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raschuuuu · 3 years

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WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME BACK? // M.YG angst (Suga)

Summary: You finally had your debut with your girl group with Big Hit entertainment. That was your absolute biggest dream but what happens when you have to decide now? Do you want to live your idol life and let the love of your life go for it? Or do you decide for the life of your life?

Word count: 5k

Genre: angst

warnings: established relationship / swearing / soft yoongi / mentioning of breakups / mentioning of suicide/death

Pairing: Yoongi!idol x female idol!reader

A/N: Hello guuuuys! Today I hope very much that you will like this one here! I didn't get any requests so I want to say it again one more time: FEEL FREE TO SEND ME YOUR REQUESTS!!! 😟🥺It’s my second fanfic on this blog I worked very hard on it so I really really hope you guys will enjoy it. If you guys think I could do anything better or you have another preferences please let me know. I’d be very happy if you guys leave a like so I know you read it and liked it. Another note: English is not my first language I’m very sorry if you guys find any mistakes.. 💔

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5th December 2020

What could be better than having a debut just before the year ends? My group and I were supposed to have our debut much earlier but that was postponed due to the COVID pandemic so it was complicated to have a debut this year but nevertheless our company managed to give us a debut before the year ends and I really have to say it's the best thing that could ever happen to me!

My dream has finally come true. How long was I a trainee? Exactly. Six years. Six freaking years I was hidden behind the scenes of my big and famous company. It feels really shitty to be in the shadow of two famous groups in South Korea. Don't get me wrong I'm a really big fan of BTS and TXT but we got tired of being told that we're going to make our debut but at the end we didn’t. I know the guys from BTS and TXT personally and we all get along super well even the other members of my group. But to be honest BTS and TXT couldn't wait for our debut to happen and finally it's here (y/g/n) finally gets the recognition.

31st December 2020

Of course our lives have changed dramatically since we made our debut. Of course it's much harder to go out alone now than before. Before I was a nobody. No one knew me but now I don't even dare to go alone to the convenient store that is just around the corner of our dorm. You might think I'm exaggerating a bit but no, unfortunately it's the truth. Nevertheless, I don't want to spoil my idol life. After our debut we had a lot of promotions and interviews. But even before that we didn't have much time because we had to shoot our music video and photo shoots and we were all sent to the hairdresser because our old look was officially bye bye. I’m happy with my new look I think I look so beautiful I can't believe what a haircut and a nice makeup can do to a person.

Today is the 31st of December. New Year's Eve! New year takes place in less than 24 hours! Where am I? I'm at this year's MBC Gayo DaeJeon. My first new year's eve without my family and officially my first new year's eve as an idol. I'm so excited I can't believe it I'm going to be on stage with my girls and I'm meeting other idols how exciting is that. I'm sitting in the makeup room getting my makeup done by our makeup artist and on the side our hairstylist is making me a high ponytail. I hope I'll look good. Dabi, the oldest of our group and therefore our Unni, has just finished and looks adorable. Miso sits to my left and is also getting her make-up and hair done. Hyemi is getting ready after me because she doesn't take up much time. She has the shortest hair of all of us. I’m sitting with my mobile phone in my hand and texting with my mother. Sometimes I wish I could be with her and with my father and my siblings. I miss them all like hell. I haven't seen them since before our debut. I can't wait to hold them all in my arms next time.

(eomma):

y/n we miss you! New year's eve isn't the same without you but hopefully you'll have fun on stage today. We'll all be watching you! Your dad and I your grandparents and your siblings so don't worry we're always with you! Good luck my child fighting! 🎉🎆

I notice how i get tears in my eyes but no I mustn't cry my makeup gets ruined. Just as I want to answer my mother i get a new text on my phone.

(yoongi):

I'm excited to see you tonight! You'll be great I believe in you.

By the way... I guess I didn't tell you that I'm dating Min Yoongi. That's right, Min Yoongi.

flashback

2014

"Y/n! We're about to meet BTS!" says Hyemi as I just walked into the dance practice room. What BTS? The group that made their debut last year? "Really why?" I ask looking at her confused. Apparently all new trainee male or female, are introduced to BTS because they want to give us some nice words and encouragement on our way as trainees. Just as I was about to sit down, the seven men came in the door. One after the other, they passed us by. Wow, these guys can count themselves lucky that their time is up. But one boy in particular stands out to me. He has red hair. Not too light and not too dark, a red that almost goes brown. He is beautiful.

I haven't really informed myself about who BTS is, of course I still have difficulties to remember their names, I just became a trainee before I didn't care who was a trainee here... but this man is beautiful!

Oh crap he looks at me. Why is he looking at me. Someone tell him to look the other way please I’m so awkward I don't know how to act when someone looks at me I better look the other way. The leader said some nice words to us they all wished us luck and said that they can't wait for us to make our debut and that when the day comes they're all gonna be happy and supportive! Really nice of them I never thought that they would do something like that. We all got up and bowed and said thank you, while BTS was about to walk out I saw the red haired boy looking at me one last time before he went out. Crazy man do I have something on my face stop staring!

2015

I started to get to know them better each and every one of them. I get along best with Hoseok and Taehyung. Every now and then we run into each other in the building and talk for a few minutes. We trainees also got to meet all the guys in person, they are all so nice and down to earth I don't regret it one bit that I joined this company! Jungkook is about my age and every now and then we have a few laughs together. Once you are in the company you are like one big family whether it is with the trainees or the staff. However I have not been able to get close to one person and that is Min Yoongi. I don't know what it is but every time he and I are in a room with other people it just gets awkward. I don't know what it is but every time he is near me I feel intimidated and just want to get out of there. We've never spoken a word to be honest maybe it's because he feels awkward around me too? I can't understand why he feels this way I always try to get along with everyone even if i don't want to and make everyone feel comfortable around me because I want it to be mutual. So what's his problem?

2016

I have heard from his members that he has a crush on me and gets shy around me which I totally don't understand because how can anyone be into me? Especially back then! I don't want to go into too much detail but I can tell you that after a while and with the help of Hoseok and Taehyung he and I started texting at some point. We had been friends for a long time but only online. We were both too nervous to meet in person and to be honest that had been impossible because he was busy as fuck and no one was supposed to find out that we were texting. BTS recognition grew more and more each year and he became busier and busier each day. I was of course very happy for everyone and one rainy day in the evening Yoongi appeared out of nowhere on my doorstep and confessed his love to me. I am still overwhelmed by it and it all feels so unreal and like it just happened yesterday, but I went for it and agreed to be his girlfriend.

back to December 31st 2020

For four years we have been hiding our relationship. Nobody knows about it the whole Big Hit staff doesn't know about it and neither do our managers the only ones who know about it are his members and recently my members. I didn't want to tell them until we made our debut together because I was too scared of being told off during my trainee time. But I have to say that the girls stand behind me and accept our relationship and they all swore they would take it to the grave with them.

I quickly turn down the brightness of my screen because there's too much danger of my hairstylist and makeup artist reading the text. I close my phone and put it on my lap. How much I want to answer him but I don't dare I can't answer him when there are too many people around me. After a while we were called and it was finally our turn I'm so nervous but we managed it all with flying colors and we were the topic of the evening.

In a few minutes it's already new year I'm ready and let 2021 come to me. At midnight Yoongi calls me and I answer the phone with joy.

"Happy new year y/n! I love you and I hope we will spend more time together this year even though it will be harder now." I smile to myself and say "Happy new year Yoongi... how is your shoulder? Are you resting enough? Are you eating enough? Are you sleeping enough? Are you in pain? If you are in pain then take a painkiller and go back to the doctor!" I can't see it but I can tell he is grinning and shaking his head. I don't let him get a word in edgewise.

"Don't worry I’m fine I just miss you you're the only painkiller I can take" - "Hahaha yah! You're so corny! I miss you too sweetheart I wish we had spent this new year together... I’m sorry it turned out like this!" I feel really bad because I know he won't be able to spend new year with his boys or me... To be honest we have never had a new year together except on the phone but this time it could have worked out! He is at home with his injury and if we wouldn't have had our debut then we would have had a first new year together after four years of relationship!

January 10th 2021

At the beginning of the new year our manager gave us our schedule plan at it looked hella busy! This whole January we would be completely busy we don't even have one weekend off! I can’t believe it how will I able to see my family or even Yoongi? I saw him at the first weekend of January we spent it together at his family’s house in Daegu behause to be honest that is actually the only place that we can go to a little far away from Seoul without having to worry that any of the staff could know or see us. My family also knows and loves him to death but with my family living in Seoul it’s complicated to take him there. Our manager left the room and I looked at Dabi with the ‘You and I bathroom NOW!’ look she understood and got up from her place and she followed me to the bathroom. We checked if any other person was inside when there wasn’t I said “What the fuck I’m I gonna do now Unni? How am I able to see Yoongi? How will I be able to even go out. I won’t even have time to take the fucking trash out from our dorm when it’s my turn to clean!” I yell. She stands there giving me a confused look. “What do you expect y/n? You chose to have this idol life you know its busy and complicated to have a boyfriend especially as a fresh debuted idol! Why do you think they won't let us have a relationship? I wish I could help you but I can’t. We’re gonna be busy as fuck!” she yelled back. “Psh shut your volume down unni!” she opened the door to see if there was anyone outside but there wasn’t.

I feel bad I really do. I don't want my members to be in trouble because of me that's the last thing I want. I hug her and apologize to her. I have to think of something I don't know what to do. I don't want us to be away from each other for too long what happens when he stops loving me all of a sudden? What do I do when he goes back to work then it will all be worse! Before I became an idol we could always see each other at the end of the day but now it will be impossible. I have to talk to him about it because one thing we promised each other is that we talk about everything because that's the only way a healthy relationship can work and such a complicated relationship we both have. I take out my phone and write him a message.

(me):

Yoongi. Tonight FaceTime date you and me?

In less than two minutes I already get my answer.

(yoongi):

of course!

evening

I turn on my MacBook and call him on FaceTime. After three rings he answers the phone and turns it off too so he doesn't have to hold it in his hand. He still has his bandage on and his hair is wet he must have been in the shower. He wears cute pyjamas and fight me or not but black haired Yoongi is the most beautiful Yoongi. I always fall in love again when I see him. Hard to believe we were so awkward with each other back then but this year is already approaching 5 years together. I could never imagine my life without him.

"Hey my darling" he says happily and smiles at me. I smile back and ask him how he is. He tells me that he is getting better every day and that during his time off he has found a lot of time for himself and his music and how much he misses the others. And me too, of course. "What's wrong with you?" he asks me when he notices that my mind is somewhere else. I think he took the Facetime date too seriously. He be sitting there with his cup of ramen. I just laugh. "Yoongi... I'm going to be busy all of January and manager oppa said that February might not be any better," I say and wait for his answer. He swallows his noodles and drinks a glass of water. "Does that mean we won't see each other this month?" he asks. I think he's a little disappointed I know him and I know his tones and his looks and I can hear my heart breaking by now. And how much I'd like to see you Yoongi. Every second every day. "No," I say, and then an uncomfortable silence descends.

“You know what baby it’s fine don't worry. I mean I wasn’t any better back then do you remember when I always used to be so busy? I never had time for you and I felt so bad. But you were there for me and you stayed by my side and you were and still are the most supportive girlfriend I could ever ask for. I think it would be unfair to be mad at you. I’m happy for you forever and always” well that was unexpected. I start getting tears in my eyes. I didn't think of this reaction not at all! I smile at him and say “Thank you baby... I will appreciate it I really do. But still I feel bad because especially in this period where you're sick I wish I could be there for you and take care of you. This debut was so unexpected I’m really sorry” - “Yah don't be sorry y/n. You worked your goddamn fine ass off to be where you're at right now be proud of you this is just the beginning. And it’s not like that we won't see each other ever again right?” he says. He’s right. He’s totally right. It’s not like we won't see each other ever again.

January 17th 2020

Well... seven days passed and we still haven't seen each other and we haven't talked since one week. We text every now and then cause I really only get to use my phone when it's night and we go back home but every night I'm so damn exhausted and tired that I forget to answer to his texts. I don't even have time to text my parents back or my siblings. I feel so bad I'm such a bad person. I miss them all so much. I miss my parents. I miss my sister and my brother. I miss my grandparents. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend so damn much. I really didn't think this life is gonna be so hard for me. I feel like I've been put in the middle of a scale with my career on one side and my relationship on the other side and I have to choose one side or the other. I've never thought about breaking up with Yoongi ever in my life. Never. I just can't. I need this man too much. Even though we never have the most beautiful and perfect relationship and see each other very rarely, it's just the thought that I know there's someone in my life who loves me and accepts me for who I am that counts. He took me with my imperfections he put his career what he loves most in his life in risk to be with me and now that we are both in this situation I don't know what to do I feel bad and selfish for even thinking about it I don't want to make him feel like my career is more important than him or our relationship he doesn't deserve that he deserves the world and he deserves to be happy. But I love my career I love my job I love my members I love our staff I love our fans. Our biggest fear was not being accepted by the society outside especially now in this period when BTS is one of the biggest groups in the whole world and have a very big influence in the KPOP industry. We were afraid that society would think that since we are the first girl group to make a Big Hit debut in a very long time that people would think that we would mess with the boys heads or that there would be any rumors started between us and the other groups. But on the contrary people have been happy for us and love our music and us individually. I feel like Hannah Montana I feel like I am living a double life.

20th January 2021

"I know you are overwhelmed with the situation my child, I can imagine that it is very hard for you but you have to know what is best for you. You can't tell anyone from your company, you are a rookie, if they find out you had a boyfriend during your trainee time then it is even worse. I wish I was with you and could help you or just be there for you. I love Yoongi very much but I love you even more and I am happy with any decision you make. Just make the right one" my mother says on the phone. Tears have been flowing since she got on the phone but I don't want to tell her and I try not to sob but I know she can tell by my tone that I am crying. She is right. I have to make a decision. Yoongi is getting better day by day and soon he will be busy too he will go back to his daily routine and the other members. He will have comebacks he will have dance practices he will have to go to the recording studio he will have photo shoots he will do interviews and when the corona situation allows he will have to go to other countries and I have to do the same.

I love him to death and I will never love anyone as much as I love him but I am just not happy like this and you can tell me what you want he is not either but he doesn't let it show. Yesterday on the phone there was such an awkward tension between us it felt like I was making small talk with a stranger. Even though I might be the bad guy but one of us has to make the first move. I have wished and hoped that this day will never come but I have to do it.

23 January 2021

Yoongi told me that he is back in his flat in Seoul with his mother. Unfortunately he still can't travel alone so his dear mum went with him. I missed her too, she's the nicest and sweetest woman ever. When I imagine that I won't see her again either, tears well up in my eyes. But today I have to do it. Who would have thought that our reunion would be like this? Who would have thought that I would break up with him. He won't expect it but I have to do it. I’m cold and sick and I just want to go to bed and get the day over with. It's 11pm at night and we've come home after a long hard day. I look out the window and wait until our manager is out of sight.

My members know about my plans and of course have asked me a million times if I am sure and if there is no other way out. I am very happy that they are worried about me but I also feel bad towards them. I have been hiding it from them all our trainee years and when I told them they were all so good about it and even want me not to do it. But no I will do it I am young and want to concentrate on my career and what is coming up for us.

I told Yoongi that I would come, of course he doesn't want to because it's way too late but I said it was important and that we had to talk about something. When I said we had to talk about something he was quiet and then just said he would wait for me. I put on a hat and a thick jacket and the hood of the jacket and a mask and a scarf and go out into the high snow that has covered Seoul. His flat is not far from mine but still I have to take a taxi. I ask the driver to wait for me because I don't want to stay there long I want to get it over with quickly and go.

(me):

can you come down?

(yoongi):

why don't you come up?

(me):

I think its better when you come down Yoongi I don't want your mom to be worried or hears any of that were gonna talk.

He doesn't text back instead I just see the lights turning on from his window. A few minutes later he comes down. Oh my fucking lord he is so handsome. I want to run up to him and kiss him from head to toe. I want to be in his arms. I want us to go upstairs together and fall asleep together. I want to build a snowman with him. I want to be with him forever I love him he is the love of my life.

He comes up to me and smiles at me. He stands in front of me and we both don't say a word. His smile turns into a confused look he notices something is wrong. "Don't I get a kiss or a hug?" he asks me. My heart breaks into a thousand pieces. I would love to rip your clothes off Min Yoongi.

"I want to break up." Silence. Silence. Silence. Silence. "Yoongi say something?" I ask him. He says nothing. He looks at me with a blank look he is sad he is disappointed he is devastated just like me. "Yoongi please?". He does not speak.

"Yoongi, I'm sorry. I-i-I really love you I love you more than anything but I know that I can't give 100% in our relationship now. I just want us to be happy but I see that we are not. It could have been great during your time off but I can't be there for you... sooner or later it should have happened. I want to be with you but I can't anymore it was okay then but it's not okay now we're both famous you're in the biggest boy group in the world if anyone finds out we're together we'll be screwed. Especially me Yoongi. Female idols have it harder than male idols you know that. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time and I think this will be the best thing for us I-" he interrupts me.

"How dare you to tell me what's best for me? Do you have any idea what you're talking about y/n? Stop trying to tell me what's best for me when you know you're the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life god damn. I was going through a difficult time in my life and you were the only one who was there for me! And now you're telling me let’s break up because you're afraid people are gonna find out? And that they are gonna blame you? The fuck? Theres always two fucking persons in a relationship y/n! I also wanted that. I wanted you. Don’t you love me anymore? Why don’t you love me anymore? We hid our relationship for four fucking years why can't we hide it now?" he said yelling at me.

I am shocked and sad I want to die. I don't want to live in this life without Min Yoongi. But I know it's best for us I do it for him and his career too.

"Yes I don't love you anymore" were my last words before I left.

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A/N: damn y/n!!! did you just break up with the mf min yoongi? you better save your relationship! guys if you want a part two (with maybe a happy ending?) let me know! love you bye 🎀

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purplesurveys · 2 years

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1314

What was the year/make/model of the last car you drove? It’s a 2014 (or 2015??) Mitsubishi Mirage. I’m bad with years, especially when it comes to cars.

Have you ever been in weather below 0 Fahrenheit (-17 Celcius)? Nah, the coldest place I’ve been to must’ve only been at around 10ºC but I was already immensely struggling by then, as someone who deals with 30ºC++ weather on a daily basis.

What was the last thing you used your phone for, besides calling/texting? I was trying to figure out Starbucks’ system of collecting stickers to redeem their Christmas planners since they’re going completely digital this year; even the stickers are electronically provided now. Needless to say I hate the change in routine and I’m still struggling to catch up lol.

Do you have more male or female coworkers? Female. We have like 60 girls and literally 3 boys.

Did you enjoy high school? The latter part of it. The first half was terrible but I also had a hand in that experience since I was painfully shy and still claimed that I hated people.

What's an unusual food combination you like? Tilapia and mayonnaise, which I honestly don’t think is even that weird since some types of sushi makes use of mayo; but I’ve received some bizarre reactions from this combination in the past, so I guess it’s weird for others.

What's the longest stretch of time you've spent completely alone? Maybe something like 18-20 hours? I always have to show up to my family and go downstairs at some point every day, so I’ve never actually spent a literal full day alone. But the worst of it was after my breakup when I would only show up for dinner, then disappear again.

Have you ever lived in a studio apartment? No.

Did your parents allow you to drink soda when you were a kid? I think they would’ve allowed me in moderation; I just never liked soda from the start so it was something they never had to worry about.

Do you always check the prices of things when you buy groceries? Yup, because my parents are the ones who pay for the things I want.

Do you like gyoza? There’s a certain taste in it that comes out that I don’t actually particularly like (chives maybe??? I never can seem to place it), so I never order gyoza. I only have it when someone else in the family or among my friends gets it, in the hopes that I’ll start liking it, but it never works out.

Have you ever been in a situation where you needed a lawyer? Nah.

Do you use Instagram? If so, what's your current profile pic? It’s a photo of me taken in Tagaytay, but it was shot like 2 years ago lmao so I have to change it soon.

Did you ever go through an emo or goth phase? Not really.

What are your thoughts on kids being given iPads to keep them entertained? I think it really just becomes an issue the moment it becomes the parents’ be-all and end-all to pacify the kid. I honestly have no problem with giving kids a few hours of screentime, as long as they don’t pick up a habit of throwing a tantrum once it has to be taken away from them, or as long as they don’t pick up any bad practices from whatever they watch.

Do you get regular check-ups with your doctor? No.

What was the last thing you felt apprehensive about? I was managing physical interviews yesterday and I was just worrying about the personality we were handling, since they repeatedly mentioned they were extremely camera shy and wasn’t used to interviews. My anxiety went overboard when they asked for alcohol before the interviews to calm their nerves and quickly started smelling of whiskey lmfao...the things you encounter in PR. Anyway it went mostly well, but this person still definitely needs some practice being able to answer concisely because he had definitely been in Ramble City.

How many nights per week do you cook dinner at home vs. going out to eat? I only get food delivery 1-2 times a week, usually on Friday evenings.

What's a trend you've seen recently that you thought was really dumb? There’s a new TikTok prompt wherein teens would get in a line and take turns namedropping the labels they’re wearing. So for example a person can go “Valentino, Balenciaga, Nike” then the next would go “Zara, Uniqlo, couture” so on and so forth until everyone has had their turn. It’s your typical trend of teens wanting to flex what they have and as a washed up 23 year old...I’m just...over it lmao.

Do you know anyone who has been evicted? Nope.

When did you last wash your sheets and pillowcases? The other day.

Have you kissed more than 10 people in the past 10 years? Nopes.

Have you ever been caught outdoors away from shelter during a thunderstorm? Yeah.

Did you leave the house before 10 AM yesterday? I did; I was out of the house by 7 AM since I needed to do out-of-office stuff.

What's your favorite macaron flavor? I’m a fan of any chocolate variant. How often do you have friends over to your house? Just once every few months; usually when BTS has an online concert.

Have you ever had a boss who acted unprofessionally? No. My bosses and I are all friends, but we’re able to keep professional when dealing with work.

How many times have you stayed at a hotel in the past year, and where? Just once, when I went to a resort in Zambales with my co-workers a few weeks ago. I did go out of town with my family at the start of the year but we just Airbnb’d a condo.

What kind of technological advancements do you expect there to be 100 years from now? Maybe colonizing Mars to some extent? If not that far, I’m sure we’d have learned a bit more about outer space and its origins anyway. 100 years is a large span of time.

Have you ever done a flip on a trampoline? Nah, too scared.

What about a flip off of a diving board? Nope, also too scared.

What was the last hot beverage you had? I don’t remember; I hate hot drinks.

#survey #surveys

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johannesviii · 4 years

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Top 12 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2014

The “least good” of the three best years of the 2010s. This is still a top 12. Because I can, and I will.

I know. People also call it a bad year. And I think they’re wrong.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

New job, which is the one I still have currently. Also, I discovered Doctor Who in December 2013 and you know exactly what happened in 2014 because I dived head first into the extended universe as soon as I finished New Who and I’ve never really recovered since then. The end of the year was highly stressful, with my cat being sick, my father needing a very dangerous surgical intervention, and me being so stressed out I was basically unable to sleep for days. Might explain why there’s a lot of cute songs on this list, I needed cute stuff.

That year wasn’t very generous in good albums from bands I liked. Epica released The Quantum Enigma, and it was okay, Within Temptation had Hydra, and it was also okay, and Coldplay had the very underrated (in my opinion at least) Ghost Stories, a mostly melancholic album full of bittersweet post-breakup songs. So I’m left with no choice but to declare The Birthday Massacre’s album Superstition my album of the year for 2014. They had stayed at a consistent level since Pins And Needles so I wasn’t expecting anything better from them, but boy do they delivered. Here is Divide, it’s about a subterranean world and it might be a metaphor but as you know I’m very literal-minded! Here’s Beyond, about a lady falling in love with a strange woman who might be some sort of fae or supernatural entity!! I love most of the album and there’s only one subpar song on it. I know they’ll never get a crossover hit but they’d deserve it so much. Look at the state of the world. We’re so ready for a new mainstream wave of energetic, angsty, weird music. Just bring it on.

There’s only one non-elligible song that truely pisses me off this time, and it’s Traffic Girl by Indochine, another single from their Black City Parade album. It’s about a policewoman in North Korea who has to wave and smile at non existant traffic all day long and the song presents her as a modern hero. It’s one of my favorite songs on the album and I’m so mad it didn’t make the French year-end list.

Here’s a list of honorable menti-holy shit why is this list so long

Albatraoz (AronChupa) - Riiiiiight at the limit between catchy and annoying. But it’s blissfully short.

Chandelier (Sia) - I would like this more if it wasn’t that painful to listen to, I swear.

Magic in the Air (Magic System) - Insert my usual comment about these guys and their fun & happy songs.

Un Jour Au Mauvais Endroit (Calogero) - Great music, good lyrics. It’s still Calogero and I tend to dislike how overdramatic he usually is. Not enough to ruin that one song for me though.

Je Garde le Sourire (Black M) - This isn’t the last time he’s gonna appear in this post.

Prayer In C (Lilly Wood & The Prick) - A bit repetitive but in a good way.

Budapest (Georges Ezra) - A bit repetitive but in a good way 2, the return but in a completely different genre.

The Monster (Eminem & Rihanna) - We’ve now entered the songs which I considered putting on the list, and yeah, there’s a lot of them even if this is a top 12. “Bad year for pop music”. Yeah. Right.

Addicted To You (Avicii) - This is good, and the music video is great, and I want to stop feeling emotional about Avicii. Please.

Don’t Tell Em (Jeremih) - I. Uh. What the f█ck. Okay. There’s no way I can justify this. I simply adore this beat even if the lyrics are really, really bad. It’s just visually stunning and I really wish the song itself was better.

Photomaton (Jabberwocky) - I don’t think this would have charted without the success of Kavinsky the previous year. But still. Wonderful stuff. Well deserved.

Madame Pavoshko (Black M) - This was on the first version of the list but in the end I really had no room left for it. It’s a song about a guy telling his old teacher he made it in life despite the fact she labelled him a hopeless case at school. With such a premise, it could be an angry song, but no, it’s upbeat, sarcastic and fun. Wonderful stuff.

Le Graal (Kyo) - Kyo? Wait, you mean the embarrassing emo guys from my 2002 and 2003 lists? These guys?? They were back on the charts after ten years?? And suddenly everyone thought it was cool to like them again?? Including me??? Sounds fake but okay

Turn Down For What (DJ Snake) - The last cut. Stim music at its finest, sharp, aggressive and colorful. Everything I ever wanted from a hit song.

Well, that was long. Here’s the actual list.

12 - Wake Me Up (Avicii)

US: #22 / FR: Not on the list

“So wake me up when it’s all over, when I’m wiser and I’m older” should make no sense. You can’t get wiser if you’re asleep. At least that’s what I would probably say if I didn’t feel this. There’s a lot of times in my life I wished I could be switched off and woken up a couple of years later and be like “hello I’m back, I feel better now, what did I miss”. I totally get it.

The only reason this song is so low on the list is the drop. I don’t like it very much. The rest is damn good.

11 - Boom Clap (Charlie XCX)

US: #34 / FR: #84

Boom! Boom! Boom! CLAP. That song got me after its first seconds. Love its atmosphere, very cotton candy-like, very fluffy, with a sharp voice. Doesn’t work well if you listen to it on a loop, though, and that’s the only negative thing I can say against it.

10 - Stay The Night (Zedd)

US: #94 / FR: Not on the list

This on the other hand works very well on repeat and that drop is golden. I’m afraid I don’t have anything very interesting to say about it. It stayed on my playlist from 2014 to summer 2019, though, so that’s an impressive feat.

9 - Rather Be (Clean Bandit)

US: #41 / FR: #18

Several critics I follow have commented this song is 1) mostly meaningless 2) too perfect to say anything about it and I agree. It’s also too perfect to be really passionate about it, unfortunately, but still, very, very good stuff.

8 - Magic (Coldplay)

US: Not on the list / FR: #66

You already know I don’t really like lowkey emotional songs and I also hate the first act of Coldplay’s career, so why on earth did I like Ghost Stories so much and why is Magic making me feel so emotional, you ask? Well it’s because the music itself isn’t bland. It’s lowkey but rich, dense and colourful, and it works much better than whatever they were doing before with their slow boring songs. Also, I really struggle with dramatic vocal performances on quiet emotional songs (which is why I tend to have issues with Adele’s voice on some of her stuff), and here the balance is just ideal. Soft colors, soft textures, soft voice, this is like a colorful plushie you’ve lost for years and just found in the attic and it brings you to tears. I adore it.

Also the part of the lyrics that goes “And if you were to ask me / After all that we've been through / Still believe in magic? / Oh yes I do”, that makes me want to hug someone and never let go.

7 - Waves (Mr Probz)

US: Not on the list / FR: #15

This is completely hypnotic. It’s perfect to drive, to walk, to draw. to sit on a bench and look at the trees. It’s just wave after wave of pastel colors with a good beat and it washes away your anxiety slowly but surely. Therapeutic and beautiful without ever feeling bland. Wonderful stuff.

6 - Uptown Funk (Bruno Mars & Mark Ronson)

US: Not on the list (#1 on the 2015 year-end list) / FR: #3

Everyone loved it and I wasn’t an exception. You all know it and I’ve got nothing new or interesting to say about it. A ton of fun. Love the lyrics.

5 - Sur Ma Route (Black M)

US: Not on the list / FR: #7

If you’re wondering what’s going on in this picture, the guy is parodying a lot of famous movies or series in the music video. It’s a simple but super energetic song about trying to trace your own road in life and all the problems you encounter and how you can’t always count on people you thought were your friends. It’s very propulsive and motivating and it’s my favorite song from that guy even though he made a lot of good songs. Just great stuff. Check it out if you’ve never heard it.

Speaking of being on your own...

4 - Ain’t It Fun (Paramore)

US: #47 / FR: Not on the list

I miss hearing that kind of thing on the radio and yes, I’m aware that makes me sound like an old idiot. Oh how I wish this had been released in 2010 when I just started to work, that would have been perfect. I know the song is supposed to be sarcastic with the whole “ain’t it fun being on your own” angle, but yeah, when your life wasn’t great before, it’s actually liberating to “live in the real world”, even if it sucks at times, even if it’s difficult and you have responsibilities and all.

Also the music video is super cute. Love it.

3 - Pompeii (Bastille)

US: #12 / FR: Not on the list

I’m honestly surprised this is only #3 on this list considering how much I loved this one back when it came out, and don’t get me wrong, it’s still a song I love to this day, just... a bit less. Maybe it’s because of overplay? I’m not exactly sure considering #1 was also played very often and I never ever got tired of it. And it’s well written, and it’s not every day that you hear a song about two dead people talking about the wrath of the gods after their city was engulfed in ash.

So yeah. Not sure what happened there. I hope this band is eventually gonna have another hit like this one. Bastille, more of Pompeii and less of Happier, please.

2 - Dangerous (David Guetta)

US: Not on the list / FR: #8

A few months ago I heard Memories by Maroon 5 and I was instantly filled with a truely disproportionate amount of rage for such a bland pop song. See, I love it when music uses well-known classical tunes and completely changes their context and tone, but Memories doesn’t do any of that, it’s just the Pachelbel canon with some bad lyrics on top. So yeah, it’s a pet peeve.

Dangerous, on the other hand, is a song mixing a small loop of Toccata & Fugue in D minor and it basically uses it as an ominous pseudo-police siren in a song about illegally cruising a car with your possibly criminal, possibly gangster crush and not knowing if you’re scared, in love or feeling the thrill of adventure, or all of that at once. I. Love this damn song.

When the only bad thing I have to say about a song talking about driving at night way too fast is “eh this isn’t as good as Kavinsky”, you know you’ve found gold.

1 - A Sky Full of Stars (Coldplay & Avicii)

US: #51 / FR: #9

As much as I love Dangerous, there wasn’t any doubt about what would top this list. I’ve spent about ten lists explaining how my appreciation of Coldplay kept growing over time and four lists explaining how much I loved Avicii, and this song is the best of both worlds. The first time I heard it, I was driving and, no joke, I was so overwhelmed I had to park my car to properly concentrate on the song.

One day I will have to paint this song to explain how fantastic it looks and I’d have to use purple, china blue and pink watercolor inks and basically paint a psychedelic night sky full of little lights and yeah, this is basically another of these songs that are deeply satisfying on a synesthetic level, and it joins this very select club with the blue song called “Blue”, the song full of bright flashes called “Lights” and the song that looks like gentle pulsing lights called “Fireflies”. I’m trying (and failing) to learn how to play it on the piano. I know the chords, and I suck, but I’m very determined.

On top of that deeply satisfying visual, there’s the soft vocals so specific of the Ghost Stories album, and the very simple, very cute lyrics, and I simply hear “'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars, I'm gonna give you my heart” and I die instantly. This is high quality musical fluff. Come to think of it, this list is full of it, and this is the Ultimate Fluffy Song. One fluff to rule them all.

Sidenote, considering I fell into the DW audios right when this song came out, that’s one of my theme songs for Eight and Charley. Because of course it is.

Next up: The beginning of a progressive drop in quality but you wouldn’t be able to tell considering how long this list of honorable mentions is

#Johannes’ bad not good pretty terrible music lists #music #long post #eye contact tw

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czarbok · 4 years

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rant with a huge tw// ed

i never thought that i would be the one to develop an eating disorder, especially at the current age i’m at. when i was 8, i kinda suffered from an anxiety-induced food aversion which would make me not eat in fear of choking/throwing up. because of this, i was underweight for a good chunk of time. from about third grade until 8th grade, i was very scrawny; my friends mom would constantly say i had toothpick legs and my grandma would call me a skinny minnie lmao.

i had a huge appetite and a metabolism that was even faster through these years. i had shaken off my food aversion by fifth grade but never managed to gain an excess amount of weight. i didn’t hit 100 pounds until seventh grade and it was partially because i was going through puberty and growing. i still got my period on time because i was eating frequently. i ate a lot of junk food and huge servings of meals but never seemed to gain weight. people envied me.

by ninth grade, i was still really skinny. a-cups for my bra, toothpick legs, ankles that i could almost wrap my fingers around, the whole bit. i was getting into more muscle-building sports at this time. in jr. high, i ran track and cross-country but i gave both of them up for softball and soccer respectively. as much as i liked to think i was gaining muscle, i still looked like a stick. i looked awkward and stringy in all of my uniforms. the best way to describe how i looked is a praying mantis.

in ninth grade, i had also gotten my first boyfriend. he was a year older than me and he was more experienced than me. he was on the wrestling team so he frequently had to cut weight and cutting weight meant skipping meals and binging and purging. dinners at his house were awkward because i would be eating a huge plate of food and he would eat nothing. because he was lactose intolerant, he would eat large portions of ice cream and dairy products just to shit out the weight. he wasn’t that much heavier than me which i felt like it bothered him because that’s just the type of person he was. i never weighed myself at this time because the scale was always kept in my parents’ room and it was never right. i only got weighed at my yearly physicals.

the following summer, my boyfriend had broken up with me and i was devastated. i would lock myself in my room and only come out for basketball or soccer. i also ate less because my forming depression made it hard for me to get an appetite. i don’t know if i lost any weight, because again, i wasn’t weighing myself. i tried to get more involved with soccer, constantly practicing and honing my skills as a goalkeeper. i was also honing my skills in basketball summer league because i wanted to be on varsity in the coming year.

i had petty feuds with my first ex-boyfriend that whole summer and into my sophomore year of high schools but by the time school came back in, we seemed to become “friends”. at this time, i had also met my second boyfriend through mutual loves of music and soccer. he was overweight but i didn’t care. i really liked who he was as a person. he made me laugh and made me feel better about my breakup. he acted like a therapist and a best friend to me. but we didn’t start officially dating until february of our sophomore year.

before that, we were really close friends. we made fun of a boy i dated for a month and my first ex-boyfriend. we hung out a lot at his house and he made me feel like my world was getting put back together. i had won second team all-conference in soccer as sophomore, one of the first to do so, and i was excelling in basketball making a promising effort to be on varsity.

then i went to the doctor for on-going foot pains. my doctor told me that my foot had been broken for three years because of a basketball injury. the bone and joint had decayed and rotted and i needed to do something about it if i wanted to continue to play sports. i obliged because i wanted the attention that my foot injury would bring me, especially for my ex-boyfriend. so november 2015, i had surgery on my foot. i had an artificial joint put in my foot at the age of 15 and my doctor promised that i wouldn’t have to worry about it for 15 years if i followed through with physical therapy.

i got out of the hospital the same night and went home with all sorts of drugs including vicodin, antibiotics, and anti-imflamatories. drew, my friend and second boyfriend, was always a text away to keep my spirits up. i was out of basketball for a month and a half and lost my varsity jersey because there was no point in me having it. that wrecked me and it wrecked me even more that i couldn’t play with my best friends. i sunk into a depression that made me question if i even wanted to return from sports.

my weight wasn’t a concern to me because i never worried about it. i went through countless hours of pt in the early mornings before school so that i could get back on the court quicker. it was painful and constantly made me tired because my endurance and energy had diminished since i was put out. but i still didn’t notice my weight.

i returned to basketball in late december, winded and hesitant. i galloped when i ran in fear of destroying my new joint but i looked more fluid and confident than i ever had before. drew and i were increasingly becoming closer but i was increasingly becoming more and more suicidal.

january 1, 2016, my dad’s best friends and a very close friend to my family suddenly died in his sleep. we had actually been at his house for new years that night and now he was dead. it shook my family to the core. it brought out a side of my father that i had never seen before. he came into my room crying and hugged me, saying that he didn’t know what he was going to do without him. i was heartbroken and sunk into an even deeper depression. we spent a lot of time at his house, helping his now widowed wife and sons— two were adults, one was a senior in high school, the other in 8th grade and best friends with my sister. the calling hours rocked me as some of his favorite music blasted through his alma mater. one of them had been rose tattoo by the dropkick murphys, one of my favorite songs at the time. i still can’t listen to it. another song was the devil in i by slipknot which played frequently on my family’s favorite radio station; if it came on, the station would immediately be switched.

again, drew helped me cope and we were getting more intimate. we still joked about our exes and had fun but we were becoming closer than friends. by late january, i contracted mono for the first time and lost my appetite for over a week. i probably lost a lot of weight, but again, it wasn’t a concern.

i had also been trying to get my drivers license through february, taking the required classes and trying to schedule in-cars. ohio is a bitch state to get your license in. by february, drew and i were official and he urged me to get my license so i could take him places. i frequently broke down because i was so overwhelmed with recovering from an injury, recovering from mono, now softball, and school. drew urged me to see a therapist because i had frequent suicidal thoughts that worried him.

it wasn’t until may of 2016 that i received my diagnosis of depression. i was put on a low dose of serafem and put on suicide watch for that week because my mental health was so bad. my relationship was drew was getting rocky; i was starting to distrust him and he seemed to want to do everything without me. i finally finished the in-class session of my drivers test and passed but i still had to do in-cars before i could take my test.

that same month, my mom forced me to go to the obgyn to get on birth control because she thought i was sexually active with drew. (technically we weren’t). i had heard rumors that birth control caused weight gain but i wasn’t concerned, i got on it anyways. i was very strict with the time that i took it for about a year before not caring. i still take it every night, just not at the same time lmao. i didn’t realize it, but i started gaining weight.

drew broke up with me in mid-july of 2016 and i wanted to kill myself. and i tried. taking the vicodin i had from my foot surgery, i tried to od but only woke up from it in the middle of the night, devastated that i was still alive. but then i thought, who would take care of kojack, my cat, if i died? he would most certainly be kicked out of my house for his poor use of the litterbox. so i held off trying again. i finally got my drivers license and it stated that my weight was 125 lbs.

i went to my psychiatrist once a month where i rarely received an up in my antidepressants. i was only on 20 mgs of prozac for two years and i struggled heavily. my psych constantly treated me like a child and never really helped me with anything. so i stopped going but my prescriptions continued.

it was probably a mix between the prozac and birth control that made me gain weight. i ballooned to 135 my junior year of high school but i was still active in sports yearround. in november of my junior year, i started dating a close friend who was also a wrestler. we were also sexually exclusive. this boyfriend didn’t have to cut weight nearly as much as my first boyfriend but he didn’t eat. i began to gain muscle and was making a name for myself in athletics, winning all conference recognition in all three sports.

my paternal grandmother ended up passing away from what i think is medical malpractice in november of 2016. i was very close to her. she was my sisters and i’s babysitter growing up and she was always at our sporting events. we had been in buffalo, new york with my mom’s family when we heard the news that she was dying. early in the morning, my mom rushed us back home to ohio, worried that she would die before we got there. we had gotten there in two hours, a record if i had ever seen and she died shortly after we got there. i never went into the room. i saw my mom hold her hand as she took her last breath and my grandpa pacing and crying as she departed. i was shaken. but then i wasn’t. she didn’t die, i was sure of it. i never accepted that she had died becuase she was so prominent in my life. i made jokes about her passing but it never seemed like she died.

the boyfriend ended up breaking up with me after a wrestling meet after ignoring me all day. i was heartbroken but got over myself quicker than the other breakups. there was nothing between us but sex. at this time, i was starting to realize that my first boyfriend raped me, but i don’t want to get into that.

the summer of 2017 was a whirlwind. i was going around, trying to find someone to fill my sexual needs by disguising it and saying i wanted a boyfriend. i was in the best shape of my life. i was healthy and muscular. i ended up fucking one of my best friends and ruining our friendship right before my senior year started but i wasn’t too bothered by it.

in early september of 2017, i began talking to someone. i had actually met this guy at a cage the elephant concert with drew when he was dating someone else. i honestly thought he was weird and looked way older than he was. he also frequently told me that he loved me despite not really knowing me. either way i was freaked out but decided to give this guy a chance because of mutual interests. we started dating in late september of 2017 and i had never been happier. we’re still dating to this day and we’re currently living together.

donovan and i ate out frequently our first year of dating. i was taking my antideppressants on and off. i went from 130 lbs to 135 that year because we ate greasy foods, ate out a lot, ate a lot of junk food, and drank a lot of pop. i was ignorant to my weight gain but noticed it a bit once my last season of softball rolled around. i had committed to my college for soccer but wanted to play softball still because i loved it and was good at it. my uniform pants felt tighter.

it didn’t look like i had gained weight under clothes. i still fit in jeans i wore through freshman year but my stomach had definitely gained mass. i noticed this when we took a trip to the beach in late may and donovan took pictures of me. but i wasn’t bothered.

over the summer of 2018, i managed to take that mass off my stomach with soccer workouts to prep me for my upcoming collegiate soccer season. i also got my first job as a hostess which left me hungry because i couldn’t eat on the job. however, this led to binging after work and workouts but i still looked trim.

august came and i moved into college. i was destraught moving away from my friends and family despite being only 20 mins from my hometown. the girls on the soccer team were less than welcoming to me and preseason was hell. i was placed on the reserves because my coach told me freshman year would be a developmental year to get me out of bad habits. i accepted. afterall, he did have an all-conference goalie starting. i worked hard despite not wanting to be there. i lost interest in soccer and started eating more again. my teammates constantly talked about me behind my back and i didn’t feel safe. i also contracted mono for a third time which sat me out of soccer for nearly two weeks. i came back winded and exhausted. even though i was sick, i still went to every home game and practice to support. i played in one last game before my foot joint gave out on me again. i was put in a boot and lost the rest of the season.

i had been in a boot before because of my foot joint since the surgery but something about this was different. anyways, i went up to my coach after the season had ended and announced that i would not be continuing on the soccer team for various reasons including my mental health. he tried to convince me otherwise but i quit. i ended up meeting with the lacrosse coach and joining that team instead. lacrosse seemed fun and it would be a challenge for me to pick up a sport i never played.

but i was gaining weight. the scale never showed but again, my stomach became prominent and chubbier because i was eating. in december, i went to a different nurse practicioner to get on meds again. the np would end up changing my meds every month and i would be put on four different antidepressants before my sophmore year of college.

between soccer and lacrosse, i began lifting more and running less. i wasn’t concerned with my endurance because it always seemed to be with me despite sickness and injuries. i put on muscle in my legs and arms and my stomach managed to slim down again before lacrosse started. by the time my freshman season of lacrosse started, i could cradle and pass decently for someone who had never played before but i couldn’t catch so my coach put me on defense to avoid me having to catch a pass.

once lacrosse ended in late april, i didn’t want to put on any weight so i began running. i started running a mile everyday through the summer which turned into a mile and a half everyday to two miles. i ran two miles almost everyday over the summer to keep in shape. i was also switching and adding meds and going to therapy as well. by the time my sophomore year of college rolled around, i was on klonopin, abilify, cymbalta, and strattera/vyvanse.

i maintained 135 lbs throughout these couple of years despite med changes and birth control. my sophomore year of lacrosse was going to be my breakout year because i had spent so much time improving my skills. sophomore year started out great. fallball was fantastic. i had taken leaps and bounds in improvement since april. i love lacrosse and wanted to be better than i was the day before.

in late october, i went to sleep with a stomachache that i dismissed as gas pains. i woke up frequently in pain and just thought i had to poop. going to the bathroom did not alleviate the pain. the pain had also shifted to the right side of my stomach. so i did some googling and saw that my symptoms mirrored a burst appendix. so i woke up donovan and we drove to the hospital at 3 am. through testing and scans, the doctors told me my appendix was imflamed and would need to be taken out before it burst. so later that afternoon, i received my second surgery.

after the surgery, i was extremely bloated from the air they had to pump into my stomach for the procedure. i was sure it was going to go away with walking and other techniques to get it out. it never did. i started lifting with the lacrosse team a week and a half later and followed up with my surgeon two weeks after the surgery. he weighed me and i weighed a whopping 140 lbs. i was shocked but brushed it off as i had all my clothes on and a jacket.

then i got home and weighed myself. 140. it couldn’t be. i had never weighed that much in my entire life. how did one surgery cause me to gain five pounds? i became obsessive over my weight going into november. i started working out five days a week instead of three but my weight never changed. going into december i started eating less but my weight fluctuated between 140 and 137 frequently. i ran more disntance and put more effort into lifting. i was constantly breaking down into tears because i just wanted to be skinny again. donovan tried to assure me that i was still skinny and looked great but i knew i didn’t. i looked gross and pudgy.

i started wearing baggier clothes and set up times where i would stop eating. 9 pm seemed like a realistic time to cut off eating so i did that. around christmastime, i contracted mono again and lost my appetite. because of this, i lost five pounds. i was estatic. finally, after two months of fretting about being 140, i was back at 135lbs. but then i was at 133lbs, then 132lbs before i realized that i hadn’t been this low in weight since high school.

so i started schedule eating once this semester rolled around. tiktok was giving me ideas to restrict calories and to fast and other borderline eating disorder ideas. i complied. i eat at noon, again at dinnertime which has to be later than 6pm, and then a snack before 9pm. by january, i was under 130lbs, which i hadn’t seen since sophomore year of high school. i was so happy and proud of myself. with running everyday and restricting the times that i ate, i had lost ten pounds in two months,

lacrosse came in late january and we weren’t doing as much conditioning as we had the previous year. i was worried that this would make me gain weight so i ran before practices some days and after practices on others. my weight dropped again to 125lbs, my goal, the weight my drivers license stated.

i was so happy i hit my goal but then i realized, what if i kept going? if it’s this easy, why stop here? i didn’t want to gain the weight back that i lost. plus everyone was saying how great i looked because i lost weight. tiktok videos came up encouraging me to lose weight. i weighed myself twice a day to see progress. my new psychiatrist and therapist weren’t keen on this and warned me to ditch the scale before this escalated into a fullblown eating disorder. i ignored them. i want to be skinnier, i want to look and feel great. i don’t want to be the weight that i used to be.

recently i downloaded myfitnesspal to track calories and calories that i burn with workouts. it says i should consume 1,390 calories a day if i want to lose a pound a week. with the workouts that i do, it wants me to eat more. i’ve been sticking around and eating no more than 1,000 calories a day with its frequent warnings of unhealthy weightloss. and maybe i’ve been lying to it because my weight sometimes fluctuates which i hate. i almost cried the other night because my weight was 124 lbs. my lowest so far has been 120lbs. donovan and my therapist are the only ones who know about my struggles with eating. my relationship with food has become dangerous. i hate eating and dread when the scheduled time to eat comes around. i hate the person i’ve become and at the same time, i don’t want to stop this habit.

#rants /#long post #tw// eating disorder #tw//ed #tw ed #do not reblog #dn reblog

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fflickerofhope · 5 years

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Over again: Chapter 1

Based off of this amazing thread of prompts!

Alllll Narry

10:21 PM

Saturday September 15th, 2018

London, UK

NIALL

Beep………..beep…………beep………

The sound of the heart monitors mimicked my heartbeat as I walked down the hall of the hospital. I was practically tripping over my own feet as I tried to slow myself down from sprinting to the end of the hall.

“Last door on the left”. The phrase the nurse said repeating over and over in my head. I was oblivious to everything around me, tunnel vision on the wood door.

As I got closer I could see Anne leaning against the doorway with bloodshot eyes, sniffling into the phone pressed against her face. When she had called me, she apologized incessantly, knowing the pain it would bring me, but I was the first person she thought of to call, after Gemma of course.

“Oh darling, thank you for coming” Anne spoke softly in my ear as she put her phone down and embraced me. My body went stiff, not being able to speak from what I was about to walk in to. It had been nearly three years since I had seen her, and while I had loved her as my own mother, the circumstances of our reunion were unfortunate. “I’m talking to Camille. She’s in Paris but catching a flight back in the morning. You can head in, Gem’s there.”

So I guess Camille is still a thing. There hasn’t been much media on them recently, and that being my only way of staying updated on his life, I always had questions. I tried not to care, tried not to pay attention to the press, the girls. Didn’t even watch Dunkirk. But there was something about just hearing his name that made my heart freeze in my chest and my mind dart back to a place that once was.

Earlier that night

9:47 PM

“…..you know I’m really getting sick of this Ni” Hailee said into the phone frustrated.

“I know, it’s not that sim-“ I started, cut off by another line ringing in. I brought my phone from my ear to check the screen only to see Anne calling. Definitely the last person I ever thought I’d get a call from at almost 10 pm on a Saturday.

“Niall?”

“I, I gotta go, I’ll call ya back.”

I quickly ended the call with Hailee and picked up the call from Anne, anxiety instantly overcoming me. What could she possibly be calling me about for the first time in almost three years?

“Hello?” I answered timidly.

“Niall, darling, I’m so sorry to be bothering you at this hour. I know it’s been awhile, but it’s, it’s Harry, he’s –“

“What’s wrong” I instantly cut her off, panic washing over me. Even after all these years, I still cared deeply for Harry, and the thought of anything bad happening to him made me sick to my stomach.

“Honey he’s been in a car accident. Bad one. They have him stable now, but I thought you’d want to know, you know before the press got to it” Anne spoke softly, with pain in her voice.

As if it were 2015, my instincts kicked in and within seconds I was in my car. “I’m coming. Where is he? Where are you? I’ll be there soon.”

“We’re at St. Thomas’. Ring me when you get here, and drive safe darling, we can’t have anything happen to you too.”

As I hung up the phone, I felt tears welling in my eyes. Who am I? I haven’t thought about Harry in months. The sting was gone, I had Hailee now and I was happy, so I thought. My knuckles went white as I gripped the wheel and sped down the highway towards the hospital. I was thankful I had been in London this weekend, celebrating my 25thbirthday with friends and family, and was surprisingly home so early on a Saturday. The previous two nights had really done me in. I think it was the first year since the breakup that I wasn’t thinking about Harry on my birthday. How he knew me better than anyone, and subsequently always gave me the best presents. I still wear the vintage Eagles shirt he gifted me ages ago from the thrift store. It’s the one thing I can’t let go of.

I pulled up to the hospital minutes later, speeding into a parking space and jumping out of my car. It was only when I reached the door to the ER that I realized I had been running. I stopped to compose myself in an attempt to not show my emotions, and walked up to the front desk.

“I’m looking for Harry Styles?” I asked, out of breath.

“And you are? Oh, you’re, you’re –“ the nurse looked up at me knowingly and slightly surprised.

“Yes I am, now where’s Harry?” I snapped. I softened my face after realizing my harshness and apologized softly.

“To your right, last door on the left, Sir.”

I made my way around the corner immediately, my heart pounding in my chest. Anne said he was stable, but what does that even mean? Did he break anything? A gash to the head? Is he even awake? The worst possible scenarios came to mind as I trudged down the never ending hall.

And now here I am, after greeting Anne, standing in the doorway, looking at the lifeless body of my once lover, all scruffed and bandaged up with tubes and wires attached to every part of his body. Gemma sat next to him, head resting on the side of his bed, lulling in and out of sleep beneath the flickering fluorescent lights.

I crept up slowly and pulled a chair up next to Gemma, rubbing her back softly to not disturb her too much. “Hey Gem” I whispered.

She slowly lifted her head, blinking rapidly to adjust to the light and sniffled before realizing who I was. In that moment she threw her arms around me in such a warm embrace, it made me realize how much I not only missed Harry, but his family as well. “Oh Niall, thank you so much for coming” she breathed into my neck.

“Of course, of course, just glad I was in town. What’s his condition?” I asked, both wanting and not wanting to know the answer.

“Broken leg, two broken ribs, and a blow to the head. They concluded he has a concussion, but think brain damage is a serious possibility. They’ve put him in a medically induced coma for the night to keep him stable.”

Everything she told me took a minute to process as I looked over at the sleeping boy who was breathing through a machine. I reached out to touch his hand only to shiver at the cold skin I encountered.

Sunday, 9:15 AM

I woke up the next morning with my knees folded up to my chest, head resting against the window, in the most uncomfortable chair I’ve ever sat in. It felt like I was up all night, pacing the halls of the hospital, biting my nails, and looking for a sign of life in Harry. I must’ve been so wound up I didn’t realize I had fallen asleep.

“Niall darling, would you like some coffee?” Anne asked from the doorway. I noticed she had showered and changed and wondered if I was here alone all night. “Please.” I croaked out, clearing my throat.

I looked down at my phone to see 12 missed calls and 34 missed texts, mostly from Hailee. “Shit” I cursed under my breath, quick to text back an “I’m alright, I’ll explain later”.

The soft beeping of the heart monitor had me in a trance the rest of the morning. The three of us paced around the room waiting for an answer on Harry’s current state. Anne took calls from Jeff, Camille, and family. Gemma and I exchanged a few nostalgic stories, the ones I could handle talking about at least. After what felt like years, a doctor came in to check his vitals and decided he was stable enough to bring out of the coma.

“I want to warn you all that memory loss in common in cases like these. We don’t know how he will react when he wakes up, so please be mindful and let me ask him some questions to get started with” the doctor stated in an almost intimidating way.

Anne and Gemma sat at his bedside in anticipation while I backed myself into the corner, not wanting him to see me as he awoke. The process was slow and agonizing, but the first sign of an eyelash flutter and hand twitch had us all holding our breath. As he came to, Anne began to cry as Gemma held her close, watching over their family member. I watched from afar as Harry squinted his eyes open and landing on his crying mother beside him. He attempted a “Mum” but nothing came out after being hooked up to a breathing machine for nearly 24 hours. The look of confusion ran across his exhausted face, slowly turning to look up at the doctor quizzically.

“Mr. Styles,” he started, “you were in a car accident. You’ve been in the ICU at St Thomas’ since last night.”

I watched as panic set in Harry’s eyes. His breathing got heavier as he looked around and attempted to sit up, but fell back with a groan of pain. Anne reached her hand out to his arm in a soothing motherly way to try to calm him down.

“Mr. Styles, you need to stay still. You have a broken leg, two broken ribs, and a concussion.” Upon hearing those words, the panic didn’t fade from Harry. He tried to speak again with inaudible words until I heard a croaky “Where’s Niall?”.

My heart stopped. All I could hear was my heart pounding in my head. My eyes focused in on Harry as everyone else turned to face me. The first words out of his mouth after a coma were asking for me? Was he serious?

I stepped out of my corner timidly, and walked up to the end of the bed. My eyes were fixated on Harry’s face, watching his expression go from confusion and panicked, to relieved and emotional. Tears pricked his eyes as he lifted his arm up slightly to reach out for me. “Baby…” he whispered in my direction.

Baby. I hadn’t heard him call me that in three years. That word, coming out of his mouth, with that Cheshire accent, made my stomach drop. I instantly felt sick and stopped in my tracks as the years of our relationship flooded back to my mind. At that moment I couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as him, so I ran.

#harry styles #niall horan #narry #harry styles fic #niall horan fic #narry fanfic

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narrysgolden · 4 years

Text

Over again: Part 1

Based off of this amazing thread of prompts!

Narry

10:21 PM

Saturday September 15th, 2018

London, UK

NIALL

Beep………..beep…………beep………

“Last door on the left”. The phrase the nurse said repeating over and over in my head. I was oblivious to everything around me, tunnel vision on the wood door.

Earlier that night

9:47 PM

“…..you know I’m really getting sick of this Ni” Hailee said into the phone frustrated.

“Niall?”

“I, I gotta go, I’ll call ya back.”

I quickly ended the call with Hailee and picked up the call from Anne, anxiety instantly overcoming me. What could she possibly be calling me about for the first time in almost three years?

“Hello?” I answered timidly.

“Niall, darling, I’m so sorry to be bothering you at this hour. I know it’s been awhile, but it’s, it’s Harry, he’s –“

“Honey he’s been in a car accident. Bad one. They have him stable now, but I thought you’d want to know, you know before the press got to it” Anne spoke softly, with pain in her voice.

As if it were 2015, my instincts kicked in and within seconds I was in my car. “I’m coming. Where is he? Where are you? I’ll be there soon.”

“We’re at St. Thomas’. Ring me when you get here, and drive safe darling, we can’t have anything happen to you too.”

“I’m looking for Harry Styles?” I asked, out of breath.

“And you are? Oh, you’re, you’re –“ the nurse looked up at me knowingly and slightly surprised.

“Yes I am, now where’s Harry?” I snapped. I softened my face after realizing my harshness and apologized softly.

“To your right, last door on the left, Sir.”

I crept up slowly and pulled a chair up next to Gemma, rubbing her back softly to not disturb her too much. “Hey Gem” I whispered.

“Of course, of course, just glad I was in town. What’s his condition?” I asked, both wanting and not wanting to know the answer.

Sunday, 9:15 AM

I looked down at my phone to see 12 missed calls and 34 missed texts, mostly from Hailee. “Shit” I cursed under my breath, quick to text back an “I’m alright, I’ll explain later”.

“Mr. Styles,” he started, “you were in a car accident. You’ve been in the ICU at St Thomas’ since last night.”

#im reposting this here bcuz im about to post part 2 😊#harry styles #niall horan #narry fic #amnesia fic #over again #part 1

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twopoppies · 7 years

Photo

I got a fic request from one of my followers to give her a list of Larry fics with “a touch of art, medicine, and/or magical creatures".

It got awfully long mostly because I love magic fics, so I’ll put the recs under the cut. Also, I’m ashamed by how few Medical fics I’ve read! 🙈 Anyway, I hope you find some you enjoy!

Magical Creatures

May We Stay Lost On Our Way Home by loadedgunn

Harry thought he had a handle on things. He hasn’t gotten papped in over a month, even the most zealous of fans have given up on finding his location, the Fortress is starting to look hospitable, and Niall just learned how to make shrimp bisque. Even having a massive crush on a gorgeous mythical woodland creature was working out for him.

Most of the time.

On March 31st, Harry Styles disappears. Though many speculate, only two people know where to find him: Niall, his former guitarist, and Zayn, who follows where Niall leads.

The fact the biggest boy band in the world broke up two weeks earlier might be related to the disappearance. The fact Harry meets a fairy named Louis in the woods is a whole other matter.

(Liam is a centaur.)

Through Eerie Chaos by MediaWhore @mediawhorefics

For as long as anyone can remember, Old Hillsbridge Manor has always been believed to be haunted. Everyone in the village agrees and keeps a respectful, fearful, distance. New in town after a bad breakup and an internship that led to disappointment rather than a permanent job, Harry Styles figures taking pictures of the decrepit building could be a great new creative project. Or at least a much-needed distraction while he searches for a job and crashes at his parents’ new house. No one warned him about the apparitions though; about the music, the laughter, the people who flicker and vanish when you call after them, the echoes of a past that should be long gone… Harry has never believed in spirits but even he can admit that there’s something weird going on. What starts as mere curiosity evolves into a full-blown investigation and soon enough, Harry finds himself making friends with an aristocrat from the 1920s and struggling with finding the best way to tell him that he’s dead.

The Ghost Hunter AU where Niall lives to prove ghosts are real, Zayn is a skeptical librarian and Harry gets caught up in a century-old mystery and catches feeling in the process.

Coax The Cold by MediaWhore @mediawhorefics

England, 1897.

English Professor Louis Tomlinson’s passion for the occult has been a source of mockery and derision for most of his life. When he hears whispers of a travelling freak show newly established in London claiming the existence of a monstrous sea hybrid, half-man, half-fish, Louis sees it as his ticket to credibility amongst his peers. The summer he spends undercover working on the show, however, gives him much more than that.

The Devil You Know by Awriterwrites @a-writerwrites

Harry walked slowly to the door, an eerie sense of déjà vu rolling over him. “Who is it?” he called out through the varnished maple.

“Can Harry come out to play?” The voice on the other side of the door was light and airy, musical, with a raspy edge.

Louis.

Harry felt his pulse race a little before he found words. “Harry’s not home right now.” He smirked.

There was a pause and then a light tap-tap-tap on the door, right at Harry’s ear. “Bullshit.”

**** Louis is a vampire. Harry is probably too curious for his own good.

Waiting On You by emma1234 @lads-laddylads

“Vampires,” Louis says with disgust, glaring over at the vampire who is noisily slurping from the woman’s neck nearby.

Zayn gives the neat fang marks on Louis’ neck a meaningful look.

“Can’t live with them, can’t live without them,” Louis finishes, ignoring Zayn when he rolls his eyes.

Louis takes a long sip of his milkshake, presses his fingers against the marks on his neck, and definitely doesn’t think about the vampire who left them there.

love is divine by stylinsoncity ( @alienproof )

Being a witch doesn't help when it comes to unrequited love.

as we move slowly by snsk

"You know what color your wings are?" Harry asked conversationally, on his stomach at the tattoo parlor, while Louis played absentmindedly with one dangling hand and flipped through some designs.

// Alternatively: Louis grows wings. Harry is the only one who can see them.

Domestic Monsters (series) by @g-uttertrash

Harry is a witch from a long line of power, an ancient line that’s one of the strongest left alive in their hemisphere. He can cast spells without a word if need be, fly on a broomstick, and has a black cat (a kitten, really) named Felix that is his animal familiar. He can shape galaxies in his cupped hands and can destroy them just as easily. He can choose exactly how to use his power, for encouragement and support, or for more nefarious causes if he wishes to.

And as fate would have it, he’s scared of haunted houses.

(Harry is a witch who carries around a stuffed pumpkin, Louis is a vampire with too much time on his hands, and their best mates Zayn & Niall aren't exactly what they seem...

I Will Never Rust by stylez

What was Harry meant to say? Yes Louis, I’d date you. I want to make you come repeatedly so that must mean I have a thing for you yeah? No. Because it doesn’t mean that, because Harry refuses to get attached to anyone he wants to fuck.

Harry wants to suck more than just Louis’ blood but Louis refuses to sleep with Count Dickula.

Among The Humans by @the-cheshire-pussy-cat

A gothic, modern day vampire romance between a young human named Louis Tomlinson, and Harry Styles, ancient vampire and gentleman.

Creatures of the night come with more trouble than they wish to make it seem.

finding you was hard (but loving you is easy) by togetherwecouldbealright

An incredibly shameless vampire!AU filled with stupid jokes, endless dates, flappy bird, a bro man dude pal sleepover thing and there also might be some sex in strange places.

Also known as the one where everyone is a vampire, Louis is oblivious and somewhere along the way it becomes a bit too much like Twilight.

Then a string of thoughts make themselves clear in Louis’ head. First, Harry is a vampire. Second, Louis is a dumbass. Third, Louis is also unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. Fourth, he’s pretty sure he just quoted the back of the Twilight book.

We’ve got the world in our hands by sarcasticfluentry

A mutants/superpowers AU. Louis and his friends attend the Cowell Institute for General Education and Mutant Training in London; when Louis meets Harry, the newest student at the Cowell Institute, he immediately recruits Harry to help play matchmaker for his friend Zayn. Harry and Louis are so caught up in meddling in Zayn's love life, though, that they don't notice that their own friendship is progressing into something more. Meanwhile, an ominous threat up north grows slowly until suddenly, no mutant - or human - is safe.

Magic

because I don’t know that many magical creatures fics, but these ones are magical and are so good as well!

ain’t had none like you in a while by istajmaal

It kind of sucks that instead of using time travel to go back and kill Hitler, Simon Cowell chooses to use it to get his clients to advise younger versions of themselves. Sixteen-year-old Harry's not bitter, it's just that his relationship with Louis was complicated enough before he saw him with hot dad hair.

One day to believe in you by mediaville

A mysterious force compels Louis to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Even when it's really inconvenient.

Harry blinks and has the nerve to look surprised. "You think about me when you get off?"

"Yes," Louis says. He wonders how hard he'd need to punch himself in the face to knock himself out.

"Often?"

"Yes, Christ, Harry," Louis groans. "Probably eight times a week for going on six years now. On average, you know. More when we were touring, less when I've been visiting family. Anything else you'd like to know?"

the bearded stranger by @juliusschmidt

Harry wakes up to a bearded stranger in his bed.

(Make You Want To) Scream by @lululawrence

While Louis' left hand plays with his nipple, his right reaches down and wraps around his dick and that's when he really knows something is wrong.

The dick in his hand does not feel like his own.

like a boomerang by @youwill

AU in which Harry gets trapped in a lift, Louis gets stuck in a Wednesday, and it's always February 2nd. Until it isn't.

I’ll Know My Name As It’s Called Again by pukeandcry

Louis wakes up in Harry's body. This is a problem for several reasons.

the impossible now by stylinsoncity @alienproof

A wish on Christmas Eve sends Louis to an alternate dimension where Harry is a member of One Direction.

Come Along With Me by darkofthenights @jimmytfallon

"A little magic can take you a long way." — Roald Dahl or An AU where Harry is a magician and Louis doesn't believe in such a thing.

Fugue by iwillpaintasongforlou

Harry falls asleep a 17 year-old who lives in Cheshire and is probably rockstar Louis Tomlinson's biggest fan. He wakes up 24 with a wedding ring on his finger, two kids, and Louis Tomlinson attempting to wake him up with a blow job. The doctor calls it organic retrograde amnesia, says he might never get back the last seven years of his life. The only thing that feels the same is how he feels when Louis touches him, and maybe that's enough to make him fall in love all over again.

You Are The Blood by sarcasticfluentry

A seventh-year Hogwarts AU in which Niall gets all the girls, Liam goes on a journey of self-discovery, Zayn falls in love, Harry wants something more, and Louis tries to figure out once and for all why he, a Muggleborn, was sorted into Slytherin.

Temporary Tattoos, Hotel Hearts, Horizon Homes by Teumessian

Louis is just 18 and ends up in 2015 for one day at Harry’s request, one day to make sure his spirit is strong and hopeful enough to take him to the X Factor and end him up where he’s supposed to be. Aka, the one where Harry makes sure Louis knows how amazing he is.

my heart is breathing for this moment in time by usedtothebeach

When Louis first saw Harry at the 2010 X Factor Auditions, he thought he was watching a peculiarly special stranger. But Harry has known Louis ever since he was five years old.

Because Louis has a rare genetic disorder that causes him to Time Travel to important moments in his past and in his future - and to Harry, always to Harry. When they're put into a band together, it seems like everything Harry has been waiting and wishing for has finally come true. Except for the small fact that Louis doesn't know that Harry is in love with him- that Harry's always been in love with him. Fate, it would seem, is just getting started.

A story about growing up and growing together, and the impossible love that makes it all worthwhile.

feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream by togetherwecouldbealright

“Alright, alright. No need to bite,” Harry says, holding his hands above his head in a general gesture of surrender.

Louis quirks an eyebrow and his foot nudges Harry’s as he moves to sit straight. “If that’s what you think biting is, you’ve got another thing coming, Styles.”

Harry blinks at him before he feels his face flush and inside the marrows of his bones there’s pulses of heat, pulses of fire spreading through him. “Is that a threat, your Highness?”

“That’s a promise,” Louis answers just as the car halts to a stop. “One I intend to keep.”

Harry is a journalist with a lot of secrets and Louis is the future king of the United Kingdom; they live together for 60 days.

Art

I included one where the art involved is writing/poetry because the fic in question does such a lovely job of discussing art as a concept that I just couldn’t resist...but otherwise, I only included ones where the art referenced is painting/drawing etc. I’m sad that I don’t know more!

Little Technicolor Things by @tekhnicolor

Louis is a poor writer and recent university graduate, depressed, anxious, and living in London when he meets Harry, an artist with a secret who likes to paint sunrises and pretty boys from California.

I would name the stars for you (I would take you there) by impetuous

"Harry Styles is a poem waiting to happen, Louis thinks, eyes tracing peach flesh and the undercurrent of blue veins. He wants to write him all down, to capture the image of green eyes and red lips and skinny wrists... dark ink spilled across the page."

Or a vaguely Notting Hill-like AU (or that made for TV Disney movie Starstruck if you’ve seen it… no? Just me?) starring popstar!Harry and bookkeeper/soulful poet!Louis; and including guest appearances by Fate, a wise elderly aristocrat, and lots and lots of pining.

Starry, Starry Night by xxSterre (WIP)

Artist AU based on a tumblr prompt by youngandmadeof.

AU where Harry’s getting a degree in fine arts but he’s always envied street artists their freedom and the thrill coming from illegal activity. One day, he notices a particular graffiti and decides to paint into it. Louis does graffiti. One day, somebody starts messing with his murals.

Medicine

why do I only know one?

Lonesome When You Go by 13ways @13ways-of-looking

Harry, Louis, Niall, and Liam are surgeons-in-training at the most prestigious program in the United States.

More than that, Harry and Louis have a history unknown to the others, a history that involves dogs and God, anatomy lessons, food fights, vinyl jazz records, and one hell of an oyster tour.

A story of trust and friendship, of poetry and rock and roll, pink-tinged dawns and the darkest nights.

A tale of portraits, tattoos, and everlasting love.

Edit: How did I forget you @afirethatcannotdie?

Do Not Go Gentle

“This is all a game to you, isn’t it? Well, it’s not for me. This is a real life or death situation,” Louis says, spitting the words at him. “And I just don’t think you’re cut out for it.”

For a moment, they stare at each other in complete silence. Harry can feel his blood thrumming between his ears, can see Louis glaring at him, feels red-hot anger. And then all he feels, oppressively and desperately, is lust.

Suddenly Louis is surging up to him to press his lips against Harry’s. Harry walks the two of them backwards, pressing Louis back against the door. Louis oomphs in surprise and brings his hands under Harry’s scrub top, scratching at his lower back.

“Lock — oh — lock the… fucking door,” Louis mutters.

When Harry Styles starts his first day as a surgical intern, he expects a lot of things: to treat patients, to observe a surgery, to feel a bit overwhelmed. What he definitely doesn't expect, however, is that the handsome guy he kicked out of his bed this morning is also an intern.

A Grey’s Anatomy AU where tensions are high, Harry and Louis are hooking up in secret, and no one has time for love. Or do they?

#mine #larry fic rec

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writingandshit · 6 years

Text

2017

As always, towards the end of the year I like to sit down, reread all of my journal entries for that year and gather my thoughts about what I’m going to tell people when I discuss the year. This year truthfully is one that I am very confused on how I feel about. Let’s start at the beginning, January of this year was one I already knew would be bad. At the end of December I was left depressed, and anxious, so I knew that counting down and starting another year wouldn’t change that. In January as suspected I felt awful, and for the first time since 2015, had seriously started considering self harm. Though I never did it, the awful little voices kept telling me I deserved it. Those voices led me to self medication, and with the help of someone who lived with me at the time I got high as a kite everyday of January, to keep me from going insane. I spent my 15th birthday miserable, and depressed as my 14th birthday had been. I got my permit, but I felt like death. And in January came to the conclusion that if by the end of 2017 if I didn’t feel better I would never see another ball drop. I couldn’t spend another birthday miserable. Then February came, and for about 2 weeks I continued my self medicating, and then because of complications with my parents divorce my mom made me go sober (though she didn’t know how much I was smoking). For the first time in 6 weeks my brain could finally function as it was, and that was not a good thing. The anxiety started to get bad again, and I had a walking panic attack. I had no control over my body and didn’t know what I would do. I made myself sit down and write a letter to my mom begging for help. The letter worked, and within minutes of her reading it she had scheduled me an appointment to see a mental health specialist. I suddenly had hope. And hope only grew in February, sure I still had the problems with my mental health but with hope to get better, I allowed myself to open back up to local friends. One day one girl that had been my friend on and off for 2 years, and I met up. I invited her over to play video games, and talking with her that day was extremely therapeutic. We talked about everything from where our friendship had gone wrong, to where our lives became a mess with depression. I felt a spark start, that had been there when I was in the closet and her friend. A spark of attraction. She allowed me to be open and be myself, and that is exactly what I needed. We went to 3 plays together, held hands and she quickly had me in the palm of her hand. By the end of February we slept over as frequently as we could, and spent our time talking about life. Going over issues we had with ourselves and others, and for the first time since I met my now best friend I found someone I had a soul connection with. She helped me through my ex reaching back out to me, and talked to me about her feelings of not being good enough for a relationship. Then came March, March was a whirlwind month, March 12th after a day at the fair around 2-3 in the morning, with a very tired brain. I joked with her as she moaned about not being good enough that I would kiss her if she did not quiet about it. She didn’t believe I did, and with no self control or filter I did it. The kiss sent roots into my hearts of love and happiness, and that split second is one I will never regret. However some hours after it I do have a regret. I let another girl kiss her, set it up even, because it hadn’t yet set in. That girl, the girl of my dreams and I got ourselves into a relationship, made it official the last day of march. And a few days before that I hit one year of friendship with my best friend, who in April I got to see in person for the very first time. The week I spent with her was so amazing, just like with my now girlfriend, we talked about everything, light dark and in between. We had many car rides, battled with nerf guns and she showed me a cute little coffee shop she frequented. I met her parents, met her dogs, and solidified that that girl would be a life long friend. Leaving was bittersweet but we would meet again and we knew that. A week or two after getting home I made it official with the other girl from March, and things went amazing for about 2 months. In June I had my first appointment with a psychiatrist and got diagnosed with PTSD via the abuse I suffered from my father, with a diagnosis and a therapist, I bounced out of there hopeful and for the first time, I believed the future was going to be more bright than bleak. I encountered a week where I couldn’t talk to my girlfriends and learned how powerful of a weapon my mind was. Then in July, as one of my girlfriend celebrated her 16th birthday, I learned how happy someone could make you. WE spent an entire week together, and I never got bored of talking to her or cuddling next to her. In august as she went back to school I tearfully began to miss her free schedule, but still we made it work. I soon got diagnosed with ADHD and my therapist began helping me with focus. Then September came, and someone saw that I was on a good path and popped all of my tires. My depression sank in again, as my girlfriends started fighting and I had to sit back and watch with fear that I was about to lose something amazing. We planned to go to Homecoming and I very very naively thought that it would fix everything. So on homecoming after the one had picked me up, we took pictures, ate bomb ass food and after an hour I had a panic attack, that night it solidified that one of the three people who had been my rocks, was only part time. The next day that one rock washed away in the current and I was left to learn how to balance again. However I did, and very quickly for my standards, though not without a bad taste in my mouth. Then Halloween came, and I spent it watching horror movies with my girlfriend and a new friend of mine through said girlfriend, and I had a great time, though I did have some bad flashbacks from moments with another ex. Though I put on my big girl pants and got ready for November. November has always been the month that gets me. My dad was born in November, and we have never had a strong relationship and it only got weaker once I found out he had permanently damaged me. So I was prepared to relapse, and relapse I did. In September they started me on Zoloft which didn’t affect much in the story besides making everything more intense until now. After a month and no sleep and misery they decided to switch my medication. The first week of November, I got the urge to self harm, second week switched medication and on Thanksgiving, I was baker acted. Being in a mental hospital sobered me up and made me thankful for the things I had but it only made my hatred of myself worse, as I did nothing but think without a doctor for 3 days. No phone, no solid underwear, no bra, and nothing to do but play cards and eat shitty food. Being released, I decided I had to get my shit together, talked to my therapist about going through my past and my psychiatrist about letting my mind figure itself out for a few. She said no and then called in the wrong medication, but my therapist agreed to try hypnotherapy to uncover what is hidden. To go towards getting better. My girlfriend and I are going good, and even though my best friend and I’s schedules run opposite, I still know I can go to her for everything. So here I am, right now it is my 9 month anniversary with a girl I had a crush on for 2 years, maybe even 3. And I finally have a plan I believe will work to get better. MY dark cloud of depression anxiety and many letters they want to attach to me looms heavily, but for now I can tell it to fuck off. So 2017 was a year, full of discovery, a lot of self hatred and a lot of drops severe enough to make me lose my mind. But 2017 was a year of friendship, love and support. 2017 made me know I was strong enough to get through everything and anything life throws at me no matter how much my path much change. I know now that I will find the light at the end of the tunnel, even if I must walk through darkness for a long time. I have people in my life that make me want to be happy, that make me want to get better, and I have plans to start my life my way. I have my dream pet, my dream girl and I am heading towards the good life. So yes I went through a nasty breakup, many bouts of depression and too many anxiety attacks to count. But 2017 will be remembered as a good year. Because it was the year I learned that I don’t have to keep it all in, I also learned that I am a good person, and that I am strong. Strong enough to handle this. But I ultimately learned that life will never be easy for me, I have finally come to accept that I will always have hardships, and hell in my life, but I will find the lights in the darkness, and the I will get through it. Because I am more than those letters, and my bad days. I am a fighter, and I will get through this. So in a few weeks I will say goodbye to 2017, and start another year of hard work, and hardships. But I know I will have amazing people by my side and amazing things to accomplish, and with that nothing can stop me.

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gentlethorns · 7 years

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reader’s questionnaire

i was tagged by @ivy-the-africanprincess. thank you lovey!

1. which book has been on your shelves the longest? probably lisey’s story by stephen king. of course i read stuff before i started reading stephen king – stephen king would’ve been a little hardcore for, say, a second-grader – but most of those books are packed away in boxes, seeing as i have no intentions of rereading them.

2. what is your last read, what is your current read, and what is your next read? my last read was the great gatsby (it was school reading, but it was a good book). my current read is it by stephen king (this is the third time i’ve reread it). as for my next read, i’m not sure. i have a lot of dean koontz books i haven’t read yet. it’ll probably either be one of those, or i’ll reread the shining. (again.)

3. which books does everyone like that you hate? this is hard, because i have different reading tastes than most people around me, nor can i say i’ve ever really come across a book that i hate. i guess if i had to pick something, i’d say jane eyre – at certain points it was good, but the majority of the time it bored me to tears. the only reason i finished it was i had to read it for school.

4. which book do you keep telling yourself you’ll read, but you probably won’t? maybe harry potter and the cursed child. i keep meaning to buy it, but i haven’t gotten around to it.

5. which book are you saving for retirement? hard to say – i’m too young to have planned that far, not to mention that in my planned career (an author), there isn’t necessarily a “retirement” – i’d just keep writing, continuously.

6. last page: read it first or wait til the end? wait til the end! what kind of maniac reads it first?? it could spoil everything!

7. acknowledgements: waste of ink and space or interesting aside? interesting aside. i always love seeing authors thank everybody – it’s cool to remember that authors can’t do everything on their own. if it takes a village to raise a child, then it also takes a village to write a book.

8. which book character would you trade places with? this is going to sound absurd and probably masochistic, but harry potter. he’s a wizard and that’s freaking awesome! and yes, i’m aware i could trade places with a side character and still be a wizard but without all the angst of being the boy (girl) who lived, but let’s face it, i love being in the spotlight. (not to mention harry got a lot of privileges that side characters didn’t, because harry was the chosen one. and yes, i’m perfectly willing to take on all the baggage harry had just for those privileges.)

9. do you have a book that reminds you of something specific in your life? (a person, a place, a time, etc.) it (the book i’m reading now) used to remind me of fall of last year, but i’ve reread it too many times. christine by stephen king also reminds me of fall of last year, to an extent. i’m sure that if i reread the alienist by caleb carr it would remind me of spring of this year (i’ve only read it once, and it’s a damn good book – i haven’t reread it yet bc i first read it in march or april and rereading it this soon is too soon). also, the tommyknockers by stephen king might remind me of december of 2014. AND harry potter and the order of the phoenix reminds me of december of 2015 – i used that book as an escape from the pain of my first breakup.

10. name a book you acquired in some interesting way. i actually have 27 dean koontz books that i acquired in an interesting way: i wrote a letter to dean koontz, and he replied with a handwritten letter and a box of books, all signed with personal inscriptions. of course, i don’t touch the books he sent me – they’re safe in storage, because knowing me, they’d get dirty and/or bent/folded if i read them. not because i don’t take care of my books, but because i take my books everywhere when i’m in the process of reading them, and that naturally results in a bit of wear and tear.

11. have you ever given away a book for a special reason to a special person? no. this sounds selfish, but i don’t give away my books – i barely lend them out, because they come to mean so much to me (and because i’m a compulsive rereader and never know when i’ll want to revisit an old favorite). i lent the talisman by stephen king and peter straub to my ex boyfriend once, because he’d been talking about how much he loved fantasy and the talisman popped into my mind because i thought it would be right up his alley – i don’t know if it was or not, because we broke up before he could get very far (he didn’t read much because he was working every day until nine or ten at night, and then he had homework on top of that). (he actually almost ended up keeping the book, but i did ask for it back, because it’s one of my favorites and because i’ve handwritten notes on the symbolism and thematic work in the storyline and didn’t want to lose my analyses.) that was one of two times i can remember loaning out a book – the other was to my best friend, because i’d been talking about the book and how good it was and i thought she just had to read it. (she loved it too, and now we’re waiting to save enough money to buy the rest of the series.)

12. which book has been with you to the most places? i’d say the shining. it’s been to my house, my grandmother’s house, various doctor’s appointments, arizona, school, and off-campus school events.

13. any required reading you hated in high school that wasn’t so bad ten years later? i can’t say yet, considering i’m still in high school. maybe when i’m twenty five jane eyre won’t seem so bad??

14. what is the strangest item you’ve ever found in a book? the only unexpected thing i can ever remember finding in a book was a note that said something along the lines of “you have great taste in reading. enjoy the book! - your fellow reader”. it was in a copy of a tale of two cities that i’d checked out from a public library, because my english final was the next day and i hadn’t read half of the book. (irresponsible, i know, but our class discussions of it bored me and i had other things i wanted to do.) that note cheered me up a bit, so whoever they are, i hope good things happen to them.

15. used or brand-new? i don’t mind either way. brand new books are great, but not only are the expensive, they don’t stay brand new for long – again, that wear and tear from being toted around everywhere. but sometimes used books are written in, and i don’t like that.

16. stephen king: literary genius or opiate of the masses? *deep inhale* my time has come. i could talk for days … weeks … months … years about stephen king, but let’s leave it at this: he’s a fucking genius. i enjoy some of his books quite a bit more than others – the shining, i think, was his best work; it and christine are close followers, not to mention night shift, his book of short stories, or hearts in atlantis, or pet sematary, or ‘salem’s lot – but overall he’s a master. not only of horror, although that is his undeniable main attraction, but also of psychological thrills: all my favorite works by him (as i’ve named above: the shining, christine and it) have degrees of psychological horror at play, as opposed to only jumpscares. however, even his jumpscares are worth the $17.99 i pay for a brand new copy at barnes & nobles. (and his nonfiction work about writing, called on writing, is also a masterpiece.)

17. have you ever seen a movie you liked more than the book? so far, no. i’ve heard the movies for the maze runner series are better than the books, but i still haven’t gotten around to reading the maze runner series, so i’m not sure yet.

18. conversely, which book should never have been introduced to celluloid? dreamcatcher by stephen king. the film was obscure – something a tv station made, not any huge blockbuster; it didn’t even air in theatres – but they changed the ending completely, and the way they changed it completely changed the theme of the book (not to mention kind of demonized mentally disabled characters, but that’s my opinion). watching it left me both laughing at the ridiculousness and pissed off.

19. have you ever read a book that’s made you hungry (cookbooks excluded)? not that i remember, but i’m sure i have. i’m always hungry.

20. who is the person whose book advice you’ll always take? no one’s, really – i read my own interests and don’t often take others’ into account (not because i’m snobbish but because i actually forget to check out the stuff they recommend). the person whose book recommendations i’m most likely to take is probably my mother – she first introduced me to stephen king, and because she opened that door for me, i trust her judgment a lot. in fact, one of the reasons i haven’t read the dark tower series by him is because my mom said she could never properly get into it, so i think it might bore me as well. lately, though, i’ve been thinking about starting the series, just to see if i do like it.

i’m tagging: - @paintingsunny - @theeverwatchingtortoise - @the-bookler - @alixismad

#tag games

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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817

Does it make you nervous when someone does something dangerous showing off? If it’s something supposed to be taken seriously, like an athlete doing a risky ice skating spin, then I’d be nervous in that I don’t want them to fail. But if it’s someone doing something rather foolish like doing a moonsault off a roof or putting out a candle with their bare fingers, the mischievous side of me will silently half-wish something goes wrong haha. Have you ever had to take a pee test? You mean a urinalysis? Yeah. Angela’s doctor mom suspected I had UTI a few weeks ago so she had written up a recommendation for me to take a ‘pee test,’ as you put it. Have you ever had to supply someone with clean pee? I mean, I did for the aforementioned urinalysis lol. And what do you mean by clean pee? How is that different from dirty pee? Lmao Are you a bit of a nerd? Guh, I loved calling myself this is a teenager...because...y’know...I was a teenager and wanted to sound cool and ~not like the other girls~ lol but I was definitely trying too hard at the time. I don’t consider myself a nerd now and I don’t think I ever was. Are you in charge of cleaning anything in your household? Just my own dishes for the most part, but that’s it.

Are you good at HTML? At one point I was, because it was once a common practice on Tumblr to customize your themes, add your own pages, and basically just mix up your blog. I dunno if normal Tumblr still does this haha but if I tried to do this today I’d be rusty for sure. Ever carved/written anything on a park bench? Nope. I always feel like I’d get caught. Most interesting place you've ever visited? I’d say Shanghai was the most interesting mostly because it was SO incredibly first-world and the whole place was just so modern, so technologically forward and the experience was so jarring considering the dumpsite I live in. It was very daunting seeing all the bright lights, people dressing up so well, luxury shops on every corner, and how rich their nightlife was. Have you ever had anything tailored? Yes, my lola knows how to do that so whenever I need my clothes adjusted I’d just ask her to do it. Fan of Walton Ford artwork? Ever even heard of him? Nope, haven’t heard of him. Do you keep your eyebrows more thick or thin? I never get my eyebrows done; I don’t find it necessary. They’re naturally on the thick side, but from years of trichotillomania and plucking my left eyebrows, the hair eventually never 100% came back and the end of that eyebrow has juuuust a bit of a bald patch on it. It’s only noticeable for those who know about my trich, but still. What color is your bedroom door? It’s brown, but the bottom part sports a lot of chipped-off paint due to my dog scratching on it to get in and out of my room for the last twelve years. Do you value your personal space, or do you hate being alone? I value both since I tend to need either at different points. Have you ever been hunting? Never. Your take on one-night stands? Are they okay? You do you, and it’s definitely okay. It’s just not my thing. Do you always wear a bra? Not when I’m at home. I for sure haven’t worn one in a while due to the pandemic forcing me to stay home, but I did wear a bra when I went to the hospital a couple of weeks ago. Felt so weird lol. Do you have a wrist watch? No. I always lose them under my watch (hehe) so I just stopped wearing them altogether so that I don’t keep wasting my parents’ money :/ Do you usually jog or go for walks? I’ll sometimes go for walks, but for leisure. I don’t think of them as workouts at all. Could you be happier? Yeah, I think this is how most of us, if not all of us, feel.

