmawonders / @0rah-s / @randomnatics / @glxssynarvi / @nexylaza / @genshin-impacts-me / @wholesomey-artist / @thedevioussmirk / @the-dumber-scaramouche / @chocogi / @fallen-starr / @areaderofbooks / @devilangel657 / @esthelily / @justinsomniachild / @nanithefuck / @questionotmystopit / @chinuneko

@kiyomi-uchiha777

#genshin sagau #sagau #genshin isekai #genshin imagines #gender neutral reader #my asks #aqua asks #aqua rambles #genshin impact sagau #genshin x reader #crack post tbh #crack treated seriously #u know i think i shouldve been using that tag for a long time now and i haven't 💀#tysm orah u keep me going ur IDEASS

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ragsforless · 27 days

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Dune crack!au (1)

Paul: May thy knife chip and shatter-

Feyd: *starts singing* 🎶In another life, I would be your girl🎶

Paul: What?

Feyd: 🎶We keep all our promises, be us against the world🎶

Paul: I’m so confused right now.

Irulan: And I’m recording this.

Feyd: 🎶In another life, I would make you stay🎶

Chani: NGL, he has a great voice.

Stilgar: True.

Irulan: *is still recording* You’re doing great, Feyd!

Paul: Shouldn’t we be fighting-

Chani: Shush, Paul! Let him finish.

Paul: But-

Feyd: 🎶So I don't have to say you were the one that got away, The one that got away🎶

Paul:. . .

Jessica:. . .

Feyd: So how’s my singing?😀

Chani: I approve! You’re going to be our concubine number 2!

Feyd: Nice.

Irulan: Oh, great. A new roommate.

Stilgar: As written.

Paul: What?!

Jessica: I did not see that coming.

Mohiam: I did.

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chiquitafresa · 2 months

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STATICAPPLE NATION YOU ALIVE?!?

Forget to add this to my last post so here you go! might make more of them if I don’t see an increase for them, not ending my other ship art just adding to them.

favorite crack ship frfr ❤️❤️❤️

#vox fanart #hazbin hotel vox #hazbin vox #fanart #vox hazbin hotel #Lucifer hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel lucifer #lucifer morningstar #staticapple #lucifer fanart #lucifer hazbin hotel fanart #crack ship #crack post #crack treated seriously

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chaoticace2005 · 2 months

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Random short of Alastor’s shadow being done with his shit and becoming friends with our favorite losers. ( @xxqueenofdragonsxx @downthegenderriver )

Shadowstor was tired.

So tired.

Contrary to popular belief shadows COULD get tired. And Shadowstor was aware of that early on.

Okay… to be fair most shadows probably can’t get tired. Because most shadows can’t feel.

But Shadowstor was an exception. Because the very reason for it’s exhaustion is the same reason it can think to begin with.

Alastor.

Not the Radio Demon. Because Alastor himself isn’t the Radio Demon, no. Shadowstor helped with that. Helped more than it gets credit for (which is virtually none because of how Alastor likes to posture himself.)

And that’s fine, really. Shadowstor is a shadow for fucks sake. It isn’t made for being directly in the spotlight. Alastor is and Shadowstor fades into the background, being obscured with the focus on it’s counterpart.

The thing that does get Shadowstor exhausted though is the fact that Alastor has the tendency of being an impulsive idiot.

Now, don’t get Shadowstor wrong, Alastor is definitely a large part of why the Radio Demon has a reputation as an unhinged, powerful, scary individual. Shadowstor helped with the powers though, but really it thinks its greatest contribution was the fact that this means the Radio Demon now has some semblance of impulse control.

Alastor may not listen to anyone. But it’s usually kind of hard not to hear out a literal manifestation and source of your powers.

Usually. Because Alastor will still start a fight with pretty much anyone. He’ll go on the air and mock Vox for his crush. He’ll say ducks are an overrated animal right in front of Lucifer. He’ll 1v1 the literally first man. He’ll call Susan’s blouse tacky.

