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ladyluscinia · 6 months

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Ok, I think I might be exiting the "are you fucking kidding me?" period and ready to make a real argument, so lets talk about Three Act Structure!

Is OFMD S2 just the "Darkest Hour"?

A very common explanation I've been seeing for some of the... controversial... aspects of S2 is that it's meant to be that way. That the middle act is where the protagonists hit their lowest point. Where we get the big failure point. Where everything looks kind of shit.

S2 is supposedly just that point. It's The Empire Strikes Back. People have been making that comparison since before the first episodes even dropped, telling everyone to expect something that could be disappointing or unsatisfying - it's just a matter of needing to wait for S3 to pull it all together.

It's not a baseless framework to consider the show through - I'm pretty sure David Jenkins has mentioned it in interviews (or at least mentioned he planned for three acts / seasons) so it's certainly worth asking how he's doing at the 2/3rd mark.

So - quick summary of Three Act Structure:

Act 1 introduces our characters and world. It includes the inciting incident of the story and the first plot point, where a) the protagonist loses the ability to return to their normal life, and b) the story raises whatever dramatic question will drive the entire plot. Act 2 is rising action and usually most of the story. The protagonist tries to fix things and fucks them up worse, in the process learning new skills and character developing to overcome their flaws. Act 3 is the protagonist taking one more shot, but this time they are ready. We get the climax of the story, the dramatic question gets an answer, and then the story closes.

If you want examples, the Star Wars Original Trilogy is a very popular template. And, hell, he said it was a pirate story... the main Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy also does a solid job with their three acts.

Let's compare. (Spoiler: I'm not impressed 🤨)

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First thing I need to establish... Wait. Two things. First is that Three Act Structure is flexible, so we can't really analyze success or failure by pulling up a list of necessary plot beats that should have been hit in X order. Second is that if you tell me you are writing a romance with a Three Act Structure - where "the relationship is the story" - the first thing I'm going to do is ask you how you are adapting it. Because while there's not necessarily anything preventing you from applying this to a character driven plot, most people are familiar with it as plot structure for externally driven conflict.

Unless there's a reason the status of the main relationship is intrinsically tied up in the current status of the war against the evil empire, a standard Three Act Structure is going to entail either an antagonistic force that absolutely wants your main couple apart being the main relationship obstacle OR the romance aspect being a subplot to the protagonist's narrative adventure. None of those sound like how the show has been described.

So how is OFMD adapting it?

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Act 1

(Can't figure out how well Act 2 is doing if we don't start at setup.)

Right out the gate, OFMD breaks one of the main "rules" for a story where the Acts are delivered in three parts. Namely the one where the first Act is treated as an acceptable standalone story, with it's own satisfying yet open ended conclusion.

In Star Wars, A New Hope ends with the princess rescued, Luke finding the Force, Han finding his loyalty, and the Death Star destroyed. The Empire isn't defeated, the antagonists still live... the story is not over, but this one movie doesn't feel unfinished.

Similarly, Curse of the Black Pearl gives Jack his ship back, Elizabeth and Will get together, and Norrington has the English Navy let them all off the hook and give Jack and the pirates one day's head start.

OFMD's final beat of S1 being Kraken Arc starting is not that, even if Stede returning to sea is still a pretty hopeful note. Now... I don't necessarily think this was a bad call. At least, not if the story is the relationship. It's easy to close on a happy ending and then fuck it up next movie if the conflict is external and coming for them. Not so much if you're driving the story with your protagonists' flaws, in part because it should be really obvious at the end of setup that your main characters need development and can't run off together right now. I actually like that they were risk-takers and let S1 look at the situation clearly vs doing a fragile happy end, because it takes into account the difference between a character-driven and plot-driven narrative.

I think OFMD's Act 1 actually ends at maybe the Act of Grace? Well, there through the kiss on the beach, counting as our "first plot point" before everything goes wrong, basically.

At that point, they have setup the story and characters. We've been introduced to Edward and Stede's current issues. Signing the Act of Grace does make the intertwined arcs between them real - it's no longer a situation that either one of them could just walk away from like it was in 1x07 - and we narrow in on the (alleged) driving question of the show:

It's not about "Will Stede become a great pirate?" or "Will we develop a better kind of piracy for the crew?" - the show is the relationship and the big question is "What is Stede and Edward's happy ending?"

Act 1 ends on their first solution, being together and making each other happy and admitting it's more than just friendship. Act 2 starts, appropriately, by saying both of them are currently too flawed for that to go anywhere but crashing and burning.

Now... looking back, what does Act 1 do well vs poorly?

I think it's really strong on giving us the foundation for BlackBonnet's characters and flaws. We aren't surprised Stede goes home or Edward goes Kraken (or at least... we weren't supposed to be surprised. There are still a lot of holdouts blaming Izzy for interrupting Edward's "healing" despite how at this point in the story it doesn't make sense for Edward to have the skills to heal... but I digress). The relationship question is compelling at the end of S1, the cliffhanger hooks, and the fandom explosion of fics did not come from nowhere - the audience was invested.

I also think Act 1 does a great job of settling us in the universe. We understand the rules it abides by, from how gay pirates are just a fact of life to how there's no important organs on the left side of the body. Stede has a muppety force field. Rowboats have homing devices, and port is always as close as you want it to be. Scurvy is a joke. The overblown violence of pirate life is mostly a joke, but we are going to take the violence of childhood trauma seriously.

Lucius's fake-out death, while technically part of Act 2, works well because Act 1 did a good job of priming everyone to go "obviously this show wouldn't kill a crew member for shock value, and we're 100% supposed to suspend disbelief about how he could have survived getting flung into the sea in the middle of the night." And we do. And we get rewarded for it.

Regarding antagonists - a big focus of any setup - the show is deliberately weak. The one with the most screentime is Izzy, and he's purposefully ineffective at separating our main couple. Every antagonist is keyed to a particular character, and they function mostly to inform us of that character's flaws and development requirements. The Badmintons tell us about Stede's repression and feelings of inadequacy, and Izzy tells us about Edward's directionless discontent and tendency to avoid his problems. Effectively - the show is taking the stance this will be a character driven narrative where Stede and Edward's flaws are the source of problems and development the solution. No person or empire (or social homophobia) is separating them...

...which leads me to something not present - there nothing really about the struggle of piracy against the Empire. Looking at Curse of the Black Pearl... we see piracy is in danger. The Black Pearl itself is described as the last great pirate threat the British Navy needs to conquer. Hangings are omnipresent - Jack is sentenced to die by one almost as soon as he's introduced to the story, when his only act so far had been to wander around and save Elizabeth from drowning. OFMD tries to invoke this kind of struggle in 2x08, but there's no foundation. Our Navy antagonists are Stede's childhood bullies, and so focused on Stede the crew isn't even in danger when they get caught. The Republic of Pirates is getting jokes about being gentrified, not besieged.

Even the capture of Blackbeard by the Navy is treated as a feather in Wellington's cap but not a huge symbolic blow against piracy... because we just do not have that grand struggle woven into Act 1. You only know the "Golden Age of Piracy" is ending if you google it, or have watched a bunch of pirate shows.

Overall, a solid Act 1, well adapted to the kind of story they've said they were looking to tell - a romance in the (silly-fied) age of piracy, instead of a pirate adventure with a romantic subplot.

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Now, Sidebar - Where is the story going?

The thing about the dramatic question - in OFMD's case: "What is Stede and Edward's happy ending?" - is that a) there's normally more than one question bundled up in that one + sideplots, and b) while you aren't supposed to have the answer yet, you can usually guess what needs to happen to give you the answer.

Back to our examples... Luke's driving question is "Will the Empire be defeated?" Simple. Straightforward. Also: "Will Luke become a Jedi?" The eventual climax of our story from there is pretty obvious... the story is over when Luke wins the war for the Rebellion in a Jedi way. That's the goal that they are working toward.

Pirates of the Caribbean is a bit more complicated. We're juggling more characters and have a less defined heroic journey, but there are driving questions like "Is Jack Sparrow a good man?" and "Is Will Turner a pirate / what does that mean?" and even "Will the British Navy defeat piracy?" They get basic answers in Curse of the Black Pearl, and far more defined ones in At World's End. Still, this is another plot-driven narrative. They've laid the foundations for the Pirates vs Empire struggle, and when that final battle turns into the trilogy climax then you know what's happening.

OFMD is not doing a plot-driven narrative. To judge how they are doing at their goals, we have to ask what they think a happy ending entails in a character sense.

Clearly it's not the classic romantic sideplot, where the climax is the first kiss / acknowledgement of feelings. They've teased a wedding in Word of God comments a lot, so that's probably our better endpoint. Specifically, though, a wedding where both of our protagonists aren't ready to flee from the altar (big ask) and where they've both grown enough that their flaws / mutual tendencies to run away from life problems won't tank the relationship.

In Stede's case it's still massive feelings of inadequacy and being too repressed to talk about his problems. Also he ran away from his family to chase a lifelong dream of being a pirate - "Is Stede going to find fulfillment in being a pirate captain, or will the real answer be love?" Edward meanwhile expresses a desire to quit piracy and retire Blackbeard, but we also find out he's struggling with massive self-loathing and guilt from killing his father - "Is retiring what Edward wants to do, or is he just running away?"

If they are going to get to a satisfying wedding beat at the climax of their story, what character beats do we need to hit in advance?

Off the top of my head - both characters need to self-realize their flaws (a pretty necessary demand of anyone who runs away from problems). They are set up to balance each other well, but also to miscommunicate easily. They have to tell each other about or verbally acknowledge that self-realization so it can be resolved. Stede has to decide how much being a pirate means to him. Edward has to decide if he's retiring and what he wants to do. They both need to show something to do with getting past their childhood traumas given all the flashbacks. Through all this, they also need to hit the normal romance beats that convince the audience they are romantically attracted to each other and like... want to get married.

Oh, and this is more of a genre-specific sideplot, but once they demonstrate a behavior that hurts the people who work for them, they need to then demonstrate later how it won't happen again. Proof of growth, which is kind of important in a comedy where a lot of the humor is based in them being massively self-centered assholes. Stede doesn't earn his acceptance in the community until he kicks Calico Jack off the ship, making up for causing the situation with Nigel in the first episode. A workplace comedy can get a lot of material from the boss as the worker's antagonist, but if you want the bosses to stay sympathetic you have got to throw them some opportunities to earn it.

All that sounds like a lot, but like - the relationship is the story, right? If we spend so much time on establishing flaws big enough to drive a story, we also have to spend time on fixing them. Which is where the turning point hits.

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Act 2: How it Starts

This is where the full story reality-checks your protagonist. Glad you saved your boyfriend and embraced new love in Act 1, but his repressed guilt means he's about to completely ghost you, and your own abandonment issues and self-loathing are about to make his dick move into everyone else's problem.

Again, it's a non-conventional choice OFMD has this start at the very end of S1 rather than with a sudden dark turn in the S2 premiere, but it's still pretty clearly that point in the Three Act Structure.

In Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back opens with a timeskip to our Rebellion getting absolutely crushed and hiding on a miserable frozen planet. The Empire finds them as the plot is kicking off and they have to desperately flee. They get separated. Han and Leia try to go to an ally for help and end up in Vader's clutches. It's a sharp turn from the victorious note that A New Hope ended on.

Pirates of the Caribbean's Act 2 starts dark. Dead Man's Chest opens with our happy couple Will and Elizabeth getting arrested on their wedding day for the "happy end" escape of the last movie. Jack has not been having success since reclaiming his ship, and we'll soon find out he's being hunted by dark forces. As for the general state of piracy, we get a horrifying prison where pirates are being eaten alive by crows, and a new Lord Beckett making the dying state of piracy even more textual. "Jack Sparrow is a dying breed... The world is shrinking."

The key here is making a point that our heroes aren't ready. This is the struggles part - things they try? Fail. The odds do not look to be in their favor.

Now, OFMD apparently decided to go all-in on flaw exploration, especially with Edward. The first 3 episodes of S2 are brutally efficient in outlining Edward's backslide. In S1 you could see he had issues with guilt and feeling like a bad person. S2 devolves that into a destructive, suicidal spiral where Edward forces his crew into three months of consecutive raids, repeats his shocking act of cruelty with Izzy's toe offscreen (more than once!), escalates it with his leg, and finally they state directly that Edward hates himself for killing his dad so much that he fears he's fundamentally unlovable and better off dead.

Stede's struggles are subtler, but most definitely still there. He's deliberately turning a blind eye to tales of Edward's rampage, half from simply being too self-centered to care about the harms Edward causes others, and half from being unable to face or fathom that he had the ability to hurt Edward that much. Upon reunion he wants to put the whole thing behind them, not addressing why he left in the first place. Very "love magically fixes everything" of him, except Stede is no golden merman.

Interestingly, here, BlackBonnet's relationship dysfunction has very clearly been having a negative impact on the surrounding characters we care about. Make sense, since it's the driving force of the story, but that also adds a lot more relationships we need to make right. Like... Edward is the villain to his crew. The show focuses on their trauma and poisoned relationships with him. And then draws our attention even more to Stede taking his side to overrule their objections to him.

For a story where the conflict and required resolutions are primarily character based, and the setup had already given the main couple a good amount to work with, dedicating a lot of S2 to adding more ground to cover was... a choice. Potentially very compelling on the character end, certainly challenging on the writing end... but not a complete break with the structure.

Bold, but not damning.

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Act 2: How it Ends

Now it is true that Act 2 tends to end on a loss. Luke is defeated by Vader and loses his hand, and Han has been sent away in carbonite. Jack Sparrow for all his efforts cannot escape his fate, and he and the Pearl are dragged to the locker.

But the loss is not the point. The loss is incidental to the point.

Act 2 is about struggles and failure, but it's also about lessons learned. There's a change that occurs, and our cast - defeated but not broken - enters the final act with the essential skills, motivation, knowledge, etc. that they lacked in the beginning.

Luke Skywalker could not have defeated the Empire in Return of the Jedi until he'd learned the truth about his father and resisted the Dark Side in The Empire Strikes Back. (Ok, confession, I'm using Star Wars as an example because literally everyone is doing so, but frankly it's a better example of formulaic Three Act Structure repeating within each movie because on a trilogy level - relevant to this comparison - it is a super basic hero's journey in a very recognized outfit and as such the Act 2 relevance is also... super basic "the hero tries to fight the antagonist too early" beat where he learns humility. Not really a lot going on. So, for the better example...)

Dead Man's Chest has a downer ending with the closing moment of the survivors regaining hope and a plan against an enemy now on the verge of total victory - a classic Act 2. But in that first loss against Davy Jones we get Will's personal motivation and oath to stab the heart, Jack finally overcoming not knowing what he wanted and returning to save them from the Kraken (being a good man), Elizabeth betraying Jack (being a pirate), Barbossa's return, and Norrington's choice to bargain for his prior life back. The mission to retrieve Jack from the World's End is the final movie's plot, but things are already on track to turn the tables back around as we enter the finale.

Now, relevant sidenote - one major difference between Three Act Structure within a single work vs across three parts is that Act 2 continues into Part 3, and only tips over into Act 3 about midway through. This is because obviously your final movie or season cannot just be the climax. That's why both movie examples start with a rescue mission. They have to still be missing something so they can get the plot of their third part accelerating while they go get whatever that something is.

But if you wait until the 3rd movie / season to get the development going at all - you're fucked.

Jack's decision in the climax of At World's End to make Elizabeth into the Pirate King goes back to the development we saw in the Pearl vs Kraken fight in Dead Man's Chest. So does Elizabeth's leadership arc. Will's whole arc about becoming Captain of the Dutchman gets built upon in the third movie, but it starts in the second. Not just as an idle thought - he's actively pursuing it. Already consciously weighing saving his father vs getting back to Elizabeth as soon as he makes the oath. Everyone is moving forward in Act 2. Their remaining development might stumble for drama, or they might be a bit reluctant, but I know that they know better than to let it stick, because they already faced their true crisis points.

I'm not sure we can say the same about OFMD.

S2 does a good job of adding problems, yeah, but there's not really any movement on fixing them. Our main couple stagnates in some ways, and regresses in others.

Stede opened Act 2 by running away in the middle of the night back to his wife without telling Edward anything. We know he did it because of feeling guilty and his core childhood trauma of his dad calling him a weak and inadequate failure. Now in S1 he actually speedruns a realization of his shitty behavior with Mary, but what about S2? Well...

He continues to not talk to Edward about... pretty much anything. My guy practiced love confessions galore but Edward only finds out about going back to his wife via Anne, and it gets brushed aside with a love confession. He seems to think Edward wants him to be a dashing pirate, or maybe he just thinks he should be a dashing pirate. Idk, it doesn't get examined. Regarding his captaincy, they give him an episode plot about Izzy teaching him to respect the crew's beliefs, but this is sideplot to a larger arc of him completely overruling their traumas and concerns (and shushing their objections) to keep his boyfriend on the ship so. That.

Stede kills a man for reasons related to his issues, shoves that down inside and has sex with Edward instead of acknowledging any bad feelings. At least this time Edward was there and knows it happened? Neither Chauncey's death nor his dad have been mentioned to anyone. He gets a day of piracy fame that goes to his head, gets dumped, and ends on a complete beat down by Zheng where he learns... idk. Being a boor is bad? He's still wildly callous to her in the finale, and spends the whole time seeking validation of his pirate skills. He reunites with Edward, kisses, and quotes Han Solo.

Where S1 ended on a great fuckery, his S2 naval uniform plan after they regroup is ill defined except to call it a suicide mission - and we don't get to see what it would have been because it devolves into a very straightforward fight and flee. And gets Izzy killed. Quick cut funeral (no acknowledgement of his S2 bonding with Izzy), quick cut to wedding (foreshadowing), quick cut to... innkeeper retirement? Unclear when or even if BlackBonnet discussed Stede's whole driving dream to be a pirate and live a life at sea, but I guess that got a big priority downgrade. Despite the fact he was literally looking to Zheng for pirate-based compliments in the post-funeral scene.

