#druid of the coast | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nerdythebard · 1 year

Text

#56: Malenia, Blade of Miquella [Elden Ring]

[Art Credit: Aleksandra Skiba on ArtStation] ---

What's her name again?

This request comes from an anonymous reader. Surely, their goal was to give some of you lovely folks violent flashbacks. It is in fact time to venture into the world of Elden Ring and yet again face Malenia, Blade of Miquella. I'll be completely honest, I do not get the appeal of Souls games, so I never bothered to look into them, but you all very well know that your wish is my command. So let's step into the arena!

Next Time: GODDAMNIT, BARBARA!

Let's see what we need to equip for this fight:

I am Malenia

Blade of Miquella

And I have never known defeat

Um... okay... whatever you say.

---

Malenia, Blade of Miquella, is a demigod, and specifically mentioned to be an Empyrean; in D&D terms, Empyreans are celestials so that will make her an Aasimar. Using the new rules from Mordenkainen's Monsters of the Multiverse, we get a +2 and a +1 to two abilities of our choice (let's get Dexterity and Constitution respectively), speed of 30 feet, Celestial Resistance to necrotic and radiant damage, 60 feet of Darkvision, the Light cantrip, and the Healing Hands ability that lets us heal a creature for [our proficiency bonus x d4] once per long rest as an Action.

Malenia, Blade of Miquella (this is the last time, I promise), is going to have the Soldier background, as we can definitely use those Athletics and Intimidation proficiencies. We also gain proficiency with one gaming set and operating land vehicles, and the Military Rank feature, which will make soldiers related to our former (remember, the concept is that D&D characters begin their new lives as adventurers) organisation recognise us, and may provide us with supplies, shelter, or help.

ABILITY SCORES

We'll start with Dexterity, as we need to be nimble with our moves and swing our weapon better than Benny Goodman. Constitution will be next, since we've never known defeat. Follow that up with Wisdom, for our Rot damage.

After that, we get Charisma - Malenia's got that intimidation skill perfected. Strength will be on the lower end, in case we need to switch weapons, and we're gonna dump Intelligence - we just need others things more.

CLASS

Level 1 - Fighter: We start with the classic, but a useful one. Fighters start with a d10 as their Hit Dice, [10 + our Constitution modifier] initial Hit Points, proficiencies in light armour, medium armour, heavy armour, shields, simple weapons, and martial weapons. Apart from her helmet and prosthetics (the latter of which you can also get, as described in Tasha's Cauldron of Everything), Malenia doesn't appear to use any armour, so we'll skip that for now, and grab her a rapier; it's not exactly a katana, but it's the best finesse weapon we can get for now.

Our saving throws are Strength and Constitution, and we get to pick two class skills from the list (Acrobatics and Perception).

Fighters get to pick their Fighting Style. You could consider picking Blind Fighting since Malenia has no eyes and doing so would make you aware of everything within 10 feet of you, but in this case we need to deal damage and a lot of it; we're going with Dueling. When we're wielding a melee weapon in one hand and no other weapon, we get a +2 to damage rolls.

Fighters also get to tap into Second Wind. As a bonus action, we can regain [1d10 + our Fighter level] once per short or long rest.

Level 2 - Fighter: With Action Surge we can now take one additional Action on our turn once per short or long rest.

Level 3 - Fighter: We choose our first subclass, our Martial Archetype. Malenia uses a long katana/odachi, but because her spirit is essentially unbreakable (and she's never known defeat), we're gonna go with the Samurai archetype. We get a bonus proficiency in one skill from the list (Insight) and we gain Fighting Spirit; as a Bonus Action, we can give ourselves an advantage on weapon attack rolls until the end of our turn and gain 5 Temporary Hit Points. We can use this ability three times per long rest.

We also gain a racial ability - Celestial Revelation. We get to choose a form to transform into for 1 minute as a bonus action (once per long rest). To keep with Malenia's Rot theme, we're gonna get the Necrotic Shroud; creatures within 10 feet of us who can see us must make a Charisma saving throw or become frightened of us until the end of our next turn. Additionally, once per turn we can deal extra [our proficiency bonus] necrotic damage to a single target when making a weapon attack or cast a spell.

Level 4 - Monk: Let's jump classes for some faster and more nimble slashes. Multiclassing into Monk gives us proficiency with stuff we already know, so instead we jump straight into Unarmed Defense. While wearing no armour or shield, our AC becomes [10 + our Dexterity modifier + our Wisdom modifier]. We also learn Martial Arts. When benefitting from Unarmed Defense and using our bare hands or a monk weapon (which the rapier qualifies as), we gain the following benefits:

We can use Dexterity instead of Strength for attack and damage rolls of our unarmed and monk weapon strikes.

We can use a 1d4 instead of the dice used for our unarmed strikes and monk weapon attacks (the value changes as we level up).

When we use our Attack action to do an unarmed strike or a monk weapon attack, we can use our Bonus Action to make an unarmed strike.

Level 5 - Monk: We gain access to the Monk's resource - the Ki energy. We start with a pool of Ki Points (that we recover when we finish a short or long rest), which we can spend to achieve the following effects:

Flurry of Blows: Immediately after making an Attack, we can spend 1 Ki point to make two unarmed strikes as a bonus action.

