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marvelslut16 · 5 years

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Can’t fight this feeling I

Pairing: Jim Hopper x Wheeler!reader

Synopsis: A reader insert where the reader is Mike’s oldest sister, who has already graduated and works at the police station. She has always been infatuated with Hopper, and he seems to be quite taken with her as well. This part takes place in season 1 episodes 1 and 2.

Word count: 4616

Warnings: swearing probably. Age gap relationship. And eventual Stranger Things canon gore.

Author’s note: this is going to be super long, eventually I’ll do all three seasons. So read at your own risk. I may continue into season 4, it depends on the fate of Hopper honestly.

“Hey (Y/N),” Dustin calls from the doorway. “There's a slice left if you want. Pepperoni and sausage.”

“Thanks sweetheart,” I walk over to him, grab the piece of pizza from the box and kiss his cheek. “How about I walk you out?” I wink at him.

“Okay!” he gives you a toothless smile as heat rises to his cheeks from the kiss.

“How long were you guys in the basement for?” I ask as we walk down the stairs.

“So far it was ten hours, but the quest still isn’t over yet.”

“Well if I ever get time off, maybe I could join you guys for the next one.”

“That would be awesome!” Dustin exclaims as we walk out to the garage.

“Bye Lucas! Bye Dustin!” I call as they start to bike away.

“The roll was a seven,” Will says to Mike before turning to me. “I’ll see you tomorrow right?”

“Yep,” I smile at the younger boy. “I’m hanging out with Jonathan tomorrow after work. Have a goodnight Will.”

As Will bikes away I throw my arm around Mikes shoulder and pull him into my side. He leans into my side as the lights flicker.

“That was weird,” I murmur. Mike shrugs it off before walking back into the house.

The next morning we’re all sitting down at the table eating eggs for breakfast. The phone starts to ring and mom groans. Mike and Nancy are bickering, dad is watching the tv, and Holly starts crying. I smooth my dress pants down as I hurry towards the phone so mom doesn’t have to.

“Hello?” I ask as I glance over at the time, shit I’m running late.

“(Y/N)? It’s Joyce.” The bickering behind me gets louder, I snap my fingers at my siblings to get them to quiet down.

“Hi Joyce, is something up with Jonathan?” I ask.

Jonathan Byers, my best friend for as long as I can remember. I’m two years older than him, meaning he’s the same age as my younger sister Nancy. Not that they talk to each other, Nancy may not be the Queen of the school, but her friend group still doesn’t mix with him. Jonathan has always been shy and kept to himself, but we just clicked when we met each other.

“Nothings wrong with Jonathan,” the slight smile can be heard in her voice. Joyce always loved that I could get Jonathan out of his shell, and that I never judged him. “But was that Will I heard?”

“No, just Mike and Nancy,” my eyebrows furrow in confusion.

“Will didn't spend the night?” The worry in Joyce’s voice grows more prominent.

“No, I saw him off around eight last night,” I frown and glance back at Mike. “He's not home?”

“I-I was working late last night, and so was Jonathan. I'm sure he just left early for school.”

“If you want to talk to Hop, I’ll sit with you while he fills out the report. I’m leaving for the station in like five minutes.”

“Thanks (Y/N),” Joyce sighs in relief. “I’ll see you there,” and the phone clicks.

“I’ll see you guys later,” I smile at my family as I grab my bag.

“Who was on the phone?” mom asks.

“It was Jonathan,” I lie effortlessly. “He was telling me we might have to change our plans for tonight.” I kiss Holly on the head and ruffle Mike’s hair before heading to the door. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m already running late!”

Being late didn’t matter, I was still earlier than Hop. Police Chief Jim Hopper, I’ve been smitten with the older man for four years now. There was just something about his brooding and slight beer belly that was all pure man that made me crush on him and his cynical personality.

“Good of you to show,” Flo gives Hopper a look as he walks through the door. I give Joyce a reassuring smile before heading into the bullpen behind Hopper, my heels clicking as I walk.

“Mornin' to you too, Flo,” Hopper heads straight for the coffee machine. Callahan and Powell look up from a game of five-card draw, their boots kicked up on their desks.

“You look like hell, Chief,” Callahan points out the obvious.

“Your girlfriend looked worse when I left her,” Hopper retorts. I sigh rolling my eyes at the men. Powell cackles at this.

As Hopper is making himself a cup of coffee Flo walks up to him and takes his cigarette out of his mouth and snubs it out. I can’t help but laugh at the interaction.