I guess he's borderline-delusionally dogged in his pursuit of love now - so unlikely to bolt again - but he's also got at least a decade of experience mentally checking out in a state of repression when he's unhappy. And he's stopped being as supportive and caring toward the crew in that dogged pursuit, while arguably demonstrating a loss in leadership skills, so, um, good thing someone else is in charge?

And if Stede is a mess, Edward's arc is so much worse.

As established, they devote the Kraken to making Edward worse. He literally wants to kill himself and destroy everyone around him in the process because Stede left, and this is fixed by... Stede coming back. That's it. The crew tries to murder him and then exiles him from the ship (and Izzy takes the lead on both, indicating exactly how isolated Edward has become), but it's resolved in half a day by Stede just forcing them to put up with his boyfriend again. Like they think he murdered Buttons and still have to move him back in???

The show consistently depicts Kraken Era as a transgression against the crew, but they also avoid showing Edward acting with genuine contrition. He admits he historically doesn't apologize for anything, and then mostly still doesn't. It's a joke that he's approaching probation as a performance (CEO apology), and then the only person he genuinely talks to is Fang - the one guy cool with him - and the only person who gets a basic "sorry" is Izzy - the guy he really needs to be talking to. Edward's primary trauma is guilt, but apparently he only feels it abstractly after all that? He's only concerned with fixing things with Stede, despite Stede being about the only person around who hurt him instead of the reverse.

Speaking of primary traumas, Edward hating himself doesn't really go anywhere after the beat of self-realization. Apparently Stede still loving him is enough of a bandaid to end the suicide chasing, but he doesn't like. Acknowledge that. Edward is maybe sorta trying to go slow so he doesn't hang all his self-worth on Stede again (you can speculate), but they a) absolutely fail to go slow, and b) he doesn't make any attempt to develop himself or another support structure. Just basically... "let's be friends a bit before hooking back up." And then we get the whiplash that is Blackbeard and/or retirement.

Kraken Era is Blackbeard but way worse, like no one who has known Blackbeard has ever seen him. In the Gravy Basket Edward claims he might like being an innkeeper, before destroying his own fantasy by having the spectre of Hornigold confront him over killing his dad. The BlackBonnet to Anne & Mary parallel says running away to China / retiring makes you want to kill each other - burn it all down and go back to piracy. Stede rightfully points out prior retirement plans were whims. Edward gets sick of the penance sack after a day and puts his leathers back on to go try "poison into positivity". But also claims to be an innkeeper (look - two whole mentions!) when trying not to send children to be pirates after teaching them important knife skills.

Killing Ned Low is a serious, bad thing that prompts ill-advised sex and then going hardcore into retirement mode - leathers overboard, talk about mermaid fantasy, get retirement blessings from Izzy, end up dumping Stede for a fishing job instead of talking about how he's enjoying piracy. The fishing job, however, is also a bad thing and a stupid decision because Edward is a lazy freeloader fantasizing about being a better person. We have an uncomfortable, extended scene of "Pop-Pop" weirdly echoing his abusive dad and then sending Edward to go do what he's good at - disassociate, brutally murder two guys, fish up the leathers, rise as the Kraken from the sea. He continues with comically efficient murder but also he's reading Stede's love letters and seeking to reunite with him so... wait, is this a good thing? Post makeout / mass slaughter he's trading compliments on his kills with Zheng so. Yeah. Looks like it. Murder is fine.

Wait, no, skip ahead and Izzy is dying and Edward suddenly cares a whole lot as Izzy makes his death scene about freeing Edward from Blackbeard. Now being a pirate was "encouraging the darkness" because Izzy - a guy who had little to no influence over Edward's behavior - just couldn't let Blackbeard go. Murder is bad again, and he is freed. Minus the little detail that the murder he explicitly hates himself over was not related to Blackbeard or piracy whatsoever, so presumably haunts "just Ed" still. Anyway he's retiring to run an inn with Stede now, as the "loving family" Izzy comforted him with in his dying moments sails away from the couple that can best be described as the antagonists of their S2 arc. Also Edward implicitly wants to get married. It's been 3 days since making out was "too fast". He's still wearing the leathers.

So most of the way through Act 2 and Edward's barely on speaking terms with anyone but Stede, who he has once again hung his entire life on really fast? Crushing guilt leads to self-hatred leads to mass murder and suicide, but only if he's upset so just avoid that. He's still regularly idealizing Stede as a non-fucked up golden mermaid person (that maybe he personally ruined a bit) because he barely knows the guy. His only progress on his future is "pirate" crossed out / rewritten / crossed out again a few times, "fisherman" crossed out, and "innkeeper ?"

Just.

Where is the forward movement?

It's not just that the inn will undoubtedly fall apart - it's that the inn will fall apart for the near-exact same reasons that China was going to at the beginning of Act 2, and I can't point to anything they've learned in the time since that will help them. I guess Stede realized he loved Edward enough to chase after him, but that was in S1! They should be further than this by now. You can't cram another crisis backslide, all the Act 2 development, and the full Act 3 climax into one season. Certainly not without it feeling like the characters magically fix themselves.

If they just fail and keep blindly stumbling into the same issues because they don't change their behavior, then Act 2 doesn't work. You're just repeating the turning point between Act 1 & Act 2 on a loop.

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Where Did They Fuck Up?

Actually... lets start on what they did right.

The one consistent aspect of S2 that I praised and still think was done well in a vacuum (despite being mostly left out of the finale) was the crew's union-building arc.

With only 8 episodes and more to do in them than S1, side characters were going to get pinched even if the main plot was absolutely flawless. That was unavoidable. With budget cuts / scheduling issues, we regularly have crew members simply vanish offscreen outside of one scene, meaning cohesive arcs for your faves was not likely. Not to say they couldn't have done better - my benefit of the doubt for the TealOranges breakup and Oluwande x Zheng dried up about when I realized he was literally just her Stede stand-in for the parallel - but something like Jim's revenge plot from S1 was realistically not on the table without, like, turning half the crew into seagulls to afford it.

The union building works around this constraint really well. They turn "the crew" into the side arc, and then weave Izzy's beats in so that they aren't just about Izzy. The breakup boat crew working together to comfort each other and protect him turns them into a unit, and Stede's crew taking it upon themselves to address the trauma vibes while the captains aren't in the way solidifies it across all our side characters. The crew goes to war with Stede's cursed coat and wins, they Calypso their boss to throw a party, and they capitalize on a chance to make bank with an efficiency Stede could only dream of.

We don't get specific arcs, but Frenchie, Jim, and Oluwande are defaulted to as leaders in just about every situation, and Roach is constantly shown sharing his inventions with different characters. Individuals can dip in and out without feeling like the sideplots stutter. Any sense of community in S2 is coming from this arc - even if there are cracks at the points where it joins to other storylines (Stede and Edward, Zheng, etc.)

So why does it work? Well, because it's a workplace comedy, and you can tell they are familiar with working on those. They know where the beats are. They know where to find the humor. They know how to build off of S1 because they made sure the bones were already there - an eclectic group of individuals that start as just coworkers, but bond over time in the face of their struggle against an inept boss who they grow to care for and support while maintaining an increasingly friendly antagonism because, you know, inept boss.

OFMD does its best work in S2 when it's being true to its original concept... and its worst work when it seemingly loses confidence in its own premise.

"The show is the relationship," right? It's a romance set in a workplace comedy. The setup of Act 1 was all about creating a character-driven narrative. So given that... where the hell are we getting the dying of piracy and a war against the English Navy?

That's not a character-driven romcom backdrop, it's an action-adventure plot from Pirates of the Caribbean or Black Sails. It's plot-driven, creating an antagonistic force that results in your characters' problems. Once the story is about the fight against the Empire, the dramatic question becomes the same as those adventure stories - "Will the British Navy defeat piracy, and will our protagonists come out the other side of the battle?"

Forget the wedding. The wedding is no longer the climax of the story, its back to the happy ending flash our romantic subplot gets after winning this fight.

Except, of course, trying to pivot your story to a contradictory dramatic question near the end of Act 2 can be nothing short of a disaster, because either you were writing the wrong story until now, or you've completely lost the plot of the real one. I shouldn't even be trying to figure out if they are doing this, because it should be so obvious that they wouldn't.

And yet.

What do the Zheng and Ricky plots add to the story if not this? Neither of these characters have anything emotionally to contribute to Stede and Edward - they truly are plot elements. It's a hard break from the S1 antagonist model, but it also takes up a lot of valuable screentime. This was considered important, but still Zheng's personality and motivation only gets explored so far as it's an Edward-Stede-Izzy parallel with Oluwande and Auntie, and they only need the parallel for Izzy's genre-jumping death scene. Which follows a thematically out-of-left-field speech about how piracy is about belonging to something good (workable) and how Ricky could never destroy their spirits (um...?). And then David Jenkins is pointing to it and saying things about "the symbolic death of piracy" and speculating S3 might be about the crew getting "payback"??? An idea floated by Zheng right before our temporary retirement, btw.

Fuck, the final episode of S2 didn't have time for our main couple to talk to each other because it was so busy dealing with the mass explosion of Zheng's fleet and Ricky's victory gloat. We get lethal violence associated with traumatic flashbacks until they need to cut down enemy mooks like it's nothing, at which point we get jokes with Zheng. The Republic of Pirates is destroyed outright, and it feels like they only did it because they got insecure about their "pirate story" not having the right kind of stakes. Don't even get me started on killing a major character because "Piracy’s a dangerous occupation, and some characters should die," as if suspending disbelief on this aspect makes the story somehow lesser, instead of just being a fairly standard genre convention in comedy. Nobody complains about Kermit the Frog having an improbably good survival record.

Did someone tell them that the heroes have to lose a battle near the end of Act 2, so they scrambled to give them one?

Just... compare the wholly plot-driven struggle in 2x08 to Stede and Edward's character-focused storylines in 1x10 and tell me how 2x08 is providing anything nearly as valuable to the story. Because I can't fucking find it.

At best they wasted a bunch of time on a poorly integrated adventure plot as, like, Zheng's backstory or something, and just fucked it up horribly by trying to "step up" the kind of plot they did for Jim. In which case the whole thing will be awkwardly dropped but damage is done. Otherwise, they actually thought they could just casually add a subplot like this because they've done something wildly stupid like think "pirate" is a genre on the same level as "workplace comedy" and can just trample in-universe coherency while you draw on other media to shore up their unsupported beats.

Bringing us to the most infuriating bit...

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"...end the second season in a kinder spot."

If this was the goal, the entire season was written to work actively against it in way that is baffling and incompetent.

The really ironic thing is that the reason that the Act 2 part typically gets a downer ending is because of the evil empire that OFMD did not have to deal with until they pointlessly added it. A plot-driven story has an antagonistic force - a villain - that the heroes need to defeat. Something external working against them. The story ends when they beat the thing, and it's not much of a climax if they do most of the defeating before you get there. Ergo, they have to be outmatched up to the climax. Ergo, the second part cannot end on them feeling pretty comfortable and confident going into the third.

The same rules do not apply in the same way to a character-driven arc.

We already established Edward and Stede declaring their love is not the end of the story. Nor, necessarily, is both of them confidently entering a relationship. Even once they've developed a bunch they will have to show that development by running into the kinds of problems that would have broken them up before and resolving them better.

David Jenkins keeps talking about this idea that S2 is getting a hopeful open ending and S3 will get into potential problems, and like... I don't see any reason why they couldn't have done that successfully. They didn't, but they could've.

If S2 grew them enough as characters and then had them agree to try again in the last minute of the finale, they absolutely could have had a kind and hopeful ending where you were confident they could do it. And then a potential S3 can show that. It's a bit rockier than they were counting on, but they have learned enough lessons to not break up. And then the overall plot can build to proposal (start of Act 3) and wedding (the romantic climax). It doesn't have to be a blow out fight to be emotionally cathartic.

(Hell, the main rockier bit that they overcome in the S3 Act 2 portions could be marriage baggage. I'm sure they both have some. It would work.)

In the same way focusing on our character's long term flaws and character-driven conflict makes an Act 1 "happy ending" more difficult, I suspect it makes an Act 2 "happy ending" easier.

Instead they wrote an Act 2 that failed to convincingly start development and got confused on its direction, and then presented a rushed finale ending in a copy of the predictable disaster from S1 as though it's a good thing. They yanked the story at least temporarily into an awkward place where a romcom is trying to sell me on a bunch of serious drama / adventure beats that it has not put the work into, and inviting comparisons to better versions of those same beats in other, more suited media that make it look worse. The need to portray everyone as reaching happy closure overrules sitting with a major character death and using it for any narrative significance, while still letting it overshadow those happy endings because a romcom just sloppily killed a major character with a wound they've literally looked into the camera and said was harmless.

If I'm being entirely honest, Dead Man's Chest ends effectively at Jack Sparrow's funeral and then cuts to the British Navy obtaining a weapon of mass destruction, and it still feels kinder and more hopeful just because I leave with more faith the characters are actively capable of and working toward solving their problems.

OFMD S2, in contrast, has half-convinced me our main couple would live in a mutually obsessed, miscommunication-ridden horror story until they die.

---

Additional Reading

Normally I link stuff like this in the post, but that requires more excitement than I'm feeling right now. Here's my alternative:

Where I thought they were going with Edward - really outlines the mountain of character development they still have unaddressed

Where I thought they were going with Izzy - touches on a lot of themes that might be dead in the water & also context that's still probably relevant to why Izzy got a lot of focus in S2

My scattershot 2x08 reactions

An ask where I sketched out the bones of this argument, and another where I was mostly venting about the fandom response

This one, this other one, and this last one (read the link in op's post too) about genre shifts and failure to pull them off

The trauma goes in the box but it never opens back up - the whole point of Act 2 is that they needed to start opening shit like that - and also they focus so much on needed character growth and so little on following through

They can't even carry through on character growth that we got last season???

Why Izzy's death feels like Bury Your Gays ran smack into shitty writing

EDIT: Oh and this post is REALLY good for outlining the lack of change in way less words than I did

#our flag means death #ofmd #ofmd s2 #ofmd s2 spoilers #ofmd meta #three act structure #character arcs #blackbonnet #genre #blackbeard ofmd #stede bonnet ofmd #my meta #ladyluscinia #ofmd critical

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sh00kspeared · 1 month

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Can we talk about Johnny's bi erasure in-game? Because really, it makes me kinda mad.

Now, I'm not the kind of person who shouts 'homophobia' at everything because it's just not my way of things... but the amount that Johnny's attraction to men has been completely shafted throughout the game is really a disservice to him and to all the people who ship their male characters with him. A few examples:

Cutting or making really hard to trigger the line where Johnny says he got a lap dance from a man at a gay strip club (I've seen some people claim they experienced it, which is why I think it may still be in the game)

Johnny saying he didn't sleep with Kerry because he had a dick despite the official, director-sanctioned game guide saying that he did.

Johnny telling female V that the two are arguing "like an old married couple", yet telling male V that they're arguing "like two geezers on a park bench." (Johnny's definitely not the kind of guy to change his language depending on the gender of person he's with).

Never, ever alluding to any of his flings with male characters outside of the strip club line despite him saying that he did swing both ways now and then.

Now, why do I care so much about this? Because it's really sparked more debate than necessary. This post got hate for making him "gay" Cyberpunk 2077 on X: "Johnny Silverhand 🎤 Art by: @painperdues https://t.co/ABiBzSCZvm" / X (twitter.com) and so did this one Cyberpunk 2077 on X: "V and Johnny, Johnny and V… By: @hanbyeo0526 https://t.co/JlGNBmRYJH" / X (twitter.com) (I believe some of the comments have been deleted since because I don't see a lot of the meanest ones there anymore). Mind you, after the latter was posted, a fem V x Johnny post was made not too long afterward and it got markedly fewer hate comments. Also, funny story, my old male V x Johnny post is the third most controversial post of all time on r/lowsodiumcyberpunk at the moment (please go downvote it if possible; I wanna be first again lmao /hj).

But, all this to say, much of the playerbase sees Johnny as an alpha straight manly man when he's... well... not. While many people including me assume that the choice to keep his bisexuality under wraps is due to his addled memory in Mikoshi misremembering the fact that he canonically slept with Kerry, I just think this is a really odd thing to use to demonstrate that. Of all the things the devs could've chosen to display this, they chose one of the things that is most likely to get male V x Johnny shippers belittled and seen as the 'lesser' version of the ship for just existing.

They chose to erase a massive part of Johnny's identity, either to prove the point of his memories being addled or because they were scared of backlash. I just don't see how it would've been so hard for him to allude to some of his male flings more often, make the dicky twister line easier to trigger, and just not have him say that he didn't sleep with kerry because he had a dick. Ffs CDPR, stop being so dodgy your bi characters' identities.

#tw vent #tw rant #cyberpunk 2077 #johnny silverhand #silverv

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likeadevils · 2 months

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okay it seems like we’re picking up new cult members tonight and i need to tell yall about a man named sir richard owen

so i first stumbled upon him when i was trying to find out what platypus milk tastes like. you would think this would be easily googlable. surely, swiftie tumblr is not the first person to wonder about this, and surely some youtuber, or at least a zookeeper, has tried it and told the tale

to this motherfucking day the only first hand account i could fine was from one sir richard owen in 1832. EIGHTEEN THIRTY TWO. “okay,” i think. “it’s not like platypus milk has dramatically changed taste sense the 1800s. this strange, but still relevant data.”

but no. no. this motherfucker did not sample milk from a wild platypus. he did not sample milk from a captured platypus. dear reader, he did not even sample milk from a living platypus. this motherfucker sampled milk from a taxidermied platypus shipped from australia to england in the 1830s, which means it had at best been dead for months. (for the record, he described it as “drops of a yellowish oil, which afforded neither perceptible taste nor smell, except such as was derived from the preserving liquor”)

after months of platypus milk cult nights, i finally crack and look at this guys wikipedia page. what follows are my favorite qoutes, fun facts, and other miscellaneous bullshit

richard owen coined the term dinosauria, now dinosaur.

he helped create the natural history museum in london, the first of its kind

he once hosted a dinner party inside a giant concrete dinosaur

“Owen was granted right of first refusal on any freshly dead animal at the London Zoo. His wife once arrived home to find the carcass of a newly deceased rhinoceros in her front hallway.”

there is a very large section of his wikipedia page dedicated to his personal beef with charles darwin. not included in that section, his statue in the natural history museum of london, a museum that he opened, was replaced by a statue of charles darwin

“Owen has been described by some as a malicious, dishonest and hateful individual. He has been described in one biography as being a "social experimenter with a penchant for sadism. Addicted to controversy and driven by arrogance and jealousy".”

