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#i am NOT self projecting or anything on the type of woman i like
officialspec · 10 days
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can you pleeeeease post your dm sexuality/gender hcs on here.... 🥺 i don't have a twitter but i wanna know. it's like a pandora's box to me now i'm like scratching at the door. let me in
heres the link 2 the thread (mild spoilers btw) ill post a transcript under the cut for ppl who dont have twitter
first off i think laios relationship to sex is super removed for like 50 reasons without even getting into his actual sexuality
he grew up in a place with very repressed ideas about sex and has a lot of fear about asserting his presence in situations
his special interest takes precedent over any social interactions he has and the level of closeness he feels towards people
he has a hard time figuring out his feelings towards other people both bc hes autistic and bc he has freaky deviantart fetishes that make sex in his mind a very abstract concept <- this one is me projecting mostly
that aside, i feel like gender-wise hes attracted to ppl so infrequently it may as well be entirely case-by-case
the idea of him being gay appeals to me from the 'raised with traditional values he Does Not fit into/hasnt begun to question it yet' perspective, i lauve characters who put a lot of stock into performing a role thats expected of them and fail miserably for unknown (gay) reasons
from his perspective tho i dont think he would ever really label himself anything. hes going to pride parades in the shirt+shorts Ally Fit to clap for his friends
hes also 'cis by indifference' imo... i love tmasc laios hcs it just doesnt mesh w his personal history to me. i do think hes got some kind of therian gender thing going on (not trans or nb but a secret third thing) but i cant see him changing anything abt his appearance/pronouns to accommodate that post-canon. hes just doin his thang
falin is in a similar boat for gender. i LOOVE tfem falin but the village repression thing has been bugging at me so i dont think i subscribe to it anymore (canon purist sorry) BUT if u hold that hc i am clapping and cheering regardless
instead i was propagandised to a while back and i LOVEEE the idea that being fused w a male dragon and the residual traits she has after being revived have given her a type of gender euphoria she didnt realise she was missing. a little boygirl swagger if u will
sexuality-wise i also dont think she would care to label herself, shes a lesbian by virtue of only being interested in One woman and zero other people. without marcille i do think shes still exclusively attracted to women, and i like to imagine she might experiment around a bit during her travels post-canon (pre-relationship). hearing abt it might put marcille on the news though
marcille is very simple That is a transfem lesbian. she cant get pregnant, shes obsessed w being femme and all that combined w her half-tallman struggles to be seen as 'properly feminine' by elf standards reads very transfeminine to Me. also her bookboy crush REEKS of comphet its not subtle
i think a more comfortable marcy might have the space to experiment w being elf butch like her manga boys but thats mainly self indulgence for me. utena could have saved her
senshi is gay his whole thing is abt not being able to perform dwarven masculinity to a proper standard (soft hearted, not as strong or rugged as his peers) which is like gaycoding 101. also hes a bear. homosexuality be damned by boy can work a grill
adding onto this i rly think senshi got some type of euphoria from being an elf in the changeling chapters. he was feeling himself so much i think he was using it as an outlet to have fun being a little fem and fruity without needing to justify it. do u understand
i dont have any particular opinions abt him gender-wise beyond that. his bulge is an essential part of his character design but i also saw a transmasc senshi a couple days ago that made me nod my head thoughtfully so i could go either way
chilchuck is cis and bisexual this is just canon. not even just his old man crush on senshi altho i do think thats very funny but they put his ass on a cover themed like hes in a dating sim with all the men and women in the cast and then slapped it in front of a chapter called "bicorn". i simply cant pass up that kind of overt signaling. its so fucking funny what else is there to say truly
izu to ME is a transmasc aroace lesbian (this one has the least basis in canon i just know it to be true) shes a little genderfluid with it nd uses he/she i think. i like to imagine she consistently uses masculine personal pronouns to refer to herself either way tho (boku, ore)
i think izutsumis gender/sexuality is entirely secondary in priorities to her body dysphoria. she has a lot of learning and acceptance 2 do before that kind of self discovery is on the docket and in my mind eschewing gender on some level is part of that. get sillay
shuro is cishet but at least he feels bad about it. next
kabru is a transmasc bisexual this is also practically text. his whole thing of being treated like a doll by milsiril to put in pretty dresses, plus i think it would be pretty easy for him to stealth in the west since tallmen are seen as inherently more masculine than elves
(i also think changing genders is just more common for elves. theyre androgynous enough that it wouldnt be hard and like who in their right miiiiind would be the same gender for 500 years. dwarves too)
i think he started presenting as male socially in the west but didnt need to consider medical transition until he moved to a more mixed culture where other races might see him as a woman
i dont have to explain the bisexual part. have u seen him
namari is a butch bisexual this is just canon straight up. shes not transmasc but i think the default settings for dwarven women is like 4 years of T regardless. shes a hit at all the local cruising spots despite her renfaire nerdisms i know this
and just bc im thinking abt em kiki and kaka are identical and kiki is tfem :} theyre both attracted to women but kaka is a sub so i forgive him
THATS ALL 4 NOW theres a lot of characters so i cant have thoughts abt all of them at once but i hope this was good. im right about everything forever as per usual
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imariejoyce · 3 months
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The time I gained my confidence...
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When I was a kid, I am not the type of student who always raise her hand during recitations in school because I am too shy to be the center of attention. Although I am sure with the answer, it take some time for me to have the confidence to speak out.
Since I like studying especially back then, my parents are always proud to attend the recognition day at school, walking to the stage with me to receive my awards. I may not be actively participating to the activities related to public speaking but my fruit of labor is still being seen with the results of my grades.
I could say that I am not the super nerdy and intelligent type of person, but what I can be proud of is that if I set some goals in my mind, I usually allocate ample times to study or prepare for it. It was the consistency and effort that I usually do whenever I want to achieve the goals I set in mind. I believe that being consistent can help you in anything that you seek to achieve. I also believe that being intelligent is another story. I still remember how those intelligent classmates I had during primary and secondary schools can simply analyze and answer the questions fast and correct after just looking at it for a few minutes, and with that...that is how I define smart people.
Before, I usually categorized myself as an introvert one. I better do everything on my own than being helped by someone, or than be an extra baggage to my group, or be a center of attention and be tagged as fatuous. I used to plan almost everything on my own... I better figure it out myself than asking someone to help me, even if it might cost most of my time to fulfil it... that I am self-reliant.
It all changed when I moved to another country.
Working in IT is not a typical field for women. Unlike in the Philippines, I still had few women colleagues in the team. In Europe, it is not the case, when I got the chance to enter corporate world again, I am always the only woman in my team. It was really difficult. There were even times when I need to push myself to get up from bed and go to work. My team during that time were dominated by men, I feel insecure…I was timorous. I even sometimes cried while walking going to the office, asking why am I actually doing this to myself...ugh! tough times.
But then, after some months, I observed that if I stay this way, I will be left behind...that I should be a team player...I started to forge my mind to trust myself. I tried to be optimistic...I keep telling myself that I won't be here if the company didn't see my potential to be amalgamated to my team.
Slowly, I refined my confidence. I learn how to lower my guard and start to trust the process.
Now, I am already six years here, still working in IT. It is also my second company and only woman in my team, again. Looking back from where I started, I could say that I improved a lot. I am now participating in projects, voice out and ask questions if I want to know more. Collaborating with my team mates and try to socialize if I have a chance to do it. I am thankful that moving to another country made me discover that I can be more than I thought I was, that I can also do what others can...that confidence is actually already within me and I just need to snap it out...
just like in the saying..."It took some fast rhythms to make the dancers come alive."
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zzzzzestforlife · 4 months
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Tech Girlie Diaries: being the youngest and only female software engineer on the team
👄 honest stories/lessons only 💅
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I just found out I'll get to mentor my first female intern at work and I'm so excited!!! It's so rare that we (not even just our team but the company as a whole) get female interns 🥺 which got me thinking about everything I want to impart to this bright, young mind ✨ since I was once in her shoes 🩰 just without a female mentor 😔 Don't get me wrong(!!), I love my mentors and every chance I get to work with them has been great — they're literally the best dudes I've ever met 🥲 but there are some ~tech girlie things~ that guys just... don't have to deal with in the same way.
Hopefully, if you're also a woman in tech or an ally, these can help you too ☺️ and please let me know in the comments/reblogs/dms/asks if there's anything else I might've missed that you think my mentee should know! ❤️
Unburden Yourself: you do not represent all women ♀️
When I first joined this company as an intern, I was only the second female intern they'd ever had and their first backend female intern. There were no backend female engineers. I felt like I had to constantly prove myself against these bros who seemed to eat, sleep, and breathe code.
But I quickly realized, through the consistent kindness and respect my male colleagues gave me, that it is not a competition (unless it's a bug-solving hackathon, in which case, all other teams can suck it 🍭😜) and no one thinks for a second that I am a representative token of my gender.
Unfortunately, this diversity-affirming culture is still not the case in all workplaces, so this is the Most Important Thing to remember: that you deserve to be treated kindly and with respect by your colleagues AND yourself, so don't settle for anything less! 💕
Take the Day: Care for Yourself First🥇
After finding out I took basically no holidays for a year, my manager at the time was appalled and granted me a month-long vacation (it was amazing). He then proceeded to (kindly) lecture me on the fact that I was no longer an intern and working full-time means making a conscious effort to Not Burn Out™️. My current manager still gives me well-meaning lectures to the same effect, so I guess I haven't really taken this lesson to heart yet?? 🙈 I'll give some examples from what I should've done instead 😂
If that time of the month is killing you and you're straight-up collapsing at your desk: TAKE THE DAY OFF
If your back and wrists are killing you to the point that you physically cannot sit and type: TAKE THE DAY WEEK OFF
If you have personal/family struggles you need to be fully present for: TAKE THE DAY WEEK MONTH OFF
... You get the idea.
Be Your Most Effective Self 🌷
My current manager (literally one of the strongest women I know) and I work well together even though (or maybe precisely because) we have completely different personalities. She is direct, serious, and very goal-oriented 🎯 I tend to take a softer approach, can be completely unserious, and more people/morale focused 🍒
When I was starting out, I really felt I had to be more like my current manager so that people would respect me and take me seriously 😳 That thought daunted me so much because it's totally opposite my natural personality. It wasn't until people started telling me that my personality was a big part of why people like working me and want me on their teams that I started to learn to play to my strengths 💪
Despite our differences, my manager and I are both effective engineers in our own ways ☺️
Good Girls Get What They Deserve 💸
I have been unashamedly aggressive about what I want in my career.
Worked my butt off 🍑 for 2 promotions in 2 years 🌟 when it usually takes twice the amount of time for both! 🏃‍♀️
Communicated my desire to move into management someday to gain more mentorship / project leadership roles and experience 🤓
Your own growth and trajectory is what you have the most control over. Sometimes that means taking a well-deserved break, other times that means hustling and negotiating and networking until you make your dreams a reality.
