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kyoupann · 9 months

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From almost a year ago; what multiple scoliosis looks on me

So, my hip is a lil bit slanted and that makes one of my legs longer than the other; and so my spine tried to balance things out by turning into an S-shape. I never really considered it a disability because I can go on with my day most days without pain, even when the doctor who diagnosed me was like "yup, if you have kids you're gonna suffer even more and by 40 you'll probs need a wheelchair";

however, there are moments after walking for long periods (or really just bad days) where my hips hurt so bad I just wanna pass out, trying to walk real fast makes my right hip make a popping sound and it's painful, like a cramp. When I am with people that walk faster than my top speed (most of my friends rip) I either gotta try to keep up and bear the pain or stay behind watching the distance between us grow. It's really isolating in that sense. I can't lift more than 15k without my back resenting it later (I can't carry one of my dogs :( ) and let's not talk about sports that involve running 😂 I used to dance and that in of itself was a challenge for me; I'd be so sore after each routine, even after warming up. Wearing a back-brace(? Support thingy helps when sitting down for long periods but other than stretching exercises, there isn't much I can do about my fucked up back

Sometime all September and October last year I was going through a very hard time dealing with body image issues. Tbh, I'm still am. So I did the very logical thing of taking some pics and painting them. This was the first time I had ever done some sort of portrait and it was cathartic in a way; I encountered the idea that my body will never look a certain way because of my back issues. I have always had "love handles" more noticeable on one side than the other. I'd think that if my back was a bit straighter, I'd probably not have them at all. The amount of times I've tried to stand as straight as possible, trying to get them to disappear... yeah, that's embarrassing. But oh well, surgery isn't really an option for me so I gotta work on making peace with them🫠. Which is something I want to work on, so here's to that!

Anyways, I spent a good chunk of this month thinking if I should post in this so here it goes aaa

#Hpersonal #bullet journal #scoliosis awareness #scoliosis #disability month #disability pride month #anyways I rememver that I was really proud of how the skin turned out I actualy felt good after painting this #catch me coming to term with calling this a disability even though I didn't really consider it one until recently that it dawned on me #that I can't do lots of things because of it #and while it would be considered a mild case #it's still very uncomfortable to live with it #sobs I just leaned back and my spine popped #anyways shout out to me falling off a horse for getting me diagnosed!!#if that hadn't happened I would probably be living in pain that didn't know where it came from #I think what bothers me the most about this whole thing is that people think I'm lazy for not engaging in more active activities #when in fact I do want to #I just don't want to be in pain yk #also it okie to reblog or whaetver :'D

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zenmai--jikake--no--komoriuta · 2 months

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MiqoMarch'24, Day #7: - light -

A bit of a different take on this prompt, today is all about sin eater D'nyr from the point of view of an alternate timeline where he really did become a Lightwarden!

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀- observations log. 1/5/XX, day.?? - ……..thus the creature was bestowed the title of Forgiven Temperance by its former allies, following the meaning of self-sacrifice and asceticism; excessive restraint/repression of one’s self for others benefit. At his core, one can suppose that this was both his fatal flaw and driving virtue! The poor soul… To date, nobody knows for sure what the beast fully looks like, not even those who fled the site of its transformation at the depths of The Tempest! It has scarcely budged from its initial location a few moons ago… obvious logistical reasoning aside, only a scant few exploration teams have had the wherewithal to venture down there past the safety of the Ondo's dwellings. Reports have led us to believe that the creature is covered in sharp spines and has monstrously large "claw-hands" (as it was described), or possibly some sort of scorpion-like tail as well? Its profile is unclear and hard to make out in the murk from such a distance, but one thing is unanimously clear; all of our teams have fled after seeing what they claimed to be "horrifying gold eyes" staring back at them! Yet the beast has not once given chase upon sighting our researchers, which is just as unsettling as it is perplexing… Due to the unique constraints inherent to its location, we are at present unable to cull the Lightwarden and return the night to the region of Kholusia. Mercifully, its light has not pierced anywhere else due to the sheer distance from the water's surface acting as a convenient attenuating filter, but one could surmise that if the beast were to emerge then all of Norvrandt would be under light pall again… its effect on the populace is quite clear: residents have responded with equal levels of fear and also apathy to this situation, as while some are content to live their lives as they had been before (with the beast effectively "out of sight and out of mind" and therefore not a problem), others are starting to become fearful of the ocean entirely (a complicated notion, due to their relative proximity at all times to it)! Disquieting rumors have started to spread amongst fishermen and sailors alike, that if you venture too close to the ocean you'll be dragged under by the Lightwarden, never to be seen again… though one would hope most people would question how bogus this sounds-- if you'll excuse me interjecting my own personal opinion... at this juncture I simply cannot see the Lightwarden ascending from the briny deep just to prey on hapless passersby when it has showed absolutely no inclination towards moving from even just one single spot-- it has nonetheless had a noticeable impact on the region's imports and exports of fish, so now we must find an effective way to quell the people's terror to rectify the economic impacts alongside dealing with the creature too………..

