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#idk how to live with myself and at this point im afraid to ask
opens-up-4-nobody · 6 months
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#what does one do when their perception cannot b trusted? im so physically and emotionally exhausted#and i can go from feeling hopelessly terminally bad to completely normal for no apparent reason. and on occasion i can go from normal to i#think i can stay up all night. i never have to sleep again. look how great i can focus. i could kill god.#and i have no emotional object permanence so it feels so stupid when im normal. i cant sympathize with myself in altered states of mind#and it doesnt matter but it makes me crazy the idea that i might not b bip0lar but i just push myself so far that under pressure my mind#splits into the catastrophically positive or negative. but i feel like this is how i have to live. i have to b perfect or pay a blood debt#and thats just how it is. and thats how its been. so at this point ive spend thr last idk 15 years of my life being d#some measure of miserable for no reason. i dont kno y i do this to myself and im 26 now and idk how to stop bc even pushing myself as hard#as i can im so far behind. how am i supposed to do less and not#and not just quit. im compulsive for a reason. there's a fundamental barrier between myself and understanding language but if i do more and#more and more then i can at least try to keep up with everyone else. idk im so tired. and im 26 and im afraid im stuck like this#and i cant even... its like ive split my head in 2 to cope. ive created distance within myself so that i cant fully feel how terrible i make#things for myself. half my brain is always like lol suffer idiot. it throws off my therapists bc i cant take my own pain seriously. ill#laugh and smile while im like yea i feel horrible like most of the time and i dont kno what to do lol. idk so it goes. i think im gonna stop#with the birth control tho. as it doesnt seem to help with my sadness levels. idk if ite making ot worse or not. guess well find out#itll b easier once i dont have to b trained on things. then i wont have to ask a question and burst into tears on my lab mate 🙄#unrelated
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yok00k · 2 months
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coming down
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pairing: non-idoloc! x idol!jk
genre: angst
“i always want you when i’m coming down”
sypnosis: although you sleep next to jungkook every single night, it feels like you’re million miles away from him.
wordcount: around 1,000
warning: in 1st pov, it’s a little sad (for me), open ended ending, one sided love, allusion of cheating, oc’s world revolves around jk (don’t be like her)(lowkey im her), toxic relationship, lack of communication
author’s note: this did not go as I initially planned help-_- i was gonna make light jealousy oc/jk drabble idk how I ended up with this. i hope yall sob w/ me or lmk ur thoughts
an absolute ideal.
his performance. the concept. the way he sang his new released songs flawlessly. how smooth his dancing movements were. how the stage composition and development were so sumptuous.
and most importantly, how romantic the live performance was, given the fact that there was an actress involved in the show.
calling Jungkook an amazing artist would be an understatement. He’s creative, unique, and original in his masterpieces. Everything he does, no matter what, is just mesmerizing and astounding. He’s indeed a true performer.
Jungkook dedicated several months to work on his solo album. The time and effort he had put to his work is just admirable. On most days, he stays up late, trying to come up with so many possible ideas and options he can add on his album.
and I was there by his side. I chose to be.
I was there, waiting for him to come home every single night, or usually midnight, in our noiseless living room, wrapped with a thick blanket and loneliness. He would arrive home, but as night by night goes, I was accompanied by nothing but solitude. it feels like it’s taking over me.
I was there, in bad days where Jungkook is focusing on the negatives and having doubts in himself. Days where his standards for himself weren’t being met. both of my shoulders were closely next to him if he needed something to lean into. Reminding him that it’s okay and he’s doing wonderful.
I was there, even in times when he didn't want or need me to be there. times where he just wanted to be by his own with no distraction. but here I am, continuously showing him my undying love and support for him.
I chose to stay there. on nights where he stopped saying “i love you” back before going to dreamland. I hugged him closer as I convinced myself to believe that he just didn’t feel like saying those three words at those moment because of all the stress he undergoes through day to day.
I gave all of myself, I’ve done my part as his other half. Just like how Jungkook produces his works, I poured all my love and time to him, leaving not a thing for myself. It sounds foolish, but that’s just how I love
⋆。゚☁︎。⋆。 ゚☾ ゚。⋆
we’re both lying on the massive bed, only inches apart from one another’s body yet it feels like he’s millions of miles away from me as I stare at his cold, broad back that’s facing me.
I’ve got to used to this upsetting scenario at this point but that doesn’t mean it hurt less.
The whole bedroom feels chilly. I’m freezing, solely due to the fact that his warm arms weren’t wrapped around me like they used to be. as i’m not hearing his snores, I know that he’s still awake
“Do you still love me?” I manage to ask out loud and clear, immediately regretting the words that came out of my mouth even though it’s simply an inquiry.
a question that’s been going around my head for quite some time now. a question that i’m afraid to know the answer to because his response might be the response my heart doesn’t wish to hear or else it will shatter into millions of pieces.
my hope for an answer rapidly decreased as seconds went by filled with silence. The absence of noise that surrounded me was deafening; abundantly mocked the emotions I was feeling at the moment, screaming at me that my feelings didn't matter.
It's alright.
I did nothing but wipe the single tear that uncontrollably rolled down my cheek.
it’s stupid. I should’ve just kept it to myself. maybe that would be less embarrassing. less problematic. less painful than I was feeling minutes ago.
I turned my back against his as I accepted my defeat. maybe I’m just tired. maybe drifting to sleep will make me feel okay although I know deep inside that I won’t take the pain away. this is not some type of feeling i’m unfamiliar with to begin with.
I shut my eyes, as I try to put myself to sleep. but in that process, i felt his body moving, turning around, and finally snakes his warm arms around me. a pair of arms, the same ones I longed for so many nights.
“____, why would you ask that?” he giggly asked, sounding like he just heard a silly question. as if i was just being clingy and wanted some piece of his attention.