“An Oxford University professor once described Owen as "a damned liar. He lied for God and for malice".”

“Richard Broke Freeman described him as "the most distinguished vertebrate zoologist and palaeontologist ... but a most deceitful and odious man"”

Charles Darwin called him "Spiteful, extremely malignant, clever; the Londoners say he is mad with envy because my book is so talked about"

He claimed that he was the discoverer of the iguanodaun, when really it was this other guy, gideon mandell. richard published an anonymous paper talking shit about gideon and used his sway in the field to ensure that none of gideon mandalls papers were published in the royal society.

“Owen also resorted to the same subterfuge he used against Mantell [against Charles Darwin], writing another anonymous article in the Edinburgh Review in April 1860. In the article, Owen was critical of Darwin for not offering many new observations, and heaped praise (in the third person) upon himself […] Owen did praise, however, the Origin's description of Darwin's work on insect behavior and pigeon breeding as "real gems".

this is what he looked like

#txt*

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jubileemon · 2 months

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Ichigo and Orihime's Relationship Analysis

Ichihime is both an extremely popular pairing in the Bleach fandom but also a very controversial one, as the rival ship, IchiRuki, is just as popular. As a result, the community was divided over the decision to pair them together and for Rukia to be paired with Renji. Nonetheless, it appeared that creator Tite Kubo had planned for these romantic outcomes from the start.

Ichigo and Orihime's relationship makes sense because they share a deep bond that developed over time. Orihime's unwavering support and understanding complement Ichigo's personality, creating a connection based on mutual trust.

Their Relationship

Orihime had first met Ichigo under tragic circumstances, as she took her severely injured brother to a clinic that Ichigo’s father owned and watched him die there. By the time they started high school, Orihime had already developed an interest in Ichigo and was even teased for this by her best friend, Tatsuki, who was also friends with him. She would sometimes fantasize about him in comedic ways. Their relationship is often very sincere and wholesome. Ichigo is normally quick to annoy and can be seen arguing with others, but when it comes to Orihime, he is much kinder and gentler.

He is even indulging of her silly nature and will act comical with her from time to time. Ichigo showed no apparent feelings for her, but became flustered and stated she was perhaps showing a bit too much when she wore revealing clothing in front of him, unaware that she only did so to attract his attention.

Orihime's Confession

Orihime is very kind to Ichigo but can be submissive to her own feelings for him. She feels very jealous due to Ichigo’s close friendship with Rukia, and admitted this to Rangiku who comforted her about her feelings.

Orihime's confession to a sleeping Ichigo in Bleach is an important moment in the series. This happens during the Hueco Mundo arc when Orihime, feeling a sense of despair and the weight of her past trauma, decides to express her feelings for Ichigo.

Orihime's character carries the emotional burden of losing her older brother, Sora, and her past experiences with bullying. This trauma had an impact on her personality and emotional well-being. Her confession to Ichigo reflects her vulnerability and the deep emotional struggles she faces. Choosing to confess while Ichigo is asleep shows Orihime's internal conflicts and hesitancy to face the potential consequences of her feelings.

Orihime struggles with feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem, likely stemming from her past experiences with bullying. This could have hindered her confidence to openly express her romantic feelings to Ichigo. Orihime is highly perceptive of Ichigo's emotions and priorities. She might have been aware of his complex and challenging battles, understanding that expressing her romantic feelings could create additional emotional burden for him.

Ichigo's Love for Orihime

Ichigo's feelings in Bleach are often portrayed through subtle actions and expressions rather than explicit blushing. Some subtle hints to Ichigo's feelings for certain characters, like Orihime, include:

Protective Instincts: Ichigo consistently shows a strong desire to protect those he cares about, especially Orihime. This protective nature can be interpreted as a sign of deeper feelings.

Emotional Concern: Ichigo demonstrates genuine concern for Orihime's well-being. His emotional responses to her struggles and moments of vulnerability suggest a connection that goes beyond friendship.

Prioritizing Her Safety: In critical situations, Ichigo often prioritizes Orihime's safety, indicating a special place she holds in his life.

Facial Expressions: While Ichigo may not blush overtly, subtle changes in his facial expressions during certain interactions, particularly with Orihime, can hint at underlying emotions.

Shared Silences: Sometimes, the absence of words between Ichigo and Orihime speaks volumes. Their shared silences and meaningful glances contribute to the subtlety of their relationship.

These subtle hints collectively build a narrative of Ichigo's feelings without relying on traditional blushing cues, making his emotions more nuanced in the context of their relationship.

Hueco Mundo Arc

Throughout the story, particularly during the Hueco Mundo arc and beyond, there are numerous instances that imply Ichigo's growing affection for Orihime. His actions, protective instincts, and emotional responses towards her suggest a deeper connection that evolves beyond friendship.

Orihime's fear of Ichigo's Hollow side during the Hueco Mundo arc is a poignant moment in Bleach, but there are valid reasons to defend the portrayal of this her shock. Orihime's fear is a realistic emotional response to witnessing Ichigo's transformation into his Hollow form. The Hollow side represents a powerful and menacing force, and Orihime's fear is a natural reaction to the sudden change in Ichigo.

Ichigo's Hollow mask symbolizes the darker, more primal aspects of his nature. Orihime's initial fear and later acceptance of this mask symbolize her understanding and acceptance of all facets of Ichigo, even the ones he considers monstrous.

Resonance and Connection

The concept of resonance is a recurring theme in Bleach, particularly in relation to Ichigo and Orihime's connection. Their souls resonate with each other, symbolizing their deep emotional bond and shared experiences. This resonance serves as a driving force in their relationship, allowing them to understand and support each other on a profound level.

Resonance also implies an understanding that goes beyond verbal communication. Ichigo and Orihime often comprehend each other's feelings and thoughts without the need for explicit expression, showcasing an intuitive connection.

In the Thousand-Year Blood War arc of Bleach, the relationship between Ichigo and Orihime undergoes significant developments amidst the intense battles and heightened stakes. As the Quincies threaten the Soul Society, Ichigo's protective instincts come to the forefront, and Orihime stands by his side, unwavering in her support. Orihime's steadfast commitment to Ichigo is evident as she provides support during the challenging battles. Ichigo, in turn, draws strength from Orihime's presence, showcasing the depth of their connection.

Happily Ever After

In the final chapter of Bleach, the envisioned future for Ichigo and Orihime comes to fruition, depicting a significant shift in their lives. Orihime, no longer alone, finds comfort and companionship with Ichigo by her side. Ichigo, once characterized by a degree of cynicism, has undergone a positive transformation, reflecting personal growth and a more open-hearted demeanor.

This concluding chapter provides a glimpse into the peaceful and fulfilling life that Ichigo and Orihime have built together. The challenges and conflicts from earlier arcs have given way to the quiet joys of family life. The presence of their son Kazui not only signifies the continuation of their lineage but also shows the love that define the Kurosaki family. Ultimately, the final chapter serves as a heartwarming conclusion to Ichigo and Orihime's journey, showcasing their growth as individuals and as a couple.

#relationship #manga analysis #analysis #shipping #ichigo x orihime #ichigo kurosaki #bleach orihime #orihime inoue #ichihime #bleach #bleach ships #bleach ichigo #romance #love story #anime thoughts #anime and manga

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delusinaldreamer19 · 21 days

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Sebaciel vs. Dadbastian, an analytical essay (not really)

Oh boy am I excited and terrified to start this discussion.

I’m just going to say right off the bat that I am absolutely biased towards one interpretation of Sebastian and Ciel’s relationship over the other, that being Dadbastian. However, my goal is not to criticize, but to analyze and point out the differences and, yes, correlations between the two versions of their relationship.

I’m going to start off by making a disgustingly blatant assumption about the reason why I believe both of these pairings exist in the form of a theory...Both the idea of Sebaciel and Dadbastian are coping mechanisms taken on by fans of the series to grapple with how dark the character’s canonical relationship truly is.

Now, I can’t speak for how much this really applies to Sebaciel shippers, as I am not one. But it certainly applies to me as someone who enjoys the idea of Dadbastian.

Let's start with the correlations that support this theory. Both of these concepts are versions of Sebastian and Ciel’s relationship that is more positive than it actually is. The plot of black Butler revolves around the fact that Ciel sold his soul to the demon he named Sebastian, and that upon their contract's completion Sebastian will kill Ciel and consume his soul as compensation. It’s a relationship that is predatory, manipulative, and just simply toxic for a plethora of reasons. While the manga is still ongoing so we have no definitive way of knowing exactly how their story will end, I don’t think it's controversial to say that it's very unlikely to have a happy ending.

Even so, black butler is a comfort series for many, including myself. But how is that possible?

By looking at the series as a whole and the characters through different lenses. A pro and con of black butler is that it’s very easy to interpret in many different ways, and the same applies to the relationship between Sebastian and Ciel.

I’d say there's 2 to 3 main ways that people have interpreted their relationship. In no particular order… - As it is in the series, where it’s strictly based on business and mutual benefit. They work together so that Ciel can get his revenge and Sebastian gets his soul. - Them being friends / frenemies - A ship, where they have romantic feelings for each other. (I’m not going to be discussing how people ship them for sexual reasons, as that's a topic for a different day.) - And Parental, where Sebastian serves as a father/mother (no I'm not specifying which) figure towards Ciel. I'm focusing on the latter two, obviously.

There’s one commonality between these two interpretations; Sebastian caring about Ciel (and vice-versa, but you'll see in a moment why that's not as relevant). There is loving nature to both, but romantic and parental love are not the same thing. So why, baseline, do both these versions exist?

My thought is that they both remove the main cause of distress in their canon relationship. Which is, you guessed it, Sebastian. More specifically his feelings/intentions towards Ciel. By creating scenarios where something changes his intentions of ultimately killing Ciel, it creates the illusion that there's a possibility that the series could have a happier outcome in the end, and a happy ending for Ciel.

Which brings in a new idea. Ciel, being the main character that we follow, despite having his own complex character, serves as the…how should I put this…automatic ‘self-insert’ for people. He goes through/has gone through trauma & struggles that people can relate to and see themselves in. That's why there is a strong desire to see him have a positive outcome through these two different relationships with Sebastian, because as a reader/viewer it will feel like we ourselves are experiencing that positive outcome.

See? Coping mechanism : )

Now here's where things get tricky…Discussing the differences between these two types of relationships. Ok, I could probably find a way to say this that's long and fancy, but I’m just going to be super straight forward. This is as an absolute read, I apologize :’) People ship Sebaciel because they want someone to love them, where they picture themselves as Ciel with Sebastian as the one loving him romantically. People like the idea of Dadbastian because they long for a parent's affection, where they picture themselves as Ciel being cared for by Sebastian.

Now, this is definitely just a theory, and absolutely not the only reasons why people come up with and enjoy each of these interpretations. But the Dadbastian one most definitely applies to me.

Here’s where my own opinion comes into play. Only one of these relationships is really ‘positive’ in nature. Both of these relationships when applied to the canon would be problematic in their own ways, but when looking at it outside of the context of the series and its plot, a parental relationship between Sebastian and Ciel, a thirteen year old boy and an adult figure, is more healthy than a romantic relationship between a thirteen year old boy and an adult figure. Please don’t make me explain why :’)

I’m really hoping this reaches the right audience. I’m not trying to start a war or offend anyone, just share my thoughts and an outlook that I haven’t really seen from the black butler fanbase before.

#black butler #kuroshitsuji #sebastian michaelis #ciel phantomhive #I don't really want to tag this as Sebaciel or antiSebaciel #I'm trying to pretend I'm neutral on the topic #but I'm not so #antisebaciel #please don't tear me to shred's #I have enough anxiety #analyses #“essays”

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marvel-starwarsfangirl · 3 months

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BB Season 3 Title Speculations

Just my theories as to what could happen based on the episode names.

"Confined"- This will be strongly Omega and Crosshair centric. I think a lot of clips, including the ones from the trailer where they see each other and the leaked clip, will take place in this episode. It's clear that Crosshair is at his all time lowest so it can only go up from here. We probably will see a glimpse of Hunter and Wrecker, but the name suggests a strong focus on Omega and Cross. This is pre-time jump btw based on Omega's hair. We might also get that Palpatine scene of him saying how important Hemlock's work is as well.

"Paths Unknown"- this gives me strong Hunter and Wrecker vibes. I think it's safe to say that this episode will focus on what the two have been up to since Omega's capture and Tech's "death." Hopefully, we'll see a bit of Rex and Echo as well. However, I feel like this will be more of the boys trying to pick themselves up and find out any info on Omega. We might also see the scenes of them talking to Rex.

"Shadows of Tantiss"- again, this sounds very Omega and Crosshair centric. The use of the word shadows indicate dark times for the pair as Hemlock's control tightens and Cross presumably retreats even further within himself. Maybe this is the episode where we get the time jump since the word "shadows" could mean that time has passed since we last saw the pair.

"A Different Approach"- This could mean two things: either Cross and Omega try a new way to escape or Hunter turns to bounty hunters to help. In the trailer, Fennec is visible with Hunter and Wrecker when they take that boat in the swamp.

"The Return"- this episode name could have a double meaning like the last one. The most obvious one is that it's the return of Crosshair. We know that he and Omega potentially escape and crash land in a ship. I have a theory that they'll both make it out, however, Omega gets captured again, sacrificing her freedom for Crosshair's. Another meaning could be the return of Ventress. It makes sense since she's a pretty big character within the animated shows. I think that we'll meet her on Teth. However, I'm unsure.

"Infiltration" and "The Extraction"- these two episodes seem to go hand in hand. I'm not sure what could happen based on the trailers. Maybe the Batch has to go somewhere to retrieve information or an item for a mission. Maybe that turbo tank chase is during these episodes because Phee comments "not exactly a stealth exit boys." However, I think that could actually be the episode "Juggernaut." Since this is a two-parter, I speculate that we might also see bounty hunters after the Batch.

"Bad Territory"- this episode feels more mission-y based because of the name. It sounds like the Batch are going to a planet where hijinks ensue and they wind up in trouble. It could also mean the return of bounty hunters like Cad Bane or clone assassins but who knows.

"The Harbinger"- now this is where things get interesting. At its most basic definition, a harbinger is person or thing that signals the arrival of something, a herald so to speak. I think this is the episode where we see the mysterious imperial take front and center. Maybe he's a harbinger of doom that the Batch have to out maneuver. Or maybe the Batch receive a warning that Omega's life is truly in danger and they need to act fast. It could also be the episode with CX-1. He does warn (the Batch I assume) that they're being hunted.

"Identity Crisis"- my theory for this episode only makes sense if Tech is the one under the mysterious imperial's mask. This episode could very easily apply to Cross and Ventress as well. However, if it's Tech that's under the mask, then it this title makes perfect sense. He's fighting the imperial programming while the others try to bring him back. But Tech's survival is controversial so I can't confidently say that this will happen

"Point of No Return"- this feels like an ultimatum type of episode. The Batch know that what they're going to do will lead to their demise or survival, including Omega's. On the other hand, this could be the episode where Pabu gets invaded. If that happens, then it tells the Batch that there's no turning back for them; they have to save Omega and stop Hemlock or else they will lose more of what they care about. The Empire took enough from them; now, the clones prepare their final stand.

"Juggernaut"- I think this is episode where we get the turbo tank chase. We know that Cross, Hunter, and Wrecker are together again along with Phee. Alternatively, someone suggested that Wrecker dies in a giant explosion based on the name "juggernaut," but I'd rather not think about that.

"Into the Breach"- according to Google, this phrase means that a person steps up to do a task when someone is unable to do it or there's no one else available. This raises questions: who's stepping up? What task is being conducted? I hate to be that guy, but it's possible we might see Echo or someone die. Think about it: one of the Batchers or an ally gets badly hurt trying to do something and someone else steps up. The episode is a big fanfare of things that go boom and epic music as the task is completed but at a grave cost.

"Flash Strike"- this feels very action heavy. There are many clips near the end of the trailer showing the Batch hijacking ships and troopers fighting/being shot at. On google "flash strike" can refer to workers going on strike without notice. This episode is probably where we see the clone rebellion truly begin to act out against the Empire and Tantiss.

"The Cavalry has Arrived"- the grand finale of it all. It's poetic that the final chapter in the story about a group of special clones is titled after their very first line in their very first appearance in Clone Wars. Like the Batch arriving on Anaxes to help the Jedi and Rex, I think this episode will be the full culmination of the clones' stand against the Empire. We will see the Batch reunited and Omega will be saved... but at what cost? If this show parallels the OT (which I think it is), then we probably will get a happy ending. However, I'm leaning more towards it ending with just Crosshair and Omega left.

Anyways, these are just my theories and speculations. Feel free to share any theories about the episode titles down below. And one quick note about the poster: Hunter's helmet kinda mirrors Jesse's in the final episode of Clone Wars. It's probably symbolizing the end of an era for the clones as a whole. Spooky.