Patient Defense: Spending 1 Ki point lets us take the Dodge action as a bonus action.

Step of the Wind: Spending 1 Ki point lets us take the Dash or Disengage actions as bonus actions, and doubles our jump distance for the turn.

We also gain Unarmoured Movement. When not wearing armour or using a shield, our speed increases by 10 feet.

Level 6 - Monk: Here, we learn how to Deflect Missiles. Whenever we're a target of a ranged weapon attack, we can use our Reaction to attempt to reduce the damage by [1d10 + our Dexterity modifier + our Monk level]; if the result reduces the damage to 0, we catch the projectile and can use the same Reaction to throw the projectile (range 20/60) and make an attack.

We get to pick our second subclass, our Monastic Tradition. To get better with our only weapon, we're gonna choose Way of the Kensei. We can now make our rapier a kensei weapon, which will give it extra bonuses. We gain proficiency with either caligrapher's supplies or painter's supplies (choose either), and with Agile Parry, if we make an unarmed strike as part of our Attack, we can gain a +2 to our AC by using our weapon to defend ourselves. We also gain Kensei's Shot, but since we're not using ranged weapons, we'll skip that one.

Level 7 - Monk: Finally, we get our first Ability Score Improvement. We're gonna boost our Dexterity and Constitution, as it will be useful in the next level. Here, we also gain Slow Fall, which helps us when falling, reducing fall damage by [our Monk level x5]. I would also ask your DM if you can take the optional feature Quickened Healing from Tasha's (since we didn't get anything when multiclassing), which lets you spend 2 Ki Points to roll a Martial Arts die and heal the rolled number of Hit Points.

Level 8 - Druid: Time to make some things rot. Multiclassing into Druid once again gives us proficiencies we already have, so we'll jump straight into Spellcasting. Wisdom is our casting ability and we know cantrips and rituals. Druids have access to their full spell list, and they can prepare [our Wisdom modifier + our Druid level] spells each day. We start by choosing two cantrips (Infestation and Resistance) and two 1st-level spells (Jump and Longstrider). We also learn Druidic, a language unique to the druids.

Level 9 - Druid: Although druids gain their signature ability, Wild Shape here, we will not focus on that in this build (we will be using the resource for something else), so allow me to skip straight into picking our third subclass - our Druid Circle. There is absolutely no question here, we're picking Circle of Spores.

From the circle conntected to rot and decay, we pick up our first feature: Halo of Spores. We're surrounded by an invisible aura of spores and bacteria, which we can unleash onto a target. Whenever a creature moves into a space within 10 feet of us (or starts its turn there), we can use our Reaction to deal 1d4 necrotic damage (unless the target makes a Constitution saving throw) which increases as we level up (1d6 at lv. 6, 1d8 at lv. 10, and 1d10 at lv. 14).

We can also channel magic into our own spores to create a Symbiotic Entity. By sacrificing one usage of our Wild Shape, we can awaken the spores on our body and gain [4 Temporary Hit Points per Druid level], as well as the following benefits (which last for 10 minutes or until we lose the THP or until we use Wild Shape again):

When we deal damage from our Halo of Spores, we roll the damage die a second time and add it to our attack

Our melee weapon deals extra 1d6 necrotic damage to any target we hit

We can also get another spell; let's grab Protection from Evil and Good.

Level 10 - Druid: Halfway through the build and we don't unlock anything class-related, only 2nd-level spells. Enhance Ability may aid us in case of saving throws for abilities we do not excel at, and we pick up two spells from our subclass: Blindness/Deafness and Gentle Repose.

Level 11 - Druid: Time for another ASI. Putting two points into Dexterity, we now max our primary damage-dealing and evasive ability. We also collect one more 2nd-level spell, Wither and Bloom, and one more cantrip - Primal Savagery.

Level 12 - Druid: Once again, we do not unlock any class features but we get 3rd-level spells. Let's grab Plant Growth, and get Animate Dead and Gaseous Form from our subclass.

Level 13 - Druid: We get our second subclass feature - Fungal Infestation. We can now spread our spores to a recently killed person or beast. If a Small or Medium creature dies within 10 feet of us, we can use our Reaction to animate it for 1 hour (or until defeated or dismissed) with 1 Hit Point. We can use this feature a number of times equal to our Wisdom modifier per long rest. The Cleanrot knights will now serve us!

Level 14 - Monk: Time to get more sword strikes to our build. We get Extra Attack - we can now attack twice, instead of one time, during a single Attack action (plus unarmed strikes as a Bonus Action). We also get Stunning Strike; when we hit a target with our melee weapon attack, we can spend 1 Ki Point to attempt to stun the target. The target has to make a Constitution saving throw or be stunned until the end of our next turn. Additionally, our Martial Arts die becomes 1d6.

Level 15 - Monk: Our Unarmoured Movement bonus is now +15 feet. At this level, we can now deal extra Punchables™ with Ki-Empowered Strikes; our unarmed attacks now count as magical for the purpose of overcoming resistances and immunities. From our subclass, we gain One with the Blade, which gives us the following benefits:

Magic Kensei Weapons: Our kensei weapon attacks now count as magical for the purpose of overcoming resistances and immunities.