‘because i don’t feel like you love me anymore’
the man waited for a response, waiting to see if I was just fooling around or that was really genuine. the noiselessness, just like all times, answers the question we both interrogate to each other.
the heavy feelings just got worse, if not heavier. even so when he talks more. “i won’t be laying next to you if i wasn’t.” as if that makes me feel better.
indeed, he’s physically here by my side yet distant. Jungkook is so far off that I’ve lost him. numbness was all I felt as I heard his words. I couldn’t be more content now that I have my answers.
his indirect answer to a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question is enough for me to know where we stand.
I can’t help but to turn my body to face him, just to stare at his doe eyes that I easily get lost in due to the fact that they hold thousands of stars, if not a whole world in them.
regretfully, my eyes should’ve just maintained contact with doe-like eyelids. but rather, they drop their focus on the side of his neck, detecting a foreign lipstick shade that he might have forgotten to wipe off. a shade that will be tattooed in my brain and will forever hate.
Inhale. Exhale. I chose to shrug it off, bringing my attention back to his worn out face.
“I love you” truthfully and whole-heartedly confessed to him once more just like I always do. although this was a little bit different because I don’t expect him to say it back anymore.
and with that in mind, this was also the last night that I will to express my love for him.
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seo--changbin · 9 months
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ok ok so i have this angsty lil thought about minho that just constantly plays on my mind and i hurt myself sometimes ngl jshdjdjdk but like we know min has this really special brand of humour right? he's quick witted and sharp tongued and he doesn't mean anything by it but i always end up imagining what it would be like if he accidentally took a joke too far. like if he said something without really putting too much thought into it but then is immediately horrified and can feel his heart shattering into a million little pieces when he sees the way the smile falls from your face and the tears gathering in your eyes. he'd be too shocked to react instantly but then you walk away from him without saying anything, just tears streaming down your cheeks and he feels sick to his stomach with worry. how could he be such an asshole? do you hate him now? is he going to lose you? how does he even begin to make up for this?? for hurting you and making you of all people, the literal love of his life, cry?
he doesn't follow after you, just lets you go, because he feels like he needs to give you a little space to process everything. but also that's a lie he's just too scared to run after you and see all the hatred he knows you now have for him reflected in your eyes (listen i head canon that minho is a soft, sensitive boy and he's prone to bouts of severe insecurity – like all of us tbh – especially in a relationship, where he just loves so much and is afraid of losing you because he's not good enough)
but anyway, he spends the next few days just sending you a hundred texts and voicemails all saying how utterly terribly sorry he is and explaining how he didn't mean what he said and the last thing he ever wants to do is hurt you. but let's say what he said was a little insensitive so maybe you're not ready to talk to him just yet and you ignore all his texts, calls and voicemails. even all the flowers and apology notes he has delivered to your place.
and with every day that passes by he grows more anxious and desperate and he realises how much you actually mean to him because he can't eat properly and he can't sleep well and even though he likes to pretend he has his shit together in front of the others he's seconds away from breaking down. just general angsty stuff yk?
anyway, maybe it gets to the point where one of the others need to intervene and ask you to speak to him at least once cause they're worried he's going to get himself sick of he keeps this up. and that's it basically, i guess i like the angst too much to think of a happy ending but maybe you guys talk and he grovels and begs for you to forgive him (pathetic men in love ugh *chef's kiss*). give him another chance to make it up to you, he'll never hurt you again (and he probably won't omg he'd treat you like you're made of glass) and after radio silence from you for a week he realised that he cannot live without you. like if you actually left him he'd just roll over and dye or something
and yeah, cue extremely soft, doting make up sex where he cries and tells you he loves you and leaves soft smooches all over you face and holds you so close to him because he's scared you'll slip through his fingers if he doesn't :((
sorry friend this brainrot is long 😭 i just wanted to share this with someone before i lost my mind. absolutely loved that last minho angst fic of yours it fucked me up like what do YOU mean i have a husband and a baby but its not minho and not his kid 😔 why would you hurt me like that (no offense Chan). great job on the fic tho absolutely love how he's still pining 🖤 like i said, pathetic men 😗👌
That's a whole fic that you sent, anonnie 😭 like how r u guys coming up with these kinds of fic ideas??? I ALSO LOVE ANGST + MINHO PAIRING IDK WHY SO THIS ONE JUST HITS THE SPOT REAL NICE.
Also im glad you enjoyed my last minho angst fic, it fucked me up too 😔 pls do expect that there will be MORE minho angsty fics that i will post in the future (side eyes my "Bound by the Ring" and "Bound by Blood" fic in my wips list 👀 AND "5 More Minutes" as a special mention)
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ask-rw-dark-au · 3 months
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Hello, you don't really need to answer this ask. I just enjoy your blog and well, idn, I just want to give a little bit of advice/encouragement. I'm bad with words, specially in English, which is not my first language, please don't take this as an insult or offense, I really tried to just come here in friendly terms (terms? That's how you said it? Idn 😅)
What I wanted to say it's, whatever you do in any fandom it's always best to do it for intrinsic motivators, specially if the fandoms are small. Having engament it's great, I'm a fanfic writer, I know that feeling of seeing any comment in my stories, but I learned long ago that I must do things for myself, for my personal enjoyment and fulfilment.