#star wars #the bad batch #tbb omega #tbb crosshair #tbb hunter #tbb tech #tbb wrecker #tbb echo #captain rex

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gaystan · 11 months

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PRESENTING ME AND @11x13kyle's FIRESIDE CHATS WITH KYLE AND ERIC AKA NICHE INTERNET MICROCELEBRITY AU:

cartman and kyle host a podcast called fireside chats with kyle and eric that’s basically just red scare, cartman is dasha and kyle is anna

they're constantly beefing with each other on twitter and some people are convinced it's staged to promote the show but kyle just hates cartman That Much

a majority of their listeners are just there for the occasional mention of their batshit childhood experiences amongst all the terrible political takes

like "umm i don't wanna hear this insane opinion on al gore i want to know more about how you guys swear that he tried to get you to help him kill manbearpig when you were 8"

fans wonder if these events are true or if they're enabling each other's schizophrenia

cartman is always saying the worst reactionary things while kyle's takes are deceptively normal until he hits them with one that makes listeners go hey WHAT?

kyle resents being called a reactionary but cartman LOVES it, wears the label like a badge of pride

there is CONSTANT discourse about whether or not cartman's antisemitism is ironic or not, with the reasoning "why would kyle be friends with him if it was genuine," and kyle regularly takes to twitter to say "IT IS NOT IRONIC."

kyle peaks the mic multiple times an ep yelling at cartman, says they'll edit it out in post, never gets cut because neither of them can edit

reddit posts go up are after every episode giving timestamp warnings for when kyle gets super loud

cartman has a christian music era, gets tradcath allegations and does little to discourage them

there are people who rpf ship kyman. cartman knows about this and tweets at fans asking them to send him fic recs

secretly jacks off to them

has a bit where he gives a shout out to his favorite kyman fic of the week and kyle breaks the mic every single time screaming at him

he posts unbelievably cringy "ironic" thirst traps to his instagram story at night and "ironic" drag pictures but the outfits and makeup are too good to be a joke

he also posts pictures of butters in bed with like bites on his neck to brag about getting hot tail but it's also just as unsexy

this is how he accidentally comes out, he was so distracted by the need to flex that he forgot he's still trying to beat the gay allegations

the "ironic" kyman fic jokes stop being funny

butters is adam friedland and kenny is the girl he cheated with

the butters show is cohosted with dougie and part of the alt right pipeline

stan is kyle's offline boyfriend in a B list rock band and wears fireside merch on stage sometimes

this includes the isis shirts which he swears up and down he didn't know were isis shirts

deeply apolitical by choice so whenever kyle talks to him about podcast stuff he nods along like whatever you say honey

he still listens to it he just tunes out of the political talk

the day his fans find out he's gay is the biggest day for them since his 2021 single hit the hot 100

everyone analyzing his old lyrics like oh my god. this was about a MAN. it all makes sense.

kenny is a twitter microceleb and socialite, much like with cartman controversy is part of the brand

gained thousands of followers over the butters cheating discourse

thirst tweets about kyle and they're secretly unironic

comes on fireside and rates youtubers he's slept with, kyle is disgusted and cartman is delighted

chapo trap house is craig and those guys

#it was so hard to narrow my favorites down like i said this went on for hours #south park #more cartman centric than i expected but i mean. Come On #suggestive #jic #a personal favorite #microceleb au

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cosmerelists · 7 months

Text

Who is the In-Universe Audience for Tress?

[Spoilers for Tress of the Emerald Sea!!]

This list is dedicated to the person at the DragonCon Tress panel who asked this question of the panelists and did NOT receive a good answer (or really any answer at all), in my opinion. So for you, friend, I went ahead and reread Tress and tried to collect all of the evidence about the identity of the audience that Hoid is telling the story to. Has this already been done on Reddit or other forums? Undoubtedly yes but I just wanted to see what I could discover on my own. Here are my findings!

My theory: Hoid is telling the story to a group of apprentice storytellers on the planet First of Sun. Some Rosharans are also present...or maybe just Sigzil. Allow me to explain each part of my answer!

1. Hoid is telling the story (but to an audience who also knows him as Wit)

This we know because he literally identifies himself as Hoid the cabin boy...but he also makes a couple of Wit-related puns, including:

"And with it went my sense of humor, my sense of decorum, and my sense of self. The last one stung the most, since it appears my sense of self is tied directly to my wit. I mean, it's in the name."

"Everyone can use a little more Wit in their lives."

This suggests the audience knows him both as Hoid and as Wit. More on that later!

2. The setting: First of Sun

Wherever the story is being told, it's a place with oceans made of water that have sea creatures (these things must be specified in a Cosmere setting). Hoid often alludes to the audience's familiarity with ships, including:

"Now, I know that on your planet, steering a ship isn't that big a deal."

"I know that sailors fear storms on your planet. It's common among almost all seafaring cultures I've met."

"As I've mentioned, on your planet, you may be accustomed to the helm position on the ship being relatively unimportant."

"But you come from a world where things live in the water."

That it is specifically the First of Sun is suggested by two quotes in particular:

"I can understand why you would want tales of people like Linji, who tried to sail around the world with no Aviar."

"Yes, like the speaking minds inhabiting the ships you've seen landing on your planet."

Aviars are native to First of Sun, and we learn in Sixth of the Dusk that space ships have visited that world.

3. The audience is a group of people

This actually came as a huge shock to me, as it's only revealed near the end, as far as I know. Hoid suddenly says:

"A sailing ship is a strange thing to control--I'm sure some of you know."

Some of you! Some of you?! So the audience is not a single person, but a group of people.

4. But there are also people from Roshar present...or maybe just Sigzil

Now, this may be controversial. But it seems possible that the audience also includes off-worlders, from Roshar and maybe from Scadrial as well. Certain references certainly suggest a Rosharan frame of mind:

First, there is the fact that they know him as Wit, which is Hoid's Rosharan incarnation

Second, there is this line: "Well, now that is a gemstone that truly glitters, friend." Perhaps there are big glittery gemstones on First of Sun too, but that sure seems like a Rosharan idiom.

Third, there is this line: "I assume you have no idea what a Luhel bond is....Unlike the Nahel bond, which trades in consciousness and anchoring to realty, the Luhel bond trades in physical matter." The Nahel bond is how surgebinding works on Roshar, and Hoid assumes the audience knows what that is.

It's possible that only Sigzil is present, and that Hoid keeps making asides to him, which would be pretty cute, to be honest.

5. Maybe Scadrial is represented too??

As for Scadrial, well...there's just the fact that Hoid calls himself a Worldbringer:

"Worldbringers like myself spend decades combing through folk tales, legends, myths, histories, and drunken bar songs looking for the most unique stories."

"Worldbringer" is a Scadrian term; the Rosharan equivalent would be "Worldsinger." This might not mean anything about who's present--perhaps Hoid is spreading the notion of Worldbringers to other planets like First of Sun. But I wanted to raise it as an interesting possibility.

6. The audience is comprised of apprentice storytellers

It becomes clear at the end that the people Hoid is talking to want to learn to be paid for telling stories:

"With a few tips, he wasn't so boring after all. Secretly, I'll tell you that you aren't either. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to lower your value. Don't trust them. They know they can't afford you otherwise."

This suggests that his audience want to learn to not be boring and to be paid to tell stories--so apprentices then, perhaps. Hoid also indicates that this audience knows him, and are not just a random crowd he gathered for the occasion:

"It's called the transitive property of ineptitude, and it's the explanation for anything you've seen me do wrong ever."

Hoid refers to other planets casually, suggesting an audience that wants to learn about other cultures and places, another key aspect of being a Hoid-style storyteller:

"Compared, for example, to the depth of the Lilting Abyss on Threnody, the spore seas are practically ponds."

So! That's my theory: Hoid is using the Tress tale to train a group of would-be apprentice storytellers on First of Sun, and maybe Sigzil or other Rosharans are there too.

What do you think??

#cosmere #cosmerelists #Tress of the Emerald Sea #Tress of the Emerald Sea Spoilers #ssp1 spoilers #ssp1

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endzithefangirl · 8 months

Text

Public Transport

Authors note: I don't know how I even came up with this.... In a lot of pain right now, so I made this to cope with the pain

Summary: After being called 'a Mandalorian no more', you try to help your Mandalorian on the public transport starliner.

Warnings: The obligatory English isn't my first language, no use of Y/N, female reader honestly kind of fluffy-it's domestic stuff, real cute

Word count: 4.2k

You could tell that Din was hurt. The Armorer has deemed him 'a Mandalorian no more'. And all because two years ago he took off his helmet in front of you and Grogu. And now, two years later, he just got you back, but lost his people. Not to mention that the Razor Crest was at Peli's in pieces. You walk around the city, headed for the public transport starliner. You are headed to Tatooine to see how Peli is doing with fixing the Razor Crest. You and Din have barely spoken since he told you what happened with the Armorer. You don't want to push him to speak. You have Grogu in his wrap on your chest as you walk towards the public transport ship. Something starts beeping as Din walks up.

"You are going to have to remove your weapons"A protocol droid told Din

"I'm a Mandalorian, weapons are a part of my religion"Din said clearly annoyed. After some back and forth with the Droid, Din reluctantly put all of his weapons in a box, including the controversial darksaber.

You sit in the public transport starliner, a family of Rodians in front of you. You look at Din. He's still hurt by what the Armorer said. You don't pressure him. Instead, you look around in awe. You've never been on a public transport ship.

The journey from Coruscant to Tatooine is a peaceful one, and although you try to be considerate towards your wounded companion, he can see the curious spark behind your eyes. As you take in the surroundings, he looks over at you, the mask hiding his emotions, but his eyes showing a little surprise. “You’ve never ridden a starliner?”

"No. It's so big. And there's so many people!"You say, your eyes looking around like little kids. Your enthusiasm is endearing, so Din leans in closer, lowering his voice. “Well, a little hint from a veteran. If you don’t want anyone sitting next to you, just cough a few times, really loudly, and watch the entire area clear out.”

"Yes because people haven't been avoiding sitting next to us because of your Armor"You say with a slight smile. The hint of humour sends a smile across Din’s face, a subtle reminder that this Mandalorian knows how to loosen up, even just a little bit. He looks over at you. “This is still all so new to you, isn’t it?”

You nod as you see a droid come up next to you

"What would you like to eat?''The droid said. Grogu's ears perked up at the sound of food. You look at Din. Your expression is half confused and half excited...

“What do you think, little one?” Din asks Grogu, who starts nodding his head enthusiastically. “Two orders of fried bantha nuggets, two slices of bantha bacon, and 4 blue milks, please,” the Mandalorian says. The droid gives you the food. Grogu stares at it, eyes wide and full of excitement. The droid continues on to the next customers. You take Grogu out of his wrap and get him situated to eat

"Do you pay more for the food?"You ask Din, not knowing the answer. Din watches you as you set Grogu up to eat, smiling slightly as he watches you interact with his little companion. He glances back down at his food before replying to your question. “It’s all included, if that’s what you mean. They give us all a meal with our tickets.

"Really?!"You say. You put the plate in front of Grogu, making sure to only put bite sized regulated portions in front of him. You swear this baby would eat a live Bantha if it could. Grogu looks up at the plate of food with a wide smile, eyes shining, just waiting to get his little hands on that bantha bacon. Din reaches out a hand, grabbing one of the nuggets and bringing it down to Grogu, where he holds it out to him, watching in amusement as the little one leans in and takes a big bite out of the piece of fried meat.

"Can I eat it too?"You ask.

Din smiles as he sets some fried bantha nuggets in front of you on your plate. “Here you go. But be careful, it’s hot,” he says, keeping a close eye on Grogu, whose mouth is full of hot, crunchy goodness. Grogu and you eat in silence. You make sure that Grogu doesn't spill or eat too fast. Grogu doesn't like the fact that you're not letting him eat everything in one go, but he doesn't complain as he sees that he's still getting the food. Din just looks at you, not saying anything. Before you know it, your plates are clean, and Din is gathering up your empty dishes. The two of you sit there in comfortable silence, Grogu looking up at you with that same smile as before. He reaches up to your face, grabbing one of your cheeks. “Grogu,” he says, trying to get your attention.

Grogu looks at Din.

Din doesn't like that he has to be the 'bad cop' parent, whilst you get to be the 'caring' parent. But Din doesn't know how much Grogu actually loves him and looks up to him. Grogu looks at Din, wondering what his father doesn't like now. Grogu gives Din a look that says 'why can't I poke my mother?'.

As Grogu keeps poking at your face, Din leans in and places his hand on top of the little one’s head, moving him away from you. Grogu makes a noise of disapproval, and Din turns to you to offer some sort of explanation. “We don’t touch people without their permission, little one,” the Mandalorian says, now sounding a lot more serious than before. Grogu makes a noise that seems to mean something along the lines of, 'But it’s my mother!'

Grogu looks at you, trying to get you to side with him. As you're giving the empty plates to the droid, you turn back to Grogu, knowing exactly what he meant

"Grogu, listen to your father."You tell your little green monster

Grogu makes his disapproval known with a loud pout as he leans against you, holding onto you while he sticks his tongue out in Din’s direction. Din gives his little charge a stern glare, making it clear to the little one that he will not be swayed.

"Grogu...''You warn. Now, Din is always scolding him. For his own good of course. But Grogu knows that if you scold him, then he has to listen. You don't do it often, you're more willing to let the little womp rat do what he wants as long as he's not hurting himself. Grogu backs down, giving his father an apologetic look. Then he looks at you as if to ask if he can poke you.

"Yes, you can poke me. Thank you for asking"You tell him, following the parenting strategy his father is trying to use. Grogu smiles softly and pokes at one of your cheeks with a giggle. Din glances over at you, trying not to let the small smile reach his face. He knows you have a soft spot for the little one, and is impressed by the way you’re being more strict about his behaviour. When he’s about to look away, you catch him looking at you, and although he tries to hide it, there’s a slight red tint to his cheeks.

"Are you okay?"You ask him. You know he's hurt by the leader of his people calling him 'a Mandalorian no more'. You can see it hurts him. You want to make sure he's okay. And if he's not, you want to be there for him.

“I’m fine,” Din says, keeping his voice steady, although some hesitation can be heard in his words. There is little question that the decision made by the Armorer has hurt the Mandalorian, despite his claims to the contrary. He glances over at you and Grogu, before looking back out of the window, trying to find any distraction for himself in the outside world. You put your free hand, the one not holding Grogu, on his hand. You say nothing. It's just to reassure him. To say: I'm here for you. To say: You are no less of a Mandalorian to me. The touch of your hand feels both tender and familiar. With Grogu on your other side, Din can feel himself surrounded by the two most important people in his life, and it makes his heart beat a little faster. He takes off the glove of that hand and holds your hand. He doesn't do more. He goes back to looking out the window. You decide not to push further. You let him have a bit of space. He needs it.

His hand feels comforting in yours, warm and yet rough from the hard work he puts into his weapons and armour. It’s not your first time holding his hand, but the warmth of it seems much more noticeable to you. Din still hasn’t looked back your way, letting silence stretch out between the two of you. We sit in silence for a while. It wasn't tense or awkward. Suddenly, a little kid from the Rodian family in front of us turns around. He waves at Din. Din looks at the kid, and then turns back to the window. Grogu waves at the kid, clearly wanting to make friends. You smile at the kid too

Din is visibly tensing up as the Rodian family’s child tries interacting with him. His grip on your hand tightens, and it feels like there’s a lot more pressure now. He’d rather not interact with strangers, but he doesn’t want to seem rude either. As Grogu sees the Rodian child waving at him, he starts to bounce up and down a little, trying to get the Mandalorian’s attention.

"Excuse me?"The Rodian mother turns to ask us

"Yes?"You answer. You want to allow Din to keep in his thoughts, so you shall leave him to himself and deal with the friendly family by yourself. Grogu looks over at the Rodian boy with an expression of excitement and anticipation, clearly wanting to meet him and get the chance to make friends. When the boy’s mother asks something of you, you can feel Din tighten his grip on your hand just a little bit.

“Is it alright if our son goes over to yours and says hello?” the Rodian woman asks.

"Oh uh... Sure. As long as he's gentle."You say. You see the little Rodian boy get out of his seat and come to our side. Grogu moves to play with the little Rodian. Thankfully, the Rodian boy is gentle and doesn't seem to cause problems. Grogu is absolutely filled with excitement as he gets the chance to meet a new friend. Din watches as the two of them move over to each other, Grogu using the few words of Rodian he still remembers to try and communicate with his new friend, while the Rodian boy is amazed by the little creature standing in front of him.

“Your little one is adorable,” the Rodian mother says with a smile, trying to compliment you and your son.

"Oh thank you! What's uh your son's name?"I ask the Rodian mother politely

“His name is Rodo,” the Rodion woman replies proudly, looking down at her little son and smiling, a mixture of pride and love clear in her eyes. Grogu is trying his best to communicate with the little Rodian boy, but isn’t able to put his words together in a way that allows them to communicate the best they could. Nevertheless, he still seems overjoyed at the chance to make a friend.

"Oh"You turn to the little boy "hi Rodo. Thank you for being gentle with my little one" You say to the Rodian boy

Rodo smiles up at you, and Grogu leans in to hug the little boy, who hugs back and smiles. Din stays quiet in the background, his mind a mystery to you at this moment. You glance back to check on him, but he still seems withdrawn, not wanting to get involved with all the socialising. The Rodian mother calls her child back to her. Rodo and Grogu wave at each other, big smiles on both the boys faces

"Thank you for letting him say hi. He was so interested in you little one"The Rodian mother said. Then she glanced back at Din

"Oh no problem. He's very well behaved"You compliment the mothers parenting

The Rodian mother thanks you for your kind words, and although Grogu doesn’t fully understand what’s being said, that doesn’t stop him from smiling widely when you and Rodo wave at each other. Grogu looks up at you with such a happy and innocent expression, and you know that no matter how tough things might seem, you’re always going to have love in your life. Din looks away, avoiding you, but you’re more than used to seeing his closed off side. He seems a little more relaxed, but still not very talkative.bThe Rodian mother seems to want to engage in conversation with you. You don't mind as long as they don't bother Din. Maybe it's just two parents chatting?

