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#cullen clan

What if our boy Eddie decided to audition for the high school play in order to impress his lady love without first reading which play he was auditioning for? He uses a monologue from Romeo and Juliet and does super well (cause he’s dramatic and angsty as shit) and the whole Cullen family waits with bated unnecessary breath for the cast list to come out and when it does…

Ta-da, Edward is cast as the lead in Peter Pan and must now sing about how he will never grow up while Bella loses her shit in the audience at every single matinee. 

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If I saw what I thought was an immortal child within 100 miles of the vampire known for his self control and smart decisions, Carlisle Cullen, I would go to him for clarification or an explanation before running straight to the Volturi.

Like RIP to Irena but I’m different.

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twilight canon

  • esme is jewish
  • emmett is black
  • jasper is mexican american and was Forced to fight for the confederacy
  • when he met maria he was escaping to the union
  • carlisle is a dumb bottom change my mind
  • alice?? a literal faerie
  • PTSD bella is explored more, she doesn’t get better immediately after eggie boy comes back
  • eggie boy is not as Stupid and actually has some Common Sense
  • rosalie? perfect.
  • we get to see emmett and rosalie bonding jfc
  • riley? saved by the cullens. stfu. he was just used and manipulated and he deserved to Live
  • bree tanner? safe. lived with the cullens for a while, learning how to control her thirst.
  • she started an underground railroad for abused teens, you can’t change my mind
  • leah? deserves better. she finds a lovely wife
  • imprinting isn’t romantic at all
  • actually it doesn’t exist
  • leah isn’t broken or invalid because of being a female shifter. her uterus works just fine smeyer
  • jacob? never demonized. doesn’t assault bella because his character would never do that.
  • he doesn’t pine after bella after she tells him she isn’t interested in him like that
  • bree and seth are besties
  • shifters don’t age until they like,,,want to canonically, so seth and bree fall in love over a Long while because trust issues
  • but seth makes her happy
  • they travel the country together, protecting teens and runaways
  • victoria? her mate was never james she was also manipulated
  • cullens adopt her too
  • victoria is leahs wife change my mind
  • rosalie and emmett adopt a human baby and raise them to be loving and true
  • rosalie gets to be the mom she always wanted to be
  • emily was never mauled by her fiancé
  • sam didn’t dump leah for emily
  • sam and leah were just friends
  • cause boys and girls can be friends smeyer, no need for weird love triangles
  • emily just doesn’t like sam
  • he respects that and Doesn’t maul her
  • charlie knows about the supernatural
  • charlie carlisle and billy all go fishing together
  • shifters don’t shift when angry. they shift sporadically in the beginning but once trained, they shift at will
  • the pack don’t all have cropped hair because that doesn’t even make sense???
  • they just like have their hair braided or something when in human form and bAM braided fur. or better yet. their human forms don’t change their wolf ones. i mean if hair really matters then jacob as a wolf would be brown like his Brown hair not russet coloured
  • anyways there are no straight/cis vampires, everyone is LGBT+ and smeyer never wrote the demon child
  • add more if you want
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Author’s note: I know I’ve been gone for almost two months or so but I’ve literally had to move my entire life across the world to another continent I’d never stepped foot on until now. To celebrate breaking my leave of absence, here’s an extended first chapter of the Twilight universe fic I mentioned earlier. I began writing this three or four years ago and I haven’t changed any of the content so I’m not completely happy with the style but I have a lot of plans for this story and can’t wait to develop it into what is possibly a collection of fanfics.

Basically, this story takes place in the Twilight universe pre-Bella moving to Forks (though that will come up very soon) when a newborn vampire named Maggie who is a young teenager stumbles across the Cullen Clan. There’s nothing romantic or sexual in the plot (yet, hehe but I’ve been waiting for YEARS to set this character up with one of the Denali girls) and it’s more focused on the family bonding esp. the mother-daughter relationship between the main character and Esme. 

Oh, also, new Nat fic coming out soon. 


Two things ran through Maggie’s mind when she came across the house in the woods. Number one: She was scared that she would catch someone’s scent and so she planned to turn around and run. Number two: She couldn’t stop wondering what kind of job the owner of the house had. Were they an heir to a family company? A part of the mafia? Lottery winner? But the longer she stayed to admire the architecture of the serene, modern home with the perfect location in the middle of the woods, she began to realize that its residents weren’t exactly normal people.