Don't get me wrong, i enjoy your blog, you will probably figure out who I am bc I'm gonna reblog stuff lmao but you know, do this for your own personal happiness, not to seek engament. I have stories from 2013 and even 2015 that to this day have no comments but I'm fine with it. I really enjoyed writing them and I'm proud of them, even if they have almost no engament at all, I wouldn't delete them for any reason <3
What I try to say it's try to not seek motivation in extrinsic motivators like engament and just do it to have fun! Do it for you, not expecting attention, but to just have fun and feel nice inside. Do gender bend, play with sexuality and relationships, explore and come out with new designs and lore, and enjoy it fully. Don't be afraid to take breaks if you need and come back when you feel like yeah, I wanna have fun with this again! I may be shooting myself in the foot since I'm saying dude take a break if you need, that it's totally fine, even tho I wnana see more of your ideas, but seriously, your personal enjoyment comes first :D
So yeah, have fun, ignore the haters and all that people that don't get what Au means can go live under a rock ;v
Have a nice day/night 😘
thank you so much for the ask !!!!! im answering it so other people can see since i think this is a really really good message,,,
i do my best to do things for my own enjoyment, and i do absolutely LOVE this au and i love making it :3333
however, ive always struggled with doing things i enjoy because of how often its ignored by friends, family, ect, so im prone to forgetting even though it was enjoyable
engagement helps me remember it exists, helps me get new ideas, and mostly helps me know that its worth posting to places. i dont enjoy doing things when nobody knows it exists, and although im not sure why, its kinda just how it goes for me idk man SHGSSGD
ive been taking breaks periodically throughout winter break, and thats why i usually answer asks in short bursts since it means they all build up and then i can answer them all at once :3 i get myself hyped to answer and then i can and it works pretty well for me,,,
fr man i think. i think that "au" is a bigpart of the "ask rw dark au"
sure, just about nothing in this au is the same as canon, but thats. thats the point of an au im just silly like that !!!!!!
ive been working on not relying on engagement to enjoy things, ive been getting better about it and i have been able to make things just because i like them
idk if it makes sense or not, but sometimes it feels like i shouldnt enjoy something when nobody else does or seems to, you know? ive struggled with people pleasing for years as well as having problems with adhd / anxiety (unmedicated) making it difficult for me to kinda just. do things guh
im not saying this bc i disagree because i dont at all i completely agree with what youre saying and i do genuinely appreciate this !!!!!
im working on getting better abt it and i think im going to delete the reblog post soon just because i dont really think its worth it, hopefully if i just keep answering asks and making designs and drawing these silly creatures ill be able to get past the worry that people dont like it and just start posting because i like it !!!
thank you so much !!!!!!!
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creedslove · 4 months
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sorry this is literally my 2nd ask of the day/evening lmaoo but I was wondering if anyone was also thinking/feeling like they aren't socialising enough and just being more extroverted and 'out there' (especially when it comes to college/uni!). yesterday I saw an old friend of mine who goes to a different university than me (I moved quite far from home and in some way escaped from everyone lmaoo). anyways, she told me all about how she goes out to parties, has a boyfriend etc and then here I am just living quite an uneventful life (normally go to coffee shops with friends, the library and study, write or spend time on here or pinterest and maybe drink a bit once in a while). it feels like Im just wasting years by not doing things that she is and its so stressful for some reason 😭 😭 😭 idk this is a bit of a rant but yeah thanks for listenining to my ted talk!!! 😌😍
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Jules baby, first of all, you are ALWAYS welcome here, you can send me as many asks as you'd like and I'll always have a smile on my face ☺️
Also, I see that you are so young 🥺💖 and as I'm a few years older than you, I must tell you this is a complete normal feeling; I don't know if it is normal for EVERYONE but for A LOT of people (me included) it is! I don't know, I guess it has to do with the fact adulthood usually goes way more different than what we expected as kids/teens, so maybe there's that, also the fact that we compare ourselves too much with other people and that can have a negative impact in our lives, for example in my age, I feel like it's a transition period in which we are going through changes, so a some of my former classmates/friends are getting married, having kids, while others are finishing college or working, and some have done none of that!
I think the key point is: do you like your lifestyle or do you think you should be doing the same as your friend to be happy? If you are happy that way, then you do what you love, you have plenty of time to enjoy your stuff or simply change interests... I don't know if I am explaining myself well enough, but that's it! Overall, don't worry about it, do what you want, try new stuff and adventures and don't be afraid of it, love you honey ❤️❤️❤️
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menalez · 7 months
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Hii mena! Its okay if i rant for a bit? 😭 i peaked (more or less) recently and it feels so. isolating i guess. It has done wonders for my mental health and my self esteem though! The pressure of being femenine and wearing make up and shaving and trying to fit in etc is gone (at least the pressure i used to put on myself) so ive stopped feeling like shit whenever i had to conform to any of that. The problem is that the entirety of my circle of friends, whom i love dearly, are libfems and very alligned with gender ideology (we live in a VERY gendie positive place). So. While i obviously hang out and talk a lot with them Ive started to get weird looks from them whenever i wear smth that shows my unshaved legs or critique anything having to do with idk plastic surgery and diets (thats a topic that idk why comes up A LOT because some of them like to discuss which procedures would they like to get and how much they cost anddd i didnt realize why i felt so uneasy with that and how fucked up it is until i peaked i guess). Ive tried gently critiqueing it whenever it came up, because i honestly feel like my self esteem drops whenever they start to talk about it, but i only receive weird looks and eye rolls and whatevs. And like. I love them, i really do, and its really hard for me to make friends and im lucky to have them. But lately whenever i get back home from hanging with them i feel ugly and dirty and inadequate and like maybe i should either stop talking to them or start shaving and fitting in again. Idk. One of them texted me today and asked if im still a girl or im nonbinary. I just wish they would listen to me and my perspective but im really afraid that i will labeled as a terf because thats like instant harassment at the art college im going rn. This is really badly worded and im sorry but im kind of a mess :") i just wanted to know if you have any word of advice. Thanks in advance :(
congrats on reaching this point anon!! your friends sound .. awful honestly. but you should know their logic and what will get through to them better than me, especially since you held similar beliefs relatively recently. if it were me i would’ve answered that friend asking if ur nonbinary by first asking her why she asked that and why she thinks that. if she points out stuff like body hair or not wearing makeup or not being feminine, i’d say that those things don’t mean someone isn’t a woman & it’s enforcing gender roles to say they’re necessary for women to do. use their language and their logic when contradicting them. when criticising plastic surgery, think of what they care about and what would make them listen. if they’re anti-capitalism bring up how it’s a capitalist ploy. if they care about feminism, talk about how plastic surgery advertising involves fuelling the insecurities of women for profit. it depends on what their priorities are and u can bring up many things to appeal to what they care about. if they care about ur feelings u can also try to find a way to gently tell them that they’ve been making u feel insecure / bad about urself and it makes it hard for u to live ur life as u want to. hopefully they’d at the very least respect that, if not … perhaps finding new friends even if difficult is better for u
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thisdreamplace · 1 year
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hi! i was wondering if you've got any advice when you're paralyzed by fear? meaning i'm so afraid of even trying to see if the law works, so ended up putting it off. yet i keep reading about it, seeing other people's success stories doesn't help and logically i know i won't understand if i don't see it for myself. but then i'm just too afraid of what will happen if it is fake - i feel like i built it up so much to the point idk how to live if it doesn't work. like i just don't want to live if it won't work, but! i won't try bc self-preseravtion i guess. other part of me thinks it's saving my life by not doing it. but i'm so tired, i can't willpower thru it and i just at this point just want to try it out but it just won't let me. and i tried confronting it to see what my life would be like if it won'r work and i feel like i won't have any prospects and it turns depressing and i just don't have any motivation to live. sorry for weighing on you like this, but i'm beyond desperate.