------ (as a bonus, have the rough draft of his Lightwarden trial encounter under the cut! because I am sad it will never get to see the light of day otherwise and I was proud of the concept years ago lmao)

CONCEPT: . Overall theme is “the breaking down of appearances to reveal what was always there, but hidden away”-- stage and boss both change per phase to reflect this, going from a more idealistic “this is what the WoL as a sin-eater would look and fight like” to a “ohhh god what is that that’s not the WoL anymore” . Mechanics are based around D’nyr’s repressed feelings towards others (loneliness, anger/the need to lash out sometimes, not always saying how he feels, his dislike of others putting him on a pedestal, etc.) and the world at large (eg. the fragility of life, futility of some things, etc.) and his unfulfilled hopes and wants (to live unfettered by responsibility to the world, to settle down with a family of his own someday, etc.)

PHASE 1: . Certain mechanics grant a stacking buff to the boss (Fervent Denial), which is necessary to progress the fight! These mechanics have an interrupt bar and represent the feelings and things that D’nyr has repressed-- if the cast is interrupted, the buff will not be given, increasing the flat % of damage taken from the ultimate attack at the end of the next phase [it's calculated based on the damage dealt to the boss in the first phase (% thresholds that indicate how much it weakens the overall ult damage by), as well as the actual phase progress bar (below 80% is no extra damage, at 80-90% it is +3% extra damage, 90-99% an 5% extra damage, and 100% a flat wipe)] . In a meta sense, the only way to put him down for good is to damage him when he is at his most vulnerable (ie, his final form), and the only way to get him to show that is to let him go berserk and not deny him the things he’s been disallowing himself all this time-- as D’nyr at his core would never allow himself these actions, it causes a “breakdown” of the mask (literally, the bosses’ one too [he has a blank slate mask with a golden kintsugi X like D'nyr's scar, for context]) and internal walls holding him back, fracturing his perceived sense of self and causing him to shift into a form that represents all of these denied things, which is what truly needs to be destroyed/purified! . Normal mode has 7 chances to grant Fervent Denial giving some leeway for mistakes (the buff stacks cap at 5 however, so it is not possible to get 7 stacks despite there being opportunities to do so), but Extreme only has the exact 5 chances needed to progress! If players have not let the boss reach at least 5 stacks by the time the hard-enrage longcast goes out, the party will wipe. . Fervent Denial also slightly increases damage dealt by the boss, so he will gradually hit harder and harder over time, plateauing right before the phase change. . After the boss uses its phase-shift move (what would normally be the yet-unnamed hard-enrage longcast), the stacking buff will disappear and the boss will become untargetable, beginning the DPS check phase.

DPS CHECK: . Unfinished from here on out-- but basically beating up… some kind of add, and while you do that the boss' mask slowly cracks with bright light before shattering into his second form and unleashing his ultimate attack (he becomes more agitated and spiny-looking but I never finished designing any of his forms so just imagine the possibilitiiiiies)

PHASE 2 & 3: . To be continued……. or not! maybe someday :')

#this was SO MUCH FUN #I've had sin eater stuff in the works for years and some finished scraps of info here and there but nothing complete enough to show #it's basically a few pages of bullet points spitballing various ideas but when I went to actually draw out and design the bastard-#-I could never make something I was completely happy with so I kept dropping the idea for later and never really finished it #it's a shame because I can FEEL internally like I have a great design somewhere in there but I can't seem to put it to paper well.......#I figured journal-style prose would be ideal for today bc I can be as vague as I want to explain the lack of concrete design lmao #ALSO I had none of the tempest stuff written beforehand and it all just snowballed and led more and more into itself as I wrote-- fantastic #it just writes itself and I'm so fucking jazzed about that because it's giving me fresh ideas to work with and augfljgfdk I LOVE IT #MiqoMarch2024 #MiqoMarch #ffxiv #d'nyr fellcrest #d'nyr

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maytheamazing · 1 month

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Hiiiii this March I startes up a brand new bullet journal and I wanted to share how I'm doing so far! I've taken a vow this journal to not make this stress me out whatsoever. Not allowed. This is supposed to be a TOOL to HELP me, and if it's not doing that something is terribly wrong.

I'm doing everything in pencil at first, so no pressure on myself for looking any certain way! And I gave myself plenty of space to put things on my schedule and then a little blurb of what happened that day. Using lots of different colours is a fantastic way to make your page look more colourful and visually interesting! And then once the page is done or mostly done I'll come in when I have some free time to put in stickers and doodles and markers to decorate!

#bullet journal #march #actually adhd #adhd #im currently high and im having a fantastic time decorating #i really want some stamps too

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highwaydiamonds · 1 year

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Bit of art journaling I completed playing with today (though bits and bobs of it have been drawn and worked on over time) includes some drawing, direct to paper work with inks, accents with metallic acrylographs, and clearly lots of collage messing about.