She flinched when her eyes landed on what could only be human hair. Her body automatically engaged itself to pounce although in her mind she begged that she’d have the strength to pull away and send herself running in the opposite direction. However, she found that she didn’t need to. Even though she had recently obtained perfect sight, she rubbed her eyes as if she were in a trance before taking another look at the woman inside the house. She had the most beautiful and voluptuous brunette curls that framed her kind face so well and a soft smile that seemed to soothe Maggie’s nerves even while she was scrambling to figure out what was going on.

The problem was that there was no smell. There was absolutely no scent of blood.

Keep reading

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Imagine if the Cullens had a podcast. Like they say fuck it and tell the world they’re vamps and each podcast is them telling stories with different themes or different family members.

Ep #1: How Each Member Joined the Fam

Ep #2: Pros and Cons of being a Vampire/Common misconceptions

Ep #3: How to Cope With Your Emo Son and His Angst ft. Esme and Carlisle

Ep #4: What to do When Your Daughter Starts Dating a Vampire ft. Chief Charlie Swan

Ep #5: How to Outrun the Volturi hosted by Emmett and Jasper.

Ep #6: What it’s Like to Be a Hybrid ft. Carlie (resume) and Nahuel.

The Volturi can’t do shit because the fandom is W I L D and would burn down Volterra if they killed the Cullens.

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  • Modernity makes being a newborn easier and harder
  • The vampiric instincts are harder to control, since humans are everywhere
  • Mistakes are also more severe, due to technology (security cameras, more thorough police investigations, etc)
  • The Cullen family would definitely move somewhere very isolated to help you with the first few years, which are the hardest
  • The bonus of modernity is that you can still feel connected to the world through TV and the internet
  • You can help Esme choose furniture online, and take part in Alice’s online shopping
  • In the first few weeks, you spend a lot of time with Rosalie and Jasper
  • Jasper helps you learn how to control your emotions
  • Rosalie is a good enough fighter to defend herself if you get out of control, and she accompanies you when you go hunting
  • Edward and Alice are often on the periphery, warning the others when you might get out of control
  • You don’t like Edward at all for the first few months
  • Esme is a very soothing influence on you after the first few hectic weeks
  • She helps you learn how to act more human and slow down your actions through painting and gardening
  • Carlisle is almost like a step-father
  • You know he means well, but his moral lectures rub you the wrong way sometimes
  • It takes a little while to open up and feel comfortable around him, especially since he seems so perfect
  • Emmett was never truly afraid of you, but after a few months he slowly shows you the fun side to your new life, teaching you all of the fun goofy stuff you can do like endlessly scuba dive and play star wars with trees (Esme scolds you two, but she is happy to see you having fun)
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Do you have headcannons about being with Esme?
  • You definitely meet through work: probably teaching at an elementary school
  • You’re in different grades, but everyone shares a staff room
  • She has grade 5s, who hate her for no reason
  • (the reason is normal people feel nervous around vampires)
  • You do your best to comfort her about her grade 5s
  • After winter break you become the grade 4 teacher, becoming Esme’s neighbouring classroom
  • During the teacher’s social before March break, you get wine drunk and tell Esme about your family problems
  • She drives you home, and on the way you reveal your huge crush you have her
  • Then you proceed to cry because you “made it weird”
  • Esme makes sure you get inside and get into bed before she leaves you
  • She also leaves her number on the kitchen table
  • The next day, you call to apologize
  • You’re shocked beyond belief when she invites you out on a date
  • It’s a bookstore date, but a date nonetheless
  • You end up buying the same book
  • That’s the beginning of your two-person book club
  • Once a month you meet up at your apartment or her house and discuss the book (no wine, not anymore)
  • You also have lots of time in the summer to hang out, especially when her ‘brother’ Carlisle takes their teenaged “nieces and nephews” on week-long camping trips
  • You like her family, even if they’re a little quirky
  • When you two go back to school, it takes almost a full semester before the staff (and kids) catch on that you’re dating
  • there’s a lot of “Miss Cullen and _________, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g…” on the playground
  • You’re really concerned because of how cold Esme is, especially as fall turns into winter
  • You buy her nice thermal clothes for Christmas and a hot waterbottle
  • But the more time you spend together, the more you notice
  • Like her eyes changing
  • Her unwillingness to eat or indulge (she will still eat a bit, but never happy about it)
  • You try learning to cook different things, even asking Carlisle on the sly if there’s something you could cook or something you could do to make her comfortable
  • Secretly, the Cullen family find this all very endearing
  • You join them for family game nights
  • After dating Esme for a year, she finally tells you everything
  • At first, you’re upset because of everything she’s been hiding
  • And then you are upset for the fear of losing her
  • But after talking, your relationship only gets stronger
  • She spends a lot more time at your apartment, as she doesn’t have to pretend to eat
  • Every night she reads with you in bed before you go to sleep
  • When the Cullen’s approach the end of their time in your town, you two get married
  • Your honeymoon is very enjoyable and safe, thanks to a wide range of toys…
  • You live as a human until your early thirties, at which point Esme changes you after you have a near-death experience
  • Book club becomes a family tradition, although Jasper and Bella attend far more frequently than the others
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A Scenario for Edward and a mute s/o?