I've lost count of how many companies I've applied to before landing this job and how many mistakes I've needed to correct even in my current position! So sometimes too, maintaining control means realizing that when you are denied/fail to attain certain opportunities, it makes you available to attend to others that may even be better suited to you in the long-run! 🏃‍♀️
💌: Say it with me, ladies: 🕯️❤️ The new year will be my year! I got this! ❤️🕯️
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hms-no-fun · 9 months
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Currently struggling a lot with getting very excited about a project, writing a lot, editing that writing until it's way more polished than what I can come up with off the cuff, and then being too intimidated to add to the document anymore since the previous good writing still gives off this looming intimidation if that makes sense? The more I write the greater the fear is I'll crash the story into a ditch that reveals the premise can't work. have you had that "its not all coming together shit theres a snag thats really important that i missed" moment? I realize it's pretty inevitable for that to happen, but whenever I write myself out of a moment like that I always second guess that I'm still overlooking something important or taking the easy way out. I know it's probably just all about pushing through but I worry that by pushing im just further diluting the original spirit of the project? Sorry for the all over the place ask, hope you have a good day :3
this is always a tough situation to navigate as a writer. happens to me often, and it has taken me a very long time to come even remotely close to being able to deal with it productively. believe it or not, i actually have quite a lot to say about this, so prepare for that below the break.
first of all, no, it's absolutely NOT all about pushing through. i find "pushing through" can just as often make the problem worse. keep in mind that i can only speak to my own experience and process, so any advice i might give here should only be taken insofar as you personally find it useful.
this is a form of writer's block. there are many different types of blocks, each with their own causes and hypothetical treatments. a big part of becoming A Writer as such is learning the difference between them, and developing methods for dealing with them on a case by case basis that don't involve substance abuse. don't do cocaine. that's step one.
most of my blocks are in the vein you describe. i'll be writing a scene that feels good, until i cross a threshold somewhere and suddenly the whole thing feels dead in the water. the first thing i do when this happens is stop writing. it's hard to stop when you're on a roll, i know. life is short and it's hard enough to write even on a good day, but sometimes you can just tell that you're on the wrong track and at that point you're probably not gonna be able to write your way back on.
once stopped, i check the basics. have i eaten recently? am i hydrated? have i taken my medications? these are rarely my problem (i keep a big water bottle with me at all times and my gf makes sure i'm fed), though you never know how useful a snack break can be. most of the time if the problem isn't with the text, it's that i've been writing for too fucking long and i need to clock out. learning to clock out is SO hard. but as i've been getting into the habit these last couple months, while i generally write less per day i ultimately end up writing more over time. i can feel my brain cooking when i've been writing too long. it's a muscle like anything else. if you did a bunch of overtime shifts at a more physical job, you'd need time to recover too. your body isn't a machine, your brain isn't a computer, and living things are inconsistent. it sucks but you'll have a better time all around when you learn to work with your body instead of against it.
another question is, have i showered recently? i find showers tedious and boring. also i still have depression even though my life is a lot better than it used to be. i lived on my own for a very long time as a deeply closeted self-hating trans woman, so my hygiene habits are not always up to sniff. as much as i hate to admit it, showers help. i can't tell you how many times i've sat at a godfeels chapter or video script and just felt fucking miserable, only to come back forty minutes later from a shower, full of creative energy. i despise self-help shit. just not a fan of the culture of positive attitude wellness check stuff because you can't self examine your way out of your class position. sometimes the problem is that you're broke. sometimes life fucking sucks and you just don't have the art in you, and that's okay. there's a common misconception that if something bad happens to you, at least you can make an art to get through it. but in my experience it's actually a lot harder to make art about bad times when you're still in them. most of the time it takes months if not years of safety and recovery before you can really face it head on artistically. so like, be nice to yourself. it's not your fault that you live in a society.
but also sometimes literally you just need a shower or to eat some leftovers or to go to fucking bed. i hate it every time that is true because i want my problems to be real and philosophical and not just some dumb body thing that happens to everyone. alas, no one can escape the quotidian obligations of simple mortality.
THAT SAID! this stuff isn't usually my problem, and often i find that what's solving the problem when i do step away to eat/drink/shower isn't even the specific activity, but the act of stepping away at all. getting my mind off it for a sec. when i hit a block that doesn't feel completely insurmountable, i like to back away from my computer and pace around a bit. then i'll stare at my big whiteboard with a marker in hand and just let my mind wander. i don't even write anything half the time! but the mere act of trying to compartmentalize the problem into something brief enough for shorthand helps me spot the pain points.
one of my favorite books is Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, which despite what you might assume from its title is NOT a self-help book but instead a work of philosophy from 1974 taking the form of a travelogue. what Robert Pirsig explores in this book is what he calls the Metaphysics of Quality. basically he's trying to understand the split-second judgments we make of things we like and things we don't. i absolutely do not have time to go into the specifics, just know that his Quality refers to the abstract certainty you have when something is Good or Right or Correct or Qualitatively True. like how you pull your hand away unconsciously when you touch a hot stove, but for ideas. you just Know.
a scene that really sticks with me from that book (probably the most famous scene) is when Pirsig describes needing to fix a mechanical problem with his motorcycle only to be stopped dead in his tracks by a stripped screw keeping him from removing the engine cover. he talks about being so focused on the obvious solution to the primary complex problem that, on encountering a smaller, simpler problem that has to be dealt with first, he finds himself completely stuck, calling this "a zero of consciousness." it's a problem so annoying and minuscule and stubbornly unsolvable that you just want to hit the thing with a wrench and throw it in a river. addressing this new problem, this block, requires an adjustment in thinking. and here i'm going to quote a pretty lengthy passage, but don't worry, i'm typing it out by hand with the book in front of me so there's no time saved on my end:
Consider, for a change, that this is a moment to be not feared but cultivated. If your mind is truly, profoundly stuck, then you may be much better off than when it was loaded with ideas. The solution to the problem often at first seems unimportant or undesirable, but the state of stuckness allows it, in time, to assume its true importance. It seemed small because your previous rigid evaluation which led to the stuckness made it small. But now consider the fact that no matter how hard you try to hang on to it, this stuckness is bound to disappear. Your mind will naturally and freely move toward a solution. Unless you are a real master at staying stuck you can't prevent this. The fear of stuckness is needless because the longer you stay stuck the more you see the Quality-reality that gets you unstuck every time. What's really been getting you stuck is the running from the stuckness [. . .] Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. It's this understanding of Quality as revealed by stuckness which so often makes self-taught mechanics so superior to institute-trained men who have learned how to handle everything except a new situation. Normally screws are so cheap and small and simple you think of them as unimportant. But now, as your Quality awareness becomes stronger, you realize that this one, individual, particular screw is neither cheap nor small nor unimportant. Right now this screw is worth exactly the selling price of the whole motorcycle, because the motorcycle is actually valueless until you get the screw out. With this re-evaluation of the screw comes a willingness to expand your knowledge of it. [. . .] What your actual solution is is unimportant as long as it has Quality. Thoughts about the screw as combined rigidness and adhesiveness and about its special helical interlock might lead naturally to solutions of impaction and use of solvents. That is one kind of Quality track. Another track may be to go to the library and look through a catalog of mechanic's tools, in which you might come across a screw extractor that would do the job. Or to call a friend who knows something about mechanical work. Or just to drill the screw out, or just burn it out with a torch. Or you might just, as a result of your meditative attention to the screw, come up with some new way of extracting it that has never been thought of before that beats all the rest and is patentable and makes you a millionaire five years from now. There's no predicting what's on that Quality track. The solutions all are simple-- after you have arrived at them. But they're simple only when you know already what they are.
this is, in brief, my entire creative philosophy when it comes to writer's block. i share such a lengthy passage because i think it's useful to underline that we're not talking about a problem that is necessarily unique to the labor of writing. this process is a human process. it's just that with writing, the nature of the block itself is often much more difficult to identify than a stripped screw.
there's a couple things i do to try to identify what's got me stuck. a lot of times what happens is that everything in a scene felt good until it didn't, and then everything after that moment fell flat. so i'll go back and read the whole thing and just try to feel the scene. is everyone in character? is their dialogue too quippy, or too aggressive, too expository? are we in the midst of a conversation that has simply gone on way too fucking long? i know it can be torturous to reread your own stuff but idk what else to say except get used to it. especially when you're still early in the drafting phase! like if you know you're not gonna release this thing imminently, there's no reason to be precious about the stuff that's good or to beat yourself up over the stuff that's bad. i know that compulsion to try to Get Everything Right The First Time is strong, but it's completely unsustainable.
sometimes the block is that i just don't feel like writing narration. i've always sucked at grounding a scene with descriptions of the place. lately i'm trying to get away from relying solely on descriptions of staging/blocking, but it's hard for a bitch like me who mostly prefers writing dialogue. i've gotten a lot more comfortable with putting notes between dialogue exchanges like [character moves, looks at picture, has a dramatic thought, other character fiddles with object]. it can feel like cheating sometimes but it's not. there's no such thing. no one will know the route you took to get to the end. they will only see what you show them, when you decide to show it to them.
sometimes the block is in some minor or major betrayal of the story's spirit. the (Terezi) & Jade scene i talked about in this ask is a good example. i hit a point where nothing was working anymore. no one would talk to me. the light was gone. i can always tell when i made the wrong choice. it's such a particular sensation. as though i'm walking and i realize i no longer recognize the road i'm on and must've made a wrong turn somewhere. the solution to this particular block is introspection, retracing my steps, because the wrong turn isn't always obvious. maybe it's that someone in the scene is being too mean, or that i've failed to accomplish what the scene exists to do in some way, or that someone's made an uncharacteristic choice that now everyone in the scene is arguing about and it's like, man, this is taking too long, i'm not enjoying this anymore.
another example from A1 is the second half of the solo. i'd had most of the jasprose scene, the karkat-calliope-roxy scenes, and the vrisrezi-jade scenes written since i posted the A1 chorus. where i ran into trouble was that i needed to get jane, jake, and (terezi) to show up. my original plan was to have them arrive one by one, thus allowing their individual dramas a moment in the spotlight before being subsumed into the group. not a bad idea in theory but in practice it was fucking tedious. here we have a bunch of characters already immersed in the scene captured by the intrigue of Jade being enigmatic, and then some unawares jagoff wanders in and suddenly everyone has to stop what they're doing and be like "hey hello how are you what's up" and then they explain how they got there and then they ask what's up and it's such a DRAG. honestly i would say the majority of my creative blocks by volume are moments when the story really wants me to just cut to black for a smoke break and come back when somebody gets mad enough to throw a punch. i mean that's the the development of A1 in a nutshell. originally everyone was gonna start the track locked up in space-jail on the hopebringer, jade would show up all apologetic and say what she expects padua's deliberation to be, then the whole cast would see her throw a fit over a decision she knew was coming, they'd all be absolved of guilt and let free, then they'd all argue about who's staying or going with Jade in the morning, they'd split up to go pack their stuff and then...