The Rodian woman seems to be a naturally talkative person. The type who just enjoys communicating with others. She starts asking you questions about your home and about Grogu, with your answers filling the silent air between you two. Din sits quietly in the background, looking out of the window and avoiding the conversation.

“And I don’t mean to be too nosy,” the Rodian woman says, “But why are you two travelling alone? Why isn’t your husband here?”

"Oh uh I'm not travelling alone"You tell her.

You don't have a husband, but... You guess the closest thing to that is Din. The Rodian woman gives you a funny look, but you decide not to mention the fact that you aren’t actually married to the man sitting in the corner. “Well, where is he then?” she asks, with a slight confusion in her tone.

Din seems annoyed by her line of questioning, and you are almost able to feel that tension in him as he turns to look out of the window, trying to distance himself from the conversation.

You subtly point to Din, trying not to loop him into the conversation. The Rodian mother looks at the Mandalorian, whose eyes are still glued to the view out of the window. He doesn’t say anything, and his body language makes it clear that he doesn’t want to join the conversation. “Him?” The woman asks, giving a confused look.

"Uh yeah" You say hoping she won't ask too many questions

“Ah. And is he your husband?” The Rodian mother asks.

"Yes"You say not having time to explain the complicated unlabeled relationships between your 'family' members.

“Huh” the woman looks at Din strangely, pointing to him as he's still looking away from the conversation, clearly not interested in engaging. “Oh, alright then,” the Rodian woman says, deciding to move on to the topic at hand. She looks at the little Rodian boy, whose eyes are filled with admiration as he looks at Grogu. “So, your little one here,” the Rodian woman says, referring to your own son, “How old is he?” She asks.

"Uh... Two"

Technically 52. But you can't say that. Mentally you guess Grogu is two...

“Ah. And how come he’s so small for his age?” the Rodian woman asks, clearly not entirely aware of the more bizarre aspects to Grogu’s aging. All she’s going off of is what it looks like from the outside. You know that Grogu is much more than two years old, and his size is a direct reflection of his species and their biology.

"He's a... Different species. They are smaller"

The Rodian woman seems to accept your reasoning as she nods again. “Well, he’s adorable,” she says, her tone filled with a bit of amusement. She looks over toward Grogu, who is trying to communicate something to Rodo, with the two of them clearly having trouble getting their point across to each other.

"Thank you"The Rodian family turns around after that and continues their conversation in their language. You run to Din, noticing that he kept his hand gloveless.

You take his hand again and don't say anything. You just rub the back of his hand in reassurance

With Grogu safely in your care, you have a moment alone with Din. As soon as you rub your hands against his, he glances over at you and gives you a smile, clearly appreciating the gesture. He shifts his hand to rest on top of yours, his fingers gently holding your hand in place. While his expression remains stern, there’s something about that small moment between the two of you that feels almost intimate.

"How are you doing?"You whisper to your 'husband'

"I'm fine." His voice sounds tired, and he looks away from you to avoid eye contact, but something about the way he holds onto your hand reveals a vulnerability in his expression. You can tell that he's not in the best of moods, but he doesn't seem to want to talk about it in detail.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," Din says without hesitation. His grip on your hand tightens a little bit, and he seems more than a little bit tense. "It's nothing."

"Okay. I won't force you. I just... I want you to know that this doesn't change anything, to me at least. You're still my Mandalorian. You always will be."You tell him quietly. Din doesn't look back to you, but you can tell that he heard what you had to say just by the brief, subtle softening of his expression. He's always valued your feelings, and hearing you voice support for and reassurance for him is always something that makes him feel better.

"Thanks." His voice is soft, and it seems like he genuinely appreciates the kind words you just told him.

You keep gently rubbing his hand, not trying to pressure him into talking more. You rather just let him know that you still love him. You play with Grogu a bit, as well as let him jump over to play with the Rodian boy again. Din doesn't seem to mind the things around him, but every time you let go of his hand for a second to help Grogu, he almost grabs your hand again. It's his quiet way of saying 'don't leave me'. And you won't. You take his hand again each time. Din’s grip on your hand seems to be somewhat of a reflex at this point, his body automatically reaching out for you every time it doesn’t feel your presence there. He seems relaxed as you play with Grogu and the Rodian boy, though he doesn’t join in on the play despite you trying to include him. He’s always been a bit antisocial, even when it comes to playing, and he’d much rather see you and Grogu happy than worry about him.

After a few hours, you are about half way on your journey. You need to take Grogu to the bathroom

"Is there a bathroom here? I need to change Grogu."You ask Din. You're not sure if public transport starliners have bathrooms, it is your first time on one.

“Yeah, there’s a bathroom by the back,” he says, pointing to the back wall.

"Okay, I'm going to go with Grogu, we'll be back in a few minutes"You tell him. You let go of his hand and take Grogu to the bathrooms. Suddenly the Rodian boy turns back. He waves at Din, but Din barely acknowledged it

"Excuse me sir?"The Rodian told Din

Din looks over at the Rodian child, whose smile turns to confusion when he sees the Mandalorian looking at him with an annoyed expression on.

"Uh... yeah?" Din asks, clearly not wanting to talk to the little boy. The boy seems a little hesitant to interact with Din. "Your wife is so pretty!" Rodo said with a giggle

Din could tell that the young Rodian waited for you and Grogu to leave, probably too scared to say it in front of a pretty woman.

Din's face softens as the boy mentions you, and he lets out a quiet chuckle. "Thanks," he says to the young Rodian, although there feels like a bit of hesitation in his voice. The Rodian boy seems a bit surprised that the Mandalorian isn't angry at his compliment, but he seems thankful for the more positive reaction. The Rodian boy turns back to his seat, and then silence hits again. With the Rodian boy safely back in his seat and far away from him, Din sighs, finally calming down a bit. He looks over to you and Grogu, who seem to be having fun together by the bathroom. A small smile crosses his face, and as you both walk back to the seat, his hand comes out to take yours again.

Grogu waves at his dad from across the aisle.

With Grogu out of the bathroom, and Rodo safely back in his seat, Din finally settles back down, and his body seems to relax again, though not fully. He leans his head against the headrest and closes his eyes, seemingly wanting to take a break from everything for a while. You and Grogu sit back down and Grogu gives you a look.

"Ask your dad if it's okay."You tell the little one

Grogu pulls at his dad's arm, clearly wanting something. Din opens one of his eyes to look at Grogu, trying to see what the little boy wants. Grogu is clearly trying to get Din’s attention, and he seems like he wants something. Din looks at you, wondering what you think he could want, a little bit of trepidation in his expression.

"He wants to give you a hug, but I remember you are strict on teaching him to ask permission before touching."

Din nods, his stern expression softening for just a moment. He looks at Grogu, then slowly nods again.

“Sure,” he sighs, “He can come over here.”

Grogu smiles, looking a little happier at getting his father’s approval. He gets up from his seat and runs over to Din, holding his arms out as he wants a hug. You look at your boys for a moment.... Din taking Grogu and letting the little womp rat hug him

Grogu pulls away and then goes back to you. Uou look at Din, a smile on your face. Din finally relaxes, his expression returning to normal. He leans back into his seat, sighing, and you wonder what’s on his mind. He looks over at Grogu, who is hugging you and rubbing against you, clearly wanting his father to pay attention to him. Grogu reaches his free hand over to Din, wanting to also interact with him. Din looks at Grogu’s small and adorable hand for a moment, then he reaches out his hand to gently caress Grogu’s cheek.

"I'll try to follow your parenting techniques. I promise"You tell Din

Din looks over at you, his expression revealing just how appreciative he is of your willingness to follow his parenting techniques and ideals.

“Thanks,” he says, his soft voice sounding much less stern, and his eyes having a slightly softer look to them, “I know you’ll do great.” You see Din's hand move away from Grogu and then grab your hand again. He puts it back on the armrest, holding your free hand. You don't complain, in fact you continue rubbing the back of his hand.

"He's so cute when he sleeps''You quietly comment a little later on, as the green baby sleeps on your lap. Din looks over at Grogu, feeling his chest warm as he sees the little boy sleeping peacefully against you. “He is.” His voice sounds a little softer, and he stares at Grogu for a moment before looking back at you. “He’s cute most of the time.” His voice has a little bit of a teasing tone to it, which causes Grogu to shift and open one of his eyes.

"Hey, don't let him fool you too. One of us has to be able to resist his cuteness, or we'll spoil him too much...." Din laughs, looking back at you. You see Grogu look over to you with an adorable smile on his face, and he lets out a cute little laugh.

“Yeah, I think it’s a little too late to resist his cuteness.” Din looks over at you and smiles softly. “You’re right, though. He’s a little cutie, but he’s also very misbehaved. Spoiling him will definitely not end well for any of us.”

"You're better in that department. You're the strict parent. I'm too much of a softie...."

“But you’re also his mother. Grogu needs and loves your affection and love, just as much as he does mine.” Din glances over at Grogu again, and Grogu’s look changes as he reaches a hand up and touches Din's chin.

“He knows he can be cute and get himself out of trouble,” Din says with a small smirk. “But he really can’t resist a hug from you.”

"I love him so much"

“I know,” Din says, giving you a genuine, soft smile. “I do too… And I love you…”

#din djarin #din djarin x reader #the mandalorian x reader #the mandalorian #the mandalorian fanfiction #the book of boba fett

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from-memphis-with-love · 22 days

Text

Songbird - Ch. 3 - Dinner and a Show

Summary: Valerie and Elvis grow closer. Note: Okay, so there is controversy over whether Elvis actually ate peanut butter and bacon on sandwiches. Some people say he ate peanut butter, bacon, and banana sandwiches all the time. Others say it was just peanut butter and banana. And some (Ginger Alden) said he didn't eat them at all. You decide. Nevertheless, I wanted to include him eating peanut butter and bacon on sesame rolls here just as a fun little Elvis tidbit for the story. Suspend your disbelief, everyone! Word count: 7,800 Warnings: Infidelity; subtle references to sex

My eyes snapped open, heart pounding like a jackhammer. Remnants of last night's fever dream clung to my skin—searing touches, smoky whispers, the ghost of a kiss that almost met my lips. Holy mother of God, did that really happen?

I fumbled for my nightstand, nearly knocking over the glass of water I never got around to drinking. There it was. The ticket to his midnight show. Glossy and real and indisputable proof that I, Valerie Pedretti, professional nobody, had somehow captured the attention of the most famous man on the planet.

Equal parts giddy thrill and sheer pants-shitting terror. Good lord, what was I thinking, playing pattycake with Elvis freaking Presley? A very much married Elvis freaking Presley. I groaned into my pillow. I needed to call Deena pronto before having a complete meltdown.

The phone only rang twice before she picked up, voice fuzzy with sleep. "Val, hon, it's ass o'clock in the morning. This better be good—"

"Trust me, Dee, it is.” I took a deep breath, suddenly unsure of where to start. “I’m not coming home just yet. I’ve decided to extend my stay here for a little while.”

That woke her up. I could practically hear her sitting bolt upright in bed, her curiosity piqued. "Oh? You get a callback for that Sinatra gig?"

I hesitated, biting my lip. Fuck it, no use lying now.

“I maybe kind of sort of accidentally seduced a celebrity last night."

Dead. Silence. Then an earth-shattering shriek. "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"

I winced, holding the receiver at arm's length. "Yep. I'm in deep doo-doo, Dee."

"Deep doo-doo?! More like the motherlode! Valerie, you little minx! How'd you manage a thing like that? I want every lurid detail. Emphasis on lurid."

I laughed, flopping back against the pillows. Leave it to Deena to skip straight to the good stuff. "I can't give you all the details yet. But let's just say he's someone we've both heard of. I'll give you three clues. Very famous, very talented, and very, very handsome."

And very married. I of course neglected that little tidbit. If Deena knew, she’d blow her top. Understandably so.

She made a sound like a teakettle boiling over. "You're killing me! You can't just drop a bombshell like that and not give me a name! Landing a whale like that..." She paused, thinking. "Wait... is it Sinatra? Dean Martin? Joey Bishop? Oh honey, please don’t tell me it’s Liberace. You know he doesn't go for—"

"Sorry, Dee, my lips are sealed," I said, trying for coy and mysterious but probably missing the mark by a country mile. "Loose lips sink ships and all that jazz. And I don’t wanna jinx this. I can’t be too... eager."

Deena huffed out an exaggerated sigh. "Fine, keep your secrets, you incorrigible tease. But I'm telling you, Val, when an opportunity like this falls into your lap, you gotta strike while the iron's hot, if you know what I mean."

I couldn't help it, I burst out laughing. "Why Deena Jane Lovelace, are you trying to corrupt me? I feel like I should be clutching my pearls."

"I’m serious Val, you deserve to let loose and have some fun for once in your life. Live a little! Sow some wild oats! Ride that stallion till you break the saddle!"

"Deena!" I mock-gasped, giggling like a loon. "You're terrible!"

"You mean I'm right," she shot back, a smile in her voice. "I know you. You've got a bad habit of getting in your own way when it comes to men. Always overthinking, always holding back. Always tying yourself down to some jerk who isn’t good enough for you..."

I stopped laughing and chewed my lip.

Deena's voice gentled. "Oh honey. Are you worried about that chump again? Because I will fly to Vegas and smack you upside the head myself. That boy is staler than last week's bread and you know it."

Oof. Andy.

In the midst of all the Elvis-induced giddiness, I'd almost forgotten about my on-again-off-again boyfriend. Luckily, right now we happened to be more off-again, which meant I was technically free to do whatever this was that I was doing.

Unbidden, an image of him popped into my head. Sweet, goofy, going-nowhere-fast Andy. If I squinted, his Arby's visor almost looked like a crown. Almost. Andy was... well, he was Andy. A burger-flipping, belch-ripping goofball who could always make me laugh, even when I wanted to strangle him. He was comfortable, familiar, uncomplicated. As exciting as a lukewarm bath.

She wasn't wrong. Ugh.

But Elvis… Elvis was pure electricity. He made me feel reckless, alive, like I could conquer the world in heels and a push-up bra. When a man like that looks at you like you're the only woman in the room, it does things to a girl. Things that don't involve overthinking or holding back.

Sensing my hesitation, Deena gentled her voice. "Look, I'm not saying you gotta marry the guy. But would it kill you to have a little fling? To let yourself get swept off your feet, even if it's just for a little while?"

I bit my lip, considering. Maybe Deena was right. Maybe it was time to stop being so buttoned-up and boring. To take a chance on something wild and wonderful, consequences be damned. I mean, when a choice between an Andy and an Elvis falls into your lap, you'd be six kinds of stupid not to go for the Elvis, right?

"Okay, okay, you've twisted my arm," I said at last, grinning so hard my cheeks hurt. "Operation Ride That Stallion is a go. But if I end up with saddle sores, I'm blaming you."

Deena's cackle was loud and wicked. "Atta girl! You just remember every gory detail so you can replay the highlight reel for me later. And Val?"

"Yeah, Dee?"

"Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do."

“But you’d do everything…”

“That’s my point!”

After promising to give her a full debriefing later, I hung up and started tearing through my suitcase. I needed to put together an outfit that wouldn't get me laughed out of the VIP section. What does Elvis like? I wondered as I pulled out everything I owned, frowning at my decidedly lacking duds. I'd have to go full Cinderella somehow—find some fairy godmother to zap me a gown, pronto.

But before I could do that, I had to at least shower. I spent the next few hours getting dolled up like my life depended on it. Which, considering who my "date" was with, it kinda did. I took my sweet time shaving, lotioning, spritzing myself with my best perfume. Just as I was about to return to the matter of what to wear, the doorbell rung.

I opened the door—only to pratfall over a fancy box from Suzy Creamcheese, the hottest boutique in town. What in the...

I snatched it up. There was a card taped to the top, my name scrawled across it in scratchy, masculine handwriting. My eyes widened as I scanned the short, devastating message.

"Songbird, let's make beautiful music together. Wear this tonight. I'll be the one in black. Yours, Jon Burrows"

Jon Burrows. The alias he'd used last night. Hoo boy. Hands shaking, I lifted the lid off the box and promptly forgot how to breathe.

Inside was a dress that probably cost more than my entire life savings. Glimmering, body-skimming, hotter than a fresh sin. Draped in hand beading and fashioned of the finest silk imaginable. The kind of outfit that would've given Deena an aneurysm if she knew who sent it. In all honesty, Elvis had probably bought a million dresses just like it for a million and one little chippies. Suddenly, my stomach hurt.

But I couldn’t help but notice, nestled right next to the dress, a pair of matching stilettos, the slim spike heels flashing like a dare.

Eh, maybe I could take a Tums.

The dress slid over my curves like liquid sin, the slinky fabric doing favors for my figure I didn't even know were possible.

I twirled in front of the mirror, admiring the way the hem flirted with my thighs. With my chestnut curls artfully tousled and my eyes rimmed in black, I hardly recognized the minx staring back at me. If Elvis's jaw didn't hit the floor when he saw me in this getup, I'd eat my hat.

Still, a niggle of guilt squirmed in my gut as I dabbed on a pat of lip gloss. I couldn't quite shake the feeling that I was pulling a fast one on Deena. She'd blow her top if she knew who I was really running off to see. Not because of the fame, of course, but because of the ring on his finger.

But then again, maybe it was better to beg forgiveness than ask permission. Especially when permission involved a certain married megastar. What Deena didn't know wouldn't hurt her, right?

Right. Confidence bolstered, I sashayed out the door.

With a little more than an hour to kill before the show, I tottered down to the casino floor, the click-clack of my stilettos drawing more than a few appraising glances.

Suddenly feeling lucky, I made a pit stop at the blackjack table. Nothing like a good old fashioned game of chance to settle the nerves. I was just doubling down when I noticed a guy giving me the hairy eyeball.

