Tumgik
#exhaustion has caught up on me
Text
Trigun Thoughts Vol. 1 Pt. 2
So now that I've finished with volume 1, I just wanted to write down a couple thoughts I've had and neat things to point out so far
When I was watching Stampede, I took note of a few kind of textbook avoidant behaviours Vash engages in, and lo and behold, here he is in the manga displaying even more of them. I'll list out a few here.
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
In order, we have:
Casually asking for a time limit on the interaction (ie. "How long do I have to keep this up before I can leave?")
Attempting to lose people in a crowd
Leaving without saying anything (and as a bonus, dreading being recognized in public)
Over-indulging or over-involving oneself in social events to create a viable excuse to leave suddenly (in this case, he uses alcohol as a reason to "pass out")
Sleeping to avoid unwanted conversation
Escaping to the bathroom to get away for a bit (and also to grumble about it haha)
Playing off sincere reactions by deliberately allowing them to be misinterpreted to avoid personal questions
It's really obvious, even this early in the manga, that Vash is intentionally avoiding prolonged interaction with people, and only involving himself in situations by necessity. He doesn't like attention on himself - the only reason he intentionally draws it is to divert it away from others.
The reason for this is a bit muddy though. It does seem that Vash doesn't particularly enjoy being caught up in drama, and it is also very likely he wishes to get in and out of places as quickly as possible to avoid them getting caught up in his drama too. It may even be that he finds prolonged socializing kind of tiring; that he needs a certain amount of time to himself.
But then there's also this bit, shortly after the celebration, where he pretends to pass out.
Tumblr media
This brings in a bit of a guilt aspect to it. It likely has to do with July, or maybe it's due to something else (at this point, we can't say), but I think it's notable that Vash cuts things off shortly before they become intimate. He can play along to make others happy and to share in their joy for a bit, but the second things get too personal or focused on him, he will quietly slip away. Now this is specifically an instance of physical intimacy, but I think it'd probably hold for emotional intimacy as well, given the continuous avoidance and misdirection he does to prevent too many questions.
I made some commentary on Stampede Vash's self-punishing behaviours - specifically, the way he denies himself food. I don't want to get too into it because I don't know if everyone reading this has seen Stampede, but food is framed as something to be shared in the show - so, denying himself food is denying himself the right to share with others, which is denying himself belonging, which is denying himself any semblance of intimacy. (It means other things too, as food-sharing is associated with Rem, but I don't want to get too into it here.)
Vash in the manga doesn't seem to have the same issues with eating, but this is a similar premise - he's denying himself intimacy out of a sense of not being deserving of it.
So, then, there are probably many interwoven reasons for Vash's avoidance - he's sick of the chaos that follows him around, he doesn't want others getting hurt, he gets tired from having to "play it up" all the time, and he seems to also feel that he doesn't deserve that closeness. I'm intrigued to see how Vash's avoidance will be tackled going forward (I'm assuming it will?), and I suspect, more than there being one right reason for it, that all these reasons are actually true to an extent.
On a completely different note, this panel here is the biggest mood. I feel it in my bones.
Tumblr media
216 notes · View notes
markiafc · 6 months
Text
to fulfill my promises to @ananeiah and to expound on @seventh-fantasy's post, there are many conceptions of enlightenment. because buddhism is a massive and old religion with a very robust canon, enlightenment goes by many names, it's articulated and imagined in many different ways. let's play the game of how many of them are adopted by the show...
popular metaphors that embody enlightenment include a refuge, a flame going out, or a firm island - because this world is often described as an ocean. all human beings are floating in the 生死苦海 sea of rebirth and suffering. to escape it, one must make their way to the island or to get on a boat. mahayana buddhism (aka. chinese buddhism) is literally named 大乘 the great vehicle, the primary idea being that enlightenment = to board a vehicle of transport, it will take you away. however, buddhism doesn't just envision this as an ambiguous vehicle. 乘 the vehicle specifically refers to a 船 boat.
the mortal world and the cycle of suffering is a sea and the way out is enlightenment, envisioned as a boat.
