#i dont like that it made it seem like taking care of yourself is selfish

[eddiemunsons-missingnipple]

I'm just needing some reassurance, don't mind me.

Warnings: none just fluff and Eddie being a big softie for you.

"I just really need you, Eddie, and I feel like a spoiled brat for complaining about anything." You looked down, feeling defeated.

You look around the room, avoiding his gaze, knowing you'll break down the moment your eyes meet his. "I miss you.....a lot. I feel horrible for even dumping this on you, because you've done nothing wrong at all"

Eddie already did so much for you as is. He was always there for you. He always made sure you were taken care of. He always made sure you were safe. He'd buy you anything you asked for.

You've been feeling insecure since your lack of intimacy lately and lack of quality time in general. He wasn't around much a lot since working extra hours at the plant. You really miss him and feel bad for expressing your feelings so suddenly. You didn't want to seem ungrateful. You didn't want to make it seem like what he did for you wasn't good enough.

"Baby, look at me." His deep voice finally spoke after letting you vent about everything you've kept bottled up.

You look up at him as he speaks to you. Your eyes glassy, full of tears that threaten to spill out. You're worried he just doesn't want you anymore.

You're also terrified since expressing your feelings that it'll drive him away. You never want to push him away. You know that's not true. He's given no indications of that at all. But you get in your own head way too much.

"Don't feel guilty for expressing how you feel to me. Please dont think you're being selfish for wanting my attention. Dont think you're spoiled because you want to spend some time with me." He has a soft expression on his face as he gets up to kneel down closer to you.

"....you literally can have me whenever. I'm at your beckon call." He takes your hands into his, rubbing his thumb across your knuckles.

"You really mean that?" You cleared your throat, trying your very best not to cry. He always seemed to know exactly what to say.

Eddie smirked and moved to sit on the couch. He patted his thighs, signaling you to sit in his lap.

"I promise I meant everything. You want me all to yourself? You bet your ass you can have me all to yourself. want me for only a little bit? You can keep me until you're sick of me. Lock me in your basement, " he reassured, wrapping his arms around you. you snuggled up to him and laid your head on his chest.

"You always know how to make me feel better." You took the collar of his Dio shirt to wipe your eyes.

"ya know you can talk to me about anything. Always. You're my partner in crime."He whispered in your ear, squeezing you tight.

"Well then, can I keep you all night long and all day tomorrow?" You smiled and played with the ends of his curly hair.

He chuckled. "You can keep me forever, sweetheart."

#eddie munson x reader #eddie munson #joseph quinn #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson x reader fluff #eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson x you #eddie munson blurb #soft!eddie munson #eddie munson fluff #eddie x reader #eddie x you #eddie munson comfort #boyfriend!eddie munson

[morlao]

Traitor

▪︎Luke Castellan x fem!reader

▪︎daughter of Ares

(the story takes place during the last PJ book -> you, Annabeth, Percy and Grover have just entered Olympus and are about to meet Luke/Kronos)

Warnings:

• mentions of blood

• no happy ending

☆ ☆ ☆

You freeze as you spot him.

Those striking eyes, once loving and gentle, now cold and distant. The single strands of hair, that fall into his face. God, you loved playing with his hair while lying in his lap. Or running your hands through his hair while kissing him.

“Luke” It has been a while since you last said his name. You try to avoid it as good as possible, as it leaves a bitter taste on your tongue since the day he turned out to be a traitor. Damn, that day was still as present as ever…

Percy lying in bed in the infirmary and telling you all about Luke´s betrayal… you standing next to his bed, not believing a single word he said… not until you noticed that Luke had disappeared.

In that moment your heart broke so violently, that you still wonder how it was possible that nobody heard it. Your perfect world broke apart within seconds.

Luke was your first everything. The first person you met at camp. The first person you trusted. The first (and only) person who you have ever been in love with. Your first kiss. Your first boyfriend. Your first time. And the first person who broke your heart.

Of course the whole camp was also very suspicious of you. You were Luke´s girlfriend – everyone knew that. The two of you were as close as one could be, so if he was a traitor, you had to be one as well, right?  They branded you the spy and avoided talking to you for months. How was that fair?

If it hadn´t been for Percy, Annabeth and Silena – who constantly comforted you, kept acting normal around you and scolded other campers who terrorized you – you would have run away a long time ago. Camp Half-Blood no longer felt like home.

Luke, your boyfriend. Luke, the traitor. It was damn hard to believe that they were the same person.

Of course you also blamed yourself. You were his girlfriend, you should have paid more attention! You knew that something was going on with him. 

You felt that he acted slightly different, even though he tried not to show it to you. He has never spoken about the gods with respect or fascination, but it was the first time that he sounded this bitter.

“They don´t care about us, Y/N” he told you while you were sitting at the shores of the lake.

“Who?” you asked, your feet dangling just inches above the cool water.

“The gods… they are cruel and selfish…they always let teens fight their battles”

In that moment you thought that he referred to the scar he got on his quest. In retrospect, he probably meant much more. Did he think of betraying the camp back then?

From that day on, you lost him more each and every day. He still spent most of his time with you, he still kissed you and made you laugh but then he also seemed so distracted, so distant.

"Dont worry, princess. I just had a bad dream", he told you every time you noted that he looked stressed.

You took his hand, softly stroking his palm with your fingers. "You know you can talk to me about it"

He just smiled, wrapping his arms around you and burying his face in your neck. "I know, my love"

Before, he has never avoided these topics. You remember feeling like you couldn't get to him anymore. And then – suddenly he was gone. Disappeared without a word.

The first time you saw him again was roughly three months later. He was lying in wait for you when you were just leaving the camp to visit your mother. He jumped out of the shadows and grabbed your arm, nearly giving you a heart attack.

At first you were afraid. Afraid of the boy you had loved with all your heart – and probably still did.

But he didn´t come to hurt you, instead he tried to convince you to run away with him, to join Kronos with him. He tried more than once – to be honest you lost count of how many times he tried – but every time you rejected him.

The gods aren´t perfect, but fighting against them is not the right way to go. Doing so would cause the exact opposite of what he actually wants to achieve.

You could clearly remember the last time he spoke to you, maybe five or six months ago.

“Y/N, please! I love you! Take my hand, come with me! You know that I fight for the right thing!”

Now you stand in front of him again. Well… you´re not sure if that even was Luke anymore. How much control does Kronos have over him?

Slowly he turns towards you. “Y/N” Luke´s voice is shaking. He seems to be fighting an internal battle, which Kronos wins.

As Percy and Annabeth start talking to him and trying to talk sense into him, you just stand there, petrified, not knowing what to say. Were there even words to say in such a situation? If yes, then Kronos doesn´t give you the time to speak them.

He attacks and the three of you give your best to keep him at bay. In the meantime Grover plays the flute, trying his best to support you.

You clutch your sword. For the first time in your life you truly hate fighting. You are as brilliant and intimidating as usual – of course you are – but still you hate fighting against the boy who once owned your heart. With every blow and every stab you are afraid of hurting him.

Maybe you are too soft to be the daughter of Ares. Would he understand or would he be disappointed?

During the fight Annabeth constantly tries to talk to Luke/Kronos. About Thalia, about their time before camp. Sometimes one might think that a small glimpse of Luke shines through.

A firm blow hits Annabeth and throws her across the room. She was lucky that it was only Kronos´ arm and not his blade. She could have been dead in a second.

“Luke” she tries to speak, but she almost can't get a sound out.

“Annabeth”, you shout, as you understand what she is trying to do. Her grey eyes search for yours, begging you silently. You give her a reassuring nod. Truly, a brilliant girl.

You gather all your strength and step forward. “Luke! Luke, can you hear me? I know, you´re still there.”

Kronos freezes and watches you, giving Percy the chance to scurry over to Annabeth.

Trying to suppress the tears that well, you force yourself to smile. You try to remember all the beautiful moments that you and Luke shared. Holding hands while walking around camp, watching the sunsets while enjoying some snacks, gentle kisses while sitting around the campfire.

You don´t want to believe that this Luke was gone. He has to still be there, somewhere underneath the monster that Kronos created.

“Do you remember my birthday?”, you ask him, while watching him intensively to see whether that triggers a reaction in him. “A few days before, I had told you about the chocolate chip muffins that my grandma used to make. You baked them for me, remember? And on my birthday you came to wake me up really really early in the morning. Clarisse almost murdered you for throwing pebbles on the cabin window, remember?”

You chuckle as you figuratively see your sisters face in front of you. Gods, on that day even you were afraid of her.

“You wanted to watch the sunrise together, remember? At our spot.” You search for a sign, for any sign, that Luke hears you. That he is still there. “The spot where you first kissed me. Do you remember that? The shore of the lake.”

Kronos´ expression changes. “Y/N”

Luke! Your heart skips a beat as you hear his voice. Is it enough? Have you gotten through to him?

He stumbles towards you, trying to suppress Kronos for at least a few seconds.

“Do you remember the gift you gave me?” You ask, your voice now lively, excited even.