He looked to be in his fifties, paunchy and balding, with a pinky ring the size of a doorknob. A real high-roller type. And he was staring straight at me, a lewd grin stretching his thin lips.

"What's a pretty little thing like you doing all by her lonesome?"

I shifted uncomfortably, wishing I'd worn a tent instead of a curve-hugging sheath. "Just playing a little cards before the big show," I muttered, looking everywhere but his face.

"Ah, you must be one of those Elvis girls," he said, nodding knowingly. "Fresh meat. Figures."

My stomach lurched. I was just opening my mouth to tell him where he could stick his fresh meat when a firm hand clamped down on my shoulder.

"Darlin', there you are! Been lookin' all over for you."

I whipped around to find a tall, gangly older man in a ten-gallon hat grinning down at me. He had a kind, pleasantly weathered face, the type of face you instantly trusted.

"Play along, sugar," he whispered, giving my shoulder a gentle squeeze. "Looked like you could use a white knight."

I almost collapsed with relief. "Oh! Yes, of course. So sorry, I got a little turned around..." I let him steer me away from the blackjack table, offering a silent prayer of thanks for chivalrous cowboys.

"Chick, at your service," he said once we were out of earshot, doffing an imaginary cap. "I’m with the International. And unless I miss my guess, you must be Miss Valerie?"

My eyes widened. "How did you...?"

Chick chuckled, shaking his head. "Let's just say, ah, Mr. Burrows ain't exactly subtle when he's sweet on a girl. I was instructed to find you and bring you to his dressing room before the show. Reckon that dress is gonna give him the vapors but good."

A pleased flush crept up my neck. Elvis had specifically summoned for me? Maybe this was more than a passing fancy to him. Maybe I wasn't just the flavor of the week...

No. Stop that. Don't go getting attached, you ninny. He's married, remember?

Chick must've noticed my wilting expression, because he gave my elbow a fatherly pat.

"Chin up, darlin'. I know this whole thing has you tied up in knots, but trust me—that boy thinks the sun rises and sets on your pretty little head. I ain't never seen him so gaga."

I managed a wobbly smile, even as my heart squeezed. Chick was sweet to say so, but he didn't know the half of it. Falling for Elvis was a one-way ticket to heartache city.

We snaked through a labyrinth of hallways and then reached the dressing room door. Chick gave a jaunty salute. "This is where I leave you. You take a deep breath and remember—if he’s foolish enough to let you slip through his fingers, I'll be waitin' in the wings to snatch you up my own self."

I giggled in spite of myself, some of the tension easing from my shoulders. "I'll keep that in mind. Thanks for the rescue, Chick."

"Anytime, darlin'." With a last wink, he disappeared into the bowels of the theater, leaving me to find my seat on shaky legs.

I took a deep breath, smoothed my dress, and knocked on the door, my heart hammering in my throat. This was it. The moment of truth.

The door swung open, and there he was. Elvis, looking surprisingly human in a plain white collared shirt and black slacks. His blue eyes crinkled at the corners as he smiled at me, a genuine, almost shy thing that made my insides flutter. He looked oddly nervous, a far cry from the swaggering sex god I'd expected. It was strangely endearing.

"Well, if it isn't my favorite good luck charm!" he said, ushering me inside with a flourish. "Get in here, darlin', before someone sees you and starts a scandal. I can see the headlines now: 'Elvis Presley Corrupts Young Songstress, Film at Eleven.'"

I laughed, feeling some of my nervousness melt away in the face of his playful warmth. "I think you're overestimating my ability to cause a scandal," I said, plopping down on the couch. "The most exciting thing that's ever happened to me was winning a pie-eating contest when I was twelve."

Elvis clutched his heart, staggering back in mock-amazement. "Be still my beating heart! A pie-eating champion in my very dressing room? I'm not worthy!"

He dropped to his knees in front of me, clasping my hands in his. "Tell me, o great and powerful pie queen, what's your secret? Inquiring minds want to know!"

His antics were so unexpected, so at odds with his slick public persona, that I found myself relaxing in spite of the surreality of the situation. This was just Elvis. Just a man. A ridiculously handsome, heart-stoppingly talented man, but a man nonetheless.

We plopped down on the couch, close but not quite touching. Elvis ran a hand through his hair, tousling it even further. I giggled, swatting at him. "Stop it, you goof! You're going to make me ruin my mascara from laughing too hard."

Elvis grinned, unrepentant. "Can't have that, can we? I need you looking your absolute best out there tonight. Gotta show all those other fellas what they're missing." His appraising gaze was warm an appreciative as it swept over me. “And you do look beautiful, by the way. That dress is a knockout on you.”

I ducked my head, feeling a pleased flush creep up my neck. "You shouldn’t have, Elvis. I’m not used to such nice things.” I looked down, tapping my feet in the maroon stilettos he gifted me. Suddenly, I found myself saying things out loud I didn’t want to admit. “When I put it on, I was hoping you’d like me in it."

"Well, mission accomplished." Elvis's smile turned rueful. "Can I let you in on a little secret, Valerie?" he said, glancing at me sidelong. At my nod, he blew out a breath. "I'm nervous as all get-out about this show tonight. Like, shakin' in my boots nervous."

“You get stage fright?”

"That isn’t even the half of it," Elvis barked out a laugh, but there was an undercurrent of tension in it. "Honey, I'm about ready to shake out of my skin. I haven't played a venue this big in years, and I keep thinking I'm going to get out there and just... forget everything. Forget how to sing, forget how to move, forget my own damn name."

My heart squeezed at the very real fear in his voice. I scooted closer. "You? Nervous? But you've played hundreds of shows for thousands of people. You're a pro!"

He chuckled, but it sounded a little forced. "Yeah, well, that was before. Haven't exactly been doing a lotta live performing lately. Feels like I'm starting from scratch."

His knee started bouncing, fingers drumming a restless beat on his thigh. "Truth is, I keep thinkin' I'm gonna get out there and just... blank. Disappoint everyone. Forget all the words, miss all my cues. Make a damn fool of myself in front of everyone." His gaze cut to me, suddenly vulnerable. "In front of you."

Oh. Oh, Elvis.

"Hey," I said softly, daring to lay my hand over his. "You are not going to make a fool of yourself. You know how I know?"

His fingers curled around mine, warm and strong. "How?"

“Because I’ve seen you dance. Even if you forget the words, just do that little hips-swivel thing and no one will care what's coming out of your mouth."

Elvis stared at me for a beat, his brow furrowed, mouth hanging open. Then, like a dam bursting, he threw his head back and guffawed, the sound rich and unrestrained.

"Lordy, woman!" he managed between wheezing breaths, clutching his stomach. "You really are somethin' else, you know that?"

I grinned, inordinately pleased with myself for cracking him up. "I’m serious! Those things are lethal weapons."

He snorted, shaking his head. "You're a mess, girl. An absolute mess." But his eyes were soft, affectionate.

“No, for real. You’ll do great,” I said, giving his knee a squeeze. "The second you step out there and see all those adoring faces, all those people who love you... it's gonna click. You're gonna remember exactly who you are and why you do this."

Elvis stared at me for a long moment, something raw and vulnerable flickering in his eyes. "You really believe that, don't you?" he said quietly. "You really think I've still got it."

"I know you've still got it," I said firmly. "You're going to go out there and give the performance of a lifetime, and I'm going to be right there in the front row, cheering you on."

Elvis's throat worked as he swallowed hard, his eyes suspiciously bright. "What did I ever do to deserve a gal like you in my corner?" he wondered, shaking his head. "I must've been a saint in a past life."

"Well, I don't know about sainthood, but you definitely rocked a mean pair of blue suede shoes," I teased, trying to lighten the mood.

It worked. Elvis threw his head back and laughed, the rich, honeyed sound wrapping around me like an embrace.

"Aw, baby, you're just too much!" He grinned at me, wide and boyish and utterly charming. "Stick with me, kid, and I'll show you a thing or two about rocking more than just shoes."

I felt my cheeks heat at the implicit promise in his words. "I'm going to hold you to that, Mr. Presley."

"You better, Miss Pedretti."

Elvis glanced at the clock and sighed, some of the laughter fading from his eyes. "Guess I better start getting into my glad rags. Show's about to start, and I've got a whole lot of hearts to break."

I elbowed him playfully. He stood, hauling me up with him. "Walk me to the stage door?" he asked, a hint of vulnerability creeping back into his voice. "It'd mean a lot to have you there, sending me off."

I wanted to. With every fiber of my being, naturally. But good sense won out. “I don’t think it’s the best idea, Elvis. I’m sure there’ll be photographers and—”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Elvis sighed. “Good looking out.” There was a genuine sadness in his voice.

I squeezed his hand, holding his gaze. "I'll be with you every step of the way," I promised. "In spirit, if not in body."

Elvis lifted my hand to his mouth, grazing my knuckles with a kiss that sent sparks shooting up my arm. "Knowing that's going to make all the difference, honey. You'll be my guiding light out there."

I felt like I could happily drown in those bottomless blue eyes, spend the rest of my days mapping the planes and angles of that impossibly handsome face. Emboldened, I reached up to straighten his collar, letting my fingers linger on the warm, taut skin of his neck. Elvis growled, a low, throaty sound that reverberated through my bones. He tugged me closer, until I could feel the heat of him, smell the spicy, expensive scent of his cologne. "Y’know, I've half a mind to cancel this show and..."

My pulse kicked into overdrive, desire threading through me in hot, urgent pulses. It would be so easy to let him do just that, to surrender myself to the dark promise in his eyes, propriety and common sense be damned...

A sharp knock at the door shattered the charged silence, making me jump like a scared cat. Elvis muttered a curse, his fingers flexing on my hips.

"Thirty minutes to curtain, boss," a voice called through the door.

Elvis blew out a harsh breath, his eyes never leaving mine. "Guess that's my cue," he said ruefully. He leaned in, his lips grazing my ear. "To be continued. You can bet on that."

Then, with one last scorching look, he turned on his heel and strode out, leaving me weak-kneed and panting in his wake.

The house lights dimmed and the band struck up a familiar chord, and the audience went nuts. Shrieks and whistles drowned out the opening bars as a lone spotlight pierced the dark.

And there he was.

Elvis swaggered onstage in a black gi-style jumpsuit, his raven hair gleaming under the lights, guitar slung low around his chest. The crowd surged to its feet, but Elvis only had eyes for me. He caught my gaze and grinned, a private, knee-weakening thing that set every nerve ending aflame.

Sweet mercy. Maybe Chick hadn't been exaggerating after all.

The show was a dizzying carousel of hip-swiveling, high energy dancing, and electrifying eye contact. Elvis shimmied and crooned and thrust like his life depended on it, but every so often, he'd throw a smoldering glance my way, those bedroom eyes promising wicked, unspeakable things. The same eyes that looked over every inch of my body in his dressing room.

During "Love Me Tender," he changed one of the lyrics ever so slightly, singing "for my songbird" instead of "for my darling." It was so subtle, I almost thought I'd imagined it. But then he caught my eye and winked, and I nearly combusted on the spot.

I spent the whole show riding a knife's edge of exhilaration and anxiety, every cell in my body attuned to Elvis's sly overtures. He was flirting with me, signaling me, making it clear I was his girl of the moment. And Lord help me, I ate it up like a starving dog.

In the back of my mind, a niggling voice of reason piped up, sounding suspiciously like Deena. "He does this with all the girls, dummy. You aren’t special. He's MARRIED, remember?"

I told the voice to can it. For one night, I just wanted to pretend this was real, that Elvis's heated promises were mine and mine alone. That maybe he really did in fact like my company. Was that so wrong?

By the time Elvis launched into “Can’t Help Falling in Love,” I was thoroughly hot and bothered, my skin humming with anticipation. Elvis took his bows, blowing kisses and reaching out to the sea of grasping hands. My own hands were stinging from clapping so hard, my face aching from grinning like a fool. He'd done it. He'd absolutely slayed. This was it. If he asked me to, I was going to go all the way. I was so keyed up, I barely noticed Joe until he materialized at my elbow, grinning like a fox in the henhouse.

Giddy and practically vibrating out of my skin, I let myself be ushered to Elvis’ suite by a cadre of burly security guards. It was already packed to the gills, a whirlwind of chatter and clinking glasses and backslapping laughter.

I recognized some of the faces from my earlier introduction to Elvis's inner circle—Red and Sonny and all the others from the Memphis Mafia, Colonel Parker looking like the cat who ate the canary, a gaggle of International execs in expensive suits. But there were plenty of new players too—starlets and hangers-on and a surprising number of little old ladies in their Sunday best, clutching Elvis albums to their heaving bosoms.

I felt a moment of panic, a minnow swimming with sharks, but then Jerry caught my eye across the room and waved me over with a wink.

"There she is!" he crowed, slinging an arm around my shoulders. "Didn't our boy knock 'em dead tonight?"

I grinned up at him, letting his easy camaraderie settle my nerves. "He sure did. I've never seen anything like it. I thought that one gal in the front row was gonna faint when he smiled at her."

"Aw, that ain't nothing!" Red chimed in, swiping a flute of champagne off a passing tray. "Back in '56, we had girls dropping like flies every time he so much as moved a finger. Quite a time to be alive, let me tell you!"

We laughed and joked and traded Elvis stories, the boys folding me into their ranks like I'd always been there. It was a heady feeling, being on the inside of something so exclusive, so legendary. Even if it was just for one night.

Speaking of the man himself, Elvis was holding court on the other side of the room, surrounded by a gaggle of suits and coiffed heads. He caught my eye over their shoulders and shot me a wink, his grin electric even from a distance.

I felt that zip of connection like a physical touch, and had to duck my head to hide my flush. Good grief, the man could spark a fire in my belly from clear across a crowded room. I was in trouble.

As if drawn by some invisible thread, I drifted towards him, skirting the edges of his adoring throng. I didn't want to interrupt, but I couldn't quite keep away either.

I was just debating the merits of "accidentally" bumping into him when I felt a gnarled hand clamp onto my wrist. I turned to find myself nose to nose with a diminutive old woman in a pink pillbox hat, her rheumy eyes squinting up at me.

"Priscilla, dear, is that you?" she cooed, her voice warbling with age. "Oh, honey, I just have to tell you how much I admire you! The way you've stood by your man all these years, through thick and thin... it's an inspiration to us all!"

My stomach plummeted. She thought I was Elvis's wife. His very real, very married wife.

"Oh, no, I'm not—" I stammered, my face heating. But she was already barreling on, clutching my hand in her paper-dry grip.

"You know, my Albert and I have been married for 53 years, and I like to think we've weathered our share of storms. But you and Elvis, bless your hearts, you've been through the wringer and back! The army, those awful Hollywood starlets, all those months on the road... it's a wonder you've made it work as well as you have!"

I opened my mouth, desperate to correct her, to distance myself from the comparison. But something in her earnest, careworn face stopped me. Who was I to shatter her illusions? What harm was there in letting her believe, just for a moment, that I was his dutiful wife?

So I simply smiled and patted her hand, murmuring something about the power of commitment. She beamed at me, misty-eyed, and tottered off to accost someone else with her marital wisdom.

I sagged against the wall, feeling vaguely guilty. Borrowing Priscilla's halo, even for a few minutes, left a sour taste in my mouth. What kind of person was I, playacting at being Elvis's devoted wife when the real deal was at home, probably wondering where her husband was and who he was with? And why wasn’t she here on opening night, anyway?

Suddenly, the dressing room felt too hot, too close. I needed air. I needed space. I needed...

"There you are! I've been looking all over for you, Valley cat."

I turned to find Elvis striding towards me, his face alight with post-show elation. His jacket was gone, his shirt half-unbuttoned, his hair damp with sweat. He looked utterly edible.

I pasted on a smile, trying to shake off my guilt like a dog shedding water. This was supposed to be a magical night, remember? My one chance to live like a star, to be Elvis's girl, if only in the shadows.

"Hey," I said, hoping my voice didn't betray my inner turmoil. "If it isn't the man of the hour himself. I'd ask how it feels to kill it, but something tells me you already know."

He laughed, low and throaty, and caught my hand in his. My pulse leapt at the casual intimacy of the gesture. "Careful with the compliments, hon, or my head won't fit through the door. Then where would we be?"

"Oh, I'm not worried," I shot back, finding my footing again. "If your head gets too big, I'll just deflate it with a few choice pinpricks. I'm handy like that."

"A real Jill of all trades, aren't ya?" he drawled, tugging me closer. I stumbled a bit, thrown by his nearness, the play of muscle beneath his shirt as he steadied me with hands on my hips.

His eyes danced with mischief and something hotter, headier. "Stick around long enough and maybe you'll get to show me just how handy you can be."

Oh. Oh my. Was he implying...

Before I could parse his words, he leaned in close, his lips a hairsbreadth from my ear. "The fellas are gonna clear out the stragglers. Why don't you hang back a while, keep me company?"

My pulse thudded heavy in my throat. "O-okay," I murmured, cursing my stammer. "If you're sure I won't be imposing..."

He pulled back just far enough to meet my eyes, something softening in his gaze. "Valerie, trust me. There is nowhere else I'd rather be than right here with you. Okay?"

I nodded shakily, thunderstruck by his sincerity.

The next hour passed in a whirlwind of farewells and a few more furtive winks from Elvis as he played gracious host. The stragglers trickled out in twos and threes, some of the drunker ones being gently but firmly escorted by bulky security guards. Soon, it was just Elvis, the core crew, and me.

I perched on the arm of a velvet sofa, trying to blend into the scenery as the guys swapped tour stories and ribbed each other mercilessly. Elvis, sprawled in an adjacent chair with a tumbler of something amber and expensive, kept sneaking me these scorching sidelong glances that made me feel like I was the only girl in the room. Maybe the only girl in the world.