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
an extension of this is the concept of 彼岸 the faraway shore (alt tl: the further shore, the distant shore, the other shore, or at times the opposing shore). it draws on the same notion of 苦海 the ocean of suffering. to achieve enlightenment is to swim to shore, where there is finally safety and stability, free from suffering. this is why the euphemism for enlightenment is to 度到彼岸 reach the faraway shore.
此岸 this shore, is this ever-changing world full of agonies. you wade across the 苦海 sea of suffering, and reach 彼岸 the faraway shore. this is enlightenment.
as @seventh-fantasy depicts in this post, the final shot of ep 40, and as seen in the bonus ep 40.5, this is where llh is. ep 40 ends with the camera moving further into the distance, moving further into the sea. and the bonus ep 40.5 makes it clear again that lxy/llh has found his way to a different beach. llh has crossed the sea to another beach. he is on another shore, the 彼岸 faraway shore, far from 东海 the east sea where everyone else is.
let's look even closer at this.
enlightenment is also conceived as a place: 淨土 the pure lands, 极乐世界 the realm of greatest bliss, and so on. one of the geographical markers of this idea is 西 the west. this "land" accessible only to the enlightened (佛 buddhas, 菩萨 bodhisattvas, and 阿罗汉 arhats) is also dubbed 西方淨土 the western pure lands and 西天 the western heavens, etc.
enlightenment is imagined to be westwards. the opposite direction and away from 东海 dong hai = the east sea. where the story began and lxy famously plunged into; he fell into the 苦海 sea of suffering located in the 东 east. from this starting point, llh makes a meandering journey to his final location in the show. he makes his way 西 west, towards enlightenment, and reaches a 彼岸 faraway shore, the enlightened "after" and what is beyond.
now that we're on the topic of the pure lands, it's worth mentioning that this concept is furnished with a lot of descriptions in buddhist sutras. it is a beautiful, glorious land brimming with lotuses. because, of course, the lotus is yet another ubiquitous image that represents enlightenment.
the lotus position is crucial to the buddhist practice of prayer cultivation, especially in 禅宗 zen buddhism that is built around the central practice of prayer. lotuses are motifs in buddhist art, and buddhist myths (the legend goes that lotus flowers bloomed under the buddha's feet when he took his first steps as a child). people practicing buddhism are referred to as 莲友 lotus friends, 芬陀利花 the white lotus is a synonym for the buddha. lotuses are also integral to buddhist canon; the pure lands are detailed to have seven 宝莲池 treasure lotus ponds. every buddhist has their own lotus waiting for them in the pure lands; it is believed the more you cultivate, the more your bud in the pure lands grows/blooms.
of note, every living thing residing in the pure lands are made from lotuses. in fact, buddhist canon states that the enlightened are reborn inside a lotus bud, similar to an incubation. their new body is reconstituted from lotuses and they emerge anew when the bud blooms. crucially, it is also stated that every enlightened in the pure lands will have 莲花座 a lotus seat. this is a vehicle of transport, usually likened to the magic carpet from one thousand and one nights. it is described as 随心所欲、飞翔自在 something that acts after your heart's desire, something that flies free. the lotus seat is about boundless, freeing travel.
this isn't comprehensive at all, there are tons of other ways lotuses come up throughout buddhism. but the connection to the show is straightforward and self-explanatory. the primary motif in 莲花楼 mysterious lotus casebook is the lotus - a famous marker for buddhism itself. one of the dominant illustrations of enlightenment, the cultivation process to achieve it, and enlightened entities themselves.
the buddhist notions of rebirth are similarly heavily intertwined with the lotus. it is your body; you become it, it becomes you. from then on, you are surrounded by its image and its presence. you even have a lotus vehicle that becomes your main method of travel, a mode of travel defined by carefree contentment. sound familiar? llh's identity and his living carries major markers of enlightenment. it is one of the primary concerns of his character arc.
quick detour. a prominent moniker for enlightenment is the setting of the sun, as yet another epithet utilized by the drama.
