#i watched it 2 with hannah two days ago and ive been thinking about this ever since

[stranger-awakening]

Y’all ever think about how Stan’s last thought(s) were about Bill?? Not all of the losers ... not arguably his best friend Richie ... not even his Wife that he was super happily married to ... just Bill. That was pretty fucking gay of him huh

#it chapter 2 #stanbrough #stenbrough #stan uris #stanley uris #bill denbrough #i watched it 2 with hannah two days ago and ive been thinking about this ever since #stan remembered he was in love with bill his whole childhood and it knocked him out #m:it #jess rants about life

[walkerwords]

“The Bowman’s Sister” Part 2 of 4 - Daryl x Sister!Reader

GIF CREDIT: https://gfycat.com/queasycourageouskookaburra

PART I PART III PART IV

Word Count: 3194

Daryl Dixon & Sister!Reader (Rick x Reader in future)

Warning: none

Song I Wrote To: “Silhouettes” by Of Monsters And Men

Summary: After being reunited with your brother, Daryl, you try to adapt to the prison life by talking to Carl, going on a run, and getting to know some of your new fellow survivors. 

Note: Yeah, that summary is shit, but this is the continuation of part one. Not sure how long this will be, but I wanna see what where I can go with it. I won’t be uploading on any schedule as of right now, but I’ll let ya know if i do.

------

That night you lay awake, your eyes on the ceiling.

You had convinced Daryl to retake his bed as you took the top bunk. He had offered to find you a cell of your own, but you had decided to stay with him as long as he would have you. You weren’t ready to sleep alone again.

Below you, you could hear your brother’s snores. He had crawled into his bed only an hour ago as he switched his watch shift with Sasha. Apparently, they needed more security due to a threat that was not exactly gone. Michonne had told you about the Governor and Woodbury. You had heard of the town in passing but never ventured there yourself. It seemed too good to be true and apparently it was.

You learned that one of their people, Andrea, had died there and then Daryl was the one to tell you that the Governor was the one to kill your big brother. However, it was Maggie who later told you that Daryl was the one to put him down the second time and that nearly broke you. You and Merle were supposed to be the older siblings, the ones that looked out for Daryl, and yet here was looking after the both of you.

Slipping your hand under your pillow, you pulled out the knife Daryl had given to you earlier that day. He also gave you new bullets for your gun. You kept your pistol with your bow and quiver down below, but the knife was never far from your reach. 

The problem was, you weren’t sure if you trusted these people. 

There was no denying that you loved your brother and that Rick seemed to be different than you first thought, but the welcoming demeanor was still a bit of a shell shock and it would take some time. Something about the prison reminded you of the old apartment building you used to live in when you and Carter first got together. Merle had said that it also reminded him of being on the inside. 

Thinking of Merle put a heaviness on your heart. You didn’t want all the gory details, but you needed to know what had happened. A part of you needed to go find the man that did this to you and your brother. You were gathering, however, that Merle was not exactly a welcome addition to the group when your brothers had met up with the rest of them in Atlanta.

You understood that. Merle Dixon was a tough asshole to get along with. He even bashed on Daryl when he got the chance, but he had always had a soft spot for you and you also knew he took the brunt of the beatings your father dished out. There wasn’t even a grave you could visit, but then again, Carter and Hannah didn’t have graves either. 

Carefully, so as to not wake Daryl, you slid off the bed and lightly landed on the stone floor. You froze, waiting for him to wake up, but he remained asleep, his arm thrown over his stomach as he slept off his long day. Grabbing your bow and quiver, you stepped out of your cell and into the main block. Snores echoed around you as you slowly made your way to the main door, needing to be out of the cramped building. 

As soon as the night air and the sounds of the Dead at the fence met your ears it was oddly comforting. Taking a deep breath, you moved through the courtyard, keeping your eyes on the Walkers. The word these people used for the Dead was slowly growing on you. 

You made your way through the first gate and over to one of the empty watchtowers. Sasha was in the tower to your left, but you ignored her obvious glances and climbed the stairs. As soon as you exited onto the platform, it was as if you could finally breathe. Of course, you were happy to be with Daryl and safe behind fences, but the cell had been near suffocating. Even with the Walkers and the Living out to get you, you had to admit that you felt better outside. 

Leaning next to the railing, you crossed one foot over the other and listened to the world. Your mind kept wandering to how the world used to be. It was the simple things you thought of: the sounds of kids after school as they played at parks or on their bikes; the ambient noise of a TV being left on in the background of the house; even the occasional roar of a plane in the sky above. 

The night was now clear and full of stars. Without all the light pollution, it was as if you were looking at a different sky. 

The sound of someone clearing their throat startled you. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to sneak up on you.” You turned to see Carl exiting the tower behind you, his hat slightly askew. 

“It’s fine, I didn’t think anyone would be up here,” you said, relaxing again. 

“Yeah, we usually have at least two people on watch at a time.” 

“Because of the Governor?” you asked. Carl nodded, joining you at the railing. 

“Yeah,” he agreed, “and to make sure the fences hold.” You nodded, fiddling with a ribbon that was tied around your left wrist. When you noticed Carl staring at the movement, you tugged your sleeve back down. Carl was quiet for a moment before turning to you again. “Are you okay?” he asked. 

“Just not used to being...secure, I guess,” you admitted. 

“I get that,” Carl said. “This is the first place we’ve found that has been this safe. We were at a farm for a while, but it got overrun. We lost people there...and here.”

“I’m sorry,” you said and you were. It was never easy losing people, especially at his age. “Your mom?” you asked, noticing nobody had claimed themselves to be Judith’s mother. 

“She died when Judith was born. I had to put her down a second time.” Jesus, you said to yourself. You reached out carefully and squeezed his shoulder. 

“That’s rough,” you told him. “My mom died when I was around your age too.” 

“I know,” Carl said, “Daryl told me about the fire.” There was a touch of a smile on your face as you thought of that. Daryl telling the young boy of your mother to comfort him was nice to hear. It was a very Daryl thing to do.

“Hey,” you said, looking at him in the darkness, “you still have your dad and sister, right? And from what I can tell, the people here care about you. Don’t forget you still have family, okay?” Carl gave you a small smile of his own. 

“Why are you up here?” he asked. 

“Couldn’t sleep,” you said with a shrug. 

“Me neither” he admitted. You thought for a moment before pulling your quiver off your back and digging the glue and extra fletching from the small pocket on the side. 

“Well, do you wanna learn to fletch some arrows?” you offered. You waved one of your projectiles at him before a smile spread across his face.

“Definitely,” he said. You nodded to sit down next to you against the tower wall and together you got to work on fixing and fletching some more arrows for you. You would need to fashion some more bolts for Daryl as well. As Carl carefully worked next to you, you assisted in whatever he was having trouble with, but the kid caught on quick. 

As the night wore on, fatigue finally caught up, and slowly, you drifted off to sleep with the kid next to you, already passed out on his own.  

------

The next morning you were down by the fences.

You worked with Beth, killing the Walkers that pressed against the fence. Using the end of a sharpened broom, you easily sunk the wood into the decaying flesh and if you were being honest with yourself, it was oddly therapeutic.

You kept thinking back to the conversation you had had with the younger Grimes the night before. It was one of the nicest conversations you had had since the world had ended. Just two people watching the stars and listening to one another. You were hoping for that to happen again and maybe even with someone over the age of sixteen.

Beth was getting tired so you gestured back up to the cell block to grab something to eat. She agreed and the two of you started to head back. As you stepped into the thick grass of the field, a familiar sound echoed through the air. The Walkers groaned louder as the rumble of a motorcycle split the air. 

Merle’s motorcycle. 

A grin spread across your face as Daryl rode out towards the front gate. Rick was waiting for him with Glenn, both armed and ready to head out. “Beth, I’ll meet up with you in a bit, okay?” 

“Okay,” she said, touching your arm briefly before heading to find her sister. You approached the three men, your hands slipping into your pockets. 

“Going out?” you asked, stopping next to your brother. He nodded. 

“We need medicine and some more clothes for the little one,” Daryl explained, not looking at you. 

“Great, let me grab my stuff and I’ll come with,” you said, already knowing what he was going to say. 

“Yer stayin’ here,” he told you, his blue eyes locking with yours finally. 

“Why’s that? Ya’ll got a rule against women going on runs?” you asked, even though you knew Michonne had gone out just yesterday for a few hours on her horse. 

“Ya just got here, (Y/N),” Daryl said, “take some time to rest.” You looked at Rick and Glenn, gauging their faces. 

“We could use another set of eyes,” Glenn offered and you gestured to Glenn expectantly. 

“Daryl,” Rick said, gaining the other man’s attention. “We’ll keep an eye on her. Besides, you were the one who told me she was a good shot.” You raised a brow at that. Daryl chewed on the inside of his cheek for second before nodding. 

“Fine,” he conceded, “grab yer bow.” 

------

You clutched at Daryl’s waist as he roared down the road. 

It had been a while since you had been on a bike, this one in particular. The feel of the bike was familiar and it made you smile as you leaned your head on Daryl’s shoulder, watching the forest pass by in a green blur. Rick and Glenn followed in a car as Daryl led them towards a strip mall not too far from the prison. You would be back before dark. 

You passed Walkers on the road, some barely able to move as they were missing limbs and baking in the Georgia sun. You kept your head ducked behind Daryl’s back to block the wind as he sped through the dilapidated roads, careful to dodge any debris on the road ahead.

Another ten or so miles and he slowed, turning into the mall. You climbed off the bike as he put down the kickstand and stretched out your legs and back causing Daryl to chuckle. “Shut up, it’s been a while,” you defended. Daryl raised his hands in surrender and picked up his crossbow, loading a bolt.

Rick and Glenn joined you both as you surveyed the buildings before you. “Drug store is there,” Glenn pointed to a building with thick bars on the windows. “No guarantee anything will be left, but we’re running low and the Doc is gonna need them when it gets colder out.” 

“(Y/N),” Rick said, gaining your attention, “what did you do before the Turn?” Daryl snorted and you smacked his shoulder.

“I was a psychiatrist, specifically for veterans,” you explained. 

“She was a shrink,” Daryl corrected and you responded with a roll of your eyes. 

“You didn’t seem to mind when you stole my prescription pad,” you pointed out. 

“That was Merle, dumbass,” he scoffed as he headed to the car to grab some bags they had taken to fill. 

“So you know meds?” Glenn asked. “We have a few from the Doc to look for, but we don’t take him out of the prison just in case.” Glenn handed you a small list that Caleb, or Doctor S, had written for them.

“I know some of these,” you nodded. “Want me to take the pharmacy?” you asked, jabbing your thumb towards the drug store. 

“Sound good to me,” Glenn agreed. 