well that was exactly the problem. i wanted to get all the pertinent things out of the way. jade's code switching, voidthought, some EWL teases. give the whole cast a chance to react to it. i thought that would be expedient, because it got the Plot out of the way and gave time to characters for Feelings. if that version of the scene had come at the end of chapter 8, it might have worked. but i realized that as soon as jade's audience was no longer captive, i had no fucking clue what to do with them anymore. we already knew who would go with jade, so acting like that's some kind of mystery is just lame. i started writing A1 from a place of desiring informational density & a quick pace, because we've got places to go and things to do. but if the real purpose of A1 is to explore why these characters choose to go with Jade, then that needed to be done with a lot more care and precision. that's when i decided to let Jade spend two days underground making the earth right again, so that she has to come to everyone individually rather than the other way around. and it muddies her motivations, if you don't mind the pun. it puts her at an appropriate remove from the others. i ultimately wound up conveying all the same information as in the original version, but i did it in a way that was more appropriate thematically and artistically. it wound up being longer road than i anticipated, but this is a long story and in this case the longer road was better for the journey.
take the chapter where Jade visits Roxy. i needed some time with Roxy alone to set the scene, since she's the first person Jade decides to visit and i like writing about the insides of trailer homes. i wanted to get some politics from Jane in this chapter, so hey, why not throw in a televised speech? oh, and then i can have some tucker carlson types remind us that Earth C is a fucking mess. i wrote all that, and it was good, but it was just Roxy watching tv. i tried to get into Jade's arrival and couldn't. so i went back and realized, oh, Roxy should be yelling at the tv the whole time! now we get Jane's politics, Roxy's reactions to those politics, as well as bits and pieces of context re: Jane's relationships with Karkat and Roxy. now when Jade arrives, we can play with the question of whether she heard the speech from outside Roxy's door, and why neither of them was physically at the speech in the first place. there's tension and imbalance in Roxy's state of mind when Jade does arrive, so we're more inside her perspective than we usually are, which in turn helps us identify with her when Jade starts infodumping about antimemes.
so often for me, working through a block is a matter of doing a better job utilizing what's available to you. going back to the A1 solo and trying to bring Jake, Jane, and (Terezi) into the scene. i finally returned to it after a couple months of being sick and dealing with life problems. i was frustrated because i'd hoped to be several tracks in to 3.2 by now, and instead i was confronted with just how much more of this thing is left and how long that might take if i couldn't pick up the pace. this thing NEEDED to get done.
and then i remembered that Jasprose is literally right there.
and that was it! problem fucking solved! i had jasprose drop all three of them into the scene completely unceremoniously using manic teleportation through a fenestrated plane, and from there the entire rest of the chapter erupted out of me in a single go. it's such an obvious solution to the problem that you as reader probably assumed it was the plan from the very beginning. but it's like Pirsig says: the solutions all are obvious-- after you've arrived at them.
then there's the problem of overwriting. i actually did i think four different versions of the opening to the A1 solo. the first person narration was a late addition. i tweaked that scene so so so many times. it kept feeling close but not quite. when i did the thing where i reread to find where the block happened, instead of actually reading the thing i just kept finding spots where i could write more. i can extend this anecdote. this line could be better. maybe a comma here would work better than an ellipsis...
this can be good because sometimes what's blocking you is that you skipped over something that needed more time. maybe some information or a dramatic emphasis that gives the stuff you can't yet write the momentum it needs to get going again. but i've gotta be real careful doing this, because i can do it forever. and then, as you describe (hey look, i'm actually talking about your specific problem now!), that hyper-polished section sets everything else up to fail by comparison.
i think the trick is knowing the difference between when a scene needs an editing pass vs when a scene just straight up isn't working. when it's not working, sometimes you do just have to throw it all out and start over. but if it's good enough that you feel like all it's missing is better dialogue and some more description, then you can hold off on that polish until the rest of the thing is done. this conundrum is most common at the beginning of a chapter or story in my experience, precisely as a result of the process i've been describing this whole time. when you hit a block and retrace your steps, you can always find things to fix. so it's sort of natural that any given chapter becomes less polished the further along you get in to it. that's why it's so important to understand the differences between all these different types of blocks, and to remind yourself that literally nothing you've written is finished until the moment you've made it public.
a big part of getting the A1 solo out the door was me swallowing my desire for perfection in every exchange and saying, no, this is good enough. it's not 100% what i want, but it's close enough that it just isn't worth the effort it would take to get there. sometimes there are scenes that are worth that effort, but they are always rarer than you think and they're never the ones you'd expect. i will freely admit that there are a lot of characters expositing their motivations in this chapter. i tried to embed as much of that in humor or drama as i could, but sometimes you just have to shrug your shoulders and walk away and hope your readers will be nice to you.
of course the funny thing is, once i finished the chapter and had all the panels sketched out and wiped my hands clean of the whole affair, janet needed two weeks to make the images. so i ended up having time to polish up a couple of those things that i felt were lacking after all. but those additions were radically small and intuitive, because i'd divorced myself from the raw production and had committed to so many directions that i *couldn't* change much. i'm so used to writing for release that i don't know what to do with myself when my part of the job is done before i can kick it out the door. i've come to find that waiting, taking breaks, walking away and coming back, do wonders for your ability to egolessly examine your work and identify what's wrong. sometimes you just need a day or two to sleep on it.
and sometimes you realize that you've really just over-written a scene, out of preciousness or insecurity or whatever else, and the result is so much bigger than everything else you want to do that it's more expedient to just scrap it. i hate when this happens, man. i did this with an early version of the A1 chorus, when Jade is stuck in space alone and shouting about how unfair her life has been. you know sometimes there's an emotion in a scene that's addictive. some bit of pathos that you just feel down to your bones, fuck me man, this is so GOOD, this is so JUICY, this shit has QUALITY. it's so good you don't want it to be finished. so you keep writing it, and writing it, and you rewrite it, and you add to it, because you really want to squeeze every drop of emotion you can from the thing. and then you wind up with a bloated melodramatic mess that's so overplayed you've annihilated everything that compelled you to write it in the first place.
i want to be clear that this isn't wasted work. nothing you ever put to the page, no matter how ultimately useless it might prove to be, is wasted work. the way i see this whole process, top to bottom, is that there's this thing. i don't know what it is, but it's there. maybe it starts with an image, or a line of dialogue, or a relationship, or a natural vista, whatever. it can be anything. what matters is it's a sign pointing you in a direction. it's something that has Quality that you can feel with such potent immediacy that you have no choice but to write it. the act of writing is something of an expedition, because the real magic of it comes when those disparate signs start colliding with one another. an image becomes a scene, a house, a world, a universe. sometimes these signs lead to dead ends, but with experience you learn to tell the dead ends from the rough patches. you learn how to make your own way. you do this by listening to what this thing is telling you. every story i've ever written has known better than me what it wants. i can impose so much onto it, i control 90% of the process at least. but that other 10% cannot, should not be quantified or controlled but simply understood. if you try to bottle the flame, you'll just end up snuffing it out.
no artist really knows why they do what they do or how they're able to pull it off. they can tell you their methods, their process, their coping mechanisms, they can write ludicrously lengthy diatribes on tumblr in response to an innocuous ask, but you can't pin down the soul of the thing. Quality is ephemeral, because it's first. it happens before you've had time to think, like putting your hand on a hot stove. you just know. and you have to trust that knowledge to carry you forward, not second guess it too much, not try to wrangle the thing into a shape it doesn't want to assume. sometimes this requires writing scenes that you don't love, because it's easier to build a messy bridge between the moments that drive you than it is to perfect every single moment out of an artificial commitment to like, Being A Good Writer or whatever.
a lot of this is just practice. you get better at communicating with your creative impulses. but also i think it helps to internalize that nobody sees the rough drafts, nobody sees the duct tape. and nobody knows the perfect vision you'll be convinced you failed to meet. nobody has ever made a perfect thing, and no one ever will. who wants to be perfect, anyway? godfeels wouldn't be what it is if i wasn't willing to let it be messy. if i'd tried to do it better, it never would have gotten done, and nothing i'm doing now would have even conceptually gotten to exist.
also, it's okay to abandon shit when it stops feeling good. i have so many unfinished books kicking around from my 20s, dude. i feel bad about some of them, but ten years not finishing books is still ten years spent writing. it's actually quite rare for good ideas to result in finished works, because good ideas are cheap and they're not all for you. but you gotta keep trying anyway because sooner or later you'll catch a spark that has real gas, and if you've done the work you'll be ready for it. it'll feel like destiny. it'll feel like magic, how matched that idea is to your skill level. but it won't be magic, it'll be skill. if you hadn't put the work in to know how to follow that intuition, it'd be just as dead an end as everything else you never finished. you do the work so that when you get lucky you can take advantage of it. so in that context, writing is quite low stakes. if it's not good enough, fuck it, try something else!
anyway i hope there's some decent insight buried in here somewhere. thanks for such a good question!
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la-pheacienne · 1 year
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Rhaenyra is objectively a victim, but to people in the fandom, sob story olympic is about self projection, it’s about MY victimhood. They don’t think Rhaenyra is a victim because she’s not a character you can use as a vehicle to talk about your own problems. You can make posts about Alicent and moan about low confidence, anxiety, feeling useless, resenting other people's success or people trying to take control of their lives, projecting your inferiority/victim/martyr complex, etc. At the core of it, it’s narcissism, it’s thinly veiled self glorification and baits for validation. But you can’t really talk about Rhaenyra’s sob story and make it about yourself. Most of them don’t have very exciting lives or ambitions. Rhaenyra is sexually autonomous, has three bastards, and had her throne stolen because she was a woman. Not relatable.
"At the core of it, it’s narcissism, it’s thinly veiled self glorification and baits for validation".
"Rhaenyra is sexually autonomous, has three bastards, and had her throne stolen because she was a woman. Not relatable".
Yep, you said it all. Not relatable. Relatability is the number one quality a fictional hero should have in the current context of american media. Traditionally, or at least in my culture, what you go for -mainly- is exceptionalism. In order for me to care about a character they need to give me something exceptional, something particular, something that nobody else has. I am not looking to see myself on screen. I don't give a fuck about that. Give me something different. But be careful, exceptionalism doesn't mean lack of realism, not at all, I am all about realism, I just don't like characters just because they have weaknesses I can relate to. I need more.