And all Shadowstor can usually do is sit back and watch. Because it’s bound to help Alastor. Bound to be part of the Radio Demon. But that doesn’t stop it from being exhausted every single time Al does start something.

One thing though about being tied to Alastor is you get to know others who are tied to Alastor. Others who are equally exhausted by Alastor.

Husk.

The Bar Cat was one being Shadowstor could relate to on a deep level. Because Shadowstor has to put up with the ineptness of Alastor. But Husk has to put up with the ineptness of Alastor and everyone else.

It’s because of this when Alastor is sleeping (which, despite Angel Dust’s verbal doubts on the matter does happen, Alastor isn’t an all powerful being, despite how much he pretends to be,) Shadowstor sometimes will go out, going downstairs to the bar that is usually only occupied by the Cat-Demon waiting from his not-boyfriend to come home.

(Sexual and romantic feelings are so weird. Relationships are so weird and Shadowstor is glad it doesn’t have to deal with that.)

After a particularly tiring day of Alastor trying to break into the Vees tower and destroy Vox’s body pillow of him, Shadowstor was exhausted. It had pretty much given up on trying where Vox was involved, because Alastor seemed to get particular joy out of taunting the TV, but it still felt like it had to try. At this point it was a matter of principle. It had fought with Alastor on this for years and it was not stopping to just let him win.

“Oh, my dear, you worry too much.” He said to Shadowstor before merging with it into the shadows and traveling across the city.

Fifteen minutes later Shadowstor had to rush them out if there because Vox had installed a shark filled moat around his office. Which Shadowstor had seen but Alastor walked right into. Because apparently “radio demon” powers extend to wresting sharks in the water (it does NOT.)

So now Alastor was asleep after pretending he had totally-not-been chewed up by some demon-sharks. And Shadowstor went downstairs to the bar.

“You too, huh?” Husk said to it, seeming to notice right when the shadow crossed with threshold. Working with the Radio Demon for years would get a person skilled at picking up changes in shadows quickly.

Shadowstor just nodded and slumped against the wall, putting its hands to its head.

The winged cat nodded in agreement, “I’ll drink to that.” He said as he took a half-full whiskey bottle and chugged it.

Shadowstor wished it could drink.

“What was it this time? Lucifer’s ducks again?”

The shadow shook its head and flat, vertically-aligned hand on top of it, making the sign for “shark.”

“Oh. Vox. Do I even want to know?”

Shadowstor shook its head again because no, Husk really didn’t. It doesn’t even want to start to think about the Alastor-Body-Pillow. Or the Alastor shrine. Or the Alastor fanfiction it found (which Vox should be lucky that Alastor didn’t find that because otherwise there’d be another broken TV screen in this hotel.)

Right then a beaten up pink spider burst through the hotel doors, going right to a stool in the bar and crashing onto it.

“Tough night?” Husk asked, already handing his not-boyfriend a drink that had been prepared even before Shadowstor arrived.

“You know it. Fuckin’ Val.”

Husk made a sound to show he was listening.

“Apparently Vox was pissed today. So that meant Val was pissed today.”

Oh… oops?

Okay, to be fair, if Vox is pissed at Alastor that isn’t really Shadowstor’s fault. It tried to stop him.

The shadow made a face palm again at its counterpart’s need to harass every single person he came into contact with.

“Wha- Smiles?”

Alastor’s here?! Wait… no he isn’t. Cause Shadowstor is here. And Shadowstor would know if Al woke up.

Oh… the spider demon is staring right at it.

Shadowstor shook its head, a bit annoyed at the idea of being confused with that impulsive buffoon.

“Huh? Husk, what—“

“That’s Alastor’s shadow.”

Shadowstor waved.

“Alastor’s what?”

“Shadow? You know? The thing that goes around with him. Helps with his powers. I’m sure he’s manifested it in front of you before.”

“Oh… yeah. So it’s just… here? Where’s Al?”

Shadowstor made the sign for sleeping.

“Sleeping.” Husk translated.

“What? How?!”