“Good,” Daryl said, tossing you a bag. “Let’s go.” You held your tongue about not needing a babysitter and saluted to the other men and followed Daryl. While Rick and Glenn scavenged for clothes and any other food they could find, Daryl broke the lock on the door of the drug store. 

Daryl went in first, his bow up and sweeping the aisles. You followed close by, watching his back. As you turned towards the final aisle in the small store, a Walker reached out and grabbed at Daryl’s boot. He wasted no time in shooting it through the eye.

Retrieving the bolt, he reloaded it and took another look around before nodding to you. “Seems clear, don’t drop yer guard,” he warned. 

“Yes, Sir,” you sassed and pushed past him. You scanned the many shelves, tossing things in your bag as you went. Daryl wasn’t far behind you and every time you looked at him, he quickly glanced away as if he had been staring at you, observing your every movement. 

Ducking into another aisle, you began grabbing up all the rubbing alcohol and bandages you could get, trying to keep out of his gaze. When a Walker, nearly just bones, grabbed your foot from under a collapsed shelf, your boot connected with its skull. The creature dropped immediately and you shook off the brain matter that stuck to the leather. 

“Ya okay?” Daryl asked, coming around the corner. 

“I’m fine, Daryl,” you said, stepping over the corpse and heading for the pharmacy at the back. Daryl wasn’t far behind, his own bag nearly half full already. You hopped up onto the counter and knocked against the metal cage a few times and listened. When nothing came for you, you dropped to the ground and started making your way through the inventory, searching for everything on Doc’s list.

Daryl grabbed up more bandages and even found a new pair of crutches for Herschel if he needed them. You continued through the pharmacy, but when you once again found Daryl watching you, you out down the bottle of pills you had been holding and faced him. “What is it, Daryl?” you asked. 

“Nothin’,” he mumbled, dropping his head. 

“Don’t ‘nothin’ me,” you said, reading him like a book. “What’s wrong? You still pissed I came with you guys?”

“Nah, that’s not it,” he said, looking at you again. You waited. Daryl sighed, hiking up his bow on his shoulder. “Yer too calm,” he said. “Yer whole family is gone and yer actin’ like nothin’ happened.” 

“Not all my family,” you reminded him. Daryl set his jaw. You stepped closer to him. “Daryl, I’m doing everything to keep it together right now,” you told him. “You think it’s easy for me to get up every morning with her face still in my mind? You think that I don’t hear her screams every time I go to bed or see Carter’s blood on my hands every time I kill a Walker? I see them and feel them every damn day, but I don’t have the luxury to wallow and break down. If I sit and cry and don’t keep goin’, I’ll die and then their deaths mean nothing.”

“I know,” he whispered. 

“You know what the last thing Car said to me? He told me to go find my brothers,” you said, taking his hand. “Carter never thought for a moment that you two jackasses died and that is what kept me goin’. That is what is keepin’ me calm.”

“I couldn’t do that,” Daryl admitted, squeezing your hand tighter. 

“But ya have,” you reminded him. “Carl told me about the people you’ve lost. He told me about Sophia.” 

“She wasn’t mine,” Daryl told you. 

“But she was innocent and you cared enough to look for her all that time. She was just a child, too, Daryl.”

“Are ya gonna tell me it wasn’t my fault?” he asked. 

“Nah, you already know it’s not.” You leaned forward and kissed his forehead just as you used to when you were younger. “You reek,” you said, scrunching your nose. 

“Welcome to the end of the world, sweetheart.”

------

The two of you, after filling your bags, met up with Glenn and Rick. 

Glenn was on his back in the parking lot, pushing a Walker off of him as Rick stabbed it through the head. He grimaced as Rick helped him up. “Why am I always the one to get tackled?” Glenn asked, picking off pieces of Walker from his shirt. 

“Cause ya never shut up,” Daryl said as you two approached. 

“Hilarious,” Glenn shot back. “How’d you do?” Glenn asked you. 

“Got what we needed,” you confirmed. “You?’ 

“We got enough for now,” Rick said, raising the bag he had with him. “Gonna need to get some fresh meat soon, though,” he said looking at Daryl. You turned to your brother, surprised. 

“You hunt for them?” you asked. Daryl shrugged. 

“Someone has to,” he muttered. You rolled your eyes at his modesty. 

“Well don’t expect me to do any huntin’,” you said starting to load up the duffel bags. “I didn’t get the mountain man gene.”

“I don’t remember ya being this annoyin’,” Daryl said with a small smile. You shoved him lightly. You turned to look at Rick and Glenn. 

“How have ya’ll put up with him for this long?” 

“He’s like a stray dog,” Glenn joked, “Just kind of kept following us until we decided to keep him.”

“Keep laughin’, Rhee,” Daryl said. Glenn grinned at him and Daryl rolled his eyes, climbing onto his bike. Glenn went to get in the car and Rick grabbed the other bag from you. 

“Thank you,” you said quietly to Rick. He looked at you in confusion. 

“For what?” 

“For keepin’ an eye on him. Looks like you’ve gotten pretty close,” You said, looking at Daryl as he checked his bike. Rick placed his hand on your shoulder. 

“He’s saved my ass a few times too. We’re alive because of him,” Rick admitted. You looked up at him and into those blue eyes that had seen some brutal thing and saw the truth. Rick and Daryl had become brothers and it made your heart swell. 

“Thanks,” you whispered and patted his hand before joining Daryl on the back of the bike. “Any chance I can convince you to let me drive?” you asked, peering over his shoulder. Daryl snorted. 

“Sorry, only mountain men get to drive,” he said and you rolled your eyes. 

“Very funny.” 

#the walking dead #the walking dead imagine #the walking dead imagines #daryl dixon imagine #dixon!reader #daryl and sister!reader #twd imagine #twd season 7 #walkerwords #twd imagines #walking dead prison #prison era #reader insert

[deanstop13billyjoeltraxx]

Superposition

a deancas college roommates AU

Dean Winchester had it all at Wichita State University — a second chance, a future devoid of his father, and a roommate-turned-best friend who understands him inside and out.

But his father dies, he fails out in his second semester, and Castiel Novak leaves without so much as a goodbye.

Three years later, Dean has picked up the pieces. He works at the most trusted auto-shop in Lawrence, he’s putting Sam through college. Dean thinks it can’t get much better than that.

Then Castiel Novak gives him a concussion, and everything falls apart. Again.

Chapter 2 is up on AO3 (and below the cut)! Tumblr chapter masterlist here.

Classic Rock and Other Foreign Concepts

Three Years Earlier

Castiel Novak was ready for his second chance. 

Sure, the name “Wichita State University” held no cache, and sure, it was only two hours away from home. But it was a full ride, it was free of old high school acquaintances. It was enough. 

Castiel stood at the door of his empty dorm room, hope blooming in his chest as he regarded the dingy bunks and linoleum floors. 

He didn’t have much in the way of belongings, so moving in was quick and easy, even by himself. Castiel made his bed, hung up his limited outfits in the dresser, and filled his desk with his books and paper. Only one thing remained in his suitcase — a picture of his family, two Christmases ago. Castiel took it out and looked at it for a moment, before deciding to place it on his desk. 

He decided it might be a good idea to familiarize himself with his new surroundings. That was sure to calm down the inevitable anxiety that his first trip to the showers would bring. Castiel strolled down the hallway, doing his best to stay out of the way of all of the other freshmen moving in on his floor. 

After successfully discovering the bathroom and the water fountain, as well as narrowly avoiding an awkward encounter with two giggling girls who were apparently intent upon introducing themselves to him, he returned to his room with a sigh.

Castiel moved to his desk and opened his computer. He pulled up his course schedule, reviewing it again, despite having already committed it to memory. Tuesdays and Thursdays would be difficult, he thought, with financial accounting, economics, and an intro to business. The other days were more interesting, holding philosophy, creative writing, and nineteenth century British literature. 

Castiel was about to read the class descriptions for the millionth time when a loud thud and a grunt interrupted his thoughts. He stood up, fast, almost knocking his head on the bottom of his bed. Castiel got to his open door just in time to almost run into someone. 

“Shit! Watch it, man!”

Castiel found himself face to face with… Plastic storage bins. The man holding them shifted to reveal a mild scowl. Castiel cleared out of his way, and the man set the three boxes down. 

“Sorry,” Castiel muttered. 

“You’re fine,” the man grumbled. “Sorry, long drive.”

“Dean Winchester, I presume?” Castiel said, cautiously. He had seen his roommate assignment online weeks earlier.

“Damn straight,” Dean said, and he offered a hand out to Castiel, who accepted it graciously. “Sorry, man, I’m terrible with names. Have we met?” 

“I’m Castiel Novak,” Castiel replied, then added, “We haven’t met, but the website informed me of your name and email address. I emailed you a few weeks back.” 

Dean nodded. “I definitely didn’t respond. Sorry ‘bout that, I kind of haven’t had access to the internet in… Well, it’s a long story. Anyway, good to meet you.” 

“You as well. Do you need any help unpacking?” 

“Least you can do after nearly killing me.” Castiel tensed, but then Dean clapped him on the back. “Kidding. Help would be great.”

Castiel moved to unpack the box nearest him, but Dean stopped him with a hand on his arm.

“No! Uh, not that one. No offense, but that’s the most important thing I own. Give me a second, you can start on this one.” 

Castiel tilted his head in inquisition, but Dean said nothing more, just got to unpacking the bin. Castiel set to work on the second of the three, first grabbing the sheets to make the bed. 

When Castiel had finished with Dean’s bed, he turned to see Dean had set up a record player and a pair of bookshelf speakers on the floor. 

“Behold,” Dean announced. “My prized possession.” 

“A record player?” Castiel asked. 

“Not just the record player,” Dean said. He went back to the box, which Castiel could now see was filled with vinyl LPs. “The whole collection.”

“It’s quite impressive.”

“Fuckin’ A-right,” Dean said. “Here, you like Zeppelin?” 

“Embarrassingly, I have no idea who that is,” Castiel said, blushing.

Dean’s eyes widened. “Dude! No way! Oh man, it’s time to educate you. How have you survived this long Zeppelin-less?” 

“My father was strict about music.” Castiel felt suddenly very nervous that this, combined with his near-toppling of Dean moments earlier, would have him solidly fixed on Dean’s bad side. But Dean was flipping through his records with animation, as if Castiel’s ignorance was a game to be won. 

“That’s utter bullshit,” Dean declared. “Here, listen to this.”

Dean put on Led Zeppelin IV. Castiel turned back to the plastic bins, intent upon doing something while the record played. He was quiet as he worked, setting up first an ancient-looking coffee maker, then a small, LCD monitor. Dean unpacked his clothes, quietly singing along to the music.