Irrelevant but also kind of relevant : when I was little I read Little women. I loved it. So if you are not familiar with the story, it's a poor family with a lot of sisters, end of 19th century. Jo is one of the sisters, an Arya type of person we could say : she hates the discrimination against women, she wants to live like a man, doesn't want to get married, she wants to become a successful writer. Then you have her sister Amy, perfect little lady, accepts her position as a female, doesn't want to challenge anything, wants to get married to a rich husband, can be vain and self-centered, kind of manipulative etc. The heroine of this story is Jo. We are supposed to root for Jo. Amy serves mainly as a foil to Jo, even if in the end the two manage to get along. Yeahhh except that in the latest movie adaptation, guess which one of the characters people obsess with. Did you guess it? That's right. And why is that? Well because the actress that plays Amy is an absolute cutie with a sexy sultry voice, dresses perfectly and excells at what society expects of women. She conforms, she doesn't challenge, but she succeeds. So, relatable but also idealistic, the perfect combination. But Jo, who gives a fuck about a girl who was scorned all of her life for wanting something different for herself, for not accepting her context, for thinking out of the box. People don't want to see that. They don't want to be that. What they want is to play by the rules and succeed.
Same fucking shit with the tragedy of Antigone. Antigone is the heroine, she challenges the status quo, she sticks to her own moral code, she doesn't give a fuck about what the men around her want, she does her own thing and she is punished. Her sister, Ismene, serves as foil : she is coward, she is a conformist, she bows her head. In the end she regrets not helping Antigone because she loves her sister and she wants to share her punishment. Antigone denies her in disdain, she does not consider her worthy. Because she isn't. Ismene loves Antigone, yes, but she does not share the same exceptional traits that Antigone has and for which she is punished. So she does not deserve to have a place beside her. She is inferior. Ismene is actually more popular in Tumblrina culture than Antigone because people relate to her weakness.
People don't relate to these exceptional heroines because they are not looking for exceptional characters. They are looking for a more successful or a more glamourous version of themselves.
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luxaryllis · 2 years
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Have you hear about parent brainwash youngest child to make oldest child shine more?. So what if y/n was riddle younger sibling and ms roseheart brainwash y/n to make riddle shine more or y/n will get punishment. after riddle overblot y/n think riddle shine less so y/n start to make trouble to make riddle shine more. Riddle ask y/n why he/she make trouble after some "talk" y/n snap and overblot ( y/n overblot form is like judgement ) after y/n overblort riddle got into memory realm (is that what is call) and y/n told the true (brother bonding!!)
Brainwashed!Younger Sibling!Reader with Riddle Rosehearts: Part 1
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Note: Posting this in advance before I post the others to at least show that I'm alive (also, I'm not really in a good mood as I'm typing this atm and wrote the rest of this on a whim of projection-)
This part will just be like the prologue or introduction sorta thing. It won't include the confrontation and the comfort yet.
Also, Reader here is NOT the same as R!MC/the reader in Scared!Younger Sibling!Reader.
Anyways, let's get to it!!
Part 1 (here) | Part 2 | Part 3
Warnings: Contains child abuse, Improper parental care and guidance, domestic abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, Riddle's Rosehearts's mother, (Slight, but definitely still there) Objectification, Self-deprecation, Angst, NO COMFORT (yet), Tell me if I missed anything
-----
"Riddle would have done so much better than you did. I'm disappointed in you."
"Hm? A 99/100 on your math test? Hmph. Riddle got a 100/100 on his math test when he was your age. Goodness, how disappointing."
"You will NEVER be as great as your older brother!!"
"At least Riddle follows the rules; unlike you who can't even follow a simple rule. How disappointing."
"What a disappointment."
"Oh? The youngest? Oh no, all it's good at is making mistakes."
"How disappointing."
"You're such an eyesore and disappointment to the Rosehearts name. Why can't you be like Riddle?"
"[Name], you are to do everything to make Riddle shine. No matter what. Never win against him. Never make him lose. Never be better than him. Never argue against him. Never even think about being better than him."
...
These were only some of the things your mother has said to you.
Why she said those? You never knew.
All you know is that you're a disappointment.
A mistake that makes even more mistakes.
That woman may as well not be your mother at this point...
If anything, she seems more like your mistress or master; and you're the servant.
Riddle is your "master"'s child, making you his servant as well.
And there's no way to change that.
You will forever be lower and lesser than Riddle and his (not your) mother.
Just like how they will forever be higher and better than you.
It's always been like that; and it will continue to be like that.
The woman of the Rosehearts house never liked you, nor did she find any use for you except for doing chores.
Even then, she didn't trust you with much at all.
As a child, Mrs. Rosehearts drilled into your mind to 'always make yourself useful'.
And since said woman never trusted you with much, she gave you one assignment.
"Always make Riddle shine. Never be better than him; not like that's even possible with you in the question. However, if Riddle ever falls even in the slightest, bring him up by bringing yourself down. Doing otherwise will result in swift punishment. Am I understood?"
As a child, those words were everything.
They were your first orders.
Basically meaning that the woman trusted you with the task.
And, because of how naive as you were as a child, you agreed. Not like you had a choice in the matter anyway.
---
This goes on your entire life.
For the rest of your life, you've made mistakes so Riddle would shine and you would be just a speck of nothingness in everyone else's life.
How you were able to get in NRC, neither Riddle nor his mother knows.
However, they don't know that you've been observing Riddle as he studied.
You thought that if you were to study like Riddle, Riddle and his mother would be proud of you.
Not because of your grades, but because if you were to be a student in NRC, you would be able to bring yourself down and bring Riddle further into the spotlight of success.
After all, who else are you, if not a stupid, useless, disappointment of a thing of the Rosehearts house?
Growing up, the woman still taught you very much, but never to the extent of Riddle's education.
Because you (in that woman's words,) "could never fathom nor comprehend the complexities of Riddle's education"
And you, being so naive and clueless, agreed very easily.
Besides, who else could have told you?
No one, that's who.
No one could have told you that what that woman was doing to you and Riddle was wrong.
No one could have told you that you didn't have to be this way.
No one.
When Riddle broke the rule of going out when he left on his 8th birthday, you would break even more rules than normal, to allow Riddle to go through less punishment.
---
However, you went through the biggest struggle in your life after Riddle's overblot.
Why? Well, Riddle has been a lot more lenient with the rules; even going so far as to even allow rule-breakers go unpunished sometimes.
Riddle isn't shining that way, isn't he...?
You remember all that the woman told you.
You have to make Riddle shine.
You should.
It's the only way you can make yourself useful, after all.
Besides, no one cares about you anyway.
It's not like you'd be missing out on anything...
...right...?
Yeah, right.
Because if that woman who calls herself the most successful one truly is who she is, then surely she's always correct.
-----
TO BE CONTINUED...
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punkeropercyjackson · 3 months
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this person is literally a fucking maniac I’m so sorry they did that shit to you??? It’s headcanons and you didn’t even mention anything remotely offensive or required whatever shit they were spitting. Fucking SUICIDE BAITING OVER WHAT?? Dios mío. (to get your mind off it if you would like, share with me your favourite punk percy headcanons)
RIGHT LIKE THAT NIGGA REALLY SHOWED ME NOOSE PICS OVER FUCKING PERCY JACKSON💀And said i was 'fetishizing' trans people as if i'm not trans myself and as if she's not a cis woman and probably straight too.Stop projecting come mierda♡
But tysm,i will and you choose a good time to ask because i've been finally continouing my punk history research!!
Always had the punk mindset as seen in canon since she's anti-authority,rebels against all corruption she sees and protects and is extremely loving towards younger minorities
But was too poor to afford the clothes and piercings and such.Didn't bother him though since he cared more about acting punk than looking it
Thalia was his first real experience with the subculture headon and that's why he admired and was lowkey jealous of her along with a bit of gender envy
Goes to protests and does charity work with Rachel
And she bought him a bunch of punk stuff(from punk bussiness ofc,otherwise what's the point)
Learned to diy so many things it's gonna be a running in my fics of her
Rrrrt girl and Mcr fan-Also not punk but loves Ice Spice and Megan Thee Stallion too ofc.Really likes Green Day too!!
The specific types of punk Percy is are afropunk(because i hc them as half afro-dominican and half black-greek),seapunk(NOT because of Poseidon but because of Sally)and either crustpunk or pastel punk depending on wether we're talking her as transfem bigender and a mix of masc and fem or her as a super femme trans woman.Not for gender roles reasons because that would be ridiculous but i think just that their lives would be significantly different so that leads to a few differences in their tastes
Persephone Amelia has comics!Starfire hair,Perseo Isadore has dreads
Straight edge
His autism definitely contributes to how he approches punkness
Their patches jacket has spikes and frills around the collar and the patches are the dominican and trans flags and a black mermaid to represent Sally,a skull and a yellow diamond to represent Nico and Hazel and he has a god handful of pins but his favorites are the Riptide one Lex made him and the cat one(Yes i'm including my Pjo self-insert in this because i couldn't help myself)
Goes on estrogen but only a light dosage and for a short time compared to full transitions and gets no surgeries.Wears makeup too and gets a tongue ring,an eyebrow piercing and forward helix on both ears
Radicalized Nico and Hazel,who are now goth punk and pastel goth punk
Exclusively buys video games and consoles secondhand because of being anti-capitalism
Killed Luke in TLO not only because of being the hero of the prophecy but also because no actual punk wouldn't unalive a fascist who's also a serial ped0phile the second they got the chance.He made sure it was extra painful too and even had Nico use his soul erasing power we saw in BOO on him
And eventually manages to kill Poseidon too-Idk about Perseo but Persephone exists in my Pjo x DC x Spiderverse crossover where she's got kryptonian heritage and i headcanon krytonians are on the same levels of gods in regards to power so that's how.Zeus is too scared of Percy afterwards to stop her from fixing the greek myths world system LMFAOOOOOO
And for a lil more Perlex because i am down horrendous,him and Lex punk4punk but Lex is pastel punk and solarpunk!!They go on punk themed dates like going to concerts in matching outfits and defacing public property together <3 Also Percy has the cocky flirt punk guy thing you usually see in male characters who are but it's a Lex exclusive
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this is a bit of a personal question, so i understand if you don’t want to answer! as someone who’s transmasc but fem i struggle to explain to others & rationalize myself why i feel more strongly aligned w/ fem men than fem women. it’s had me wondering whether i really am transmasc. i know that you as a transmasc are fem presenting & that you’re interested in pregnancy so i wanted to hear your take on it.
how do you differentiate between being a cis fem woman and a trans fem man? how does it “feel” different to you to be transmasc, and change how you see yourself? seeing your confidence in your photos and your comfort with your gender has been immensely helpful for me and it’d mean a lot if i could get your thoughts on this! :) pls answer if you feel comfortable
Hey anon! I’m extremely touched that me posting and stuff has helped you out🥺
I think first of all is that I try NOT to rationalize myself to people — I (we) don’t need to! One of the most important things a friend told me is “I don’t need you to get it or understand, I just need you to respect me.” This has especially been helpful with people like my parents who I genuinely think would get it more if I were a binary trans man lol. But they don’t have to get it! They just need to respectfully try to use my pronouns and say stuff like “my child” instead of “my daughter.”