Eventually, Red gave a jaw-cracking yawn and hoisted himself up off the couch. "Welp, I'm about ready to hit the hay. These old bones ain't what they used to be." He shot Elvis a significant look. "Reckon y'all got things handled in here?"

Elvis's lips twitched, his eyes never leaving mine. "Yeah, man. I think we're good. Y'all head on to bed now. Me and Valerie here will just... clean up a bit."

There was a loaded pause, a crackle of unspoken communication between them. Then, with a chorus of goodnights and a few winks sent my way, the guys filed out.

And then there were two.

Elvis drained his glass and set it aside, unfolding from his chair like a jungle cat waking from a nap. All coiled grace and barely restrained power. I tracked his approach with my heart in my throat, my skin prickling with anticipation.

He stopped in front of me, close enough that I could smell his cologne, the warm musk of his skin beneath the sharper tang of sweat. Close enough to touch.

He held out a hand, eyes molten in the low light. "C'mon, darlin'. Let's go somewhere a little more private, hmm?"

I slid my hand into his, letting him tug me to my feet and into the circle of his arms. I had to tip my head back to meet his gaze, my hands braced on the solid wall of his chest.

"Private sounds perfect," I breathed. "Lead the way."

His grin flashed, sharp and white in the dimness. He laced his fingers through mine and led me through a side door I hadn't even noticed, into a wood-paneled hallway lined with identical doors.

We stopped in front of one. Elvis produced a key from his pocket and unlocked it, gesturing for me to precede him. I stepped inside and stopped short, blinking in the sudden brightness. It was a suite, as lushly appointed as any I'd seen—all plush carpets and gleaming dark wood and what looked suspiciously like a gilded ceiling.

In the center of the room, a table had been set with a crisp white cloth, gleaming silver, a bottle of champagne sweating gently in a gilded ice bucket. Two place settings. Candles.

My heart did a funny little flip. He'd planned this. Planned a private, romantic dinner for two. For us.

I turned to him, stunned. "Elvis, this is... I mean, you didn't have to go to all this trouble..."

He shrugged, looking almost bashful. "It wasn't any trouble. I just thought it'd be nice to have some time, just you and me. No screaming crowds, no prying eyes." His mouth quirked. "Plus, I figured you'd probably be starving after all that excitement. I know I am."

As if on cue, my stomach rumbled loudly. We both looked down at it, then at each other, and promptly burst out laughing.

"Well, I reckon that's my answer!" Elvis wheezed, clutching his side. "C'mon, let's feed that beast before it stages a revolt."

Still snickering, he pulled out my chair with a flourish. I sank into it, expecting him to ring for room service, or maybe a harried-looking assistant to come scurrying out with silver platters.

But no. To my shocked delight, Elvis ducked into the adjoining kitchenette and returned with... a greasy paper sack?

At my raised eyebrow, he grinned. "What, did you think it'd be all caviar and champagne? Nah, that ain't my style."

He upended the sack, sending a cascade of foil-wrapped burgers and fries skittering across the fine china. The commingled scents of grease and salt and ketchup wafted up to me, and my mouth instantly watered.

"I sent Sonny out for these," Elvis said, sliding into the seat across from me. "Knew I'd be craving some post-show grease. And I figured, what's better than sharing a little taste of home with my songbird?"

Songbird. Oh. There were those damned butterflies again.

"You figured right," I managed, plucking up a fry. "There's nothing better than burgers after midnight. Although..." I squinted at the foil peeking out from beneath a sesame bun. "Is that... peanut butter?"

He flashed me a guilty grin. "Ah, you caught me. Peanut butter and bacon. A little trick I picked up in the army. It sounds crazy, but trust me, it's a revelation."

We dug into our burgers, the silence broken only by appreciative moans and the rustling of wrappers. I had to admit, the combination of peanut butter and bacon was strangely appealing. Not that I'd ever tell Elvis that. His ego was healthy enough as it was.

"So," I said, dabbing a bit of ketchup from my chin. "You were in the army?"

Elvis paused mid-bite, his eyes widening slightly. He swallowed, setting his burger down. "You really didn’t know?"

“Well,” I said, chewing carefully. “I, uh. How do I say this? I never really followed you that closely. I mean, of course, I know your music and all. But the details of your life? I didn't want to pry.”

He stared at me for a long moment, something unreadable flickering in his eyes. Then, slowly, a grin spread across his face.

"Hey, what’s so funny?”

“You mean to tell me I found the only girl around who doesn’t already know everything about me?”

I felt my cheeks heat. "What do you mean?"

He leaned back in his chair, studying me with a newfound intensity. "I mean, you're the first girl I've met in a long time who hasn't tried to impress me with how much she knows about me. Who hasn't been hanging on my every word, ready to agree with whatever I say just to get in my good graces."

I blinked, taken aback. "Really? That's... that's kind of sad, actually."

"Sad?" He cocked his head, curious. "How so?"

I waved a hand, trying to find the right words. "I just mean... you're a person. A real, flesh and blood man with thoughts and feelings and experiences that go beyond what the magazines print. It's sad that so few people seem to want to get to know that side of you. The real you." I paused, considering whether or not to continue. “It must be really weird meeting new people and feeling like they already know everything about you.”

“Well, what they think they know at least.” His expression softened, something warm and vulnerable stealing into his gaze. "You really mean that, don't you? You actually want to know me. Not Elvis the star, but just... Elvis."

"‘Course I do," I said softly. "You think I’d be eating burgers at 4 am with just anybody I meet? I promise you I am not that kind of girl,” I winked.

As our appetites gave way to pleasant, sleepy fullness, our conversation turned to lighter things—favorite movies (his: The Way of All Flesh, mine: anything historical), craziest fan encounters (had to give it to Elvis on that one, though my tale of a particularly persistent flasher in Boise nearly made him snort soda out of his nose), best practical jokes played on unsuspecting bandmates (we were both particularly proud of our skills with a whoopee cushion).

We grinned at each other, the air between us crackling with something warm and bright. I felt like I could happily drown in those bottomless blue eyes, spend the rest of my days mapping the planes and angles of that impossibly handsome face.

But as the laughter died down and the food dwindled to crumbs, a tension crept into the air between us. An unspoken question, hovering like a ghost at the table.

I took a deep breath, steeling myself. "Elvis, I... I have to ask. And feel free to tell me to mind my own business, but... what about your wife?"

He stiffened, his jaw tightening. For a moment, I thought he might shut down, might retreat behind the impenetrable wall of his public persona.

But then he sighed, his shoulders slumping as if under a great weight. "Priscilla and I... it's complicated."

I bit my lip, my stomach knotting. "You still love her?"

A long, heavy beat of silence. Then, softly: "I'll always care for Priscilla. She's been a part of my life for a long time. But love?" He shook his head, his eyes distant. "No. I don't think I do. Not anymore."

My breath caught, hope and trepidation warring in my chest. "What happened?"

He scrubbed a hand over his face, looking suddenly exhausted. "We grew apart. Wanted different things. For a while now, we've been living separate lives, barely even speaking except when necessary. I think we both know it's over. That it has been for a long time."

I reached out, covering his hand with my own. "Elvis, I'm so sorry. That must be incredibly painful."

He turned his hand over, lacing his fingers through mine. "It was, at first. But now? Now it just feels... inevitable. Like we were always meant to end up here, no matter how hard we tried to make it work."

As the night wore on and the conversation lulled, I felt my eyelids growing heavy. A glance at the clock told me it was just before six in the morning. Stifling a yawn, I turned to Elvis. "I hate to say it, but I think I should be heading back to my room. It's been an amazing night."

Elvis reached over and took my hand, his eyes searching mine. "Will you come back tomorrow? I feel like we've barely scratched the surface. There's so much more I want to talk to you about."

I smiled, my heart fluttering at the thought of spending more time with him. "I'd love to."

"Great. How about—"

I held up a hand, stopping him mid-sentence. "Why don't you call me and invite me? Properly, I mean."

His lip curled in amusement, a mischievous glint in his eye. "Etiquette, huh? Alright, I'll play by your rules. I'll call you tomorrow night, say, around five-thirty? Room 2806, right?"

I nodded, unable to suppress my grin. "I'll be waiting."

"Lamar," Elvis called out. "Would you be so kind as to walk Valerie back to her room?"

With a final squeeze of my hand and a promise to call, Elvis bid me goodnight.

The next day seemed to drag on forever. I couldn't bring myself to leave my room, afraid I might miss his call if I stepped out even for a moment. As five-thirty approached, my nerves were wound tighter than a coiled spring. When the phone finally rang, I took a deep breath before picking up the receiver.

"Hello?" I answered, trying to sound nonchalant.

"Could I please speak with Valerie?" The unmistakable drawl sent my pulse racing.

I couldn't resist playing coy. "Who is this?"

"Elvis."

"Elvis who?"

There was a beat of silence, followed by a low chuckle. "You're a bonehead."

The playful exchange was just what I needed to ease my nerves. Elvis proceeded to explain the arrangements he'd made—a ticket for the late show and another dinner together afterward. I hung up the phone, my heart soaring with anticipation.

Maybe staying in Vegas a little while longer wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Taglist: @whositmcwhatsit @ellie-24 @arrolyn1114 @missmaywemeetagain @be-my-ally @vintageshanny @prompted-wordsmith @precious-little-scoundrel @peskybedtime @lookingforrainbows @austinbutlersgirl67@lala1267 @thatbanditqueen @dontcrydaddy @lovingdilfs @elvispresleygf @plasticfantasticl0ver @ab4eva @presleysweetheart @chasingwildflowers @elvispresleywife @uh-all-shook-up @xxquinnxx @edgeofrealitys-blog@velvetprvsley @woundmetender @avengen @richardslady121 @presleyhearted @kendralavon7 @18lkpeters@lookingforrainbows @elvisalltheway101 @sissylittlefeather @eliseinmemphis@tacozebra051 @thetaoofzoe @peskybedtime @shakerattlescroll @crash-and-cure @ccab @i-r-i-n-a-a @devilsflowerr@dirtyelvisfant4sy @elvislittleone @foreverdolly @getyourpresleyfix@gayforelvis @headfullofpresley @h0unds-of-h3ll @hipshakingkingcreole @p0lksaladannie @doll-elvis @tacozebra051 @richardslady121 @jaqueline19997 @myradiaz@livelaughelvis @deke-rivers-1957

#elvis presley #elvis #elvis fanfic #elvis fans #elvis presley fanfiction #elvis fanfiction #elvis presley fanfic #elvis presley fic #elvis x oc #elvis fic #songbird

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unionize-aromantically · 23 days

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Ok but yeah, an introduction post to all the new people!

I am Ink. I am aroace, romance repulsed, sex indifferent and nonpartnering. My pronouns are he/him and lee/lem/lis/lemself and xe/xem. Genderwise you can consider me like a guy, but a guy that also really likes to be referred to with gender neutral terms.

I am a Norwegian person who likes language learning, music and politics. I also like bragging about being aro and aroace. I read a lot so check out the #bookblogging tag for that (I also talk about that a lot on mastodon).

I post a lot about music on my sideblog @music-fan . I am a big fan of car seat headrest, and tons of different Midwest Emo bands. More too, but that's like 90% of my posts there.

I have a mastodon account. Not sure I want to tell everyone to follow there, but it exists if you want to like be friends friends who talk. It's not a parasocial social media really. My url there is @/ink@/turtle.garden.

Reasons you might want to unfollow me

I don't have my age public. (If you have minors/majors DNI I assume you're gonna unfollow.)

I support trans people, which includes both trans men and trans women. (cause apparently this is controversial). (no I don't think trans women being oppressed means trans men aren't, and not the opposite either)

I don't have a stance in neither syscourse nor shipcourse. (not at all involved in the shipping world, and syscourse I just don't want to) (though to be clear I don't support harassment or fakeclaiming or anything like that for syscourse)

I support Palestine

I don't condemn Hamas - not because the lives of the israeli civilians they killed don't matter, they do matter - but because Hamas is the organization/government/political party fighting for Palestine and it's not like they were breaking some long peace, it's not like the idf hasn't killed more civilians

I don't believe in the death penalty. (except maybe for people who commited crimes against humanity).

that's all I can think of but yeah.

And if you're interested in being friends, I really like being social! Just hmu in the DMs or asks. It's very much cool :)

@unionize-aromantically

#ink.post #txt

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maddys-nerd-blog · 2 months

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Maddy’s Favorite TMNT Films Ranked!

It’s my birthday!!! I’m officially 25, which makes me shudder cuz I’m in my quarter life crisis now. REGARDLESS! Since it’s the day of my birth I thought it right to do something special!!

And that’s rank ALL the TMNT movies from my least favorite to my all-time faves!

I’m honored you all enjoyed my silly episode ranking, it was tons of fun to do and I loved writing it!! Chatting about these turtles has been nothing but fun and brings me tons of comfort, so I’m happy to do one of these again! I just pray my opinions aren’t too controversial 🤣🤣

Ten movies, all about four teenage mutant ninja turtles. One nerd to review these. This’ll be fun!!

Let’s kick some shell! 💜💜💜

Some criteria!

These are just my thoughts on the films! I’m not the end all, be all of what movie is THE BEST or THE WORST. If you like a movie that may have ranked lower, that’s awesome!! Let’s all share our opinions on them and have a fun time!

Straight to DVD films are included in this lineup!

The live concerts and We Wish You a Turtles Christmas are not allowed cuz those are fever dreams 🤣

I’ll be doing a classic ranking system from the bottom all the way to the top!

SPOILERS BEWARE! … AGAIN 🤣🤣 and some slight swearing, I may have gotten excited while writing this 🤣🤣🤣

Let’s begin!

10: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 ( 1993 )

My Score: 2 out of 10.

This movie is a fever dream and I can’t be convinced otherwise 🤣

I mean, can you blame me? This was made in a last ditch effort to get Turtlemania back in the mainstream just as it began to die down… and this was a BAD way to win fans back.

From the terrible comedy to the worst TMNT villain in the franchise to grace the silver screen in the form of Walker. Don’t even get me started on the god awful turtle costumes this time around because… dear lord, they’re nightmare fuel. If I saw these guys in an alley I’d run for the hills! They’re downright grotesque to look at! All the characters are either whiny, boring, or unlikable. I have nothing but respect to the voice actors of Leonardo and Michelangelo for sticking it through all three of the classic movies, despite the terrible script they had to work with in this installment. I also feel awful for Elias Koteas, who got the short end of the hockey stick— see what I did there? I’ll see myself out 😂— after ALL the grief Karen’s made him deal with after the first movie, getting booted from the sequel as a result of their nagging, only to be brought back to this mess. And what was with the ancestor-but-maybe-not-but-wait-he-might-be guy that Koteas was also playing??? His character made ZERO sense!

And that Splinter puppet???? THAT THING IS UGLY.

I would never watch this one again unless it was for memes. “What did you expect, maybe the Addams family?!”

No, but I expected a better script than this BS.

9: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows ( 2016 )

My Score: 3.4 out of 10

This may be a tighter script and a slightly more coherent plot, but DAMN, I can’t bare to watch this one for more than ten minutes on a good day.

First of all, Leonardo in this one is downright terrible and a bad leader. I’m STUNNED he never gets reprimanded by his Sensei for his nasty treatment of his brothers— telling Donnie to LIE TO HIS FAMILY ABOUT THE OOZE????? That’s out of character! Belittling Raph with that whole ‘There’s only one vote that counts’ line???? And putting the blame on him and Mikey for the police station fiasco?! He comes off as a bully!!

The plot is somewhat stronger than the first but it’s just taking elements from the Marvel movies, such as the hole in the sky like The Avengers. Shoving needless fan service in our faces as if to say ‘SEE??? WE LEARNED FROM THE FIRST ONE, WE HEARD YOU, THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED RIGHT?! LOOK! THERE’S A FROZEN NEUTRINO ON KRANG’S SHIP!’ Sorry, but this ain’t the Sonic movie, it isn’t going to work unless you actually respect the material you’re adapting! Like with the Sonic movie! They fixed Sonic’s look because of fan demand, and they actually respected their advise! Here though? It’s like they’re just throwing it in our faces just to spite us. It’s not coming from a place of love. Casey Jones in this film is a joke— what a waste to this iconic character to turn him from a badass vigilante into a whining baby vying for April’s affection. Bebop and Rocksteady are annoying as hell. Stockman sucks. Karai is a nothing sandwich. Shredder barely does ANYTHING. And Krang??? EW. Just… ew.

But for all my ranting this far, I do have some positives from this one— April actually gets to have a playful personality which is fun! Once again the turtles are the highlight. Their designs this time around are great!! Less accessories but it allows for more room to show the guys’ fighting abilities and the accessories they do have is there as an added bonus, not to clutter their look! I feel like this was Donnie and Raph’s movie more than anything! The amount of attention they get in this film alone shows that there were writers who loved these guys and treated them with respect! That scene where Donnie single-handedly TOOK CONTROL OF A CRASHING AIRPLANE USING HIS BO AS THE STEERING?! THAT WAS SICK!!! And Raph once again is an absolute BEAST in battle! The motion capture artists are phenomenal as the titular man characters, they all had great chemistry together! I just feel awful that they had to be treated so badly behind the scenes…

It’s not a great movie, and even with the few redeeming factors it still makes me irritated.

8: Turtles Forever ( 2009 )

My Score: 3.5 out of 10

PLEASE DON’T HATE ME 🤣

Remember what I said about us not getting a proper crossover until Ciro Nieli adapted the 1987 turtles into the show?

Yeeeeeah. This one was NOT it. And this was supposed to be the 25th anniversary movie???