okay, wow. thanks for sharing, a lot of that is definitely heavy to carry.
my best advice to you would be to let it go ? i mean. im thinking of myself, when i was in those dark places, and when i saw the law as my saving grace. it put so much pressure and weight on myself and my life. it’s no surprise that instead of doing something, you just do nothing because it’s all too much.
so stop putting all that power in something outside of you. i think the law is so cute and it promises you this wonderful perfect life and then you have all the people and their success stories that keep you fired up. i get it, but its time to leave it behind. your actual well-being is on the line here, as you expressed you’re clearly in a dark place. i’ve seen so many people use the law as their anchor, as their reason for still being alive and it’s honestly unnerving. i get it because i’ve hit new rock bottoms quite a few times while making the law my savior too.
as much as we hate to hear it, the truth of the matter is not even the law will save you. because while you’re calling the law your one true shot at life, you’re totally misunderstanding that you are your shot at life.
life gets so much better when we stop trying to make it be something else and we let it be what it is. through this we can enjoy it more, we can say okay. what’s in front of me that i can work with ? what’s in front of me now that i can enjoy/do/experience ? i won’t wait on a false god anymore — i go out there and experience life for me.
of course, along with that, allowing yourself to live and be a human being, comes a change in mindset you must work on along side yourself. allowing neutrality, allowing beauty and lovely meanings where you decide. dedicating yourself to allowing yourself to be the true you and not the you who’s identity was born of fear and survival — but the true loving and free form you that exists beneath it all. it all works together, but its one moment at a time.
and i would suggest you begin at actually letting it go. get offline, sit with yourself and stop asking what “should” life be like but instead ask yourself “what can i do now ?” it might be small. but it’s important because you’re doing it for you and not for some special outside force you’ve put all your faith in. it’s time to build the faith in yourself. because you quite literally have the ability to live your life. it’s time to remind yourself of that again.
i feel like this may not have been the advice you wanted :D maybe you were hoping i’d say don’t give up now ! keep going ! but no. give up now. and by give up i mean let go of what clearly isn’t working and find a direction that fits more true to your soul. if you thought that following the law the same way everyone insists you follow the law is the only way to your dream life, you are fully mistaken. the best path is the one that works for you, not the one that’s hyped up online lol
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giganticrodent · 2 years
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Tbh coming to the realization that I'm most likely autistic had been a fucking blessing. Recontexualizing many of my lived experiences through this lens has been eye opening. I'm not just a sensitive piece of shit who thinks the world revolves around them. I've never thought that. My biggest fucking fear is appearing selfish.
But like.
Flashing lights hurt my eyes. I used to force myself to look at them and told myself I liked it. I used to look at fucking flashing light videos on YouTube like a fucking psychopath to try to learn to like it. I don't have to like it. I was hurting myself for no fucking reason.
Yellow hurts my skin (even tho I really like it, I don't want it on my body). I remember my mom making me wear a butter yellow shirt with too tight jeans when I was 12. I cried. I was crying at home when a teacher from another district was dropping off pen pal letters (my mom was a teacher) and my mom told her I was dramatic and just didn't wanna wear yellow (to this point: even if I was NT and was being dramatic why would you force your child to wear a shirt they didn't wanna wear? It was a Sunday, I didn't leave the house what the fuck was that)
I used to be made to sit at the dinner table for hours bc I didn't wanna eat my (raw) carrots. I didn't like how long I had to chew them, I didn't like the taste, they made me feel gross and I really, really didn't like them. I was told I was bad if I didn't and I forced myself to eat them. I chewed them for literal minutes at a time but I couldn't make them into a texture that didn't make my skin crawl.
Eye contact made me feel uncomfortable to start and then someone told me eye contact is rude so I was hyperaware to not do it. Come to learn it's rude to not make eye contact but everytime I do I break down in fucking tears (unless it's my husband OR if Im doing it as a power play)
Social interactions are a game. I figured out how to play and realized winning is pretty easy: you smile (tho YMMV I have a round, non threatening face and am AFAB and conventional attractive (???) and also white passing), remaining quiet, and asking questions about the other person. That said there are still things that happen that I'm so fucking confused about (like when people bad mouth someone but then immediately turn around and are nice to them???? Idk about that). But this also means I cut myself off from deeper connections which is frusting because I want to have them but idk how to do that yet (I kind of just fall into them tbh)
I sleep with the same fucking stuffed pikachu I've had since I was 10 when my mom bought it for me because I was afraid of the dark (I was afraid of the dark until I was 16 and honestly I still get freaked out even at 31). I used to take him everywhere but people started to comment so I learned to make regular pillows work (the extra pillow you get in a hotel? That's a marshmallow friend). If I'm overwhelmed and my husband isn't there that's what I reach for everytime without fail and it's comforting. My mom always threatens to throw him out and I know she's joking but I get like... Pushed into a mild form of fight or flight.....and have to go hug onto him lol. I'm sure I could get on without him but I don't want to do that.