Secondly, it’s important to remember that everyone’s gender journey is their own. It can be really hard to not get bogged down especially in this age of social media. Like I was posting about yesterday — it gets me down that I’m not so confident in HRT like a lot of people I know are! But also — and I know I’m immensely lucky for this — most of my friends are also trans and are very supportive of me and my identity which is very helpful. When I feel “less” trans I know that’s me projecting and not anybody making me feel that way.
Re: differentiating — I don’t see myself as a cis fem woman because I’m not! That sounds so stupidly simple but it really is. When I think of calling myself a woman I get this icky feeling all over. I don’t think this means I can’t connect to womanhood. I personally DO feel like I was a girl who later blossomed (lol) into a dude. I went through a lot of stuff as a girl that I still connect with. Doesn’t mean the trans shit wasn’t always there. Now that I know, I see a lot of egg moments in my younger self. But I still connect with my girlhood. A lot of trans people were always that gender and that’s awesome. I don’t feel that way, and that’s also okay. A great phrase I use a lot is “one person’s dysphoria is another’s euphoria.”
That all said — identifying with fem men over fem women definitely speaks to you identifying with masculinity. I think masculinity can be whatever you make it. Sometimes I feel so masc when I have a full face and super revealing dress on! I get it though, it sucks when people don’t see you how you are. And it can be a bummer to constantly correct people. It does get me down a lot. I think I take a lot of comfort in surrounding myself with people who respect me — I know this is easier said than done but I really recommend trying to get involved in your local queer community if at all possible, and if not finding people online.
Re: my presentation — I never felt like I was born in the wrong body or anything like that, I have way more social dysphoria. I don’t like that I’m seen as a woman walking down the street. I don’t like that when guys hit on me at the bar it’s 99% of the time because they think I’m just an alt girl. But I don’t want to change to fit what others perceive. I like my boobs! I like my pussy! I like my curves! And I think really trying to overcome the “this body type/presentation = woman” thing in your head is HARD but necessary. I totally get why others want top, bottom, etc. That’s their way of feeling more aligned with their gender and that’s fantastic. For me…it isn’t. Really trying to view these things as neutral is hard but necessary.
Same with pregnancy. Now I’ve wanted to be a mom since I was a little girl (see!) and now that I’m a grown man/masc/person that hasn’t changed. I really really view pregnancy as a neutral. It’s something my body can do and I want to do it. Society equates this (and wanting this — but there ARE cis men who want to be pregnant too! People of every gender!) with being a woman but working to remember and surrounding yourself with people who know it’s a neutral can be helpful. That’s another thing like…I would consider myself a mother. Some transmascs who choose to give birth may want to be called a father or another term. I view these terms as neutral in my head. Like gender identity it’s whatever feels right to YOU.
Whoever you identify with that makes YOU feel good is valid — like I know the word valid has been overused on the Internet but I really mean it. Like Joan Jett is on my gender moodboard as much as Kellan Lutz in Twilight. I really found comfort in finding my own style, which I describe as jock/goth (joth) lol and so playing around with that has been helpful. If fem men are how you feel connected to your masculinity — then hell yes! With stuff like makeup…I like makeup! That’s a value neutral! I like the artistry and playing around with it. I have to work to remember that it isn’t an inherently cisfem thing.
Unfortunately a lot of my coping is self-validation (and luckily, from my friends too) and believing that society will catch up.
I know this was SUPER rambly but my coping mechanism has been fake it till you make it from the time I was a 9 year old being bullied in 4th grade and it still is. If you act confident the confidence will come…
Idk how helpful this was but I hope it was a bit!
Btw — if you feel transmasc, then you are :) it’s as simple as that!
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selfproclaimedunicorn · 6 months
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If my OC was canon how would the fandom treat them? - for Ella!
Oh boy. My daughter is so much to think about this with
This potentially dips into light spoilers, but oh well. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Ella would get the absolute most rancid discourse. She's selfish and brash and quick tempered with a tendency to lash out, she gets to a point where she thinks threats and violence can solve most of her problems: she's her dad with morals who is capable of occasionally apologizing. Fandom would hate that (God forbid women do anything), especially since she's not really on Rhaenyra’s side anymore after they grow up (purely because of growing apart and them both being fairly self-destructive). There'd be all kinds of half-baked meta stripping her of her nuance to say she's a completely irredeemable villain who's probably abusive to her kids and is an awful, self-serving bitch who's not actually Valyrian since her mom is Rhea Royce. Takes about how she helped Yorick to turn Aemon against their dad and Rhaenyra and Viserys (never mind Aemon is a little hater all on his own) and how she doesn't deserve Vermithor/stole him from someone who deserves him more and trying to paint it like it's a bad thing that Jaehaerys is rolling in his grave about her claiming him (he's doing that because a woman claimd his dragon, regardless of what she acts like, and I think that's beautiful).
On the flip side, she kind of accidentally came fresh from the I Am Not LIke Other Girls So I Think That Makes Me Inherently Progressive self-projection factory, so there'd probably be boocoos fic of the aforementioned Fandom Types writing "fix it AUs" where Ella "gets over her internalized misogyny to defect to the feminist side of the war" because she "realized Rhaenyra is her true friend and that this will honor Laena's memory and also her dad will/does love her."
Just a lot of overall misunderstanding of her character.
Ngl, I sort of struggle to think of what people who like her would do (outside of the "I don't 100% get Ella fix-it fics. Which, if you have those caveats, do you like a character, or do you just like what you want them to represent?). I can only assume half of the Ella Stan's time would be spent defending her from people who try to make her sound worse than she is. The other half is spent on psychoanlizing her and screaming about much they revel in everything that's wrong with her or going frame-by-frame on her tender moments (with her mom, with Vermithor, with her brothers, with her friends, with her husband and kids. It's all fair game)
In terms of shipping, I may or may not have a big document on the notes app of my phone where I have listed all the potential fics I think people would write if my babies were canon. So, looking at the bits about Ella: Harwin or Larys would be her most popular ships (outside her canon pairing, I am excluding her currently unmet husband), I feel that in my bones. Episode 3 would set either of those up & people who wanna ship her with someone besides Ser Robert Tyrell would not let that go. Ella/Laena & Ella/Yarwyck [another OC/her cousin] would probably be pretty well liked too, but given How Fandoms Are, I can honestly see Ella/Rhaenyra being more popular than Ella/Laena even though that one makes less sense (to me). Also, because this is The Targ Show and it's unavoidable (especially with how close they are), I know people would ship her with Yorick/her twin brother (and maybe even her younger brother/Aemon--nevermind that he's 11 years younger than her). I don't like it, neither of them would like it, literally only their dad would like it, but it would be there.
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stenchkow · 6 months
Text
“In the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshiping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship...is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive.” - David Foster Wallace, ‘This is Water’
Yesterday, I finished the novel that I spent nearly six years on.
I began this essay with the intention of discussing the technical aspects of working on the same writing project over such a long period. I thought I would write about how the development of one’s prose and rhetorical skills over time creates interesting challenges in the course of rewriting, or how deciding to change the tense of your novel several years in will break the spirit of even the most hardened line editor, or even how it’s important to know when to stop. Instead, however, I’ve found myself reflecting on my relationship with my art.
I’ve finished novels before. I’ve queried agents about novels. I’ve trunked novels. Never before, however, have I dedicated so many years of my life to a project, nor have I finished a piece that I personally feel has a significant level of craft attached to it. Similarly, never before have I completed a project that was one of my primary reasons for living.
When you’re struggling with severe mental illness, staking your purpose for living on the completion of an art project is something I would not recommend. By doing so, you worship at the feet of the most delicate of idols, with all of the risks that come to you should that idol topple. Nevertheless, it’s what I did. Now, after months of medication, self-reflection, and editing (so much editing), I am both in a better place, and faced with the aftermath of my choice.
Good or bad, amateurish or masterful, it does not matter. What this novel means to me goes far beyond metrics such as quality. It is not hyperbolic for me to state that I have obtained my heart’s desire. Now I must exist in the twilight of that achievement, and find a new goal to set my heart upon. Or perhaps, with work, I can learn to simply enjoy the journey for its own sake, without the need for a goal.
Is the relationship I have with my art healthy? I personally feel like it goes beyond the bounds of healthy or unhealthy, which is (entirely coincidentally, I’m sure) exactly what someone who has had a deeply unhealthy relationship with her art would say.
There are several views I can potentially take of this novel. The first is as a burden, a desiccated corpse I’ve dragged through the desert of my suffering. Hating and cursing it yet unable to let it go, even as it pulls me deeper into exhaustion. The second is as a savior, a descending angel that pulls me from the waste in an act of what can only be described as mercy. There have been many days where I’ve been guilty of thinking of this novel in one of these terms, particularly the first.
There is, however, a third way I can choose to view this experience, a way that I believe to be closer to the truth.
A woman walks through the desert. Every movement she makes is a supreme effort, an act of rebellion against a body that is tired of living. At her side walk four, perhaps five others. With every step they take, the group’s feet sink into the sand. Hesitantly, they wrap their arms about each other’s shoulders. Together, they teach one another to love themselves. Arm in arm, they walk onward into the night.
I love these characters more than I can say. There are so many ways for them to grow and change, so many stories to tell with them. In a number of senses, the journey has only just begun.
Yet I do not walk alone.
#
Thank you to everyone who has reviewed my work and offered support, feedback, or something in between. I owe you more than I can say.
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heretic-altias · 6 months
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FFXIVWrite Day 16 - Jerk
Altais is very self aware that she is in fact, a jerk, lol. Yet somehow she still makes friends. This takes place at some point during Heavensward, as Altais spent that expac learning mch.
Don’t know my characters? Here’s a basic breakdown to help you out!
~
Ishgard’s ever freezing climate was not pleasant to an Au Ra. Altais’s scales frequently felt like ice against her skin.
It had originally been the simple warmth emitting from the manufactory that had driven her to see what Stephanivien had wanted. And maybe one could argue that had brought her back the next couple of times. But as Solar’s time in Ishgard went on, she found herself enjoying the work there. Designing and building weapons was a way to grow stronger, and she had a good mind for the magitek engineering involved.
Stephanivien was also the only Ishgardian who acted so friendly towards her. Sure, there were a couple of people who acted friends towards the Scions and Solar as a whole, but Altais had always felt those people tolerated her at best. She was not a kind person, and had never learned a lot of social niceties. She usually came across as blunt and rude, whether it was intentional or not. Combine that with a general mistrust of people, and you had a woman who was very difficult to befriend. Most people backed off fairly quickly. Ishgardians in particular with their general dislike of anything scaled.