Slowly Luke nods. “The silver bracelet with the forever symbol.”

“Exactly!” You laugh out, the first tears streaming down your face. “You want to see it?”

Luke´s eyes widen. “You still have it? You… you kept it, even though I…”

“Of course I kept it.” You roll up your sleeve and show it to him. You thought about throwing it away a few times, but you never had the heart to do it.

Maybe you kept it as a reminder that the time with Luke was real, maybe because something deep inside you hoped that one day you would wake up from this nightmare and find out that all of this was just a dream. A really bad dream.

Luke looks at you, frowning deeply. You notice how hard he tries to not let Kronos break through. How much longer can he keep this up? A few seconds? One minute?

"Do you still love me?”, he finally manages to say.

You look at him. His eyes. His beautiful eyes. “Yes, I always did.”

“Enough!” Kronos´ voice echoed across the room. Luke lost control. Something dark hisses through the air and shortly afterwards you feel a sharp pain shooting through your body.

At first you don´t realize what happened, you only hear Annabeth and Percy scream. Then your legs give away and you fall to the ground. Blood. On your hands, on your shirt.

The sound of clashing weapons. Annabeth and Percy have thrown themselves back into the fray in an attempt to push Kronos away from you. They scream Luke´s name, trying to help him get control again.

The image blurs before your eyes. The wound is too deep. Too much blood.

“Y/N!” Luke. He managed to suppress Kronos. Hopefully longer than a few seconds.

Annabeth and Percy look at you, tears streaming down their faces. They hesitate, not wanting to come too close as they want to give you and Luke some privacy. Nevertheless they stand ready if Kronos takes over again. 

Immediately Luke hurries over to you and falls down on his knees beside you.

It became more and more exhausting to keep your eyes open. “Luke” you manage to whisper, your voice breaking.

“I´m here.” His voice is as soft as you remember it. As soft as it was on the day he told you he loved you for the first time.

You try to lift your hand, but you don´t have the strength to do so.

“Please don´t die”, he whispers as he slowly starts stroking your hair. He keeps repeating his words, begging you, begging the gods, begging Kronos.

You blink and try your best to smile. However, due to the pain that rushes through your body, it becomes more of a grimace.

“I love you, Y/N”, Luke tells you, unable to hold back his tears, “Please forgive me”

And as you close your eyes you can feel his lips softly kissing yours.

Faith. Even though all these years he has made the worst decisions one can ever make, you're sure he's finally going to do the right thing.

#percy jackson #luke castellan x you #luke castellan x reader #luke castellan #daughter of ares #traitor #percy jackson series

[humanitys-strongest-bamf]

levi drabble? no. 12 please <3 ooh but flip the tables, its levi saying it or dont- okay i cannot decide-

I LOVE THIS???????

also i hope i characterized him okay enough lol. i'm writing this at work in between clients soooo

come torture me with this drabble challenge!

#12: "i wish you wanted me"

Want | Canonverse Fluff Oneshot

✧ word count ➼ 1k ✧ notes ➼ canonverse, captain!reader, mutual pining, this accidentally turned into a oneshot lol

"Captain? Captain, your orders?"

The scout's voice seemed muffled. All of Levi's senses seemed muffled. His gaze was only fixated on one side of the forest, desperately trying to pick up any visual or auditory cues.

"Captain?"

Levi finally got dragged back into reality with that third prompt from his subordinate. Having been fixated on only one thing, anything discussed within the past 5 minutes had been completely disregarded.

"What?"

"Your orders? There are Titans approaching from the left and right flanks," the scout said nervously.

It wasn't like Levi to be this scatter-brained. He always knew what it was that he had to do and he most certainly never missed out on vital information that was being told directly to him. He was overly distracted and it was affecting his ability on the field.

You were currently fighting on the left flank. Another newer squad was fighting on the right. He knew which side he had to go to for reinforcements.

He desperately wanted to go to yours. He wanted to make sure you were safe. He knew it wasn't anything other than a foolish, selfish emotional whim. You were more than capable of taking care of yourself and your squad. Strategically, he had to go to the right flank to maximize their chances of survival.

After clearing out the Titans, the Survey Corps formed a small fortified camp to rest and patch up any wounded before continuing the expedition.

You were currently in front of a campfire with your cloak and uniform jacket thrown off to the side. The only thing you kept wearing was the tank top that was usually underneath your uniform. The only reason for this was to expose your right bicep, which had gotten deeply scratched during your battle fending off the Titans. You had spent the last hour having Levi patch it up after he noticed you struggling to do it on your own.

He was awkwardly quiet the entire time, as if something was deeply on his mind.

"Did your squad do any better?" you asked, breaking the silence.

He grunted. "Not really, but at least no one died."

Simply being able to come out of an expedition without anyone dying was a miracle. Although no one on your squad died either, it was primarily because you had to go in multiple times to save them yourself. It probably would've been more efficient if you went in alone.

"You should really re-evaluate your squad," Levi said bluntly.

Your eyebrows scrunched together as you scowled at him.

"Don't be so arrogant," you scolded. "Not everyone has the advantage of your bloodline."

"Tch," he responded in irritation. Every single time someone attributed his capabilities to his Ackerman heritage made him want to punch something.

"It's not that," he said, matching your tone. "My squad doesn't need me to constantly risk my own ass to save them."

You rolled your eyes.

"Well, good for you, Levi. I'm glad that you're satisfied with your subordinates," you said dryly. "Can you quit being dissatisfied with mine?"

He let your arm go and set the bandages off to the side, irritated by your unexpected commentary.

"I'm not joking around, _____. You shouldn't have to be constantly risking your life out there because of your subordinate's mistakes."

You groaned and slightly pushed him away now that he was no longer treating your arm.

"Why the hell do you even care so much?"

Deep down, you knew. Deep down, he knew. It was quite a while ago, but you both could recall a time in which you two were dancing around the concept of romantic feelings for each other.

Of course, it never progressed to anything. It wasn't appropriate and you didn't want to start a scandal. He was still your superior at the time.

Levi parted his lips to speak, but it took a few seconds for any words to come out.

"I can't stop thinking about you when you're on the field," he said quietly. "And it's a pain in the ass to not be able to focus."

You blinked at him, confused as to where he was going with his comments.

"Why?" you asked. "Am I doing something wrong? I'm not your subordinate anymore, remember?"

He exhaled in almost what seemed like a defeated fashion as he looked away.

"I just," he said with his voice barely audible, pausing as if he was unsure if he should mutter the words that were about to come out of his mouth.

"I wish you wanted me."

Your eyes widened as those deeply buried thoughts and feelings were brought to the surface. You had assumed that he had moved on. After all, it has been some time that you had been promoted to a Captain yourself, yet it was never brought up.

You looked down and shuffled a bit, adjusting your position to be a bit more comfortable.

Finally, you looked up at him, seeing that he was now glancing at you too.

"Who says I don't?" you said quietly before shooting him a small smile.

You saw a sight that you never thought you'd see.

Levi Ackerman was paralyzed. He looked like he couldn't move. He looked like even if you reached out and pushed him off the seat that he'd remain unmoving.

Levi was not expecting your response. He had continuously told himself that you weren't interested and that anything resembling a confession would be a waste of time and would only bring him shame. He wasn't expecting anything good to come out of it.

"I'd be lying if I said that I never thought about how much I want you to want me too," you said, shifting a bit closer to him, placing your hand on his.

Feeling your touch oriented him back to reality as he looked into your eyes. He didn't know how to process this. He had held onto that feeling of rejection, telling himself that he never wanted to feel that way again and that he wouldn't put himself in that position again.

He never expected anything good to come out of those words that he had muttered—but it did, giving him something new, fresh, and hopeful to hold onto.

A/N: this is the pouty face i imagine him making as he says the line ;aljf;alksdf he's so cute i can't

#drabble challenge #kats oneshots #levi ackerman #levi ackermann #levi heichou #levi x reader #kats levi fluff #levi ackerman x reader #levi heichou x reader #levi ackermann x reader #aot reader insert #levi x you #levi ackerman x you #levi ackermann x you #levi heichou x you #levi fluff

[cumscrotesailboat]

I finished Citrus, the "infamous" GL that i keep hearing about and as far as i've seen, its only the anime thats insanely weird. The manga is super different from the anime adaptation. There's a lot to critique with this series BUT the argument i hear saying that it caters primarily to men is not quite accurate. It was made by a sapphic woman, of which the story was inspired by a real experience she had, published by a company that caters to QUEER women. It certainly wasn't made with men in mind.

(Also, spoiler at the bottom if you have plans on reading it)

With that out of the way, the "incest" subplot of the series felt like it had little significance to the narrative of the story. The only time it was being mentioned was the Blonde MC's inner dialogue about how she can't possibly be with the Black haired MC because they're sister and that's it. At the end, their parents agreed to not get married so the two can legally be married. There was no push back on the parents or anyone they knew, it was just there. I can't tell what the author's purpose with it is. In another wlw series i read, the incest subplot was there to shut down the argument "If same-sex love is ok, then that should mean incest love is ok too bcs it doesnt affect anyone right?", but in here I can't be sure if its for drama or if its for the "spicy forbidden love awoogawooga" japanese anime fans seem to love. Personally, i think its the former. It's drama but very weak drama. I don't wanna write off the latter that fast either. Sapphic women can get weird with incest fantasies too. I personally am not into it bcs its incest, crazy take i know, but sure ig? This one I don't really care since it had such little effect on the narrative that you can just ignore it or even delude yourself with thinking it wasn't there at all and your understanding of the series would still be fine.

