I can’t do anything right
I’ve fucked up again.
I thought I’d found a clever coping mechanism of wanting to feel like I was talking to someone and telling them my issues without actually impacting them.
I was sending my best friend messages on snapchat about all of the shit that’s hit me today, here are some of the highlights:
“I’ve realised that you’ll never love me as a friend the way I love you”
“I have BPD but I can’t tell you that because you’ll think I’m copying you”
“I want to die”
I was just messaging him these things to get it off my chest, and then once I was finished I’d delete all the messages before he woke up tomorrow and if he asked what they were I’d tell him I was just getting shit off my chest.
I never meant for him to see them. I thought he was asleep. But then he opened them while I was typing my next message and I had to try to delete them but I think he saw them and my heart was racing so fast.
He doesn’t need any of my bullshit, especially not when he’s got loads of stuff going on himself, like shit had happened to him that day and here I was piling my shit on top of it.
I just feel so fucking stupid for thinking I could cheat the universe into letting me feel a little bit better.
And he told me he wants to be there for me but he just can’t and I told him that’s okay but I feel bad.
Part of me is worried that after we finished our conversation he worried about me and that I’m a horrible person for adding to his worries because what if he struggles to sleep tonight because he’s worried I’m going to do something stupid.
And then I cycle back round to remembering that no, he probably saw all those messages and thought “for fucks sake I’m going to have to explain to this loser that I can’t deal with any of his shit as if it wasn’t already obvious enough” and then after we finished talking he moved on and went to sleep and didn’t spare a thought about me.
And I just wrote out a long apology message that I want to send him when I know for sure he’s asleep but I kept writing “don’t worry” and then realising that I’m assuming that he gives a shit about me enough to worry and I don’t know whether to send it or not. Because I know from my perspective I’ve written it with “I’m so sorry, I’m so worthless I’m such an idiot please ignore me and carry on with everything you’re doing” but I know to someone else it looks like “I’m sorry that you can’t help me when I’m struggling even though I always help you even when I’m struggling and I wish you were a better friend to me”.
I sound like such a weird clingy dickhead to him but I can’t help it. I feel like I should just leave him alone, he’d be better off without a mess like me in his life, he just doesn’t know it yet.