Deft Strike: When we hit the target with our kensei weapon, we can spend 1 Ki Point to add extra damage to our weapon equal to our Martial Arts die. We can only do so once per turn.

Level 16 - Monk: At this level, we get two really useful abilities to avoid harm. Evasion allows us to take no damage when failing a Dexterity saving throw would make us take half damage (and half damage if we'd normally take full damage). With Stillness of Mind, we can use our Action to shake off one charmed or frightened effect.

Level 17 - Monk: Time for another ASI. Let's put one point into Wisdom and one into Constitution.

Level 18 - Monk: We gain Unarmoured Movement Improvement. We can now effortlessly move across vertifcal surfaces and liquids without sacrificing any loss of movement.

Our Unarmoured Movement bonus is now +20 feet. With Purity of Body we are now sure that the Rot or any of its strains will touch us, as we're immune to poison and disease.

Level 19 - Monk: For the final ASI, we'll put one point into Constitution and leave the last one into Intelligence.

Level 20 - Monk: Our capstone is Monk 12, which gives us our final subclass upgrade: Sharpen the Blade. We can now imbue our weapon with Ki, spending up to 3 points to increase the weapon's attack force, damage, or both for 1 minute. Our Martial Arts die also changes into 1d8.

---

And that's Malenia, Blade of Miquella, who has never known defeat! (I had to squeeze that last one in!). Let's see what we have here:

First of all, we have a lot of ways to deal damage, depending whether we with to attack with our weapon, our unarmed stikes, or our Rot powers. We have also several ways of sustaining ourselves, whether by gaining Temporary Hit Points, healing with Second Wind, or casting a spell.

Our AC is 17 (+2 if we use Agile Parry), we have 50 feet of movement, a +5 to our initiative, and the average of 163 Hit Points.

This build is also difficult to maintain because of a triple multiclass, which means a lot of resource management: Ki Points, Wild Shape, Spell Slots, Martial Arts die... plus, the many options of attacking and several versions of managing your Action, Bonus Action, and Reaction moveset, this may cause some confusion.

---

Ho boy, that was something. It seems to be a satisfying build, but I also feel like I've spent a bit too much on it. I also had to reschedule the next build, but I'll explain why later. If you want to, I'll also provide commentary on the few controversies with Wizards of the Coast and D&D situation, but all in due time.

Remember that I love you and wish you all a good day or night!

-Nerdy out!

#dnd #character building #dnd build #dnd character #dnd5e #wizards of the coast #elden ring #elden ring malenia #i am malenia #malenia goddess of rot #malenia blade of miquella #fighter #kensei monk #druid #d&d druid #circle of spores

60 notes · View notes

thebibliomancer · 1 year

Text

Essential Avengers: Avengers Annual #16: The Day DEATH Died!

October, 1987

Fifteen Avengers battle the warriors of DEATH!

Being superheroes sometimes means you have to fight a bunch of dead dudes to save the universe. NBD. Except its a very big deal due to the aforementioned fate of the universe.

Is that fucking Norman Green Goblin Osborn in the mix? How is him being a warrior of the DEAD going to gel with him actually founding a cult in Europe those years he was assumed dead?

I’m counting the “fifteen Avengers” and for one thing, we’re definitely honorary-ing Silver Surfer and Moon Knight to get a round number, huh? BUT ALSO, Tigra is the one actual Avenger who doesn’t get on the cover. Oof, no respect.

Last time on West Coast Avengers Annual #2: the East and West Coast Avengers are having their annual baseball game when the East Coast Avengers drop dead. The West Coast Avengers go to the Collector on Silver Surfer’s advice and on the Collector’s advice chug poison. This lets them find the East Coast Avengers in Death’s domain. Then the two teams fight because the Grandmaster and the Collector told them conflicting stories.

BUT TWAS ALL A RUSE. The West Coast Avengers winning the fight... uh... well, something is going on and Grandmaster has taken Death prisoner and says the universe is his.

More explanation, please.

The two teams of Avengers don’t wait for an explanation. On Captain America’s command, they all rush forward and try to attack the Grandmaster.

Thor claims that even an Elder like the Grandmaster can’t stop them all but he effortlessly brushes them aside, explaining that he has absorbed Death’s power.

Oh. That’s not good.

What is good is that as a villain, he feels compelled to exposit what happened.

IT ALL BEGAN when Korvac murdered the Collector so he wouldn’t narc on him to the Avengers.

For all their other foibles, the Elders of the Universe are a pretty loyal lot to each other so Grandmaster set about finding a way to bring the Collector back to life. Eventually, he settled on a wager with death - the Contest of Champions.

And the Contest of Champions was such a spectacle that it gave him an idea. An awful idea. A wonderful awful idea.

Step one was to throw the Contest of Champions wager so that the Collector was brought back to life but Grandmaster’s life was forfeit.

Step two was to just hang around Death’s realm, studying her.

Um. Do dead people just get to hang around peeping on the big boss? Is that really how death and Death work in the Marvel universe?

Anyway, step three was to contact the Collector on the downlow to set up his plan.

