#how did pintrest mess up this badly? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sinesalvatorem · 6 years

Text

How To Care About Life Again

I started writing this as a reblog on a post about how “A depression” (ie, depression characterised by apathy and anhedonia, as opposed to things like self-destructiveness) is rarely discussed. However, the OP is like a paragraph and what I wrote got much longer, so I made it into its own post.

I occasionally experience depression (less often these days) and it’s almost always this kind! Apathy and anhedonia really really suck, since they remove all the reasons you’d want to be alive. This won’t always work, but here’s what often helps me:

1) Explicitly decide not to be productive. I know this can sound scary and counter-intuitive, but bear with me. A lot of the time, when I feel A* depression, I feel like there’s a bunch of super important stuff I should be doing right now. And, if I’m not doing them, how can I possibly let myself indulge in anything else? So I’ll withdraw from everything because I have to do that until I’ve forced myself out of bed and into the work I need to do, right?

Nah, fam. That’s counterproductive as hell; at least in my experience. In practice, I just don’t do anything, and feel worse and worse and less able to do. So the first step in halting this process is to declare to myself “Today I won’t do anything important”. Today, specifically, is a day for completely unimportant things. If something comes to mind that’s important enough to feel scary, write it down so you’ll know you can pick it up tomorrow.

Sit down. Take five deep breaths. Every time you breath, remind yourself that it would be OK to do this for the entire rest of the day. That even if all you did today was breath, you would still have succeeded. In fact, if you want to take more than five, go ahead. Keep breathing in tranquility and breathing out guilt. Whenever you find yourself actually believing that you’re allowed to relax, you can...

2) Decide what unimportant things you like. Now that you’ve freed up a whole day from the anxiety that you should be doing things you hate, it’s time to find things you love. Unfortunately, as noted, your brain has stopped loving everything. That’s OK! We can work with that.

What are the things your mind spends extra time on? Try to go through your memories of things you did yesterday, things you did last summer, hobbies your friends have, neat ideas you saw on Tumblr or Pintrest, etc. Don’t try to rush because you have forever. Just naturally let your mind rest on the things in your memory that draw your attention. Why did this get your attention? Is there anything in this activity that you like?

If there’s an activity that gets your attention, you should try doing it. Yes, I know, you don’t have the spoons, you won’t do it right, etc. But remember: You already decided you weren’t going to be productive today. You don’t have to do the activity well! You don’t actually have a standard to meet. You can simply act - and act badly. Even if you stop five minutes in, to have tried something purely because it seemed cool is its own victory over the emptiness. Congratulate yourself. Breath.

3) When you find something to do, immerse in it. We’ve already established that you don’t have to do the thing you’re doing correctly. There’s no “right” way to do things today. As such, whatever thing you do, you should be looking for ways to put as much of yourself into it as possible, even if you think the you you add will mess it up. That’s fine! Messing up is the point. If you listen to music, then dance badly to it. Really badly. Any silly move that you know you can’t actually pull off and people would laugh at you for - indulge. If you play videogames, purposefully find ways to go off path to see what the true constraints of the game are. If you cook, throw some random shit in that will mess up your dish but be very interesting anyway.

The point is: Fail. Overextend yourself. Put all of you in, even when you think that will fuck it up. In my case, A depression is usually caused by me holding back from the world. I don’t want to think about it and I don’t want it to think about me. Just the idea of trying to deal with things makes me tired. The point of the exercise is to build a sandbox in which it’s safe to engage as deeply as you want, and then don’t. hold. back.

4) Care about your comfort. Now that you’re engaged with the world, you might occasionally notice discomfort. Your feet might ache, or you might feel out of breath, or you might be a bit thirsty. If you ever feel discomfort - however mild and unjustified - you should notice it. And then you can try to do something about it. If you can make yourself slightly more comfortable by shifting in your seat, that’s worth doing.

Typically, when apathetic, I just stop caring about making minor improvements to my comfort level, because that’s Not Important. But, hey, today is the day of Not Important. Go wild on unimportant things, like your wellbeing! Even the smallest things - if you can see a way to make your momentary experience slightly nicer in a sustainable way, just go ahead.

Turn up or down the lights or temperature. Find the environmental variables that are right for you. Breath deeply any time you feel anxious. Stretch any time you feel tense. Notice how your body is doing as you go about any activity, and let that direct how you perform the activity. Nothing should be done Correctly; only enjoyably.

5) Carry this approach into “important” days. The advice above - doing things you like, immersing yourself in them, caring about your comfort - isn’t just for explicitly designated self-care days. It’s always a good idea. However, it’s often hard to learn how much so or in what ways until you’ve really committed hard to it. The reason to spend a whole day on this is because, well, immersion.

