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#heartbreak

I keep praying my phone will ring and it’ll be him saying, “Babe I’m sorry. I made a mistake, I fucked up. Come home.” I know he won’t, but I can’t stop imagining it.

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mental breakdowns at 5 am are fun
The thing is… everyone always tells you about the pretty side of falling in love and being in love. No one talks about the nights you spend lying awake for hours wondering if any of it is worth it. People can leave. People can fall out of love. People can change their minds. There is no way to know for sure if someone is going to stay. Love can only be secure through trust, but what about for someone who can’t trust. What about someone who was so brutally broken by the past that they never want to allow themself to fall again. Love is fucking scary.
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listen, she tells me, smoke curls from her lips, grey, musky, bitter in my nostrils and billowing into my face. she knows it suffocates me, water filling my lungs that i can’t expel no matter how violently i cough. but she laughs as she turns, blows smoke into my face. she never seems to take me seriously.

listen, she tells me, we sit side by side, shoulders touching, huddled for warmth yet we are oceans apart, collapsing water, tidal wave, engulfing ships into our icy chaos. we are calm, tranquil, soothing on some days, yet other days i feel as if i am helpless to her demands and drowning in her words.

listen, she tells me, her burning cigarette dangles from freezing fingers, supposed to keep her warm but doing nothing. she is supposed to be here for me, supposed to support me, supposed to be happy for me, and yet she is glacial and i am numb.

listen, she tells me, illuminated by dim streetlights and surrounded by eerie 2am atmosphere, odd silence and ambiguous ambiance. it is always unpredictable with her, the dread of something approaching you can’t quite explain.

listen, she tells me, finally putting out the cigarette, crunching under her boot, an ghostly hand of smoke reaching out from the tombstone of her sole. i want to tell her to stop, but my words are hushed by fear. she tells me things she knows i don’t want to hear, but forces me to listen, anyway.

— purposeful ignorance

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when the only person you really want getting attention from hurts you, what are you supposed to do? You were the only person I was sure I want to spend my life with. The person I would’ve given my life for. Now that I know you don’t even like me at all, I just simply don’t know how to handle that. This emotion is worse than everything that I’ve ever experienced and trust me, that’s really insane. Now that seeing you everyday and not being able to even look into your eyes, makes everything so much worse. I don’t know how you could to this but you did and you broke me, again. Who do you think you are?

-broken

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- You know what sucks?

Knowing fully well that all this insecurity, weakness, wanting to not exist, feeling like you’re a burden, a failure, a disappointment, a pathetic excuse of a human, like you’re annoying everyone just by existing, for not having your shitty life together, that the world would be better off without you, these are just thoughts all in your head and you can’t shut them off, and then feeling even worse

For realizing that the world has bigger problems than you being a whiny crybaby 24/7, that people are actually suffering from hunger, poverty, all kinds of abuse, illnesses, diseases, loss, heartbreak, there’s so much bad happening in the world; yet all you care about how miserable you are after having a perfect life? After having a nice place to call your home, loving parents that would do anything for your happiness, food that most people can’t afford to eat, perfectly functioning body, everything you could ever ask for in the palm of your hand?

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I don’t know how I didn’t realize but for three days before, he never said “I love you too” when I texted him “I love you.” I didn’t think anything of it at the time, and now I can’t stop thinking about it.

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Before, whenever I was this upset, I could just go to him and he’d hold me. I don’t know how to get over it on my own anymore

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“out of all the people i could’ve fallen for,

why did it have to be the one that couldn’t love me back?”

- why did it have to be you, why did it have to be me /#37

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