I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and BPD and bipolar 2 (tho that last one got striken from my record after I sought a second opinion bc I knew it was off; the BPD diagnosis seems sus too since so very little can be applied to me). After reading about other AFAB experiences I'm very much following along the trend of being diagnosed with a personality disorder instead of autism. Which is whatever, an official diagnosis doesn't change my lived experiences and who I am as a person.
Anyway idk why I wrote this. I had to walk through what could only be described as sensory overload hell into slightly less sensory overload hell and I'm trying not to cry...... Again lol
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24032023; 0100
Its been a long while..  There’s been so much that has been going on in my life the past year. It’s been the worst and I feel like Im at the worst point in my entire life. Maybe not fully
Words are so impactful and powerful, but words at the same time can make or break a situation - when people take it out of context or perspective, when they see their arguments, issues and problems to be bigger than anything. The fear of leaving the comfort zone, or the fear of simply accepting that you messed up and you need to find a solution or accept help from someone else. It’s painful and difficult - I understand and empathise.  Actions on the other hand speak louder than words, but what happens when these same actions are misinterpreted or misunderstood. A simple good action could be denoted as an action of harm, resentment or backlash. 
It’s a difficult and painful world we live in - where each and everyone of us are fighting our very own demons, struggling to barely stay afloat or even worst make it past to another day. It’s tiring and exhausting. We fear of being judged or being a burden to another person. But what good will it bring if all we do is feel and not attempt to act accordingly to better the situation. 
I’d be lying if I said I was taking everyday with stride. I should be grateful and blessed for everyday that I get to wake up, where I get to go to a job that I still have and enjoy despite it’s pains, where I have food and the financial capability to treat myself to a good cup of coffee everyday. Cos some people leave in their sleep, some get laid off cos of the current economy, some people don’t even have enough to eat a decent lunch. . Yet if I was called to go - as in die. I will leave everything and everyone in a heart beat. Cos I am tired, and despite being thankful for everyday that I have - I feel like I’m struggling to be happy, to be content, to be at peace. I am tired and I’m worried I will give up one day. 
I’m a fighter, I fight so passionately for what I feel and want. But this same fighter is afraid that - one day I will just drop my shoulders and not care anymore, than any discomfort in life will affect me no more. 
I’m always expected to understand and give way and be more accepting of the situation. To see it from their point of view and understand their struggles. But isit selfish of me to ask the same? I do - without fail, every time see it from the other persons point of view, see how and why they  may feel or act or say certain things. I mould myself to better fit to them or their mood or situation, so that they will not feel the extra anxiety or burden. I understand, or at least I feel I really try to. 
But is it wrong - wrong to feel understood and needed? To feel like I deserve more? Isit selfish of me to think that? 
I’m tired - and honestly, I really want to give up. I know I was heading towards a downward spiral - hence I really got myself checked into therapy. Has it been helpful? Yes - but isit making me a better person? IDK really.. It takes 2 hands to clap, it’s stupid to hold up one hand and not be met with the other hand - Im just left hanging. I will hold up this hand until the other hand meets mine, but all I can hope for is that my hand will not get tired as much as my heart and body is. 
Nothing hurts more than hearing the other person say they feel bad that they dragged you into something dark and bad with the full intention of knowing what they are doing - without being met with a solution. 
But I guess that’s the mystery of life - pain and suffering and how we learn to morph ourselves to better handle situations instead of expecting the other party. 
Cos why try to change others who are set in their ways and habits and thoughts when you can change your perspective on things - the danger of it - not being able to feel anything in the long run - being immune and numb and actually saying well “ it is what it is”. . . 
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cinnabun-faerie · 2 years
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Things I hope I end up writing/want to write at some point (This may be a wishlist to myself since I haven't been feeling 100% in the writing mood):
{hello btw! It's 5am. holy chicken nuggets. Anyways, yeah I'm very sleep deprived. Whoever is reading, I think you're awesome and I hope you have a great day/night. I'm sorry if this post is annoying}
General Stuff
Character birthdays by zodiac signs 🥰
does anyone else like celebrating fictional characters' birthdays?
Fun fact two of my favorite characters are also Libras like me! (Kirishima & Satan). Tannie's birthday is only a day after mine too
anyways
top 10s ! I like seeing how things evolve over time
Hot takes/People sending in asks about what I think about a particular character or game
like idk "Why do you friendzone Thancred, Grey?" Because my friend is in love with him and I will never take her man. But Estinien we have agreed to share.
or similar, "What characters do I feel is off limits cause my friends like them?" I have a list.
Or "Would you trade your best friend(s) for a fictional character? If so, which character(s)?"
go ahead, someone please ask me this.
I feel like I would be curious of what people would ask me 🤔 I'd be down to answer what I can
like it could even be about characters. Like who I think would friends in crossover situations. There's one that is my absolute headcanon between ffxiv x obey me
please chat with me sometimes, i get lonely and its nice to interact with you
i'd love to talk about my d&d game that is MHA themed!
I'm tempted to make content for Blush Blush 😭 but I've already too many characters to write
There's not a lot of content for it on here
30 Day writing challenge for certain holidays. Like last year I did one for BTS/ViXX on Halloween
This year maybe I can do like a romantic month with a mix of ffxiv, obey me, mha and danganronpa
or OR 🥰 a Hogwarts themed challenge that include the series' I write for
that way I'd have a reason to write it
I'm open to ideas
I'm going to do Halloween again this time (but with the current series') so that will be fun
🤔 there was something else that I wanted to say but I can't remember is
FFXIV
More Fandaniel x reader stuff
why do i love him
he's so attractive and for what 😩
honestly idk I've wrote so much
💕 Haurchefant 💕
writing more about my ocs
they make me really happy
Obey Me!
