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#emotional abuse

Damn my sister be crying her eyes out all day in pain because of her broken foot and my dad has the nerve to say it’s her fault and imply she’s a financial burden and that because of this he has it worse than her.

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i’m so empty and there is so much going around me. I type with my eyes cloudy and i can’t identify the feeling i have other than heavy dense fog. i’m a mistake and i have never done right. i’m ungrateful and my fate is to take the words they give me. the cold sharp knives of their tones is my punishment now. They no longer hit me. It’s all about getting into my head and ensuring no freedom is unsupervised by your judgement and my guilt.

i want to die. i feel no use in continuing to breathe.

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…sometimes spite is the powerful tool you need to get over difficulties in your life.

Negative emotions are what hinders you, but negative depends on the situation.
No emotion is bad on its own, it depends on the circumstances.

Anger, hate..these may not be something you should cultivate every second of your day, but as a sudden burst of strength, these are rather useful.

Your hate is useful, your anger protects you when you aknowledge them,  and treat them well.

I live because I am angry at the bad things happening in the world.
I live to spite the people who would profit from my death.
I live because I hate the thought of people who would  paint themselves as the real victims and use that instance to kick me in the face one last time.

And this is not only about suicidal thoughts.
It is also about chronic illness, when you wonder how long you can go on, how much your body can endure.

Spite really helps to give your mind, and also body a boost to go that path.
Fuck you, I know I was ill and I was right, it was not being dramatic or too sensitive.
I was right, suck it!

They tell me I can’t safe the world?

Well, oh so graceless, fuck them, when I kick the bucket at least I can say I died trying.

 A big fuck you to my abusers, for trying to kill me, for trying to keep me caged and bound to them.

I lived, and I broke out, and I am not the fuck coming back.


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I wanna start this out and say

I gotta get it off my chest

Got no anger, got no malice

Just a little bit of regret

Know nobody else will tell you

So there’s some things I gotta say

Gonna jot it down and then get it out

And then I’ll be on my way


No, you’re not half the man you think that you are

And you can’t fill the hole inside of you with money, drugs and cars

I’m so glad I never ever had a baby with you

‘Cause you can’t love nothin’ unless there’s somethin’ in it for you


Oh, I feel so sorry

I feel so sad

I tried to help you

It just made you mad

And I had no warnin’

About who you are

I’m just glad I made it out without breakin’ down

And then ran so fuckin’ far

That you would never ever touch me again

Won’t see your alligator tears

'Cause, no, I’ve had enough of them


Let me start this off by sayin’

I really meant well from the start

Take a broken man right in my hands

And then put back all his parts


But you’re not half the man you think that you are

And you can’t fill the hole inside of you with money, girls and cars

I’m so glad I never ever had a baby with you

'Cause you can’t love nothin’ unless there’s somethin’ in it for you


Oh, I feel so sorry (I feel so sorry)

I feel so sad (I feel so sad)

I tried to help you (I tried to help you)

It just made you mad

And I had no warnin’ (I had no warnin’)

About who you are ('bout who you)

Just glad I made it out without breakin’ down

Oh, I feel so sorry (I feel so sorry)

I feel so sad (I feel so sad)

I tried to help you (I tried to help you)

It just made you mad

And I had no warnin’ (I had no)

About who you are ('bout who you)

'Bout who you are


Hey

Hey

Hey

Hey


'Cause you’re not half the man you think that you are

And you can’t fill the hole inside of you with money, drugs and cars

I’m so glad I never ever had a baby with you

'Cause you can’t love nothin’ unless there’s somethin’ in it for you


I feel so sad

You should be sad

You should be

You should be sad

You should be

You should be

You should be


Source: LyricFind


Songwriters: Ashley Frangipane / Greg Kurstin


You Should Be Sad lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group

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This is an idea that I’ve come back to a lot over the years. As someone who went through a divorce seven years ago, I’ve thought of this often as the one piece of advice I’d give to others going through the same thing. As a survivor of abuse and childhood trauma that I am still dealing with, it’s something that I think about often even still. 

For most of my life, I thought that there was a “right way” or a “right time” to do everything. This could have to do with the fact that my mom is a very goal oriented person and so milestones and markers were always very important. It could also have to do with the fact that, just in general, I don’t like to do things wrong. Seriously, as we were taking our birthing classes last month, I was asked to express my fears to my husband and my fears are that I would give birth wrong somehow. And having a right way and a right time for everything has always helped me avoid doing things wrong… at least in my mind. But then comes healing and I fail miserably.

I am still healing from just about everything I’ve gone through in my life. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully complete the healing process. This journey that I’m on may take the whole rest of my life and I may die still not feeling completely healed from the things that I’ve gone through. And that’s okay. 

I remember after my divorce that there were people who asked me why I wasn’t over it yet, why I wasn’t ready to move on. Their questions really made me feel like I was doing it wrong, like something was wrong with me because I hadn’t healed yet. And that’s when I started to realize that healing doesn’t look the same for everyone and that you can’t put a timeframe on it. Now I’m starting to see how the same is true for other damaging experiences in my life.

You’ll hear me talk a lot about how my mom and brother and I all deal with, and attempt to heal from, my father’s abuse very differently. I sometimes get frustrated with them if they’re not healing the same way that I am and vice versa. But the truth is, it’s going to look different for each of us and it’s going to take each of us a different amount of time… all that matters is that we each ultimately end up healed. 