“While you were drinking or sleeping or whatever it is you deem so important on Monday mornings,” Flo starts laying into him.”Phil Larson called, said some kids stole the gnomes out of his garden again-”

“Gnomes again, huh? Yeah, tell Phil I'll get right on that-” he cuts her off. Hopper already has another cigarette in his mouth and coffee in his hand. Flo follows him as he makes his way towards his office, which I’m in his way of getting to.

“You’re late,” I snap at him. “Joyce Byers called.”

“I’ll call her back in a minute,” he fake promises.

“This is actually important,” I snap again. His brows furrow at my attitude, no matter how annoying he is, I’ve never been this snippy with him.

“What have we talked about? Mornings are a time for coffee and contemplation,” he grins down at me.

“You’re so annoying,” I roll my eyes at him.

“Why do I even employ you again?” he teases me.

“I don’t know, ask yourself that. You’re the one that hired me, not the other way around. Now back to Joyce-”

“Coffee and contemplation,” he brushes past me.

I quickly follow behind him as he makes his way to his office. Hopper almost spills his coffee when he sees that Joyce is already in his office. He spins around and looks at me accusingly.

“I tried to warn you!” I threw my hands up in defense. “But like I said, this is actually important Hopper.”

“I’ve been waiting for an hour!” Joyce exclaims. “Luckily, (Y/N) was here to keep me calm.”

Joyce and Hopper go back and forth for a while, debating if Will is really missing or just playing hookie.

“What’s wrong with his clothes?” Hopper asks when Joyce mentions that he gets picked on for them.

“I-I don't know. Does it matter?” Joyce questions.

“Maybe,” Hopper responds.

“No,” I roll my eyes at him again.

“Lonnie...Lonnie always said he was queer-” Joyce whispers. “Is he?” Hopper asks.

“He’s missing! His sexuality has nothing to do with that!” I glare at him.

“Maybe he’s with Lonnie,” Hopper says, stroking his beard.

“No,” Joyce and I say in unison. Hopper and Joyce continue to bicker about whether Will is with Lonnie or not.

“Find my son Hop,” Joyce says sternly. She gives my hand a quick squeeze before heading out.

“Hopper-” I start.

“Not now (Y/N),” he sighs.

“I guess you don’t care that I’m one of the last people that saw Will then?” I smirk as I plop down in the seat across from him.

“What?” his eyes snap up to meet mine as he lights yet another cigarette.

“Yesterday, Will was at my house all day. He was with Mike and their friends. I saw all of the boys off around eight last night. He didn’t seem like he was running away Hopper, he told me he’d see me today.”

“Was he planning to see Mike again today?” Hopper asks.

“No. I was supposed to go see Jonathan after work today. Will seemed set on seeing me later today, Hop.”

“What are the kids names?” he asks grabbing a pen and paper, but not before squinting his eyes at me.

“Michael Wheeler, Dustin Henderson, and Lucas Sinclair.” He grabs the paper and heads out of his office.

“You coming or not?” he calls over his shoulder, and I hurry to follow him.

At the school I sit on the arm of the couch that the threes boys are squished on. Across from us is Hopper and Callahan. I put my arm on the back of the couch and rest my right hand on Mikes shoulder while Dustin holds onto my left hand, and I give Lucas a smile and a nod since I can’t reach him.

“(Y/N) says she saw you guys off, was this before you guys were- uh- racing?” he asks Hopper asks the boys.

All three boys start to talk over each other, but I’m used to it and can follow what they’re saying. Hopper on the other hand keeps growing more and more frustrated with their antics. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. One at a time,” Hopper points at Mike. “You. You said he takes...what?”

“Mirkwood,” Mike says and I smirk.

"Mirkwood?" Hopper turns to Callahan. “You ever hear of a "Mirkwood?" “Sounds made-up,” he responds.

“It’s from Lord of the Rings. Well the Hobbit actually-” I smile at the older men’s confusion.

“You remember?” Dusting gives me another toothless smile.

“Of course I do!” I laugh and squeeze his hand. “You kept telling me I had to read them.”

“That’s not important!” Lucas glares at Dustin.

“I know but-” Dustin starts talking over him.

“Hey! What'd I just say? One at a damn time,” Hop snaps before pointing at Mike again. “You.” “Mirkwood. It's a real road. It's just the name that's made-up-” Hopper cuts off his explanation.

“What's its real name?”

“It's where Cornwallis and Kerley meet,” I look Hop in the eye as I speak. He doesn’t tear his eyes from me as he writes down the roads.

“We can show you where it is,” Mike adds hopefully.

