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#graduate student

I needed to finish up the editing to my thesis. I usually didn’t like to be in the open area of school when doing this, but the term was over, and summer had begun which left the building quite empty.

I wore a light summer dress just in case I would go out afterwards in celebration of my finishing the paper. I found all the seats along the outside wall on the second floor empty and settled on the end of the row. I have always liked those seats because they are larger and comfy. They were also paired, facing each other with a small table in the middle.

I sat down and got my laptop out. I lost myself in my paper. I was enjoying it! When I finished editing my paper I looked up and realized that a few hours had passed. The sun was still shining but I knew there was just a couple hours of good light left.

I thought about going for a walk or perhaps just going straight for a drink. As I sat there contemplating, one of my classmates appeared in the building. I saw him walking around wearing a shirt and shorts. It looked like he was on his way to handing in something – he seemed in a hurry. I saw him come back around a few moments later. He saw me and walked over.

“Hey!” he exclaimed as he approached. “How are things?”

“Good! I just finished my initial edits.”

“Awesome! Congratulations!” He stepped forward and gave me a high five. That’s when I noticed he was quite sweaty. “Oh, sorry for the sweat. I was out playing basketball when I remembered I had to literally hand in an assignment today. I raced home, tried to drink an energy drink and spilled it on myself. So, I changed into my comfy shorts and ran here.”

I was laughing out loud. “Well, hey, at least you handed it in on time.”

“Yeah. But now I still need to check online for a couple things. Just to make sure it’s all done.”

“Here,” I offered, “just use my laptop.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I’ll go through my notes while you check on things.”


He sat down in the chair opposite me and I noticed his shorts didn’t hide too much. I spun the laptop toward him. I glanced again, and his cock and balls were pressed against the lining of the right side of his shorts.

In one swift moment I realized an attractive male friend sat across from me, his body sweaty and emitting an intoxicating odor, his beautiful package pressed against his shorts, and I was becoming rather horny.

I sat back in my chair. But as I did, I shifted in my seat, so the hem of my summer dress rose higher and higher. I crossed my right leg over my left and angled myself to the left, exposing more of my leg. I set the notes on the left arm of my chair and rested my elbow on the chair, my hand holding my head. I kept my head angled so I could glance over at him.

His cock had grown. I honestly don’t think he knew I could see as much as I did. He just seemed to concentrate on his work and my exposed leg. I nonchalantly moved by right hand to my exposed flesh, pretending to scratch the outer side of my right leg, and then that itch on the back of my leg. That moved the hem of my dress up even further, exposing more of my leg.

His cock grew even more. I could tell that we were having an impact on each other. He moved forward in his seat and swiveled his hips getting comfortable. His near-erect cock strained to stay inside his shorts. I still didn’t think that he knew how revealing his shorts were at the time.

But I started to crave more. I sunk further into the seat and pushed out my right hip. My right ass cheek was now exposed. I playfully caressed my right hip and delved further inside. I felt my panties and I inhaled quickly as I realized he could see them. I looked, and the head of his cock peered out.

Typically, I would say that a cock is a cock is a cock, and if it’s healthy and at least average size, then everything would be fine. But seeing his beautiful cock peek out made me salivate. I was intoxicated by my friend, his sweaty body, and his manhood peeking out.

He suddenly closed the laptop. “Thanks”

“Everything turned in?” I asked, my head resting on my left arm.

“Yeah. Thank goodness.” He looked at my leg and said, “now I can enjoy the rest of summer.”

I raised my head, gave a devilish grin, slapped my hip and said, “Hey, what do you have in mind?” His eyes darted back to mine and then blushed with embarrassment. I gave a nod to his still growing cock and said, “Oh, I see.”

He looked down and nearly yelled, “Oh, shit!” He put both hands over his groin and sunk into the chair. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I said. “To be honest, the stress of the term, the summer heat, and having an attractive sweaty guy in front of me with a nice cock has made me really fucking horny.”

I looked around and no one was there. Fuck it, I thought, we’re graduating soon. I stood up, lifted my dress, lowered my panties, put them in my bag, sat down and opened my legs. He looked around as I slid forward in my seat opened my legs even wider, and I revealed my wet pussy to him. “Lick it,” I commanded.

He stood up, his cock strained against his shorts. He picked up the table to move it behind his chair, knelt between my legs, and leaned in for his meal.

He started by tasting my outer lips which were already open. His tongue started low, lower than most even care to venture, and slid up one side, over my aching clitoris, and down the other side. He then sucked my clitoris, gently, pulling with his lips as his tongue rolled over it.

He flicked my clit with his tongue as he slid a finger inside, curling it to hit my g-spot. I started cumming and my juices flowed, covering his mouth and chin.