For some reason, ALL the ‘03 turtles are so bitter and mean to the 87 counterparts. They’re putting them down at every instance where combat or character bonding is involved, which is ridiculous. ‘03 Donnie WOULD NEVER be so nonchalant about meeting another version of himself— and why does he constantly put down ‘87 Donatello for his inventions??? They should be hyping each other up and talking techno babble! Why is Splinter the only likable person in the whole movie?! Why did they change April and Casey’s designs to look like random anime characters?! ( NOTE: I know they changed them to match the 2007 film at the time, I’m just being funny )

I already can’t stand the ‘03 version of Shredder but DAMN, they’re making him out to be the most amazing version of him out there. It’s like the writers behind this movie are ragging ‘87 Shredder— WHY DID THEY MAKE HIM A HAPLESS IDIOT?! They gave ‘87 Shredder so much disrespect! In the original cartoon, while he could be used for laughs, he was also taken seriously and seen as a very real threat. He was no slouch whatsoever either, he easily took the turtles out in one episode in season two! The only ones who actually stayed ‘in character’ were Bebop and Rocksteady! It’s like this movie is tearing down what made the OG series fun and iconic to build the ‘03 turtles up to be THE greatest team. I just wanted these two teams to be working together and learning from one another in their own ways! Like, imagine a scene where ‘87 Raphael teaches ‘03 Raph to rip the fourth wall! Or ‘03 Mike and ‘87 Mikey showing each other their own nunchuck tricks! You know? ACTUAL BONDING????

And yes, the OG voice actors were swapped cuz of union disputes by 4Kids. The only one that sounds kind of like his original voice was the guy playing ‘87 Raph. Otherwise? They all sound pretty bad. It actually made me cringe the first time I got around to hearing them, I did NOT get used to them.

I understand there’s an extended cut out there that addresses some of the issues that were cut for time, but unfortunately we don’t have that version to go off of, so I’m left with this.

All I have to say is, THANK YOU CIRO NIELI!!!

7: TMNT ( 2007 )

My Score: 6 out of 10

No this was not intentional 🤣🤣🤣

We’re nearing the halfway point and we’ve reached the TMNT movie I saw as a kid! Fun fact, this movie came out after my birthday and I BEGGED my dad to take me to see it. So as a birthday treat he took me and my brother to see it opening day! Not only was this my introduction to the turtles, but it made eight year old me curious about the series!

Is it as good as I remember?

Well… no, but it’s not bad!

I’ll admit, the plot is kinda slapdash and nonsensical. Like… I know, I know, this is a franchise about teenage turtles who learn ninjutsu and fight a man dressed like a cheese grater. But even for me this story is out there. Why do the Stone Generals have no personality or defining traits other than the weapons they use? Why is Winters so generic? The concept of an immortal general searching for thousands of years for the lost monsters to atone for his terrible mistakes is cool, just not for this franchise if that makes sense. Also this movie doesn’t seem to wanna give Donnie or Mikey any agency; they’re mainly in the background doing comedic stuff or off on the wayside with nothing to do whilst Leo and Raph are pushed into the spotlight. For a story centered around bringing a fractured family back together we don’t get to see how Mikey or Donnie have been handling Leo’s absence during his time spent in Costa Rica.

Yet through this muddy plot we have some of the most iconic/ memorable moments in this franchise! Raph being the Nightwatcher— which is coming back in the comics soon!, Donnie’s tech support meme, THE LEO VS RAPH FIGHT ON THE ROOFTOPS WHICH STILL LOOKS FREAKIN AMAZING TO THIS DAY???? Seriously, Imagi Studios had such an incredible future ahead of them, it’s a shame they went bankrupt! Some of my favorite actions moments in this movie are towards the end where the family is in Winters’ compound and we’re treated to a one-take camera pan of them brawling through a slew of Foot ninja!

And the voice cast here is great!!! Nolan North as Raph??? James Arnold Taylor as Leo?! CHRIS EVANS AS CASEY?! AND MOTHER FING MAKO, AKA UNCLE IROH HIMSELF AS SPLINTER?! It’s a great ensemble!!! Everyone here clearly gave it their all, they should all be praised for this!!

You can tell there was a ton of attention to detail put into this one, and that the people behind it had tons of fun animating it. We could have had a really cool film series on our hands had the studio not fallen under. Otherwise, I still enjoy watching this purely for nostalgia purposes!

6: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze ( 1991 )

My Score: 6.9 out of 10

For a movie made right after the first to cash in on the Turtlemania high, I gotta say, this one’s really fun!

It’s not without flaws though; Karen’s gotta ruin the fun once again and the tone was dragged WAAAAAAY down to take away the darker themes from the previous film cuz they thought children couldn’t handle any action that was too violent. Karen’s also took Mikey’s nunchucks away and got rid of Casey. The story is goofier and doesn’t allow for any space for these characters to breathe or emote past being lighthearted and funny. April isn’t as down to earth since Judith Hoag was replaced, Casey Jones is sorely missed in this story, Tokka and Razar are just dumb, bumbling monsters made to replace Bebop and Rocksteady. Professor Perry is obviously supposed to be Stockman, and the Shredder doesn’t truly engage with the turtles until the end of the movie. The Super Shredder was just a missed opportunity! The turtles don’t get to use their weapons at all except for Donnie cuz he uses a giant stick.

The positives outweigh all of that though! As always the turtles are fun and lovable, the new voice for Donnie is awesome, we get some great comedy spliced throughout the film, the Go Ninja dance sequence is so memorable that to this day people are still bringing it up! And I’d be remiss if I didn’t bring up the introduction to Keno, played by Ernie Ryes Jr., the stunt double of Donatello in the first film!! Keno is a GREAT addition to this cast! I adored his quips and the action stunts he pulls off are thrilling! I honestly think he’d be an awesome character to keep bringing back in new projects! COUGH MUTANT MATHEM SHOW COUGH. I wish he was in more stuff cuz he really is a fun addition to the roster! I even had the opportunity to meet Ernie Ryes Jr. this last summer with a friend of mine, and he was SO nice and SO chill! He was so excited to meet fans who were talking about TMNT, and when I told him how much the franchise meant to me, he gave me a hug and took a pic with me!!! He was such a great guy!!!

I can always go back to this one and smile throughout the movie! Also, GO NINJA GO NINJA GO—

ONTO THE TOP FIVE!! From here on out these are the movies I can rewatch over and over and never grow tired of viewing them!! So let’s get this party started!!

5: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ( 2014 ) ⭐️

My Score: 7.8 out of 10

Say what you will, but I love the first movie more than the sequel 🤣

I love this movie, it’s a ton of fun and the action is truly a spectacle! I feel like I had more fun with this first movie than it’s sequel because, firstly, the plot is quick and engaging. Sure, there are some issues, but I can forgive it because…

This movie IS JUST FUN.

I know this is gonna be a controversial opinion but I really like the first movie over the sequel! I really liked April! I’m of the opinion that Megan Fox can be a decent actress if she’s given the right script, and in this movie, despite the fact she might not have the most compelling arc, she’s still a good interpretation of the spunky reporter we all love! Will Arnet is also pretty funny as Vern! I still think Sacks should have been Stockman instead of Shredder. Making that swap has no integral change to the plot and it would have made more sense. Like… why not keep the mad scientist character as the already established mad scientist? The origin change inspired by the IDW comics may be jarring but I didn’t mind it! It’s just a different iteration of their upbringing but it still remains true to the turtles themselves!

The motion capture technology for the turtles is jaw dropping. I mean it. It feels like Megan Fox is making direct eye contact with these giant mutants, they’re interacting with the scene and characters, when they engage people in combat you FEEL those blows and believe they’re actually beating the snot out of these thugs.

But by far, the turtles are the biggest highlight of this movie. They’re tons of fun to watch and their banter and chemistry is great!

Do they have tons of needless accessories? Yeah

Do they look cluttered? Yeah

But does that take from their personality? NO

Donnie IS A CINNAROLL AND MUST BE CHERISHED. I feel his own techy gadgets and gear adds to his introverted personality! He’s such a lovable dork and I really liked him in this one! Jeremy Howard is a perfect fit to voice/ act for him, nobody can convince me otherwise. PLUS THAT ONE MOMENT WHERE HE SMASHES HIS BO INTO A FOOT GOON’S KNEECAP????

Raph IS A FREAKIN BEAST! GOD-DAYUM, this turtle is easily the strongest incarnation of the hothead to date! Tossing shipping containers like it’s nothing, casually breaking through steel fans to create a blockade against the Foot! I might be in the minority but Alan Richardson is THE first voice I think of when I’m told to say which Raph I prefer!

Mikey is still a bit iffy for me cuz of the weird innuendo jokes, but I can see why people like him! I still think him flying around on a hoverboard skateboard is dope as hell though. And Leo is likable in this one!! He’s actually a responsible older brother who’s devoted to his family and not a selfish jerk keeping secrets from his brothers 🤣🤣😂

Plus, the emotional parts of this one hit harder than the sequel for me, especially on my first viewing. The Splinter Vs Shredder fight is intense and really REALLY well choreographed, very inventive and exciting with all the stunts Splinter pulls off. The moment where Leo and Mikey both scream for their father, the blink and you miss it line of Leo calling Splinter ‘dad’— which was improvised by Leo’s motion capture actor— and the gut-wrenching aftermath of the battle where they’re led away in chains believing their father is dead… that may have gotten me misty eyed.

The snow chase? Badass.

The climax? Pretty damn good.

That elevator scene that was entirely off script and improvised by the motion capture actors? BEST SCENE IN THE ENTIRE FILM.

Is this the best? No, but it didn’t have to be! I love this one! And I can happily say it’s the most fun I’ve had with the Bayverse turtles 🤣

4: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ( 1990 ) ⭐️

My Score: 8.9 out of 10

This is, without question, one of the most stunning displays of practical effects and costume work in any film made at this time. Henson’s Creature Workshop truly outdid themselves in this feature with their work on the turtles.

The turtles look like living, breathing creatures. They actually look as though they’re real! There a small flaws, yes, but I can look past it because the amount of detail and effort that went into these things is incredible!! The stunt actors brought the action to a whole new level in those suits! You can tell every ounce of passion was put into this, and everyone had so much faith in seeing that these turtles lifelike! Brian Tochi, Josh Pais, Corey Feldman and Robbie Rist were perfectly cast as the four mutant turtles!!!

Judith Hoag plays a phenomenal April! Fun, spunky, witty and clever! I met her last summer too and she was truly wonderful!! Such a kind woman who listened to my story and connected with me!

Whoever hired Elias Koteas as Casey needs an eternal raise. He looks like he popped out of the comic and came to life. He was perfect!!

Splinter in this movie IS A GREAT FATHER AND AN AWESOME PARENT.

Shredder gives me chills he’s so intimidating.

When this movie came out everyone went bonkers with Turtlemania fever. The critics slept on this one because this was Eastman and Laird’s comics brought to reality. Steve Barron of Take on Me fame delivered on presenting the dark and gritty nature of the turtle’s lives and how brutal the Foot truly is.

I gotta highlight that score for this film because John DuPrez??? You’re a GENIUS.

My only issue is Danny. He was just obnoxious and selfish the whole way through until the climax. Like… hope you have a couple thousand dollars left to give April instead of the 20 you stole, kid, YOU GOT HER HOUSE BURNED DOWN.

THAT FIGHT SCENE ON THE ROOFTOP IS DOPE AND FUCKING AMAZING. AND CASEY CASUALLY TURNING SHREDDER INTO CRUSHED TUNA???? WE LOVE A BASED CASEY.

I don’t know what else to say other than this is the epitome of a true 90’s classic.

3: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie ( 2022 ) 🥉

My Score: 9 out of 10

Holy. Shit.

This movie LOOKS FUCKING GORGEOUS. DISNEY WHO????? DREAMWORKS WHO???

Before I got into the fandom I found this movie through the trailer and Black Nerd Comedy’s discussion about it. On a day I was bored I turned this on.

AND THIS MADE MY JAW DROP.

I had ZERO clue this movie looked as visually pleasing as it did. I adore this film and the animation behind it. It’s so clean, so slick, the pacing is just right, the action alone made the hair on my arms stand up! I love watching the animatics and storyboards behind the action scenes of this film just to study it and marvel at how freakin talented these artists and animators are!!!!

The voice cast knocked it out of the ballpark! Ben Schwartz in particular deserves massive praise for his performance as Leo, such a dynamic range of emotion to balance out the ‘comedy guy’ to ground him in this serious situation. Plus, Sora from Kingdom Hearts is in this as Casey Jr! 🤣🤣 his character arc having to change from the carefree prankster to the leader who had to step up and save his family is a thrilling plot point we see unfold!

I loved the characters!! I loved the score!!! I loved how this film wasn’t afraid to be genuinely SCARY with the Krang.

The angst???? The whump???? THE CLIMACTIC SHOWDOWN???? CHEFS KISS!!

WHY DID I NOT DISCOVER RISE SOONER?!

I can’t help but gush over this movie of because this is top notch quality!!! I have nothing to say, this one is OP!

2: Batman Vs The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ( 2019 ) 🥈

My Score: 9.8 out of 10

FUCKING.

LOVE.

THIS CROSSOVER.

Literally one of the best crossover films of all time. I adore this Hellboy art style for the film, I adore the opening intro where it’s all German-deco-Impressionism/ noir influenced and it’s all dark and covered in shadow minus the blips of color to symbolize the characters.

I adore the handling of the martial arts versus the brutal, grounded combat style of Batman! I love how the animators literally used the backgrounds to their advantage and made them pieces for the characters to use as weapons!

I adore how the turtles have such natural banter and chemistry with one another! I love how Batgirl and Donnie bond!!! I adore how everyone plays off of each other! The dialogue is fun and full of charm! I loved watching Batman and Shredder going completely off the rails on each other!

I love Donnie!!

I love Mikey!!

I love Batgirl!!

I love the subtle reference to Pink Floyd!!!

I LOVE ALL THE REFERENCES TO ALL THE DIFFERENT ITERATIONS OF TMNT HISTORY BECAUSE YOU KNOW THESE WRITERS/ STORYBOARDERS/ DIRECTORS CARED ABOUT THIS.

My only complaint? The Batman villains are underutilized, their mutant designs are bland as hell and Joker and Harley suck. But I’ve always hated those two so that’s not an issue with the film itself.

That pizza party at the end MAKES this for me. I got the comics this was adapted from, those are SOOOOO GOOD!

Nothing but high praise here. All my heart goes to this one. And this used to be my champion, until this movie blew it out of the water…

1: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem ( 2023 ) 👑

My Score: 12 out of 10

This. THIS is the quintessential TMNT film experience.

Call me biased. Call me boring. Call me basic, but THIS MOVIE SAVED ME THIS PAST SUMMER.

The teaser came out the week of my birthday last year. I couldn’t stop smiling when we got that first taste of what the animation was going to be like. It was like a feast for the eyes!

I trained myself not to watch ANYTHING past that first trailer. I had to ignore leaks and spoilers for MONTHS, I ever ignored the posters of the characters themselves because I wanted to be genuinely surprised by who was in the movie. It was like I was prepping for Endgame all over again. I got the figures to prepare for the movie, I bought early fan screening tickets in advance, I took my best friend with me to share the moment cuz there was no way I was NOT gonna have my bestie there too. I even custom tie dyed a shirt with Leo and Donnie’s colors and decked myself out in TMNT gear the day of the premier. I went into that movie bouncing in my seat.

And I left that movie smiling with joy and laughing and crying. And then I proceeded to see it THREE MORE TIMES IN THEATERS. That’s an honor only reserved for the movies that have moved me enough to cry.

The plot is simple but the twists and turns they take leaves you surprised and on the edge! The soundtracks are STELLAR, both the score and the music they used. There are plenty of Easter eggs to find on a rewatch. The jokes ALWAYS LAND! I love these weird cringy turtles and their memes 🤣🤣

The turtles are precious babies that must be protected! Leo is awkward but lovable. Donnie is a Cinnaroll. Raph is hilarious and probably needs a stress toy to calm his anger. Mikey is a joy to watch and he’s relatable! April is fun as hell, MUTANT MAYHEM SPLINTER IS A GREAT DAD AND IN MY TOP THREE BEST RAT DADS LIST. Superfly is HELLA scary, the iconic mutants they included are fun, MONDO GECKO MY BABY BOY LOOK AT HIM GO!

This voice cast is going to become iconic. Everyone from Ice Cube to Jackie Chan to Paul Rudd to the very first actual teen cast of the titular characters!!! Nicolas Cantu, Micah Abbey, Brady Noon and Sharon Brown Jr delivered excellent performances and brought these guys to life!

THIS ANIMATION IS SO UNIQUE AND COOL!!! It looks like EVERY medium was explored and used— everything from 3D to sketchy hand drawn, erratic wild outlining to claymation?! DUDE THIS IS LITERALLY SPIDERVERSE BUT FOR TMNT!!!

The MOTHER FUCKING NO DIGGITY MONTAGE ARE YOU KIDDING ME—

It was all I wanted. It was everything I wanted it to be and then some. After the shit I had to go through in 2023, it felt like a giant breath of fresh air to enjoy something I was so excited for, if only just for an hour and a half. I went straight home and showed my older sister, who was recovering at home at the time during one of her treatments, all the merch I got from the fan event and rattling off about the movie. She laughed and said ‘I’m glad you had a great time!’

Not gonna lie, I was apprehensive when I heard Seth Rogan was the one helming this project cuz his track record of movies hasn’t been the most… friendly to sit through. But, with this? I tip my hat to him! He delivered for the fans, big time.

I loved this film. It’s my favorite TMNT movie of all time. I’m totally stoked for the new series coming out this summer. All I have left to say?

COWABUNGA! 💜❤️🧡💙

TADA~! And that’s it! This took me a week to finish but I’m proud of it!! 😁 I had so much fun making this list!!!

What would you rank these movies? I’d love to know and hear your thoughts on them!! 😁

Thanks for reading!! Have a great day! 💜💜💜💜

@queen-with-the-quill @tending-the-hearth @mermmarie @lameboobah @tmnt-tychou @indieyuugure @wasted-and-ready @figuringitoutasigoalong @angelicdavinci @zandiiangelspit @jadethest0ne @turtle-babe83

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