#i feel very stupid bc of it

[inkskinned]

you're in the habit of denying yourself things.

if someone asked you directly, you would say that you love a little treat. you like iced coffee and getting the cookie. you drink juice out of a fancy cup sometimes, and often do use your candles until they gutter out helplessly.

but you hesitate about buying the 20 dollar hand mixer because, like. you could just use your arms. you weren't raised rich. you don't get to just spend the 20 dollars (remember when that could cover lunch?), at least - you don't spend that without agonizing over it first, trying to figure out the cost-benefits like you are defending yourself in front of a jury. yes, this rice cooker could seriously help you. but you do know how to make stovetop rice and it really isn't that hard. how many pies or brownies would you actually make, in order to make that hand mixer worthwhile?

what's wild is that if the money was for a friend, it would already be spent. you'd fork over 40 without blinking an eye, just to make them happy. the difference is that it's for you, so you need to justify it.

and it sneaks in. you ration yourself without meaning to - you don't finish the pint of ice cream, even though you want to. the next time you go to the store, you say ah, i really shouldn't, and then you walk away. you save little bits of your precious things - just in case. sometimes you even go so far as putting that one thing in your shopping cart. and then just leaving it there, because maybe-one-day, but not right now, there's other stuff going on.

you do self-care, of course. but you don't do it more than like, 3 days in a row. after that it just feels a little bit over-the-edge. like. you can't live in decadence, the economy is so bad right now, kid.

so you don't buy the rice cooker. you can-and-will spend the time over the stove. you can withstand the little sorrows. denial and discipline are practically synonyms. and you're not spoiled.

it's just - it's not always a rice cooker. sometimes it is a person or a job or a hug. sometimes it is asking for help. sometimes it is the summer and your college degree. sometimes it is looking down at scabbed knees and feeling a strange kind of falling, like you can't even recognize the girl you used to be. sometimes it is your handprint looking unsteady.

sometimes it is tuesday, and you didn't get fired, and you want to celebrate. but what is it you like, even? you search around your little heart and come up empty. you're so used to denying that all your desires draw a blank.

oh fuck. see, this is the perfect opportunity. if you had a mixer, you'd make a cake.

#warm up #this isn't good #writeblr #this is complicated by the fact i can't stand up too long or i fuckken pass out and <3 hit my damn head <3 #but i did take a deep breath and buy myself the stupid rice cooker #and!!! a very cheap sushi kit!!! i have been wanting to try making sushi for literally YEARS #the kit was only like 15 dollars!!!! and i haven't purchased it bc?!!??!?!?!?!!? #..... i didn't get the mixer tho that felt. like a lot. like too much. #on my list is a kitchenaid. one day when i get a check and i have paid off my student debt #and medical debt #i will put that first little bit of cash #into a kitchenaid 5qt stand mixer (with attachments) #i really do just go into their refurbished section and stare lustily at each option #but yeah i feel guilty about the rice cooker even tho i know for a fact this damn thing is gonna be a lifesaver #oh shit also fuck i forgot to mention . poached eggs

[stuckinapril]

I love Tumblr because nothing matters here truly. There are no influencers. Having followers doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a site where people post their sporadic thoughts and rb pretty pictures. Anyone who thinks any of this matters is woefully missing the point

#I joined tumblr for the aesthetics and now I’m here bc it’s the most low pressure social media to be on #Instagram is ppl’s highlight reel but Tumblr is where u see their pure thoughts unobstructed and I adore that #It’s very nice to have people to relate to and is def the main appeal to me but I don’t think there’s much more to it than that genuinely #Monetization on tumblr isn’t a thing and probably won’t be so it feels stupid to put more stake than necessary in it. Like you’re in the #Trenches over tumblr of all things. Embarrassing #I know chronically online people exist bc I have seen them in my or somebody else’s inbox but imagine waking up at 70 one day and the #Realization hitting u like a freight time that u wasted all ur time thinking tumblr. TUMBLR. This dying website. Has enough weight for u to #be sending anon hate or reviewing ppl’s blogs like they’re some kind of product. Brother this is licherally tumblr #I choose to laugh at this behavior than take it seriously bc absolutely no one is driving me crazy on my OWN blog. On tumblr dot com. #I refuse #I will do whatever I want forever etc