“No!” Hop and I snap at the same time.

“After school you all go straight home,” he glares at the boys. “No biking around looking for your friend. This isn’t some Lord of the Rings book-”

“The Hobbit,” Dustin corrects him. I can’t stop my laugh from coming out, and Hop’s glare shifts from the boys to me. I hide my face Dustin’s small shoulder and giggle quietly into it.

“Do I make myself clear?” Hop borderline yells. The boys all nod, and Dustin squeezes my hand. After Hop and Callahan head out of the office Mike stands and gives me a quick hug.

“I love you little man, but listen to Hop. All of you,” I look at Dustin and Lucas. “This is dangerous. We’ll find him.”

“(Y/N)!” Hop yells from down the hall.

“I’ll see you three later,” I give them a small smile before leaving the three alone in the office.

“You think they’ll listen to me?” Hop asks me.

“Honestly? Probably not,” I sigh before getting into the back of his truck.

“Stay in the car,” Hop looks at me as he heads towards the woods.

“Not likely,” I mutter when he’s a little ways away. Slipping off my heels I head out to join the officers in their search for Will.

“Hey I got something here!” Hopper calls. I run over to his side and see the bike.

“It’s Will’s,” I whisper. His glare softens when he sees the tears welling up in my eyes. “He’d never leave his bike behind. If he was hurt he would still manage to take it with him.”

Hopper turns to Callahan and Powell, “follow us to the Byers’s house.” He grabs the bike and heads back to his truck. I quietly slip into the passenger seat and slip my heels back on.

“I thought I told you to stay in the car,” Hopper says sternly as he slams his door shut.

“I’m not helpless, ya know. I’m just trying to find Will.” Hopper doesn’t speak for the rest of the car ride.

As Hopper and I pull up to the house, Joyce and Jonathan come running outside. Their faces fall as Hop pulls Will’s bike out of the back of the truck.

“(Y/N),” Jonathan whispers. My face scrunches as I fight back the tears. I open my arms wide and he immediately runs into them and buries his face in my neck.

“We can still find him, he could still be out there,” I run my fingers gently through his hair.

“What’s Hopper doing,” he asks looking up.

I catch the tail end of a glare Hop sent our way before he goes stomping into the house. “He’s just making sure Will isn’t hiding somewhere in the house.”

“He can’t honestly think we haven’t checked-”

“It’s just to make sure Jonathan. Before they set up a search party.” I grab his hand and pull him inside. Callahan and Powell are searching his room, so we head that way. Callahan is staring at Jonathan’s Evil Dead poster while Powell is checking under the bed. I frown at their lack of enthusiasm, they aren’t even trying.

“Who’s is this?” Powell holds up one of my shirts. He raises an eyebrow at Jonathan.

“Uh-” he stutters.

“That’s mine,” I rip it out of Powell’s hand. “Thanks for finding it! I was looking everywhere for it.” Powell and Callahan share a look before they start laughing at us. I shoot them a deadly glare, and they actually shut up.

“Hey kid, you got some water or juice or something? Dying here,” Powell bugs Jonathan. The teen nods and leads the group to the kitchen.

After a few minutes Callahan heads out to check on Hopper, who was checking the shed out back.

“Did you two find anything other than a beverage?” Hopper gives them a disapproving look when he walks in.

“Yeah, (Y/N)’s shirt was under Jonathan’s bed,” Callahan laughs and wiggles his eyebrows.

“Just because I sleep here sometimes doesn’t mean I sleep with anyone,” I glare at the two laughing officers.

“I didn’t hire you two to gossip,” he snaps at them.

“You know (Y/N), if you ever want to lose a shirt again,” Callahan grins. “I definitely wouldn’t mind if you lost it at my place.”

“Callahan!” Hopper roars. I shrink back slightly, not used to the threatening tone. Hopper turns to me and his face and voice soften, “c’mon. I’ll take you home.” In the car Hop fills me in on the search party and what time he’ll pick me up so we can meet up with everyone else.

“We've been over this. The chief said-” Mom starts telling Mike he can’t leave the house tonight as we eat dinner.

“I don't care what the chief said,” Mike grumbles.

“Mike!” a look of disbelief crosses my face.

“He's not even real police, Mom,” Mike continues. “We have to do something! Will could be in danger!”

“More reason to stay put,” mom argues. “End of discussion.”

“So...me and Barb...we're gonna study for the chemistry test at her house tonight. That's cool, right?” Nancy asks. I’m flabbergasted that she thinks mom will say yes to her.

