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I was going to tell you guys about how I adulted today but instead my Mum decided to tell me that her co-workers dip peanut butter sandwiches in their chili.

No, I’m fucking done. I’m fucking done. YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE! YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND, DUDE! YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT! You gotta look inside yourself and say, “What am I willing to put up with today?” NOT! FUCKING! THIS!

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11 February 2020, 8:33pm

I’m sitting at my desk in a dark living room.

The only light in the room is coming from my computer monitor.

I’m wearing my gaming headphones and playing binueral beat music for concentration.

Rocking my computer glasses to protect my eyes because I’m that kind of nead. (Yes, they actually work. No more painful, dry eyes and I can sleep better.)

I’m working on a fresh set of edits from my advisor sent this afternoon.

Also, staying hydrated.

Yup, another typical evening.

Research, work, write, edit, re-write, and a little more work.

image

Originally posted by jjjjjjjjjjohn

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8 Feburary 2020, 7:16pm

I do cardio classes four times a week.

I sleep for eight hours a night.

I drink water like a fish.

I have a productivity plan and an accountability app that helps me stay on track.

But….

Do I always feel good? No.

Am I sleeping well? Not always.

Do I still procrastinate? Yes.

Do I still have deadlines coming up that I’m not ready for? Yes. I actually just past one so I’m turning in a paper late.

Do I still feel inadequate as a graduate student? Yes.

All that being said…..

I know I’m doing my best to stay healthy and become a better future historian.

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I’m going back to my PhD!!!!

My university finally came back and said they weren’t going to make any accommodations for my new disability, and so I’m transferring back to the uni I did my masters at to work with the same supervisor. I’m seriously excited and currently reading many, many textbooks, articles, and reports. I’m getting this d*mn degree. Just watch me.

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Grad school is hard and I’m tired.

My sister died a year ago this month.

I just want one person to be proud of me. 

Ugh. Sorry for the limited word vomit.

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hari ini, jadi salah satu hari yang aku tunggu-tunggu. satu hari dimana aku presentasi dari hasil penelitianku. lucunya, satu minggu sebelum tesis, aku disibukan dengan urusan apply kampus untuk rencana lanjut bersekolah. deadline pengumpulan berkasnya, kemarin, 1 Desember. perhatianku betul-betul malah tercurahkan ke sana, rasanya apply ke empat kampus di waktu bersamaan itu cukup melelahkan disamping harus riset + tesis. tapi di semester ke-4 ini emang betul-betul jadi pembelajaran. banyak banget belajar. salah satunya tentang mengandalkan “diri sendiri”.

intinya semakin dewasa, semakin banyak hal yang mesti kita pertanggangjawabkan sendiri. betul-betul tanggung jawab. contohnya seperti riset-riset yang belakangan aku temui ada cacatnya, dan aku ga sadar akan hal itu. kenapa aku ga sadar? ada dua faktor, dari aku, dan dari luar, alias pembimbingku hoho.

aku, sebagai newbie masih perlu banyak baca, tapi tekanan untuk cepat merampungkan paper seringkali membuat aku tidak bisa betul-betul komprehensif baca semua cerita di dalam paper. sayangnya aku dan pembimbingku meski sama sama disatu judul penelitian tapi kalo dilihat lagi lebih dalam, isi penelitianku jauh berbeda dengan keahliaannya. alhasil? hampir semuanya aku pelajari dan kembangakan sendiri. 

bagaimana dengan penulis kedua, tiga, empat didalem paperku? jarang ada cerita kami bagi-bagi tugas atau share ide, tapi pernah ada, seringnya? sendiri juga. cuma faktor “saling maklum” yang akhirnya bikin aku terus maju. 

tentang pembimbingku, kalau aku bisa mengkritik mungkin akan lakukan secara langsung, sayangnya budaya di sini sama saja seperti di Indonesia. ngertikan maksudnya? ga mungkin kalo aku keluhkan. aku cuma bisa terima aja. intinya sih ini semua semacam love-hate relationshipnya aku. tapi jujur, aku banyak love-nya. aku yakin pembimbingku akan berubah suatu hari nanti jadi lebih baik dalam membimbing mahasiswanya.

impianku, kalau aku melanjutkan study, aku ingin dimbimbing betul-betul oleh seseorang yang bisa bikin aku bertumbuh dengan passion dan cinta dengan apa yang aku tekuni, boleh ada selisih paham tapi tidak terlalu lama. pembimbing yang sekarang, betul, memang membuat aku bertumbuh, tapi bertumbuh dengan hati yang tidak seutuhnya puas. ada kebutuhan untuk diarahkan, tapi tidak terpenuhi. 

tulisan ini sepenuhnya mungkin terlihat seperti keluhan memang, tapi tidak juga. aku cuma ingin, aku ingat tentang hari ini, tentang aku yang hari ini. bahwa ada pelajaran berharga, yang harus aku ingat lagi hari ini.

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Writing my statement of purpose and trying to make my lack of focus on a singular subject sounds like an asset rather than an annoyance is real interesting. 

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Mum: I need you to sign this to change your life insurance.

Me: You better not be planning on murdering me.

Mum: For 25,000? That’s not even enough to take care of the funeral, let alone your bills.

Me: …

Me: That is somehow very assuring and yet I also feel insulted.

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I’ve been so useless this weekend. I have a book review, 2000 words due tomorrow and I have written nothing. Why?????

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3 October 2019, 8:55pm

I can’t believe it’s already October. Sweet Jeebus!

I leave tomorrow for my research trip and my luggage is stuffed. It’s nearly at the weight limit for the airplane. I have no idea how to fix it. I know my clothes are the issue but colder weather I need long-sleeve clothes. That’s what’s causing the weight, including my jeans. I also refuse to travel without extra underthings.

Urgh………I wish it was 10Ibs lighter.

Why do I always do this?!

I have a terrible habit of overpacking.

I’m seriously considering sending my souveniers through DHL to avoid packing them and traveling back with them.

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Originally posted by achingtentacles

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