Lucifer x Reader Arcade Date HCs (i got the idea playing Levi's birthday event. The crane game moment 🥰)
short reader x all of the boys
mostly cause i wanna use the "short people are closer to hell" phrase cause I say it all the time
but honestly why do characters gotta be so tall 😭 I'm 5 foot and y'all gonna run me over
MORE BARBATOS PLEASE 🥺💕
honestly anything chaotic as this point, I will live for it
Danganronpa
Literally anything at this point
Stop being afraid to write anything, Grey
My Hero Academia
💕 Kirishima 💕
okay but faerie Kiri
i want to do mha characters as myth stuff
like Demon Bakugou or Vampire Deku
for some reason I really like the idea of villain deku
idk I'm open to mostly anything
Crossover Stuff
i really really wanna sort characters into their hogwarts houses
just Hogwarts being my fictional comfort place is why I'd wanna see all these characters there
im cool with doing crossovers with anything as long as I know it
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red-elric · 2 years
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general writing thing i’ve been working on lately..... ive found that when you’re working from a single pov (which ive been doing fairly consistently for a few years now, helps me keep focused to limit myself like that i think) it can be kind of difficult to write in a way that doesn’t feel like. idk like the pov character is living in a world w a bunch of puppets moving their development along mkjdshfksd....... like it’s hard to make sure the non pov characters still feel real! so what i’ve been doing lately is like, if im writing a scene w the pov character and one other character, my focus will be on what the non pov character is thinking and feeling. i write it through the pov character’s perspective, so their voice and reactions are definitely still there, but it’s like. if pov is A and non pov is B im constantly asking myself what’s on B’s mind? what do they think this conversation is about? what do they see that A doesn’t necessarily notice? what subconscious tells is A giving off that B is reacting to? what isn’t B saying here? and i think it’s helping a lot!
writing this way also kinda requires you to fully Know both (or all, if it’s more than two) of your characters.... writing a scene from one pov and then rewriting the same scene from the opposite pov might be a good exercise to help w that, or just making yourself write from the pov of the character you’re less comfortable with. if you’re rewriting a scene from a diff pov don’t be afraid to completely change what happens btw (or even if you’re just rewriting in general; idk HOW many times i’ve hit a point in a fic where i have to just stop and say ‘this isnt working’ and go back and delete the last several scenes to go in a diff direction lmfao)
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christphrnolan · 10 months
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i just really dont want to exist anymore. I see no point in it. I feel like I don’t matter to anyone in my life. I feel invisible everywhere I go. I am overworked and all my parents say is “well you have good work ethic!’ i dont give a shit. I just bought a camera and im not even happy or excited about it. I got it last week and i haven’t even opened the box yet. I’m sick of my bpd controlling every aspect of my life. I hate that all this mental shit is life long. Why can they “fix” my heart but not my mind? I feel like I have little to no significance in peoples lives. I feel like my friendship with logan is slipping away day by day. I barely saw him these past few weeks and I’m too nervous to text him. Why doesn’t he ever text me? I feel like he’s only my friend when we work. Even then, these last few interactions with him feel flat. I feel like he’s distancing himself from me. It wasn’t like or doesnt feel like it did last year. I miss him so much. I miss talking to him everyday. I miss making him laugh and smile. But I fee like i can’t tell him that or anything about me. I don’t want him thinking i needy or clingy bc im a goddamn 26 year old adult and i shouldn’t need or ask for reassurance like some angsty teenager. Ever since dec of 2019 I’ve had the worst luck ever with friendships. No one stays in my life for more than a year, I was hoping logan would be different, but maybe the cycle will repeat again, and he’ll leave me too. I’m so tired of crying every night and day and making up these stupid scenarios to try to comfort myself bc i have no one to talk to, therapy and meds don’t seem to help, or if they do, i end up relapsing everytime and fucking up all my “progress”. No matter how hard i try, and how hard i try to be positive, it ends up going wrong. and i know its my fault. I cause all my friendships to end. I’m the common denominator. I try to fix myself and my behaviors and my thoughts but you can’t fix this. I’m so so so so so horribly and painfully lonely. I want logan to ask me to go hiking, i dont want to ask him. I’m tired of always being the one to ask and initiate shit. It makes me feel like an annoyance and a burden. I’m terrified to have any kind of ‘serious’ talk with him because I’m scared he’ll reject or leave me. I wish he didn’t mean that much to me. He’s the only cis guy that ever has. And that scares me. Because i rarely ever make friends with cis men. Im not good with society norms and shit so idk what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to talking about certain things. I’m afraid his partner would be angry too if i text him ‘too much’ or ask to spend time with him. I hate imagining my life without him but do and it hurts a lit. My coworker tells me ‘just take it a day at a time’. I wish i could I wish i didn’t have adhd. I wish i didn’t have treatment resistant mental illness. I’ve tried killing myself 3 times before and each time i’m just angry that it didn’t work. I feel like there is nothing for me to live for. I’m tired of the ‘you just need to love yourself” shit. I want to be loved by others. I want a romantic relationship. I want someone to like me even tho i have bpd. I wish i was pretty. I wish i had a nice body. I wish i didn’t love certain people so much. I don’t want to live if my mind keeps torturing me like this. Even my psychs and therapists have left me because i’m too difficult. People have ghosted me a lot. I dont have anyone close to me that i could consider to be my best friend. I see so many people everyday in my store who come in holdings hands and hugging or who have kids and I yearn for that so much, but I’ve never even got to kiss someone. And the older i get, the less and less and less people there are. I truly believe i am not made to be loved. When my parents were my age, they already had a home and were married. I’ve still yet to be asked out. When I tell this to people they say “but you’re so nice/sweet!” but NEVER “but you’re so pretty!”. Idc if you’re not suppsosed to want external validation. I feel like the people who say that tho already have secure relationships and get validated from others all the time. I can’t even stand hearing people say things like “my husband” or “my boyfriend” or “my wife”, ect. I’m so jealous of them. I am so tired of being alone all the time. Even my sister still has my parents and friends who listen to her when she’s upset and care about her and check on her. I wish i didn’t have my transplant. I wish they would’ve let me die as a baby. I don’t want to be here anymore.