Tumblr media Tumblr media
detour over. crazy connections time.
discussions of death and suicide is, to my knowledge, particularly prominent in japanese buddhism. but as a whole, a significant portion of buddhist canon and a good number of buddhist media deals with this too. dying as a means to get closer to enlightenment, equating death and enlightenment, the subject of suicide itself. characters seemingly pass away and become enlightened, or characters strive for death with this express purpose as death is connected to enlightenment. this is true. one does not necessarily cause the other, but the concepts are interconnected in buddhism. it comes hand in hand, dissecting one means dissecting the other and vice versa.
most buddhist texts and masters do not condone a direct correlation, suicide is not the way to enlightenment. there is no buddhist value to killing yourself. but the key exception lies in one of the most important buddhist texts: the lotus sutra.
"These include several themes dealing explicitly with death, such as how suicide was committed to speed up rebirth in the Pure Land based on the sanctioning of voluntary death as a superior form of sacrifice in Chapter 23 of the Lotus Sutra ..." [1]
the chapter 23 in question talks about a bodhisattva who turns himself into a human candle and burns himself up, in offering to the buddha. there is more to the story, but it mainly functions as a lesson about cultivation and enlightenment.
in the canon about buddhist suffering, there lies a subset dedicated to physical pain and torment. there is a heavy focus on our 5 senses, specifically (that's a whole separate topic i won't go into here). very briefly, to suffer is to experience the world through our 5 senses. to live as a human being is to suffer in a sensory way.
buddhism aspires to transcend this flesh and blood suffering. so annihilation of one's body is an essential step to achieve enlightenment. usually, this theory centers natural death and decay. you accept that you are always aging, your senses will lose their edge, your body is always subject to illness, injury and other failings. let the body waste away, it will do so regardless.
hence, the human body is set on a course of gradual deterioration. this suffering is processed through our 5 senses and is defined by them. in the face of this, the lotus sutra is the only notable buddhist text that looks kindly upon "voluntary death" to transcend it.
similarly, llh accepts the effects of bicha on his body. it mimics the natural decline of the human body, accelerating the degradation of his senses, his immune system, and his physical capabilities in general. his experience of this form of suffering is also emphasized through a period losing his sense of sight. it is a very buddhist torment. but at the end of the day, it is still a man-made, unnatural cause generating this effect. accepting this is not the same as accepting 生老病死 death via age, sickness and other natural processes.
llh embodies the sentiments and themes in the lotus sutra when he consciously chooses to let bicha run its course. he chooses to die, it is a "voluntary death". let this destroy his body. let this suicidal choice (though its more nuanced than simply suicide imo) free him from buddhist physical suffering. thus bringing him closer to peace, a version of himself that will be happier.
finally, enlightenment is about ambiguity.
凡人 the common people are incapable of comprehending enlightenment. it is understood that the human senses and the human mind is too inept and unrefined, too clouded by illusions, to grasp it. there are a million ways to express it, depict it, and name it. but there is a consensus across buddhism that these are simply aids for the common student of buddhism, and they are not accurate to the truth. at the core of enlightenment is an abstraction, an inherent unknowing.
it is, by definition, a departure and a continuation. it is a removal from this world and a transition into another place, another realm. all at once, the phenomenon straddles a greyness between an ending and a beginning. it is unclear whether the enlightened has left, or is it the common man who is so lacking he cannot recognize or even perceive the enlightened? in the theory of enlightenment, buddhism accounts for both factors. but we will never know for sure.
where do the enlightened go? where are they, where have they gone? these are questions buddhists often ask and explore, and it is also the question that the remaining cast engages with. what is enlightenment, exactly? there is a suspicion, some notion of what must have happened. it might be death, it might not be. only the enlightened can answer this, everyone else is left without clarity.
in the end, the seekers get close to the answer but there is no real fruition. and so the search lasts indefinitely.
that, too, is part and parcel to enlightenment.
as for how enlightenment narratives function, i leave you with this.