“Do you need help with the rest?” Castiel asked when they had finished, assuming there had to be more than just those three boxes. Dean chuckled quietly. 

“Nah, this is it. Thanks for the help, Castiel.” 

Castiel raised an eyebrow, but only said, “You’re welcome.” Dean had brought even less than he had. 

“That’s a weird name, by the way,” Dean said, turning the volume down on the speakers. “Castiel. It sounds kind of --” 

“Ancient?” Castiel supplied, and Dean nodded. “That’s because it is. It’s adapted from the name of an angel in the third book of Enoch.” At Dean’s blank look, Castiel added, “Christian apocryphal lore. My parents are very religious.” 

“Ah,” Dean said. “And you…?”

“Haven’t been to church since I was fourteen,” Castiel finished. “We are very different, my family and I.” 

Dean nodded. “That them?” He asked, pointing at the picture on Castiel’s desk. 

“Yes,” Castiel said. 

“That’s a lot of kids.” 

“Yes, there’s five of us.” 

“Road trips must have been fun,” Dean said.

This actually got a laugh out of Castiel. 

“I’ve only got one. My kid brother, Sam,” Dean said.

“How old is Sam?”

“God.” Dean rubbed his face, considering. “I guess he’s fourteen now. It’s weird — I feel like I can never see him as any older than, like, eight.”

“I can’t say I understand,” Castiel replied. “I’m the youngest.” 

“Damn, that must suck, four older siblings. What’re their names?”

Castiel picked up the picture. “The boy on the left — he’s the oldest — that’s Gabriel. The other is Bartholomew. The redhead is Anna. And then there’s Hannah, she’s just a couple years older than me.” 

Dean nodded, moving to his record player. He pulled a small, worn piece of paper from the inside. 

“This is old as hell,” he said, showing Castiel the picture, “but that’s my dad, and that’s Sam when he was… ten, maybe?” 

“It’s just the three of you?”

“Yeah, my mom died when I was, like, four.”

“I apologize, I didn’t mean to --” 

“No worries, man,” Dean said. “Long time ago.”

There was an awkward pause that made Castiel want to open his computer just to look preoccupied, but Dean spoke. 

“I’m sorry, I can’t get over this name stuff. I can’t be roommates with a dude named after an angel.” 

Castiel felt his entire body deflate. Day one, and just his name was already making things difficult. “I’m… Sure there’s a way to switch roommates. But, what’s wrong with being named after an angel?”

“Dude, I was totally joking,” Dean said, putting his hands up defensively. “I’m not switching roommates — unless you’re secretly a vampire or something.” Castiel smiled at that. “And there’s nothing wrong with it, I’m just not into the whole religion thing. Makes me feel weird. Nah, I’ll just have to call you something else. Any suggestions?” 

“I’ve always just been ‘Castiel.’” 

“Man, haven’t had many creative friends,” Dean said. “Cas it is, then.” 

“Cas?” Castiel replied. He considered the new nickname. Castiel actually found it strange that no one had ever thought of it before, now that he had heard it. “I suppose it is a great deal shorter.”

“Easier to say, too,” Dean said. “It fits.”

Castiel smiled tentatively. “Sure.” 

The music faded, and Dean flipped the record to the B-side. 

“What do you think so far?” He asked. 

“It’s certainly different than what I’m used to. In a good way,” Castiel added. 

Dean beamed at him. “Awesome. I have more in here, too, and it’s not just Zep. Mostly the classics — the Stones, Rush, AC/DC… And a shit load of grunge, too. Man, wait til you hear Alice in Chains…” 

Castiel smiled at his animation. “Music is important to you?” 

“Dude, I couldn’t function without music. I feel like every time I listen to a song I like, I find something new that makes it even better.” Dean chuckled to himself. “Sorry, I’m geeking out about classic rock.”

“I don’t mind,” Castiel said, and he found that it was true. “I feel similarly about books.” 

“You like to read?”

“Immensely.” 

“You’ll have to give me some recommendations. I read Vonnegut in high school, and that was cool, but other than that and Harry Potter I think I’m pretty hopeless.”

“I will,” Castiel said, even though he knew he wouldn’t, even though he knew Dean was simply saying the polite thing. He had learned by now that when people asked about him to talk about the things he liked, they were just being nice. 

Dean asked Castiel which end of the hall the bathrooms were on, and excused himself.

When he returned, Dean clapped his hands together. “So,” he said. “I gotta ask you the Freshman Questions.” At Castiel’s confused look, he elaborated: “You know, the two things you ask everyone for your whole freshman year. Where are you from, what are you majoring in?” 

Castiel nodded. “I see. I didn’t know there was a procedure.” 

Dean looked at him for a moment. “It’s not — I was kinda joking.” 

“Oh. Right,” Castiel said, rubbing his neck. “Well, I’m from Guthrie — it’s a small town in Oklahoma, just a few hours south of here. And I’m studying accounting and creative writing.” 

“Guthrie… I’ve driven through there, on our way to Oklahoma City for a job my dad worked once,” Dean said. 

“It’s not very impressive.” 

Dean laughed. “Nah, not really.” 

“What about you, Dean?”

“I’m from Lawrence — it’s northeast of here. And I have no fucking idea what I’m gonna major in,” he said. “I’m not really… Well, Sam is the smart one. That kid is gonna kick ass when he goes to school. I’m kinda just here to…” Dean trailed off. 

“Experience it?” Castiel suggested. Dean shrugged. 

“Yeah, I guess.” He cleared his throat. “Why accounting? I get the writing thing, you said you like books — but accounting? I feel like those two don’t mix.”

“They don’t,” Castiel agreed. “But I don’t want to be a starving author. I do want to be able to take care of myself.” I want to be far, far away from everything I’ve ever known. I want to leave and never look back.

“Fair,” Dean said. “I don’t know about you, Cas, but I’m starving. Wanna grab some dinner?” 

“Sure,” Castiel said with a smile.

 The next day, in his first creative writing class, the professor asked each of them to share their major, their hometown, and a fun fact. He called, “Novak, Castiel?” 

“Double major in accounting and writing. I’m from Guthrie, Oklahoma. I suppose a fun fact is that I’m named after an angel, but you can just call me Cas.” 

#superposition #destiel #supernatural #fanfic #deancas #castiel #dean winchester

[neighbours-kid]

Oh, 2019, What A Year You Were.

It is now a bit before 6pm on January 01, 2020. I just finished unpacking after coming home from my short holiday escape to Berlin for New Year’s with my best friend and frequent travel buddy. My feet are tired, my back hurts, and I’m sitting in bed now, thinking back on this last year and, it’s kind of hard for me to decide if it was a good year or less so.

My 2019 was not as eventful as my 2018. There was no large adventure to speak of like going to New York City for six months, or having to adjust back to life in Switzerland after that. 2019 was just…..uni. The same old trudge of going to class and thinking about texts that should be read (but wouldn’t be), the same old treading water without direction, stuck in one place, unsure what comes next. Or, at least, that’s what it feels like looking back on it.

When I did this looking back the last time, 2018 was not quite over yet. It was still December, I had a few more days of uni to go, all the Christmases and other celebrations still before me. At that point, I had no idea that I would meet a couple of people at the Christmas Party of our English Department and that these people would be largely responsible for tipping the scale of 2019 into ‘good’.

But I did. I did meet these lovely people I get to call something akin to family today. It’s only been a year, and I can’t quite believe it. Found family has always been my favourite trope in storytelling, and this little group of weirdos is exactly that. And to quote my favourite little alien creature, this is my family. I found it, all on my own. It’s little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good.

These people are not perfect, they’re not flawless, they’re not angels. But they have more humanity between them than I’ve seen in a long fucking while. We’re all broken people, none of us is any better than the next, but we have heart. And I love them all so fucking much. They have all coloured in parts of my year in their own colours and I could not be happier about it. They’re a bunch of fucking weirdo nerds, but they’re my bunch of fucking weirdo nerds.

* * *

This year was, while largely uneventful, also very special in its own way. You know, after talking to my doc to get a date for a transgender consultation, my plan was basically to wait until I got it all lined up nicely, got my first shot of testosterone and then be like "hello world, this is happening, and if you have anything against it, whoops, too late.” Well, it didn’t quite work out like that. If you’ve been keeping up with this blog or my life in general, you know that my anxious ass decided to have a nervous break in the middle of January and come out to literally everyone then and there. And you know what? It’s good.

I’m not where I want to be, not at all. After January, I had expectations for 2019, I had hopes and dreams, wishes and plans. Unfortunately, that lead to a series of events that is tipping the scale of this year into ‘bad’. I wrote about this extensively before, but the process of starting testosterone is a long and tedious one and I am still not where I want to be, even after this entire year, but I currently see a shiny dot on the horizon that looks very promising in that department, and if everything goes as it should, it won’t be long now until I can start with the hormone treatment.

2019 started me down a road of self-discovery that is more open and public than it was before, and I am glad for it. But I don’t want to linger on that part of my year for too long. Let us look back for a while, relive some moments here and there.

On the train home from the airport today, I thought about what I did exactly one year ago. After everyone who had been at my place for New Year’s had left around lunch time on January 01, 2019, I had sat down in front of my TV and started a very movie and tv show heavy year. Over the course of this entire year, I noted down every movie and tv show episode, every short film and comedy special, everything that I watched. It…..added up quite a bit, to be completely honest. Let’s see….

For reference, I had holidays during January and half of February, as well as June all through August and half of September, and then again from the 21st of December onward. My marathon didn’t quite subside during university, but at least I didn’t binge quite so much.

In total, I watched 178 movies, 10 short films, and 685 episodes of 34 tv shows. That is 300h12 in movies, 1h38 in short films, and roughly 519h47 in tv show episodes. (Yes, I did just spend way too much time looking up all the run times…) That is a rough total of 821h37 for this year. That’s like….a bit over a month of time spent watching stuff. 1/12 of my year spent in front of a screen. Not entirely sure how I feel about this number.

I know that for some this might sound a bit excessive, but to be honest? There is so much more I want to watch and if I could do completely as I please, these numbers would look a lot different.

Here is, with the exact intention of being a big mess of a block, all the movies I watched in 2019. I highlighted a few that stood out to me especially. Not just because I liked them very much, or because they were particularly excellent, just because….they made me feel something different, I guess. The oldest movie I watched was Grease (1978) and the newest would be the comedy special John Mulaney and the Sack Lunch Bunch from this year. I started my year with Night at the Museum (2006) and ended it with season five of Leverage.