The whole point of the immersion part was learning how to incorporate all of you - all your interests and desires and aesthetics and ambitions - into your leisure activity. But the point of having a day in which you do just that is to learn how to incorporate all of yourself into a life. A day is a microcosm of a lifetime.

So if you spend a whole day practicing putting yourself into the world, then tomorrow when you get back to that list of important shit, you should also know how to take care of yourself while handling that. Don’t only leave self-care for self-care days. Let it seep into and entangle itself in the rest of your life. That way, your life will be filled with you.

#advice #amateur self psychology #heroic growth arc #self care #depression #how to human

227 notes · View notes

dazingsky · 7 years

Text

Pink Converse (Stenbrough)

hi i’m super sorry if this is awful, i highkey wrote it all whilst drunk, and have no one to proof read it!!

Please send me requests here!!

Summary: Bill starts wearing skirts, and fears what his crush will think!

Word count: 1,480

Bill Denbrough could often be caught staring at Beverly Marsh, and not for the reason you’d think. Sure, she was gorgeous, but Bill wasn’t particularly interested in dating her. Bill simply liked her clothes. She often wore dresses, and skirts. And Bill was jealous, because he couldn’t wear dresses and skirts.

Finally Beverly confronted Bill, when they were sitting beside each other in a maths class. She had put her phone in her pocket, looked over at Bill, and risen an eyebrow. “Why do you always stare at me, Bill?” Her voice was light, and curious. Bill had instantly become self-conscious. “Do you have crush on me…?” Beverly’s voice was awkward now.

“No!” Bill said quickly. Too quickly. So he had to explain, rather quickly, fumbling over his words. “N-not that there’s a-a-anything wrong w-w-with you! I’m just g-gay!” His voice was quiet, and he was stuttering badly with nerves.

“Oh.” Beverly nodded. She had always kinda of assumed Bill was gay, but him confirming it so bluntly slightly shocked him. “So why do you stare so much..?” Bill looked pained, as he battled in his mind whether to tell her or not. Beverly noticed, and quickly added, “I wont tell anyone!”

Bill bit his lip, stuttering the words out. “I l-l-like your c-cl-clothes.” Beverly rose an eyebrow, tilting her head slightly, as Bill began to explain further. “Skirts and d-dresses. I w-wish I c-c-could wear t-them..” He trailed off, looking down.

“You can!” Beverly shrugged, grinning at him. Bill rose an eyebrow, looking back at her. “Come over, after school.” Bill had nodded in response.

After school, that day, Beverly took Bill home, and sat him down on her bed. Bill had watched as Bev opened her wardrobe, and ran a hand over the rails of skirts, and dresses. She had made Bill try on three dresses, but none fit correctly. She finally handed him a skater skirt, and it fit him perfectly. Bill looked tall in the skirt, and Beverly told him that a sweater would suit him.

They spent the weekend shopping. Beverly would recommend things, Bill would secretly try them on, and Beverly would use Bill’s money to pay for them. They bought 3 skater skirts, and 12 jumpers, that were on sale. They also bought Bill a pair of floral printed Doc Martins, and some pale pink converse.

Beverly taught Bill what colours look nice together, and spent hours showing Bill different dresses she liked on pintrest. Over the weeks Beverly and Bill became closer friends, opening a lot more time together, than with any of the other losers. Bill wore his skirts and sweaters around Beverly, and they talked about everything and anything.

They talked about Beverly’s crush on Ben, which Bill thought was cute. And they discussed Bill’s crush on Stan, which Beverly thought was adorable. Bill thought it was dumb. Beverly told Bill he should tell the other losers about his crush, but he didn’t feel like he could. He was too scared.

Bill stood there, in front of his mirror, fixing his skirt on his hips. It seemed to be riding up slightly. It was a black skater skirt. His favourite. And he was wearing his favourite pastel pink jumper, with his converse to match. Beverly was due over any minute, so he sat down on his bed to wait.

Bill heard a knock on his front door, and jumped up. Friday’s were their pizza night. The night where they discussed the losers, and the bitches from their year, and watched chick-flicks. Beverly often teased Bill, calling it a girls night. Bill always laughed, because it was.

He made his way down stairs, smiling over the fact that his parents were gone for the weekend. It meant that Bev could stay for two nights. He opened the door, expecting to see Beverly’s smiling face, but was instead met with Stanley, who seemed to be a flustered mess.

“Are you dating Bev?” The question stumbled from his lips, Then he stopped, taking in Bill’s appearance. He stared slightly, making Bill feel self-conscious.