Step four was that the Collector is the one who killed the East Coast Avengers and dunked them into Death’s realm. And when he helped the West Coast Avengers kill themselves so they could go to Death’s realm, the intentionally conflicting stories each Elder told an Avengers team guaranteed they’d fight.

And a big, exciting happening right on her front door drew Death’s attention and while she was spectating, Grandmaster seized her. Which is something he can do. Shut up, yes he can.

Anyway.

Death earned some respect back from me. Its not great that such a simple plan hoodwinked her power from her. But at least she didn’t gamble her power on a superhero slap fight.

But with his greatest game won, Grandmaster has decided he’s bored of this universe. What’s left to challenge him? Nothing, that’s what.

Grandmaster: “I belong to a race of beings which first gained sentience in the wake of the Big Bang -- the cataclysmic event which began this universe! For countless eons, I have watched the game of life played out on an infinite number of worlds! I am bored, and desire a new game! Behold the life-bombs I have created with the power of death! Scattered to the five most distant corners of the universe, they will start a massive chain reaction which will result in -- A NEW BIG BANG!! Think of it! The universe will begin over anew! We’ll have a new game of life to play -- one designed by me!”

Hey!

I don’t think the universe has five corners or corners at all!

Also, hey! That would kill literally everyone!

Captain America doesn’t like this one bit. And a straightforward assault having failed, he instead challenges Grandmaster to a game! A sporting chance!

Luckily, Grandmaster prepared such a challenge ahead of time.

Oh no, its Swordsman, Nighthawk, Skurge the Executioner, Terrax the Tamer, Hyperion, Green Goblin, Korvac, Death Adder, DRACULA, Bucky Barnes, Black Knight I, Captain Marvel I, Baron Blood, Drax the Destroyer, and Red Guardian!

Several of these people turn out to not actually be dead but that kinda thing always happens whenever someone uses a bunch of dead characters as a team to fight a superhero team.

And there’s a handwave for it later.

Anyway. The game is this.

Grandmaster will transport some Avengers (+ guests) and some of the Legion of the Unliving to the location of one of his life-bombs.

Team Avengers will try to destroy the bomb before it goes off, Team Legion will protect the bomb and try to kill the Avengers.

But Grandmaster tells Death he’s actually stacking the deck.

Grandmaster: “This should prove very interesting -- even though the Avengers are destined to lose! In the past, my fascination with skill and chance has often affected my judgement and overwhelmed my desire for victory -- but not this time! I will not allow my love for the game to interfere with my ultimate goal! I am determined to win this contest at any cost -- to seize the greatest prize of all -- THE UNIVERSE ITSELF!!”

Holding unfair games? You really are a villain, Grandmaster!

MATCH ONE: Hawkeye, Thor, and Doctor Pym VS Swordsman, Skurge the Executioner, and Nighthawk!

Hah, wow. Swordsman was Hawkeye’s teacher, Skruge was a fellow Asgardian and died for Thor, and Nighthawk is... some guy? Hank got the short end of the stick here in matchups.

Also, the Grandmaster put the first life-bomb in Hades. Literally sent these three Avengers to hell.

... Is Hades/Hell part of the universe? I mean, it would have to be since the universe is all the everything. But usually its treated like a separate dimension. But I guess you can have a lot of dimensions that all make up the 616 universe. I guess?

I also like Dead Swordsman calling the Avengers a “stupid team.” Sounds like sour grapes coming from a dead guy who once begged to join.

Nighthawk makes the first move, jetpacking at Dr Pym, yelling about what a lousy superhero he is not having powers or a costume.

Dr Pym responds by pulling a gas grenade launcher out of his pants and blasting Nighthawk with it.

The ability to pull whatever tool you need right out of hammerspace IS a cool superpower, no matter what that Nighthawk chump says.

Thor squares off to fight Skurge. But less fight and more attempt to talk with. Because Skurge recently sacrificed his life for Thor and Thor feels weird about having to fight him, even if its for the sake of the universe.

Skurge cheap shots Thor and mocks his hesitance.

Skurge: “’Tis a pity that honor paralyzes you! I have no such weakness -- no honor -- no loyalty -- nothing -- save a savage desire to crush you -- to make you pay for having caused my death!”

Meanwhile, Hawkeye fights Swordsman.

He doesn’t have a problem with the concept even though he has a personal connection to this dead man. Its just the dick keeps cutting his arrows out of the air with his sword.

(Also to note, despite She-Hulk destroying Hawkeye’s bow and quiver last issue, he has it back now. Mighty kind of the Grandmaster to replace it for him?)

As the heroes are all stymied by their opponents, the life-bomb starts glowing, getting ready to explode.

Dr Pym is pinned down by Nighthawk firing wing lasers at him. That is, lasers that come from the tips of his wing-like cape.

Pym enlarges a shield and bounces some lasers back, destroying Nighthawk’s wings but the lasers also cause a cave-in.

Dr Pym enlarges a brace (because he really does have everything) to hold up the roof but Nighthawk breaks a stalagmite and uses it to impale Hank while he’s distracted.

The collapsing roof collapses, burying both Nighthawk and Dr Pym, but Nighthawk accepts this since he’s already dead.

Oof.

Well. One hero and one opponent out of the fight.