For the sexual assaults in the early chapters. I dont fucking know man, why did she do that? I mean, we know why, she was trying to push the Blonde MC away as seen in the letter but uhh.. 🤷🤷🤷? Sexual misconducts, harrassment, and assault just makes me feel uncomfortable so this is the one I dont like with the series at all. To give meaning to it (just bcs i dont wanna gloss over it that fast), the black haired MC did that as an impulsive act of selfishness, isolation, and fear of companionship. Early chapters has her shown as shackled by her family's legacy so she was cold and also fucked up.

Another thing are the supporting characters, there's this middle schooler that just fucking REEKS of trauma and the series just doesn't address that. It's so funny bcs you are 13 girl, don't talk as if you're in that grown up world you keep talking about. They're all great tho, even if they felt flat. One thing i keep noticing with nowadays consumption of literary is that every character has to be well-rounded, no it doesn't! its fine if the main cast are the only rounded ones! but yeah, that middle schooler has to be stopped. Please author, what the fuck is wrong with that kid😭☠️

Overall, its really not as bad as its reputation precedes it to be. Its weird yeah but not as weird as the majority of people say it to be. Its fluffy and drama and it definitely wasn't made for men. It's really whatever and only got its reputation bcs of that weird ass anime adaptation thats trying to cater to those freak ass "otakus". Saying that word makes me feel disgusted, jesus christ. I have mixed feelings if its a series I'd recommend bcs there are other series that are better but what i'm sure is its an okay read. I'm big to romance and drama and this series has that. It didn't make me cry but it made me feel tense and sad for the characters, and in my book thats a successful attempt at those genre.

My only gripe with it really is the unnecessary incest and SA, thats why its getting a low score for me. Everything else was fine

anw balls

#citrus #girls love #manga romance #romance manga #girlslovinggirls #gay manga #romance #shoujo anime #lgbtq #lgbtq books #yuri anime #yuri manga #yuri #yuri art #anime

[anaisnotrying]

"Have I been lied to..?"

₊ genre and tags: angst. idol au but its only mentioned once.

͟͟͞͞ pairing: idol!heeseungx gn!reader.

˚ synopsis: you and heeseung can fake a relationship, but for how long before everything blows up and feelings get hurt?

➳ warnings: angst. crying. mean hee. breaking up. sad times mainly (oops.. )

❥ wc: - 853 wors exact

˚₊ a/n: heeseung angst cuz was feeling emo srry guys 😞.

Everyone knew you and heeseung had the perfect relationship. All the qualities that were written in books and told in fairy tales. People were always so jealous of the love you had for each other. Love support care comfort admiration endearment etc etc. but that wasn't the case behind closed doors.

It always starts this way. You say something and he says the opposite leading to useless fights over nothing. You were too similar, both being close minded and only sticking to what you believed in. even when it came to someone you supposedly 'loved'. You were both so selfish.

It's the same thing over and over again. You get offended and leave, but he brings you back. he leaves and you bring him back. Always claiming " I love you and I dont want to". But, alas here you are again fighting over you can't even remember because you let your insecurities take over both of you. Again.

"God is it my fault you're always so insecure?! I'm sick of comforting you all the time. I have my own worries tooyou know. You're just so frustrating and exhausting. I hate being with you I hate you." he yells and mutters the last part. It stuns you. How can it not? After everything you've done for him. He still choose to say i hate you?

Standing there and taking in what he said, you look up at his eyes "...i love you, im sorry Im like this." you whisper while your eyes well up with tears. he's unaffected at first, he's seen it a before. you'll cry, he'll hug you and apologize and then you'll sleep on the same bed holding each other as if nothing happened.

You'll live tomorrow like nothing happened. But this time seems different. He can tell the look in your eyes shows that your mad at urself more than him. Even after he told you that you mean nothing to him and when he basically poured salt in all your wounds.

"Maybe we should just break up for good this time and i mean it."

"maybe we should just try to tell ourselves a good lie and say that we ended on good terms isn't that what you want people to know?"

"look I didn't mean to say that, but-"

"you can't take it back and say you were trying to make me understand how you feel.You always say too much and regret it after. I'm done forgiving you." you say locking eyes with him.

"you didn't mean to say I love you from the beginning either right?"

"... I'm sorry y/n."

"yeah i get it, i wouldn't wanna be with someone like me either"

"I-"

"someone like me deserves better than to be treated like this. I've done all I can to help you too. I saved you heeseung, multiple times that wasn't easy you know. I saved your friendships, your career, and I saved you from yourself too. Why am I still taking the blame after all that?"

It's better to say everything right now than holding these words in, even after you leave each other. "I never felt loved being with you. Everything that's associated with you is fake. your smile, the look in your eyes, your laugh, everything about you is just.. fake." You say with a scoff and walk towards him brushing his hair out of his eyes and holding his cheek in your hand as you always do. Always holding him so softly and gingerly. As if he's made of glass. To you he is. He always is.

His only problem other than being a selfish prick, is that he bites more than he can chew. No matter how much he promises to change and be better. He can't. He knows that he can't, and now he's done promising, which is why this is all happening.

"Admit that you're fake heeseung. That's all you'll be." you mutter and give him a pitiful look as more tears well up in your eyes blurring your vision. Blurring the tears welling up in his eyes too.

"I'm sorry." he whispers with a broken voice. He holds the hand that's on his cheek. He holds it and squeezes it showing his sincerity this time. Showing that he means it this time. but it's too late.

You pull away sighing. Taking your coat and bag, heading straight to the door. You tell urself not to look back. You know that if you look back you'll see him again, all broken and hurt, that sight that always breaks you and pulls you back to him.

"bye heeseung, I love you." you say as you open the door. You leave as if you're just going to work, as if you're just going out and that you'll come back soon enough. But now you both know that you're leaving for the last time and for good. No going back. No looking back. No taking back anything that happened .

"sorry y/n." was the last thing you heard as you closed the door behind you.

So much for 'perfect love' huh?

taglist!! :(tagging moots for now send wn ask or dm to be added to the permanent list!!) @redm4ri ꗃ @taejays ꗃ @slytherinhobi ꗃ @skz-minchan-enthusiast

#heeseung #lee heeseung #enhypen #enhypen angst #heeseung angst #angst #enhypen x reader #enhypen x gender neutral reader #enhypen x y/n #enhypen x female reader #enhypen scenarios #enhypen drabbles #enhypen fic #enhypen heeseung

[gay-dorito-dust]

I read like all your werewolf by night stuff and they were amazing. I need more jack Russell and just fell in love with him instantly. Okay enough with me rambling but if you dont mind can you write Jack with reader. And could be reader be thinking about #24 to Jack and think jack deserves better than them?

A/n: I’m very humbled that you like my werewolf by night stuff. I saw the lack of fics and decided to do something about it cuz that’s a crime to Jack Russell. So if anything I’m blessed with the ability to get to write for this character. He deserves it.🦦

Prompt list

Prompt 24- you deserve so much better then me.

‘He’s so beautiful it physically hurts.’ You thought to yourself as you looked down at Jack’s sleeping face, running your fingers through his hair as per your morning ritual, watching adoringly as his features were bathed in the soft golden glow of morning. You felt unworthy of a love as pure as Jack’s. You felt like a fraud, a fake, a deceiver of his trust even when you’ve kept his secret tightly to your chest as though it was your own.

You couldn’t pinpoint where these feelings came about but you were stuck with them either way and you had to deal with it. Never had you ever been given reason to doubt your relationship with Jack; He has been nothing less then kind, caring, attentive and overall the standard of what a romantic partner should be. You, on the other hand, only believed yourself to being selfish and taking advantage of the kindness given to you. Out of everyone Jack could’ve possibly chosen, he chose you and every day since then you’ve asked yourself why?

Why out of every possible suitor did his heart chose you? What made you special in comparison because each time you looked in a reflective surface of that a mirror or a river, you only saw boring, bland, you staring back. Your eyes didn’t hold stars within them, your smile didn’t beam brightly and you neither lighten up a whole room upon arrival nor made heads turn in your direction. You didn’t understand how Jack could look at you with unconditional love within his eyes and proudly hold your hand in his own without any ounce of shame of being seen with you. It didn’t make sense to you that someone like him could find you remotely attractive never less attractive.