“N-no.” Bill said, quietly. “W-why?”

“Why what?” Stan asked. HIs words were kind of shaky, and he looked nervous. Bill had no idea why. He wasn’t the one wearing a kist in front of his crush.

“Why d-d-do you want t-to know if I’m d-dating Bev..? Why w-would you t-think that..?” Bill stared back at Stan.

“You guys have been spending so much time together! Like every single time I’ve asked to hang out with you this month, you’ve been busy with Bev!” The words flooded out of Stanley’s mouth. He sighed, quietly. “Can I come in?” Bill nodded quickly, opening the door wider. Stan walked in, and stood awkwardly in Bill’s hall.

“Go upstairs. I’ll make us t-tea..” Bill said, quietly. Stan nodded, and walked upstairs quickly. Bill walked into his kitchen and began making the tea. As he made it his mind raced with thoughts. Why would Stan come over to ask if he was dating Beverly? Couldn’t he just have called? Bill sighed, pushing the thoughts to the back of his head, and making his way upstairs with the mugs, slowly.

He walked into his room, and found Stan holding one of Bill’s pink skirts in his hands. Bill felt queasy. Why was he holding it? Bill felt like crying, but he took a few deep breaths, and cleared his throat. Stan looked up. Bill couldn’t read his expression. Bill held out the mug for Stan, and he took it carefully, muttering a thank you under his breath.

“D-did you r-r-really come all the way over here t-to ask me about B-Bev?” Bill finally asked. Stanley nodded, looking down slightly. “W-why would you care t-that much..?” Bill’s voice was shaky.

Stan’s eye’s closed, as his face screwed into a frustrated expression. “I just do.” He ran a hand through his hair. Stan looked around the room, biting his lip. “So, skirt’s..”

“We’re not d-discussing me r-r-right now..” Bill pointed out. Stan sighed loudly, glaring at Bill.

“Why?” Stan snapped. His mood had changed since he arrived. He seemed more agitated than before. He thinks I’m a freak! That’s why he’s mad! Because his best friends a fag. God. HIs best friends an idiot who dresses up in fucking skirts, and paints his nails. Fuck! Bill thought to himself, he felt like crying again. And Stan noticed it.

“I didn’t mean to snap at you..” Stan said quietly. “When did you start wearing dresses..?” Stan asked, seeming generally interested.

“I d-don’t wear d-dresses. They m-m-make me l-look stupid..” Bill said slowly. “Only s-s-skirts.”

“Oh.” Stan nodded. “How long have you been wearing them though..?” Stan asked.

“Two months..” Stan nodded in response. “B-Bev helps m-me.. She b-buys them for m-me. T-t-to protect m-m-me, kinda.” Bill explained, looking down.

“They suit you..” Stan said, quietly, his eyes raking over Bill’s body again. “You look… Beautiful…” Bill’s face flushed red immediately.

“R-r-really?” Bill asked, his voice sounded airy, and light. Stan nodded, making Bill blush harder. Bill fiddled with his skirt again, smiling slightly.

“The pink sweater suits you, as well..” Stan said. He was blushing too, but only lightly. Bill looked up at him, the small smile still on his lips. Stan was moving closer to Bill, slowly, though Bill didn’t notice that much.

“It’s my favourite…” Bill trailed off, finally noticing how close Stan was to him. Stan's hands landed on Bill’s hips. Bill jumped slightly, his own hands landing on Stan’s chest. Bill stared at Stan, their eyes locked.

“I didn’t come over to ask if you were dating Bev..” Stan said, attempting to keep his voice steady. “I came over to tell you I like you..” Stan admitted. He opened his mouth, to speak again, but Bill cut him off.

“Stop talking..” Bill said, before pressing his lips to Stan’s. He felt adrenaline curse through his body, as he felt Stan start to kiss him back. There was really no better feeling. Bill’s heart was racing, as Stan’s fingertips squeezed Bill’s hips. Bill’s hands made their way from Stan’s chest to around his neck. He pulled Stan closer to him.

Stan eventually pulled away, leaning his forehead on Bill’s. “So I’m guessing you like me too, Billiam?” Stanley teased, in a low voice. There was a small smirk on his face, which made Bill want to roll his eyes, but instead he rolled his eyes over the stupid nickname.

“Shut up, Bird Boy.” Bill said, before pressing his lips to Stan’s again.

#stenbrough #stanley uris #bill denbrough #georgie denbrough #beverly marsh #ben hanscom #mike hanlon #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #it movie #it 2017 #one shot #requests open #ask me anything #fan fic

71 notes · View notes