Grease (1978), My Neighbour Totoro (1988), Die Hard (1988), Batman (1989), Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990), Die Hard with a Vengeance (1995), Othello (1995), Mission Impossible (1996), Mary Reilly (1996), Wilde (1997), Animated Epics: Beowulf (1998), Mission Impossible II (2000), Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Fast and the Furious (2001), Ocean’s Eleven (2001), Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (2001), Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002), Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), Heartlands (2002), xXx (2002), 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003), Underworld (2003), Bright Young Things (2003), Timeline (2003), The Deal (2003), Ocean’s Twelve (2004), Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004), Laws of Attraction (2004), Dirty Filthy Love (2004), Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005), Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005), Kingdom of Heaven (2005), The League of Gentlemen’s Apocalypse (2005), The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006), Underworld: Evolution (2006), Mission Impossible III (2006), Inside Man (2006), Night at the Museum (2006), The Da Vinci Code (2006), The Queen (2006), Die Hard 4.0: Live Free or Die Hard (2007), Music Within (2007), Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007), Ocean’s Thirteen (2007), Zodiac (2007), Iron Man (2008), Twilight (2008), Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (2009), Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009), Twilight: New Moon (2009), The Damned United (2009), Fast & Furious (2009), Sherlock Holmes (2009), The Holiday (2009), Angels & Demons (2009), Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009), Inception (2010), The Bounty Hunter (2010), Twilight: Eclipse (2010), Alice in Wonderland (2010), Tron: Legacy (2010), Megamind (2010), Valentine’s Day (2010), The Expendables (2010), Red (2010), Eat Pray Love (2010), Iron Man 2 (2010), Beautiful Boy (2010), Fast Five (2011), Fright Night (2011, twice), Resistance (2011), Few Options, All Bad (2011), Jesus Henry Christ (2011), Twilight: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011), Mission Impossible IV: Ghost Protocol (2011), Pitch Perfect (2012), Twilight: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012), White House Down (2013), Admission (2013), I Give It A Year (2013), Escape Plan (2013), The Adventurer: Curse of the Midas Box (2013), Furious 6 (2013), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), Red 2 (2013), Begin Again (2013), Saving Mr. Banks (2013), Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb (2014), Kill the Messenger (2014), The Monuments Men (2014), Midnight in Paris (2014), Paddington (2014), The Imitation Game (2014), Maleficent (2014), Chelsea Peretti: One Of The Greats (2014), John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid (2015, twice), Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation (2015), Far From the Madding Crowd (2015), 7 Days in Hell (2015), Furious Seven (2015), Assassin’s Creed (2016), Alice Through the Looking Glass (2016), Patton Oswalt: Talking for Clapping (2016), Ali Wong: Baby Cobra (2016), Nocturnal Animals (2016), She Loves Me (2016), Passengers (2016), Norman: The Moderate Rise and Tragic Fall of a New York Fixer (2016), xXx: The Return of Xander Cage (2017), Michael Bolton’s Big, Sexy Valentine’s Day Special (2017), Brad’s Status (2017), Home Again (2017), Murder On The Orient Express (2017), Christmas Inheritance (2017), Paddington 2 (2017), You, Me & Him (2017), Beauty and the Beast (2017), Trevor Noah: Afraid of the Dark (2017), Dave Chappelle: The Age of Spin (2017), Dave Chappelle: Deep in the Heart of Texas (2017), Patton Oswalt: Annihilation (2017), Jack Whitehall: At Large (2017), Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King (2017), Katherine Ryan: In Trouble (2017), Mission Impossible: Fallout (2018), Slaughterhouse Rulez (2018), The Fate of the Furious (2018), Love, Simon (2018), Ocean’s 8 (2018, twice), Bad Samaritan (2018), John Mulaney: Kid Gorgeous (2018, twice), Hannah Gadsby: Nanette (2018), Daniel Sloss: Dark (2018), Daniel Sloss: Jigsaw (2018), Trevor Noah: Son of Patricia (2018), Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife (2018), James Acaster: Recognise (2018), James Acaster: Represent (2018), James Acaster: Reset (2018), James Acaster: Recap (2018), Apostle (2018), The Holiday Calendar (2018), The Princess Switch (2018), The Christmas Chronicles (2018), Captain Marvel (2019, twice), Shazam! (2019, twice), Avengers: Endgame (2019, twice), Pokémon: Detective Pikachu (2019), The Hustle (2019), Rocketman (2019), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Men in Black: International (2019), Tolkien (2019), Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019), Isn’t It Romantic (2019), Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (2019), Jenny Slate: Stage Fright (2019), Wanda Sykes: Not Normal (2019), Katherine Ryan: Glitter Room (2019), Simon Amstell: Set Free (2019), Adam Devine: Best Time of Our Lives (2019), Let It Snow (2019), Last Christmas (2019), Klaus (2019), Always Be My Maybe (2019), The Knight Before Christmas (2019), The Good Liar (2019), Hustlers (2019), Star Wars: Rise of the Skywalker (2019), Murder Mystery (2019), John Mulaney and the Sack Lunch Bunch (2019)

TV shows are going to make up a block a bit less intimidating, but here goes. Again, highlighted what stood out to me especially.

The Gifted, Friends, NCIS, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Money Heist, Riverdale, The Punisher, Broadchurch, Elite, Doctor Who, Dramarama, Agents of SHIELD, Pokémon Indio League, Good Omens, The Chef Show, Jessica Jones, Halt and Catch Fire, The Marvelous Mrs Maisel, The Simpsons, 30 Rock, The Good Fight, Sean’s Show, Gallowglass, Animals., The Spoils of Babylon, Pobol Y Cwm, Masters of Sex, Prodigal Son, Criminal UK, The Politician, Leverage, His Dark Materials, Zona Rosa, Derry Girls

Some old favourites in there. Some new ones too. I won’t list the shorts because I don’t particularly care for them. I watched them solely for binging-through-someone’s-filmography reasons.

So yeah, as you can see, a very strong year when it comes to the visual medium. I just really love movies and tv shows so much. I love this kind of storytelling, this particular form of it. There’s so much artistry there, so many talented people. I still very much would love to work in the movie world at some point. Inspires me greatly. Always has.

* * *

2019 was not just a year of sitting glued to a TV screen, not at all. I’ve been some places too, got to do and experience some cool stuff.

In April I was able to take a few days off and go to Lugano with my dear friend and relax for a little while. We also met up with one of the lovely people I’ve met through twitter, which was great fun and we’ve spent a fantastic day together (eating food I still catch myself thinking about at least twice a week).

In June I went to Pride in Zurich with my friends, which was also a wonderful experience all together.

In July I was able to go to Cologne for half a week for CCXP, where I got to see some great panels and meet some great people. And, most importantly and also the reason why I went, I got to meet Zachary Levi again, take a picture together, have a wonderful conversation while he signed something for me, and experience an incredibly inspiring panel where I got to ask him a question that he took the time and patience to extensively answer. I treasure these moments, just as I treasure all our previous meetings and the friends and experiences that have come with it. Seeing him again after two years was definitely the highlight of the year, and it’s a strong weight of the good part in the scale that is 2019. He’s always a highlight, the dude. I can’t wait until I get to see that face again.

Also in July, I joined a few friends for a weekend at a medieval festival in Germany, which was also a very interesting and good experience.

And now at the end of the year, I spent a few days in Berlin, visiting museums and bookshops and generally touristing about with my dearest friend, celebrated New Year’s with her in the only way we know how: with good wine, food, warmth, and a tv show we both love and hold dear.

I also shouldn’t forget the two parties I attended of our university’s English Department, and the Halloween party a friend organised, and the birthdays I attended over the year, as well as the Christmas I spent with my friends at my place.

All these things, all these little bits add up and add up and ultimately I want to think that 2019 was a good year. I am so glad this year is over, but looking back I find so many good things that have happened, so many wonderful experiences, and I wonder, why? Why am I so happy it is over? Why am I so desperate to move forward, to turn the page, to start a new chapter, a new book?

I don’t know. I really don’t know.

* * *

For this new year, for 2020, I have a few wishes. I’m not really one to make resolutions, because I know exactly I won’t hold myself to it, but I have some things I’d like to do, like to try.

2019 was my year of movies and shows. I won’t stop watching things, I’ll never stop watching things. But for this year, I want to put my focus elsewhere. This year, I’d like to try and read all the books that have amassed themselves in my possession, that I haven’t actually read yet. It’s doable, I don’t own enormous amounts of books yet. I want to try that. I want to try to read more, to find that passion and attention span again that I had as a kid. I might try to blog a bit about it, just so I have something to hold me accountable. We’ll see. But I just really want to read more. Carry a book everywhere I go.

I know that 2020 is bringing me another step closer to becoming my truest self. I have my next appointment with the hormone specialist early in February, and if I am not entirely mistaken (or something is drastically changed) I will be able to start taking hormones then and there. Starting testosterone is going to be exciting and interesting, and I am very much looking forward to it. What I want for myself this year, is to take it easy. Be kind to myself in this journey. Let myself be gentle. I always have so many expectations for myself, and I really just want to try and…let myself be, let myself just live and experience things as they come. No expectations.

This first half year of 2020 is also the time I will be writing my Bachelor thesis and, hopefully, by summer I’ll have my degree. It’ll be a tough but I hope also rewarding time for me. Having to shift the way I write papers (quick, barely researched and sourced, not even remotely re-read, always started mere hours before the deadline) to something more useful for a thesis, something fitting for a thesis, is going to be challenging. Keeping my head in the right space, keeping the focus and doing the work, it’s all going to be hard for me. But I have faith that I will find a way to reign in my scatterbrain and flick the hyper-focus switch into something that will be sustainable for the time I have to write my thesis in.

Speaking of my thesis, there is something I have not mentioned yet, that strongly informed my experience of 2019. Good Omens is the book I’ll be writing my thesis about (specifically a queer theological reading of it) and Good Omens was the story that has shaped my year. I re-read the book at the beginning of term and once the mini-series came out at the end of May, I did not really think about anything else since. This book and this show are so incredibly important to me, and it is, after a long while of nothing even remotely getting there, the first thing that has captured my attention so strongly, that it has outlasted my one-month hyper-focus ability and shows no signs of stopping any time soon. And that I am so incredibly grateful for. I wasn’t sure if I could still do it. Have an interest, have passion for something, for longer than a month. So many things I tried and loved and done, and after a single month, I dropped them like a hot potato and never touched them again. But Good Omens came and took me by my hand and lead me into the promised land. Especially since the show came out, I feel like a changed person. I have talked about it to no end, and I could go on forever now too, but I’ll just say this for now: This story of an angel and a demon crossing the divide that is their differences, coming together in love for the world, for humanity, and each other, this story means everything to me, and it has given me so much. Nothing is ever going to change that. That is irrevocable. And I know that 2020 won’t change that fact. I have faith that this passion will continue on and will inspire more positive change in me. It’s already started bringing me back to writing and drawing, so I know that it will lead me somewhere.