So Altais didn’t quite get why she was wanted in the manufactory. She knew Stephanivien wasn’t like the typical Ishgardian noble in regards to origin, he would recruit anyone willing to spend time there. But how had she not scared him off with her demeanor like most others? He didn’t even avoid her while she worked, he would often stop to ask how it was going, or work on his own project nearby to make small talk. Altais could understand her talent being wanted, she had picked up on the craft faster than anyone else, but why did he value her company?
One day, tinkering with her newest weapon, she decided to ask.
“Why do you like being around me anyway?”
“Why would you ask such a thing? Do you have reason to doubt my intentions?” Stephanivien questioned curiously, stopping what he was working on to give her his full attention.
“I doubt everyone’s intentions to a degree, but you’re not exceptional there. Most people don’t like my company though. I’m not exactly friendly. Some people have told me I’m outright mean. Not that it matters to me, I am what I am, but you’ve been the odd exception in this city. Solar likes me, but what we have is something… different” Altais shrugged.
Solar was the group of people she constantly faced life and death consequences with. They knew she could fight alongside them and had seen that she would. That wasn’t an experience anyone else shared with her. It was hard to put into words exactly what, but that had built a special sort of bond between them. One even Altais could recognize.
“Well you and I share this interest in machinistry. That’s enough to start a conversation in itself I daresay. I try to talk with everyone here, but you keep up with my theories better than anyone else. You don’t share much about yourself, but when we work together I see a bright mind behind that harsh exterior that I’d like to get to know more” Stephanivien thought aloud, seeming to consider his words carefully.
“I’m not really sure what it is you think you see. I’m not a very good person and I come across exactly as I am” Altais answered back.
“Ah, but you’re not a bad person. ‘Good’ and ‘kind’ are not always connected. You may not be kind my friend, but I can assure you that you are good. Do you think I would have seen the potential I did in you if you weren’t?”
Altais had her doubts. She could see what he meant, this city was full of outwardly kind people who were rotten to the core. But just following some heroic types around didn’t make her good like they were.
“I don’t think I’ll ever understand your persistence in befriending me” Altais finally decided with a shake of her head.
Maybe someday she would. But she’d said pretty much the same thing to Akku early on, and while she liked him and considered him a friend now, she still didn’t understand his persistent attempts at friendship in face of her attempts to brush him away.
“You might just need more time to grow used to it. But if there is anything I can do to make you feel more comfortable here, be sure to tell me. I would hate for you not to return” Stephanivien insisted.
Altais turned away from her own work to glance at the project behind him.
“Well that gun certainly isn’t capable of shooting me in the back, so I think I’m safe for the moment” she pointed out.
Stephanivien feigned hurt, “You wound me! Worry not though! She’ll shoot perfectly well once I finish putting her together! But I believe the targets we have set up would be more suitable for testing than your back”
“Using those would come with less regret too I’d imagine. The targets don’t shoot back”
Stephanivien laughed, and while Altais’s face didn’t change, a slight upward lift in her tail gave away her amusement to those who knew to recognize it.
Altais didn’t have the answer to her question in the end, but she also didn’t have a reason to stop coming back.
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rouxthewriter · 1 year
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Hound Dog
Pairing: Tom Riddle/Reader
Word Count: 1,039
Warnings: reader is a BAMF
Summary: You're a famous actress who's used to dealing with the entitled attitudes of Hollywood's elite. But when you meet Tom Riddle, you find yourself facing a different kind of challenge.
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You were at a celebrity event, surrounded by the usual crowd of self-absorbed assholes. You weren't particularly interested in being there, but it was part of the job. As a famous actress, you had to attend these kinds of events and pretend to enjoy yourself. That’s what your publicist told you, at least. It felt like that man was trying to suck the life out of you sometimes
The room was dimly lit, with warm yellow lights casting a soft glow across the walls. The air was thick with the smell of smoke and alcohol, a mixture of cigars and whiskey permeating the space. The walls were lined with plush red velvet curtains, which added to the sense of opulence and grandeur. In the center of the room, a large circular bar dominated the space, with polished chrome fittings and shelves lined with bottles of all shapes and sizes. The bartender was a tall, wiry man with slicked-back hair and a pencil-thin mustache, who expertly mixed drinks and served them up with a flourish.
The room was filled with people, all dressed in their finest attire, sipping cocktails and chatting animatedly. The sound of chatter and laughter blended together, creating a low hum of noise that filled the air.
The seating areas were arranged in intimate clusters, with plush armchairs and couches arranged around small tables. The upholstery was a rich deep red, adding to the sense of luxury and comfort. The tables were littered with empty glasses and half-finished drinks, and the sound of ice clinking against glass added to the overall ambiance.
You were sitting at the bar, a perfect place to be alone when all the tables are taken by people you could never take home to your mother.
But you didn’t want to be alone.
You were scanning the room, searching for someone to talk to, when you caught sight of Tom Riddle. He was standing near the bar, talking to a group of people, but his eyes were locked on you. He was handsome, that was for sure, but you'd heard about his reputation as a womanizer. You weren't interested in dealing with that kind of drama.
But before you could turn away, he started making his way over to you. "Hey there," he said, flashing you a charming smile. "I don't think we've met before."
You raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. "I'm sure there's a reason for that."
He chuckled. "Well, I'm Tom. And you are?"
"Someone who's not interested," you replied coolly.
He didn't seem to be deterred by your attitude. "Come on, don't be like that. I'm just trying to get to know you."
You rolled your eyes. "I'm not interested in getting to know you."
Tom seemed to be taken aback by your bluntness, but he didn't give up. "Why not? I'm a pretty interesting guy."
You looked him up and down, taking in his cocky grin and confident stance. "I don't know, maybe it's the hound dog look you've got going on. You're not exactly my type."
He laughed. "Oh, I get it. You're playing hard to get. Well, I like a challenge."
You scoffed. "I'm not playing anything. I'm just not interested. And I'm definitely not interested in being your 'challenge'."
Tom's grin faltered slightly, but he quickly regained his composure. "Well, that's too bad. You're missing out on a good time."
You raised an eyebrow. "Oh, I'm sure I am."
He leaned in closer, his breath hot on your ear. "You know, I bet you'd change your mind if you saw what I can do."
You pulled away, disgusted. "I don't want to see what you can do. I'm not interested in anything you have to offer."
Tom's face twisted into a sneer. "Fine. Whatever. You're not that hot anyway."
You couldn't help but laugh at his childish behavior. "Is that supposed to bother me? I don't care what you think."
But as Tom walked away, you couldn't help but feel a twinge of annoyance. Who did he think he was, acting like he was God's gift to women? You were a successful actress, and you didn't need some arrogant asshole like him trying to impress you.
But as the night wore on, you found yourself unable to shake the memory of Tom's smug grin. You kept catching glimpses of him across the room, chatting up other women and basking in their adoration.
You knew you should just forget about him and move on, but something about his arrogance was driving you crazy. So when he made his way over to you again, you decided to give him a piece of your mind.
"I'm done with this game," you said, standing up from your seat. "I don't have time for boys like you who think they can treat women like toys to be played with and discarded." You gave your card to the eavesdropping bartender, who reluctantly left the scene.
Tom looked up at you with a mix of surprise and annoyance. "What, are you too good for me now? You're just like every other girl in this town, thinking you're better than everyone else because you're famous."
You scoffed. "I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, but I do know my worth. And I won't settle for someone who can't treat me with respect."
Tom rolled his eyes. "Respect? Please. You're just like every other Hollywood diva, thinking you're entitled to everything just because you're famous. Well, let me tell you something, sweetheart, you're not that special.
You took a step closer to him, your eyes locked on his. "I may be a Hollywood actress, but that doesn't give you the right to treat me like garbage. And you know what? You're right, I'm not that special. But I deserve someone who treats me like I am."
With that, you turned on your heel and walked away, leaving Tom sitting there with a scowl on his face. As you walked out of the club, you couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe, he'd learned his lesson. But even if he hadn't, you knew you weren't going to waste any more of your time on a hound dog like him.
Being alone wasn’t so bad after all.
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adirectorprepares · 6 months
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okay here is my review of the barbie movie: (alison bechdel’s mother voice) it does not cohere. i’m kind of offended that i feel the need to expend more thought and energy on understanding it than that, but here we are.
i think the most prominent idea that stands out to me is the interaction between sentiment and doll play (ie an affect studies reading). because there are some facets that play together in interesting ways:
— the centring of emotion as part of a political project (see the lawyer at the beginning saying that she doesn’t feel the need to separate her emotion from her reason and that this makes her more powerful - emotional gestures affording material power). cf the role of emotion in theories of dolls and children’s culture: the idea of dolls training girls in emotional gestures, something that historically both confines white women to a subordinated position in a domestic sphere *and* gives them a position of racialised power (robin bernstein talks about how historically american dolls positioned young white girls not as a mother, but as a *mistress*).
— the idea of emotion as a virus that can contaminate a body and/or a body politic. gloria’s emotions seeping into barbie and rendering her “defective”, physically and internally. patriarchal gestures as a literal virus against which barbies and kens in their fantasy land have no resistance (signalled via the infamous Indigenous peoples and smallpox line).
— critical responses to the movie being dominated by emotion and a sense of belonging / representation politics. “i felt seen by a movie for the first time”; “men wouldn’t get it because it’s not for them, it understands *me*, and critics who don’t feel an emotional sense of belonging and connection to it don’t have an epistemological right to comment on it”
then we have the discursive appeals to reality and authenticity. the central meaning most people in the (very bleak) tag seem to take from the movie is that gender roles are performative (which plays with the movie interpreting ‘types’ of barbies as a kind of aesthetic gestus, a gestus of being rather than of doing) - and that the *solution* to the problem of performative gender roles is to be your authentic self - which crucially involves letting yourself ‘feel’ your emotions, rather than trying to mediate them. ken’s arc is based on him ‘acting out’ because he can’t properly process his emotions about barbie not liking him; his solution at the end is to properly and openly process these emotions, to acknowledge them as real rather than trying to hide or sublimate them. (the ken war is silly and doesn’t solve anything; barbie and ken’s ending conversation is real and does solve things.) see also the fact that feeling ‘real’, complex emotions as part of barbie’s journey to becoming human, the maker rather than the made thing - kind of aligning with elaine scarry in the idea that humans make things to deal with and ameliorate scary or complicated emotions, crucially substituting emotional pain for scarry’s physical pain. (but becoming a real human woman at the end is also physical and embodied - see the other infamous line about the gynaecologist.)
i don’t….really know where i’m going with any of this, and like i said i don’t feel it would be a particularly productive use of my time to try and assemble a proper reading. but…..something something american tradition of sentimentalism and emotional cohesion vs troubled or unsettled or uncaring emotional responses. (something something i am still, somehow, expected to *care* about ken. something something i somehow still feel like i’m being trained in emotional gestures of womanhood.) something something unfortunately for greta gerwig i believe the only way to meaningfully comment on barbie is a two-hour lesbian sex scene between gloria and barbie heavy on the power play. idk.