I pulled his head up to me, and we kissed for the first time as I tasted myself on his lips. We each grabbed his shorts and pushed them down exposing his hardened tool. I immediately tried to put it all in my mouth. I tasted his precum when he grabbed my head and pulled away from me.

I looked up at him and he said, “I’m going to cum soon and I want to be inside you, to feel you.” I nearly came again to his words. I leaned back and opened myself. He guided himself in.

I couldn’t believe how good he felt. I don’t know if it was because I was so horny, that he was a friend, or his fantastic cock, but I came again, squeezing him.

We kissed, deeply, and then we looked into each other’s eyes. His hands were on the arms of the chair, propping him up as his hips thrust me into the chair. I put my hands in his arms and felt the tight muscles. He started to give the familiar face of a man cumming soon.

Realizing he didn’t have a condom on, I said between deep breaths, “Not in my pussy.”

He kept thrusting as he huskily asked, “Where?”

“My ass?”

His eyes lit up. He slipped out of me and took a step back, his cock glistening from my juices. I got up, turned around, and knelt in the chair. He lifted my dress exposing my puckered hole. He took two fingers, grabbed natural lube from his mouth, and smeared my anus, circling the rim. He grabbed my hip with one hand and guided his cock with the other.

I felt the familiar bump against my back hole. I took a deep breath and let it out, allowing all the tension in my body to go. His cockhead entered. He spit some more lube onto himself and then entered another inch. He receded and entered several times, allowing the lubricant to spread and my body to accept him.

He continued this until his entire cock was inside. We both sighed at the same time, “Oh, fuck.”

Slowly at first, he slid in and out of my ass. And then he grabbed my hips and fucked me. Hard. I steadied myself with one hand and reached down to rub my clit with the other.

His grunts and my moans became louder and louder. I don’t think either of us cared in that moment if a student, professor, or even a Dean caught us. We needed this. We needed each other. In that moment.

He grunted, “I’m going to cum.”

“Me too,” I said, “ cum in my ass.”

He pulled on my hips as he thrust himself to me, his cock being sucked in by me, my ass clenching as I came, milking his manhood. I could feel him inject me with his warm seed.

As soon as we came, we looked around and were glad to see no one there. I looked over my shoulder and we both said, “bathroom.” He pulled out and we both squeezed our body parts as we hobbled to the bathrooms.

I obviously took a little longer “freshening up.” When I exited the bathroom, I saw him wiping down our chairs. As I walked closer, he looked up and said, “I just felt like it was the proper thing to do.”

For some reason, that moment of thoughtfulness after fucking me in the ass endeared me to him even more than before. I smiled at him.

“So,” he started to say something but couldn’t think of the words. We both started laughing and shook our heads. He finally said, using a more somber tone, “How long are you around for?”

“About a month and then my lease is up. I defend next week. You?”

“Congratulations! That’s awesome! I’m still deciding between coasts. I’ve got three months left on my lease, so I have a little bit of time to decide. And it’s nice because I can just go directly from here to whichever direction I decide.”

We both studied the situation for a moment, trying to guess what’s on the other’s mind. He finally broke the silence. “Look, you are my friend and I don’t want to jeopardize that. I’ve always been attracted to you. After your lease is up, if you want to move in with me for a couple months and see how things go, you are more than welcome. If nothing else, it will answer that question I think we now both have. And we can live the rest of our lives without regretting what could have been.”

He looked at me and I simply stood there. I replied, “How about we go get a drink and chat for a while.” He seemed a little disappointed as we gathered out things. Before we set out, I put a hand on his shoulder and said, “Hey, a lady should let all of the cum exit her body before making a decision.”

I laughed heartily and he just shook his head and said, “So gross.”

“That’s one of the traits you like about me. Admit it”

He looked at me and smiled.

Buy my book here.

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“I can’t do Emotion Algebra, [redacted name]!” said by [redacted name] in my RODBT group.

Everyone then agreed that Emotion Algebra needed to be a thing and someone should write a PhD dissertation on it. 

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Day #49 - 100 days of productivity

19th of Febr. 2020

The Research Seminar is finally over, and I think the presentation went well. The feedback letters were quite nice and actually most of the criticism was very useful and thoughful. I am happy that it is over but there is something about these kinds of presentations. Somehow I don’t feel utterly relieved. During the presentation - after some nervousness - my enthusiasm increases and reaches its peak in the discussion. But after that - the audience clap their hands, I say again appreciatively thank you for your attention  (and I really mean it!) and then it is over. The spark is gone, the show is over and I find myself alone with the knowledge I have and I have not.

I came home to this:


Very grateful for my boyfriend. This will definitely help in the writing process of my paper.- This is the next milestone. Deadline is actually end of February. I doubt that I will make it.

