#i am a gay. finally admitted it u_u

[uh-mozzaza]

CATE DOES PIZZA MOZZARELLA MAKE IT TO TOP 5 OR BOTTOM 5? does the public cheer for it or boo it since europeans gatekeep any american from entering eurovision at all costs? even if he's gay married to an european?

okay, here’s the rundown of the timeline of the Eurovision AU

- Gyro and Johnny, and they were band mates! (oh my god they were band mates)

- they have this shitty two-man band, both double up as vocalists and smashing instruments around until it resembles music, Gyro is the genius lyricist and composer, Johnny provides important insight -I think there should be more “zolas” here”. Their style is between post-grunge folk and alternative indie-punk, as the press would later describe them

- they become famous on italian youtube parody videos

- they get invited to Sanrem0 Festival, the italian song contest, as a publicity stunt meant to draw the younger audience in

- somehow, the song they bring “Pizza Mozzarella” actually slaps. It’s just so goddam catchy. The critics tore it down the first evening, but soon it became a public favorite, the more you listen to it, the more you can’t help but sing along. Rella rella rella rella rella rella

- they win the italian song contest, Italy’s next 8 months will  be plagued by that song on every radio

- the interview after the win, the pivotal question: “Will you guys go to the Eurovision?”

- their manager, Wekapipo, is skeptic. Sure, the song is weird enough to become soon a Euro darling, but everyone knows about the US-phobia of the Eurovision. Israel? Sure! Australia? Let them in! But America? Ugh, canceled on sight. They would be booed off the stage, dishonor on them, dishonor on their country, dishonor on their horses!

- while Wekapipo is droning on, and showing them various clips of past shows as examples, an idea dawns on Gyro’s mind. Sure, they might dislike American stuff at the Eurovision, but they absolutely adore gay stuff. The gayer, the merrier! And what if an American could be... redeemed? Un-americanized, and given a european citizenship, for example... through gay marriage?

- they agree to pull the stunt, but they gotta go BIG and BOLD, they gotta sell the story. They do it all, photos of them going on intimate dates get “accidentally” leaked to the press, social media posts teasing something more, Johnny making a public declaration of love in front of the cameras, tears and all, and finally a big, fat, Neapolitan wedding. As Johnny pushes the wheelchair along the aisle, the organ is playing a cover of one of their old songs, the one that only true hardcore fans will know

- Johnny gets his official italian citizenship in record time, and then it’s off to the Eurovision

- The competition is hard, like the stoic HP with their stoic power ballad, but especially that Diego, whom Johnny and Gyro despise, the first good candidate Englad has had since the start of the Eurovision

- I am already getting tired writing this, so I’ll jump forward to the last show night, just imagine various interviews and gaudy clothes (and pining I guess). Pizza Mozzarella is a fan favorite of the public, and Johnny and Gyro make it to the top podium (Diego is there too, but there is discourse on whether he’s there because his song about dinosaurs that is a metaphor for society is good, or if it’s good for England standards and everyone was just blinded by that fact).

- They’re about to reveal the winner, but WAIT! We are getting an communication from the organizers, apparently... there’s an infiltrator! AN AMERICAN! All hell breaks loose, the public gasps, the participants throw each other suspicious gazes, the entire of Europe holds their breath

- The villain of this story is Magenta Magenta, cause I think he’s funny and he deserves more love. He was bitter that his ex(-manager) Wekapipo had throw him and his promising career in nu synthpop out of the window to focus on the rising duo of Johnny and Gyro, and Magenta Magenta wanted petty revenge. He made an anonymous call to the Eurovision jury, and revealed to them that the Italian participants were a ruse! Fake! Cheaters! They weren’t lovey dovey newlyweds, but lying snakes, they had gotten a flash marriage just to get into the contest through a loophole!

- So Johnny and Gyro get called out in front of 190 millions of people, you know, it’s chill no pressure at all. So they gotta come clean, admit that yeah, it had all been fake and they’re only way to get to sing there. The public is enraged, and starts booing them. That’s when Gyro gets angry, and tells them all to go fuck themselves, bunch of exclusionary assholes, they don’t even realize how great and smart and deadpan funny Johnny is, and basically it’s a very sweet declaration ; _ ; the public is moved and awwws, the presenter dabs away the tears as the two embrace on stage

- But justice doesn’t listen to the heart U_U and the jury deliberates that the duo must be disqualified, the Eurovision is once again free from American influence

- Pocoloco, from Australia, brings home the prize

- But it’s not too bad, they might have not gotten the prize, but the found love and public that loves their music, so now they get to tour around making concerts

#if this looks like a long post about me throwing shade at englad: #it is #I apologize to english followers I mean no harm you guys have very good biscuits #also there is the whole prequel I didn't go into with Trish rapping her daddy issues on stage while 3 guys breakdance in the background #she also doesn't win CAUSE WHEN HAS EUROVISION EVER SHOWN ITALY THE RESPECT IT DESERVES WE'VE BEEN IN THE TOP 10 FOR YEARS AND WE HAVEN'T WO #N ONCE THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE STILL SING IN ITALIAN UNLIKE A BUNCH OF SOLD OUT COWAR- I'm gonna stop