“His shadow can leave when Alastor isn’t conscious or controlling it.”

“No. I mean how did you get that from that?!” Angel says as he motions back over to Shadowstor which… rude.

“I know sign language.”

“You know WHAT?!”

“Sign language.”

“Jesus Whiskers, how many languages do you know?”

“Well there’s Russian, Spanish—“

“Wait. No. Back to the point. Alastor’s shadow just comes down here sometimes and talk to you?”

“…yeah?”

“About what?”

Shadowstor just makes one sign with as much as exhaustion as it can.

“Alastor.”

“Al— wait,” Angel laughs, “even Smiles’ shadow has a problem with him?!”

Shadowstor starts signing to explain the exact issue it faces with Alastor, Husk working to translate while Angel just nods in response.

“Holy shit. I can’t believe a fucking shadow has some oftha same shitty boss troubles as me.”

Shadowstor gives a shake and growl at that. Because Alastor isn’t it’s boss. It can see Husk about to translate before Angel cuts in.

“Oh… not your boss.”

Shadowstor nods.

“…so you’re like… you’re own person?”

Shadowstor shrugs because who knows. It wasn’t sentient before Alastor but it sure as hell is now.

“… you got a name?”

And Shadowstor pauses because no. It’s just Alastor’s shadow. For as long as it’s been around it’s never had a name. Alastor never deemed that necessary.

“Husk? Does it?” Angel asks when Shadowstor won’t answer which- hey it’s still right here. It can talk for itself. Or respond anyways.

“I don’t… think so?”

Angel turns back to Shadowstor.

“Do ya want one? Like… if you’re separate from Alastor shouldn’t you have a name that isn’t just ‘his shadow.’”

The shadow thinks for a second before slowly nodding, intrigued by this novel idea.

“What about… Tom?”

Tom?

“Tom?” Husk asks.

“Fuck. Fine, what about… Dusk? Cause y’a know shadows and darkness and stuff…”

Dusk… Dusk… it likes that.

Dusk nods and it can see the spider demon smile.

“Sweet. Nice ta meetya Duskie- oh wait. Duskie… Husky! Aw ya rhyme!”

Dusk can see Husk roll his eyes, and that just makes it even more comfortable in its decision.

—Later—

“So, you’re only able to really move around at night? When Al is asleep?”

Dusk nods.

“…Husk, what do you think Lucifer and Vox would say about moving our ‘Fuck Alastor’ meetings to nighttime?”

Oh. Oh Dusk likes this one.

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super-who-locked-me-in-here · 4 months

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Imagining Hannigram being bored so Will suggests they play fuck marry kill

~~~

Hannibal, extremely seriously: I would kill everyone.

Will: I haven't even told you who your choices are.

Hannibal: It doesn't matter. They aren't you. I don't want to marry or make love to anyone else. So I will kill them.

Will: Okay but what if I was one of the options?

Hannibal: Smash

Will, confused: What do you even mean, "smash"?

Hannibal, proud of himself: It means I would take you to bed with me. The other option is pass.

Will: No I know that. I'm asking how you know that.

Hannibal, suddenly avoiding eye contact: I might remind you that I spent a great amount of time as the only person Abigail could interact with.

Will, triggered: Oh okay but did she teach you about Smash or Pass: Pillow Version? Yeah it's a fun time where I smash this ostentatious throw pillow into your face and continue to do so until you pass out and die.

Hannibal, desperately trying to change the subject: My darling beloved dearest would you not choose to... fuck me... Or marry me instead? Be my husband?

Will: I'm going to give you a five second head start

Hannibal, who has come to learn the difference between Will's "I'm going to give you scars because I'm the only one who can" righteous fury and his "I am going to carve out your heart and put it down the fucking garbage disposal" threatening anger, understanding its the latter and already halfway out the front door: I'll be back to make you dinner my love

~~~

I imagine Will does let him back into the house without killing him after that but he makes Hannibal sleep on the $30,000 antique sofa that he bought for aesthetics and not comfort that night, and in the morning when Hannibal wakes up incredibly sore and somewhat regretful, Will offers to massage his back.