#i'd love to add more in acrylics and transparencies etc but rn that's not possible with my living situation- bc that would mean more mess #and i can't do more mess where i am - even playing with the inks i was sweating bullets that i was going to stain things #but i am trying to make more positive creative messes #and this is really just getting out some schtuff that i've been musing about - it's not the big thing - the big thing...#the big thing i haven't yet decided if i want to write about here - but would have to put it under a cut and i'm not sure it's worth it #but i'm not sure how to write it in the journal yet either.#it's something that happened to family of the people i live with and kind of ties in with some of what this page is about #and more- but isn't that always the tuth --- and more--#how is that not someone's memoir title yet ?? just: And More #art journal #art journaling #creative noises #a thing i made #sowing seeds

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running-in-the-dark · 3 months

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annnd of course tonight - when I finally have some motivation to get shit done - I am sooo dizzy. :)

#I just really. really. REALLY am tired of either my body or my brain being like you know what. fuck you. you feel bad now!#okay yeah I forgot to eat again or whatever but I finally did and it's not helped at all #I just miss being able to do.... anything at all.#so I guess I'm sitting down and watching the librarians and. idk working on my bullet journal or something. can't think of anything #else useful that would work right now.#but hey! at least I managed to finally dye my hair today! been wanting to do that for ages so that's nice #but whatever I'll go see if I can use a pen without everything looking all shaky 🙃#personal

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mothmanchronicler · 2 years

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here's a romance plot explainer i made because i'm a maniac and can't just write a fic for the fun of it

ps i made this for myself because i wanted to, but there are an endless amount of ways to structure and outline your fics and stories. just because this is a traditionally profitable and well known structure doesn't mean that fics/ stories need to have this structure to be good!! in fact, i think stories that deviate from a formula are fundamental to the literary world

#yes that's my bullet journal!!! no more to do lists i'm a full time fic writer now #anyway lots of my favorite long fics (and romance novels) follow these patterns and structures #and i noticed that i am more satisfied when long fics (i'm talking 150k+) use this blueprint because it creates a really #good emotional roller coaster momentum that carries me through the story #plus i think it's fun that for some reasons we as humans really just enjoy stories told in this way #somewhat interestingly the three act structure is often attributed to aristotle but that doesn't seem to be true #aristotle envisioned a two act structure for story telling (binding and unbinding) (before and after tragedy strikes)#there's so many more plot structures that are too complicated for me to think abt lol #if anyone ever wants me to regurgitate writing and plotting advice i'm here lol #i've researched myself into oblivion #how to write romance #fanfic #writing advice

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readingoals · 1 year

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Here's a little flip through of my reading journal for 2023!

#booklr #reading journal #my reading journal #bullet journal #video #meant to have this up a bit earlier but yknow how it be #it wasnt really done until a few days into jan and then other stuff happened #but anyway #if anyone wants a flipthrough of last years pages all filled in let me know lmao #(gotta admit i kinda hate what i did with the last pages where im writing about the books i read #defs gonna be making some changes to that #)

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hellcheerforeverfan · 4 months

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Things I want to do this year

sit in the sun

bask in the moon

read religious text

read 10 arthuriana books

bond with my horse

move out of my parents house

eat more fruit

Film the tv and film commentaries that I have been wanting to talk about for years

get comfortable talking on camera

do more yoga

#new years #my new years resolutions #? sort of #not really #just wants #because with my body I don't really want to put that much pressure on myself #text post #kensiethoughts #bullet list #journal entry #thoughts #feelings #philosophy

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sodacowboy · 4 months

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anyway I’m gonna list some good things that have happened to me/in my life in the tags

#1. I am very proud of my art progress this year!! I’m literally gonna do actual studies of people tomorrow too!!#2. My weekend trip up north last May! That was so fun and I loved seeing iargo springs #3. I found that doing dishes is calming and meditative for me (if certain accommodations are met)#4. So far bullet journaling is really helpful for me! I love having a list of tasks and being able to cross them off #and it helps me keep up with habits and it keeps me more on track and it’s easier to switch between tasks when they’ve been preplanned #5. The cake I made for my grandpas birthday was a hit!! He really liked it and so did everyone else who tried it #6. My brother bought me a set of Bluetooth headphones and I fucking love these things #(aside from general tech issues)#it’s so so nice to not be bound by a cord and to just wear them as noice cancelling ones too #it’s GREAT to not hear the light in my kitchen or any other little noise that bothered me #7. I found a pair of jeans!!! that fit me really well!!! and I found them practically on the first try!!!#I didn’t get frustrated and overwhelmed like I usually do when I have to shop for clothes #8. I started crocheting again this year! I’ve made two and 3/4 blankets and I love to have a blanket #9. Saved a cat from being put down unnecessarily. My aunt was neglecting her bc she couldn’t get close #meanwhile she let me hold her within ten minutes #and I found out her claws had started growing into her paw pads #and my aunt just wanted to put her down #and I was very insistent about Not Doing That #because the cat isn’t that old and she’s such a sweetheart!!!!#and now my brother takes care of her!!#10. I’ve made friends with some of the feral cats in the neighborhood #they’re not Friendly Friendly they’ve very much only friendly when I feed them #but they let me pet them and they like being pet #and so that definitely helps in being able to see if they need medical attention and getting them caught if they do #11. My cat has started a routine where she crawls under the blankets as I’m laying down to go to bed #and she’ll cuddle up for a half hour give or take #12. Blue Eye Samurai. That’s it. That’s number 12. I fucking love that show.#13. Across the Spiderverse. Same reasons.#14. I came out to my mom and brother and it went so much better than I feared it would #15. Fostered a cat we named Lux. He was the nicest most sweetest cat Ever!!!! He was adopted before the shelter even got his picture taken!

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unpretty · 5 months

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please imagine these bullet points as a series of posts made over the course of a semester in 2015, copied from the tumblr tag i made specifically to bitch about my econ/business government and society professor:

lmao econ prof arguing against the fda

we are also supposed to subscribe to the wall street journal for this class ahahaha like hell

I spoke up about this godawful climate change article and about how literally every fact I tried to check was wrong, he tried to argue that wasn’t the point of the article but it totally was

“Does anyone watch Fox News” this class in a nutshell

the professor in the class i hate is talking about how jesus would love capitalism because it has lifted so many people out of poverty

he’s complaining about progressive income tax lmao god i hate this class

LET THE FREE MARKET DECIDE unless the free market makes an anti-corporate decision, then consumers have been misinformed and the activists responsible should be ashamed of themselves

I hope everyone’s ready for Shitty Class Liveblogging because now he’s claiming that gas prices will never go back up and gas will always be cheap from now on and also peak oil is a lie

Now he’s talking about the story of Jonah and the whale as relates to this article he saw in the Wall Street Journal. Across the class, I see a girl squint into the middle distance and mouth the word, “what.”

“is it okay to fire a pizza delivery person who doesn’t want to drive to a bad neighborhood”

this is the literal worst and most bullshit explanation of utilitarianism I have ever experienced oh my god. for the purposes of this class we are supposed to ignore ‘for the greatest number’ as an aspect of utilitarianism. just. completely altering the basic foundation of utilitarianism as an idea. apparently the free market didn’t like the actual definition so they changed it.

THIS PROFESSOR IS PRO-ENRON I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW THIS IS A REAL THING #FREE MARKET IT WAS LEGAL FREE MARKET

“I don’t think we have very many people in the United States dying because they couldn’t afford medication” actual quote from this professor right now

lmao i’m in the class i hate, he’s complaining about net neutrality now

This just in: poor people are poor because they make bad decisions, the wealth gap can be eliminated by teaching poor people how to play the stock market. This is a real thing that he apparently gives presentations about. He gets paid to tell people this.

Shitty professor isn’t going to be there tomorrow but he wants us to come in anyway to listen to a lecture on CD. Not one of his, just generally. Like, a home learning thing he bought. We asked if he could just put it on Blackboard but he said he didn’t know how to put a CD on Blackboard.

lmao I fucking knew this was the great courses. this professor is off at a conference telling people to teach the poor to trade stocks and he’s just having us sit here listening to an audiobook course he paid for about philosophy.

shitty professor is arguing the necessity of child labor in third world countries because otherwise the children would starve and be prostitutes. yes those are definitely the only two options.

oh my god he just argued that the rich are a minority protected by the constitution

I was really embarrassed about getting a 67 out of 85 on this Business, Government, and Society test but then it turned out the class average was 40 and I got the highest grade in the class. My strategy of always picking the answer I find most morally reprehensible is going well for me.

Monopolies aren’t actually that bad! Also, unions are monopolies, which is bad. (i was the only one who got a lot of the essay questions right so I had to read them in class it was awful)

libertarian economist professor gets really emotional about animals and i think he just argued that if elephants were privately owned they wouldn’t be poached because no one poaches cows

It’s my last week in the class I hate before finals and I’m pretty sure he’s arguing that the Enron scandal happened because there was too much government regulation

oh my god he’s arguing that enron was trying to do california a favor by pointing out a flaw in their system (by exploiting it) h my god he’s not even addressing the fraud in their accounting this whole class has been leading up to his passionate defense of fucking enron

#original #he had nothing to do with the candy bar that was just a very funny punchline to my student loans

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urdepressedslut · 1 year

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I Get Scared Too

♡ Pairing: tfatws!Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader

♡ Summary: You have a close call during a mission, and back at the compound Bucky seems to be distant and cold towards you.

♡ Warnings: angst, fluff, reader injury, mentions of gunfire, hints to anxiety attack

A/N: this idea was from a dream i had (im a lucid dreamer). i have been writing in a dream journal since elementary school, so you can imagine the dreams i have jotted down 😭

The mission hadn’t gone to plan, shocker, but everyone kept all their limbs and were able to walk back to the quinjet.

You had a close call, you didn’t see the previously passed out agent sitting back up raising his gun to your back. Obviously before he could fire somewhere vital, Natasha had taken him down, faltering his aim. Although the bullet had skimmed you deep on your hip.

It was hardly life threatening, but Natasha being a protective best friend, scolded you for being reckless. You knew her intentions were good, and that she cared about you, but it didn’t stop you from being annoyed at her treating you like a kid.

She eventually walked to the other side of the quinjet, leaving you to your thoughts. You thought you had done really well, taking down twice as many enemies than last time. But of course, everyone always focused on your flaws, what you had done wrong.

When the quinjet finally landed back at the compound, you were the first one out, having a slight limp from the discomfort in your hip. But otherwise didn’t mind it, you wanted to find your favorite person and tell them all about the mission.

“FRIDAY, where’s Bucky?” You called out to the air once you were inside.

“Bucky is currently in his room, Miss (Y/n).” She announced, making you smile in excitement.

The mission had only been a three day trip, but you had missed him the second you stepped on the quinjet.

Arriving at his door, you knocked three times, hearing shuffling from inside. The door swung open to reveal an unhappy looking Bucky, causing your smile to waver. Assuming he was just having a bad day, you smiled wider and stepped forward to hug him.

“Hi Buck, I missed you.” You mumbled into his chest, squeezing him tighter when you didn’t feel him hug back.

His body tensed, and immediately you released him and stepped back. You were confused at what was wrong, his face was cold. You were hurt that he hadn’t hugged you back, wondering if you had done something to make him mad.

“Missed ya too um... You should go (Y/n).” He spoke finally, his voice holding annoyance.

You blinked up at him and shook your head, fully confused now.

“Buck wha— what’s going on?” You asked hesitantly, anxious that Bucky was being so short with you so suddenly and you didn’t know why.

“Nothing, I just wanna be alone.” He told you, and your heart broke for two reasons.

One, the thought of Bucky having an episode and you weren’t here for him made your heart hurt.

And two, he always came to you when he was upset and the fact that he didn’t want you with him… It stung.

You stared at him as your eyes started to water, your bottom lip starting to quiver. Your heart ached, but you wanted to respect his need for space. You didn’t know what else to say, and considering the lump forming in your throat, you decided to keep it short.

“Alright yeah, of course. I’ll… See you at dinner then.” You told him, watching him retreat back into his room and slam the door, making you flinch.

You were frozen in place, staring at the door expecting him to come back out and tell you it was all a prank. But several minutes passed and you were still staring at the door.

_____________________

You pushed the food around on your plate, keeping your eyes casted down. You had tried to get Bucky's attention, ever since you watched with glossy eyes as he passed his usual seat next to you, and instead sat at the other end of the table. He was avoiding your direction and never attempted to make eye contact.

Bucky giving you the cold shoulder, being silent with you was extremely painful. Considering how well you two communicated and talked, you were the one who had brought him out of his shell. It hurt so bad your chest ached physically.

Out of nowhere, you were slamming your fork down on the plate with a loud clank, causing everyones attention to snap to you.

"What's the matter with you cupcake?" Tony asked you, taking a sip from his wine glass.

Feeling embarrassed from everyones stares, you snuck a glance at Bucky at the end of the table, surprised when you met his concerned eyes.

You scoffed, shaking your head in bewilderment. He had no right to act concerned, after ignoring you. You almost felt bad for him, thinking he was having a bad day, but after you watched him chatter playfully at dinner with everyone, you realized it was only you he didn't want to speak to.

"Hello? Earth to (Y/n)!?" Tony announced, banging on the table to get your attention when he noticed you spacing out.

Everyone was concerned about you by now, all watching you carefully. You glared at Bucky and stood up without answering Tony, pushing your chair back and quickly exiting the dining room.

"Must be her time of the month." Tony mumbled, earning a slap to the back of the head from the redhead next to him. "Ow... What?!"

"Shut up Tony." Natasha rolled her eyes, turning to Bucky and giving him a 'What did you do' look.

_____________________

Laying in bed on your side, you pulled the blanket tighter to your chest with a sniffle. You began to turn over on your other side when your hip throbbed painfully at the movement. The waves of pain had your body shuttering, your eyes filling with fresh tears, rolling down your flushed cheeks.

You blamed your tears on your hip pain, but all the emotions you’d piled up since you’d gotten back from the mission was weighing on you now.

Light knocks sounded from your door, causing you to tense up and turn your back to the door. You didn’t feel like talking to anyone, especially if it was him.

“(Y/n)? I know you heard me.” Natasha muttered, opening the door, letting herself in.

“What do you want Nat?” You snapped, not meaning to take out your frustrations on her.

“You wanna tell me what’s going on? Your little scene downstairs has everyone worried.” She told you, earning a scoff from you, still refusing to face her.

“It’s nothing.” You sighed, wishing she could leave so you could attempt to sleep your issues away.

“Didn’t seem like nothing.” She retorted, huffing in annoyance when you stayed silent.

You were staring at the wall, biting your lip, trying to hold in your built up emotions. Too busy to notice Natasha whispering to another person entering the room. It was when you felt the edge of the bed behind you dip down that snapped your attention back.

“Hey doll,” Bucky greeted, “How’s your hip?”

You twisted your body back facing his worried form, but your eyebrows were furrowed on how he even knew about your injury.

“How did you…”

“Nat told me.”

Rolling your eyes, you were cursing under your breath. Throwing the blanket over your head in attempt to hide.

Your blanket cocoon was quickly ripped away by Bucky, pulling the blanket all the way down below your knees. His eyes dancing around your bandaged hip, clenching his jaw at the red seeping through the white gauze.

“(Y/n), is your hip feeling okay? Do we need to change it—“

“I’m fine!” You snapped, “Now go away.”

You we’re looking everywhere but his eyes, knowing you’d break down if you saw the disappointment in them.

Bucky was taken a back, but he couldn’t be all that angry when he’d brought all this on himself. He just got into this weird headspace when he’d heard the mission report, hearing that you’d been hurt. He realized it wasn’t fatal, but he didn’t like seeing his girl hurt at all. He realized he took it a little too far, he didn’t mean to make you upset the way he did. He’d shut you out and he felt like his old self when he’d first arrived at the compound again. Anxious and closed off, pushing you away when he really wanted to pull you into his arms and tell you how much he loves you.

“Doll, talk to me.” He practically begged, his metal arm whirring, having to stop himself from reaching out to touch you.

“Why are you ignoring me?” You rushed out, your voice louder than you intended it to be, “Is it because I messed up on the mission? A-are you disappointed in me or something? Huh?”

Your chest was rising and falling in a fast rhythm, your mind going haywire at the possibilities of why Bucky was suddenly indifferent with you. Your throat felt like it was tightening up.

Bucky stayed silent, his heart hurting, feeling terrible for making you feel this way.

You couldn’t stop your mind from producing the awful thoughts, and like a switch had been flipped, the dam inside of you cracked. The tears wouldn’t stop, your sobs painful sounding

“Is it… Is it because you— I— Do you not love m-me anymore?” You wheezed out.

Bucky snapped out of his silent trance, his hands cupping your face, brushing away the tear streaks.

“Baby no…” He hushed, trying to stop your mind from torturing yourself.

“I’m so sorry Buck, I-I love you so much and I…” You hiccuped, “If I did something— If I’m not good enough—“

“No Doll hey… Stop that,” He cooed, “You haven’t done anything wrong, okay?”

“Bu-but you…”

“I know baby, I’ve been a dick. I shouldn’t of shut you out like that I was just… I was scared.” Bucky confessed, your tears and breathing slowing down, you sitting silent besides the occasional hiccup.

“I still… I don’t understand?” You thought out loud.

Bucky breathed heavily, swallowing the forming lump in his throat. He scooted closer to you, pulling your form closer to him, and you let him.

“(Y/n), you have no idea how scared I was when I heard you had gotten hurt.” He started, watching your face soften at his wavering voice.

“Buck, I’m okay though.” You reassured him, grabbing his palms, rubbing your thumb comfortingly over the back of his hand.

“I know baby, but… I couldn’t help but think if you got hurt on a mission and—“ He panted out, “And you didn’t make it.”

Your heart ached at the pain laced in his words, him holding onto your hands in a desperate grip.

“Buck..”

“I know that doesn’t give me an excuse to be a dick to you I… I just get into this headspace every time you are headed back from a mission, when I’m waiting to hear that you’re alright and… When I heard you had gotten hurt— I just assumed the worst.” He finished.

The disappointment was clear on his face, but it wasn’t directed toward you, it was directed to himself.

You understood that he meant no harm, and you felt incredibly bad that he suffered so much while you were gone, you thought it was the other way around. You felt extremely loved in a sense, feeling lucky enough to have someone worry as deep as he did for you.

“Buck, you should’ve just told me how you were feeling from the start. You know I’d listen,” You paused, doubt clouding your thoughts, “You still trust me enough to talk to me… Right?”

Bucky immediately nodded his head, cupping your face, hearing your faltering voice.

“Of course I do baby, I trust you with my life.” He reassured you, “I don’t know why I got like that.”

“I know why,” You started, cradling his face, watching him snuggle his cheek deeper into your palm, “You have a good heart, and sometimes having a good heart can be overwhelming, because you can care so much about something.”

“I don’t want a good heart if it’s going to make me act that way.” He whispered sadly, lowering his eyes.

“That’s the thing about having a good heart,” You lifted his head slightly so his eyes met yours, “Its not something you can just change, it’s a part of you.”

He gazed from each eye, to your lips, then back up to your eyes, mesmerized by your beauty and soul. How could you be so forgiving and caring towards him?

“I’m so sorry I shut you out (Y/n), I love you and I will never do something like that again.” He promised, lifting and pulling you into his lap, curling his arms around your frame. Sitting his chin on top of your head.

You snuggled your face into his neck, wrapping your arms around him protectively.

“It’s okay Buck, I get scared too.”

#reader insert #light angst #fluff #oneshot #imagine #bucky x female reader #buckybarnes #bucky x y/n #falcon and the winter soldier #tfatws #marvel cinematic universe #sebastian stan characters #hurt/comfort #protective bucky barnes

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dancingdonatello · 3 months

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Hiya can I get a one-shot of 2018 f!turtles separately finding out they have a daughter with their crush? Like how would they react? Like the girl comes to the present time and they look like their respective dads and also have a hidden similarity to their "mother figure". (I hope I'm using the right gn term for it, if not I apologize I'm unfamiliar with the terms.)

Thank you

rottmnt x gn reader

When Casey introduced the new turtle to Raph and his brothers, Raph didn’t really have an opinion. That was up until Casey revealed that it was his daughter. When he asked who was their other parent or did he raise them with anyone, Casey just smiled awkwardly.

Maybe Raph didn’t know them yet.

His daughter swayed back and forth nervously, asking Casey if she really wasn’t allowed to say who in fear of breaking time rules or whatever. And that’s when it clicked for Raph.

His crush, who he may or may not have been keeping away from his family so that he could spend the most time with them, did that too. Whenever they were nervous, they swayed.

It had been a week and Leo had finally decided to believe that this young turtle was his daughter in the future. She shared a lot of traits with him, not just the red stripes along his eyes. She had a good sense of humor (it had his brothers groaning), she liked comics, she liked basketball, she cracked her knuckles like he did, and she even knew some spanish.

There was one thing different though. She had a totally different laugh them him. But it sounded so familiar to him that it always caught him off guard. He listened to his family’s laughter, wondering if she picked it up from one of them. But no, it didn’t sound similar enough.

It wasn’t until he was horribly flirting with you and that you ended up laughing at one of his fails when he realized that his daughter’s laugh matched yours. Perfectly matched. He didn’t know what relieved him more, that he kept you laughing in the future or that you were able to put up with him long enough to raise a kid with him.

Donnie didn’t really think he ever wanted to be a father. But when a turtle younger with a soft shell and matching goggles (which he was later told was actually his that she took in the future), he inferred that for some reason he had changed his mind. But he couldn’t figure out what could’ve been enough to convince him.

Mikey demanded a family photo upon seeing the cute turtle. He gathered up everyone, including you and Casey and Draxum.

When Donnie looked at the photo, he noticed both you and his daughter were shyly covering their smiles with a hand in the photo.

That ended up being the first bullet point in his new journal as he began to observe both your traits and his daughter traits. When he reached about 50 shared mannerisms, he finally allowed himself to believe that he had a chance with you. Or at least, future him did.

“You guys didn’t tell me you had a sister!” you complained, rocking on the balls of your feet as you observed this new turtle. She was even shorter than you and Mikey.

She nervously stepped back and mirrored you, rocking on her feet as well.

Mikey blinked and looked back and forth between you two, the cogs and wheels in his brain slowly turning.

And then you both sneezed the same way. And then you both smiled the same way. And then—

Mikey could barely contain himself. He launched over to you and grabbed you, hugging you so tightly you wheezed for air.

#rottmnt x reader #tmnt x reader #rise tmnt x reader #2018 tmnt x reader #donatello x reader #raphael x reader #leonardo x reader #michelangelo x reader #rise donatello x reader #rise leonardo x reader #rise raphael x reader #rise michelangelo

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beegalactica · 4 months

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How I journaled every day in 2023, and you can too in 2024

I heard someone wants to become "that girl" in 2024...

Well, let me tell you, "that girl" is the type of babe who embodies consistency; consistency in her thoughts, feelings, words and actions. Now one of the ways I have personified this aura of consistency is through frequent inward reflection through journaling.

I know, we've heard it a million times now. And with the new year approaching, it's so easy to set the intention to journal every day and do it well. News flash, my love, you must do much more than just set the intention. Let me tell you how I did it so you can do the same ~

Equipment

Believe me, I've tried it all: countless notebooks, diaries, bullet journals, apps, all of it, but this past year, only one app *stuck* for me, and that is Notion. Whether you prefer to journal with a good old pen and paper, or even if you prefer to make a big Google document, go for it!

The reason I settled on Notion was its table view/ calendar view database features. I liked being able to add properties like what rating out of 5 I would give my day or being able to label whether I was on my period, or any major milestones. I found that these labels made it really fun to look back and laugh at all the crazy things that I came up with, and reminisce over those 5/5 star days when I really felt like that girl. (see example below)

What the hell do you write about?

"You can write about whatever you feel like!" is the usual response, and while that's great if you're anything like me, you'll need more detail than that. I opted for some classic prompts that I would simply respond to at the end of every day, but if you want to freestyle it, try some shadow work prompts, or even just sum up your day in one sentence, you are more than welcome to.

My prompts were:

1. Three wins of the day: 2. One thing I learned today: 3. One thing I will do tomorrow: 4. Am I worried about anything? 5. Favourite thing of my day: 6. Song of the day: 7. A story from today: 8. An affirmation for my mind to sleep on:

You don't have to write paragraphs upon paragraphs if you don't want to, and some days, it might be hard to even think of three wins, but an it girl can be present and celebrate the endless blessings in life, even when it seems like there are none.

How to be consistent?

Going back to the central theme of this post, consistency, it is important to acknowledge that no matter how pretty you make your journal, or how thought-provoking your prompts are, the most important thing is to actually do it.

Life is fluid, it's never going to be linear. Some days you'll feel amazing, gorgeous and ready to take on anything, but other days you'll just wish you were a flower instead that doesn't have to deal with anything. That's just life. Some days, the last thing on my mind was my silly little journal, but I knew it was something I needed to do for myself, so I took 2 minutes to write a few sentences down, even when I'd rather be doing other things.

How to maintain your consistency:

Set reminders - at the start of the year, I had 2 reminders every day to journal; after the first few months, I cut it down to just one at 9pm, and by the end of the year, I was just doing it because it had become a routine for me.

Reward yourself - at first, you'll just be able to say you journaled for 1 day, then it will be 2 days, then slowly up to 1 week, 1 month, and soon you'll be like me, bragging about how you did it for a whole year! It's an accomplishment! Never lose sight of that.

Be kind to yourself - ultimately, this should be something you do for you and you only, so if you miss a day, it's not the end of the world. Every now and then, I didn't journal for a day - maybe I was too busy, or just exhausted by the time my day was over - so I accepted it and caught up first thing the next day. You make your own rules.

JUST START!!!!!!! - do it! Even if you mess up, start again and again and again! Nothing changes if nothing changes.

What's the point?

You've read this far, and you may be wondering, what's the point of journaling?

Well, I can confidently say that journaling changed my outlook on life immensely. 2023 was the best year I've had so far. Yes, there were setbacks: I lost friends that I thought would have forever, I struggled with my mental and physical health, and I reached points where I thought I was too low to get back up. But recording little bits about my day every day showed me, with actual tangible proof, that I will always get back up. I also had some amazing moments this year: I started a whole new school and era of my life, I made amazing friends, I fell in love with myself again and I found my voice.

Journaling has helped me to see the little positives in everyday life. Even when a situation seemed absolutely awful and I thought that I could never recover from it, I developed the mindset that not only could I recover, but I would absolutely recover. This new mindset helped me to laugh at myself in moments when a previous version of me would've shrivelled up into a ball and disappeared from the outside world.

Looking back over my life these past 365 days has helped me cultivate a new outlook on life, where I don't see setbacks as obstacles or barriers to my success, but as little stories to journal and laugh about when I inevitably overcome them. If that isn't the most it girl attitude to have, then I don't know what else is!

Journaling changed my life, and I hope that it can change yours too! Happy 2024! 🎀

#lifeblr #girlblogging #journal #journalling #girlblogger #becoming that girl #that girl #it girl #self improvement #new year new me #new year new you #goal setting

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weirdly-specific-but-ok · 4 days

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Just had the wild realisation that I can write whatever I want here. This is a thing that I am allowed to do. I can scream into the void. I don't have to tag my posts. Grammar is a social construct. It doesn't matter who's listening. The people I love and who love me will talk to me posts or no posts. Someone's going to read this and smile. Even if it's just me.

I can watch only the finales of shows to see their happy endings. I can eat cornflakes in the afternoon. I can go into bookstores just to creepily stare at the hardcovers of Victorian literature. I can write meticulous notes for subjects I'm not studying, and highlight it to Pinterest perfection. I can tell people I want to bite them out of sheer love. I can write long emails to my friends about weird slippers that remind me of them.

I can tell you that it's been a hot year, the hottest one to date, and that April hasn't seen a single drop of rain fall onto the earth. But it's hanging in the air, making it heavy with moisture and that relentless, relentless heat. It's muggy and the swamp theme I chose for my bullet journal couldn't be more appropriate. I can tell you how I keep singing that song in my head, Corner Of My Sky, the one whose music video has Michael Sheen wrangling with an occult toaster. "The rain, the rain, the rain, thank god the rain."

I can tell you anything I like. I can tell you that I'm afraid of being forgotten, that I've always longed to be famous, that I have a hard time not caring about every single little thing. I can tell you that I'm ace and I'm afraid that no one will ever love me the way I need them too, even if I love them the way that they need me to. I can tell you the nightmares have gotten better, but they're still there, they don't seem to want to leave me. I can tell you that I'm so much more ill and broken than I dare think about. Because I am afraid that if I start thinking about it, I shan't stop, and then it will become everything. And I don't want it to be everything. I can tell you that. I can tell you that I have beautiful memories, too, not just the fear and the loss and the anger.

I can tell you that I'm a performer, an entertainer, and I love making people laugh. I'm more comfortable on stage, where people are already listening, than trying to go up and make conversation to groups of strangers. I can tell you how wonderful it feels to have been able to speak to so many people all around the world, to have them know me, to listen to me, and to listen to them in turn. I can tell you that I don't know where to draw the line sometimes, I'm never entirely sure when I'm joking, and the act easily becomes a second skin. I can tell you all of that.

I can tell you all the things that I used to tell myself in letters sealed in envelopes addressed to Future Me. And it won't matter, and it does matter, and it's all so fucking absurd. It doesn't make any sense at all. Does it? I don't know. I can tell you that I don't know very much at all. Knock knock. Who's there? No one. No one who? No one who matters. Knock knock. I haven't been able to walk around for a month. This room is an oven and I'm being slow-cooked, broiled into a little Asmi pie. I read fanfiction yesterday after a long while. That was nice. I think it's really cool that you all know me. You do know me. Sometimes better than I know myself. I can tell you that.

I can tell you the truth. I can tell you I love you. And that to be seen and to be known is a gift that I will always be grateful for. I can tell you that you don't have to listen. But if you do, then hi! Nothing makes sense. Let's sit in the nonsense for a while. I have biscuits. Would you like one? I'm very human. It's one of the things that gets me so easily hurt. Maybe it happens to you too. I can tell you that my plant Crowley is surviving, unlike the others did. I can tell you that maybe you and I are, too.

It's 8:02 in the morning. I might just eat breakfast now. It does seem like the thing to do. How weird and wonderful that is.

#unravelling rambles

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