#i havent done art in forever cause depression

[estrophore]

Signalis Post (barely coherent thought vomit)

So I finished signalis on Monday and i think ive just about recovered enough for me to make a gush post about it on tumblr dot com, which i think i have to do cause i dont think any other game has really hit me as hard as this one. Spoilers obvs.

Being pre-transion, with that associated depression and closing off from oneself, ive always found it difficult to get out my feelings, even in private with just myself, and yet signalis has filled me throughout with its beautiful romantic melancholy and left me genuinely sobbing for the gay robot and her space girlfriend (almost worried that if id played this game on estrogen it might actually have just killed me on the spot). the only other times i can think of where i really cried were playing We Know The Devil near the beginning of the year, which really fkin hit the part of me that struggles to accept myself, and that time i rewatched the last episode of she-ra after reading the ‘Word War Etheria’ fanfic, which brings the characters so much more to life i fell for them all over again.

Signalis is a game that calls back to a lot of classic horror like resident evil and silent hill, which i havent got round to playing any of yet, but i think nostalgia works both ways sometimes and i’ll be playing them sooner now. sometimes horror gets stereotyped as all death and violence, some games fill themselves with skulls and corpses, and big ugly monsters and basically shout ‘DEATH!’ in your face repeatedly and it all just comes off as a bit garish and ridiculous and not actually very scary really. Signalis sits at the other end of that scale (with some of my other fav horror games like soma, cry of fear) where its environs are most usually just… quiet. Still. Muffled. Sad. just as often as theres tension or creeping fear because of this i find theres a strange kind of comfort too. Maybe its just that in most other genres of games theres so much of music, UI elements, pickups and interactibles with vibrant design. Here, theres room for your mind to just occupy the space. A soft fog. A dimly lit room. An empty train. Snow out a window. Liminal spaces that dont expect anything from you.

Signalis is a game thats just simply, unapologetically gay, and i dont think i would have been quite so invested in Elster and Ariane’s relationship if they were a straight couple. Its why representation is important, if art’s way for us to explore our emotions then its important to have media that we can relate to. Even Adler’s role isnt typically masculine. Our replika characters are manufactured, designed for certain roles in the base. Notes from the tough Stars and Storchs in the shooting range, the dollish Eules with the fairy lights and music player in the dorm. I couldnt help but think of groups of Eules sat around chatting, together, and im yearning for that feeling of togetherness, of understanding a friend that closely. I somehow missed the couple in the mineshaft (next playthough, ill find you v_v ). Despite the harshness of life in the Eusan nation (especially for the gestalts) the characters in it are defined by their feelings of belonging and hope. With the obvious parallels to east germany, i think of posters of cosmonauts and space travel from the time. Propaganda, sure but also made with the genuine belief in something greater. When the events of the game take this away, well, we find the last Kolibri, whod rather lose herself than lose her [ah. Im not sure theres a word here to properly describe the relationship they embody]. Its a game defined by loneliness.

We dont lie up at night scared by some corrupted android. We arent stuck with horror at the flesh everywhere, not on its own. We lie awake thinking about Elster and Ariane’s love for each other, the horror of their decline, the futility of trying to hold on forever. Its existential horror done perfectly. It shows an ending postponed and stretched far beyond its limits, and so squarely reminds you that you do, in fact, have to die one day. You’ll break down. One day you’ll say your last words to the people you love and you wont even know you have. Ariane’s final few diaries arrive with the full force of the narrative behind it, like a spear through my heart. For the record, I got the promise ending. Im still sad. It's a game about raging desperately against an unfair ending. I might think about this game for the rest of my life. I would sincerely say its an artistic masterpiece, by the sure definition of video games as art.

I like that the story leaves a lot open and abstract. I think it makes the emotional themes takes centre stage more. And i havent had nearly enough time to sift through it and come up with my own takes, we’ll need a few more playthroughs for that. And theres so much more to say that cant go in just these few paragraphs! Signalis is a game about two girls who had to run away from everything to find someone they belonged with. The universe may be cold and bleak, but you have to try, you might just find something beautiful, even if it doesnt last forever. I think if anything, we should all have the chance to find love and happiness like that, and we shouldnt have abandon a world that doesnt work for us to do it.