Meanwhile, Thor realizes from Skurge being a big ol’ dick that this isn’t the Skurge that sacrificed himself for Thor.

Thor: “You are not the god I once knew! For all his faults, the Executioner was a man of honor! A warrior-born! You are only a nameless shade in his guise! A grim phantom conjured up to torment me -- and I shall suffer you no more!!”

And once Thor starts trying, he knocks out Skurge in the very same panel.

Meanwhile, Hawkeye knocks out Swordsman. Now that he has Swordsman knocking every fired out of the air, it was simple to sucker him with an arrow that electrifies when struck.

But the delay in beating their opponents, the bomb is about to go off. And neither Thor nor Hawkeye can defuse it in time. Thor fears the universe is doomed unless --

Unless he swings his hammer REALLY fast. It solves a lot of problems. But in this case it solves the problem by creating a vortex that surrounds the bomb and Thor. The bomb does go off and eradicates Thor but the universe is saved.

Hawkeye takes a second to realize that Thor disappeared in the contained blast. And then realizes Dr Pym is gone too.

His two companions are dead.

SCENE CHANGE!

Wow, these groups are not evenly broken up at all.

Group 1 was three people. Group 2 is four: Captain Marvel, She-Hulk, Moon Knight, and Tigra. Cool that its two from the East Coast Avengers and two from the West Coast Avengers though.

Captain Marvel doesn’t waste any time, she immediately nyooms toward the bomb to see if she can figure out how to defuse it. But the Grandmaster handpicked suitable opponents to stymie the Avengers and guests. And unfortunately, despite Captain Marvel’s usual difficulty to harm in light form, the Grandmaster selected Captain Marvel (Mar-Vell) and Drax the Destroyer to oppose this group.

Drax claims that he and Mar-Vell both have the ability to absorb energy. That’s true for Mar-Vell but I’m not seeing anything about that for Drax. He might be just making shit up.

I guess even if its just Mar-Vell absorbing energy out of Monica, it’d be bad enough.

She-Hulk throws a tree and interrupts Drax and Mar-Vell’s attack on Captain Marvel.

Drax immediately comes after She-Hulk but she knocks him away.

Green Goblin shows up as opponent number 3 and starts attacking Moon Knight. He gloats that though Moon Knight is fast, Green Goblin tangles with an even faster opponent. But as Moon Knight points out as he decks Green Goblin in the jaw, Green Goblin lost to said opponent.

(Dunno how Moon Knight knows that.)

While Tigra tries to decide which of her friends and acquaintances to help, opponent number 4 shows up. Death Adder pops out of the lake and drags her underwater. Just one slash from his claws and she’ll be lethally poisoned! Also, she’s underwater! She may have cured her cat soul problems but this is still a less than ideal situation!

Captain Mar-Vell flies around trying to blast Captain Marvel with his photon blasts. Wait, she can absorb those. Why is she dodging? Dammit, Monica! Drax lied that he can absorb energy and you forgot that you actually can do it! You did it last issue!

Anyway, Captain Mar-Vell berates her for resisting the inevitable so hard.

Captain Mar-Vell: “The universe is doomed! You have about as much chance of saving it as you do of avoiding my photon blasts!”

Captain Marvel: “Wise up, mister mouth! Avengers don’t quit! We never give up -- no matter what the odds!”

Drax has been getting his shit kicked in by She-Hulk but he channels the Drax the Destroyer single-minded obsessiveness (aimed at She-Hulk instead of Thanos due to Grandmaster) and shatters her spine with a surprise attack while She-Hulk is distracted looking at Tigra’s plight.

Meanwhile, Moon Knight is having a bad time. Even though he can go toe to toe with Green Goblin, Grandmaster didn’t replace all of Moon Knight’s gear like he did for Hawkeye. So Green Goblin is able to keep out of reach and bombard Moon Knight with his own goblin gear.

Moon Knight dodges the pumpkin bombs but isn’t so lucky when Green Goblin throws a gas grenade full of hallucinogenic gas. Overwhelmed by grotesque imagery, Moon Knight can’t dodge when Green Goblin blasts him with his finger sparkle gun.

Green Goblin: “Is something troubling my friend? Don’t despair! The Green Goblin can put an end to all your worries -- for all time!!”

Dick.

Meanwhile also, Tigra manages to break away from Death Adder and get out of the lake. She climbs a tree and baits Death Adder to follow her. When he does, she suddenly wheels around and slashes him, figuring either the disembowelment geez! will kill him or falling from the tree will. But Death Adder lashes out with his tail and the toxin on his spines paralyzes Tigra and she falls to the ground too.

Captain Marvel manages to dodge Mar-Vell long enough to reach the bomb. She has to use the rest of her strength but she busts the force bubble around it and then safely detonates the bomb.

Hooray!

Except...

Lying broken on the ground, She-Hulk and Tigra die, a mere inch from holding hands. Moon Knight is dead nearby. And since three of the opponents weren’t beaten, they all gang up and kill Captain Marvel.

Because the match doesn’t end until one side is completely out of action, even if the bomb is stopped.

Geez.

What a PG bloodbath.

So we go from a group of three to a group of four to just one dude?

How are you deciding these divisions, Grandmaster?