Sensing that your hand had stopped stroking his hair, Jack opened a bleary eye, groaning softly, as he looked to see that your eyes were afar from reality as you were deeply lost in thought. Naturally he was less to believe something has been troubling you for awhile as he slept and he sat himself up against the headboard. “Y/n?” He said softly, knowing that by this time of day Ted was potentially making a mess out of your kitchen in an attempt of making you all tea. Another reasoning behind his choice in tone was that Jack didn’t want to alert his friend by raising his voice by raising his voice above a certain volume.Ted’s intentions towards many things were pure but due to his hulking mass of foliage and fungi, Ted was susceptible to causing accidental damage of his surroundings.

“Y/n.” Jack tired once again, this time making his voice loud enough to draw you back to the reality of your shared bedroom. “Nice to see that sleeping beauty has finally awakened.” You joked, going into press a kiss to his forehead only for him to move away, causing a twinge of pain in your chest. “Jack?” You asked, pulling away, rummaging through your head of what you had done in recent memory to earn that type of reaction. “What’s wrong?” You were worried that Jack had finally came to his sense and realised that you weren’t compatible with him and that he was going to admit in falling out of love with you. “I think I should be asking you that question,” Jack reached a hand to hold your cheek, stroking his thumb against the skin there almost reassuringly, “what’s wrong, you seem to be getting more and more lost in your thoughts nowadays. Let me help, you trust me right?”

“Of course I trust you Jack!” You cried, “I just…” your voice quietened gradually, “it’s…it’s stupid. Nothing worth you loosing sleep over.” Hurt by your hesitance to open up about your issues, Jack felt as though he wasn’t doing right by you as your partner in tackling your problems together and genuinely believed for the briefest of moments that you were falling out of love with him. “If it’s hurting you then it isn’t stupid, I’d rather lose all the sleep I could possibly get if it meant lifting the burden from your shoulders.” He says, resting his forehead against your own, closing his eyes, “when we entered a relationship together we agreed that whatever adversity we face, we face together. So let me fight by your side and rid you of your inner demons. For seeing you suffering in silence breaks my heart.” You brought your hands to hold his face, pushing your forehead against his own as you felt tears well behind your eyes.

“You deserve so much better then me Jack.” You finally admitted, not looking at him in fear of gauging his reaction, “I’m unworthy of being your friend never less your lover; Your soul is so full of light that I fear that one day I would only dampens it into extinction. I fear that one day you’d wake up and realise truth within my words and start looking elsewhere for someone who would look perfect right by your side, realise that in the end I wasn’t anything special.” Jack’s eyes seemed to shine with hurt and disbelief at your words that it only made you hate yourself even more if that was even possible. How could you dump your troubles onto the most genuine man you’ve been met, what gave you the privilege to do that to Jack? God you were so fucking selfish that you were borderline crying for reassurance that you didn’t fully deserve.

Jack didn’t want to believe what he was hearing. It felt wrong hearing such venom come from your mouth and aimed at yourself because to Jack every single word was absolutely false. The demons within your head was plaguing you and he couldn’t do anything about it. Jack knew it was near impossible for him to convey his every emotion through words, seeing as they’d only get him so far without gradually starting to sound repetitive and insincere. It frustrates him greatly that he didn’t take the signs he was seeing and piecing them together to see the full picture. How could he see so clearly yet after so blindsided.

“I don’t like it when you say things like that. To me,” Jack removed his hand from your cheek to lift your chin so that you were staring him in the eye, “you’re perfect. You truly don’t understand the extent of my feelings for you and I don’t think I do either as I find it difficult to even find the words to describe how you make me feel. In my eyes, you brighten up every room you’ve walked into, your eyes shine as though god plucked two of the brightest stars in the sky and placed them there. In my eyes, no one has a laugh as beautiful or as infectious as yours, no one has a heart as unique.” Jack placed a kiss to your cheeks, wiping away the tears there in the process as he smiled lovingly at you when he pulls away. “You wanna know why?” “Why?” You asked, desperate to know his innermost thoughts about you. However instead of words, Jack pressed a chaste kiss against your lips, pulling away just as you were about to reciprocate, “I love you so very much.”

Lost within your little moment, neither of you noticed Ted standing on the doorway of your room with two cutesy cups of tea within his significantly larger hands, not wanting to interrupt the scene before him but also not sure how to inform either of you that the tea was going to go cold.

#wbn fic #wbn fanfic #wbn x reader #wbn imagines #wbn x you #wbn imagine #werewolf by night x reader #werewolf by night x you #werewolf by night imagine #werewolf by night imagines #mcu fic #mcu fanfic #mcu x you #mcu x reader #mcu imagine #mcu imagines #marvel fanfic #marvel x you #marvel x reader #marvel imagine #marvel imagines #marvel fanfiction #marvel fic #jack russell fanfic #jack russell x you #jack russell imagine #jack russell imagines #jack russell x reader

[imvriix]

Hi!I was the one who requested the Donald fic and I was wondering if I can have the same concept with Grey and his friends??thank you♡♡♡

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𝔄𝔫𝔤𝔢𝔩 𝔉𝔞𝔠𝔢

summary ;; — them with someone who is naturally sweet and kind, yet they don't know how to act due to their oblivious nature.

featuring + contains ;; — gray yeon, alex go, ben park, gerard jin, teddy jin x sweetheart/ selfless gn! reader, ( unestablished relationship ).

a/n : tumblr is so ass, ill be writing fics or whatever and when i wanna take a break and i press to put it in drafts and save, it just fucking dissapears. im literally redoing this because tumblr didnt put my work in my drafts. + because theres a lot of characters, ill be sticking to the overall relationship rather than full oneshots.

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                 ⋆*･ﾟ:     :✧*⋆   ･ﾟ

— gray yeon

gray naturally appreciates polite people who mind their business, so its not surprising if he's fond of you.

i think he likes how real and true you are to yourself and others, your smiles always full of meaning and care instead of fear or disgust.

something else he'd like is how you're able to keep up with him, your mindsets click together perfectly.

all of this is foreign to him, so he doesn't know anything about what he's feeling for the longest time until big ben points it out and goes absolute matchmaker mode.

if he does eventually realise, i think he'd be a bit shy and avoid your gaze that little bit more out of worry he'd get lost in it.

gray can be seen as cold at times, even when he's just being normal, so when your able to talk to him normally and without thinking twice like normal friends should, he finds himself enjoying your company so much.

listening to the words and conversation starters spilling from your pretty lips, he forgets to keep his guard up. he even slips in a sarcastic comment or sly smirk of amusement every now and then.

he doesn't feel like he needs to overthink what to do or say as your conversations flow so easily.

whenever you guys are meant to have a group hangout or meet up or whatever, he ends up constantly searching for you and not relaxing his shoulders until he does. he starts staring without realising.

he can and will hog you to himself, he can't help but be a bit selfish.

it'd also take him an eternity to confess, telling himself ( and also a agitated ben ) that he's fine with the way things are at the moment.

yet you remain clueless.

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— alex go

hes such a sweetheart

i feel like he would like you the second the two of you met, i think he'd get flustered and overthink a lot around you, so he'd probably hide behind ben.

he'd also avoid being alone with you or talking to you pike his life depends on it, he can't handle actually having a conversation with you just yet.

he'd be worried about messing up or weirding you out by making things too awkward, especially because its extremely noticeable with how he looses his cool and avoids your eyes.

you'd end up forcing him to talk with you and he finds that it isn't as awkward as he thought he'd end up making it.

he actually enjoys it a lot and gets more comfortable, constantly thinking about what to talk to you about next and what to do with you.

one of the things he'd like most is how you see him for him, not as a mindless minion or fake.

i think he'd end up confessing but he'd just end up a stammering mess, but he does get his point across in one way or another through his jumble of words.

you dont even have to say much, just smile and give him a kiss and he'll be okay.

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— ben park

he'd think he made it so secret and so unknown but everyone and their mother knows that his feelings aren't only platonic.

its so obvious that it genuinely hurts, he seems to laugh more and become even louder somehow.

big bear hugs whenever you say something sweet or innocent, him giving you constant lectures on how to protect yourself — because we all know he's a gym freak —, and he's protective of you when it comes to anyone outside the friendgroup.

he's just worried you'll get roped into the union and delinquents, he can't afford to lose a friend because some power obsessed freaks couldn't mind their business.

of course, at first he wouldn't have noticed his feelings, and if he did he'd be in slight denial, " i just care about them. we have a mutual caring friendship. yeah, we just care for eachother. yeah. " he'd think, feeling smart.

but when he does sit down and thinks it out, acting like this is the hardest thing he'll ever have to think about in his life, totally concentrated and all, he just admits it to himself pretty easily.

and he makes it everyones business.

sits everyone down, — excluding you —acting all serious, " guys, i have an announcement. i like y/n. "

" wow, really? ", " never would've guessed. ", " oh god i didn't expect that. ", " ya think? " and other sarcastic comments are said.

he seems genuinely surprised everyone knew.