“No. Not cool,” looks up from her food and at Nancy.

“What? Why not?” Nancy whines.

“Why do you think? Am I speaking Chinese in this house? Until we know Will's okay, no one leaves,” mom says sternly. The two argue back and forth for a while, even going as far as to blame Will for why she can’t leave.

I quickly stand up from my seat and clear my dishes. “And where do you think you’re going?” Mom asks me.

“Out to look for Will,” I look at her like she’s crazy for thinking I wouldn’t.

“How come she can go out?” Nancy’s voice goes up an octave as she whines.

“It’s my job,” I deadpan as I pull on my gym shoes. When Hopper dropped me off earlier I changed into more comfortable clothes that I could trek through the woods in. “And Hop’s here now, so I have to go,” as if on cue there's a honk from outside. “I promise I’ll be safe.” I run out the door and into the Blazer.

“Look at you all casual,” Hop jokes, lighting up a cigarette.

“What can I say? It’s search party chic,” I softly smile. But that drops soon after as thoughts of Will and Jonathan flood my mind.

“What are you thinking about?” Hopper gives me a quick glance, before turning back to the street.

“I can’t imagine what Jonathan must be feeling,” I play with the hem of my sweater. “If it was Mike I would be a wreck. Especially if I was supposed to be there when he got home instead of work, like Jonathan.”

“We’ll find him,” Hop promises, as his right hand reaches across the car and engulfs my left one.

“Good,” I blink back my rising tears, squeezing Hops hand for reassurance. I’m so upset I almost miss the butterflies fluttering because of our contact, almost.

I’m walking beside Hop in silence as a middle aged man with a mustache walks up to us. “He’s a good student,” the man tells us.

“What’s that?” Hop asks.

“Will. He's a good student. A great one, actually. I can't fathom him getting into any kind of trouble,” the man says, Hop nods before looking away.

“You’re Mr. Clarke, right?” I ask.

“Yeah,” he smiles at me. “But feel free to call me Scott.”

“I’m (Y/N) Wheeler,” we briefly shake hands. “Mike loves your class and AV club. All of those boys do,” I smile at him.

“They all talk fondly of you too, Dustin the most,” he admits.

“I’m not surprised,” I laugh and smile brightly. “Dustin isn’t that good at hiding his feelings. He’s a sweet boy who wears his heart on his sleeve, some girl is gonna come and steal his heart one of these days.”

Scott turns back to Hop, “I don’t think we’ve officially met. I teach at Hawkins Middle.

Earth and Biology.” Hopper shakes his hand, then averts his gaze.

“Always had a distaste for science,” Hop admits, I smack his arm lightly.

“Maybe you had a bad teacher,” Scott tries to save the conversation.

“Ms. Ratliff was a nasty piece of work,” Hop says, and I nod in agreement.

“Ratliff? You bet. She's still kicking around, believe it or not,” Scott adds.

“Oh I believe it. Mummies don't die, or so (Y/N) keeps telling me,” Hop smiles down at me.

“So you're local?” Scott tries again.

“Class of fifty-eight,” Hop murmurs.

“Sixty-two. Just missed each other.”

“Class of eighty-three,” I add with a small smile. Scott laughs lightly as Hop stares off into space, lost in thought.

“Sara, my daughter. Galaxies, the universe, whatnot: She always understood that stuff,” Hopper suddenly says. My eyes soften as I turn to look at him, he’s only ever talked to me about her once. He was drunk off his ass when he called the house late that night, I’m sure he doesn’t even remember it. “Maybe she got it from her mother, I dunno. There's enough down here, I don't need to go lookin' elsewhere.”

“Your daughter. What grade is she?” Scott asks, as I silently cringe. “Maybe I'll get her in my class.”

“She lives in the city. With her mother,” Hopper lies, and my heart breaks. He’s in so much pain.

“Oh,” Hopper slaps Scott on the back.

“Thanks for coming out, teach,” Hop walks ahead of us, trying to distance himself from the conversation.

A nearby volunteer whispers to Scott, “She passed a few years back.” My fists ball up at my sides, who does this lady think she is?

“Sorry?” Scott asks rightfully confused.

“His kid,” the volunteer specifies. Scott’s face darkens as he looks back up at Hop.

“Gossiping gets you nowhere,” I glare at the lady. “Hop wait up!”

I yawn for the hundredth time as Hopper and I walk up to the Byers’ door. The door opens almost immediately after Hop knocks on it.

“We’ve been waiting six hours,” Joyce complains, I just yawn in response.