Location three for the Grandmaster’s life-bomb is just the middle of space. Luckily, the Silver Surfer is well-equipped to nyoom to the bomb. Unfortunately, the Surfer’s chosen opponent is Korvac. And with his vast cosmic power, he has surrounded the life-bomb with an invisible barrier.

Korvac is also still in his casual phase so he’s kicking back in a recliner, with a drink, in his sitting around clothes while he tries to help destroy the universe.

Korvac: “I am Michael Korvac. There was a time when my name was known and feared throughout the entire universe. You see, I possess the power cosmic on a scale far greater than even you can imagine. Let’s be civilized, shall we? Since there’s no possible way for you to defeat me, we might as well enjoy a drink together while the universe goes bye-bye. What’s the matter? Don’t you care for champagne? Maybe you’d prefer a nice hot -- COSMIC BOLT!”

Silver Surfer no-sells a bolt that could destroy a world because he “has basked in the glow of a thousand suns!”

You’d think that Korvac would know that, considering the origin of his cosmic contender powers were from draining the computers from Galactus’ ship.

But then again, we’ve established that the people Grandmaster summons to fight for him aren’t quite the actual people they were.

Real deal or no, Korvac doesn’t fuck around. He magnetizes Silver Surfer and lets him be crushed by enough meteors to form a small planet.

Silver Surfer manages to bust free with his own POWER COSMIC. A stray rock knocks Korvac on his ass and distracts him long enough that Silver Surfer also manages to break the barrier around the life-bomb.

Korvac intercepts Silver Surfer as he’s making another pass to destroy the bomb and melts off Silver Surfer’s silver protective coating, killing him as unprotected his body can’t survive space travel.

But Norrin Radd’s last act is to aim his board so that it slams into the bomb, destroying it and killing both Norrin Radd and Michael Korvac.

Grandmaster snarks that he’ll call that match a draw. And then gloats to Death that he’s already arranged things so that the heroes have “virtually” no chance to win.

And we’re back to big groups!

Iron Man! Mockingbird! Black Knight! Doctor Druid!

Again, two East Coast Avengers and two West Coast Avengers.

Also, kind of a team made up of fuck-ups. In later years, Black Knight learns that his sword is powered by how much of a fuck-up he is. Its a truly cursed sword.

The location this round is the ruins of an alien civilization. Unlike the previous rounds, the bomb isn’t immediately obvious so Iron Man proposes Lets Split Up Gang So We Can Cover More Ground.

Nobody realizing that this is how you die in a horror movie, they all agree.

But this apparently is a horror movie because Dr Druid gets attacked by ACTUALLY DRACULA moments later.

I guess that’s his chosen opponent.

Mockingbird meets her opponent not long after: the Red Guardian.

She immediately starts destroying his self-esteem.

Red Guardian: “Mockingbird, I am truly disappointed that you are the one I must face! The Red Guardian would have preferred a greater challenge!”

Mockingbird: “Why? Do you like being dead? Considering your current state, I can only assume that you blew it the last time you were in a real fight? A lot of men are like that -- they just can’t deliver when the pressure’s on!”

Red Guardian: “SHUT UP!”

Mockingbird: “The truth hurts doesn’t it, Mr. Macho?”

Iron Man also meets his opponent: Terrax the Tamer. He has control of rock and earth and is an ex-herald of Galactus. That’s not a great level of power to have to tangle with.

Speaking of tangle, Terrax wastes no time in tangling Iron Man up in a stream of debris to hold him in place long enough to throw a chunk of rock the size of Manhattan at him.

Iron Man has no time to block it and repulsors won’t be enough, so Iron Man rockets straight into it, destroying the rock.

Huh. This is one of the feats used by Death Battle to figure out how strong Iron Man is. Fun to see the feat in the wild, just like its fun to see memes in their original context.

Black Knight hears a rock the size of Manhattan exploding and reasonably assumes the world is ending. But his opponent shows up and tells him never to mind, its time to swordfight.

And his opponent is... the original Black Knight.

Sir Percy: “I am Sir Percy of Scandia -- the rightful wielder of the Ebony Blade, and a knight of the Round Table of King Arthur Pendragon!”

Black Knight: “You’re also the original Black Knight, and my former teacher! But, what are you doing here?”

Sir Percy: “Though my spirit once served as your mentor, and instructed you in the arts of combat, the Grandmaster has sent me here to challenge you... to the death!”

Black Knight: “No! I won’t fight you! I can’t -- !”

Sir Percy: “Then you shall die!”

Dr Druid’s fight with Dracula goes badly. Dracula can just turn to mist and be entirely unphased by any of Dr Druid’s martial arts. So Druid instead decides to try to use his MIND POWERS to win a battle of wills with Dracula.

Dracula is incredibly amused by this and agrees that a battle of wills is what they’ll be doing.

Meanwhile, the two Black Knights are stalemated in perfectly symmetrical violence with identical super cursed swords.

Also meanwhile, Mockingbird finishes mocking Red Guardian so thoroughly that he makes a careless mistake and she bonks him unconscious upside the head.

Mockingbird: “His biggest mistake was listening to the Mockingbird.”

Also also meanwhile meanwhile, Iron Man could shatter a rock the size of Manhattan by flying at it but the attempt badly drained his armor’s energy. So he pulls off a desperate hail mary gamble to beat Terrax.