Of course Hannibal is like "omg affection from Will" and takes him up on it and so he lays out on the bed and feels Will straddle his thighs to do the massage and he's expecting warm gentle hands and then he feels the chill of one of his scalpels against the side of his neck and Will whispers to him "don't ever. bring up any of my children again."

And then Will does the massage and it turns into an event because Hannibal was just a little bit scared by Will's threats but also extremely turned on by them.

#crack treated seriously #?#hannibal #hannibal crack #hannigram #murder husbands #fuck marry kill #smash or pass

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unorthodoxx-page · 2 months

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I need to stop treating crack seriously. enjoy this short Hazbin Hotel/ROTTMT crossover. I won't blame you for jumping ship 😂

Redemption

Summary:

In Leo’s defense, he’s operating on this being one huge, cosmic, colossal mistake. A joke even, who’s to say that the Almighty doesn’t have a sense of humor? At the very least it’s an overreaction. _ Or, Heaven is really really hard to get into.

#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt #fanfiction #crossover #fanfic #hazbin hotel #ao3fic #ao3 writer #crack fic #crack treated seriously #tmnt donatello #donatello #rise donatello #donnie #leo #leonardo #rottmnt leonardo #tmnt leonardo

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aidaronan · 2 months

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Welcome to the Lube Chute!

Some We're-A-Package-Deal Summer Job Stobin crack, dedicated to @griefabyss69. Also shout out to @wynnyfryd who said the Lube Chute sounded like the location of Stobin's next fail summer job after Family Video got destroyed. "No, I'm telling you, Steve. We have to say it every time."

"We have to say, 'Welcome to the Lube Chute, where our main goal is fillin' all your holes,' every time?"

"Every time." Robin shrugged her shoulders. "It's the whole 'ocean of flavor' thing all over again." She'd started at the Lube Chute a week before him, owing to his need to hover over Eddie while his body knitted itself back together. By the time Steve had decided Eddie could get to the fridge and the bathroom on his own, she had been deemed competent enough to show him the register and inventory procedures.

"Yeah, except 'ocean of flavor' was about ice cream," Steve said. "And this is about, you know, rubber dicks."

"That's the way of stupid retail, huh." Robin sighed dramatically and hopped upon the counter. Next to her sat an open box of flavored lubes. She picked up a pricing gun and started affixing them with stickers.

A few minutes later, the door dinged with the sound of someone pushing their way into the shop. A regular-looking latino man in jeans and a faded Zeppelin tee stepped into the shop.

Steve gave Robin a pleading look, and she pulled her lips thin in sympathy and mouthed, "sorry, your turn." God. Welp. He may as well rip off the Band-Aid.

"Welcome to the Lube Chute," Steve said flatly, "where our goal is fillin' holes."

The guy snorted softly and went on his way, moving toward a rack of adult video tapes. Meanwhile, Robin kept her head down, looking pointedly to where she'd slapped a $.3.99 label onto a bottle of Maxxx Slick Strawberry.

"Like obviously I don't care," she said. "But it is 'where our main goal is fillin' all your holes.'"

"Ugh." Steve rolled his eyes up at the ceiling. "Why is it, like, so long?"

Curling his chin back around, he found the customer at the counter holding Dr. Lovesmuscles's Foot Long Schlong. The customer looked between it and Steve before raising his eyebrows. Shit and fuck. For the first time in literally ever, Steve wished he was back in those tiny Scoops shorts.

"I wasn't... I didn't mean the... I..." Steve stared at the guy over the counter and then gave up on trying to explain, punching things into the register as fast as he could so he could end the interaction. "So for the video and the toy, that comes to $18.39 with tax."

Steve made made change for a $20, put the guy's things into a nondescript brown paper bag, and then bit back a groan when he realized he had to embarrass himself one more time before it was all over.

"Thank you for visiting the Lube Chute. Remember if the base ain't flared, it doesn't go up there. Have a nice day!"