#signalis #lgbt #lesbian #long ass emotional ramble post #fuck im nearly crying again #horror #liminal #signalis spoilers #elster #ariane yeong

[whois-sidhe]

“TA-DA!”

A small Double Trouble ft. lazy ass background because I Love Them

#shera #she ra netflix #she ra s4 #double trouble #nonbinary #spop spoilers #spop fanart #spop double trouble #i havent done art in forever cause depression #but this was a nice start to ease back into it #my art #lunaliearts #digital fanart

[houseki-no-suffering]

Pssst.... gush about some thing you’ve wanted to for so long but haven’t found the ask to do so! I really like reading your metas or off-the-wall posts.

aw ty!

mmmh usually i just crank out a random meta when i feel like it, which i havent had the energy to do in a while. so have a lot of hcs about gem language, gem society and how it resembles a totalitarian system cause why not, this is already a dystopia. 

goes from cute to shady real quick, have fun

Gem Vocabulary

gems have no gender, they dont age, they dont reproduce. the whole vocabulary about relationships, aging and sex must be completely different in gem language. they probably lack a lot of words we commonly use, and have unique words for things we dont have (like winter duty, patrol duty... i wouldnt be surprised if gem language had unique grammatical features for those)

this is one of the reasons why its so unfair of aechmea to call cairn ‘wife’ and ‘princess.’ the gems have no concept of wife-ness, we dont know if a gem equivalent of marriage exists, but its definitely much, much different from what the lunarians (and us) perceive as one.

do gems have anything akin coming of age? this could be weird bc gems can potentially live forever, but they can also be abducted by the lunarians at any time, so who’s to say how long a lustrous will live? how do you calculate being ‘of age’? is it by calculating the average life-span of a gem? 

how do they measure time and seasons? we know they have winter and summer and phos mentions ‘spring’ in chapter 20, but what about months and lunar phases? do they have words for that or are months just too small a timeframe for the immortal lustrous to utilize? how do they measure time? in hours and seconds? weeks? different units altogether?

Gem Relationships

similarly, gem relationships are codified in a completely different way. we know they have a concept of romance bc dia ships phos and shinsha and makes comments here and there about other gems being in love. 

at the same time, the relationships btw alexandrite and chrysoberyl, padpa and rutile, ghost/cairn and lapis etc are little different from ‘pure’ sibling/sibling relationships or senpai/kohai relationships.

this is not to say that they’re all romantic in nature, but the way they’re codified in canon (especially in the way the characters grief for their partner) makes me think that even if the gems have no blood/physical kinship with one another they have a very articulated system of establishing family bonds.

dia and bort are clearly siblings, but the same can’t be said, for example, for rutile and padpa, even if they were partners and even if they display a similar junior/senior relationship. this means that relationships are predicated on something else in hnk, and kinship, family and romance are all codified in a different way.

think of vulcans in star trek: physical contact such as two fingers touching, holding hands and kissing is unknown of (save for very specific circumstances). and vulcan people have a completely different way of expressing intimacy and romance than humans. 

this makes me think: just how many canonically romantic relationships are there in hnk (if any) that we’re simply unaware of bc the way gems codify and express romance is so different from ours? is romance even common? rare? perceived as weird? useless? 

what about other relationships? the gems use ‘little brother/ older brother’ but what if this is just japanese approximations? what kind of relationships can lustrous language really express and how different are they from ours?