“I know,” Hopper sighs. “We came as soon as we could.”

“Six hours,” Joyce repeats.

“A little trust here, alright?” Hopper asks. “We've been searching all night.”

“Went all the way to Cartersville,” I add as Jonathan pulls me into a side hug. We both slump into each other, holding each other up.

“And?” Joyce asks.

“Nothing,” Hop sighs. Jonathan’s grip on me tightens. “Flo says you got a phone call?”

“Oh, yeah,” Joyce nods, leading us to the phone, which is now charred.

“Storm barbecued this pretty good,” Hopper observes.

Jonathan pulls me into his room and immediately digs around in his drawers. Soon enough he’s chucking a pair of sweatpants and a warmer sweater at me.

“You’re the best,” I smile at him. Jonathan exists the room so I can change.

“And you think I don't know my own son's breathing?” Joyce’s voice raises, and I quickly rush out of the room so I can join the other three. “Wouldn't you know your own daughter's?”

“You hear from, uh, Lonnie yet?” Hop changes the subject.

“No,” Joyce admits.

“It's been long enough,” Hop grunts. “I'm having him checked out.”

“Oh, come on!” Joyce protests. “You're wasting your time,” calling after us, as Hopper guides me towards the door.

“Hey, Hopper,” Jonathan says as he walks us out of the house. “Let me go.”

“I'm sorry?” Hop asks.

“To Lonnie's,” Jonathan clarifies. “You know, if Will's there, it means he ran away,” I squeeze Jonathan’s hand as his voice wavers. “And if he sees the cops, he'll think he's in trouble. He'll...He'll hide. You know, he's good at hiding.”

“Yeah?” Hop asks again “Well, cops are good at finding.”

“I’ll go with him,” I intervene.

“No,” Hop snaps. “ You are going home and sleeping.” Turning back to Jonathan, he points at him, “Stay here with your mom. She needs you.”

“I’ll return your clothes later,” I kiss Jonathan’s cheek before climbing into the truck. I wave at his shrinking figure as we drive away.

“Get some sleep kid,” Hop says to me. “No looking around on your own.”

“Let me come search with you,” I protest.

“You need sleep. And my guess is that Mike stayed home today,” Hop’s voice softens. “He needs you right now.”

“I guess you’re right,” I sigh.

“Always am,” he grins at me, eliciting a giggle from me. “I’ll pick you up again tonight.”

“Pinky promise?” I ask, sticking my pinky in front of his face. He laughs and shakes his head at my antics, before hooking his larger pinky around mine.

“I promise,” he says softly.

When I enter the house I can hear Mike's muffled voice coming from his room. He’s probably on his walkie talking with Lucas. My heart rate picks up when I hear a girls muffled voice responding to him. Mike doesn’t talk to girls, so why is there one in his room?

I quietly make my way to his door, where a girl around his age with a shaved head is sitting on his bed. I let out a long sigh as I lean against the doorway. Mike jumps at the sound, while the girls eyes widen and she cowers.

“Mike?” I ask in disbelief.

“It’s not what it looks like!” he assures.

“So you don’t have a girl I’ve never seen before in your room when you thought you were home alone?” I raise an eyebrow at him. “You’re as bad as Nancy.”

“We found her out in the rain last night-”

“You three went out in the rain after Hop and I told you guys no?” my voice goes up an octave. “I can’t lose you Mike, you guys need to listen to us.” I slide down the door frame and sit on the floor.

“Yeah, yeah, save the lecture for later,” he rolls his eyes.

“This isn’t a joke Michael! You can’t go back out with us tonight.”

“He’s my best friend!”

“And your my little brother! My first priority is making sure you’re safe. And you need to be safe and healthy for when we find Will.”

“Speaking of finding Will, El can help us!” Mike insists.

“El?” I ask

“It’s short for a Eleven, that’s her name.”

“That's quite a unique name,” I smile at the girl, who is still sitting on his bed. Oh I wish I was curled up in a bed.

“She has powers,” Mike insists.

“Like from your comics and game?” I ask slightly annoyed now.

“You look tired,” Mike tries to change the subject.

“I was out all night looking for Will, I haven’t slept in more than twenty-four hours,” I roll my eyes. “Sorry I don’t look like Farrah Fawcett.”

Before Mike can come up with some witty remark, mom pulls into the driveway. Freaking out, Mike shoves El into the closet.

“Ted is that you?” mom calls up the stairs when she hears Mike arguing with El to get in his closet.