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aizeachew · 1 year
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It'd be pretty cool if i could go back and restart my life knowing what i know now. Like the gift of foresight, being able to restart at any point. Id be able to experience so much more of life that i missed, be able to do and learn more, maybe id be able to remember what it felt like to feel that careless sort of joy. I could also just win the lottery too and be set money wise. I suppose at that point i could alter the whole world with the potential of that power and determination. But id mostly just want to live my own good life. Help the poor and old and depressed as well somehow. If only there wasn't so much greed. I could only imagine reliving my life and things going right and enjoying life.
More straightforward i could take care of my health better. Maybe id be able to have straight teeth, be fitter, taller. Mental health wise idk. I guess speak up more against my family. I could watch a bunch 90s and 2000s shows. Play pc and internet games back then. Learn science and computer and math and art stuff. Socially im not really sure. I liked playing a lot so maybe make friends who liked playing the same things. Yeah it would be nice to have some friends back then and a few close ones to hang out with. Maybe go places or just relax at home. Maybe be able to actually ask out a girl. Like i remember i thought of writing a letter and putting it in their locker but i chickened out. Oh yeah other times i wish i couldve helped others instead of being afraid. And then by the time i reach college maybe i could try harder and be smarter and more sociable to do better and have better relationships and skills. Then maybe id graduate and have a good enough job to be self sustaining and slowly be able to handle more of life and responsibilities and be able to take care of myself completely on my own. I could have my own place and decorate how i want and have a pet and have friends over and go hangout and do experiments and arts and travel and shop for cool stuff and just feel accomplished and content. Thatd be a nice life.
But cant restart life so thatll never happen. Its just nice to think about things going right. Makes me yearn for the impossible. I guess it does make me a little sad now that i think about how much i want is missing. No going back hmm. Well if nothing changes on my way put at least ill have built up the tolerance to blunt it by now. Already maybe more than halfway in my lifespan to be like those old people that regret much in their life. Big dreams. Only in my dreams. Until my sleep. Nothing there to reap. Nothing there. Nothing. ..
#i
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harryfeatgaga · 1 year
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Hi sorry Paige I kinda wanna vent so if you don’t wanna post this just ignore or whatever. Idek what I expect you to say anyway like I don’t expect advice or comfort or anything but even though we don’t actually know each other irl (and tbh I am not heavily involved in this fandom anymore) I just feel like I can tell you things. Anyway idk how to describe the way I’ve been feeling lately. I guess it borders on depression as well as emptiness. I’ve felt this way since right before Christmas. Like, I feel sad and lost and empty all at once. Maybe part of it is my age and circumstances (don’t wanna give a specific number cause it makes me feel old and pathetic but I am younger than you and in my mid 20’s). I don’t have a great job (it’s a complete dead end), I stopped going to school (classes were getting rough for me), I don’t have a driver’s license (i’m extremely anxious about/afraid of driving), and I haven’t really had a serious relationship before or even had sex yet (i’m pretty much undesirable and unlovable). I guess part of my problem with that shit is how fucking insecure I am. It makes me afraid to interact with new people or even try to go out and be independent. But honestly I feel like my insecurities are not completely ridiculous or untrue anyway. I’m not smart or creative or pretty. If I was I would probably have a cool career by now and maybe someone who cares about me. Idk I just feel like I’ve somehow gotten way past the point of hitting rock bottom now and it does make me consider “ending things” although I’m too chicken shit to do that either. Idk I just feel so lost and empty rn. I don’t feel like I’m living life at all. Just kinda going through it rn (although ik I’ve been depressed for at least 10 years now, since the last part of my middle school days). Anyways sorry again for this long pointless ask it’s just hard cause idk what to do when I feel like this. Basically hating everything about myself from my looks (especially that) to my personality. I know the only way to really get better is to eventually do it myself but that’s hard too when the depression is so strong that I barely take care of myself as is and just wanna sleep and not wake up.
Im so sorry babe im sending you so much love and positivity and hopefully things can get better for you soon 🫶🏻
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frosnpls · 1 year
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cw vent,, doin bad tonite lads
idk if i have PMDD or if it's the SAD or if it's the work stress or if it's the state of this country and the fact that I'm slowly losing hope of both living independently/being able to afford such as well as ever being able to ever begin to transition properly or just whatever the fuck but man im not having a good time
i keep thinking lately about how ive never been able to catch a break and like sometimes i feel like im blowing it out of proportion and that its not fair because i do actually lead a fairly privileged life but also like. i was literally bullied at the age of THREE by my nursery teacher because she mistook the clear signs of my neurodivergence as misbehaviour. i struggled through school because nobody noticed i was neurodivergent and the people who did didnt want to admit it. i developed body dysmorphia by the age of like 8 iirc. i was bullied throughout all of my childhood and struggled so badly because i didnt have any support in place because somehow nobody noticed the very clear signs of adhd and autism. i lost my teenage years to severe bullying which caused permanent trauma and then lost the four years of my life after finishing school to essentially becoming a carer for an abusive suicidal boyfriend and then spent months after his death blaming myself for "not doing enough" when i had literally become a recluse because i was afraid that if i went out he might need me and i wouldnt be available. this year was the first year i think ive ever actually felt Right because i felt like i had myself figured out and i was doing what i wanted and i felt free and i just. i think theres an element of grieving for probably like a good sixteen or so years of my life where i was consistently traumatised by something and had no chance to find myself as a person
i feel consistently selfish for it but i just want someone to see how much im struggling and acknowledge it yknow like. offer some help or take care of me for a bit. i dont understand why but im in this role of a protector and caretaker for others and whilst i want to look after people and i care so so deeply about the people i do look after id also like to be looked after occasionally, you know? like. the day my cat died my partner was there and i got out of bed and my mum gave me the news and i went downstairs and i held her and i went back to my room and got in bed and started crying and. my partner put their arm around me and said he was sorry and i just curled up into them and cried and i genuinely think its the most ive ever felt cared for in at least my working memory