Imagination

as @ruddy-rutile​ pointed out some time ago, the gems lack a concept of fantasy. thats why i posted that panel about alex’s original lunarian designs. sure, it’s funny, but it also makes you think: these gems are not raised to think outside the box and they can do it without being told so only under exceptional circumstances.

of the vast library of texts that ghost (and lapis) used to take care of, just how many are novels and fiction? none of them? a small amount? a decent amount? in a society thats as focused on practicality, efficiency and conservatism as the lustrous’, how is fiction perceived if perceived at all? 

is there art? red beryl’s craft comes very close to art when they express their feelings about ‘fashion for fashion’s sake,’ but it’s an exception that the other gems find hard to grasp.

phos is often told to stop fantasizing about the world and get things done, the only tale we know the gems are told is the actual story of how their world came to be. the gems always talk about real things, stuff that happened, and make and do things that have a practical use. 

even bort’s jellyfish diary is just made up of a recollection of what happened when they tried to feed them. still, the fact that bort names the jellyfish makes you think that these rocks do have potential for fantasy, theyre just not used to it

Totalitarianism and Privacy

to make this even more shady, here’s your gentle reminder that:

- gems’ rooms have no doors. the only door ive been able to find is the one in shinsha’s room (ch 2) and that is because shinsha’s room is closed off to other people and full of mercury. its like putting a patch on smth you dont want to deal with (much like shinsha’s whole character arc tbh)

- the gems have little to no free time. or their free time can be revoked any time in case an emergency occurs, sensei is napping etc. the gems’ time is rigorously managed by jade, euc and sensei. each gem has a place to be and a time to be.

this means that a missing gem can be found at all times and slackers can be identified very easily. they all have a job and they have to follow it. this is not to say that they have no fun ever, but leisure time is rare and (at least as far as we know) its not contemplated when tasks are assigned each day.

the mere fact that there is a morning assembly and tasks are assigned each day makes you think. is this communism? is this totalitarianism? but most importantly, is this a scary dystopia that hits you in the face like a brick the third time you reread ch 2?   

- sameness > equality. i already went over this in the past. gems society underlines sameness and conformity over anything else. the gems think theyre equal but theyre actually ‘similar.’

a system based on equality emphasizes differences so that every individual can do the best with what they have got and get back what they need, according to their personal needs. 

these gems emphasize sameness: everyone is upheld to the same standards, even when those standards dont match with a gem’s unique characteristics (ie phos cannot be a fighter, no reason to keep saying stuff like ‘if only you were stronger/you’re useless’ etc. they’re a rock with an imagination in a world where dull reality is the rule. just make them write theater plays and play with slugs with shinsha, wth)

It’s real 1984 hours:

all of the above means that:

- your sense of self is subordinated to the group. if you dont belong you’re simply a nothing. at times, the gems almost display a collective consciousness (a pretty hostile one too): everything must be decided together and done together

- you are what you do. gems identify completely with their job. thats why a job is so important, thats why this system is so fucked up. self worth is not inherent, it depends on what you can do. talk about a breeding ground for mental health issues 

- you dont have a saying in picking your career or deciding for you future. thats up to sensei (and maybe euc and jade). unless you have a very strong affinity with a certain task (like red beryl and alex)

- youre expected to follow orders all the damn time. no matter how much sensei wants his gems to exert free will, they still prefer to do what theyre told. ill admit, its much easier than taking your life in your hands and decide what youre gonna do with it, but damn if it isnt depressing. and childish

- euclase and sensei are the authority. sensei and euc are the powers that be. in the sense that they assign tasks, they decide on times and battle plans, on purpose etc. lets not forget that euc was the one to take on sensei’s role after he ‘resigned.’ 

i wonder what would happen if euc were abducted and the gems had no one to follow anymore, no orders. who’d be the new leader? would there be one? lets not forget that no matter how gentle euc is, phos is shit scared of them.

- thought police is a thing. to end this meta on what is probably the shadiest note: surveillance is a thing. the gems report on each other, it’s thought police, no sugarcoating this. 

there’s no privacy, no secrets. even antarc reads rutile’s diary. this goes from cute and childish (’you did this one wrong thing, im gonna tell sensei’) to absolutely fucked up (’you did this one wrong thing, im gonna tell sensei’)

#houseki no kuni #land of the lustrous #hnk #meta #best #im a sociologist what did ya expect #pls feel free to add on this

[askmymylittleponyocs]

Update: Sprucing up the tumblr blog with better navigation tags.