“It’s just us mom,” Mike calls, pulling me down the stairs with him. “I just... I don't feel good. I woke up and my head, it really hurt bad,” Mike lies when we reach her. “And my throat was all scratchy, and I wanted to tell you, but the last time I told you I was sick you made me go to school anyway, and-”

“Michael,” mom cuts in.

“Yeah?” he asks nervously.

“I'm not mad at you,” she looks down at him.

“No?” he asks confused.

“No, of course not,” she sighs. “All this that's been going on with Will, I can't imagine what it's been like for you. I want you to feel like you can talk to me. I never want you to feel like you have to hide anything from me. I'm here for you. Okay?”

“Okay,” Mike says back and I shoot him a look. A thud comes from his closet upstairs and his eyes widen.

“Is someone else here?” mom asks.

“No, it was probably just my bag falling off my bed,” I wrap my arm around Mike’s shoulders, before yawning yet again.

“How was last night?” mom turns to me.

“Long,” I sigh.

“Anything new?” I shake my head and look at the ground. “You look tired.”

“Exhausted,” I weakly smile at her. “I should sleep, Hop demanded it.”

“He did?” he eyebrow raises and Mike smirks up at me.

“I fell asleep in the truck on the way to the Byers’ house this morning. Plus he’s picking me up again in a few hours for the search.”

“I don’t like you spending so much one on one time with him,” she crosses her arms.

“He’s my boss, Mom! What, do you just want me to quit or something?”

“I want you to go to college,” she gives me one of those mom looks.

“I’m not having this conversation again,” I huff turning to head up the stairs.

“You’re wasting your perfect GPA,” she calls after me.

“And that’s my decision to make!” Mike runs up the stairs after me.

“Hopper huh?” he teases.

“Shut it,” I warn, playfully pushing him to the side.

“Which one of us is Nancy now?”

“Still you, I’m not sneaking behind mom’s back,” I smirk down at him. “I won’t say anything, just please be careful. And if something happens, come to me or Hopper, we’ll help. And if she needs clothes, you can look through some of my old stuff. Something’s bound to fit her,” I kiss his head before heading to my room.

“Thanks,” he calls after me.

“I love you Mike,” I smile back at him.

“I love you too (Y/N),” he smiles.

Part 2

Tags: @crimson-knuckled-queen

#jim hopper #jim hopper x reader #jim hopper x you #stranger things #stranger things imagine #chief hopper #hopper is alive #hopper x reader #hopper #stranger things season 1 #stranger things season 2 #stranger things season 3 #hopper is daddy #jim hopper fanfic #jim hopper my love #can't fight this feeling

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katzirra · 7 years

Text

Body, listen...

Your TMI fun facts of the day;

So the annoying thing about my brain and body on the sexual reactive front is sometimes body decides it’s gonna do what it wants, even though I am not comprehending, ingesting, nor processing, anything to make it react there.

“Whoops!! You feel that suddenly? No idea where it came from, but have fun with that!!” It’s in that same vein with minding my own business, not remotely thinking about anything, and suddenly my brain will be like “Hey man, you know what would be nice? Going down on a girl.” And I literally scream into the distance. That’s nice for two major reasons anyway; a healthy feeling of control, and man wow, girls are pretty and make pretty faces and sounds~

My personal favorite annoyance is how much I hate the I can’t actually get off, or attempt to, unless I’m in a relationship. I also have to pretty much feel allowed to get off to the idea of my partner too~ What a weird hang up!!

On top of that, if I have any concerns or worries in said relationship? I can’t in good conscious get myself off either. This is especially fun when I feel I’m more into my partner than they are me, which is easily 9/10 tbh?? It becomes like... I don’t know, man. It’s annoying. My ratio of want to get off versus get off is very small. It’s awful.

This essentially means [outside of a relationship] I have little to NO sex drive, and any time I have a spike on my radar of “Hey, I know it’s been a while but, uh, here’s that feeling... I think it’s called... being horny? Don’t quote me on that. But it’s your problem now.” I can’t even do anything about it, because I know I’ll get bored laying there trying to get anywhere, and get frustrated because I don’t meet an end.

It becomes “Go the fuck to bed and avoid it” - like brain can’t adhere to the ‘normal’ shit people do like read or watch stuff, lmao!! But in a relationship it becomes a weird spike event randomy at certain phrases or implied actions that my brain creates a response to, and it’s like “CHILL.” and usually I can’t do anything about it unless purposely provoked or tugged at anyway. Whoop.