"Nirvana provides the full stop (period) in the religious story; it gives what one might call, to use Frank Kermode's well-known phrase, "the sense of an ending" - that is, a real ending and not a mere breaking off. Such an ending is only possible within a narrative.
[...]
Nirvana, I want to suggest, is a moment within a discursive or practical dynamic, a formal element of closure in structure of Buddhist imagination, texts, and rituals. One might say that nirvana has primarily a syntactic rather than semantic value: it is the moment of ending which gives structure to the whole. The fact of narrative structure and closure provides a meaningful and satisfying resolution, although in itself nirvana has merely the formal value of a closure marker.
[...]
Earlier I called nirvana the full stop (period) in the Buddhist religious story; now I can add that it is a full stop in an eternal story, a full stop which brings closure to individual lives in a master text which itself can have no final ending." [2]
Sources:
Tragedy and Salvation in the Floating World: Chikamatsu's Double Suicide Drama as Millenarian Discourse by Steven Heine ↩︎
Nirvāna, Time, and Narrative by Steven Collins ↩︎
20 notes · View notes
Text
Dude this is so me fr
35 notes · View notes
sheepstiel · 20 days
Text
science side of tumblr how do i stop caughing my brains out
4 notes · View notes
illmoraineakoi · 8 months
Text
Everyone out here giving Hollow cute moth partners, or pretty mantises or bees or whatnot.
Fuck that, where's the AU where Hollow falls in love with a massive feral Wyrm?
#*Long Sigh* I guess I'll have to Do It Myself then#Hollow Knight#Yall are sleeping on this and it's criminal#It's such a funny idea#Tiny quiet and kind Hollow seeing a massive Wyrm just fucking up another Higher Being and going like-#''Oh no she's hot.''#and then like ''whAT DID I JUST THINK?!''#And she's just like...''wtf is this tiny little toothpick doing staring at me? you ain't food gtfo''#Hollow's got the Wyrm Genes that make him think Wyrms are Sexy and he's CONFUSED#But he tries to court her anyway because he's caught the Stupid For Her sickness#And she's annoyed for soooo looong because he won't leave her alone and his attempts at courting her are pathetically laughable.#Until one day she realizes -- ''Oh fUCK I'M IN LOVE WITH THIS IDIOT''#Obligatory 'antagonist tries to hurt/kill Hollow and Wyrm Lady goes absolutely BERSERK on their ass.' idea#But destroying them kills her and Hollow has to watch her die bc Rule of Angst#(He can't heal her. He lost the ability to Focus from containing the Radiance.)#(But he remembers what the King did and tries to desperately get her to do that too. It doesn't seem like it works...)#(But he refuses to leave her body bc he can't bear to loose her so he's there when she violently claws her way out the side of it)#(She collapses-bloody and exhausted-into his arms and greets him with the derisive nickname for him that's turned into an affectionate one)#(And he laughs while weeping tears of void. he laughs in relief and gratitude and love)
6 notes · View notes
maiaacchiato · 10 months
Text
anyhow
2 notes · View notes
userscuderia · 2 years
Text
its my birthday……👀🫣
7 notes · View notes
tmae3114 · 1 year
Text
you know, one would think that being myself a person who’s brain occasionally just refuses to work socially, resulting in many occasions when friends have had to wait weeks or even months for a response from me, and thus knowing from personal experience that this is simply a thing that happens sometimes, would make my own brain, which experiences this, less likely to immediately slam the THEY’RE DEAD OR DYING button every time a friend takes longer than usual to respond to a text
4 notes · View notes
opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years
Text
...
