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May Parker loved Peter Parker more than anything.

May loved Peter, and for that reason, she cornered him in the bathroom one morning after catching sight of his latest battle scars. “Peter Benjamin Parker, you listen here and listen well. Whenever you go on these missions with Tony and Stephen, you let them take the lead. If something…bad ever happens-”

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182 notes · See All

Peter: Could you portal me to school? I’m already late.

Stephen: I can’t do that, kid.

Peter: But you’re a wizard!

Stephen: Oh, I’m a what now?

Peter: Uh, I mean… master of the mystic arts.

Stephen: No take backs, go put a coin in the “wizard” jar.

469 notes · See All
Tony, singing to himself: I want to see my little boy
Thor: [grabs Peter and yeets him across the room] here he comes
Stephen: THOR NO
Tony, still singing: I want to see my little boy
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Stephen: [to Peter] If you're ever annoying, I'll seduce your dad, marry him, and be your stepdad and I'll disable the internet every night at seven pm, don't fucking try me.
Peter: If you disable the internet, how will you use it?
Stephen: I don't need wifi when I'm riding your dad's dick.
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Stephen: Since you won’t be able to contact me for a month, I’ve left a complimentary bowl of advice.

Stephen: For example, “Peter, stop doing that!” just applies to everything.

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Peter: Ok, could be worse.
Tony: How? How could this be worse?
Peter: Well, you could accidentally get your head caught in a helicopter door that flies you out over the ocean, where it drops you straight into a pod of ravenous orca that rip you apart, leaving nothing but your bones for the hungry crabs in the inky depths at the bottom of the ocean!
Tony: Wow! I mean...
Stephen: Yeah, I'm... I'm not sure how to respond to that.
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Peter, via text: Mr. Stark built a flamethrower.
Stephen: Oh my God.
Peter: You should probably get here.
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Peter: it didn’t hurt that badly. the doctor said all my bleeding was internal. that’s where the blood’s supposed to be.

Stephen: [longest, deepest sigh recorded by mankind]

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Peter: You’re so annoying. You never appreciate my genius.

Stephen: I’m not saying I don’t admire your attempt, I’m saying that sadly, the BLT sandwich was already a thing and you didn’t invent it.

Peter: First of all, it’s called the Toasted ToBaTtuce,

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Stephen: right after dinner, you have to take a shower and then get in your pajamas.

Peter: can i take a shower in my pajamas?

Stephen: then you would be wet, your pajamas would be wet and your entire bed would be wet.

Peter: but if everything’s wet, is anything really wet


Peter: like when you’re totally underwater… you’re not really wet



Stephen: [sighs, fucking desperate, cupping his face with his hands] yes you ARE.

84 notes · See All
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