[willowser]

not to be so disgusting and gross about gojo on the dash but i think he's such a flirty, teasing idiot that, when you show him genuine and true affection, he goes all somber and quiet.

like you come up to him after dinner and stand on your tip-toes and hug him for no reason, give him a fat kiss on the cheek for no reason, and he just — lets you. doesn't say anything, just kind of hums and lightly places his hands on your hips, so gently you might not even know they're there. you tell him, "i love you, thank you for eating with me," and he presses his mouth to the top of your head, lips squished, and says it back, but there's no jokes, no teasing remarks. he just allows himself to be weak and to bask in it, for as long as he can.

#the only way to shut him up 😒 #you're so open and honest with him and are placing your heart in his hands to hold and he's like HMM. SHOULD I BE TRUSTED TO HAVE THIS ?? 🥺 #bc i think any relationships he has are very fun and quick and cat-and-mouse #so with you he's like. i dont think i should let myself get in too deep with this. just in case. #but he's ALSO LIKE. SATORU YOU WOULD BE SO STUPID TO LET THIS GO #WAAAHHH I HATE HIM how dare he make me feel things how DARE HE !!!! #✿ willow writes #✿ thoughts: gojo

[phanrenaissance]

tell me what the video Basically, I’m Gay means to you?

daniel howell why did you send this ask to every phannie tumblr account you could find .

#that was my funny answer #the serious answer: i stopped watching dnp at that point and only started again after BIG #and. i related to. A LOTTT of what Dan was putting out there in that video #funnily enough not because im bi but because im trans. like. the not fitting. the finding other queer label bc i couldn't accept what i- #-actually was #the constant fear. hard growing up feeling different. etc etc. #anyway #i think he's been watching a bit too much contrapoints b4 making it. but i rly loved it. in a strange way it was very comforting #and very reassuring #bc i was always drawn to dnp as a neurodivergent & queer person and was felt. for lack of better word. #stupid for it. or mocked. #and in BIG i had this. self recognition thru other moment yknow #own post #ask #dan and phil #daniel howell #phan #dnp #dip and pip

[sergle]

There's something about like. A certain genre of posts / Online Opinions about insecurity/depression/misery/complaints that are so unhelpful that they wrap right around to being straight up hilarious. and it's the ones that are more or less written to the tone of "Feeling bad? That's gross!" Like, just so you know, don't voice your insecurities/ have low self esteem, because that's offputting! You're gross and weird. Don't be insecure about that, though. That would be stupid if you felt insecure about people disliking you for being insecure. Not attractive. You should be thinking about being as attractive as possible. You shouldn't make comments about suicide, even if you're suicidal! Keep those thoughts entirely to yourself. Make sure nobody around you knows you're thinking about this. It would Make Them Uncomfortable. It's better to keep these thoughts in your head where they can fester. Don't post OR talk to friends with complaints about you feeling miserable or depressed. Tbh people who are sad/upset a lot? Kinda a red flag! You are probably miserable because you're a bad person and you've brought this on yourself. If you don't have friends, it's because you're awful to be around. Easy! Solved the problem for you. And no, there is no nuance to this, got it? So, make sure to feel bad about feeling bad, but don't feel bad about it, because, well, that's just gross. And annoying! You might've wanted your brain rotted thoughts to be Peer Reviewed, you might have just needed to vent- you might've been hoping for some comfort, to get things off your chest. Well, don't! Don't talk about thoughts or feelings that are negative with your friends, you'd be burdening them and that's only meant for THERAPY. #SponsoredbyBetterHelp #MentalHealth like, DAMN. that's so helpful. you're so good at helping. I um really liked the part where these are all hard and fast rules that encourage keeping feelings bottled up and keeping your friends at arm's length. That's really funny of you.