Next to him, Robin coughed into her elbow. When Steve looked over, he found her reading the back of one of the lube bottles, this one watermelon flavored.

"What do you think potassium sorbate even is?" Robin asked. "I mean, I know what potassium is. I passed chem and got into college—go Wildcats. Just... potassium sorbate. What does it even do?"

Steve stared at her for a long moment and then snatched the pricing gun from her hand. #

It was late July. August loomed and with it so did the end of possibly their last summer job together. After this, they were both slated to leave Hawkins. Robin to Northwestern, Steve to Chicago to be near her (and because it made sense as a base for Eddie to work on growing his music career.)

On this particular Wednesday, they had a huge shipment of video tapes to go through. Other than the scantily clad and sometimes fully nude women on the covers, it felt a lot like being back at Family Video. They quickly priced and stocked the tapes that were for sale, and then they worked on storing the covers for the rentals and putting them in the rental cases and then into the system.

"God, Steve, I am just, like, so gay," Robin whispered under her breath for the fifth or sixth time as she stared wide-eyed at a VHS cover. On it, a redheaded woman stared into the camera, her breasts exposed, her hand disappearing down the front of her very thin white panties. "You do know you can just, like, check one of these out, right?" Steve asked. "You're an adult. No one would—" Steve cut himself off when the bell over the door jingled. Jumping at the sound, Robin almost dropped the tape, fumbling with it several times before Steve snatched it from the air and handed it back to her. She was blushing hard when she went to put it into the computer.

One crisis averted, Steve turned toward the door to find one of the owners coming in. Shit.

Steve had slacked off on the welcome and goodbye phrases over the course of the summer because, well, he didn't want to say them. And now he wasn't sure he even remembered them properly. Shit, shit, shit.

He smiled and nodded as the owner approached the counter. Stephanie was a sleek, blonde woman who looked nothing like the kind of person you might expect to own a sex shop.

"Order come in okay?" she asked.

"Oh, uh, one damaged tape so far," Steve said. "Definitely an improvement over the last order."

'If the base is too...' No, that wasn't it.

"Love to hear that since I spent 3 hours yelling at the distributor after that incident."

'Where we fill holes for...' Definitely not.

"Yeah, right, sucked for us too beca—" Steve froze as a customer walked into the shop. He looked over at Robin, hoping to catch her eyes for a save, but she was laser-focused on sorting another box of tapes into alphabetical order for processing.

Fuck. Steve smiled at the incoming customer. Okay, he could do this. Deep breath, winning smile. "Welcome to the Lube Chute, where our main goal is fillin' all your holes."

Robin inhaled a deep gasp right around the same time that Stephanie burst into raucous laughter, throwing her head back and exposing her slender throat. In another life where he wasn't already tits over ass for Eddie Munson, he would've had to fall a little in love with her.

"Oh my God, that is too good." Stephanie wiped tears form her eyes with her thumbs and then giggled a few more times. "Jesus, Steve. Did you come up with that on your own?"

"Wha—?" Steve snapped his eyes over to Robin, who had her teeth set in grimace that would have been comedic at any other time. Shoulders pulled up around her ears, her eyes bled with apology.

Steve clenched his jaw and turned back to Stephanie, slipping into the most suave persona he could muster under those conditions. "Oh, you know, just thought you'd get a kick out of it."

"Well, you were right about that." Stephanie shook her head and grabbed the money bag to take it to the bank. "'Fillin' holes!" She laughed again on her way out the door.

Steve watched like a hawk as her car pulled out of the parking lot and then rounded on Robin, voice low as the customer browsed the "New Videos!" display.

"You told me we HAD to say..."

"Oh my God, I was gonna tell you after, like, a week, but then you stopped doing it on your own, so I just kinda..." Robin made a wobbly gesture with both hands, and Steve sighed deeply.