#well it's now after midnight. i had abt an hr long total freak out. made a very bad life choice that is#almost absolutely garenteed to bite me in the ass very quickly. and i am no closer to decided if im going to this supid mini conference#tomorrow. i should go. my boss has implied that i should go.#so i should shut the fuck up and drive out there tomorrow morning and sit thru a bunch of annoying bullshit#and stop throwing a tantrum abt it. i do this literally anytime i have to attend something social#my body tries everything in its power to allow me to justify bailing. and its exhausting#like u cant just get out of things u dont wanna do by laying down and having a meltdown abt it#i mean. objectively the actions demonstrated were not those of a person fit to be on the road diving a vehicle on what is shaping up to be#less than 6hrs of sleep. but ya kno#and if i go tomorrow its literally all day. kike full on 8.30 to 5.30 and bbq starts#and i need to work on my presentation for thrusday. so id have to bail on the bbq bc i dont wanna fucking deal with that#and then my boss will be like: ur leaving 🥺 and ill feel bad bc anytimr i let the symptoms of my aflictions affect other ppl it just#feels selfish bc like. i know whats happening i dont have to let u get caught in the crossfire#but my brain is telling me i shouldnt go. but if i went it would prob be fine. i just dont want to#but i also dont wanna txt my boss at like 6am like heyyyy so fyi im not coming again today bc... like i dont even kno#bc anxiety i guess. but like boohoo shut the fuck up. if i listened to every anxious voice in myvhead id never#do anything... and i dont do anything. but i shouldn't listen to those voices. but i also shouldnt drive on a lack of sleep#idk i just wanna txt my bosss like: how much do u want me to go? bc ill do it if u make me#but i also might have a breakdown afterwards so like i maybe wanna avoid that?#idk i should sleep. we'll see what happens in the morning i guess#unrelated
7 notes · View notes
bottomvalerius · 1 year
Text
I am. So fucking tired LMAO
3 notes · View notes
Text
tw: vent, PTSD, flashback 😩
(I’m fine just irritated and upset)
#read a post that upset but I managed to calm myself down and not be triggered#then saw a second post that caught me off guard but still managed to stay calm but now bad thoughts are amuck#saw a third and fourth post in quick succession with triggers in them#(I need to check my filters or stop using mobile bc I can’t use xkit)#I’m just gonna get off the internet and like do Duolingo or something#but it feels like my brain is floating in bad feeling soup#and like yeah! i managed to calm myself down and ground and not grt triggered or have a flashback or get drowned in awful thoughts#and that’s progress and a lot of work and my therapist would be proud!#but I’m still like 10x more exhausted than I was counting on tonight#and even if I’m not spiraling I’m still THINKING about things I don’t want to have to think about right now#but that’s the sort of thing that doesn’t go away really.#there are some topics I’ll always be stupidly sensitive to that will ruin my day upon encountering them#and these are not safe topics to be sensitive about because people love to take advantage of that sensitivity#and my ESA is over an hour away because my school makes it intentionally difficult to get approval#if anyone is reading my rant (bless you 💕) and knows how to filter words on mobile please let me know how#of course that doesn’t always help because there’s a lot of slang and allusions and images#and feel literally sick to my stomach having to ask people to tag my triggers#(I’ve had some bad experiences with asking people to accommodate my triggers recently)#and I hate doing it in the first place#i hate being in America. my PTSD has been making up for lost time since I got back from Wales.#ah whoop there it goes flashback time 🤪#(I’ll be okay I am fine I just was upset and wanted to rant but that made me more upset :/)#((gonna go suck on a jolly rancher watch Old Enough))
3 notes · View notes
orcelito · 1 year
Text
Tfw I am like. Stuck in bed lol. Bc all the exhaustion of the past few days has caught up with me
I need to Bake.... metamorphosis....
1 note · View note
faeriepuppyboy · 2 years
Text
Destiny 2 crucible takes so much out of me
3 notes · View notes
sleepyhecd · 2 years
Text
i have been sleeping so poorly lately????
2 notes · View notes