There is so much more I could say here, now, about 2019, about 2020. About my plans and my wishes, my dreams and the things I ought to do. But I think, I’ll leave it at that, for now. I tried this monthly blogging last year for the first time, and I think I’ll try to continue doing it. So, you can expect to read more of my thoughts on all kinds of things.

For now, however, let me say this: 2020 can be anything you want it to be. 2020 is yours to shape, yours to create in, yours to manage, yours to use. I want my 2020 to be gentle, to be taken one step at a time, to be experienced to the fullest, to be lived and felt and actively experienced. Sure, bad things can happen, bad things can always happen. But it’s your decision what happens next.

In 2020, I want to start loving more unapologetically. Do good, recklessly. Be kind, always. Not just to others, but to myself.

…

I have faith in us, you know? Humans. There’s so much hope there, still. 2020 might just as well show it.

…

Happy New Year, everyone. I hope it’ll be a good one for you.

#2019 #2020 #new year #new year's eve #looking back #round up #what a year it has been #movies #tv shows #comedy specials #so many fucking movies holy shit #positive #survival #trans things #personal #textpost #review #berlin #ccxp #zachary levi #ticino #tv show

[marsixm]

edit sorry this post is both long (if the readmore fails i am truly truly sorry) & longwinded im just reflecting and thinking; (another edit: u can probably just read the tl dr and get it)

anyway allow me to spin some very personally based theory here for a mo while i put off/warm my fingers up from the cold in preparation to email my therapist

so growing up i had, i think only, het ships, but i never quite had the ones you were (narratively speaking) “supposed to” have

in most media i recall when i was a kid, there were like, 2 diff structures of character romance plot arcs in media i consumed, there was the main lead and 2 best friends model, where thered be the star of the show who had outside romantic leads and the 2 best friends (who were always a boy and a girl) would have their secondary romance, OR there were ensemble shows where there was a more clear romance set up between the main boy and main girl, then side characters whod pair off in whatever ways ended up happening. in the first, see: hannah montana, the second, see: zoey 101. obv this isnt a hard rule and there were loads of exceptions but like, lets just say i tended not to care for the romances set up for the main girls in the trio models, or quite as hard for the main boy and girl in the ensembles, and in general if there was an obvious romance between two leads i either didnt care or outright hated it

basically i never liked the ships they set up for us in straight media, as a kid (namely, a girl) i liked being that “ew pink!” “i hate valentines day” sort of contrarian, but what i remember actually disliking was the predictability of it, because i clearly still shipped characters, so it wasnt /really/ that i hated romance, per se

looking back on it i think it was probably or at least to a degree more like that i hated the hetero expectation of it- i can nit pick down to more specific examples of why i disliked the main pairings (kataang, for example, i thought was weird bc katara acted like a mother/older sister figure to aang, and i didnt feel like there was romance between them at all except where it felt shoehorned in) - maybe it was also that i thought it made more sense for a main character to be with someone they clearly already spent a lot of time with and not some random new hot boy in town (i very distinctly remember shipping miley and oliver on hannah montana, and i believe that was the first time i ever read fanfiction @ age like... 11 lol) as is often the case w like these things.

theres another level to this though, which is that i notice i tended to ship characters who were more vaguely similar to each other, like, physically (ie, similar heights, or hair colors mainly) obviously this is funny now since my main pairing is johnlock which is such a physically different ship we can construct them from basic shapes and colors and theyre still recognizable as who they are, but i have some thoughts about this- but i think there might be two interesting things about this again in retrospect

first of all, this sounds silly ik, but shipping the vaguely similar ones as a child’s way of queering heterosexuality is an interesting concept and not that difficult, like, two boys are also vaguely similar to each other in a similar way a boy and a girl with the same hair color and height might be, which is something i thought of a while ago

the other way in which this is really interesting to me now, that i think might have been more actually pertinent to myself as a trans child, is that i think i shipped the characters i did in an attempt to morph the concept of boy and girl? to find the boy counterpart to every girl??? that second one makes more sense actually. anyway, i digress

2 start off i definitely had gender feelings starting from a very young age so i think these observations ring more true than just reflections, PERHAPS

so the first thing i remember shipping, ie wanting them to be together, thinking about it an inordinate amount of time outside watching the films, even imagining them eating ice cream together in their pjs (i was NINE DHFJGghfkg) was jack sparrow & elizabeth swan from potc (basically my franchise of choice as a kid bc i never read harry potter) now this doesnt quite fit the “visually similar” thing bc actually orlando bloom looks more like kiera knightly and is prob due to them like making out in one movie, but i think this works for the “shipping as gender expression” theory, because elizabeth swan dressed up as a boy, spent most of that movie wearing boy’s clothes, etc- meanwhile jack was a wacky pirate which like hello duh i’d want to be. so i wonder if beyond the fact that they kissed and flirted, there was something to this concept of me wanting two characters to be together, meant i wanted to marry together two conceptual things happening with two characters, or absorb the cool dude and the boyish girl characters into each other to make one whole archetype for myself? i likewise shipped aang and toph (toph who, normally doesnt really have anyone to be shipped with, since she likes sokka but he has a gf) who we all know is the VERY boyish girl character, so boyish im p sure her actually being a trans dude later in life is a p decently accepted headcanon (i dont actually delve into aatla fandom though so i can only hope) 

another thing about this ship thing, is most of my ships had brown hair (like miley and oliver), just like i always have, and in certain cases the girl character would look a LOT like me (i also shipped logan and quinn on zoey 101, which to my surprise n delight actually came true later (although looking back im like... 11 yr old me is glad they made out a lot but adult me is like uhhh why were the kids on this show making out a lot? anyway thats another issue) and i def was a weirdo girl with glasses and long brown wavy hair) which sort of further fuels my feeling that this was an attempt by my brain to do 1 of 2 things, if my own involvement really was a greater motivating factor in this thing, 1. ship MYSELF with a boy (which is like def possible for my gay kinnie ass, but not quite my thesis here) or 2. morph these boy and girl counterparts by imagining them together, seeing them together, etc

for example, i realize now, when i was a kid i drew an avatar sona for myself and said sona looked an awful lot like how id imagine a katara/zuko fusion would be, and the fact that i shipped zutara (very hard lol) was what lead me down this thought path rn

i feel like even to me this concept sounds weird and far fetched but like, gem fusion made enough sense for someone to write with its clearly, usually, romantic implications and we all “get” that, so whom knows???

another thing ive noticed while writing this is for a good few of these ships you can argue the boys in them can be read gay, like jack sparrow and zuko and aang, which feels even more strongly like me trying to marry my gay boy feelings to my tomboy realities [thinking emoji]

the biggest reason i think this makes sense to me is because when i was 10 i became obsessed with the idea that this boy i was friends with and i were secretly twins separated at birth, like i was so into the concept that we looked alike, i like hoped and wished so hard for it to be true, i wished a christmas miracle would happen for fucking real and a magic door in my house would open and be his new room and itd all work out perfectly! and you might think this was a manifestation of my difficulties with my family and wishing to leave it, but in my dream world my parents were still my parents and he came to live with us- which makes me think the obsession of ME looking like this BOY was a manifestation of my gender feelings, which i think can maybe be traced to this concept of pairing a visually similar, possibly gay, brunette boy to every brunette and/or tomboyish girl

anyway. if you actually read all of this id love it if you lmk somehow (doesnt need to be a like) like this is clearly very long and strange but i hope it makes sense. i think i stop myself a lot from ever commenting on gender or theory or whatever but i am a living breathing trans person who has experienced things and i have opinions and i dont think im claiming anything destructive with this lol i think its not unusual to reflect on the way you interacted with the world as a gay/trans kid

also im obviously not saying that shipping straight things is somehow inherently queer, im not trying to retroactively claim something about straight ships, like, those two characters are still functionally straight, and i definitely also shipped probably all of them for normal shipping reasons (although, kid ones, so less “oh theres a lot of ACTUAL romantic subtext between these two” but rather “oh theyre friends and would be cute together!” (or like they kissed and i was like O: )) but im just trying to theorize about something its possible my tiny trans brain was trying to express- and who knows maybe im not the only one!

anyway i guess the TL;DR is: when i was a kid i had a lot of “unconventional” straight ships- i already observed that i eschewed the main canon pairings in kids media in what was probably my tiny baby brains rejection of hetero culture, but i also actively shipped side characters who looked like me, and also looked like each other (ie, both tall and brunette, a boy and girl counterpart of Each Other) OR characters who seemed to be a gayish boy and a tomboyish girl, and im theorizing that maybe the reason that was was my tiny trans brain wanting to gem fusion those two together because of my Gender Feelings and fuse the boy with the girl and this desire manifested in shipping therefore thinking about a lot these pairings of boy and girl counterparts

#please dont be weird about this post i hope its like understandable what im trying to think about here? #like i dont think its that weird to consider nor am i claiming anything bad or destructive about ppls lives n genders n whatever #purely an observation about myself and the way i consumed media ages like 8-12 #in reflection as a gay/trans adult and thinking about what those things might have potentially been expressing or something #i dont know any official queer theory stuff n i dont think that should stop me from thinking my own thoughts so here u go #also i am TRULY sorry if this readmore doesnt work

[chinxino5-blog]

yeet

tagged by @fayfictions​ thanks b

Rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people

Tagging: whoever wants it?? idk man im not good at taggin people, it makes me way nervous - also throwing this under the cut bc its long as FuCk

Last

1. drink - milo

2. phone call - my mum lmao letting her know i was going to my friends place

3. text message - best friend (hannah)

4. song you listened - i think it was TiO or Pony or something from my friend’s playlist [it’s called ‘slut it up’ i think that explains enough]

5. time you cried - ...er.... maybe a little over a week ago? i think? not sure

6. dated someone twice? - same person? nope

7. kissed someone and regretted it - lmao yeah

8. been cheated on - nope

9. lost someone special - no one i needed

10. been depressed - depressive episodes/moods

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - nope :p

fave colours

12. crimson/dark red

13. baby pink

14. burgandy/really really dark purple-y red

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends - yes! lots esp on tumblr ^^

16. fallen out of love - never been in love

17. laughed until you cried - a lot :)

18. found out someone was talking about you - negatively and positively yes

19. met someone who changed you - hm... not by heaps... maybe a little?

20. found out who your friends are - yes, real friends

21. kissed someone on your Facebook friends list - i dont kiss people ;w;

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - dont use facebook

23. do you have any pets - a fish named physh!

24. do you want to change your name - i want to change my last name; wanna take my mums maiden name

25. what did you do for your last birthday - stereotype-themed party!