#I FEEL LIKE COMPLAINING RN in the context of this alternate universe these posts live in. that makes me evil rn. I may not even keep #the post up. but I Needed to complain about these bc I hate seeing them #really funny and good because it very much feeds into that part of the brain where you go wait am I stupid? am I horrible? am I annoying? #before you express any kind of personal feelings. from feeling insecure alll the way down the spectrum to feeling like your life is over #before anyone How Dare You Say We Piss On The Poor-s at me YES there is a nuanced version of this #which is. you can make someone feel like shit (A Fellow Sufferer Of The Mental Eelnesses) by using them as your dumping ground #in excess and usually with no regard for how they feel and without Regular conversations inbetween #and in a one-sided way where they can't do the same and complain with you as a sounding board in return #don't tell new friends you hardly know abt THE MOST personal shit you can possibly think of. there are steps being skipped here #right? we know this. we all know it. setting a boundary is a thing. overwhelming a person is a thing #on the other hand there is such a thing as a friend who IS okay to listen and wants to help. and friends who relate. #maybe talking abt personal stuff makes ppl feel closer sometimes. just a thought! maybe not everything is Emotional Labor. maybe just maybe #but like come on. these are almost intentionally unhelpful posts #long post

[oifaaa]

Wait what the hell is happening on the current arc? It sounds like this comic year should be erased from the public consciousness.

Sure spoilers for Gotham war but Bruce was sleeping for a wee while bc of the fall out of night terrors he also lost a hand and bc of failsafe he's also not really himself rn bc of him unlocking his secret personality of zur - anyway catwoman calls everyone to a meeting to tell them what she's been up to which is that she's been scouting the goons from the other villains and training them so they only steal from the rich which obviously Bruce doesn't like so he starts going after the people selina has been training - most of the bats are kinda just on the sidelines but are more in-line with selina apart from Jason who is completely on selinas side (except for in his own solo Gotham war side story which I honestly don't know when it takes place bc in it selina and Jason fall out bc jason doesn't actually believe any of the goons are gonna change and they'll crawl back to joker and the rest eventually ) but in the main story Jason is very much on selinas side to the point where she's helping him distract Bruce - the first time Bruce and Jason fight the rest of the bats (dick Tim cass steph and duke) show up and Bruce beats quiet a few of them but is struggling a bit against Jason at the end until damian swoops in to save him - damian and Bruce retreat to the redbrick House (which has been Bruce's base basically since alfred died a few years back) the next morning a lawyer comes to the redbrick to tell Bruce someone has brought Wayne Manor which is surprising to Bruce so he rushes to the batcave to find out oh no vandal savage has brought Wayne Manor - Bruce and Jason end up fighting again when Jason is pulling another heist with a few of the goons but this time Bruce kidnaps Jason and injects him with something he claims it changes Jason personality so every time he feels adrenaline he will basically have a panic attack - dick at this point is looking for Jason but ends up finding damian Tim also shows up and damian gets handcuffed to a street lamp - batman shows up and starts fighting dick and Tim and dick finds out what Bruce did to Jason- Bruce ends up fleeing leaving damian behind which obviously really upsets damian - back with Jason selinas lieutenant shows up and reveals she's been vandals daughter this whole time and wants to know if Jason would be interested in immortality only for her to realise Jason's too far into his fear to really be of use to her so she leaves him alone in honestly one of the most heartbreaking panels I've ever seen

#ask #anon #gotham war #gotham war spoilers #batman 138 #batman spoilers #tuesday spoilers #wednesday spoilers #i personally think its all very stupid #not least of which #bc i dont think this counts as a war #maybe it does idk #it doesnt feel like a war #long post #long posts #also i did leave out quite alot #bc obviously this post was gonna be long enough