Oh and the 2 students, me and my PhD fellow are supervising, are very friendly and super motivated. It is fun because they also have such great manners. I mean, we count 1.5 days since we know them but I have a good feeling.

It is the middle of the week and I hope you are doing great. Keep in mind, there are always nice people out there.

#notetomyself: Be more careful with your words, you might hurt somebody without any bad intentions. Words are interpreted very differently by people, as well as the perception of the world is different for each person. Keep that in mind.

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Good morning! I have exactly 2 things on my todo list for the day:

1. Finish lab record (5 experiments)

2. Complete pending coding assignments (10 programs)

If I get these done by 7 pm I’ll have ice cream after dinner :D

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Day #48 - 100 days of productivity

13th of Febr. 2020

So loooking forward to go to bed soon. I was already so extremely tired in the morning, it is crazy. And I do procrastinate so much, it takes me hours to finish one slide. Anyhow, I think I progressed quite a bit today. I am thinking about doing the analysis on a dataset again, that I am presenting in my next research seminar (next week). I wanted to re-analyze again but somehow I lost interest in these data and I needed to finish other stuff. I looked at three subjects and the way of cutting the data didn’t make a difference so I didn’t take the time to look at the other 14 subjects xD Well… Let’s see what my super-supervisor says tomorrow. I should rather work on my paper… which is due by the end of month. I think he thinks the same way. The research seminar is not too important for me. And I shouldn’t forget that the biology students next week are coming as well. I need to supervise them and work on some scripts and pipelines to give them and read the papers that they need to read. Oh man… when I read what I am writing here I am getting a bit nervous. But it will be fine. I just need to reduce the amount of procrastination at work. May the force be with me and with you.

Have a smooth start into the weekend ya’ll!

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honestly i just felt inspired to word dump here today as its been a little while since i made a personal post. 
things are generally well, mostly just chugging along on various projects, namely developing my thesis proposal, r.a. work and just balancing general life stuff. 
i’m coming out the other side of applying for a buttload of scholarships, mostly travel awards in the hopes that if my abstract gets selected for this great conference in toronto i can y’know,,,,actually go lmao. i submitted 2 on the 7th, 6 yesterday (jesus) and have a more substantial fellowship application due at the end of the month. i’m really hoping that by having cast my net wide i will actually reel something back in. 
on a similar note, cannot WAIT to get paid tomorrow. it took an egregiously long time to get my thesis-route-switch paperwork signed and processed so for all of january i wasn’t getting paid the new amount i was supposed so now tomorrow i will be getting back-paid all of that. so,,, finna buy some actual groceries and pay off my visa (justgirlythingz)

other than that life has been pretty good; i have been trying to cultivate more daily gratitude for the small joys in my life lately. i just feel like i want to reclaim some everyday magic and appreciation for all the stuff that i do have and shake loose the natural pessimism that likes to nest in my brain.

hope y’all are having a good week.

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Hello, it’s me, everyone’s fifteenth favorite brand new rough aesthetic Studyblr. I’m so rough that I’m only partially sure of it’s meaning in this context, but I don’t even take the Used stickers off the books I buy from the university bookstore. Enjoy this picture of last semester’s reading material. I’m also so brand new that I’ve been lurking in the community since I was an undergraduate, yet I don’t know anyone’s names except Emma because everyone talks about her. 

My name is not really Kaai- it’s David- but you can call me either one. I’m in my second semester of my first year of graduate school here in America. You can probably tell by the number of Penguins as required reading material that my degree is for English literature. In my cohort, I’m the Shakespeare guy. (You’ll be seeing pictures of the replica Black Friars theater I go to.)

I’ve finally come out of hiding to find people to talk to because my cohort is very small and studying/working for 8+ hours a day alone kinda sucks. Got questions about graduate school? Fire away. English lit fan? I probably haven’t read your favorite book, so please don’t put that pressure on me in an ask.

My classes this semester are Affect Theory, Queer Theory in 18th Century Literature, and Black Studies in Black Archives. I have mixed feelings about them, and the 

Let’s be friends. 

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I’m not waiting for the downfall either, when I say that things are actually turning out well.

part one: the org.

The warzone that used to be the college org that had pulled me in about a year ago, has become something like a congress or courthouse. It’s not yet a perfect democracy, but at least it’s no longer a one-man army. Maybe it’s just my war flashbacks - a term I’ve quite recently learned to call my officer initiatives as - talking, but I really am proud that it’s quickly coming to a close.

I authored 80% of a constitution, designed new branding schemes, appointed key bearers of the legacy, and hauled in the footholds for a well-connected and reputable college organization. In the end, I stumbled with the unfamiliarity of what I’ve achieved. I’ve grown so used to doing everything on my own that I almost forgot that I was leaving, that I should be training others to be as open to receiving new learnings as I had when I started out. For the younger ones, I’m the org mentor that I never had for myself.

