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iwritenarrativesandstuff · 7 months

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Ok so now that I've spent some time thinking about the whole "Chuuya was never a vampire" twist, I... still don't like it. For many reasons.

Here's my explanation; if you want to read it, please do. I strive to be fair. I want to wait for the manga release before making a verdict on whether it's bad writing or not, and I also want to see the start of next arc to see where they're going with all this.

If you don't want to read it, and you're having fun with the twist (it is funny. I will admit that much), then skip this and keep having fun! I don't want to ruin anyone's enjoyment.

First of all. It makes no sense. There are things that just do not add up. There was never an indication this was a possibility.

Bro. Did you put on costume makeup for the texture under your eyes? Did it wash off after nearly getting drowned and you had to frantically reapply it behind Fyodor's back and that's why we couldn't see your face for several chapters. Did you take it off again for your dramatic reveal here at the end? I demand smeared undereye makeup Chuuya in the manga when it releases hbfsdjhbfv

Ok this was more a joke. But here's what really irks me.

From what I can recall, this is. True. He needs to have made contact to manipulate gravity. It's also re-established in this very arc.

Great. So how the fuck did he slow the elevator? He was with Fyodor in a separate room! This makes no sense. Did he leave to stop the elevator and Fyodor was like "oh chill. ok come back soon"??? What?!

Here's another thing I want to address:

@ticklinglady I had this same question. However, on thinking on it again, I do have an answer that makes sense - they had to buy time for Sigma to use his ability on Fyodor, to gain knowledge on him about what he knows, and what his ability is. <-I feel confident in saying this is going to be important later. Sigma will still have a role to play and we will find out more about Fyodor!

Alright. Moving on to the themes, and why this also doesn't work (at least for me).

The theme in this arc is very much to do with the contrast between trust vs control. This is Fyodor's failing when it came to Dazai, and it is established very early on as the major contrast between them, in the Sky Casino arc. The vampires, though it seemed silly and random, fit nicely into that theming. And the conclusion, where Dazai showed extreme faith in Sigma and the Agency members (and what an interesting contrast that is; to have someone show faith in ordinary humans when his foil is a man who has faith in god but not humanity), that fits into that theming also. Ok, so this was an extension of that right? Showing faith in Chuuya, as always.

Yeah, no. I want to direct your attention back to this here.

This line is the one that had everyone going "oh man skk is going to fuck you up for that". I made an entire analysis back when this chapter first came out about the themes that we saw, and Fyodor's utter devaluing of the effectiveness of people beyond just their skills and abilities (it's here, if you're curious). This is why I suspected that, since Dazai and Fyodor are intellectually matched, it would have to be Sigma and Chuuya to catch Fyodor off guard - because he only values what people can do, not who they are.

Well, we got a little with Sigma, before Fyodor took control of the situation again. (Rip buddy.) Sigma's tenacity and unwillingness to fall for Fyodor's manipulating him away from helping the Agency was based off his personal choice and free will. He managed to shoot him! Fyodor was reduced to a cheap trick to get close enough to stab him! There was a certain level of payoff.

But Chuuya? I want you to think for a second. What did he actually do? Not a single part of this was Chuuya's idea. It was Mori's - he was at the very least sent undercover under orders, if not sent to Meursault under orders. He didn't even glue his own fangs in apparently. Now let's go over what he did. Why was it so necessary that it be Chuuya there? Well, obviously because gravity manipulation was needed to slow the elevator and the bullet. Oh... hm. So. His ability. Was what was needed, huh?

But it was necessary for it to be Chuuya because of the bond between him and Dazai, right? Oh. Wait. So, Chuuya's personality and goals don't matter - only his ability to read Dazai.

This twist makes it so Chuuya as a person doesn't actually throw a wrench into Fyodor's plans at all. All that matters is that he is Mori's executive and Dazai's partner. I guess he was "utilized" after all. I thought, with his characterization in Fifteen and Stormbringer, that we were moving away from this characterization of Chuuya only by his bond with Dazai. Do you want to scream.

You might be saying, okay, but at the very least it showed the depths of Double Black's bond! ...did it? Not really, at least not to me. The only impressive part of any of this was Mori's preparedness. This was barely an skk plan. It was a Mori plan. Double Black placing their lives in each other's hands is a Tuesday for them. This is nothing we didn't already know. And truthfully, it goes nowhere near the level of sheer trust we saw in Dead Apple. Mori sent Chuuya in sure, but it was only after everything settled down that he realized that Mori suspected Dazai would need help. Before that point, it seemed everyone thought Dazai was dead except Chuuya. Chuuya chose to jump out of that plane. Chuuya chose to risk his life. It showcased his personality, his free agency, and the level of trust they had far, far better. And it was emotionally satisfying! Dazai was extremely grateful that his trust paid off! Chuuya was somewhat conscious during Corruption, enough to weaken his own punch and shout Dazai's name! Dazai prevented Chuuya from having his ability be separated from him by the fog! They are an unbeatable team... but they were still left exhausted, and had to rely only on each other. How does what happened in this latest episode compare to that in a way that makes me believe they've actually outmaneuvered Fyodor?

Listen. I'll take twists that don't really have a great build up if they further the themes or character development, or it just makes for good drama. There's an interesting pay off, at least, so I say "okay, okay. Could've been done better, but I'll let it slide for the intrigue." But here? Nothing. It was boring. Are you bored.

Anime watchers were probably more fine with it. Maybe it was a little disappointing, but oh well. But manga readers have been having this plot dragged out for years. A lot of said fans (including myself) were excited to see Chuuya become main series relevant and receive present day development - and it seemed like we were going to get that with the recent publication of not one, but two Chuuya backstory novels, and the drama of this arc pitting Dazai and Chuuya against each other. Instead, this did absolutely nothing of interest for his character. Why was he even here?

Which brings me to the last point, which is the characterization.

Going back and re-reading this entire arc now, it becomes one big stage performance. Ok, fine, it's a little funny. But now there's hardly anything of value to these interactions. The only ones that actually matter are Fyodor and Sigma, and Fyodor and Nikolai. All that buildup to drama between Double Black, to another incredible display of trust, to something shifting and changing from the status quo... all that build up, and nothing has changed for Chuuya, or for Double Black. The show of trust wasn't even that dramatic really. Are you bored still.

This also weakens Fyodor's character to me. Fyodor witnessed their incredible show of trust in Dead Apple. I assumed he was prepared for skk-typical bullshittery, you know, being a genius on par if not greater than Dazai. You're telling me he was so overconfident he completely missed that Chuuya wasn't a vampire? Really? Fyodor really had nothing in place that would verify whether the vampires were actually under control? He wasn't constantly checking for a plan? It really was just red eyes and fangs, and he thought that was fine? That's it? Ok.

Truthfully, I was kind of :| about several of the preceding twists in the Meursault arc, particularly the dagger Fyodor pulled out when he started acting to Sigma, and the door railing being preemptively crushed by Chuuya before the drowning started. The dagger was actually ornate in the manga, which raised several questions - it couldn't have come from a guard. It made me think there was more to that interaction than just Fyodor pretends to have a split personality and that there was actually something to that knife. Well, it was made to be a regular knife in the anime, so I guess theorizing across those lines are dashed.

What bothered me the most though was the crumpling of the rail to stop the door from completely closing. There was no indication of this in the manga. None. No one could've predicted that - because it's stupid. The water filled so fast it couldn't get out of the crack in the door, even though it was huge??? Dazai was in the control room - you're telling me that there was no security camera focused on the door??? You know, where you would position a security camera??? It was dumb to me, but I was willing to roll my eyes and move on because I was expecting a good payoff to all this, and well, it was funny.

But now, the whole arc is one extended joke skk were playing on Fyodor. And you're telling me that's how our major antagonist goes out? Our major antagonist of several arcs? Be for fucking real.

And depending on when Dazai figured it out, it may even cheapen earlier scenes. If he found out after the elevator slowed like people have been theorizing, I could accept that. That's fine. But I need people to recall: in the actual episode he states "it was all an act".

Is Dazai probably lying to save face? Sure. But as of this moment we actually have no evidence it wasn't an act from the beginning. Remember that Ango was communicating the whole time with Dazai. Remember that Mori was involved and helped Tanizaki and Kenji get to safety. It's entirely possible it was all premeditated.

One last suggestion: the plan name was "Good-bye" as suggested earlier. This means that even if Dazai didn't know from the beginning, he knew by the time of his speech to Chuuya as he was drowning.

This means that his whole scheme with Sigma was not an extremely dangerous, life-risking play on his part at all (@daz4i has gone to explain why this sacrificialism isn't good for a suicidal character, which I recommend reading, but nonetheless it was still notable characterization for Dazai). And what about this?

Even his own flashbacks and memories were, what? A lie? A performance? For whom? Not for Fyodor, that's for sure.

For us. The readers. For the people who are invested in these two and their dynamic. For the people who wanted development between them, because there are actually issues there that have not been resolved. People wanted Dazai to show real concern. Chuuya is still bitter, even if Dazai thinks everything is fine and the same since he left. There was a tease that we're going to get how Chuuya felt when Dazai left the Mafia at some point in the future. People were making angsty art and writing and getting really excited because all the prior interactions had appeared to be set up for the payoff of this drama.

We get an introduction in the dungeon. We reveal their partnership and fearsome reputation during the Lovecraft fight. They perform flawlessly in Dead Apple. Throughout all this, they need no communication. They read each other and respond in tandem, always... but there's still an underlying tension in the way they do not talk to each other. I, and many others, had thought the prison escape arc was the breaking point for some development, since their prior appearances were all meant to establish them as a team, and this arc dealt heavily with the breaking of established things.

But no. Deus ex skk is perfect. They have no issues or flaws. Do you want to scream again.

Anyways. I recognize I'm probably just very disappointed right now and by tomorrow, I probably won't care anymore and will just roll with it. I think I was extra disappointed because while I tempered my expectations for, say, Yosano and Kyouka's involvement (sigh...), I fully expected skk would be handled well, being the fandom faves and where the money is at, so I guess I took the disappointment that much harder.

However, I'm eager to see how the manga tackles the ending, and if we will get any extra cues or better pacing there that may make me not quite so bitter. If it's any consolation, I do think we'll be getting Chuuya focus at some point in a future arc, and while I do think Fyodor is dead, I doubt he will have stopped haunting the narrative. He'll be back in some capacity. I'm pretty certain he's still the mastermind.

And I'm curious about the next arc and what's happening there. Maybe some things will be revealed later that will help smooth out the flaws here.

#storyrambles #listen by tomorrow i'll probably be totally chill and whatever about it #i just needed to get this out #bsd #bsd season 5 #bsd spoilers #bsd negativity

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missroller15 · 8 months

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warning tbona spoilers incoming !!!!

💗💕💞💖💕 appreciation post to stephanie garber for writing fmcs that can truly embrace their femininity without ever feeling ashamed, that her girls can wear the prettiest dresses in the world and have the most courageous kind souls but would fight to the death for those they loved.

appreciation for her fmcs that aren’t perfect, that are absolutely flawed in unique ways but grow over the course of the books, that openly LOVE love! that love isn’t frowned upon, that it plays such a vital part at the core of her stories. the fmcs fight for love and for the people they care about. they make messy messy choices but they learn.

they have different dreams, different hea endings!! and i love how thats narratively absolutely okay !!!! how each girl’s happily ever after is unique to them and appreciated and validated !!! scarlett always wanted her kingdom and she found her perfect flirty prince in the end like she wanted !!! tella wanted the adventures, to always see the world and have her right hand man right there to experience that with her and she got it !!! eva wanted her true love, she wanted to be someone’s everything, to have a love powerful enough to break curses and she deserves that, she has it she found someone who reversed time FOR her !!!

but what i’m saying is: every girl’s dreams and hopes and happily ever afters are different but that doesn’t make one superior to the others. their femininity isn’t seen as a bad thing, their kindness or selflessness or feeling such a wide range of emotions from rage to fear to heartbreak/sadness isn’t seen as weak. its so refreshing to see books like this. i’m a hopelessly romantic girl so to see that makes me so feel understood, so represented and inspired !! it makes me feel hopeful personally. anyways, stan stephanie !!! stan her fmcs !!! 💘💕💞💗💕

#i just needed to get this out #eva scarlett and tella were such beloveds girlies idc #i adore her books sm they’re so beloved and precious to me !!!#caraval #legendary #finale #ouabh #tbona #acftl #stephanie garber #evangeline fox #scarlett dragna #tella dragna

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extreme-unorthodox-cuddles · 3 months

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GRRGRGGRGARRGHHGG I LOVE SOFT GENTLE PREDS!!!! I love preds who give their prey friend a hug before swallowing them down! I love preds who make sure their prey is comfy at all times! I love preds who give their prey comfort when they're feeling low! I love preds who give their prey filled bellies soft gentle pats to remind their prey that they are safe and loved! I love preds who give a gentle comforting look to nervous and/or first time preys and lets them go at their own paces! I love preds whose top priority is that their prey is happy!

Ok rant over thank you for listening <3

#soft vore #safe vore #extreme cuddling #sfw vore #vore thoughts #vore talk #I just needed to get this out #I do very much like soft cuddly vore very much

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guide-to-world-domination · 1 year

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I can’t stop imagining spider becoming an absolute badass, like the amount of ideas literally keep me up at night. For example, imagine that one day, Neytiri just goes off on Spider and says the most foul things to him - stuff that was so horrendous, even people who equally hated Spider being around had to try and calm her down, because what she was saying was completely out of line. To spider, he’s heard this all from the People, the Scientists, the McCoskers - but Neytiri always strikes a cord that can’t be fixed or shrugged off easily. The only thing that snaps him from his thoughts, was what Neytiri said next while she was being pulled away from the situation.

“You will never be One of the People. Your father is a Demon, and your mother is worse for ever loving him and producing such Spawn”

There it is the breaking point. Spider has always turned the other cheek when it comes to people that insult him or insult him by comparing him to his father. He always found that retaliation and tantrums only proved his accusers assumptions correct. But nobody. Nobody insults his mother. Spider could have screamed back and shouted bloody murder at her, but at this point, he just doesn’t care. She isn’t worth trying to prove himself to. His siblings know who he is, that’s enough.

From that day on, he doesn’t go to High Camp again and doesn’t wear his loincloth. He starts wearing cargo pants and tank tops, but he keeps his armbands, knife and jewellery. He wants to come into his own identity, but he can’t shed what remains of his past life (trying to be part of the Omaticaya). Personally, I don’t think that Norm and the other Scientists wouldn’t care too much about what spider does until he crosses a line or breaks a rule that they haven’t outright told him (that kind of behaviour is traumatising, I would know 🙂). So when figures out to give himself piercings and tattoos, they are livid. They are shocked at the transformation - where painted blue stripes used to be, there were inky black stripes that passed over every limb and even on his face; where dirty brown locs used to be, golden blond hair was fashioned into a Viking braid reaching down his back (similar to a kuru).

The only person that understands and doesn’t overreact is Max. Personally, that man was a dark horse in his family before he came to Pandora, I know it in my soul (Headcanon coming soon or after this post). He takes it on himself to support Spider and nurture his clear talents. He wishes he could have raised spider as his own, but knew that he would be shunned by his colleagues for raising his son - he couldn’t be seen as a disgrace after his time as a child.

Spider had a number of talents and skills, including Engineering, Chemistry, Languages, Marksmanship and martial arts. Max helped to nurture each and everyone. Some days, he would have Spider build and repair weapons and tech. Other days, Spider would learn chemical reactions or a new language. Every evening, Max would instruct Spider in combat and would exercise and lift with him to encourage him. Over the course of a month or two, Spider was unrecognisable. He took in information like a sponge and soon Max was running out of things to teach him. Piloting Samsons and Scorpions - took a few tries, but Spider was truly a born pilot like Paz. Stealth and parkour - He was already a natural, but he was fooling Na’vi warriors more often than not after a week of practice.

Eventually, when Jake started performing raids on RDA Trains, Spider knew it was time to put this all into practice. You see, deep down, he still wanted to prove himself to the People, but not so he could be one of them. He wanted to prove himself, to show them what he forged himself into despite them. However, he knew Jake would never approve him going along - he was still a child. The thought to Spider was ludicrous; Spider never believed he was a child, because no child goes through what he did and remains a child. So he decides to go anyway and doesn’t bother with permission. Though, he does ask Max, who understandably forbids this from happening. After reasoning that he would be safer if he got support to complete this venture, Max relented after hours of back and forth.

And thus, Araña was born. Imagine Winter Soldier getup (Hydra-controlled Bucky, not White Wolf armour) where the half mask acts as his rebreather so he doesn’t risk glass from a regular mask entering his eyes. All manners of weapons are strapped to his body including an Assault Rifle, a revolver (nobody knows that it was actually Quaritch’s revolver that delivered the fatal shot to Grace), A bow and quiver, a LOT of knives and a grenade or two. He looks terrifying but despite this Max feels proud - not about his boy going to fight in a war that has devastated everything he loves, but because this kid, his son, has stepped into his role as a defender and Max is proud of how far Spider has come to reach his goals.

Queue Spider being the biggest menace to RDA society that has ever existed. There was no reason for the Na’vi Ground forces to blow up the rail line, because Spider had already hijacked the train and pulled the breaks. The look of an anonymous Sky Person swing around the train killing and disarming grown men confused everyone in the raiding party, especially the Sully’s. There was something familiar about the acrobatics of this mysterious warrior, the answer on the tips of their tongues. It was only after Spider saved Lo’ak and Neteyam from the missile strike, that everyone realised who this person was. Nobody believed it until Spider spoke and then all he’ll broke loose.

I apologise if this too long or weird, I just needed to get this out of my head. I’ll definitely be adding to this given time, regardless of whether or not people like it, and the only thing that can stop me is my undiagnosed AuDHD.

Farewell to all, Yours sincerely,

Your Favourite Evil Overlord

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circular-bircular · 5 months

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“You can have DID without trauma!”

Vent art. Mod “Armageddon.” Tw for COCSA and general abuse.

You are a system. You have DID. You do not know this.

You go through 15 years, not knowing this — just existing in a haze, having such a bright childhood, one you grasp for later in the dark moments, trying desperately to hold onto it.

At 15, you realize, wait. I think something’s wrong. You realize you don’t feel like “yourself” — and even more alarming, you don’t know who “you” even are. You hear voices, suddenly, in your head. You find notes you clearly wrote, but it’s someone else’s handwriting, someone else’s words to “you.”

You just need to figure out who “you” is.

You go to your sexual abuser abusive romantic partner best friend because your abusive neglectful overbearing parents would never understand, or might be too worried about you. You ask them, “What’s wrong with me? I’m scared. I’m confused. I feel like I’m going to die.”

They smile. They want you, they need you to stay, and to stay you can’t be scared. “Don’t worry — that’s normal.”

You sigh in relief. Thank goodness. You’re fine. You’re okay. Nothing is wrong. The voices are just normal things everyone else experiences. The fun imaginative things in my head are normal. The fighting, screaming, sobbing, fear, need to run, need to love, need to help everyone while fully believing you’re about to get hit, or touched, or watched, always watched—

Don’t worry. That’s normal.

You are a system. You have DID. You do not know this.

You are 19. You’re not sure when that happened — isn’t time silly that way? You are normal. You were a bit “quirky” and “cringy” in high school, roleplaying a lot. You do not remember the voices in your head. You do not remember their names. You do not remember two entire years of high school, and you do not remember that you have forgotten.

You see a student presentation in class about a story, and how the main character could be read as having dissociative identity disorder. “The symptoms come from childhood trauma,” the student says, “but people don’t always remember their trauma.”

She describes the symptoms. You feel… weird. Why does that sound so familiar? So normal? You laugh a little and look around, expecting everyone else to be rolling their eyes at such an obvious observation. How ridiculous of psychologists to diagnose a very normal thing, right? But everyone else is nodding along, very interested, and the professor praises the student for her psychological lens, and “valuable research gathering on a rare disorder.”

You don’t remember going to your dorm, or the test you took that day online. The next thing you remember is not being “you” anymore, because “you” is locked in a room in your mind, and now you’re someone else, sobbing at the website you’ve pulled up. It’s about dissociative identity disorder.

You’re not you. You’re someone else.

You go to your best friend. You tell them everything at 4am, sobbing because you don’t know what to do anymore, and you’re scared, because you don’t know who you are.

“You’re not crazy. This isn’t normal, but you aren’t crazy. I believe you.”

You breathe for the first time in years months weeks days.

You are 19. You have DID. You think.

There’s only one problem; you don’t have trauma. You do. It’s there. They hurt you so much, you idiot, why can’t you hear the voices screaming that at you? So what on earth are you experiencing?

You try to research it. All you have is a DSM-III and resources on multiple personality disorder. And, of course, tumblr — your home away from home.

You find a war happening. People with trauma versus people who say they have none. They all seem to hear voices, and many are angry and struggling and confused, just like you. You must be like these “plurals” you’ve seen. The ones without trauma but with DID. That’s not what that was, and you know that now, but it’s was so hard to tell back then.

You join them. “I have DID,” you say, “but I don’t have trauma.”

“That’s okay!” They tell you. “You can have DID without trauma.”

What a relief. You’re normal. You’re fine. You’re not like those anti-endos, you’re told. “They medicalize their systems,” you’re told, “and their therapists are abusing them.” You feel so bad for those poor systems. They’re not like you; you’re fine. You’re normal. Unlike them.

You try to avoid the traumatized ones, but you see so many of them getting angry. They keep yelling about these people who don’t have trauma, who are “appropriating a disorder” — that same disorder you clearly have, but you don’t have trauma.

You crash your car while dissociating so hard that you hallucinate your parts headmates around you. And you are happy, because at least you have a family to take care of you. Isn't it so nice to see your parts headmates in real life?

You're normal. It's okay. You don't have trauma. You don't need trauma to be a system, and you love being a system. No you DON'T, the parts scream, you're dreaming! Wake up! Wake up, please, god, don't let that woman hug you, don't you know what she did--

You keep moving on.

Then you see the arguments that spark something in you. “You need trauma, but the age range is wider than you’d think.”

Your sexual abuser abusive romantic partner best friend from high school. There’d been that time you fell out with her. That time you blew up at her because she’d kissed you in public, blamed you for teasing her too much. You realize how little you remember.

What else have you forgotten?

“I have trauma but it’s well past the age range,” you say to an anti-endo, knowing you shouldn't have spoken to them, because everyone tells you not to -- but none of them are traumatized, and this person is. “What’s wrong with people having this disorder without trauma?”

“There’s decades of research on this,” you’re told. “It sounds like you do have trauma. Consider that you might have some you don’t remember. Otherwise, you don’t have DID.”

You are 19. You have DID, you know it. You ignore this person. “These other people told me I don’t need trauma. You’re just gatekeeping. You’re just wrong. I’m not traumatized. I’m not like you. I’m better.”

You go to the ones who comforted you, listened to you, manipulated you. "I have trauma, I think, but it's past the age those anti-endos talk about, how ridiculous are they?"

"I'm so proud of you for standing up to those sysmeds! A lot of us have been traumatized because of how people treat our system. I'm sorry those anti-endos traumatized you."

"Well, it wasn't them -- but you're right. Anti-endos are traumatizing. They've traumatized me."

You believe the lie you spread, because they spread it first, and it sounds right. You do not mention that you learned you were sexually assaulted by a peer as a child. That would just be trauma dumping, and that would make you no better than a sysmed.

You are 19. You’re “cured” of your DID, because the plurals around you say that if you like your system, you don’t have DID. They say if you can’t remember your trauma, you probably don’t have any, and “most DID is caused by trauma, you just might be a disordered plural.” They call you endogenic, or mixed-origin, or autigenic. Trying to suggest you have DID leads to them talking about those horrible traumatized systems DID systems disordered systems anti-endos.

“You can’t listen to them. You can’t reblog from them. They’re homophobic, racist, transphobic, bigoted, ableist, wrong. Any information they share is ableist.”

You listen. You always have. You roll your eyes good naturedly at them suggesting you don't have trauma -- they just meant your system isn't caused by trauma. They just misspoke. That's all.

... But what if they're right?

You are 20. You are a ????? system. You say you have DID, because you are disordered and fit all of the criteria, and you can have DID without trauma. Maybe you are just plural?

You start getting into fights with systems online. You spread misinformation your experiences. Anyone who disagrees with you is an ableist gatekeeper. You get fakeclaimed and it hurts. Now you are traumatized by anti-endos. You try to avoid them more, falling deeper into those circles that include everyone, including you. They must love you. They love everyone.

You see a post about trauma. You realize, slowly, so so slowly, your parents have hurt you. You remember everything. No??? You remember so little, the voices scream, sob, you can’t remember it because you’re not even trying to. Why bother trying when you can live in denial, and keep getting abused each time you go home, and keep getting hurt worse and worse every single weekend?

You are 20. You are a DID system. You have trauma. You know some of it.

You go to your manipulators harassers friends. “I figured it out! My system was formed my trauma!"

“Oh, you poor soul, who told you that?”

You feel cold. “What?”

“Those awful anti-endos fakeclaiming you-“

You feel isolated. “No?”

“You can’t listen to them. You’re autigenic. You’re being manipulated. You don’t have trauma.”

“My parents-“

“They love you, that’s not abuse. They were rich, that’s not abuse. They only yelled at you, that’s not abuse. You aren’t traumatized — don’t let the anti-endos convince you that you are.”

You are desperate. “But my DID!”

They frown at you. “You don’t need trauma to have DID. Saying otherwise makes you a sysmed."

You leave your friends. They weren’t friends at all.

You isolate. You have nobody. You made it clear that you would not speak to the filth anti-endos traumatized systems like yourself. You have nobody left to talk about your trauma with.

You are 21. You are a traumatized DID system. You only have your partner and in real life friends. Your abusers force you to drink on your birthday, and come into your safe space. You have nightmares for weeks.

Then you’re 22 and you are stuck with your abusers. You can see their faces now. You know the truth. You feel sick.

You are 23. 24. 25. You find new circles. You've researched trauma more, not nearly enough. You briefly become anti-endo, frustrated as you see more and more people hurt like you were, frustrated that the pro-endo spaces do not have any resources for those like you. Then you mellow, you try to divorce your trauma from your experience online. You try to find places to spread research and knowledge, to be traumatized and have people recognize what that means.

You are attacked for being traumatized, because this space has never been safe for trauma victims. You remember how you used to think when you were 19. You remember how you felt when you were left all alone. You try to keep the doors open, but it's so so hard, and you have to take care of yourself too. But you try. God, you try to help others.

You are 26.

You are in so many circles — endogenic, plural, CDD, traumatic, traumagenic, it doesn’t matter. You have so many people.

You see people telling others, “You don’t need trauma to have DID!” You take a deep breath and follow what your disgusting medicalist inclusive and welcoming therapist has taught you about stopping spirals. You try not to say anything deep at first, because you’re clearly triggered, and recent lessons have taught you more that you need can’t be traumatized online without getting hurt badly.

But you see people denying their trauma. Saying, “I don’t remember any trauma, and even if I did have trauma, I don’t feel like I do."

You remember being that way. You remember not remembering. You remember how your parents sexually abused you, now, even after you thought you’d remembered it all. You remember how your parents hit you and neglected you alongside their overbearing lack of boundary keeping. You remember how you convinced yourself it wasn’t trauma.

You remember how you went back, for years, because of what people said.

You could have left at 19. You had the chance. The options. The doors to freedom were wide open, and you did not step out, because you thought your cage was already freedom.

How much sooner could you have been free if you had simply acknowledged you had trauma, and it had been made clear that it was okay to have trauma? That it would be safe to leave? That you deserved to be able to leave?

You do research. You've done research. You try to find proof of endogenic -- of non-trauma -- DID. You find fakeclaiming. You find people misinterpreting statistics, or even flat out lying about statistics. You find decades, even centuries of research, in the attempt to figure out what's happening. You even resort to literary analysis, because at least you might be able to find evidence of people discussing non-trauma DID as a legitimate scientific thing while psychoanalysing old texts -- just like back at 19, back in college, back when you first heard what DID was.

You find nothing.

You try to share your experiences still. You try to explain in more private spaces, spaces where there can't be anonymous hatred flung your way -- or worse, people who have determined that you are an enemy that must be defeated taking each word you say and twisting it to demonize you -- and you watch in horror as they remember.

"That's trauma?"

"That's disordered?"

"I've never heard of this before."

"I thought I was endogenic. I thought I didn't have trauma."

They're fine. They struggle -- but trauma is a struggle -- and more importantly, they now know what resources to even aim for. They know where to look. They know what can help.

You wish you'd known that.

And you will never, ever stop being bitter about the years those people took from you. You will never forgive them for their fakeclaiming. You will never forgive them for the years you spent being abused more.

But it's okay.

It's normal.

And isn't it better to be inclusive of that very slim amount of people who, despite all evidence to the contrary, and despite all of Occam's understandings, and despite the harm that inclusiveness does to those who are suffering, just have DID without any of that pesky, disgusting trauma?

What do I know? I'm just a filthy sysmed.

#venting #syscourse #You can reblog this #I don't mind #But I won't be responding to anything on this post I don't think #I just needed to get this out #Armageddon Comes While I'm Sleeping #tw csa #tw cocsa #tw abuse

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munmomuu · 5 months

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Fuck I love Gale. Married and living in Waterdeep, married and adventuring or sharing a godhood with him, fuck it, all of them sound great to me. Anything for him as long it's with him.

#tipsy thoughts #gale of waterdeep #baldur's gate 3 #gale dekarios #i just needed to get this out #bg3 spoilers

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brunosaderogatory · 9 months

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Remembering Alberto has tan lines scares me

#like I know it makes the most logical sense but the concept of pale Alberto scares me #luca 2021 #pixar luca #I just needed to get this out #alberto scorfano

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joelslegalwhre · 3 months

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I've seen multiple people on tiktok post about that chin caress and how they embraced in the other video, implying that it was some kind of scandal and it really annoys me. Willem literally gave him a kiss after the speech and you can clearly see that they're close friends. Same with his manager, if pedro was a woman no one would care about that pic, it would just be another "cute friendship" pic. But because he's a man, people immediately start speculating about his sexuality.

You don't have to read something into everything he does. Just a thought… maybe pedro is an affectionate person, comfortable with his friends and isn't afraid to show it? Ever thought about that? My god, just let the man live.

#i just needed to get this out #istg if I see one more video-#pedro pascal #em talks📧#willem dafoe

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flashfamdotcom · 1 year

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i think what really annoys me about yj dark crisis is just how untrue and disrespectful it is to the comics that come before it. i mean let’s just look at bendis yj from only 2019–cissie and bart? close as they always were. cissie was willing to drop everything because her friends were in trouble. those events are CANON very recently but somehow in dark crisis, it’s as if they didn’t happen. and then to say cissie didn’t know “how bad” things had gotten, as if bart and kon’s deaths were pretty public knowledge. and then just compare conner in yj 2019 to here—all that character development, maturity, his time on that farm in gemworld? nope! he’s a whiny 17 year old again for some reason

and then don’t get me started on yj 98 and the disrespect there—just to start with cissie, the way the writer frames her leaving the team angers me to no end like! she did not leave the team because it was a boy’s club! she left because she almost killed a man and was deeply traumatized by that whole set of events! and then to paint bart as having not wanted cassie on the team??? when did that ever happen?? bart allen is the last person i can see gatekeeping anyone, let alone cassie who he practically worships.

i’m glad this comic makes bart competent and highlights how he’s not just this dumb comic relief but gdi i don’t think all this other bullshit makes it worth it 😭 the writer obviously wanted to write this story and the characters are just blank pawns with no history to them ig

#i just needed to get this out #bart allen #conner kent #cassie sandsmark #tim drake #young justice dark crisis #young justice

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lumosnite · 1 year

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OK I NOW KNOW WHAT TRULY FUCKS ME UP OVER HBOMBGUY'S VIDEO COMPARED TO DEFUNCTLAND'S VIDEO. It's the fact that Hbomberguy's video ends with him dissecting how an established character in the industry manages to snatch and take and steal credit and create a false legacy, a false history in which he is greater than he actually is. Defunctland's video is about a man who is so far removed from his work that Defunctland almost gave up on searching for an answer, the man who the video is about did not have a legacy did not have an internet presence and who would not have been known for his amazing musical work until Defunctland made his video about him. It's about the art that we make and put into the world and how it becomes attached to us or removed from us and just how long we are able to change that.

#hbomberguy #defunctland #i just needed to get this out

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ieatsmallorphansnamedtom · 1 year

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Angst, huh? How about bachelors reacting to farmer getting severely hurt or getting a disease that can or not lead to their death? How would the men deal with the grief abd all... I feel like crying today so why not. of course i understand if you're not comfortable with if

Bachelor/ettes x Seriously Injured Reader

Hi! Thank you for the request. I already have an ask for the reactions to the farmer's death by illness, so for this one I'll focus on the initial reaction to the injury. Also, I decided to do the bachelorettes because why not? Hehe. I'm basing this off the mod that has the bachelor/ettes react to the farmer passing out (more specifically for this one in the Skull Cavern).

EDIT: I MESSED UP!! According to an anon if someone passes out for more than a few minutes that's Not Good. So, this is not medically accurate. Yeah, I should have checked up on that. Anyways, here's the post.

Bachelors:

Sam

Sam didn't know what to expect when he was called to Harvey's clinic. All he knew was that it was urgent. Being a Tuesday, he expected Maru to be there to tell him what was going on. But to his surprise, she wasn't there. So, he took a seat in the room and waited.

Seeing as he didn't yet know exactly what was going on, he wasn't all too worried. His family were all safe, he had been with them just before. And you were down in the Skull Cavern doing your own thing, so what was he supposed to be worrying about?

That's when Maru came back out the door and found him there. Sam could see how stressed she looked. But when she told him the news, his heart dropped. He tried to stay positive, to think that the injuries were only minor, but it was impossible considering how quickly he had been rushed to the clinic.

When he finally got to see you, you could see how distressed he looked. He was all tense and you could see his hand shaking as he moved one forward to rest it on your shoulder.

"Hey, hey, you alright? How are you feeling? Man, I was so worried."

Note that he said 'was' to try and calm you down; to tell you that the threat's gone. He is indeed still worried. He's actually on the verge of tears just from the anxiety of it all and seeing you in such a bad state is no help. He's a little nervous to touch you, like you're going to break if he gets too close. When you get home, though, he covers your face in kisses and never lets go of you.

Elliott

Elliott doesn't have a phone, so he had no way of knowing what was going on at first. He only got the news from a townie a while after everything had happened. But when he heard, he came straight to the clinic.

"Y/N, dearest, are you alright!? I came as soon as I heard."

Seeing you in such a state scares him out of his wits. He listens to every word Harvey says, and it pains him to do so. Listening to all your injuries makes him want to cry. Once Harvey gives you two a moment alone, he sits down on the bed next to you and starts telling you stories to distract you from the pain. He's a writer, so they work pretty well.

If you're staying overnight, he's sure to be by your side. He doesn't care when the clinic officially closes, he's not leaving until you're all better. If that means falling asleep in that uncomfortable chair, then oh well.

Sebastian

Sebastian got the news from Robin, who got the news from Maru. He, frankly, didn't want to hear it at first. He was busy with a work project due in two days. But once he finally heard what was actually going on, he rushed right over to the clinic as fast as his barely used legs would take him.

Maru was the one to explain what was happening. Harvey was still busy patching you up, so he wasn't around to explain all that as going on. For once, he actually bothered to listen to her. Actually, he listened to her rather well. He was taking in every word she said. He needed to know how to help you get better.

Once he actually got in there, he sat down next to you and listened to Harvey repeat what Maru said. He paid less attention to the doctor, focusing more on how you were doing. You were pretty badly beaten up - enough to warrant an emergency - and it pained him to look at you. Still, he did, because he wanted to make sure you knew he was there.

"Hey, you alright? You got pretty badly beaten up back there, huh?"

He tries to keep the conversation light, but he's not very good at it. Especially with Harvey fretting constantly over your condition. Once he gets the all-clear to take you home, he's certainly going to take care of you. You're not allowed to leave the bed at all (except for bathroom breaks) until you're all better. He even tries his hand at cooking for you.

Harvey

Oh, poor Harvey. He's the one that has to perform the emergency surgery on you; how do you think he's feeling? It was a normal day for him, Maru was covering him as he was about to go on his break, when all of a sudden there's this knock on the door. In comes Marlon, carrying your near-dead body.

Harvey's first reaction is to freak out. Anyone would, really. He and Maru take you straight away to wherever the hell doctors do their thing. I can't remember any terms, but it doesn't matter since the result is the same. You get patched up.

When you wake up, the first thing you see is Harvey looking over you. He realises you're awake and gets out of your face, but he's still right there. You're still pretty dazed from the anesthesia, so he has to explain what's going on.

"You passed out in the mines. I had to perform an emergency surgery."

His voice is stern and professional, but you can still sense the fear behind it. He pauses for a moment before speaking again.

"Please, never do that to me again."

Shane

Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Well, fuck me running; you're nearly dead! Shane got the news pretty early on, actually. Despite how shitty Joja is, Morris does have to make sure relatives and spouses of a seriously injured person know what's going on. Shane was called to Morris' office. In all honesty, he was expecting another 'pep talk' on his enthusiasm for the store. But instead, he got something much worse.

Shane immediately left the store to run over to you. Harvey had already finished the surgery and he was able to see you. Coming in, his heart dropped even further than it already had. You looked worse than he expected you to. You were tough, so how did you end up like this?

He took a seat next to you and looked over. You were badly bruised everywhere, but especially your head. The top of it was bandaged up, but he could see the blood seeping through. He caressed your cheek while speaking.

"Hey, peanut. You good? How are you feeling?"

Once he got you home, you were sent straight to bed. No more going in the mines for a good while now. Especially not alone. He's ordering Marlon to go with you until he can trust you're safe by yourself. Until then, you'll be helping him with the chickens.

Alex

Oh, oh no.

Alex was devastated when he heard the news. He was hanging out in his room when Evelyn came in. She was looking pretty down, and he had a gut feeling that something was up. Sitting down on the bed next to him, she explained what was going on. Immediately, his hear dropped. Injured? Seriously injured? What the hell?

Man ran right over to the clinic without a moment to spare. He was seriously desperate to find out what was going on. Maru greeted him and told him things were still happening and you were still recovering. Great; now he's got to wait here while you get patched up. Honestly, at first, he was on the verge of tears. He's already lost one person; what happens if he loses another?

Once he was allowed, he was right by your side. He sat down on the bed next to you and just... Looked at you. He was so scared two minutes ago of losing you. He just needed to make sure you were there, and you were alive.

"Hey, are you okay? Don't do that to me ever again."

Once he was allowed to take you home, he scooped you up in his arms and walked you there. Then, he put you straight to bed. There's no way he's letting you hurt yourself again. He probably lies down with you and gives you a hug.

Bachelorettes:

Penny

Penny was there when you came into the clinic. She was hanging out with Maru when all of a sudden Marlon came in the door carrying you. You were on the brink of death. Penny ran over to you and started asking him all these questions. 'Are they okay?', 'what happened?', 'will they heal?'

Marlon had to reassure her while Maru went and got Harvey. The poor girl had to wait in the clinic sitting room the whole time Harvey was performing the surgery. Well, technically she didn't have to, but she wanted to be there as soon as you woke up.

When you did wake up, she was right there by your side. You could see the tears in her eyes. Still, she was relieved you were now okay. You felt her place her hand over yours and saw her smile.

"Dearie, are you alright? You took quite the fall."

She gave a little chuckle after that.

Once she gets you home, she goes caretaker mode. Penny's already one of the most caring people in town. She's got you all sorted. You get to spend all day in bed while she takes care of you. Though, you might still have to do some farm work. She hasn't gotten everything mastered.

Leah

Leah heard the news from her phone. She was in the middle of a sculpture when all of a sudden, the phone started going off. She tried to ignore it, but it kept going. Answering the call, she heard Maru's voice on the other end. Harvey had just finished performing an emergency surgery on you and was hoping Leah could come and pick you up.

Hearing the news, she dropped everything to be by your side. She came as quickly as she could to the clinic. When she arrived, she was still covered in flakes of sawdust. Immediately, she came to you, taking a seat in the nearby chair.

Seeing you in such a state was horrible. You were covered in injuries from head to toe and there was nothing you could do about it. At least not in this state. Leah felt for your temperature. Normal, but that didn't mean much. You were already injured. She took your hand in hers and spoke.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm here now. Just rest."

Once you two get home, she's going to make sure you don't overwork yourself. She won't be letting you go back into the mines on her watch until you take her with you. It might be scary, but she's going to make sure you're alright. She can't see you hurt like that again.

Abigail

Abigail wasn't very worried when she heard you were going into the Skull Cavern for the first time. You had handled yourself pretty well in the town's mines. What was there to worry about? Well, it turns out: a lot. Especially when one of those damn serpents nearly took your head.

Abigail didn't get a call. Instead, Maru herself walked over to the store. She was playing video games in her room when Caroline came in. When she heard the news, her jaw dropped. Seriously injured? You? How? She saved her game and ran right over to the clinic to find Harvey walking out the door.

Harvey said you were fine and stable, and that relaxed her a bit. Still, it was serious enough of an injury to warrant Maru to personally walk over. Heading into the room she saw that yep; it was pretty bad. You were covered in stitches and scratches and were bruised. It was, in all honesty, a pretty bad look. She took a seat next to you and you two chatted for a bit.

"Hey there, shutterbug. Not feeling great, are you? Yeah, maybe I should come next time."

Getting you home was easy but nursing you back to health was hard. All Abigail knows is Special Pills Equal Good, so it was a bit of a struggle finding out what pills those were. Harvey and Caroline helped around a bit, but it was still a little rocky.

Abigail's definitely coming with you the next time you try the Skull Cavern. She's not going to stop you from having fun, but she's also not going to let you risk your health like that in the process. Plus, it's a perfect excuse to try out her new sword!

Maru

It was a Thursday. Maru was heading to work like normal. Things were looking fine. She walks in the door only to find Harvey's not there. Strange. Usually, he's at the front desk until she arrives. Maybe he's in his office.

Heading into the hallway, she called out for him. Thankfully, she got a reply. Not so thankfully, he was in the operating room. Walking in, she finds you on the table. Harvey's stitching up a bunch of wounds on your arms and legs. Maru, of course, is dumbfounded. She tries to remain face during the situation, but it's almost impossible. Harvey's no help either. His serious doctor attitude is not providing any sympathy.

At least the surgery is a success. Everything goes by smoothly, though it's sickening to look at you so injured. Afterwards, Maru was sent to the front desk. As much as she wanted to be the one to stay by your side, she knew she couldn't. While Maru is extremely knowledgeable, she's also still in training. She can't be alone with you in such a state just yet.

Finally, you come to, and Maru's allowed to visit. Harvey's already given her the rest of the day off by that point. He realised it probably wasn't the best to have your person at the front desk be slightly traumatised. Heading into the room, she sat down on the bed next to you.

"Hey," she said, "you alright? You gave us quite the scare."

Once she gets you home, she's sure to take good care of you. She's a nurse, after all. Though, she doesn't want you going into the mines for a good while after that. Especially if you're not properly equipped with the right tools.

Emily

Emily got the news from Harvey. He called her himself to tell her to come over immediately. He didn't say exactly what or who was in danger, but he did say it was bad. So, of course, she came! She couldn't let anyone be hurt and alone like that. But once hearing it was you, her heart sank. Emily cares about you so, so much. She doesn't want to hear that you're hurt!

She took a seat next to you and you two started talking. She wanted to do her best to distract you from the pain as much as possible. She figured you'd be too distracted venting about the stresses of farm life to notice the needle going into your arm. And it worked.

"So, tell me more about the cows. What was her name... Daisy?"

The same thing happened at home. She just got you to keep talking so you didn't focus on the pain. She made you comfort foods and drinks and made sure you were in the best position possible to heal. All the while, she listened to everything you said to her. She loves hearing you talk all the time, and you being injured doesn't change that.

"Cutie pie, you're so cute when you rant."

Haley

Haley got the news from Emily. She was getting ready to do some photography when her sister stopped her right in her tracks. And for good reason. Hearing you were injured almost killed her. Now, normally she would be fine, but she knew you hadn't gone into the Skull Cavern before, and she knew you were in deep shit. She put down her things and headed straight over.

Arriving at the clinic, she was greeted by Maru, who told her Harvey was still busy with the surgery. So, she had to wait. Great. Haley hated waiting, and especially for something like this. It was horrible. What was only 20 - 30 minutes felt like an hour to her, and she couldn't handle it... Which is why she was so happy when she got the all-clear the go in and meet you.

Let's just say you looked worse for wear. Haley was not pleased, but she couldn't blame you. You didn't decide to get hurt like this! She stood over next to the bed for a bit until you woke up, which by that point she started combing her fingers through your hair.

"Hey. Quite the mess, huh? Don't worry, you're all good now."

Getting you home was a struggle. While she isn't so much of a hater of dirt as she used to be, she was wearing a new dress and didn't want it getting ruined by the mud. Once she got you home, she demanded you went to bed. Ain't no way she's letting you get yourself even more hurt.

-~-~-

Link to the video I used for reference here. I'm very much tempted to write a self-indulgent scenario of all the bachelor/ettes coming to the farmer's aid when they get seriously injured. Tell me if you'd be interested.

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myreygn · 9 months

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major demon slayer spoilers!!

taglist: @giggly-squiggily, @rachi-roo

¸¸♬·¯·♩¸¸♪·¯·♫¸¸¸¸♫·¯·♪¸¸♩·¯·♬¸¸

graves

“Hey there!”

Sanemi doesnʼt react. Of course not, he never does, but a little hope never hurt anyone.

Masachika pouts and steps closer, peeking over his friendʼs shoulder. “Whatʼcha looking at?”

The grave seems to be relatively new, the earth still somewhat fresh and the tombstone shining bright, reflecting the sunlight. A whole bunch of flowers lie next to it and when Sanemi goes down on one knee to place a bouquet there himself, Masachika tilts his head to read the inscription.

Shinazugawa Genya.

Oh. Oh, okay.

“Thatʼs your brother, right?” He sits down next to Sanemi. “Iʼm really sorry.��

Thatʼs not a lie. Does it hurt that Sanemi has never properly visited his grave? Yes, but heʼs not gonna hold it against him. Sanemi needs time to heal and Masachika has all the time in world to wait. And now that Muzan is defeated, Sanemi might find the time as well. Masachika certainly hopes so.

A strangled sob next to him catches his attention and he watches in an almost morbid fascination as Sanemiʼs shoulders start to shake and he curls into himself, crying as if heʼs forgotten how to and it sounds like heʼs choking. Heʼs seen Sanemi cry before, once, and it was nothing like this back then. Back then it was full of anguish, desperation and rage - “No- nonono, Masachika, please- fuck-” - and this time... well, this time itʼs different. It sounds defeated and pained and sad and it breaks Masachika's heart.

“Itʼs okay.” He knows Sanemi canʼt hear him but he canʼt just sit here and do nothing. “Thatʼs right, let it all out. I know you hate it, I know... but youʼre doing great, really. Youʼre gonna be fine.”

Masachika doesnʼt know how long he sits there and whispers soft encouragements that Sanemi canʼt hear anyway. It doesnʼt matter. Time means nothing and they havenʼt had a calm moment like this in a while.

So when Sanemi suddenly stands up, Masachika needs a moment to follow and when he turns around, his heart skips a beat. Sanemi stands in front of his grave. His grave! Masachika scrambles to get there as well but stops dead in his tracks when Sanemi falls to his knees and presses his forehead to the ground. It looks like... praying. Carefully, he steps closer to understand what his friend is mumbling to himself.

“-sorry, I should have come to see you sooner... I didnʼt feel like I could do it and now that Iʼm here, I- skies, itʼs been years, I shouldʼve been here, I- please forgive me...”

Masachika watches, stunned. He honestly didnʼt expect Sanemi to be ready to talk to him this soom. At a loss for words, he puts a hand on the Wind Hashiraʼs shoulder. The mumbling stops. Sanemi lifts his head.

“Masa...” His voice cracks with new tears and Masachika squeezes his shoulder, holds onto it as if letting go would make him fade away.

“Iʼm here, Iʼm here... I forgive you- hey, can you hear me? Sanemi?”

No reaction. Alright, that wouldʼve been too good to be true. But whatever it is about his presence, Sanemi senses at least some of it and Masachika wants cry with how happy he is.

But he doesnʼt, just squeezes his shoulder tighter; “Iʼll keep an eye on your brother, I promise.”

Sanemi wipes his tears and stands up, his posture way more relaxed than before. “Iʼll be back tomorrow.”

Masachika watches as he walks away, his cheeks almost hurting from how much heʼs smiling.

“Iʼll be waiting.”

#i just needed to get this out #rey writes #demon slayer #kimetsu no yaiba #demon slayer fic #angst-ish #masachika kumeno #kumeno masachika #sanemi shinazugawa #shinazugawa sanemi #genya is mentioned #demon slayer spoiler #demon slayer manga spoiler #post canon

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