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xxswag-daddy-69xx · 7 months
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Witchy Questions Tag...Thing?
Came across this in my scrolling and thought it looked fun! I know I reblog a lot of stuff related to witchcraft and have briefly talked about my practice, but if anyone is curious to learn more, this is the place for it!
Here's the link if anyone wants to do it too!
Do you use runes as a written language? - No I don't. I do use runes on occasion for spellwork, but not as a written language.
2. Do you feel you have natural gifts such as (premonitions, hearing spirits) and if so do you think this is what led you to this path? - I've found that I'm rather good at sensing different energies (whether physical or emotional) and I can read people incredibly well. That in of itself isn't what led me down this path, but these skills have certainly come in handy during my practice.
3. What deity do you work with if any and why?- I currently am working with Apollo, Cerridwen, Hades, and Oonagh. Apollo has been helping me a lot with self-care and self-esteem and generally helping me rediscover a zest for life I thought I'd lost. He kindled a love for Divination I haven't let go of too and is a big help when it comes to my creative work! Cerridwen has been helping me better connect with my heritage and has been a beacon of inspiration as I delve further into my craft and into who I truly am as a person. Hades has been helping me manage my money a bit better and has been a very calming presence while I’ve begun processing my own mental health battles and trauma (he and Apollo are preparing me to do a LOT of Shadow Work.) Oonagh is the most recent deity to reach out to me, and she intends to assist me with building a better relationship with exercise and my own self-image as I begin to take steps into a transitional period of my life. She’s hoping to help me reconnect and heal my inner-child as well.
4. Have you always worked with this same deity? - I’ve only really begun deity work this year, so all the deities I’ve listed are the only ones I’ve worked with so far and are the same ones I work with right now.
5. Do you use any personal items in your practice, (blood, semen, tears, urine, etc)? - No, I haven’t used anything like that. Maybe fingernail clippings or hair in the future, but nothing further than that.
6. Do you do past life readings or have ever had one done; who where you or how did you die? - I haven’t, but I’m interested in it!
7. What is your favorite magical tool? - My tarot cards! I absolutely adore them and I get in such a good mood whenever I get to use them.
8. What is a song or type of music that gets you into a witchy mood? - Anything by Celtic Woman, Fish In A Birdcage, and/or Poor Man’s Poison.
9. Where is the most magical place you have ever been? - There is this foresty area my parents used to take me to a lot when I was a kid that honestly felt like stepping into a fairytale whenever we arrived.
10. What animal is your familiar if any? - I currently don’t have a familiar.
11. If you have a familiar, did you choose them or did they choose you? - As previously mentioned, I don’t have a familiar as of right now.
12. What in the craft are you best at (tarot, spells, ritual,) etc? - I’ve done a lot of divination work, mainly with tarot and pendulums, and I’ve found I’m the best at that.
13. What in the craft would you say you are weaker at? - I’m not very good at astral projection, but I’d love to get better.
14. What is your most favorite part of your craft (spell writing, divination, etc)? - Divination for sure! I also love the deity work that I do and the bits of dabbling that I can do into kitchen witchcraft.
15. What was the first tool you ever purchased? - My first tarot deck! Was only of the major arcana and it was themed around cryptids. It's now my main way to communicate with Hades. He really likes it. ^^
16. What was your first homemade tool for your practice? - My first physical book of shadows. I use a digital one a lot more now, but I hope to transfer everything into a proper physical form one of these days.
17. What are your feelings on raising kids in the craft? - If I were to have kids, I would be open about my craft, observe Wiccan holidays, and answer any questions they’d have, but ultimately leave whatever spiritual path they wish to go down up to them.
18. If you were a goddess or god, who would you be? - Honestly, I’m not sure. I’m quite content in my mortal coil and enjoying the relationship I have with the divine as of right now. ^^;
19. Do you use astrology in your practice? In what ways? - I’ve always loved astrology and try to work moon phases into when I do spellwork and star signs into my divination work when I do readings for other people.
20. What if any ways could you practice dark magic and still respect the beliefs of Wicca? - I’m a firm believer in not harming others when it comes to my craft. If it were in self-defense it would be one thing, but I won’t be practicing anything that could violate the natural law and morals I’ve come to know for so long.
21. Do you have any witches in your family? - My mother and my younger sibling! My father and stepmother are also spiritually inclined, but I don’t believe they consider themselves witches.
22. What item can you not witch without? - My pocket sack of crystals and oils! Never leave home without them.
23. What is your favorite sabbat or time of year ritual? - I’d say Samhain and Yule are my favorites!
24. Have you ever had a YouTube burn out? - Occasionally, but nothing that pulls me away for too long. It's a big part of my job after all!
25. What is your fav witchy shop, and do they have an online store? - Blodforlog on Etsy! Their stuff is extremely well made and the owner is so kind!
26. When buying witchy items, do they choose you or do you choose them? - Depends on what I’m looking for! When it comes to things like herbs or crystals, I tend to choose them. Anything else tho, I either feel pulled to them personally, or one of my deities draw me to them.
27. How do you organize your herbs/ingredients? - I organize everything into labeled jars and bottles that I either line on my windowsill or keep in a designated box.
28. Do you have interest in other deities that you don’t work with; if so, which ones? - I currently don’t work with Loki or Dionysus, but their mythology interests me a lot!
29. Do you have a favorite time of day to do spell work; if so, why? - I prefer to do spellwork whenever I need to throughout the day. No real designated time.
30. Are you solitary or do you work with a coven? - Currently a solitary practitioner. If a coven ever came my way that seemed like a good fit for me tho, I might consider it.
31. If you could pick a certain witchcraft tradition that fits your practice most what would it be (Druid, Celtic, Wicca etc)? - I’d consider myself a Wiccan, though I hope to research further into Celtic practices given my Celtic heritage.
32. What was the most creative spell you have ever done. What did you use? - I came up with a long-distance protection spell to help keep my partner in good health and spirits while his state was being overrun by smoke. It mostly consisted of spoken word and runes as well as some protection oils and black salt that I had on hand (I was staying with my family for a holiday and didn't have all my usual tools and materials on me).
33. What do you prefer for divination (tarot, oracle, runes ,etc, and why?) - Tarot cards and pendulums are my go-to items for divination.
34. What are some ways you keep yourself grounded? - I have a pouch of protection/grounding stones and oils that I keep on me at all times. I also wear a lot of grounding-based jewelry and have different playlists prepared for me to listen to if I feel myself spiraling or getting anxious or overwhelmed.
35. Have you ever had a spell go horribly wrong? - Not yet, as far as I can tell.
36. What are your opinions on initiation rituals? - I honestly don’t know a lot about them, so I don’t really have an opinion. ^^;
37. Have you ever had full contact with your deity; if so, what happened? - I’ve mostly heard their voices in the back of my head and catch glimpses of them when I’m really tired and a bit more “floaty” if that makes sense? I have a good idea of what they look like and what they sound like, but otherwise, divination is really the only way I can communicate with them directly and get a direct answer back. The first time I ever actively communicated with a deity was Apollo. I had asked for a sign that he was present and reaching out to me while I shuffled my tarot deck, and the cards exploded out of my hand and all over the floor. The first card I picked up was the sun card, so that certainly was the sign I was looking for. XD
38. What about you is un witchy? - I’m a giant weeb. ^w^
39. For the dating witch, how do you tell a new love interest that you are a witch? - I’d honestly just be open about it and understand that there may be questions about it. So long as I’m transparent with them, I’ve found they take it best.
40. Who is a past witch that has inspired you ,famous or not? - SpiritualiTea has been a big inspiration to me! Her approach with witchcraft is super grounded and she clearly has a lot of fun with what she does.
41. How do you handle rejection from a fellow witch that refuses to do a reading or spell for you? - That hasn’t happened yet.
42. Do you think it is necessary to cast a circle when you do spell work or any magical working? - I don’t typically cast a circle for typical spellwork, but it is something I recommend of you are calling on other entities for assistance.
43. If Steven Spielberg called and wanted to make a movie of your life, who would you want to play as you? - Uhhhhhh…if it were animated…idk…Ben Schwartz?
44. What is some advice that was given to you that you pass along because it made an impact on your path? - Your path doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s. Do things at your own pace and do what brings you the most happiness. So long as you aren't hurting anyone of course.
45. What is some advice you would give someone who has not found there diety? - Trust your instincts, do your research, and be openminded. The divine may just surprise you.
46. Where do you buy your herbs? - Either online or from whatever grocery store that has what I need.
47. How did you feel casting your first circle (silly, scared, stumbling, etc)? - Very intimidated and like everything I was doing was wrong.
48. What was your first successful spell? - I did a restful sleep spell to help with my insomnia. It’s helped a great deal (tho honestly I’m overdue for replacing the jar ^^;)
49. What is your general practice for meditation? - I have a hard time doing traditional meditation, so I’d consider listening to calming music and taking a walk or laying in bed quietly to be my personal form of meditation.
50. Are you a day walker or a night comer? - I’ve always been more of a night person, tho I do enjoy many aspects of the day!
51. How and when did you know you wanted to be on this path? - I was raised Pagan by my parents and picked up Wicca as I got older. It was made clear to me that I was free to choose my own path, but Paganism and Wicca just resonated with me the most and thus when I was old enough to decide that for myself, I knew that the path of witchcraft was the best path for me. It’s helped me through so much in my life and I want to continue that trend for both myself and those around me.
52. What type of pagan are you (Wiccan, eclectic, hedge, etc)? - I would consider myself Pagan-Wicca that is pretty eclectic in terms of witchcraft practice.
53. What candle color do you use most? - I live in a dormitory that doesn’t allow candles right now, so I haven’t been able to do many candle spells yet. Of the colors I HAVE used tho, yellow and white seem to be my go-tos as of right now.
54. What area would you like to see your craft grow in? - I’d love to look more into medical herbalism! It’s an area I’ve always been really interested in!
55. What is your preference, to buy or make your tools? - If I’m unable to make something myself, I prefer to purchase handmade items from small businesses and show my support to fellow witches.
56. What fictional witch book/screen inspired you the most? - I adored Sabrina The Teenage Witch growing up and The Owl House is one of my current favorites! I have always been drawn to shows and books that featured witchcraft in general, so it's nice to see more witch-themed content being made.
57. With your first spell where you alone or in a coven? - I was alone.
58. What is your favorite candle, incense scent for magical purposes? - I adore the smell of lavender and anything with a bit of a spicy scent to it like cinnamon!
59. Where is your favorite place to go to reconnect with nature? - A park near my family’s house has a hidden clearing that looks over a river. It’s one of my favorite places in the world.