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— gerard jin

we all know gerards a pretty straightforward guy, so i think he'd be even more straightforward to himself.

he'd be the only one who was able to actually hide it pretty damn well, so if anyone in the group finds out, they're all actually surprised.

there isn't really a big reason he likes you, he just thinks your really cute so he kind of sticks to you.

free tarot sessions all the way

he's always worried about you, he thinks that someone may try and take advantage of you and your sweetness.

would play guitar for you and even has a few drafts/ secret songs he made about you.

he'll never show you them of course, but they're so beautiful.

he literally just lingers around you. he isnt very friendly with anyone in his class, which is why he visits yours a lot.

but anytime you look over your shoulder, he's just standing over you.

hell, you dont even have to look and you can just sense him looking over you.

personal bodyguard basically

sucker for your praise

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— teddy jin

SO STIFF

absolutely cannot keep up a conversation with you unless you give it some prodding.

hes kind of like alex in this sense.

he's so tense and awkward because he isn't used to anyone being kind to him without it just being fake and only for their own benefit.

gives you atleast one can of coke whenever you guys see eachother.

i think you would have bonded over sprite and co, he'd fall for you much more harder if you liked cats, especially the two he cared for.

you found it so cute for someone as stubborn and mischievous as teddy to be a diehard cat lover.

you guys basically adopted all the cats in the area together, feeding and caring for literally any cat you see.

can't handle you and cute cats at the same time

he really cant

you'd be like the first person he calls if co is sick, because hes lowkey panicking and running around everywhere in a frenzy since he has no clue about what to do

he recovers eventually and he repays you with coke

you ask for a kiss instead

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#gray yeon #ben park #teddy jin #gerard jin #alex go #weak hero x reader #weak hero x gender neutral reader #gray yeon x gn reader #ben park x gn reader #weak hero webtoon

[cookierunauprompts]

yo, guess who made an angst based on the “ it takes two” au? This girl, I hope you enjoy Egg tarts really poor mental state!

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Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock-

The clock within this small faerie bakery and tea shop filled the silence like a small melody, leaving the only two customers alone sitting at a table in the corner. They had two cups of peach tea, the one with the beret and nice coat took hers nice and warm, while the other with a nice traveling coat and captain style hat took theirs iced. They were sharing a small red velvet cake as well it seems. 

“ I still can’t believe I’ve actually managed to find you- er well more like actively stumble upon you.” Said butterscotch cookie while she gently swirled the tea in her cup.

“ me neither, to be honest I was pretty sure you were dead” Egg tart cookie said bluntly 

“ I can see why you thought that, the only person who knew was Shadow milk cookie. And that’s only because he accidentally found it.” Butterscotch cookie gives a brief chuckle afterwards.

Wait… he knew where she was this whole time, underneath the table Egg tarts legs start to shake slightly. Though Butterscotch didn’t notice. “ Wait, he knew where you were. When did he find out?” 

“Um don’t remember the exact dates, but it was quite a bit before their sealing.” Oh- that was just GREAT! He knew how much you missed her, she was one of the only people you really connected with!

“When he first found me it was both nice company and a bit of a hassle, he was always so… hyper? An-“ Egg tart is starting to space out at this point… why didn’t he tell you? Did he not trust you? Y-you’re his best friend!… or at least you thought you were… they start to swirl the ice within their tea, while politely nodding to Butterscotch cookies voice.

“ and than he had the audacity to kiss me!” 

“Wha- he kissed you..?”

“Yeah! And than he had the audacity to basically leave me on read for years!”

“D-do you… like him back…” Egg tart asks hesitantly 

“… yeah I think I do… wh-what should I do about it?” She asks with a nervousness in her voice

No no no no no, PLEASE! Why, WHY! The one time you gained romantic feelings for another-

Egg tart cookie gently clasps the hands of Butterscotch cookie in an comforting manner.

No, NO! Be selfish for once! For once in your pathetic life BE selfish. Give yourself a chance a shot! Yes we care about her- but you deserve happiness to! Please don’t-

She looks into her lovely brown eyes, now filled with such uncertainty. Egg tart opens her mouth and says-

DONT DO IT, PLEASE-

“I mean… why not give it a shot? I mean from what you’ve told me… it seems he might like you to”

“You really think so?”

“Yes, yes I do”…. You seethe at the new found light in her eyes…. You also scold yourself… for being so angry at her happiness.

You- you shouldn’t be so mad, she’s happy, like truly happy in what seems like a long time. Why are you getting so mad?!?!

… it’s because- it’s because she’s everything you wish you were, wish you could have. 

You know your just a mishmash of traits ripped straight from your friends. Mystic flours colors, a worse version of her light, yeah your a good mage… but never as good as Shadow milks mastery. Hell you have the yellows of golden butter, and shit worse versions of her lovely creations.

You want what she posses so badly- what they all poses. Identity, something that makes you special… wanted… loved…

They all love her… you adore her to, you know this. Otherwise you wouldn’t have bursted into tears upon seeing her again. But… you can’t help but be jealous.

… and you HATE yourself for it! God how can you be so selfish, she deserves to be happy- she was fucking putting her jam into her dolls for crying out loud, you shouldn’t be so pathetic. You should just suck it up and get over it-

“Egg tart?”

“-oh yes.” She gives Butterscotch cookie such a lovely smile. Its almost alarming how she can do that with what their actually feeling.

“ oh- sorry it just seems you were spacing out is all… are you okay?”

“ oh yeah- I mean the stress of the recent events is affecting me. But I’ll be fine!” Just keep smiling 

“ if you say so. Want the rest of my cake?”

Egg tart forces a giggle “ of course! I’ve always been one for sweets” they than take a big bite of cake “anyways anything else interesting happening to you?”

“Oh well you see-“

You nod and listen, just like always. You just need to keep yourself together. You just need to keep-

Smiling.

—————————————————————————-

*bats eyelashes like she didn’t just make her oc suffer the horrors* what chu think?

have any ideas on what I should write next, also I hope I did an ok job at writing golden butter!

see you!

AWABHAGFHAGFGBG I LOVE IT!! I think you did good at writing Goldie as well!

as for ideas to what you should write next, i'll be honest i have no idea. But keep up the good work!!

#not a prompt #Golden Butter Cookie Tag #other's writing

[butchviking]

What does "feminism can and must be compatible with trans issues" mean to you? Ive been trying to be more inclusive, but trans issues often to seem to be incompatible with feminism.

hm well that was one line of the post that i did think 'i wouldnt phrase it quite that way'. i think besides the weird-ass conservative strains of feminism that dont reflect what i consider feminism at all, feminism IS compatible with trans issues. not that "it must be" like feminists have to change what they're doing to revolve more around trans issues or anything - feminism has no obligation to fight for trans issues just like the anti-racism movement has no obligation to fight sexism and the gay rights movement has no obligation to fight for disability rights - but that those causes simply ARE compatible. classic example: the public bathroom debate. right now that's often framed like feminism and trans activism are diametrically opposed and there can be no resolution for one that doesn't contradict the needs of the other. the trans activist movement wants all public toilets to be unisex and based on gender identity instead; the feminist movement wants sex-segregation regardless of gender identity. only, most feminists i know all agree by now that just. adding a unisex/gender-neutral option is literally the obvious and best way to keep people safe. and if there's no room for adding an extra, convert all the current spaces to single-stall unisex facilities. that way literally everyone is kept safe, no-one's rights are encroached on at all and anyone who takes issue is either a predator upset that they don't have the opportunities for abuse they wanted or a selfish weirdo who only cares about how they feel abt women or trans ppl or whatever ("but thats not good enough i want to use the WOMENS room!!"/"why should we have to give up OUR space just because of the transgenders!!") rather than about the actual safety & wellbeing of both of those groups. we're made to think feminism and trans rights activism are incompatible on this, its one of the biggest talking points in conservative media bc they KNOW it gets everyone at each others throats. but theyre literally compatible theyre literally so so compatible there is no reason on this earth anyone should still be having this stupid fucking debate its such a COLOSSAL waste of all our time.

there are certain things i think some feminists could do with not being so weird about. a lot of women are still super yucked out by male gender non-conformity and a lot of them for some reason still won't even admit it even though they bang on about it aallllll the time - but oh no, that's not bc they think it's creepy and fucked up for dudes to wear dresses and makeup, they're only saying these horrible things abt it because this one dude is transgender and that means they're evil and misogynistic by default so theyre fair game! (does anyone remember - haha kidding i know u remember i know i never shut up abt it - how many women on radblr were so so weirded out and for some reason ANGERED by gerard in his little dresses & skirts. he's not even trans. in fact suddenly everyone seemed to be saying "oh yeah he's definitely going to come out as trans sometime soon 🙄 he's obviously drunk all the gender kool-aid 🙄" like shut up you literally just made that up in your head to try and justify ur anger. shut upppp.) or sometimes it's like "men shouldnt wear makeup because its mocking our oppression it's wearing our chains for fun" - it really isnt and you need to get over yourself.

there are also certain things some trans activists could do with not being so weird about. if i see one more fucking transwoman act like its her god-given right to be included in lesbian dating pools, or transman that its his god-given right to be included in gay mens dating pools, i am going to start burning things i am going to start burning so many things and people too and i am going to squidge all the organs from inside these people until all the moisture is wrung out and i am going to set those on fire too. homosexuality is fucking natural innate sex-based and NORMAL and HEALTHY and GOOD. ive seen pro-trans lesbians turn into "terfs" based on this point alone btw - they were so fucking sick of all the homophobia they became vehemently opposed to the whole movement. they began to believe that feminism, gay rights activism, and trans rights activism AREN'T compatible. i still believe they are i just think some people need to throw out the bullshit that isnt actually relevant to either cause.

#my break is over so i am forced 2 shut up. its for the best this is long i talk so much sry #ask #anonymous

[cyberas]

I’m at work, I dont have my journal so Im processing emotions through tumblr text format

I dropped a good friend. They were there for me in some of my recent darkest moments, we’ve spent a lot of good time together, but the moment they left for school our bond changed… It always felt like they used us just to talk about themselves and boost their ego. Its so weird going from them saying “I think im falling in love with you” the next morning to this shit.

theres never been a conversation about our interests or what we’re working on, but we would constantly open the floor for them to talk about their passions. We would get excited when they were excited, even though I could not give less of a fuck about WWE, just because the very fact that they were interested in it made it important to us. They never returned that kindness so I brought up, calmly and kindly, that we only ever talk about Their interests, and they should start asking about us every now and then.

We thought that would be the end of it, that night we talked about the video project we were working on, and although that was the extent of that short conversation it felt like a step forward. I feel so stupid for thinking it was a step towards anything.

Its like that conversation never happened. So one day recently I finally decided to bring up their selfishness and to not be kind about it. It seemed like they got the message more clearly, and we scheduled to call on a day when they were free.

They never called.

I simply texted them “The jokes write themselves” and moved on with my day. The next day they apologized with another excuse, and I said “Take care of yourself” and moved on.

I sent them the video we worked on and uploaded and for the first time in…a while, they actually seemed interested in our interests.

But Im not making the same mistake. I know that wont last. I wish them the best but I want the best for myself more.

Sick of living in the brain of a hopeless romantic.

#system vent #star.txt

[hsgdjshs]

@k1r0sl1mb0 just read this entire thing.

This is pre typed message

Please, read the entirety.

since you have me blocked everywhere i think the most logical and.. really the only way to do this is on a empty acc where only you'd see it. im going to be brutal here, so sincerely, i want you to read it.

Notes.

8/30/23

Recently the cards seem don't really make much sense. Everything seems fine, i don't understand what it's trying to tell me.

its like, a bunch of happy cards like the 10 of cups keep coming out but after all of those suddenly theres the 3 of swords. i dont get it.

maybe im not good at these right now"

9/11/23

I have this weird ass looming feeling like somethings gonna go wrong but nothing seems off

Im scared i dont understand why i feel like this, everything seems okay"

9/24/23

"i cant shake this feeling tonight.

i hate this feeling.

i wish it'd stop.

i hate this

i cant take this right now

ive been this way for hours and i never fucking asked for this."

9/29/23

"i feel so sick fuck theres something wrong but i dont know what and im scared

something feels so off. somethings about to happen again im scared its the same times as last year and shes been so distant its like she isnt telling me something im so confused

am i doing something wrong?"

That was prior to everything. I knew for longer than I want to admit I did. I knew it was coming.

I wanna show you one more note though. Im going to edit it a bit ofc, but you see my point.

10/10/23

"i really hope one day you'll fall in love with me and just me alone, im tired of being the boy who's like him.

i wanna be the one you love

i want you to fall in love with me, all of me, all the fucked up bits of me just me not the pieces of him you can find in me.

i just want your love.

i wanna be loved how i love you

i want you to want to gently hold me and care for me and tell me that you love me and to just do what i do for you.

i wanna be able to cry to you and be comforted be told its okay have my cries responded to when i need you

i want to be cared for so badly

i want you to care when im not okay i want you to be there to calm me to even me out please

i want you to still care when things go wrong i wanna feel like you care but even if i was about to try to commit suicide you wouldnt be there because i cant die.

i really wish you'd care for me the way you probably cared about him."

It felt like that for ages. I mean like, actual fucking ages.

This is me being vulnerable with you, properly.

Anyways, moving on. I figured using some notes would help me talk about this. I really hope you're reading this, because I typed this on 10/25/23, but I plan on scheduling this to send in.. several months actually. I just need to let it out yk? To be honest, you said you're self aware but you aren't.

A relationship means caring for the other person involved too, and to be absolutely brutal? You never gave a shit about me. If you did you sure didn't show it. I was never once a top priority to you, hell I suspected you must be cheating a few times and I WAS HALFASS RIGHT. You did like someone else, intuition never lies. I feel like I deserved better to be honest. I always gave you everything, I bought you things and sent you paragraphs, I have a box full of love letters and I've done countless amounts of spellwork in the name of protecting you, but I never got anything in return for it. Nothing at all. Im calling you selfish, Robyn. You're genuinely so selfish that I don't know how you haven't noticed it yourself. Oh i'm dying?? No matter! I'll be fine!! Its like that is what goes through your head. Its like, no matter what was happening it never mattered. You never seemed to give a shit unless my life was on the line and even then? Rare that you'd even respond. When i'm doing bad its a hassle to even get a hug. I was always there for you every second, if something was the matter with you I prioritized trying to stay with you until everything was okay. I loved you. I made sure you always knew I loved you, I told you all about it constantly. I did so much for you, I even saved $300 in hopes I would get to travel to see you once I hit 18.

I did everything for you. I was dedicated, I was genuinely ready to give you my life.

But i'm speaking in past tense.

Sometimes, I think you never even actually were in love with me, but just the shadow of Shiloh that I had. I know I'm similar, I know thats what you saw in me originally. Whenever I asked you what you loved about me you couldn't even tell me, yet I had a 50 bullet point long list of all these small things I adored about you. It was insane how unreciprocated it was, yet I desperately tried to get the validation of being loved by you. I tried and I tried, constantly, I thought "If I keep trying, she'll give me something! She says she loves me so maybe if I do this or this she'll give me a little bit of affection." I thought like that, every day. Like some fucking neglected dog waiting for their owner to feed them for the first time in weeks. You wanna know what I find even funnier though? The fact that the little bit of affection I got was a "💖" reaction to my essay about loving you. That, was what I was so fucking excited for. You warped me that bad mentally. I actually hit a point where I thought, that a fucking heart reaction was proper reciprocation of my feelings.

Another point I would like to make is that in this last run, You literally could care less about my emotional wellbeing. "Ask Apollo" what if I wanted my LITERAL GIRLFRIEND who's supposed to be there for me to comfort me? What if, maybe, just maybe, I wanted you to just simply say the words "It'll be okay, don't worry" to me? That's all I have ever wanted from you. I was never seeking advice, or validation, or anything else. I was literally just seeking comfort and to be listened to.

Out of the relationship, I still sought for comfort in you. I didn't know better. I had nobody else. So I would spend my nights crying to you, not in hopes for you to fix it but in hopes that you would listen, that you'd hug me and tell me that I was going to be okay. That you'd prove you cared about me and still loved me in any way at all.

You never responded so I kept doing it because I wanted that comfort.

This is where the emotional numbness wears down a bit. The 23rd, you know when you left. Don't take this as guilt tripping but I am gonna give a quick rundown of why the way you executed that makes you a fucking asshole. One of my best friends? Left me. Another one of my best friends? Contemplating suicide!! (They did attempt, ended up in a ward.) And then on top of all of that? THAT is when you choose to drop the bomb on me!! Yes, call me out, but NO don't do it when i'm under that kind of stress. I don't know if the mental basic skills weren't working or if you're that fucking selfish, but that is not a good time to just yk, leave!! It really isn't. Like seriously. "Oh you're at peak mental worst? Yeah sorry bro let me just leave you alone to your own demise and do the one thing that I know will drive you insane, gotta help you out here."

And look I get it, I hate myself too I know, but that was just foul. It was genuinely such a shitty thing to do and I don't care if you were being told by deities to cut communication you could've waited a day or hell, had a real conversation with me!! Gone "Hey August, we need to talk" YOU COULD'VE TALKED TO ME. But no. No that isn't right to you now is it? You ran away again basically. I can guarantee this would've hurt x10 LESS bad if you just simply went and asked me to talk and then explained all of that. In a conversation, like a actual fucking interaction. You could've said you needed some time away, told me we need to cut communication, and let me have a proper goodbye to you.

You're one of the most selfish, cruel people I have ever known and if that doesn't make you self aware I really don't know what does. I knew that you were selfish and cold and still found so much to love anyways, yet you never had enough decency to be kind to me. You never were able to just, return the favor of treating me nicely and letting me speak the final words I wanted to.

I hate you. I really wanna say it. I fucking hate you.

But its not true. I'm mentally wired not to hate you almost as if static covers up those words, I wish I hated you. I really fucking wish I did.

I think you successfully did it, you know how you became emotionally so closed off? I think that a new yet timeless cycle happened, and its that I am unable to trust anyone ever again. Everyone is a liar, especially you. I won't show emotions because it will always always ALWAYS result in me being alone.

You must be happy with making me just like you were, i'm sure its why we're bonded the way we are. Must've been inevitable. I wonder if you're feeling what I feel as I am typing this.

I wish that the next words i'm about to say were a lie, but they aren't.

I love you.

[gavinsmg24]

I’m going to skim respond bcuz there was a lot but really it’s just me responding but I may not hit every thing. Anyways! I read everything and I’ll try to respond as I scroll thru what you said. Mainly to start. Yoh talked about what happened recently. Where you cleaned bong and he got upset even tho you did it bcuz you were waiting. How can everything be a problem. Lkke you said. All he had to do if he truly wanted your company was find you and say join me babe. But instead he’s like. You should’ve already been here? Like what’s uo his ass. I dont get treating people short and rude all the time. It’s exactly what you don’t deserve. Hmph. Like your right someone saying something shouldn’t affect your whole day. But when your already a depressed person and your partner is giving you little care or thought then it makes sense how you feel! Maybe you should be less sensitive? But no he needs to be like 2x more thoughtful about emotions. I mean! Whether he thinks it’s dumb or not he’s your partner. Either adapt or work with it. Don’t just get mad or cause problems for no reason. He makes it seem like you cause problems. But really he’s causing problems but it’s not problems to him bcuz it’s not affecting him it affects you. So when you (as a healthy relationship should be) try to talk to him and he’s like. This shouldn’t be a problem that’s fucked!

And it’s like gifts aren’t required but I’m sure you wouldn’t be saying that If he complimented or made time to hang out. Like. Since you moved with him. He should be trying to take you out with his friends or coworkers. Not really but like. For me. Even if the boys didn’t want to hang. I’d try to at least have us all do stuff every once and a while idk. Like it shouldn’t be that way but it’s real life sims! We like interaction and groups!

And yeah that’s what sucks. When people barely congratulate but always judge harshly when things are wrong. That is frustrating grr. I hope you find another job soon princess. Maybe one that’s from home again or a job that’s easily transferable? I just mean that for a worst. Case. If you ever wanted to go elseware that way you’d at least have a job. Anyways. That’s hypothetical and far away. I just want you to have your own cushions to fall back onto if you ever need to.

I just.. I hate how manipulative and toxic masculinity sounding he is.. Im sorry I know I shouldnt say but like. Barely talking to you or secluding self. Like. Alone time is one thing but like cmon! Live in same house interact! I know you do but just off of what you say. Like. Talk when you have nothing to say?! That’s small talk! To fill silence and he says he doesn’t have anything to say? Then shut uo and listen to your rambles! I’d listen to gibberish rather than silence tf. Grr I’m sorry getting riled trying not to.

Why does it matter where you watch stuff! Like if he wasn’t using office who cares! You say he eats fruit and watches YouTube alone. Why can’t you! If he’s not gonna make you smile fuck off! Rawr!

Princess this is the thing I’ve wanted you to always understand and I’m saying this bcuz you said “am I crazy” no! Your not. Everything you’ve written and shared. If any unbiased parted read this would feel the same (someone with our care and morals) like it’s almost your bday and he’s still treating you normal. Like no one’s needs a birth week but cmon. Like oooh babyyyy almost bday. Any things you wanna do? Plans? Maybe he’ll surprise you but idk. You could tell yourself it’s selfish to want gifts but it’s not. It doesn’t have to be a diamond ring. I’d get you those lil toys we used to get (not really but getting that over nothing or something with no thought is different than just getting something expensive. I wish I could go to the mall with you. Give you a price limit and spoil you for a day. Or ask for ideas and wrap them and wake you with breakfast n gifts

Like. Obviously we dated early and younger. And our living arrangements were all over the place. But I just can’t believe how much home work you do. Like. Old timey woman cooks n cleans and he still finds ways to get upset. Grr. If I came home and didn’t have to worry about cleaning I’d be so at peace. Like living with me n 2 bois! Always dishes and I’m doing them the most! (I use the most but still! They use stuff too!)

And back to the locked door and tasks. Like. Cmon. Your partners. No one should be. Punishing anyone. Your not dealing with kids. You talk out problems. Not yell or put down. Yelling happens. But this isn’t normal arguments. This is mind games and lack of care. Not really.. I should stop. I dont want to sway your mind. I’m just responding to what you say. I want you to know your thoughts are valid. Not crazy. Your smart and kind. But to get this to the end. Like what! He forgets his own tasks so it’s like oh you could’ve forgot that. Or if you forgot then he’d notice. Punk 😤 hypocrite. Narcissist, more. Rawr!

Anyways this responds to the longer cont. 1 n 2 next will be most recent. You’re strong and brave. I hope you can find a path that leads you to fun and relaxation soon

[its-a-hil]

extremely long poem-like excerpt from my diary last may under the read more you should definitely just scroll past it

gonna go to bed now.

i read all of my diary entries from junior year

i am so fucking annoyed by past sahil like god she just… doesn't know so many things about herself i want to give her such a big hug fuck

also stuff with <friend name redacted> and <friend name redacted> and all of that and it's just … really melancholic

also also apparently google decided it's time to just reset all of my google accounts in firefox?????????? very confused ugh

i need to go to sleep

and i need to tell her everything not just bc it would directly improve present me's quality of life, but bc i i want her life to be better i want her to go on e so much earlier fuck please i want her to not be broken i want me to not be broken i want this all to work i want my heart to be functional i want someone to rest their head on my chest and vice versa i want to not have all of this fucking hair on my body i want to never have to worry about what time it is i want to be warm im so cold my head feels stuffy i need to sleep

i know it's never productive to imagine the effect of a single change on my life but but what if i knew what if i watched eva and someone told me shinji was trans codded (assuming i even kin her at all) what if bna was out by that time or if i had played bandori and saw so much of myself in aya and hina and maya or if i had watched monogatari or if i had considered the reasons why i kinned shouma or if or if or if please why does everything in the past always feel so inevitable or a product of chance it's always one of those two

the only reason i watched monogatari was bc of that egoist002 channel putting klk music and also having that katanagatari amv somewhere and even then it took nearly a year for me to start monogatari and another half year to understand that gender was a thing and another two fucking years to be honest with myself god im still so mad about when dad said that he was upset that i said i was in denial when i told him i didnt want hrt like what the fuck im fucking sorry that i, a fucking 19 year old, didnt know what the fuck i was doing with regards to a subject that never made a ton of sense to me maybe transitions like that have to happen slowly because i can't do things instantaneously everything i do is always studying and convincing it looks like the end product comes out instantly, but it doesnt it takes so long i have to workshop everything and the more scared i am the longer it takes i was so scared i am so scared no that's not right im not scared im scared of a lot of other things, but not this im scared of some reactions to it but not it itself how can i be scared how can i fucking be scared of feeling like a person with agency over my life you dont fucking understand dad you either dont know how it feels to coast and hide and conceal your tears from yourself or you just dont seem to process what that means for me i hate cars i hate destinations i want to walk slowly i want to take note of every bird, every flower i want to linger in quiet moments forever i dont want to materially affect the world im too selfish for that i want to stop, and have everything else pause around me i want to watch, and think, and imagine i want to write, and teach, and study i dont want to work i dont want to drive i dont want to make money or use money i dont want to have to interact with it at all in my life why cant i just be why cant i just breathe and drink and eat and run and climb and talk to the people i care about why does everything have to be about money why does anything have to be about money i hate it its all so wrong it ruins even things that i should care about and enjoy i like messing around in spreadsheets but contextualize that as a money spreadsheet and i  will have such a mental block against opening it

where am i i feel like ive lost an important thread right trans

i want bigger breasts i want brighter hair i want to pass barrring that, i want to be unapologetically visible i want kids to see me and think of me as a monster who they have to listen to bc im their teacher i want to tell them about me i want to tell everyone about everything and listen to their everythings too im sorry

why is that it okay i actually need to fall asleep now why am i listening to prince of doom again fuck okay gn i guess bleh

#lifeblogging

[junosartsthetic]

long rant ahead containing talk of disability, anxiety, suicidal ideation, depression, medication, therapy, family issues, and weight/food. I just need to get my thoughts out somewhere and i dont have any rl friends to talk to so im throwing my problems onto yall. Apologies. Please do not think you have to read this or force yourself if you are uncomfortable. Ill probably delete later anyway. I just need to get all of my thoughts on the table in one place. 

Alright so I have a disorder called POTS, right? basically long story short my blood pressure gets all wack and causes a variety of symptoms. Now, these symptoms can come and go pretty quickly or linger for weeks or months at a time. But of course lately I’ve been feeling like shit almost every day and I hurt all the time and my body aches and head aches and its all in all just a not fun situation. Well, thats not the only shit on my list. Not only am i constantly lightheaded, dizzy, and super brain fogged all the time, but im 99% sure my anxiety meds are not working anymore. Ive been on them for a few years now and they have helped a lot but it seems like theyre not doing anything anymore. I have also been dealing with a lot of new stressors from work to school to my physical health and its also not helping my anxiety. So maybe thats why i feel like they’re not working but im not sure. of course, my depression is also kicking in because its turning winter and that means cold and dark and basically not good for my mental state. I also am on a bunch of meds on the moment to take care of different things i have so maybe the meds are interacting with each other. also, my weight and food intake have been all over the fucking place lately because these new meds im taking for my stomach issues. and now im hungry all the time but also feel sick because my heart burn is always flaring up and half the time i vomit up what i eat because of how bad it is. its just a whole mess honestly and if i seem off this is why. im trying to make appointments with my doctors to get myself better but its hard trying to work around my schedule at the moment. hopefully i get better and get past this current state im in but honestly im struggling. My grades arent the best at the moment and im also falling into the habit of sleeping way too much and staying in bed all day which is terrible for my POTS but also i cant help it because I feel like shit all the time. its just a cycle rn and i really really want to get out of it so bad. honestly i think i have bipolar depression instead of generalized depression because of the mood swings ive been having lately. it could also be med stuff or something im honestly not sure. a part of me wants to completely stop taking all of my meds to reset my body but obviously what would be terrible but also im at the point where i feel just awful all the time and want to feel better and not have all this shit wrong with me. im only 19 and yet i feel like im 90 with all of the issues i have. i cant do any of the things i want to do because i either feel too dizzy to do them or too depressed. and ive tried therapy but that didn’t help in the slightest, and in fact made it worse because she was a shit therapist, but i know people have said it helps for them but im too scared from that last experience. and i really dont have anybody to talk to about this because my family is understanding but not really supportive in the way that i need, nor do they listen when i voice my concerns. and my s/o is away in college and we dont talk much anymore. and i didnt stay in contact with any of my high school friends nor do i really have anyone in college because im too introverted to talk to anyone so i really just feel abandoned and alone at the moment. and it sucks. and ive resorted to pushing my problems on the internet in a selfish attempt to, idk. get sympathy? maybe magically get cured from my issues with words? i honestly dont know. i just dont really know what else to do at the moment. i feel trapped in my own body. and it sucks. and i dont want anyone to take this like im suicidal because im not. i was at one point but thats not what i want for myself now. I have pets to take care of. and lord knows my family wouldnt care about my reptiles if i wasnt here to take care of them. im just stuck in a rut. thats all. and i dont really know what to do about it. so long story short im hanging in there and tumblr is one of the few places i honestly get happiness from. so thank yall for being here because i appreciate it. but if i dont post often or spam or basically do anything thats out of the ordinary its because im trying to work through shit atm. so yeah. that’s about it.  

:)

#rant #vent #venting #ranting #about me #life stuff #stuff #anxiety #depression #disabilities #medication

[unkokurt]

I dont know if you will ever see this, and frankly I dont care at this point I just need to get this shit off my chest. I can honestly say that I wish i never met you. I wish I never sent you that message telling you how i really felt after all these years. I shouldve left you unhappy and alone with Devonte. All I got was a girlfriend who neglected my needs and still expected me to meet hers regardless of how she treated me! A girlfriend who didnt take anything i said or felt into consideration. A girlfriend who only put herself first and never cared how it affected me or our relationship, a girlfriend who always played the victim and runs back home when anything goes wrong even if her actions caused it! A girlfriend who was mentally and physically abusive. When i said i deserved better i meant that shit whole heartedly. I repeatedly told you what was bothering me and what needed to change and yet you made no effort at all to fix those things. I guess you feel as if you dont need to do any work on yourself and thats fine, but im good on that bullshit. You gave me crumbs and expected so much in return. You didnt even give the bare minimum literally time, and support! I shouldnt have had to ask for these things to begin with!

I want you to know I didnt leave because of money, it may have been a part of the issue but its far from the main reason I left. I left because you were a bad partner and girlfriend. You were selfish as fuck and just told me what i wanted to hear rather than genuinely fixing the issue, my needs never were a priority. It took what 2 years and a handful of fights and break ups for you to start making time for me? Yet any time you had you’d go spend with friends instead because “we lived together”. Then when id be irritated about it you’d try and make it seem as if i was jealous you had friends! Like nah i was irritated because you never made time for me but will make time for just about anybody else! Why i waited that long for quality time with you is beyond me! All the while supporting us while you finished college! Then the moment you could actually help out. You leave me to fend for myself yet again! Not like id been asking for some financial support for a year and a half +. Your response everytime was “but what about MY savings” like im not paying 4k a month in bills because of you and your fucking “needs”! Then you have the nerve to call me fucking selfish! The funniest part is when you told me “if you had this opportunity you wouldnt take it?” To be real with you, if it meant leaving you to fend for yourself knowing full well you were struggling I wouldnt. But thats why me and you arent the same. I wouldnt make my partners life harder just for some financial gain but i guess thats just me being selfish huh? And honestly you telling me youd do anything to make it work between living with me and your grandmas just to literally do nothing and tell me im on my own was total bullshit. I shouldve just broke things off months ago like i planned. Idk why i listened to you when you said youd do anything because i knew damn well you were lying!

You make me out to be such a bad person and you make all these post on tumblr like “get you somebody whos in the mood for you everyday” guess what I was in the mood for you everyday. I wanted to marry you and have a family the whole 9 yards. But you PUSHED me away and made me resent and hate you. Its wild how you sit there pretending to be a victim in all of this when you literally left me to figure shit out on my own for the fucking millionth time! Like you really thought i wasnt gonna get sick of your shit? You fucked me over and acted like it wasnt a big deal because you were playing savior to your family. That was the final straw for me. You constantly putting EVERYTHING before me, and our relationship. I never wanted to walk away but you left me no choice. You showed me your true colors time and time again, Id have to be a fucking idiot to keep letting you do this shit to me! I just want closure and to move on with my life after spending 10 years wasted on some fantasy relationship that was shit both times around! Same bullshit just 10 years apart. Id say i wish you the best but id be lying. I hope the day you decide to put your all into somebody they break your fucking heart like you did mine! I hope you learn what it feels like to put somebody first just for them to put you last when it really matters. I hope they walk out on you every time you make them upset! I hope you wake up one day and regret ever treating me this way and you have to live with that for the rest of your fucking life! Itll be no surprise to me if none of your future relationships work out if you continue to treat your significant others this way. Nobody wants to be neglected and treated like their replaceable.

[moveslikejaggeria]

i hope the porn bots that follow me enjoy my little self indulgent tirades

i deactivated my instagram accounts the same night i made my last post. i deleted the discord app. why, you might ask yourself, and the answer is just…selfishness i guess. i got tired of the opportunity of people reaching out to me and just, not, so i closed the door entirely. makes it easier that way.

originally i thought i was going to die so returning didnt matter but here i am now, two weeks(-ish) later, still alive. then i thought i’ll watch avatar, and then i’ll reopen the account. except life really isnt that kind.

one of my coworkers—my ultimate favorite—asked me if i had gotten a mole on my face tested. i was confused, because i monitor my moles pretty closely; theyre scary and skin cancer runs in my family. i went home and spent the rest of the day taking pictures and looking in the mirror and poking and prodding and ultimately i was scared. its in my hairline, so i couldnt see it too well. i knew it was there but since i was relying solely on the sense of touch, it didnt seem that bad. its huge. and dark. and also white in some places. not good signs.

i dont like moles. in fact, i hate them. i hate what they represent, how they scare me, and how i cant just pick em off. i had one removed for cosmetic reasons way way back (it returned prepre cancerous, so nothing to worry about, but…not Great) but of course theyve returned with a vengeance and completely covered my body. luckily i got in with a dermatologist so theyll take a look at it and maybe take some of it for testing and hopefully they’ll look at the rest of my body and then look me in the eyes and say “you have nothing to worry about. you are healthy” but like that’ll help calm any nerves.

speaking of cancer, my mom has been updating me on my grandfather since she casually announced he has prostate cancer. i know different people deal with these things in different ways but it just feels so jarring to go from “how are you” to “oh just by the way, theyre testing to see if the cancer spread to his bones” or “we’re getting the whole family together next week bc we dont know if we’ll ever get to truly be together ever again so you should request off work on those days”. im worried about him. im (selfishly worried ~i~ have cancer)

so i delayed my return to social media even though i finished avatar bc i just dont know if i can go out on internet public and pretend that everything is okay. nothing has been okay for three years. im dealing with financial independence from my parents, my rapidly declining health, the loneliness of being away from my friends at school, and crushing mental illness. my mom keeps saying she did it—everyone had to go through this at some point: multiple minimum wage jobs and the stress of school, but she (and a lot of others) didnt have to deal with eating disorders. with a body that doesn’t cooperate. stress excema, stress vomiting, AND stress headaches/migraines.

have i talked about how much monkey pox scares me? im constantly itchy (dry skin) and my brain goes: you have monkey pox. you have it. every pimple is dissected and pinched until im like “okay. fine”. ive stopped wearing my mask at work and honestly its made me give up on covid. props to me for holding out for two plus years, but i cant do it anymore. not when absolutely no one cares. theres a new disease in town, covid, move out the way.