[ganondoodle]

i often really do feel like an .. unwanted part of the fandom, i dont draw beautiful landscapes, i have unpopular but strong opinions im constantly annoying about and rarely change, dont like/dont draw the pretty young popular twinks and hot gurls to fanboi over nor do i turn characters into one, the opposite moreso, draw only one ship no ones heard of really, got little energy to interact with the few people that are nice to me and send me asks so it probably looks like im ignoring everyone and unfortunately but still rarely get so stressed i get overwhelmed and emotional about pehaps seemingly minor things and spiral almost into a breakdown feeling super embarrassed about it afterwards but the damage is already done and i look like a freak or agressive weirdo

#ganondoodles talks #also probably sounds like self pity #but this feeling hits everytime i see a super popular artist be the popular cool artist #i am a little weird i know that and thats not somethign bad i think #but the internet never gets to see that much of me #i tend to write posts when i am at my worst bc it has to go somewhere #so the image it tells people is that im a weirdly strong opiniod freak that gets breakdowns over nothing #i also dont feel like im otherwise -cool tm- enough to balance that out #i dont think my art is as stylized or as inventive as others nor am i cool to interact with bc idk how to be cool to interact with #i feel double bad when i misstepped with someone i used to talk to bc of something stupid ... or just dont know what i did wrong #im guessing its especially when i am in that spiraling state of mind where i really am not myself tbh #it still feels very bad bc i feel like i can never make it up to anyone again #sorry i acted like a jerk my brain was exploding in emotions in a desperate attempt to deal with something idk how to deal with- #-and made me not act like myself but now i feel really dumb about it #doesnt sound like a good excuse #... i want to thank those that do stick with me #even if i acted strange sometimes- even if i disappointed sometimes- even when i couldnt keep a promise #there are little things that still make me angry at myself #like that one time i asked in the tags whod read as long as the end of them and if someone did shoudl send me an ask so id draw a lil thing #and i got two #and i kept trying to remeber oh shit i need to do that and forgetting again/not having energy for it in a loop #i still feel like a jerk about it but now its probably too late #i wish i could answer all asks i get but man my energy for that is always rock bottom #no matter how much i enjoy the ask #and i love getting asks!!! #im sorry :((

[pro-sipper]

What do proshippers generally believe about shipping real people? Stuff like creator x creator or celebrity x reader?

That it falls under the umbrella of "you should be allowed to write anything you want". Once again, it's not my personal thing. There's no real life pairing I read for, and the whole "blank x reader" is not appealing to me at all.

But I have no problem with people writing that stuff, or knowing it's out there. I saw someone a while back say that it's basically just writing about another character, and I agree with that. No matter how much a creator posts or how open a celebrity seems with their personal life, we're still only seeing a tiny snippet of their lives. We have no clue who they are when the cameras aren't recording because we just don't know them. And whatever someone chooses to write about is mostly stemming from that particular persona that they happen to put on for the world and that's it. It's completely separate from our reality because they're basically just writing about another made up character

The problem I have, and it's what I imagine most proshippers also take issue with, is when people start blurring the lines between fiction and reality. To me, there's a world of difference between posting something on ao3, and speculating on secret relationships in the comments of someone's youtube video. Or between talking about something on tumblr, and tagging the person directly on twitter.

I just don't understand people who condemn rpf and talk about how gross and invasive it is, but think it's funny to tag celebrities on twitter to bring up (what they think is) cringe-worthy fanfic tropes that people have written them into. Or people who print out fanworks to shove into an actor's face at a meet and greet and ask them what they think about it. That's where the lines get crossed, to me.

I think ao3 and tumblr still have an air of mysticism to them. A little secrecy, a little privacy. In the sense that someone in the public eye would have to put in a little work to find this stuff for themselves. They'd have to go to the site and search themselves up to find anything. As opposed to just about anyone in the world being able to force this content in their line of sight with a simple @ on a site like twitter.