26. what time did you wake up today - 6:15

27. what were you doing at midnight last night - sleeping, surprisingly

28. what is something you cant wait for - get more piercings, dye my hair, start nursing, finish my fic, start a new fic; theres a lot i want to do in the future

30. what are you listening to right now - the sound of my laptop whirring

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - err over a discord? no one i know well

32. something that’s getting on your nerves - people at school (its been literally 4 days)

33. most visited website - you’re on it right now

34. hair color - blonde~

35. long or short hair - pixie-cute short!

36. do you have a crush on someone - nope, this bish dont get feelings

37. what do you like about yourself - my writing and my hair tbh?

38. want any piercings? - i want two more on my right ear, one more on my left, a septum, maybe a lip (maybe two lip) and possibly a tongue piercings but idk

39. blood type - no clue

40. nicknames - on here? chinx, chinxy/chinxi. irl? gracie, graciegrapes, G, lesbian, gayce

41. relationship status - single

42. zodiac - gemini~

43. pronouns - she/her

44. fave tv shows - teenwolf, end of the fucking world

45. tattoos - i want them 

46. right or left handed - right

47. ever had surgery -  broke my hand

48. piercings -  ive got my firsts, seconds and a helix on my right

49. sport - right now, only horse riding lessons and gym/running. i quit netball and soccer last year

50. vacation - err ive been to bali and new zealand

51. trainers - i dont know what this one means

more general

52. eating - nothing

53. drinking - nothing

54. i’m about to watch - probs nothing

55. waiting for - a cute girl to be gay and to like me and to be likeable 

56. want - ^^^ + just generally to be happy

57. get married - when im old enough

58. career - nurse

59. hugs or kisses - kisses 

60. lips or eyes - eyes

61. shorter or taller - shorter

62. older or younger - younger

63. nice arms or stomach - stomach

64. hookup or relationship - dream? relationship. most likely? hookup

65. troublemaker or hesitant -  hesitant

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger - no

67. drank hard liquor - nope

68. lost glasses - sunglasses, but not prescripted ones

69. turned someone down - uhhh inadvertently by being gay lmao 

70. sex on first date - im a chILD

71. broken someone’s heart - if we’re gonna be dramatic, sure

72. had your heart broken - nah

73. been arrested - noooo

74. cried when someone died - yes

75. fallen for a friend - what are FEELINGS

do you believe in

76. yourself - on good days?

77. miracles - yes 

78. love at first sight - no

79. santa claus - no

80. kiss on a first date - yeah if you’ve known them before been dating? if its first time properly meeting/hanging out probs not

81. angels - yes

82. best friend’s name - hannah <3

83. eye color - kinda change between blue and grey

84. fave movie - ooooo spirit: stallion of the cimmaron 

85. fave actor - who doesnt adore emma watson im SO GAY for her

#this was probs boring and a waste of your reading but #lmao #get to know me if ya want #ask me random questions if ya want #i'll answer anything except last name #or age #but lmao shoot and i'll take it

[valleyofthefae]

MAC MAC MAC ,,, answer all the number ask questions .... I dare ya 👀

i accept ur dare 👀👀😎

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?my little sister probs ? 
2. Are you outgoing or shy?Shy af !!!
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?my nana tomorrow !
4. Are you easy to get along with?ummm,,,, i feel like im not but idk how others feel about that
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?hmm,, idk ? 🤔
6. What kind of people are you attracted to?ppl who look like they dont sleep very often (dane dehaan for example), ppl w/ pretty eyes, or interesting personalities tbh (idk what i mean by that, im thinking about Grimes & Billie tbh) 
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?heck nah 
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?Dane since i mentioned him up there ^
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?yup
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?You probably !! 💕
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“haha, okayyy 💓💓!!!” to u 👀
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?Bellyache by Billie Eilish, Grrrls by AViVa, Pretty Head by Transviolet, The Gunner by MGK, & party favor by billie eilish :) 
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?mhmm!!
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?Eh, kinda??? I believe in miracles, luck not so much
15. What good thing happened this summer?idk,, that was 5ever ago 
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?hell no
17. Do you think there is life on other planets?yes !!!
18. Do you still talk to your first crush?nope :) i was too scared to talk to them in general tbh 
19. Do you like bubble baths?i used to !
20. Do you like your neighbors?yeah!! some of them, i live by a lotta old people & theyre really nice !!
21. What are you bad habits?ummm, biting my lips/insides of my cheeks && some other things 
22. Where would you like to travel?Canada, Europe, some places in Asia, & other states !!
23. Do you have trust issues?yeah :/
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?makin tea 
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?all of them
26. What do you do when you wake up?i look at what time it is 
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?im actually okay with my skin color now, i used to wish i had lighter skin though 
28. Who are you most comfortable around?you !!
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?nah
30. Do you ever want to get married?nah
31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?yup!! :)
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?🙅🏽‍♀️
33. Spell your name with your chin.um,, maheczwi tried :)

34. Do you play sports? What sports?no, i played softball like 6 years ago tho (i hated it)
35. Would you rather live without TV or music?tv !
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?yeah!
37. What do you say during awkward silences?i dont know if i say anything ? 
38. Describe your dream girl/guy?someone who isnt a terrible person
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?Claire’s, FYE, antique places, goodwill
40. What do you want to do after high school?i have no ideaaa
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?Depends on what they did
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?idk, it can mean a lotta thingsbut tbh, im always quiet so who knowsss 
43. Do you smile at strangers?if they smile at me i do :)
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?dang man, idk !!!! is both an option 👀👀
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?on school days, my alarm bc i have to climb down a ladderon weekends, having to go to the bathroom does
46. What are you paranoid about?my friends secretly hating me,, and probs other stuff 
47. Have you ever been high?nope :)
48. Have you ever been drunk?nope :)
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?no :) 
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?Black 
51. Ever wished you were someone else?25/9
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?The way my brain is wired
53. Favourite makeup brand?Hard candy probs 
54. Favourite store?claire’s
55. Favourite blog?hmmmm, idk i follow a lot !
56. Favourite colour?pastel pink, blue, purple, gray, & white
57. Favourite food? apples
58. Last thing you ate? some chicken marsala thing 
59. First thing you ate this morning?oatmeal
60. Ever won a competition? For what?I dont think so ? 🤔
61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?nope !
62. Been arrested? For what?nope !
63. Ever been in love? nah! 
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?it was w/ one of my childhood friends & tbh, that’s all i remember 
65. Are you hungry right now?,,
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?i dont have tumblr friends tbh
67. Facebook or Twitter?ummmm, i dont like either 
68. Twitter or Tumblr?tumblr
69. Are you watching tv right now?yup! im watching tom & jerry 😎
70. Names of your bestfriends? youuuu ! 
71. Craving something? What?strawberries tbh 
72. What colour are your towels?umm we got some gray ones & some purple ones !
72. How many pillows do you sleep with?one or none tbh 
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?mhmm!!! theyre at the end of my bed (they make there way up to where i am tho) 
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?👀👀👀👀👀 15-25 is a good guess,, for the ones on my bedi have a lotta stuffed animals 
75. Favourite animal?fox, bunny, soo many othersss !!!
76. What colour is your underwear?purple
77. Chocolate or Vanilla?vanilla, tbh
78. Favourite ice cream flavour?vanilla
79. What colour shirt are you wearing?a pink & black one :)
80. What colour pants?black 
81. Favourite tv show?Looney Tunes
82. Favourite movie?hmmmm,,,,, idk honestlymy fav recent movie is wonder woman 
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?ehh, not really a fan of either one !
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?ive never seen 21 jump street soo idk 
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?Karen (??? idk, the one played by Amanda Seyfried) 
86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?the octopus (idk her name), & Gil
87. First person you talked to today?my sister maybe ?? i honestly have no idea
88. Last person you talked to today?my sister 
89. Name a person you hate?😉 we all know who i hate w/ a passion (hint: the name starts with a “n”) 
90. Name a person you love?Alyssa, Billie Eilish (it only calls for one, but i love billie) 
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?myself 
92. In a fight with someone?nah
93. How many sweatpants do you have?likeeeee 2 pairs i think 
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?dang idk tbh,, i have a lotta hoodies && at least 5-7 sweaters 
95. Last movie you watched?Bolt 
96. Favourite actress?ahhhh !! i have too many, soooDove Cameron, Angelina Jolie, Elle Fanning, Emily Browning, Gal Gadot, Ástrid Bergés-Frisbey, Hannah Murray, Christina Ricci, Lily-Rose Depp, etc !! 
97. Favourite actor?Dane Dehaan, Cole Sprouse, J D*pp, Freddie Highmore, etc
98. Do you tan a lot?no ?
99. Have any pets?i have a dog named layla && some fish !
100. How are you feeling?not too swell :/
101. Do you type fast?heck yeah man !
102. Do you regret anything from your past?so many things 
103. Can you spell well?i’d like to think so, im not too bad at it :)
104. Do you miss anyone from your past?mhm 
105. Ever been to a bonfire party?nope !
106. Ever broken someone’s heart?idk, honestly
107. Have you ever been on a horse?ive been on a pony, does that count? 
108. What should you be doing?nothing atm !
109. Is something irritating you right now?yeah,, but it’s all good !
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?no
111. Do you have trust issues?aye (this is up there somewhere too) 
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?idk honestly
113. What was your childhood nickname?Kenz
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?mhm!!! ive been to texas, other states going to texas, Washington DC, Mexico (i was hella young), other places bc of my sisters meets, && yeah :) 
115. Do you play the Wii?not anymore 
116. Are you listening to music right now?no, i might tho 
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?yeah
118. Do you like Chinese food?yeh, some of it 
119. Favourite book?hmmmmmmmmmm, idk !! 
120. Are you afraid of the dark?yes 
121. Are you mean?i can be 
122. Is cheating ever okay?nope
123. Can you keep white shoes clean?ive never owned white shoes !
124. Do you believe in love at first sight?no
125. Do you believe in true love?no
126. Are you currently bored?kinda
127. What makes you happy?um,, seein my bestest buddy, talkin’ to my bestest buddy, seeing cute animals, and listening to music 
128. Would you change your name?yeah, tbh
129. What your zodiac sign?Aquarius :)
130. Do you like subway?no
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?Idk,, i wouldnt like em back tho
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?this ones up there too !
133. Favourite lyrics right now?“Call me calloused, call me coldYou’re italic, I’m in boldCall me cocky, watch your toneYou better love me, ‘cause you’re just a clone” - COPYCAT by billie 
134. Can you count to one million?gosh i hope so
135. Dumbest lie you ever told?hmm, idk ive told a lotta dumb lies 
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?closed !!!! always!! 
137. How tall are you?5’3”
138. Curly or Straight hair?curly/wavy
139. Brunette or Blonde?brunette 
140. Summer or Winter?winter (even tho i hate winter)
141. Night or Day?Night
142. Favourite month?october
143. Are you a vegetarian?i wish
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?none,, tbh 
145. Tea or Coffee?tea
146. Was today a good day?nah
147. Mars or Snickers?neither
148. What’s your favourite quote?hmm, idk atm
149. Do you believe in ghosts?yes
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “Selling their bog recipes and crone aphorisms and schoolboy spells! It makes me sick.”from the Wicked book