Please take this advice to heart, whether your story is similar to mine or not. We all have something that we need to heal from. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that you shouldn’t take all the time that you need, even if it’s been years.

KTBSPA!
-Lindsey

lindseybrunette
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23/02/2020 -

It’s unfair you know, all people my age gets to act like it. It’s carnaval, they’re thinking what block should i go? Is x friend going? Is a happy time of the year for most. But not for me (as always) i can’t leave the house so my parents don’t kill each other. I’m worried about what to do if my schoolarshio don’t work. Praying it does, if it doesn’t i’m scared i’ll kill myself. Is horrible for once i wish i could just act my age i wish i could go to a party, get drunk, laugh with friends, meet a person, go home with them, have a wild night and come back home when the sun is already up. But i never got act my age they say i’m very mature for a 22 year old o course i always had to be 10 years ahead so i could survive my house, i have to deal with marital problems even if am not married, i have to deals with finacial problems even if i don’t have a house, i had to raise myself because i know nobody else would and till this day i have to look after myself because if i don’t no one will, like my mom said she doesn’t care. That’s all is just unfair all of this

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I was now years old when I realized that every time I can’t stop myself from rehashing all the times when I was being abused, that’s an intrusive thought.

No matter where I end up, no matter the ways I remind myself that it wasn’t my fault, no matter how I reason it, I don’t really want to think about it unless I’m choosing to do that specific work. When I’m doing normal everyday activities, when I’m awake at 3am and can’t sleep, when I’m in the middle of sex, I’m not asking for those thoughts. 

But wait, there’s more!

I spent so much time processing this stuff, I thought I was obsessing over it. But obsession implies that the observer is consenting to the object of the observation. I don’t consent to these thoughts and the way they make me feel. I am often unprepared for them, I’m often just trying to mind my business, just trying to live my life, just trying to have a good time. But I’ve gotten so used to thinking about it all the time that I assumed it was my *fault* that I was running around and around in my head with this ticker tape of reruns. 

It’s not. It’s part of the abuse. 

If I can arrive at this place where I know that if I share the extent of my abuse, not everyone can handle just hearing about it, then I can also arrive at a place where I also shouldn’t have to hear about it if I’m not trying to think about it. 

These bitches come for me no matter what, but I’m saying now that I withdraw my consent to have them taking up space inside of my happy moments. 

My therapist told me a good way to deal with intrusive thoughts like these is to say, “we can think about this later. not now. it’s important, I’m important, what I’m trying to heal in this moment is important, but I don’t have to stop myself just to think about it.” A step further could be to set time aside regularly- weekly, monthly, etc- to think about these things. But when I do that, I want to set an intention at the beginning that I’m here to heal and not just continue to hurt myself by letting these thoughts run roughshod over me. 

It just keeps unraveling folks.

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Abusive parents have a way of making themselves seem reasonable, even if their actions are anything but. This is because their entire premise lies on convincing you that you are the unreasonable one, every time you bring in the voice of reason. They will repeatedly tell you that you know nothing, you ask dumb questions and your ideas are not worth voicing. They will invent crazy, exaggerating and terrifying stories about just what would happen if they listened to your sane and normal ideas. Then they say their completely insane abusive shit as if it’s the pinnacle of reason. They will go as far as make it dangerous for you to doubt them and to question their ways. They’ll call you names and humiliate you for even thinking that you might know about anything better than them.

A reasonable person wouldn’t do that. A reasonable person doesn’t put down questions. They don’t make anyone look stupid for having their own ideas and thoughts. Reasonable person doesn’t need to terrify you into accepting that they’re right, they can use facts and real arguments.

A reasonable person doesn’t sink to the level of using abuse, humiliation or putting someone down to be able pretend they’re right. They don’t need someone to be wrong. They wouldn’t even try to claim they know everything better than you, because that’s not true for any person alive.

Only abusive person would have the need to shut you down completely. Only abusive person needs to put someone down to feel intelligent and reasonable. Only in cases where a person knows they’re being unreasonable and abusive, they need to make reason and logic sound more insane.

Making a child doubt their own sense of reason is abuse. Making a child believe they shouldn’t speak up for the fear of being called insane and unreasonable, is cruel. Terrifying them with lies and stories about horrifying things that could happen if you use their own sanity, is destructive to their mind. Nobody should make you doubt yourself like that.

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When I was younger, I believed in God. I had just started primary school and it was a Catholic school. They told us that if we prayed, God would listen. So I prayed each and every night, begging for help, that someone would make the pain and abuse stop, that someone would notice and help, that someone would take me away.

Spoiler alert, nothing happened. So my child mind reasoned that I must have done something truly awful in a past life for a child to be in my situation, to have parents who hated her and enjoyed abusing her. I stopped believing in a higher power soon after.

I can’t exactly remember when I came across the quote ‘If there is a God, He will have to beg for my forgiveness.’ but it spoke to me. People can try and justify my situation and what I had to live through, still have to live through every day but I will never ever believe in a higher power, a God. Because if someone like that truly existed, then they must enjoy laughing at all the cruelty in the world, at children like us who cursed at our own existence and wished we could just disappear, just to make the pain stop, to go away. 

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