So to me the problem isn't that this content exists. The problem is when people don't know how to keep fandom stuff private. Write all the rpf you want but remember at the end of the day these are real people, not your blorbos. You don't know them. It's inappropriate to say these things to them personally (which yes, also includes tagging them on twitter or in the comments of their videos). But it's also inappropriate to run up to them with other people's content just to say "look what these FREAKS wrote about you!!" And I think people either forget or just genuinely don't care about the latter.

#proship #proshippers #pro ship #proshippers please interact #proshipper #proshipping #rpf #real person fiction #asks #anonymous #sip rambles #i know its so much crazier in this day and age than when i was a kid #with social media and stupid stuff like tiktok basically being a requirement of the job it seems #and celebs posting constantly and having a quick way to interact with fans #or content creators whose entire brand exists on social media apps like tiktok #who seem to be posting 24/7 and broadcasting their whole lives #and i know most of those types of creators mostly have younger followers who probably do very easily get sucked into #feeling like they know that person like thats their friend #and i also dont think that type of creator really discourages those feelings bc... they want followers and $$$ #but idk just write your fic and read it or dont do either and just leave celebs alone irl please please please

[luck-of-the-drawings]

smth smth about 'the thing that the character did that you thought was rly rly funny in the moment is actually linked to a terrible trauma that lies within said character.' or wahtever.

#jrwi show #jrwi fanart #jrwi riptide #gillion tidestrider #made this within a short span of wahtever bc i gotta go up to the mountains for my stupid gay job tonight n im trying #nnot to frrRREAAAK THE FUCK OUUTTTTTTi dont wanna work but. get that bread we fuckin shall i guess #ONWARDS TO THE FISH TORMENT!! sometimes flowers feel pain when you trim them before their blossoming. atleast i imagine so #i used to draw gillion with loooong hair tied into a big ol braid. and then it was confirmed that he had short hair when he was little. #AT FIRST I WAS SAD. but then i realized the duality of. when they were little. gill had short hair. edyn had long hair. #AND NOW THEYRE OLDER. and gillion has long hair. and edyn has short hair #both mirroring eachother. looking up to eachother. subconsciously or not. they most certainly care. and most certainly miss eachother. #GILLION ALWAYS LOVED HOW LONG HAIR LOOKs. atleast i imagine so. he hasnt cut it since he left the undersea. sure he wanted to go back home #but even at the very start. he knew he was free in some way now. free to grow out his hair. an adventure would await him before he returns. #he knew it would be a while. so he cant let this go. he cant let this sought-after hair-length get cut away from him again #not yet. not yet. i like to think he loved music too. I SAW SOMETHING INTERESTING A BIT AGO #i see alot of ppl commenting on my baby gill comics like;'i wouldFIGHT this teacher i wanna KILL EM i want them DESTROYED #all very good and nice sentiments! i LOVE the energy here! and it would be nice. to have that catharsis #but the story of young tidestrider is not a story of catharsis. it is a story of agony and being so so small and so special and also so dum #and sucking so bad. and just being a kid and doing the things that a little kid does and so many tired tired people reacting badly to it #youre supposed to be the hero that will save us. our world hangs in the balance and you are the one who tips the scales. #YOU are supposed to SAVE US!! you NEED to SAVE US! CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SQUIRMING IN YOUR STUPID CHAIR!! #you'd think that young tidestrider ought to prevail. and be tucked someplace all safe and sound. #elders gone missing and rotting in a jail. their cultists nowhere around. but theres no happy endings. not here not now. #this tale is all sorrows n woes. you may dream that justice n peace win the day. but thats not how this story goes #BIG ideas for this lil baby gillion series. if anything i make ever gets disproven im killing myself in a well as to poison a water supply

[priceofreedom]

funny how everyone seemed to adore Zack until he started having more screentime...