#tbh i had those all spaces out & tumblr screwed it up #i swear

[resilientreader]

1-98 for asks like we did a million years ago, I dare you

i knew the MOMENT i saw the notif in my inbox that it was gonna be YOU pulling this shit and i crossed my fingers when actually clicking, HOPING i wouldnt have to answer all 98, maybe you’ll be tame this time, but no! this is what you’re doing to me. and ykno what, Fine. u dare me and i Will do it. i hope u rb the asks post so i can do it to u too, tho

1. coffee mugs

2. chocolate bars

3. bubblegum

4. that smart student who always read instead of actually paying attention

5. soda from glass cups is the best

6. its hard to just Decide between all these styles so ill say which one applies to mine most, which i Gotta say has to b preppy even if i want like goth or grunge to b mixed in

7. headphones

8. good omens, fmab, castlevania, uhhhh. those are just the ones ive watched so far this summer

9. my grandparents’ home. which is kinda weird but i have a lot of summer memories there

10. i sucked at like Everything in p.e., there Was no best

11. leftovers

12. i cant choose a favorite playlist?? /some/ of them, tho, are soar my ethereal heart, neither here nor there, mountainside storms, and sync of my heartbeat. so like any of my more recent ones

13. lanyard

14. i had to google a list for this bc honestly i always eat just chocolates but i like starburst

15. fahrenheit 451 was a rly fun read. ray bradbury’s writing gave me inspo for metaphors and writing and such and it was rly nice

16. sprawled across one of those comfy armchairs where i can swing my legs over one arm n lay my head on the other one

17. my black converse

18. cool temperature and rain without storms, or a cloudy day that lets me take a nice walk

19. on my side if i can but on my back otherwise

20. on my laptop, in google docs, to be more specific

21. winnie the pooh

22. idk?? i try not to look to just one person for a source of “this is how i should be”, so i guess,,,, a mix of family members and then a couple like more famous ppl??? which would basically consist of one of my aunts, my dad, and jenna marbles, to keep my Brain Process for role model stuff simplified

23. i dunno if any of the habits i have are strange?? i bounce my right leg and my right hand kinda. like. shakes when im nervous. i cant rly think of anything else i do tho i Know i probably have other habits

24. amethyst or pyrite

25. ur really just assuming my memory is good enough for this but if i had to say, it’d be any popular song from 2009 specifically

26. hide in my room with a fan and ac

27. read with a blanket wrapped around me or smth

28. atlas: six by sleeping at last, flaws by bastille, atlas: five by sleeping at last, she by dodie, and neptune by sleeping at last. there are probably more/better ones but those are the first ones i found

29. listen. be open with me. talk with me. not to sound like that person, but sharing ur life secrets is a rly big ice breaker for me because it helps let me know i can trust u. but also idk im a really awkward person and can accidentally distance myself from ppl so when ppl notice theres smth up w me or even do the bare minimum of doing Their part to maintain a friendship, that’s always rad as shit when idk how to communicate what i need

30. my room, my high school’s auditorium, the local barnes and noble

31. black boots, black jeans, any button-up shirt that’ll match that combination OR a really cool sweatshirt

32. im a bad bitch, you cant kill me. road work ahead? uh, i sure hope it does. it is wednesday, my dudes! welcome to chili’s. i love you, bitch, and i ain’t ever gonna stop loving you, bitch.

33. probably “omg” or “oh my god”

34. sc johnson. a family company.

35. i dont even have one but on a good night like 10-11

36. the troll face memes

37. suitcases feel much more organized

38. lemonade

39. lemon cake

40. ummmmm....one time a tech/theatre kid left a paint can sitting out in the open accidentally and a person took a shit in it or smth then knocked over the can, spilled a bunch of paint, and tried to clean it up w a broom and proceeded to like snap the broom in half. then they ran away to leave the kids to clean it up the next day. i wasnt actually there for that but ive heard the story firsthand enough times to Know

41. my dad

42. jacket pockets

43. hoodie is what i wear, tho everything else is Very Good

44. lavender

45. fantasy, my dudes

46. this set of pjs i got for xmas w a soft tshirt and matching baggy flannel pants

47. colby jack

48. uhhh a banana?? i could probably give a better answer if i was more

49. i dont rly live by a quote or saying, i just Go for it

50. my sister has probably done smth before to like Break me

51. everything ever but mostly myself

52. arial

53. uhhh...kinda worn? my nails aren’t doin so good and i have a couple scratches and stuff that Still havent healed after a few weeks

54. get a move on

55. the ugly duckling

56. tradition is kinda vague but i like that it became tradition for me and my siblings to go to my grandparents’ home every summer

57. i think im still overcoming like everything ive been faced with ever

58. writing? listening, helping, giving advice. idk tbh like talents who?

59. "jesus christ, my dude”

60. a fantasy/comedy, or at least if its gonna be fantasy with death and stuff, it should be dope as fuck

61. "isn’t vulnerability the opposite of being in control?” from a webcomic called aerial magic. super simple but the entire scene leading up to it,,,,,so good

62. umm fuck! i dont kno whether favs r usually ones that i relate to or ones that i wanna b like but??? keith from voltron, jirou from bnha, chromedome and/or rewind from transformers/mtmte, sypha from castlevania, and jayfeather from warriors

63. planetary (go!) by mcr, the seed by aurora, hayloft by mother mother, the cup/halloween blues from relient k, choke by i dont know how but they found me

64. coolmath was THE shit

65. yes! two on my leg from a surgery i had to get to realign my femur, bc i snapped the bone in half

66. lavender, snowdrops, hibiscus

67. i dont really have any, mostly bc i have a hard time attaching like. That sorta meaning to just random objects, but i do still have a small teddy bear stashed safely away in my room from when i was a little babee

68. pickle-flavored pringles. disgusting. would not recommend

69. lions’ roars can be heard up to 5 miles away from the original source

70. right handed

71. horizontal stripes, i guess? there’s not much wrong with them but i just Never wear them

72. math

73. i dont usually eat /weird/ flavor combos, even tho ill eat basically anything, but i like ketchup in mac and cheese sometimes. or fries in shakes. chicken and waffles. stuff like that

74. 11

75. idek honestly, my memory is too bad

76. hashbrowns

77. i dont kno a Lot of plants off the top of my head other than the Basic ones but literally any flower in a windowsill is like bone apple teeth in my mind

78. sushi from a grocery store. publix taught me that grocery stores can, in fact, be trusted when needed

79. my school id photo

80. earth tones

81. fireflies

82. pc

83. writing

84. talk radio is nostalgic but podcasts are always more entertaining to actually listen to

84. polly pocket

85. mythology with a dash of fairytales

86. cupcakes, because of my dog’s name

87. abandonment

88. to grow unbreakable attachments with everyone i care very deeply about and grow into an old age with them, or something

89. i feel like answering this question totally honestly would hurt ppl’s feelings, but also i literally could think of like 4 people to put down for this and i’m bad at deciding, esp w smth like this, so. not to b vague but These People kno who they are

90. becoming a part of a certain website with a bad crowd and managing to pick out the good apples in such a rotten batch

91. boxes

92. lamps /and/ fairy lights

93. i dont rly have any but my parents call me hannah banana. that’s ab it, tho

94. fall/winter? it kinda is inconsistent because fall has bad weather in florida but winter is when like everything has Gone Wrong in life these past few years, but then fall has such a GOOD aesthetic and my birthday is in winter, so they’re pretty even rn

95. uhhh??? thats such a weird thing, to try and assign a “favorite” app, but the only thing i could think to say would be spotify just bc i use it so much on my phone, even if the app itself isnt the greatest

96. i havent set one, actually, bc im lazy and havent found anything that’d fit

97. 2 and a half

98. the part where fish were learning that they could walk on land

#asks #resilientspeaker #trying to put this under read more #but either tumblr doesnt let asks to do that or its not showing me anything #either way if this Does show to b a long post sorry ab that