I got a new code for this tumblr blog and since I have alot of ocs , i decided to make a page into the blog as a “My MLP OC List” so that way if i have no room to get every MLP OC along with my Next Gen characters as well, it’ll be all in there.

Thankfully for this blog design theres 4 Navigation sections with 4 link buttons, one of the 4 will have thats Next Gen focused. I am working on my Next gens, just lately for the past 3-4 years its been very slow going but i feel its cause of mix of depression, and dealing with a shitty toxic friend that i wish i never was friends with to begin with. so me and my friends wouldnt have to deal with their pathetic toxic attitude and actions they have done.whats done is done though.

I am planning to do fan art of MLP as well, even though G4 is over but it only is over if you let it be over. know what im saying? MLP has been apart of my life since i was a kid, 8 year old me was introduced to MLP Gen 3 and my dad introduced me to the first MLP animation episodes of Gen 1. it only made me love the MLP series as a whole even more. 

MLP will never die nor will i ever tire from the franchise and the shows. i will love it all to pieces and will never let it go. I am sad that my ponysonas have changed over a while from one pony to another and another and another...but i feel its because i was struggling so badly at what would my ponysona be.

this is coming from me who hates herself to a big degree, and i am trying to find myself. i did manage to FINALLY settle on one oc i designed completely which is now my forever main ponysona Rainbow doodledrops. 

I do have a fanfiction idea that she’ll be a focus in that the mane 6 ends up being involved and I really do hope it goes well, because i plan to make a comic of it one day. Im no professional writer but- hopefully it’ll go well. i may need some help of proof reading. hopefully i get some help with it.

I do have another fanfiction idea which for the Next Gens. alot of people have named their Next gens like pandoraverse and much more. Im not sure what the name should be but maybe harmony verse or something. theres probably so many next gen names im not even sure which isnt even taken. maybe do harmony rain or something. if anyone has any ideas you guys can let me know. ;w;

thought i update you guys on this. plus looking at the ask arts ive done as responses god THE ART IS BAD. BLEH. especially with rose/sweet delight. yeah thats a huge ass confusion and im so sorry XD im still working with it. i do have a interesting story with sweet delight and rose which will be a fanfiction in itself which we journey together with sweet to find out the mysteries behind her and rose. especially why is rose even in sweets body to begin with.

I also have been updating most of my ocs designs up and hopefully you guys will like it. right now just sprucing up the tumblr blogs profile down and get everything set up. i’ll show you guys the blog once its finished :3

All the asks i havent answered THOSE WILL BE ANSWERED I PROMISE. I havent touched them- nor deleted them. i planned on responding them for sure. im so sorry for the wait and i thank you guys for your patience. i wanted to at least give you guys good quality stuff here. ^^

#update #update blog #My Little Pony #ask blog #mlp ask blog

[youimaginetube]

Oof jack with an artistic reader that locks herself away and paints endlessly when her depression acts up to avoid hurting herself?

i havent gotten a jack ask in FOREVER thank u (also thank u for always liking my posts bb!! i see u ;) xx) tysm

Portrait Mode

Your head feels weighed down.

Typically, the way you'd fight the lack of motivation is to go into the studio and refuse to come out until you had something to show for it. The windows are almost always open, unless it's raining, to vent the smell of harsh acrylics and alcohol activated paints. You use a multitude of utensils, typically oil-based pastels, acrylics, watercolors, or lighter alcohol paints. All of them help you create a variety of scenes. You're best known for portraits of instagram models.

Whenever you find yourself slumped over, you'd retreat to a canvas in the back of the house and paint some beautiful girl with perfect hair and makeup. The style is foggy and dissociative; you always make it clear enough to discern features, but everything blurs together with unconvential colors and pretty highlights.

You'd been painting one of your favorite subjects for a couple of hours now, when you hear Jack knock on the door a couple of times. You glance up, responding with a delayed "hmmm-".

"You doin' alright?" He asks, and you can hear his weight against the door, but you pick up a deep blue and continue your work without much thought. "You've been in there a while, and I know it's 'cause you're not feelin' well. What're you paintin'?"

"Something pretty," you respond. "I'll show you as soon as it's done, love."

You look at the portrait. It's all whites, greys, and blues. Somehow you've created it to be moodier than you intended, but you like the way you've framed the expression. Casted down, upset, terminal. It makes you smile for the first time today, because you can take pride in few things but one of them is your art.

"Do you promise you're alright? I'd really just like to see you."

"Ten more minutes. I have some things to highlight."

You hear his sigh and his retreat back to editing or filming. You finish the eyes, adding thick white highlights to force them to pop out even in the limiting color palette. The gaze you've given Jack is one of the more piercing ones you've ever done for him.

You met him through Tumblr, when you had first started showing off your art online. The first piece he reblogged was of Sam, and you always thought it was so mediocre. By the time you finished the fourth piece dedicated to him, he messaged you and asked if you'd be okay with being featured in a video. You were surprised, but graciously accepted and showed him a WIP of a portrait of his brother because Jack's birthday had been coming up. He was astonished and thanked you graciously.

When you met in person, you had already established some kind of relationship, and you brought him paintings so he could finally see them in person. You were astonished that he liked them as much as he did. You never thought someone would enjoy your creations.

Hesitantly, you unlocked the door, showing the bluescale picture of your boyfriend. Jack wrapped you in a hug, kissing your forehead.

"I know it can be difficult in your head sometimes, but holy shit, it produces some gorgeous things."

#jacksepticeye #jacksepticeye imagine #sean mclaughlin #sean #youtube #sean mclaughlin imagine #youtube imagine #imagine

[vyingvails]

so im looking at my old ao3 fics, and its been a year ago today that i wrote and published a one shot for detroit: become human. personally, i loved the concept i had and it was well written, but i think i could’ve done better.

but this reed rants isnt about that one shot, it’s about a drabble

about a week from today is when i wrote and published “a lost cause” on ao3 one year ago. it’s a vent drabble that i originally wrote for a discord server, but me and said server liked it so i published it to ao3. it was about one of the side characters who didn’t have a lot of story attached to him. he was a pretty static character, i didn’t see much character development in him throughout the game. it was a popular headcanon that him and another side character were brothers because they were both acted and voiced by the same actor, anyways i digress

the drabble depicted him as depressed, lonely, struggling to find anyone that truly cared about his wellbeing much like i was at the time. ultimately, he committed suicide.

which brings me to my point, is that, a year later, i’ve never been in a better place. a year ago i was depressed and struggling to see any positive from any friend or family member. i was about to enter my last year of middle school. i was anxious, sad, and oh so scared of what the future held. earlier in my middle school years i was constantly depressed. i even cut and several times ive thought about running away or committing suicide. i havent even told my therapist this

but a year later it’s better than i’ve imagined. ive been consistently happy all summer, busying myself with things i enjoy such as video games and singing. ive improved on my art and my writing and now im planning out an entire fanfic. i dont cringe when i look at my old work anymore. ive been officially diagnosed with adhd so now i can go into my freshman year of highschool confident that i’ll succeed.

i guess what im saying is, it will get better. whether that be 3 months or 3 years from now. if i told my self one year ago, 3 years ago, that everything would turn out fine and that this was temporary, they’d laugh at my face for thinking there’s anything good in this world.

if you made it through this entire post without scrolling past then kudos. if youre going through a rough time now, just know it will get better. this is temporary but suicide is forever. there’s suicide hot lines and messaging systems that you can contact and vent to if you think no one else will let you talk to them. im always here as well if you need a shoulder to cry on

#reed rants #idk i got all sentimental #dont rb but you can comment ig