Don't you just love aerial views? Like...from airplanes? Yessss, I love them a lot. When my dad books flights for us I always call dibs on a window seat as I never get tired of seeing cities and towns from the sky. Do you own a pair of Dr. Martins? As far as I know it’s Martens, and no I don’t. I’ve always thought they were too chunky for my liking. Do you like wine? Hate it, I never liked its bitter taste. My girlfriend and some of my aunts love wine though so sometimes I’ll have a glass or two and pretend to like it so I can spend time with them haha. Do you scrapbook? Nope. We do have scrapbooks at home, but it was my mom who made all of them for mine and my siblings’ baby photos. Have you ever been told not to do something you desperately wanted to do? Of course. ^ did you listen? Not always. Why are the angry birds so mad at the pigs? ...I don’t care. I never played the game actually. Would you feel bad about breaking up with a kid on his birthday? Kid sounds weird in this sentence lol, and yeah I’d say that’s a pretty shitty thing to do. There are 365 days in a year and unless my significant other has been an abusive shithead, I’d pick a date other than their birthday to break up with them. Have you ever sung anyone the happy birthday song? On their birthday, I guess...? How many followers do you have on Twitter? At the moment, 722. Do you like Hello Kitty? Not really. Have you ever won on one of those grabber machine things? Not that I can recall. My sister has always been the one better at those than me, she wins something every time. Though there was one time I was at the arcade and was just fucking around with the claw machines until I saw a kimono-wearing Hello Kitty left behind in one of them; I figured someone won it but didn’t want it, so I gleefully took it and gave it to my sister who’s super into Hello Kitty AND anything Japanese haha. Is there an actual word for those? I call it the claw machine. Have you seen the movie Remember Me? I never have but I remember wanting to because Robert Pattinson is in it, heh. Do you like thunderstorms? Love them. I can see myself living somewhere where it rains all year round. Have you ever been horseback-riding? I’ve ridden a horse before but I don’t think it counts as horseback-riding? It was part of the itinerary on one of our trips to Tagaytay nearly a decade ago, and a skilled rider was maneuvering the horse for me. I was like 12 and didn’t know any better, but today I absolutely wouldn’t take part in some tourist attraction thing that would use and tire out animals. Have you ever seen your naked back? I’ve had to turn around and look at it in the mirror a few times because I have scoliosis and I had wanted to see the point where my back starts to curve. Are you gonna French kiss your hubby at your wedding? Noooooo. I hate doing PDA myself so I’ll likely be sheepish at my own wedding actually, considering the fact that I wanna invite like 400 people lol. Do you think girls generally look better with their natural hair color? I don’t base attractiveness off of hair color, so I don’t really care. Who is the last person you held hands with? Gabie. Was ages ago though. Would you agree that wedding cake is so much better than any other cake? (: I mean, wedding cake isn’t even a type of cake lol. I think cheesecake is the superior cake, though. Do you feel awkward with strangers in elevators? Not at all. It’s a lot more awkward if I know the person but am not close with them or don’t know them all that well, so then I’d have to spend the next few seconds figuring out if I wanna make small talk or just ignore them altogether. Do you cuss excessively when you're upset? I can cuss excessively regardless of my mood. I don’t do it as much as I did when I was a teenager, but my potty mouth will still slip out every now and then. Would you rather cheat and tell your other about it or be cheated on? Eugh, this is an awful question. Can we just go with no cheating? Do you own a pair of shorts that could be mistaken for underwear? I don’t think so. Have you ever felt free after losing something once important to you? Yeah, I was recently reading my old survey answers from 2015 when my breakup was fresh, and apparently I was a super happy camper who felt free as fuck when Gab and I had broken things off so I guess that’s one example lol. Have you ever been to a rave? Nope, no raves for me. How many bananas have you ever eaten in a row? I’ve only eaten a whole banana once my whole life and that was a few weeks ago when I had a fever. Mom said it’ll be good for my body so I was made to eat one for breakfast. It wasn’t all that bad, but it will still take a whole lot for me to have to eat another banana. Have you ever felt like you can burn the world down? I’ve never been that angry before, no. Can you read/speak in any language(s) other than English? Yuh, Filipino is my first language.

Have you ever had sex outside? I’ve had it outside but we were still hidden, like inside a car lol if that still counts. Have you ever been outside naked? ^ Same situation. Do you like guys with long, brown, shaggy, flippy hair? If it looks majestically taken care of, yep. Do you have a beauty mark? I don’t. Have you ever been in a shrubbery maze? No. I’ve been terrified of them ever since watching The Shining, and I don’t think I’ll ever be up to entering one since I hate getting lost. Do you think you're the best thing that's happened to someone? I dunno. I don’t really need this big of a validation, so it’s genuinely fine if no one thinks of me in this way. Is the best thing that's ever happened to you a person? Yes, but also a dog. What's your boyfriend's style, or what style tends to attract you? I’ve observed that Gab jumps from one style to another. Some days she’ll dress like a sophisticated aunt and wear nice flowy dresses, other days she’ll opt to look a bit tomboyish and wear a graphic or tie-dye t-shirt and jeans. Do you know anyone who works in a cafe? Yeah, my cousin Bia. How many songs do you think you know all of the lyrics do? Hundreds is a safe guess. Do you enjoy jazz or blues music? I enjoy both, but I like jazz a tad bit more.

What's the most emotionally painful thing you've ever been through? Finding out about Nacho. My grandpa’s death hurt as hell too, but back then I had no choice but to harden up and force myself to be ok and focus because I had an insanely important college entrance exam coming up five days after his passing, and I couldn’t afford to get distracted. With the news of Nacho, I was doing nothing that night and I was completely vulnerable when it hit me. How many band t-shirts do you own that are black? I only have one band t-shirt, and it’s black. Can you make a clover shape with your tongue? Nope. Would you agree that Beck is a musical genius? (: Beyoncé lost to him for Album of the Year at the Grammys for her 2013 album which she highkey should’ve won, so he’s kinda on my shitlist for that looooool Do you ever feel like the main people in your life don't know you at all? No. I wear my heart on my sleeve for the most part, so I don’t have to worry about that. Do you like Ben Folds? I’ve never heard of him. Do you watch The Voice? Nope. Do you have a protective father? To an extent. He hates catcallers and always tells me to tell him if there are any around when we’re out so he can beat them up. He’s not crazy protective to the point of being possessive or overly strict though. Have you ever worn a headdress? Just for school productions when we would represent cultures that have headdresses.

Last thing that caused you to get sick? A UTI. What's the biggest misconception about you, personally? It annoys me to no goddamn end when people say or assume that I’m fake. It’s called being polite and civil even around people I don’t like which I’m pretty sure is more mature than fake, dude. Have you ever seriously thought you loved someone without telling them? No. Are you squeamish? About certain things. I hate watching clips of people having their bones break or get dislocated, people passing out, too much blood, among other stuff.

#survey #surveys

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lalka-laski · 4 years

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If money was no object, would you change your wardrobe? No doubt about it. I actually have a keen eye for style & can coordinate outfits really well. I used to do it for houuuurs on Polyvore (is that still a site?). But alas, I don’t have the money to dress to my heart’s desire.

How do you/did you get to school? From elementary school through high school, I rode the bus, Then in college, I walked.

Have you ever been in trouble for something you honestly didn’t do? I’m sure at some point. I grew up with two sisters so that’s bound to happen.

Is the idea of having a secret admirer creepy or romantic? I’m more inclined to say it’s creepy however, Glenn actually was admiring me for years before I even knew who he was. But he never acted on that attraction so does that count as a secret admirer?

What was the last song you sung out loud? One’s not coming to mind

Have you ever had to have a pet put down? UGH WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME THINK ABOUT THIS

Were you excited to learn to drive, or scared? I still haven’t learned because I’m too scared.

What was the last book you read? I’m in the middle of Daisy Jones & The Six right now and I’m completely hooked! Tons of people have recommended it to me & I’m beating myself up that it took me this long.

Did you enjoy it, or were you glad to be finished? Oh I’m loving every minute of it. I even brought it with me to work today hoping I could sneak a few pages, maybe a few chapters in.

Do you ever wonder what other people are thinking when they stare at you? Those are the thoughts that constantly torture me.

Have you ever gone out of your way to get someone’s attention? I was a teenage girl at one point. Let’s be real.

When was the last time you felt incredibly tired? Yesterday was BRUTAL. I only got 3-4 hours sleep tops and I am absolutely not the type of person who can function without rest. Last night I got a little more sleep but I’m hyped on caffeine so I hardly notice.

What candy cane flavor is your favorite? I’ve never put much thought into it. The fruity ones like Starburst & Jolly Rancher are really good, I gotta admit.

In your opinion, who doesn’t deserve to be famous? A huge majority of Hollywood. Too many to list.

Do you get angry when fast food restaurants mess up your order? I get a little bummed but ONLY because it seems like *I* am the only person whose order gets messed up or forgotten. Even my sister has noticed that it seems to always happen to me. And I don’t have complicated orders by any means! So it bums me out but it doesn’t actually make me angry. And I would NEVER stage a complaint. I’d go hungry before I go Karen.

Have you ever had a ridiculous hair cut? Yeah. After my last breakup I cut my hair collarbone length hoping I’d give off some Jennifer Lawrence vibes. I was not Jennifer Lawrence. I was fucking Lord Farquaad.

What was your favorite elective class in high school? High school was too long ago for me to remember but my guess is it was some type of creative writing.

Did you ever wish you could be homeschooled? Uh, no. Was it hard for you to get up this morning? I moaned & groaned like usual but it surprisingly wasn’t as hard as most mornings.

Have you ever had a dream so realistic you could’ve sworn it happened? Those terrify me. It’s extra unnerving because I have a hard time distinguishing between real and imagined memories as it is.

When was the last time you colored with crayons or colored pencils? I did a lot of coloring at the beginning of quarantine. None since though.

Can you remember the first survey you filled out? Oh God, no clue. It was back in the Myspace days, I know that much...

Do you have any mental disorders? WHERE. DO. I. BEGIN.

Do you feel comfortable talking about these disorders, if you have them? Well anyone who’s spent 15 seconds with me knows I have anxiety, so I can’t even hide that if I tried. And I’m pretty open about my other diagnoses if/when they come up in conversation.

Where did you go on your last field trip? I guess Senior Trip my senior year of high school? I don’t recall taking any field trips in college.

Are you able to agree to disagree? Or do you have to have the last word? I don’t like confrontation so I try to shut things down as quickly as possible. I’m ok with someone having the last word. But that likely stems from my lack of confidence. I tend to second-guess myself in arguments, even if I’m well-versed on the topic at hand.

Do you think you make a good first impression? I make great first, even second, impressions. I think it’s when people start to truly know me that things unravel.

Do other people’s first impressions stick with you? OH YES. I should be more understanding and forgiving but if someone rubs me the wrong way right off the bat, I can’t shake it. Bad energy is bad energy!

Are your friends who you thought they were when you first met? Not all of them. Some for the better, some for worse.

How have you changed in the past year? If we examine where I was this day last year, I’ve made considerable progress with my mental and physical health. But that progress took a nosedive during quarantine. Ok, maybe not a nosedive. I’m still an improved version of myself from last year and I should celebrate that.

How about in the past five years? 2020 Elizabeth is living 2015 Elizabeth’s wildest dreams!!!! I am leagues ahead of where I was then.

What do you do when you feel like giving up on something? I hate to say it but I usually just give up. I’m not much of a fighter.

Have you ever had to give up on someone? Many a time.

Would you rather break up with someone, or them break up with you? Um well, my self-esteem is easily shattered enough as it is so I do NOT handle breakups well. But breaking someone’s heart is an equally awful feeling so

Is there a cover song you like better than the original version? Blackbird by David Gray.

Do you think it’s okay to like a cover more than an original? Of course it is. It’s a commonly accepted opinion that Johnny Cash’s cover of “Hurt” is better than the original. There are plenty other examples I’m sure but that came to mind first.

Do you still watch any cartoons? You mean from childhood? I honestly don’t but I should. That could be really soothing.

Are you just too lazy to recycle? Guilty as charged

Think of the last person you talked to–do you love him/her? In person? No. Via text? Yes.

Do you fit your zodiac sign? I’m a Cancer to a fault.

What is one of your weak points? Hyper-sensitivity (see above^)

What is one of your strong points? Empathy

Are you calm in emergency situations? FAR FAR FROM IT.

When was the last time you cursed at someone? As far as cursing directly AT somebody out of anger or something, I don’t remember.

Are you afraid of losing someone you love? That’s my biggest fear

Who are you most attached to? Glenn

What do you depend on other people for? Providing a rational response to my irrational emotions, calming me down, soothing my anxiety.

Are you good at reading other people’s body language? I don’t know actually?

Do you like facial hair? How about chest hair? I love both. Glenn doesn’t believe that I’m attracted to his chest hair (actually, all his body hair) but I find it incredibly sexy.

If you have a favorite number, how did you choose it? I don’t really have one. I guess either 7 or 13 because those are my birthdate numbers?

What goes through your mind when someone breaks up with you? Well I have an inferiority complex so breakups just confirm all the pre-existing thoughts I have about myself.

What goes through your mind when someone asks you out? This is gonna sound funny considering my previous response but my usual reaction to getting asked out is fear. Ever since the first time a boy asked me out, I found it more scary and nerve-wracking than flattering.

Do you match your shoes with your outfit? Sort of?

Do you style your hair daily? Hell nope

Who was the last person to compliment your appearance? What’d they say? Glenn called me pretty last night but I’m not sure that really counts because he’s my boyfriend and isn’t that his job? Is there any movie you just can’t stand to watch? Most movies. They’re just not my thing.

What do you think of pornography? Most porn I watch isn’t actual intercourse. But I love bondage so I like roleplay vids and stuff like that.

What hair products do you use regularly? Daily I just use shampoo and conditioner, and then purple toning shampoo once-twice a week and hairspray on days I curl my hair. Lately I’ve been trying out a texturizing/volumizing spray but most of the time I forget ‘till it’s too late.

Does it bother you when people use extremely bad grammar? Nah. Language skills vary wildly and are often informed by a person’s culture, family, or socioeconomic background. It’s classist & racist to judge a person’s intelligence or abilities on his/her grammar. Do you have a hard time talking about sex with the opposite gender? Not at all. I might even be TOO comfortable with it.

Do you feel more comfortable with a male or female doctor/nurse? Female, for sure. My pediatrician was a male & he was wonderful but I prefer only females for any type of medical situation now. Oh, except for my dentist. But that’s only because I think he’s hot :P

Have you ever had major surgery? Not really. I had my tonsils out when I was a kid but that’s pretty run-of-the-mill I think?

Could you go a month without speaking? Uh maybe?

Is there any food you don’t like that a lot of others do? Well I don’t eat any type of meat or fish so, I guess that.

Have you ever followed a trend? If so, what was it? Lots of them as a tween/teen. It’s par for the course at that age.

Have you ever started a trend, even a small one? Likely not. I hold no sway anywhere lol

What was the last thing you bragged about? I’m not much of a bragger. At least I don’t think?

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roomalthoughts · 6 years

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recovery pt. 2 (recovered post #2)

“To the world, you may be just a counselor, but to your students, you are a hero.” -unknown

After the incident that happened in August of 2017, I knew that I was so depressed, broken, lost, hurt, suicidal and numb to the point that I need to get help. I knew deep down that if I didn’t go back to counseling, I would not be here, typing this blog post out right now. I would probably be either one, at a mental hospital or two, buried at some cemetery. I’m not being dramatic here…I’m being completely honest…because I suffer with major depression along with anxiety.

However, my doctor is planning on retesting me here soon (in a couple months or so) to see if I do have bipolar disorder II…which is severe, but with my mood swings being incredibly erratic and uncontrollable at several times, I knew I need to get myself retested…misdiagnosis happens all the time, and so I would not be surprised if I do have bipolar disorder II.

Going back to counseling, I went to counseling from the end of August to the end of October. I knew that slowly, but surely I was getting better. It was nice having someone who was there to listen to you and give you advice. I was blessed to have an amazing counselor, with such a Godly and humble personality. My counselor is someone that I look up to and admire because not many people are down to earth and willing to help in every way possible. From my experience with counseling, this person had all the talents to be a wonderful counselor. I could feel the Holy Spirit working with my counselor and I every Friday for my sessions.

It was hard making the decision to leave counseling because I knew that I was getting better and my work schedule was making it hard for me to squeeze in time for it…but I knew that I was ready. My counselor agreed that I was ready as well and it was hard saying “goodbye” even though we both knew very well that it was just a “see you later” rather than “goodbye.”

It wasn’t my first time going to counseling. Back in 2015, I went through a horrible incident where it just pushed me off the edge. Parents were fighting more than usual and it was taking a toll on me along with friendships falling out and going through a mini breakup all at the same time. My father was incredibly abusive that year and I just knew that I was at my last straw. I was also ready to drop out of college because I couldn’t get myself to focus on school. I was so lost at that time that I became anorexic and depressed (which led me to loose 20-30 pounds in just two months). I would not eat at all because my self-image was destroyed. I thought I was fat and thought I gained weight in my first year of college. I was starting to cut myself as well along with planning my suicide note.

I couldn’t take it anymore until my mom caught me throwing away food and she dragged me to my doctor. My normal weight ranges between 150-160…at that time, I was 127. I was skinny and my collarbone and cheekbones were popping out. My eyes were filled with sadness and I knew damn well that I was destroying myself. My stomach was damaged from throwing up and my blood pressure was jacked up as well. My overall health was bad at that point. My doctor immediately put me on antidepressants and forced me to go to counseling. He sent a note to my college to put me through the process to get into counseling quicker once school started.

Many people complemented me on my weight and said that I looked “good” when they had no idea that I was anorexic. I kept my mouth shut and didn’t come out with my struggles until last year. I was so nervous and worried about the stigma that mental illness carried at that time. It hasn’t changed much, but still, many people who don’t struggle with mental illness, will say that mental illness is a joke and that it is just about someone being weak minded…when it’s far from that.

During 2015 through 2016, I was going to counseling and I had the blessing of having a great counselor to start out with. She was an amazing, sassy lady who always had me laughing towards the end of every session. She always made me smile and realize that I was worth so much more than what others said about me. My counselor pushed me to become the woman I would become later that year. Along with helping me build my confidence and self-esteem, she made a plan when I felt suicidal, to just think about the good things that has happened so far in my life. She made me realize how precious life was…and how amazing God truly is. Eventually, I was confident, selfless, full of love and content with life. Until 2017 came around and brought more trial and errors that would force me to change my ways once again.

My professor once said this “Life will make you change your ways. You will realize that the old way won’t work out anymore. A dramatic event will change you and you will realize that old way won’t work anymore.” And that is very true. He does have a point because life has changed me so much. I’m not the same person that I was back in 2015. I’m not the same person that I was seven months ago. Trials will break you down and force you to change yourself.

Am I still broken? Of course I am. Do I have it together? Heck no. I will NEVER have my life together because ANYTHING can happen in such a short amount of time. I have to cherish every day that God gives me because it could be my last day. Who knows. But one thing that I’m sure of is that God will keep blessing me this year. I still have days where I just want to sleep and never wake up, but I think, “I got so much to offer that I’m not quite done with life just yet.”

I know for a fact that I have a great support system behind my back. They are my cheerleaders. They are the reason why I’m still alive.

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waynonna · 6 years

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I'm not sure but I think I might have BPD, until I can talk to my doctor about it do you have any advice on how I might have a clearer understanding whether or not I do have it, like smaller symptoms, tells, etc. Thank you

hey anon! this is quite a lot, but i hope it helps

ok so, i know some people say “oh, just google” but tbh i dont trust google for this because

1. most stuff you’ll find are related to “how to deal with a borderline relative/partner/friend” and not enough about how to make the people with bpd feel better and

2. most articles and stuff talk about the major symptoms, but not everybody experiences the same thing, and some people have a milder disorder than others. as for the smaller symptoms, it’s harder to find stuff on

tbh when i started looking up bpd (in august last year) before talking about it with my doctor, i was really frustrated, cuz not only did those make me feel bad and abusive, but they didn’t give me information.

what helped me a lot was really trying to pay attention to my emotions, my mood changes. because a lot of doctors get bpd mixed up with bipolar disorder, it’s good for us to evaluate this too. one thing that i was told that’s different between both is that in bipolar disorder the mood changes can last for days, while in bpd they’re usually (but not always) in small intervals. sometimes it even lasts for a few minutes.

one thing that might really help not only with anger/sadness/etc relief, but also with understanding those symptoms is writing a journal. doesn’t even need to be anything extensive, just something small about what youre feeling will help. and then when you gather all of that, you can analyse it.

now, as i said bpd is often different for different people. what i’m mentioning is mostly my own experience and what signs helped me realize i have bpd and talk to my doctor about it:

- an intense fear of being abandoned. i have a really big history of going into really deep depression after a breakup, being it romantic or not. any thought of being alone completely breaks me. which brings me to the jealousy. in my case, it isnt really a vengeful kind of jealousy, but more sad and angry, because that person who i idolize “is leaving me” or at least that’s what it looks like to me. that reminds me of when i was 16, and idolized my math teacher. she was helping me through my depression and ocd, and was amazing. then every single time i would see her talking to another student i would get really upset, have panic attacks, cry, and just want to interfere and stop it. i didnt know why, but somehow i had to be the only one she liked. once a friend of mine was talking to her about me and i had a major episode, because i Had to know if she was talking shit about me i just Had To.

- i tend to abandon everyone else, unconsciously, whenever i idolize someone. usually everything i do or want to do is related to that person. but then out of nowhere they make me hate them for a day or so, and then i love them again.

- impulsive behavior is a really big sign too. in my case, it was never anything like spending too much money, eating too much, having lots of sex, etc. mine were always unnoticed by me, actually, until i started thinking about it. since i was a kid, i always started a sport, dance, any class, and would drop after a month or so. ive tried literally everything the school had to offer, and every time it would get less exciting or id get sad, id drop it. when i was 10, i was attending an english language course, and we had an exam after just a week of classes. within a minute of the start of the exam, i started crying and asking to leave. the coordinator came and talked to me, telling me it would be ok to do it, but i didnt care. so i cried so much they had to call my mom. and i dropped it. now, in 2015, i started an architecture program at uni. it was fine at first, but then i had a major breakdown due to a person, and i decided to drop everything. so no more architecture. then i tried engineering. 1 month, something happened, i had a suicide attempt, ended up at the hospital, dropped the program. so pay attention to these behaviors, even if they seem normal to you. mine seemed like it because i justified it saying that i was just looking for “my calling”, but nothing would ever be that calling, because i wouldnt let it.

- overwhelming emotions, everything being exaggerated. always black or white, never gray. it you love it, you idolize it. if you dislike it, you hate it with everything in you. not only with people and things, but also ideas. and you cant understand neutrality. when someone is neutral with you, even if not being negative, it is like an insult anyway, and you lose it. and these are emotions that are terribly hard to control. you want to control them, but you cant. you try, but it’s never enough. and no one understands why youre freaking out over something as simple as dropping your ice cream, or getting your hair wet. small things like these have an enormous effect on people with bpd. and people always say “youre overreacting!” but honestly, not really. we feel that way. it may not be a big deal to them, but to us it feels like a stake to the heart.

- but also feelings of numbness. it took me a long time to realize i have this, because i honestly thought it was normal, everybody had it. and for a while related it to being sad (maybe theres 2 types of sad, feeling too more and not at all?). i usually describe it as feeling like im in a movie, like i know people and things are there and i can see and touch them, but i cant feel them. like im putting my hands in ice cold water, and i know its cold but i cant feel the cold. like i know the world exists but does it really? most of the time, when im not dissociating, i dont even remember what it feels like, because it feels like nothing.

- trouble expressing feelings and thoughts. idk if many people have this, but i have it quite often. somehow i cant put to words what is really going on with me and even when i do, people dont usually understand it.

- indecisiveness. seriously, i cant even decide what underwear to wear. i say i cant, because it’s not like i don’t want to, it just takes the whole of me to make a decision. whether it is a big one (lately ive been struggling with deciding where to go for my exchange program) or a small one (what to eat for dinner), it’s always a huge fight in my head, and most times it expresses itself in terrible ways. every time im faced with a choice, i end up crying, panicking, and most times decide to give up and not choose anything at all. sometimes i cant even choose to give up, i just lay there crying and screaming and hating everything. it’s a nightmare.

- a lot of anger when things dont go as expected, or when feeling abandoned, as well as extreme fear, and not being able to trust easily. but a lot of times being very kind too.

im trying to think of something else but dont really remember rn. these are the most important symptoms for me though, and what made me realize i have it. but really, if possible, write a journal, write things you feel, bad or good, anything can be useful.

you can also learn more about it and/or find some good helpful stuff here, here, here, here, here, here and here

#im sorry i wrote so much!#i usually do this and i need to stop #anyway i hope it was ok that its so much and that it helps!#sorry i couldnt think of anything else #and pls do let me know if u need any more help!#anonymous #answered #bpd things

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beautifulonthe-inside · 7 years

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March 7, 2017

To my lost best friend:

Two and a half years later. And here I thought that everything was perfect from my family, my close friends and my now (ex) boyfriend. My feelings are mixed since then, since it’s now a week later of being single. My heart still aches for him; the void he filled is now empty and here I am expressing the pain that still lingers from all of this. The past couple of days have definitely brought up something important that I never thought would happen: I lost my best friend. They say you’re lucky if you can find a guy who can be both your boyfriend and best friend, and they weren’t kidding. For many people whose life I follow on Facebook, I see them grow. For them, two years is enough for them to make the decision that this is who they want to spend the rest of their life with.This in turn results into the engagements of all my friends, which I’m more than happy for them! For me, two years was enough to know that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but there’s always a catch to things: I wasn’t done with school.

For someone who made the decision at the age of 5 that she wanted to be a doctor, she was crazy, but that was me. College wasn’t easy, I struggled with figuring things out on my own and finding out who I really was and how my work ethic actually was. I was constantly being hounded all through high school because I wasn’t a perfect A student in my mother’s eyes. This transferred through once my first semester was done, I had failed my first class. I spent countless days in the counselor’s office just trying to “not be so hard on myself” because that’s what I was used to, I didn’t know any other way. Let’s fast forward a couple of years, around the time I was dismissed from my college because I continued to fail one class a semester. I don’t blame anyone but myself and it was hard to know that come spring time, I would not be returning. A miracle happened and I was accepted at Sage who were right next door.

After finishing a spring semester at Sage I came into the fall with open eyes ready to learn and finish what I had started. Truth be told, I was eager to finish since I was already graduating late. A wedding brought about happiness in my life, something I wasn’t expecting since I’ve only ever seen it in movies. But that was the day that started a friendship and became a part of me. The running joke that still lingers is that “I literally fell for you” My poor knee never saw it coming. And for awhile it was wonderful, I told him the following Christmas when we first started dating that I loved him and I still do. I always wonder what ever happened to that letter I wrote him by hand, if he even has it anymore.

A year had gone by, October 12, 2015, our anniversary. It had been a wonderful year, and we had our differences but that’s all part of the relationship. I had gone on my first vacation with him and his family and it reminded me how much I cared for him as an individual, and how much his family meant to me. I felt like I fit in, and that it was a break from my own family at times. I didn’t have to hide my feelings in front of his family, I could just love him. Leaving him was never part of any plan at this point, I was in love. I developed a loving relationship with his family, as if they were my own and it was so surreal that maybe one day this could be my future in laws.

October 12, 2016 our second anniversary together. Another trip with his family proved to be that this was what I wanted, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and grow old with him. There was always love in the relationship and I always had love to give him. He made me happy, he helped the pain that came with struggling in school, and he was my distraction from reality. To share our love for league of legends, I bought tickets for us to go see Worlds, an event where all teams come together to play against another and see which team is truly the best. It was a wonderful anniversary present for both of us. I knew right then that he was the one for me, the one I wanted after having my heart searching for someone to show me how to love again. And after all this I asked him to come to Disney with me, my other home from home, the place I’ve loved since a child and will continue to go till the day I die. And he agreed to come which was the best Christmas present a girl could ask for.

January 9, 2017 was our Disney trip, and for that week everything was a dream come true. We even watched a couple get engaged in front of our eyes. I was truly blessed to have him come with me with the okay from my parents. This was one of my best trips to Disney, to show him my inner Disney fanatic and something that was who I am. I wanted to share this part of my life with him because I knew this is what I wanted: I wanted to have him be forever part of my life. Of course nothing is permanent in Disney, we had to get back to our normal lives, the reality that includes school and work. I just didn’t expect the surprise.

It’s hard to express your emotions after being so invested for so long with someone. You lose what you were when you were single, I couldn’t even tell you what the hell I was doing then but that was the old me, the one who had friends to help with the struggle with school. I was looking at my current situation: a loving supporting family, friends who actually for you, and a loving boyfriend who meant the world to me. Unfortunately, I was blind to see his pain, the pain that he had for the past year around this time. I loved him with all my heart, and he didn’t. Not on purpose, but because of circumstances. I couldn’t give him what he wanted, not because I wasn’t ready, but because of school, because I wasn’t done and settled with school and with a job that I hope to have when I’m officially done.

As much as fingers were pointed, we’re both at fault. As a couple, we failed one crucial thing: communication. The one thing that broke him into pieces and led to the decline of his love for me. I was so blind to realize that he was starting to fall out of love for me, and he didn’t want to hurt me anymore. We shared tears together, last cuddles, and explained where we both were coming from and it reminded me that this was the worst part of it all, we were both watching our relationship crumble.

Breaks haven’t worked for anyone that I know, and the circumstances for our break (not breakup, but I’m starting to think otherwise) were different than everyone else. For him, he was losing the strength to hold on, and I couldn’t let go of us. He was going to be my future, and I didn’t want to watch this go down like that. Our first night of talking to each other, it seemed that we both agreed that we invested so much time together that it wouldn’t just be the end of things, but I knew otherwise. He was my first for a lot of things, and something I’ll never get back, but I don’t regret it. Even today, March 14, 2017, I still love him, enough to let him have this break to make him happy and figure out what he wants for the rest of his life. I couldn’t say goodbye to my best friend, even though it killed me on the inside doing it.

Through the time we were together, you taught me to open my heart up and show me what love really was, something that I was afraid to do. You showed me new things that I didn’t think I would ever like, and you showed me that true love does exist in one form or another. You’ve opened my eyes to new things, new experiences, and just taught me how to love an individual so much that if the day came, it would break me into a million pieces. I’m not angry at that, I’m just angry that it had to come down to this, a break that would rip my heart out of my chest. Even though things may not be the way you wanted them, I loved every moment I was able to spend with you, even if it was only a couple of hours. I cherished the time we spent together because I knew that one day we would be where you wanted us to be, I only asked for patience. I could never see the bad in our relationship because the good times we had overshadowed the bad, and I couldn’t have asked for the best two and a half years together.

I hope that he finds what he’s looking for, to make a step in the direction he wants to take, and whether or not he wants to bring me back into his life is his decision. As much as I want us to be together, it takes two to tango, and I can’t force him to unless it’s what he wants.As I write this with tears rolling down my face, I just want you to know (if you’re reading this) that I love you.

#personal

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