It’s weird, it’s heart-expanding, it’s inspiring to see progress. And especially when you’ve been working for it all along.

But it hurts - just as much - to have to give it up, just as it teeters towards the peak of its greatness.

part two: the internship.

By luckiest stroke of fate, by some divine intervention, by some alignment of stars that still boggle me til now, I got into the best internship I think I could ever have signed up for.

I got into an IT consulting firm that specializes in UI/UX web and mobile development and design. Coding and UI, my unexplored specialties. My graphics design team are made up of UI/UX designers, and they allow me to learn their trade without being pressured to keep up with their standards. They were literally assisting me in coding my thesis website, but that wasn’t the best part.

The firm allowed for flexi-time, which meant I could clock in anytime in the work week as long as I got to finish at least eight hours. My supervisor always came around 10am-7pm, and I always arrived earlier and left later than him. I’m determined to do as much work as I can for the whole day; I can almost go 12 hours with minor breaks and coffee lmao.

The supervisor is an alumni of my course. He had taken his college life easier than me, and him being like that allowed me to think that hey, even if you don’t graduate this school at the top, you can still get by if you have the guts and the grit. And that’s what I’m developing right now. I occasionally ask for time off work to attend to org duties and thesis emergencies, but I still do deliver for the internship. Yep, while senior high taught me that I had a voice, college taught me how to use it and use it well.

part three: the thesis.

I know where to use my voice for: to talk about what no one does. My undergraduate thesis talks about civics education: the umbrella concept for how people are taught about politics, society, and democracy. It’s a personal advocacy that stemmed from questions about nationalism and patriotism, from reading about history surrounding Rizal, and being immersed in the novels themselves. Writer as I am, I simply can’t help the latter.

The multimedia thesis a print card game about Rizal’s civic activities, that aims to teach civics education to Grade 10 students. Paperwork and pre-production almost done, this iteration is down to the last few tweaks until we can squeak past proofreading, user testing, and market testing.

For the record, I myself stressed over the website for the last few weeks that not only had the UI/UX designers at the internship had stepped in and offered some tips, but that I seriously had to take days off work just to finish it. When I finally eked out half, my thesis adviser said that I should have focused on the game instead, since the website was only a marketing tool. Within that same day, I churned out all 63 cards (one still had its illustration underway) out of 2 ginormous PSD files, ready for proofreading and printing. The night burned me out quite bad, but at least that load quickly finished… 

part four: the story.

Coupled within the week, a good friend had asked help for his animation thesis, which was an advocacy story he was to animate in VR. I’d promised my help long ago, and I delivered: a five-page draft script, complete with concrete visualizations and directions of how he’ll execute it in VR.

I couldn’t have been prouder of this collab. I’ve always wanted to be a story artist - someone who visualizes stories and writes them as well - the only thing holding me back is my lack of experience in drawing for animation aka my degree. I could be helping all his classmates with their animation stories, he says, with how much I’m able to use film techniques, symbolisms, dialogues, and colors to fully execute his VR animated story. My degree is siphoning me into the ad industry, but in this collab, I learned what it’s like to be the visual director, the story artist. Not only was it fun, it was actually really fulfilling to be able to write with animation!

The collab also demonstrated that two people - in all their differences and similarities - can still be on equal ground if they work together. This collab taught me what it truly means to be loyal, to have each other’s back not out of duty or responsibility but because you chose to learn when you chose to stay. 

part five: the burnout.

The weekend after demanded at least 12 hours of sleep and mug of warm milk, and ton of chocolate. The burnout was real. My head was ringing from the online calls for the animation thesis, among other things; I was in no mood to do org work nor house chores, not even to draw, write a poem, or squeeze out a chapter. I was tired, physically, mentally.

But emotionally, I was satisfied.

For once, I was satisfied with my week.

Not only with my week, but everything that led up to that. The org. The internship. The thesis. My staying. Everything.

My college life is coming to a close. My time to understand everything, before twenty hits, is fast ending. For once I’m not regretting, for once, I’m not mad.

For once, I’m no longer ranting.

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8 Feburary 2020, 7:16pm

I do cardio classes four times a week.

I sleep for eight hours a night.

I drink water like a fish.

I have a productivity plan and an accountability app that helps me stay on track.


Do I always feel good? No.

Am I sleeping well? Not always.

Do I still procrastinate? Yes.

Do I still have deadlines coming up that I’m not ready for? Yes. I actually just past one so I’m turning in a paper late.

Do I still feel inadequate as a graduate student? Yes.

All that being said…..

I know I’m doing my best to stay healthy and become a better future historian.

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