#it's honestly very surprising. i see hate towards him almost every day since Remake came out and i wish i was kidding #and yeah yeah i know other characters get lots of hate too but the hate towards him has been so sudden and random??? #idk maybe he *was* hated before but i just didn't notice #but at the same time no. i'm 100% sure the hate increased considerably after he was shown to be alive in the Remake #i feel like some people are just weirdly concerned he is gonna overshadow the main characters which is stupid #this story is still about Cloud and the others #we're just gonna explore another reality (allegedly) with Zack it's not that deep bro #(rebirth spoilers) -> even in Zack's timeline Cloud AND Aerith are there #and who knows how many more #like i get shippers being petty because when are they not petty #but i've seen non-shippers/casual players saying they do not want to see more of him and being all bitter bc he's important #he's always been important you all just refuse to acknowledge it!!! #no matter how many times hamaguchi nomura nojima etc say he's super important ppl just keep denying it 💀 #as if y'all know more than the freaking devs i'm getting tired of this bs #my post #i'm glad the devs love him as much as we do. cry about it

[wikoymi]

stiff ahh pose but crazy how its taken me Seven Months to draw a nagito that looks even somewhat remotely close to how he looks in my head. Big day

#nagito komaeda #sdr2 #danganronpa #danganronpa fanart #komaeda nagito #fanart #art #finished #wikoart #ok im just gonna rant about how he looks ive done this before in ts but #Hair. ok you guys know those like cheap ass wigs that have been crimped or wtv you call it. Nagito #Not like the shiny plastic ones but like. The ones that have been really brushed up? i dont know it just feels very coarse i guess #not in the way that he doesnt like wash his hair bc he def does but thats just how his hair is #his mullet type thing is so important to me i can never really translate it well into my art #i got it here tho so. :33333 #other important nagito design aspects because i love him a lot #back profile. big ass hood. semi baggy jeans. stupid eyelashes. the fold on the back of his jacket like midway down where it like goes out #the WALLET CHAIN. #the 55 on the back of his jacket #i just really like his jacket. its so ugly #wide ass shoulders #freakishly tall #i know hes only like 5’11 but you know thats still like a foot taller than me hes freakishly tall to me #bony hands #hes such a freak #i love him so much #his skin is def dry as hell #sandpaper #anemic so hes like freezing to thr touch #COLLARBONES

[skitskatdacat63]

Hello I've woken up and people seem to like the card post, yay! It's just funny bcs before I even was thinking about writing that post, @suzuki-ecstar and I were joking about Fernando becoming a Las Vegas magician post-F1. So here are some silly WIPs that I will hopefully finish at some point

Of course Seb as his sexy Magician's assisstant whom he cuts in half, also he would be so these posts

And his magician name would of course be: "✨️Magic Alonso✨️" Also I saw someone in the tags be like "oh so that's[the magic tricks] is where he got that nickname!" Honestly, I had the same realization, I'm so embarrassed 😭 I saw that it said Magic Alonso in the corner of the one vid and I was like WAIT THIS IS WHERE THAT COMES FROM!!?!?!? I didn't realize it existed for so long....

Anyways gonna go drown myself in coursework :)

#i suddenly feel very into writing posts rn. it couldnt be the looming deadlines right?? right???? #but aaaaahh thank you so much for the appreciation of the card post!!! yay lore! #but that was just the lore for this au obv 🥱 (kidding but its funny how they ended up evolving seperately) #<- like writing the card post i wasnt even rly thinkinf abt this au #theyre only slightly related bcs this au made me suddenly think about fernando and cards #a GREAT thanks to suzuki-ecstar for being like half this au and making stupid jokes w me about it 🥺 #hmmm what would it be called #earlier i said: #mid-life crisis magician! fernando #it fits :) #catie.rambling.txt #fernando alonso

[pansyfemme]

i think i may hate instagram the most out of all the social medias i use its so fucking boring i cant stay on there for more than 5 minutes. thats probably a good thing but like if it wasnt for it being the most reliable for following irl friends (and a lot of visual artists i like) i would never use that fucking app it puts me to sleep