60. Do you believe in fantasy creatures (unicorns, gnomes, elves, fairies, etc)? - Of course! Fairies have been an active part of my life since I was small.
61. Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? - Yep! Have always been surrounded by the supernatural.
62. Would you ever teach the craft? - If I ever became an expert at any specific area of it, I’d consider it!
63. What if any legal herb do you use for moods? - Essential oils are my best friend! I have different ones for every occasion!
64. What is the most recent spell/ritual you have done? (slight detail please) - I have a simple intentions ritual that I do in the morning that involves runes and different oils that help me get in the headspace I need in order to do what I need to do that day. For example, if I know I have a lot of work I need to do that day (I’m a freelance editor), I would do a ritual with Road Opening oil and Divine Blessings so that way I know the flow of creativity I need will be available to me and I’ll be less susceptible to distractions.
65. Do you have a happy place you go to during meditation? - Either my bed or somewhere outside.
66. What is your favorite witchy book? - Nothing specifically witchy itself, but a book that always puts me in a witchy mood is Coraline by Neil Gaiman!
67. Do you have a ritual to get ready before a ritual or spell? (what is it) - Not really. Most smaller spellwork I do is stuff I do as it comes throughout the day. No real need for prep beforehand.
68. Do you always use your own spells or do you tweak others? - I tend to take inspiration from other spells and make them my own to suit what I need them to do.
69. Do you prefer spells/ritual inside or outside? - They’re typically done as I need them, so whether that’s indoors or outdoors is left up to circumstance.
70. If you are coming from a Christian/catholic background. Did you find the transition hard with family and the whole going to Hell thing? Basically leaving all you been told was right? - As I said before, I was raised Pagan, so I never had that issue with my family. The last two partners I had came from VERY strict Catholic and Christian upbringings, however, so explaining my background to their parents was always…interesting. My current partner’s family is very open to Paganism thankfully, so haven’t run into issues there yet.
71. What are your totem animals? - I don’t believe I have any yet, if I’m understanding the question properly.
72. What are some things you reuse after spells/ritual work? - Mostly jars and containers if I clean and cleanse them first.
73. Who helped you most when you starting on your path? - A lot of resources in the form of online creators that I found online and from my own family has been extremely helpful.
74. Do you know any good witchy phone apps (like moon phases)? - I’ve used a moon phase app and a stone identification app in the past, but the names aren’t coming to mind atm. ^^;
75. What is your favorite magical study? - Honestly, anything I can find! I’ve been enjoying learning divination and kitchen witchcraft the most tho!
76. Outside of the YouTube and Facebook community, do you have a lot of witchy friends in the physical world? - I have a handful, but we all haven’t talked in a bit due to life stuff. ^^;
77. Do you feel that the deities we work with are a force from one higher power and that all beliefs and religions are from the same one God/place? - I’m more of an Omnist and believe that all deities from all cultures are real, even if I myself don’t work with all of them.
If you have any questions regarding any of my answers, feel free to let me know! Otherwise, here it be! Hope you all enjoy! Blessed be!
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🏳️‍🌈 kyle and/or stan if u will!!
Just now getting to this! Thank you <3 (a little long because apparently I can't have headcanons without giving an essay in reasoning)
send me a 🏳️‍🌈 and a character name and ill share my gender/sexuality headcanon for them
Kyle: There's no way Kyle is cishet. I refuse to believe it. Throughout the series, he's always been shown to be different from the others in his self presentation, his way of thinking... etc. I'm not going to look further for more episodes proving this, as this is just at the top of my head, but the two that come into my mind first are "South Park is Gay" (S7E8) where Kyle is shown as the only kid who's not metrosexual, the joke being an obvious satirical swap on how queer children are treated in school. I think people can choose to interpret this how they'd like, but given how much Kyle is shown to be different from others, I'd like to believe it's evident of some sort of deviation from a heteronormative world (although I would assume he's more comfortable with masculinity than not). The second is one I never see being brought up, "Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy" (S10E10) in only the women and Kyle being able to understand the immorality of Ike's situation. The episode was meant to convey the generalized thought process of men versus women, men constantly responding "nice" throughout the episode, while only women were able to see how wrong it is. Cartman, Kenny, and even Stan seemed impressed with Ike, while Kyle was the only boy concerned. This is proof of his thoughts deviating from the norm, and in this episode specifically tying into Kyle and gender interpretation.
That being said, I want to say that Kyle wouldn't align with either being a man or a woman - he would be somewhere in-between, or perhaps not there at all! Kyle is the type of person to take pride in his individuality (even if he does succumb to peer pressure at times) and stick to what he believes is true, so I see his gender identity being on its own, something like being agender. I myself am agender, so perhaps I'm projecting with my own relation to his personality, but I believe he wouldn't feel as if he'd even fit on the spectrum of gender, but not feeling like he has one at all - he's just Kyle! I'm answering more than I need to here, but I think... with Kyle, he feels more comfortable having a direct answer (black and white), so he'd flip-flop to different genders/sexualities so much until he found the right one! He's not content with just knowing he doesn't align with the heteronorm, he needs to know exactly what he feels, exactly what is defined... exactly who he is. I think he would just stick with he/him pronouns, as it's what he grew up with and what he's used to, so he doesn't mind it! He tried out they/them, but just couldn't vibe with it. So agender Kyle using he/him pronouns (who still prefers to appear masculine than anything else).
I'm projecting again. Asexual Kyle. I can just feel it. Kyle's always been one to focus on the emotional aspect of a relationship more than the physical, such as in "Butters' Bottom Bitch" (S13E9), when he emphasizes how important it is to make sure your first kiss is with someone special. It just can't be with anyone! Actually, with this, I want to attach the demisexual label to Kyle. He's definitely some branch of asexual, though. As for romantic attraction... I see Kyle as being gay. I don't know, just... the crush he had in the early seasons with Rebecca seemed like the type of crush that he only had because heteroromanticism is so engraved in society. I know that lots of people, myself included, have had crushes on the opposite sex as a child only to realize later that it was only because you felt like it was expected of you. You were only acting out what you learned in a heteronormative society. His later crushes when he developed more as a character, however... I do not believe he felt romantic attraction to either Nichole or Heidi. With Nichole, he showed no interest in her until he found out that she liked him. With Heidi, he didn't show interest in her until the girls told him he did. With both of these girls, he didn't just like them on his own - he had to have some event happen first, then he came to the conclusion that he liked them. It's kind of like what I said with Rebecca. (As for Leslie, I felt a lack of connection with the storyline, so unfortunately, I wouldn't feel confident discussing it - I'm leaving her out here.)
Stan: He/they. Remember how I said with Kyle that he would want to know exactly what his identity is because that's the type of person he is? Stan's the opposite. I think at first, Stan kind of has a little gender crisis ("The Cissy" [S18E3]), and, similarly to Kyle, he gets hung up over that, but instead of it being tied to identity, it's the emotional journey of that, if that makes sense. It's the fact that they're learning something new about themselves, finding a whole new part of their identity that they didn't know. Stan's desperate to find out who he is, really, and it takes a bit - it's a rough journey, but I think once they figure that out and feel comfortable and adjusted with this discovery, the label of "queer" would work out just fine. He was never able to figure out exactly what he was, but I think the emotional journey that they would've went on would make that okay. To Stan, it's not the idea of those labels, but the emotional journey of self-discovery. It may flip-flop at times, but I think Stan would like to use the label of "queer". Compared to Kyle, Stan's identity would be more important to him, more rooted in heart because that's just the type of person Stan is - he's very sentimental with things.
As for sexuality, Stan is bisexual. It just fits. I think Stan would have an easier time figuring out their bisexuality than gender. First came the gender, and that really did make it easier to come to terms with being bisexual. Again, it's the emotional journey that really helped things more than anything. And he would definitely be the type of person to wear little pride pins, like, a little bisexual flag on the cap to his work uniform or something. The idea of not being cisgender and straight would be uncomfortable at first, as I feel Stan would be afraid of what people thought of them, but over time, he really would come to love and be comfortable with who he is. A long journey, nevertheless, but there will be an end.
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funkymbtifiction · 1 year
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hi! i had a few questions about the image triad -
1. when it comes to 2’s, sx 2 in particular, i know 2 generally desires to appear selfless, empathic, kind, sweet. but what if their partner or desired partner has a preference for people who have an edge, stereotypical “bad boys” or “bad girls”, and is turned off by sweetness and kindness? what would be the priority, maintaining their sweet, helpful image (which feels more authentic to them and aligns more with the person their superego wants them to be/who they see themselves as) or projecting the cool “bad” persona, acting tough and even a bit mean and heartless, all to seduce their partner? would it depend on wing?
2. would they feel guilty for acting like that, especially if it meant hurting others so that their partner thinks they’re hot? or would they just rationalize it’s what their partner “needs” from them and they are a GOOD gf/bf so that means they will do anything for them, including hurting others, thus they can still be proud of themselves? maybe a mix of both?
3. would switching their persona to be like that indicate another type entirely like 3? how would a 2 and a 3 (or even a 4) all approach that same situation where a person they have honed in on and want to attract has a “type” that is not like them or even like the image they generally want to project? who would be the most successful in pulling it off and convincing their partner that’s who they are? who is most likely to tire of it and wish to be themselves again eventually? who is most likely to internalize it and feel like that IS themselves after a while? etc.
tysm again!!
I hope this is theoretical or about a damaged fictional 2. :P
2s who want love will do almost anything to build and maintain a connection, including abdicating themselves and becoming "all about" whatever their significant other is into (ever notice the woman who doesn't care about football, for example, and then is totally all about football when she gets a boyfriend who loves football, for example?). Yes, they could get sucked into cruel or toxic behavior, though the 2w1 would find that harder than a 2w3. The 2w1 if they did it would develop self-righteousness (being "right") to help them get away from self-punishing or self-berating behaviors.
2s who genuinely care about people and their feelings would feel guilt, yes. 2s who do not or who have antisocial or narcissistic tendencies would not. You may want to read up on psychology and the stories people tell themselves to ignore their "sins" / cruelties. (They aren't human... they deserve it... I am righteous ... my cause is just... this is for the greater good... etc.) One good example of an "evil" 2 would be in the Stephen King movie/story Misery, in which a nutjob 2 kidnaps and tortures a writer because she doesn't like the ending of his book. "For his own good" she breaks his ankles. A 2's need/desire to see themselves as wonderful can make them deny any sense of responsibility for their actions and re-frame themselves in a positive light, yes. (I am just helping this person...)
3s would be the most successful at faking things. 2s can do it too. 4s won't change for other people, because that's inauthentic and they reject everything in the outside world in order to find "me."
On a related note, have you ever noticed how Kim Kardashian -- a sexual 3 -- changes her appearance and behavior with every new boyfriend she gets? Right down to a matching hair color sometimes. She's shedding her skin and becoming whatever attracts him, mirroring him as a 3...
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