Like I’ve actually tried looking into this, if there’s something this is at least CALLED? Or a reason FOR it? All I find is mm, hey I don’t get off with my partner - and it’s like nah dude, the issue is I can only get off when I have one. I’m just. It’s so irritating. The only thing I can think is if this falls on the demisexual scale somehow, because the emotional and such bond to someone - but I don’t know?? But It’s something I periodically look up because?? Why?? Like this?? I just wanna fucking get off some days without worrying about it, geez.

More often than not, I just want to know if this is just part of my attraction focus wheel, or if it’s something I might have mentally blocked out? But it’s not the latter I’m pretty sure, since I have no reason to block sexual ANYTHING out, but I’m just?? Why am I like this? I use to think I was probably asexual, like I had the urges now and then, but it wasn’t like on my list and a bunch of other things - but that’s not the case considering. Like if I have a legitimate emotional and physical attraction I am about it, it’s just that that’s prior to current, never been the situation.

Sexuality and self identification is a wild ride, kids.

Mm. In all honesty, since I’m on the subject anyway, the one person I ever had sex with I just wasn’t even really... there? It’s so strange to me to look back at things and tilt my head realizing how much I was not into K at all...? I was attracted to them aesthetically and some aspects of their personality, but even that I’m just... no, not really. I was used, and I wasn’t respected at all honestly. Nothing actually burns my inner fire more like knowing someone respects me or is proud of me? So a lack of it is just such a bucket of water on EVERYTHING.

Like, it’s so funny when I think of things that make me into someone, or things that are considered ‘turn ons’. There’s basic shit like neck bites and little bites period I love, and light scratching or like just being a little rough handsy period I guess? But then it’s like I THINK ABOUT THAT FUCKING KINK JOKE POST ABOUT “MY KINK IS FEELING APPRECIATED AND LOVED” and someone yelling I’M K*INKSHAMING. Because holy shit though like maybe it’s the leo ego thing with making me feel important?? But literally if I’m into you sexually, it is probably because there’s a mutual respect and I feel safe as well as I find you attractive?? And that’s the hilarious thing is that’s a reason I’m INTO someone?? Make me feel respected and wanted and important to you, and give any kind of little praise and I am le swoon and smitten~ Throw in some physical shit and I am but a WEAK woman completely at your mercy~

But like, that’s the thing. I had rough kisses and laughing during sex, which is what I love... you have to be able to have fun with your partner, I love having fun with a partner. I love a little roughhousing here and there at times - but it’s like... that wasn’t enough. The sex was... bad? Like I enjoy getting a girl off, it feels nice, it sooounds nice, and it looks nice~ I’m good at it, but like... getting me off is a chore if I’m not into it or you, and I know this from first hand experience? - I’m mad at this pun...

But at the time I had explained to them that it was difficult for me, and they insisted they could get me off, and it kinda just turned into me staring at the ceiling, and laughing because the insides of my thighs are way too sensitive and ticklish?? Also they just couldn’t stay on task and I have but the neediest little clit I guess.

But I would up getting bored, lying and just kinda being done lmao. I think I had a better time having phone sex, whoops~ That’s the other thing, is I have a heavy response to sounds and just... man. Played it up and I was just softly and harshly whispers, naaah..

I think the only nice experience sexually with them, was we woke up one morning and I can still feel the temperature of the room and see the colors through the windows and in the room... and just lazily kissing and getting eachother off. Too tired to think or respond really. That was the simplest and nicest thing I can think about the physical side of that weekend.

Like the more I ever reflect on that weekend, which is sadly kind of often because even any time I brush my teeth in my bathroom and catch my reflection? I can literally only think of them coming behind me, hugging me and saying my body was just their liking and... it sucks. Because like, that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said about this body that I hate? I hate my body. I hate it from my boobs to my baby fat pooch I can’t get rid of, to my thighs I can’t do anything about no matter how much work I do. It’s not that I’m fat that I hate it. Fat is beautiful on people, I just don’t like looking this way for myself. This is not how I want to look. I can work with it and make it pretty, and I look BEAUTIFUL sometimes, but it’s not the body I want to be in.

But that comment haunts me, because I was 20lbs lighter than I am now, and I... that was the nicest thing I’d ever heard. So that memory flashes randomly sometimes and I just sort of freeze before shaking my head, because with it comes the whole weekend. That weekend was a nightmare. It was a mistake. I can’t believe I wasted my time and money. I can’t go back in time and change it but it’s just... fuck, dude.

It wasn’t even a good booty call, how terrible is that?