#all the ‘meme pages’ are so unfunny and 100% stolen shit #i never want to look at that discover or reels page ever. i like mostly use it as a messaging app lmao #i post there but mostly when i have something 2 say to irls #or art. bc it is good for art to a point #tiktok has the worst content by far but i like the vegan cooking video and art supply reviews so i stick around #its just that that stupid fucking app would rather show me infurating garbage than the content i activly search out #tumblr i like the most obviously. best sense of humor. most like minded people. #my usage is a bit much i agree but like idk. other social medias make me feel like i am being deprived of all happiness and this doesnt do #that at the very least

[dailykugisaki]

Day ninety-two | id in alt

(read from right to left!💥)

Kugisaki has absolutely zero impulse control and sometimes forgets she doesn't. She's loud about it too.

#dailykugisaki #jjk #kugisaki nobara #itadori yuji #yaga masamichi #people were like posting that text saying it was Gojo and Fushiguro like okay?? i get ur point but thats overdone #i raise you the damn principal himself bc yaga would and nobody wants to admit it #Kugisaki is just. impulse. like #sometimes she acts on intrusive but thats only when the intrusive involves murder of another person #she has control but its way fucked up and it's fun #little excuse to draw a little guy cursed corpse #KUGISAKI IS NOT STUPID THO!!! I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO GET IT THROUGH PEOPLE'S HEADS THAT SHES VERY MUCH NOT #restraining myself from ranting in the damn tags again

[oifaaa]

You know what I can foresee Tim getting so into hating Jason and trying to counter Jason’s 1001 Evil Murder Plans (that he definitely has) that he misses the court date that might have given him more parental rights. So then he just hates Jason even more because obviously this was plan #1002 that he hadn’t managed to counter in time.

And meanwhile Jason is just trying to get used to the fact that none of his favorite food carts are around anymore.

Tim is cursing Jason out for his evil master plan to ruin tims life mean while Jason's just crying in a corner somewhere bc he wants to listen to his music but can't bc he can't figure out how to get the stupid wireless headphones to connect

#ask #anon #im usually against the jason cant understand new tech hc #but #thats usually bc jason is only dead for 6 months in canon #so it feels very silly imo #and yes i know sliding scale blah blah i dont care its stupid #but sinces hes been dead for 20 years in this au #ill allow it #another fun thing about this au ive realised #bc jason was dead for 20 years i can say he was born in the late 80s and just have it set in modern times hehe #also ive designed both kon and Bernard in this au #and am now sad bc im really not gonna use them #tho i guess its just fun for me to know what they look like

[lobotomyladylives]

I think bpd is a bullshit stigmatizing label thrown at women to pathologize what is very obviously a response to prolonged childhood trauma and would be better labeled as C-PTSD. that being said my god I am bpd as fuck

#my sister just snapped at me bc i said i dont want to do a ton of physical labor for the job she signed me up for which apparently does i #in fact involve a lot of it. and her being mad for even that moment sent me spiraling so badly & i had the reaction i often do where #i start hating both her & myself terribly & want to isolate forever #i think she hates her new job & is taking it out on me but it doesnt matter bc i cant handle being yelled at #and the fact thst it took me till adulthood to realize thats bc i associate it with my father is crazy. yeah its just the cptsd like #everything else. and whats nutso is how i continue to think my trauma Wasnt Bad Enough for ptsd . #just bc he didnt beat the shit out of or molest me i feel like i dont even have a right to be this fucked up #not that it was only him. being bullied at school really did not help. i guess now that i think about it the problem is that until #i was a teenager i literally did not feel emotionally secure anywhere. home or school. always the ticking of a bomb in the bg #the inevitable moment my dad blew up over nothing or i overheard my peers talking about what a freak i was #i dont know why it still hurts to think about. im so far removed from it my life now couldnt be more different #well thats the stupid fucking thing about childhood isnt it. those are your very first experiences with the world & other ppl #i do know my view of romantic relationships was irrevocably poisoned by my parents & that is never going to be undone. so cool