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#garden shit

Building a Hügelkultur: A First Attempt Guide

Spring is coming, I can feel it in my bones, which means it’s a good time to prepare my raised beds! Hence my impulse driven project of chopping up my Christmas tree and building a hügelkultur as dusk started to fall.

For those who don’t know, a hügelkultur is a German permaculture-esque practice of burying logs and branches with compost to create a raised bed. As the wood decomposes, it releases water and nutrients that the plants can easily access, meaning you don’t have to fertilize or water as often. Sustainability rocks!

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Step 1: Dig a big hole. I’m doing this in raised bed boxes, but you can do it anywhere.

Step 2: Lay a bed of logs and branches, logs on the bottom, branches on top. Make sure you have a decent layer, branches like to spring but the woody material is what holds all the good stuff. I’m only using the branches, since the trunk of the tree is going to be firewood, but this has been done with full trees. Like, full maples. Big ass trees.

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Step 3: Organic material! Kitchen scraps, partially decomposed compost, garden cuttings. I have a camellia that drops it’s flowers all over my pathway, so I was able to use those and do a bit of witchcraft while building this thing.

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Step 4: Brown material! All those dried leaves, the soggy mess from your gutters, all of it. Plop on top.

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Step 5: Cover it all up with a layer of fully composted material and the soil you dug out when you made that big hole.

This raised bed will be decomposing for several years, and as it decomposes, the soil will get richer and richer. As it is, it’s a really soft and springy bed, great for root systems.

Hope you’ve enjoyed this guide!

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Can a plant be possessed? I swear my mom’s strawberry plant I got her last year is. Note I dumbly put the poor demon thing too close to her cucumber plant last year and it got buried under it. But this thing survived that being buried under a crazy out of control cucumber plant for nearly 4 months, the crazy northern panhandle of WV winter weather which for this year is rain rain oh freezing temps and rain BUT it’s still green!!!

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You go to olive garden and order unlimited salad and breadsticks. The first serving comes out. You eat it. The second serving comes. You eat that as well. The third serving comes. You’re starting to get full, but you eat it cause fuck it you want to get your money’s worth right. Then the fourth serving comes. You start to eat it but stop about a third of the way through cause you’re full and you can’t eat any more. As the waitress comes to give you a 5th serving, you tell her you won’t eat it and that you’re ready to pay. She replies “okay” with a smile and goes to get your check, but leaves the 5th serving on your table.


About 10 minutes go buy and the waitress comes out with a 6th serving. You grow a little irritated and tell her that you didn’t want any more food, you wanted the check. Again she smiles and says “I’ll bring that right out.” As she’s walking away another waitress comes out with a 7th serving of food. You’re stunned at what’s happening as you now have nearly 3 full portions of uneaten food. The waitress comes back with an 8th serving and tells you the computers are down, and it might take longer than expected to process the credit card payment. She places the food on top of the food already on the table. The other patrons at the restaurant are now starting to glance at your table with confusion.


Then a 9th serving comes out.


At this point you can’t even see the table underneath the food but that doesn’t stop the waitress from bringing a 10th serving. You’re irate now and demand her bring you your credit card back so you can leave. She says the payment is still processing but she’ll go check on it.


She comes back with a 10th serving and tells you the payment is still processing, but if you’re going to have to wait if she could bring you some water. You oblige, bewildered at the pile of uneaten salad and breadsticks strewn before you, as the warm scent of garlic fills your nostrils. She comes back with an 11th serving and a glass of water. You drink the water. A 12th serving comes out. At this point the food is piled so high you can’t even see across the table anymore. 13th serving. Food starts to fall on the floor. 14th serving. People start to leave the restaurant, confused and a bit frightened at the spectacle.


15.


You start to get up and leave, but the waitress tells you it won’t be much longer. “I don’t care!” You say, your voice cracking from fear, “just let me get out of here!”


“I’m afraid I cannot do that sir. You must finish the unlimited salad and breadsticks you ordered.”


At this point, 30 servings lay on and around your table. A conveyor of waiters are stacking up servings one by one at the tables surrounding you. Kitchen production has reached 1 serving every four seconds. After 100 servings have been brought out you try to make a break for the door, but you slip on a greasy breadstick and fall face first onto the floor.


“Oh can I help you sir?” A worried voice asks. You look up. It’s the waitress. “Please, just let me go. I’ll do anything, please!”


She smiles and replies “Oh sir, you chose your fate already, and it only cost you $6.99.”


You begin to cry. You crawl to the door. It’s locked.


250 servings.


You begin to wet yourself. You pray, hoping for a miracle.


428 servings.


Breadsticks are now shooting out of the kitchen like bullets from a submachine gun. All the waiters and waitresses have gotten on their knees and formed a circle, citing the Olive Garden code of conduct as smoke billows from the floor within. Salad dressing starts to fall from the ceiling. You begin to suffocate from the lettuce blocking your nasal passages


2564 servings.


You accept your fate. Power comes in and out, a lightning storm forms outside. There are so many breadsticks in the restaurant that you are unable to see any light. The door breaks open and food begins to pour out at the speed of sound. The road in front of the restaurant gets covered in slippery lettuce and salad dressing, causing a multi car pile up.


6591 servings.


The earth begins to tremble. There is a power blackout.


15477 servings.


Nothing can stop the cataclysm.


61899 servings.


422455 servings


10174592 servings.


The earth begins to split. Volcanic magma makes its way to the surface. The olive garden emoloyees have summoned Cthulhu. He sets fire to the continent. Salad and breadsticks completely cover the earth. Oxygen supply is cut off. Sunlight is nonexistent. You’re already dead. The unlimited salad and breadsticks continue to multiply, increasing the mass of the earth to unsustainable levels. Earth collapses into itself, causing a supernova the likes of which have never happened before.


Silence

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Well thanks to the finale (I think?????) Delaney violently woke up so there’s an update to his bio:

Semblance Completion: Delaney’s semblance has changed or evolved into a fully functioning power. Essentially his body adopts properties (typically densities and strengths) of inorganic material. More in his bio.

Motif Change: Thanks to his Semblance being fully completed, his new basis more fits The Green Lion that Devours the Sun from Alchemical Symbolism.

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