Next time Terrax blasts energy at Iron Man, he absorbs it instead of dodging and fires it back at Terrax.

It works and knocks Terrax out of the fight but it destroys Iron Man’s armor.

Mockingbird finds the life-bomb and brings Tony over. Its complicated but with his mighty Tony brains, he starts figuring out how to defuse it.

Unfortunately. The dominoes fall.

Dr Druid loses his battle of wills against Dracula. The vampire breaks Druid’s neck and moves on to where Mockingbird and Tony are trying to defuse the bomb.

When Mockingbird sees Dracula, she lies to Tony that nothing is happening to get him to stay focused on the bomb. But her screams as she’s murdered by Dracula distract Tony during those last crucial seconds.

Boom.

One-fifth of the universe is suddenly gone.

A fact that Grandmaster glorifies in to the captive Death.

Grandmaster: “Fascinating! A full fifth of the universe has suddenly ceased to exist! So many galaxies... so many inhabited worlds... erased in an instant! In its own way, I find such devastation to be... startlingly beautiful! Can you feel it, my friend? The entire cosmos ripples with terror! The end is near! The end of all life -- and death!”

Oof.

I’m almost certain there’s going to be a reset button. Not so much for one-fifth of the universe being wiped out as all these characters. Pretty sure Tony Stark Iron Man has a lot more comics to be in.

But still. Feels bad to see a big fraction of the universe and Tony Stark Iron Man blow up because of Draculas.

Well. There’s one more fifth of the universe to protect from a bomb.

Captain America, the Wasp, and Wonder Man (so two East Coast Avengers and only one West Coast Avenger, to make up for when the first match had two West Coast and only one East Coast Avengers) appear in a frozen hellscape.

Unlike the previous round, the bomb is in plain sight. The heroes just have to get past Nazi vampire Baron Blood, Hyperion the Not-Superman, and GODDAM BUCKY BARNES to get to the bomb.

Bucky Barnes: “How’s it going, Cap? Kill any partners lately?”

God damn, shade or whatever of Bucky. Are you the real Nazi vampire in this group? Because you just went right for the throat.

Wasp winds up facing Baron Blood. He’s too tough for her Wasp stings. Despite her Wasp stings being powerful enough to knock down a small house. Well, maybe Wasp is dealing with a handicap. She says that its so cold she can barely move.

Anyway, like many times Wasp fights a dude too tough, she just finds a way to attack where he’s softer. In this case by flying into his ears and blasting his sensitive ear drums.

Damn, Wasp.

And Wonder Man winds up fighting Hyperion. They’re both the powerhouses. Although, Wonder Man’s last fight with a caped really tough guy didn’t go so well.

After an exchange of punching, Hyperion manages to belt Wonder Man twenty miles away. Wonder Man is surprised to learn that he can be hurt so badly anymore. One of his arms is broken. As are most of his ribs. But fate of the universe, et cetera, so he uses his last arm to fling giant chunks of ice at Hyperion. Who easily blasts them with his ATOMIC VISION.

Thiiiiis isn’t going well.

Captain America jumps in to help Wasp against Baron Blood so she suggests a CHANGE PARTNERS. Cap is having trouble fighting Bucky due to history and grief and whatever so Wasp will fight him.

It turns out to be a mistake.

Bucky takes advantage of how the cold is slowing her to flip behind her and crush her tiny body with a punch.

They nerfed her and then they killed her. Where is the justice for Wasp?

Cap sees this but can’t spare a moment because Baron Blood is still on his ass. But Cap is a master of judo. When Baron Blood latches onto Cap to try to drink him, Cap is able to use his better footing to flip Baron Blood.

And since he’s treated as defeated by this and since he screams and since there’s a conveniently positioned sharp spike of ice in the panel, yeah, I’m pretty sure Cap flipped him onto a spike of ice. In essence, staking him.

Meanwhile, Hyperion is tired of Wonder Man throwing rocks at him.

So he decides to kill him. Wait, not just kill him. Overkill him.

He tackles Wonder Man THROUGH THE ENTIRE PLANET and then INTO THE NEARBY STAR.

Yeah. I don’t care if he’s ionic energy now. That guy is dead. Super dead.

And do we even need the Sentry if Hyperion is going to throw people in to the Sun? That’s basically the only thing Sentry brought to the table. Just sayin’.

So everything is down to Captain America and Bucky. Bucky stands between Cap and the life-bomb which has just started glowing to explode.

Captain America: “You used to be like a son to me, Bucky. I loved you. I have always loved you! But I won’t let my personal feelings for you stop me from doing my duty! Too much is at stake! Too many lives are counting on me! I cannot fail!! Please forgive me... son.”

And Captain America launches a no-holds-barred beatdown on Bucky. Bucky doesn’t even get a chance to react before Cap leaves him facedown in the snow.

So let that be a lesson. Captain America will definitely beat up a dead child to save a fifth of the universe. Even if he feels immense personal guilt for that specific child’s apparent death.

With nothing standing in his way, Cap smashes the bomb with his shield.