Hi! This is a bit vague, so I hope you enjoy what I came up with :)

Dating Edward was convenience at its finest. Not a lot of people knew sign language at school, and it was annoying to type or write out what you wanted to say all of the time. Even worse, it was easy for other people to ignore you— all they had to do was turn their head. Your parents were slightly better, but it was frustrating to have to wave like a maniac or bang on something to get their attention, just so you could tell them the washer’s leaking, or that they have to turn the internet modum back on in order for the wifi to work. As you got older, they stopped learning sign language. In your small town, you became trapped by your own limited ASL vocabulary, and the short attention span of others. Some days you felt invisible, like if you went another hour without someone making eye contact that you would actually disappear.

That changed when the Cullen family moved to your town. Your chemistry teacher had to ask Edward if he was comfortable with the material, as asking you questions was kind of difficult. He assured her he would be fine, and you looked down. You had a 98 in the class, there was no reason you couldn’t help him if he asked.

At first, sharing a desk with Edward seemed worse than being alone at the back. You needed somewhere to plug in your laptop, after all. For the first few days, he sat on the edge of his seat and wouldn’t look at you. Then he was gone for a week. You stewed for the first few days, feeling somehow that he was avoiding you. Over the weekend you decided to take the high road, and you printed your class notes and brought them for him on Monday.

You got to class first, leaving the notes on his side of the desk. You opened your laptop and began the login process as he sat down. You heard him flip through the notes.

“Thank you,” he said. You looked over, shrugging to let him know it wasn’t a big deal.

“I don’t think I introduced myself. I’m Edward Cullen.”

You opened a document and typed your name to show him.

“Do you know ASL?” he asked. You nodded. And then he began to sign, and your jaw dropped. Only the bell ringing snapped you back to attention.

There was partner work today, a lab taken from the textbook. You put away your laptop and took out a notebook as the teacher passed around the materials and the lab instructions.

“Just do your best, you two,” the teacher said, setting down the pages.

“Oh, we’ll be fine, thank you.” Edward assured her, and then turned to give you a wink.

After that, you two slowly became inseparable. Edward was the perfect conversation partner: even when you didn’t know all of the signs, he knew what you meant. And he always waited for you to type or write, if that was what you wanted. He ended up teaching you different signs, and he started talking while signing to help. He claimed that he’d taken courses for it at his old school. You weren’t sure you believed that.

Over time, it felt like you were in sync. To a creepy extent: you’d be halfway through signing out something, and he would answer your question before it even made sense. That, in combination with your general observations of him (cool skin, eyes changing, never eating, looking perfect) lead you to believe something wasn’t quite right. It was during a heated discussion on Chaucer that it all came out. You both were getting worked up, your mind speeding like a train, but hampered by your hands. You had neither your laptop nor a notebook, and your phone was on 4%. Edward started answering your thoughts instead of your hands. Neither of you noticed for almost two minutes, and then you realized. And, reading your thoughts, he realized too.

He told you everything that night, sneaking into your room. It was perfect: you got to lie in bed, and he answered whatever questions you brought to your mind. You actually cried: for the first time, you could have a long conversation without all the effort.

Edward was shocked by how well you took everything, but he could read from your mind that amid all of the weirdness of his life, his gift was truly a gift to you.

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okay but

why can I see Emmett getting super into the Shane Dawson documentaries and deciding to do some of his own on the Cullen family like

“And here we have Edward Cullen, who likes to portray himself as a mysterious, worldly dude when in actuality many believe him to simply be a moody emo little bitch boy-“

*camera cracks, screen goes dark*

Every attempt Emmett makes after that ends up with his phone or camera getting smashed to pieces.

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