"You're walking home today," he said, but they both knew he didn't mean it, especially when his lunch break rolled around and he saved her half his orange as usual. # It was still July, and they could see the customer approaching from the parking lot. "Steve," Robin said. "Steve, please." "I want to point out that it's your own fault that you have to do this now, officially, as part of company policy. Because Stephanie liked it so much." "Steve, but..." Steve jutted his hip out against the counter and crossed his arms, waiting. With the same put-upon sigh he'd grown used to at Scoops and Family Video, Robin drew herself up taller and slapped her hands down on either side of the register. Through the front door, a fat woman with curly brown hair stepped into the shop. Robin beamed at her. "Welcome to the Lube Chute! Where our main goal is fillin' all your holes."

#crack treated seriously #stobin #this started as a joke on the Discord and then I was told I needed to put something on tumblr for the masses #when you embarrass your bestie for the bit and it backfires

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theroundbartable · 8 months

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Arthur has been hexed. Again. It's not an evil one and technically, it doesn't hurt him in any way. It's just -

"im bloody red, Merlin!"

Merlin turns page after page. "Apparently that just signals that you're in love. It doesn't say with who, it's just... Apparently you're head over heels."

Arthur: that's stupid. I'm not in love. Show me the page.

So Merlin does and Arthur eventually has to relent. "What's even the purpose of this?"

Merlin shrugs. "Seems like a cruel joke to me. It only goes away in 25 hours."

"25? That's an odd number. Whatever." Arthur sighs. "I have no idea who this is supposed to be about. I mean... Shouldn't I want someone for this to make sense?"

Merlin shrugs again. "Hell if I know. But there must be someone you like. Why not just... i dunno, ask them out and figure it out. Perhaps it's not even meant romantically. I mean, sometimes the cook leaves me extra blueberries. I could swear I fall in love with her every time. And she's 64."

Arthur nods. "Hmm. Maybe. Well, I mean, the closest person to me is you. Maybe that's who they mean? I mean, you're an idiot. But you say wise things sometimes."

Merlin: me? That's hella weird. We already spend 99% of our time together. Why would you want to be with me?

Arthur: i don't. That's the point.

Merlin: hmm. You know what? It wouldn't even change anything. We could like... start dating. If it's annoying we just go back to normal. If it isn't, then we get some experience for dating life. I think that's kind of benefitial, don't you think?

Arthur: you're only say that because you can have more blueberries if you are my consort.

Merlin: yes. And you can't force me to polish your armor anymore. Or put me in the stocks for insulting you

Arthur: I don't see what's in it for me, then.

Merlin: hmm..... I would let you sleep in, in the morning.

Arthur: no, you wouldn't.

Merlin: ... Ok fair

Arthur: but you'd have to consult me before you do your self sacrificial bullshit again. And you'd be easier protected when we're attacked... Maybe it's not such a bad idea

Merlin: see? I'm a genius.

Arthur: do we have to make out?

Merlin: no, but i'm not against it. Are you?

Arthur: hmm.... No. Not really. So, it's a deal then?

Merlin: yeah, sure. Sounds fun

.....

5 years later

Arthur: I think we should get married

Merlin: hmm... Why?

Arthur: tax evasion

Merlin: ....

Merlin: we don't even pay taxes

#bbc merlin #merthur #this is how they really get together #crack treated seriously #also canon #i know my idiots #concept

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is-the-thing-actually-jewish · 4 months

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are otters or songbirds more jewish i have an argument to settle

Rating: Songbirds, but there's a makhloket

The majority opinion holds that songbirds are more Jewish than otters, as it is written, “Even the sparrow has found a home and the swallow a nest for herself in which to set her young near Your altar, O LORD of hosts, my Sovereign and my God” (Psalms 84:4). There are many other texts that mention songbirds throughout the Tanakh; there are zero results for “otter” as referring to the animal on Sefaria in our sacred texts.* Thus, the simple answer is that songbirds are more important in Judaism, and therefore more Jewish, than otters. Additionally, medieval Jewish illumination such as the famous Bird's Head Haggadah depicts Jews with human bodies and the heads and beaks of birds, indicating a close connection between Jews and birds:

However, as is Jewish tradition, we preserve the following minority opinions as well:

Otters are more Jewish than songbirds: Songbirds were created on the fifth day of creation, while otters, like humans, were created on the sixth day. Therefore, otters are closer to humanity, and Jews are part of humanity, so otters are more Jewish than songbirds. (Genesis 1:20-24) Furthermore, this photo from the Cincinnati Zoo speaks for itself:

Both otters and songbirds are equally Jewish: Psalms 50:10-11 reads “For Mine is every animal of the forest, the beasts on a thousand mountains I know every bird of the mountains, the creatures of the field are subject to Me.” Clearly, this covers both otters and songbirds, so both are equally Jewish. Furthermore, otters and songbirds both look extremely cute in yarmulkes, which may not be halakhically relevant but feels important to state nonetheless.

Neither otters nor songbirds are Jewish; however, they are righteous gentiles under the Noahide covenant: To be Jewish means to be bound by the Abrahamic covenant in relationship with the Holy One. As animals are neither descended from Jewish parents nor have the agency to choose to be bound by the covenant made between God and Abraham, as human converts do, neither otters nor songbirds are Jewish**. However, following the great flood, God said to Noah, “I now establish My covenant with you and your offspring to come, and with every living thing that is with you—birds, cattle, and every wild beast as well—all that have come out of the ark, every living thing on earth. (Genesis 9:9-10). This covenant, symbolized by the rainbow, is God’s commitment to every living thing (clearly including both songbirds and otters) that God will never flood the Earth again-- something every one of us can support.

*(okay, there are three results: one is a typo for “utter” as in “our otter ruin” and the other two are German).

** My cat, however, is definitely Jewish.

#jumblr #general category topic #birds #songbirds #otters #rainbow #crack treated seriously

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junijupi · 1 year

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y'all i can't even defend myself anymore. WIP

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sad-sad-detective · 2 months

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Your Valentines order - one Dewther wrapped in tortilla (blanket), extra cheesy!

#the band ghost #nameless ghouls #aether ghoul #dewdrop ghoul #ghost fanart #my art #dewther #aether/dewdrop #crack treated seriously

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ragsforless · 26 days

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Dune crack!au (3)

Paul: Stilgar, have you seen my wife?

Stilgar: Which one, your grace?

Paul: My beloved-

Stilgar: Princess Irulan? She’s currently drunk and dancing with her books in the library.

Paul: No, not her! My favorite wife!

Stilgar: Oh! Your darling Feyd!

Paul: My darling who?

Stilgar: Your crazy but super gorgeous Harkonnen “wife” is currently baking cookies in the kitchen-

Paul: He’s not my “darling” and he’s not my favorite wife!

Stilgar: Are you sure?

Paul: No comment.

Stilgar: That’s what I’ve thought.

Paul: Ugh. I meant my beloved Chani. Where’s my Chani?

Stilgar: She’s with Feyd.

Paul: She’s baking evil Harkonnen cookies with my Feyd?!

Stilgar: Fortunately, Chani doesn’t know how to bake but that’s not the point-

Paul: Fortunately?! Is she trying to burn down the kitchen again?!

Stilgar: More like steal and eat Feyd-Rautha’s evil cookies again.

Paul: *sighs* Why are they even hanging out and getting along?

Stilgar: Don’t ask me. I’m just your faithful servant while those two are your crazy concubines.

Paul: And that’s the problem, Stilgar! I didn’t want another crazy concubine!

Stilgar: Well, it’s not my fault that you chose the last hottest Harkonnen to be your 2nd concubine.

Paul: I didn’t have a choice!

Stilgar: Are you sure?

Paul: No comment.

Stilgar: Chani did say that Feyd’s cookies are better than our spice-

Paul: Blasphemy!

Chani: *walks in without a care* No, it’s true. Feyd bakes the best galactic Giedi Prime cookies ever.

Stilgar: As written.

Chani: Want one?

Paul: I’m allergic.😑

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