Huh. Luckily that’s all it took. Captain Marvel and Silver Surfer had to put a lot of effort into getting through the shield around the bomb. Then again. When Captain America throws his mighty shield, all who oppose his shield must yield. Yeah, he didn’t throw it this time. But its the principle of the thing.

Also, Hyperion bodyslamming Wonder Man into the star has created an immense solar flare that’s glaring brightly in the sky. Cap wonders if he stopped the bomb only to die by solar flare but he gets teleported away.

Captain America and Hawkeye find themselves back in front of the Grandmaster.

As they realize that no one else has returned with them, the Grandmaster informs them that they are the only survivors of round one.

Captain America: “Round one -- ? What do you mean round one?!”

Grandmaster: “Hmm, only need four bombs this time... Surely, Captain, you didn’t think I would allow our last game to end so quickly. No, no, no, I fully intend to keep on playing and playing -- until I win!! You will please note that the Legion of the Unliving has added -- a few new members!”

A.k.a. every Avenger (plus guest) that died is now on Grandmaster’s team.

Hawkeye flips out seeing Mockingbird (and also his other friends) dead and mind controlled onto Grandmaster’s side. He shoots a bunch of arrows at the Grandmaster, although to no effect.

Hawkeye: “You miserable, stinking -- ! You killed my wife! Murdered her!! You slaughtered my friends!! Used them all as pawns! Playthings!! Why? Why? WHY?!”

Grandmaster: “Because I make the rules... and that is how my game is played!”

Captain America slaps some sense back into Hawkeye and tells him to get his head in the game. They need to think of a way to beat Grandmaster. Because clearly playing his game until they both die isn’t the best course of action.

Sometimes slapping your friend is good actually, I guess, because Hawkeye does come up with an idea.

He pulls out his last two arrows and proposes something more interesting.

Hawkeye: “We all know how your old life-bomb game is gonna end, so why bother going through the motions? What I’m proposing is a new contest! A simple game of chance!”

Captain America: “Are you insane?!”

Grandmaster: “A game of chance? Go on...”

Hawkeye: “Choose an arrow. You get the one with the head, you win.”

Grandmaster: “Captain America is right. You are insane. Why should I risk certain victory to participate in this whimsical contest?”

Hawkeye: “Why not? You’ve devoted your entire life to playing games of skill and chance! You’ve always lived for the love of the game -- and the challenge! Just think of all that’s at stake! All that’s resting on a simple choice! A whim of fate! How can a gamesman like you resist a challenge like that?!”

Hah. Its the perfect bait. Even though Grandmaster rigged the game this time to make absolutely sure his love of games wouldn’t screw him over here... Well, the Elders of the Universe are monomaniacs. Grandmaster was probably thirsty for a stupid game like this after sitting through a rigged game.

So even though Captain America hates that they’re leaving the fate of the universe to blind luck, he concedes Hawkeye picked a good stratagem. Even if the Grandmaster wins the pick an arrow game, it may distract him enough for Cap to try to attack him.

But he doesn’t pick the right one.

Hawkeye rigged the game. When Grandmaster picked the arrow with the head, Hawkeye just snapped it off in his palm. You can even see the sound effect in that panel.

Seems only fair. A rigged game for a rigged game.

I like that the Grandmaster didn’t even agree to release Death if he lost. She just broke free because he was distracted. Kind of like how she didn’t agree to anything, he just took advantage of her distraction.

Anyway, Death is tired of all these dead people fucking up her life and ejects Hawkeye and Captain America from the afterlife.

They wind up back at the Houston Astrodome and all their friends are back to life!

Captain America decides this was Death rewarding them for stopping the Grandmaster. Which means that Grandmaster may still be out there somewhere but Mockingbird and Hawkeye tell Cap that that’s a later problem. They should unwind with some BASEBALL.

As a punchline to Cap’s astonishment with Hawkeye cheating the Grandmaster, he tells Thor to keep an eye on Hawkeye during the ball game. “He cheats!”

Hah hah!

Elsewhere, in space, Grandmaster crows that Actually He’s The Real Winner Here, If You Think About It.

Death was so pissed at him, she exiled him from her realm permanently. I.e., he’s immortal now. Uh, more immortal than he already was, which was conditional and he could die if killed.

Grandmaster: “The entire universe was within my grasp -- Everything could have been mine! The Avengers will pay for what they’ve done to me! They’ll... they’ll... What are they playing down there?! Baseball? Hmmm...”

AND THEN HE GETS DISTRACTED WATCHING THEM PLAY BASEBALL!

I love Grandmaster when he’s a wacky space guy, obsessed with every game. THere’s just so many ways you can use him. Usually its for superhero fights, as seen here. And in his first appearance. And also in JLA/Avengers.

But what if he decided to stake one of his tricky wagers on the Avengers playing baseball with each other?

I’ve said I’d love one of those stories that start with baseball to simply play a whole game through and you could use the Grandmaster making a wager with someone as an excuse for why its important enough to get to be a story.

Also, almost everyone on both Avengers teams experienced dying and seems pretty chill with it. Superheroes are weird.

ALSO ALSO, wait did we just leave La Espirita in space with the Collector?

Follow @essential-avengers because its good times. Do you see this good times? So good. Like and reblog too, please. It motivates me.

10 notes · View notes