when i was younger sometimes my dad would try to comfort me when i cried and when i tried to explain why i was crying he would say "oh, [deadname]" in this really sympathetic tone and i remember always hoping he would do it when i cried because it made me feel like someone was actually acknowledging how much i was hurting and there came a point where he stopped saying it and idr if it was just because i was getting older and it sounded condescending or if it was at the point where i started hiding from my parents when i was upset because i didnt want them to worry but there was a period of time where i would actually miss that exclamation every time i cried even though i wasnt coming to my dad for comfort
i want to ask for help and seek help and comfort and be vulnerable enough to let people know i need it but also theres people who rely on me and i worry that if i dont seem positive or up to it they might think they cant come to me and i want them to be able to come to me i really do. then also i feel like if i bring my hurt to others all im going to do is upset or inconvenience them and i dont want to do that
im just trapped because i dont want anyone to worry about me but also i kind of do and it makes me feel so selfish like why would anyone ever want people to worry about them but its just in that way that like. iwould maybe just like to be asked if im alright before ive expressed that im not. i would like someone to notice that im quieter than usual or that i dont seem as enthusiastic or upbeat as i do most of the time and ask how im feeling. even that makes me feel selfish though and i hate it because i know realistically that isnt selfish but equally any normal person would just seek out the comfort they need right?? but i cant because if i initiate it then it means im annoying someone or upsetting someone or taking up someone's valuable time
i dont understand how i can be both looking after others, taking time to check on them and make sure theyre alright, give advice and welcome people in if they need me, and then also at the same time feel like the world biggest dickhead if i even dare to think about asking for the same from someone. or refusing to take my own advice. i need a mental health break from work desperately and my partner keeps telling me this as well but i keep refusing because we had 4 staff members off sick this week and if i went off as well it would make things hard for them. i just cant,, prioritise myself
im tired of england and im tired of the world and im tired of having to figure out how im going to manage to exist in the way i want to one day and im tired of feeling selfish for desiring human contact and im tired of waking up before the sun's up and im tired of feeling sad and not understanding why and im just. im just tired
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crepuscollo · 1 year
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you know what i think the problem is? i continuously let people who don’t meet my mandatory needs into my life. thats why i end up hurt. i never told them what i need and half the time idk what i need anyway. i just let things go for everyone. i dont speak up. i usually dont even know it bothered me till later. and sometimes i think thats j how things are and i cant fix them theres nthn this person can do; blame everything on myself. from here on out, i wanna rlly make sure that i communicate my feelings. im so fucking tired of my emotional needs not being met and walking over myself and just keeping the peace. well, im not at peace.
god. i always let them. im “unproblematic” “low maintenance” “carefree” “everything is simple and nothing is a big deal”. right? cause thats how i gotta be. or else everything would go up in flames. this is how i was fucking raised alright?
my mum makes everything a problem w ruins everything for everyone. so im never gonna be like my mum; always sharing her opinion and expressing herself and saying things and shit. even if all of it is stress, its easier to not show it, it’s easier fof everyone around u. and its not like its unhealthy, right? no bad side effects. and its not like thsres room for 2 stressed and overwhelmed indiciduals right? there cant be. i havs to stay sane. cause she has to act insane.
my dad on the other hand? dont care. carefree. life is simple. life is too short to worry and stress and react and feel. unbothered, unprovoked, uninterested. he seems happy he seems okay. and my mum doesnt.
so how the fuck do u think i turned out? my dad telling me the way to live ur life is to not care and not cause problems and j give ppl simple solutions to their problems. just salek. and no one and no thing can be a problem big enough to make u give a reaction or stress or falter. keep the peace, yeah? all this while my mums anxiety eats away at her. constantly worrying ab this and that and overwhelmed and overstimulated and her minds in bits and pieces and here and there and not sleeping and not focusing not asking no more fucks to give no more space to care about her daughter and fuck, no one gives a shit. LIFE IS EASY ITS SIMPLE JUST DONT WORRY ABOUT NOTHING.
so, how. the fuck. do you think i turned out?
i bottled up my emotions so much to the point where im so overwhelmed but i cant even pinpoint a single feeling. its just all there, overflowing, but i cant see it. i cant feel it. i dont know how. and im afraid that if i start i wont be able to stop.
fun fact: when im crying i dont like being held. i want space. i need reassurance and being told im normal im okay ill be fine cuz it may seem pointless but i need to hear it “youre okay. its okay. youre okay. everything will work out. ill be there. together well make everything right again. dont worry, okay? we got this. you and me? we got this. there’s nothing we cant handle. nothing. is everything is in our hands and is handled and is fine. dont worry. please dont worry. we got this.” and god, i need my tears to be wiped away by some loving hands.
dont talk. just listen to me. tell me that if i share it, and say it, and let you in, well be in it together, and youll help me, and hear me out, and share and unbiased outside perspective. tell me you care so much you just want to take my pain away. you want to hear it. all my thoughts that are eating away at me, if i let them out they lose their power. tell me why you wanna know and dont tell me u wanna know bec u wanna help tell me u wanna know bec u wanna keep me safe and u care and u dojt think i should be alone in my mind. then stop talking. dont over do it. dont be desperate. i need to know its okay if i dont talk. once u tell me ur here with me and i have space to say everything out loud, then create that space with your silence. give me a moment. i need a moment to say it. dont interrupt me. dont give ur opinion. dont try to guess what i want. just dont try. tell me to tell u exactly what it is that i need. let me tell u the story and everything and then ill tell u oh this situation is making me sad or making me regretful so that means i need comforting or ill tell u idk what to do or im confused or idk how i feel then i need advice or if im j overwhelmed and stressed and needed to talk then i need a distraction. let me tell u what i want because if u interrupt or guess or give the wrong expression at the wrong moment itll make me feel misunderstood and unable to communicate how i feel and ill stop trying to talk. i need u to wipe away my tears and give me kisses. not hugs. kisses. let me initiate the hugs.
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