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

Tag Game - The Question Game

So i was tagged by @221b-unicornstreet so gracias for the tag :) 1. Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi (i know the recent ad was shitty but coke tastes like blood to me) 2. Disney or Dreamworks: dreamworks I guess 3. Coffee or Tea: Tea (im british leave me be) 4. Books or Movies: books 5. Windows or Mac: I'm too poor for apple products so Windows 7. Xbox or playstation: playstation!!!! I used to play Thomas the tank engine games on the playstation one 8. Dragon Age or Mass Effect: I don't think Ive ever played either but dragons win everytime so dragon age 9. Night owl or Early Rise: night owl (I don't sleep) ever)) 10. Cards or Chess: chess, I love chess so much 11. Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate (fun fact, until a few weeks ago, I thought vanilla was the fancy name for banana flavour) 12. Vans or converse: converse (emo me is coming back no) 13 lavellan, trevelyan, cadash or Adaar: I have no idea what any of these things are 14. Fluff or Angst: fluff 15. Beach or Forest: well beaches are sunny normally (unless you live in britain) and I get more migraines in the sun so let's go forest 16. Dogs or cats: it's hard to choose but I won't abandon my pets so I'll go cats 17. Clear skies or Rain: rain I love it so much and there's an abundance of rain in britain so this is the most patriotic I've ever been 18. cooking or eating out: eating out 19. Spicy food or mild food: mild 20. Hallowen/Samhain or Solstice/Yule/ Christmas: H A L L O W E E N 21. Would you rather forever be a little too cold or little too hot. well I don't normally feel the cold which is a side effect from the brain damage (I think) so I'll probably go cold since I like cheating the system 23. Animation or live action: live action 24. Paragon or renegade: the only thing I know of these two things are that they're clubs in sims 4 and I like the renegades more because m o r g a n h e l l o so renegades 25. Baths or showers: showers 26. team cap or team iron man: team cap (aka team bucky barnes because he is my smol bean and also like he's the closest thing I have to brain damage representation really so) 27. fantasy or sci-fi : fantasy 28. Do you have three or four favorite quotes if so what are they? uh. my favourite quote (which im having tattooed on my wrist) is 'it only takes a little push to pull on through' which is from all time low's song missing you (LISTEN TO IT PLEASE IT'S SO GOOD). idk, almost anything russell howard has said is good. 29. Youtube or Netflix: Youtube (you can find a lot of Netflix stuff on YouTube btw) 30. Harry potter or Percy Jackson: see, this is difficult because like a few years ago I'd go with harry potter because it was one of the only things that could cheer me up in bad times but right now im gonna go with percy jackson because rick actively makes his books diverse and I love him for it and rowling doesn't really do that much so yeah. Plus nico 31. When you feel accomplished: idk? When I do well 32. Star wars or star trek. I've never watched either but I'm gonna go with star trek since KHAAAN 33. Paperback or hardback books: hardback 34. handwriting or typing. Typing since my handwriting is so bad 35. Velvet or satin: either idk 36. Video games or movies: idk can I just say musicals (I like both) 37. Would you rather be the dragon or own the dragon: Own a dragon, can you imagine how many laws you'd have to abide by if you were a dragon 38 sunrise or sunset: Sunset since sunrise reminds me how much of a mess I am with my sleeping schedule 39. What’s your favorite song: MISSING YOU BY ALL TIME LOW PLEASE LISTEN TO IT 40. Horror movies Yes or no: YES 41. long hair or short hair. Long hair 43. assuming the multiverse theory is true and every story ever told has really happened somewhere which one of the movie/book/TV show/games/ etc world would pick to travel first: Les mis world so I can hug my poor barricade children 44: if you had to eat only one thing for the rest of your life what would it be: potatoes (you can do a lot of things with potatoes guys) 45 Older guys or young guys? : young since I'm young? 46 if you could erase any show from TV history what would it be? Idk. Anything seth macfarlane has done I guess 48 Instagram or Twitter. I don't have either... 50: who’s your role model: probably my mom honestly like she's gone through so much in her life and she's still fighting and she's still so positive 51: what is your favorite album of all time: American Idiot or Kerplunk by Green Day 53: if you could have dinner with anyone living or dead who would it be: either Victor Hugo or George Blagden about E and R 54. Who is your favorite poet? Sophie Hannah 55. Hercule Poirot or marple: miss marple 56. If you could start your life over what would you have changed: see, this is where I should probably say not have a brain injury or not let my dad hurt me so much (or maybe have a better relationship with him), but I'm happy with who I am right now and I don't want to change anything about myself so I wouldn't change anything. Can I change my moms life so she has a better life instead? 57. If a genie granted you 3 wishes right now what would you wish for. - equality -my mom to never have to struggle for anything ever again -idk a correct sitcom about all my favourite books? Idk 58: your favorite fruit? Apples 59: what band/artist from a genre you normally don’t like do you love nonetheless: Little Mix 60: Do you have a certain style that you like/ follow? fashion style? Not really? Idk And my question: idk elmo or the cookie monster? And I'll tag: @nerdebenimdiangelom @a-speck-of-the-universe @hipsterish666 and @its-jj-style-bitches

#Tag stuff #Idk #Listen to missing you by all time low #Please #It's so good

[itsyueko]

.0736.

i so i’m practicing military time now. and i feel like since i talk about my feelings so much on here, that i can spill them out here as much as i feel. i’m just craving for that interaction without intentionally realizing itts. so i replied back to two messages friday evening (to guys). and realized i want to talk to more girlfriends tooos but fortunately my friend Hannah works with me night shifts except she’s part time because of school. And I’ve been adding and have been added as friends by my colleagues at work. One of them who very oddly resembles my ex ex before bc tall and lanky and very sarcastic and very filipino and cosplays with his wife and friends 😅 and when we’re at work hes supposed to be  the bedside shift report getting out of the day shift and i’d be the person he would report to bc nights.

And I guess because I’ve been updating my manager on things and letting her know my concerns and showing her consistency at work so far since my orientation training, I’ve also been updating my colleagues too but some of them (really only one or two of them 😒) enjoy gossiping about the other coworkers, mainly about my friend Hannah. It’s like you really have nothing better to do .-. Honestly if that patients were fine with her last night and only had one or two concerns that don’t involve YOU, and were just by their opinion or by pain even though your tech the previous night did everything they could and consistently ask for pain meds (even if theyre on scheduled ones AND not to mention even though I was on the brink of falling asleep the whole shift with only two hour sleeeps, I still saw and heard Hannah going in and out of the patients rooms during hourly rounding). On a serious note, this lady, Sylvia .-. she’s this thick african american accent who is also pretty new at work for about a month now from what my manager told me. She’s beautiful she’s this old lady with dark skin and hair braided and tucked half up/down. BUT, her manners during bedside shift report were not. 

My point is, I can talk with these guys. We can be catty and shit talk about each other, as long as we’re still giving that care to the patient. I realized I’m still irritable if only having 2-4 hours of sleep a day, so I’ll try to take Tim’s advice (former uic classmate/ former one week or month crush/current friend ish who’s friends with Katherine 😅 bc out of the blue he messaged me a few days ago and we were talking about nursing and his passion for sticking needles into patients and drawing their blood lmao) and try to sleep RIGHT AFTER getting home from work and getting settled obviously. idk, I just naturally wake up at 11 or noon from those naps and end up going to sleep at 6. So i guess that would be 5 hours of sleep sometimes but broken up in between throughout the day. I would have to have my alarm set for 8;45. LATELY, I’ve been wanting to go to work at 9:30 and be there at that time and then clock in at 9:53, because of looking over the kardexes and seeing if theyre updated or not. Obviously my plains just end up with me coming in 3 minutes before 10 anyway :/ and just scribbling away patient info on my nursing sheets. And then try to jump immediately into bedside report. I think I’ll be more considerate and aware because I know the PT(patient) will want to sleep right after getting their VS and having used the bathroom, being repositioned, and feeling more comfortable in bed. Fortunately, most of the 13-bed patient rooms in ortho on my unit, are alert and oriented. Theres been times where we will get a few extra people who are diagnosed for GI bleed, Hx pneumonia or other iso precautions BUT along with an ortho surgical thing, or nausea, etc. Most of the time these extra patients can walk, and at night time just assist standby as needed and check on them hourly rounds and doing garbage and linens in between. 

During the morning shift, our manager will be doing rounds on the patients and techs as well just like I’ve seen during my orientation training for mornings. She gave me a tip after orientation to make sure the room looks neat and tidy, even if they wanted to keep their linens in their room, make sure it all looks presentable, common sense etc. And then she’d go and ask how their night went, and depending if we’ve given them that care or not, then the most they’d complain about is just pain even if they’ve taken all their meds. And a tip she gave me for adjusting that pain, is maybe have a pillow underneath their surgical elbow to elevate it, or have a towel rolled up and put underneath the ankle/heel to relieve pressure. Offer to make sure their SCD’s are on and offer to reposition them. And the ones who are back surgicals (laminectomies) we’d have to make sure they get into bed safely and log roll them into position. So they’d have to trust their arms, elbows, and side of their bodies to maneuver themselves into bed, while we offer to support their legs or any part of their body to help them into bed. One of them the other day before my shift ended adn after bedside report, asked me if I would be working that evening again, and I told her sadly that i was off the weekend and she complimented me for my bedside care and was proud of herself that she was able to get back into bed and said her thanks for having given her a new gown to dress into because she was mostly sweating and getting cold/warm throughout the night. I had offered to change her linens at 3 in the morning because of a stain from her lower back dressing and made sure she knew that the nurse was informed also. And because she had her daughter come by yesterday there were a few chairs that kinda crowded the room so I made the space looked neater since she used a commode at the bedside. 

I think I’m getting used to it it’s been a first week for me on the floor without a preceptor. Technically that was supposed to be my second week by myself, BUT I asked my manager if I could have another week to practice and be on the floor to get used to the routine and just have someone there to assist whenever I needed it. She commended me for being honest and reassured that it would be an excellent idea considering she wants me to feel comfortable and confident on the floor. And at least during nights we don’t have to remove foleys (if their foleys were removed during the day, we would just make sure if they havent been urinating after 6-8 hours consistently that we would have a hat in there and possibly day shift before their shift ends would do a bladder scan). And at least at night we wouldn’t have to do iv removals, UNLESS, the patient asks for it on the very morning like 3-4 a.m if they were concerned about it and just wanted it removed on the day theyre getting discharged. Like the other day I had to remove one because a patient of mine was getting discharged to go to westmoreland/ECF (similar to nursing home/rehab care until they can go home) and was hoping she’d get the best care there like she had with me and a few other techs. This was the same patient who also appreciated me sharing with her my stories about writing and reading for fun or for just student train in tutoring a few semesters ago. So far, after being asked how nights went by several people, I’ve kept some key information in mind like if they wanted to walk around in the middle of the night then let the nurse know and also let them walk if they need to. Obviously not on the day fresh out of surgery, but when PT/OT says it’s okay and walk with them too. And be sure to be considerate of trash and their posessions like making sure their overbed table wasn’t cluttered with old tissues or that theyre phone or their spirometer (instrument patients use to measure air capacity bc we’d also need their saturation to be at 92/93+) was in reach if they needed or out of reach. 

So that was the gist of the first week, and then suddenly getting that message out of the blue by him. And it feels like earlier and yesterday I had all these thoughts running in my head about it or what-ifs like if I had been at uic longer and chosen to stay. Or etc. what-if in the future. I just wanted to write it down because it means something to me and having people from the past come back to you in a way where that interaction isn’t lost forever. I think what I learned from a couple of online classes and reading from lectures is at this certain age and before your 40′s, people tend to feel a lost of intimacy and identity still searching but that they try to fill in their time and everything. And I’m thankful at least he liked that I talked alot, as if I hadn’t talked about it in forever with someone and felt like I was just keeping it to myself and needed to spill what I felt. And he was glad he had someone to hear his thoughts and passions for perfusion and I think I just wanted insight on school and I think his parents are tryng to make him go back and do nursing. SOO if that’s the case, even though I told him to fight for what he wants to do, we might end up being in the same batch for nursing if I go to uic haha. Since i have the same plans to take anatomy at my school rn and a few other courses but for chamberlain or uic. It’s iffy right now and maybe there’s a chance as long as I have other schools backed up. I just like how after watching so many nursing and med student videos online, that it’s not too late to achieve your dreams, it’s not too late to start over 🌸☀️

#personal #school #studying #nursing student #pre nursing #study #studyblr #night owl #night shift #northwestern medicine #feelings #bc im in feeels and don't want to overthink about other stufff but i'm glad that someone has an open mind about things so i like talking #and sharing things with them #hopefully if i get into uic's or if they go there #at least there's someone from the past to hand off and share notes and lecture experiences with #despite being in the same or seperate schools #yesterday i was dealing with so many emotions that i soooo wanted to get over lol and watched a couple of new updated videos #from other students on youtube #and i felt more encouraged to get there and despite a failed class or two of theirs #they were able to move past it and graduate with honors and still become an RN #and get into their dream jobs #it's awesome and I feel more that encouraged to support my situation to these schools #bc life happens and it's never to late to start over #and want that license and kitty and studio apartment c: