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#heart broken

I’m so fucking confused as to where you went.. I kept trying to find my way back to us.. but it was like fumbling around in the dark meanwhile you were telling me you’re mine and I was yours.. but you walked further into the dark and left me to find my way out alone..

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I became possessive and pulled him away from some of his female friends, but does him cheating and lying excuse my insecurities or am I just as bad as him?

I had his passwords to his social media, but he gave them to me in a bid for me to trust him again, am I just as bad?

I slapped him after he made fun of me for being molested, which lead to him punching me and leaving a bruise on my face.. wouldn’t that be my fault? I struck first

Maybe if I hadn’t raised my voice he wouldn’t have given me the bloody nose

Maybe if I hadn’t followed him into the living room he wouldn’t have threatened to kill me

Maybe if I hadn’t been upset he wouldn’t have hurt me, or screamed at me.

Maybe it’s just me

I’m struggling with accepting that I was abused while accepting the wrongs I did in our relationship too. It’s hard to not blame myself for it when he would turn everything into my fault and I believed it. I don’t know what to believe anymore

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I’ve decided that I am giving up on dating and romance. I’ve realized that I don’t like people enough to put myself through the stress. I would likely be much happy if I changed my priorities and have up on having a family.

There are only so many years in a row you can constantly be asking yourself, “what’s wrong with me.” I think I would accomplish much more in life if I stopped being so concerned with finding a romantic partner. I’ve really never had a positive experience, so I don’t know why I keep thinking things will be different.

I always thought it was really sad when I met girls who felt this way, but I don’t think they’re so unreasonable now. I’ve come to the conclusion that while love is highly desired among humans, it’s a state that is rarely achieved. Maybe it’s irrational of us to just expect love to happen for everyone. I’ve always had a romantic flare, but I think it’s time to find fulfilment in live outside of intimate relationships.

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