But it’s like...landing there and being WHISKED OFF~ I went to my first con, I went to an Akira exhibit even and wanted to cry... like I was so happy with the chance to see that stuff in PERSON. The Kaneda jacket, the stills, the large sketches, the POSTERS - it was the coolest thing. And there I was with K, who was cheating on their boyfriend at the time. And I was trying to act okay with this, because they were going to dump him. How much of a naive asshole did I have to be? But I mean, there’s more to this story than this so... mm.

But I went down there because I was asked to. Because we’d been ‘dating’ a month, and they’d last seen me two or three months prior. Apparently it was a booty call. A couple hundred miles away... booty call. I laugh now at times because I mean, at least I learned what I like in a bedroom setting or from kisses, but christ.

Like there were cute parts to the weekend, don’t get me wrong... but... mm. Like it’s so much bad stuff?? Or immature shit? Stuff that rubbed me wrong? I love Flo*ence and the Mac*ine but like I still kinda feel a chill up my spine when I hear one of her songs? I ignore it because nO ONE CAN TAKE MUSIC FROM ME. I WILL BECOME IMMUNE AND NUMB TO THE PAIN IN TIME but I just... K drank so fucking much... and DROVE US TO THE HOTEL YELLING THE LYRICS TO THIS SONG and I just remember feeling worried about what was wrong. All I ever do is what is asked of me, and I came there on their request to see me, I went along with everywhere they wanted to take me - I wound up asleep, feeling sick from nerves, them DRAPED behind me... and eventually wound up sitting on the side of the tub holding their hair as they got sick.

Reasons I don’t like margaritas. Too bitter. And they drank a pitcher alone pretty much. -soft hums-

I... just. It was weird. To feel wanted but not wanted. To have someone wash your hair in the shower and steal kisses in the store when you were mid sentence [which I also find adorable and laugh at and love] and... to find yourself not wanting them to touch you when you slept. Feeling odd being requested to cuddle up to them. I wasn’t... attached the way I thought I was? But I was scared to hurt them after a while because they... I mean... they SOBBED on me for five hours about going home. I spent my last day consoling someone when I should have probably been the sobbing one??

Everything is so estranged when I look back... I struggle in things now a days because everything they said to me and promised me. It’s all the ideal things you want to hear. I never imagined getting married before until it was asked of me if I’d ever thought about it. How pretty I’d be.

Just weird shit man. But this is the person who would tell me a year ago I was upset with them for not picking me, and jumping into another relationship? When I was upset because I was tired of trying to be normal friends and being flirted with because I was uncomfortable?

I was upset with being summoned for petting egos and getting emotional fulfillment from, and yet being brushed off and felt... weird even TALKING. I’m so thankful to Stephanie for making me see shit and giving me firepower to tell them to fuck off, because I just... don’t care anymore? I don’t care about them. I can’t imagine their face really even anymore.

I just don’t care. But I just vividly remember shit because that’s what I have to go off of for one, and for two? It’s so fucking strange to pull back and realize I... didnt’ love these people.

I didn’t love any of them beyond mistaking friendship and lineliness for love. And that makes me feel no better than them. Unconsciously using someone versus being used intentionally is different but in the end it’s the same and I just... I think that’s another part of why I’m really vocal about how I feel for Becca. Because it’s different feeling. It’s not just a need for being with someone or to not feel lonely. It’s not a need for anything.

Yes we fight and yes things aren’t always good with communicating but unlike everyone else she gave me the choice to speak up about things and she wants this to work out, and she doesn’t throw her hands up like it’s too much stress even though sometimes it fucking sure seems like it.

It’s different and that’s probably why I dwell on old things so much is because it makes me feel guilty for a second, but it kind of melts away into a weird sadness. Not melancholy but... it just aches a little for the wasted time and effort and emotions? Wasted energy caring abotu stuff I want to put so far behind me...

I respond different. I think different. I still withdraw out of fear, but that’s a reflex. You get punched so many times, you’re going to back away and be small when someone raises a voice. Mm.

CASUALLY MAKES A POST ABOUT BODY NEEDS TO NOT RANDOMLY BE WET FOR NO REASON, ENDS UP GOING ON ABOUT MY BODY IS A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE FOR ME, TOUCHES ON SO SOME DEEP SEEDED SHIT THAT BOTHERS ME, GOES INTO HOW I FEEL LIKE A BAD PERSON, WRAPS UP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND IS REALLY IMPORTANT AND I’M GAY.

FUCKING, KAT POSTS.

#kat talks #TMI #pretty TMI just had a flash memory so there's that dump for you

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