#im literally exhausted what am i doing

[llitchilitchi]

I get hating certain political systems and trying to abolish totalitarian regimes but at the same time many of them are so interwoven with our history and society they have become tropes and when I consume media with a setting where the monarchy is absolute and revered then I am playing my part and sucking that princeling off

#litchi.txt #there are games that address this kinda stuff! and thats good! its good that there are games talking about how this is bad! #but at the same time when I go into a game knowing I will be the prince's sword and shield I dont expect the game to be anti-monarchy #despite having pretty strong opinions on many a thing I tend to put most of them away the moment I engage with media #imperialism bad. monarchy bad. doesnt mean I cant enjoy roleplaying in a game where I help these systems #because guess what its fictional and not everything needs to be a strong statement about politics #sometimes we just... wanna vibe with a setting #I am so very thoroughly exhausted from the politics in this country and where things are going I just kinda need that no brainer gameplay #even if it means working as the secret police for an emperor #even if it means replacing one dictator with another #because its still a game #a lot of people talk about imperialism-monarchy-colonialism with these things because they are a big issue even today #and they are important to talk about!! in real world!! #but I rarely see people be this upset about like religion etc which like. thats also a massive problem. #idk Im just tired of trying to look at fanart of all my fantasy medieval games and people being upset that the games #are not super anti-monarchy despite the marketing being literally 'you are the emperor's bestie. you help him out and go on a quest.' #'your quest is to manipulate local government to support the emperor and do his bidding' #like idk how That is supposed to be a game that addresses it properly #and maybe it does but ig since the MC doesnt look at the player and go REMEMBER KIDS! THIS IS EVIL AND BAD AND WHY MONARCHY SUCKS #it doesnt count??? I guess???

[brothfan1997]

the problem with working a job where u interact with like 1500 people per day & u are supposed to be charming and informative the whole time is that sometimes you are so weird on accident?? and u say something that is so weird to say to another person out loud ?? and u just have to be like :) lets pretend that was normal. do you have any other questions

#me sitting at my table in silence recounting my day and visibly wincing repeatedly etc etc #to be fair to myself people say really weird things to me and then i have to respond. #i think sometimes disney adults expect childrens museum employees to all be like disneyland character employees. #which we are not i’m not actually doing a bit i’m just some guy who works here and will talk to your kid about dinosaurs ?? #if your kid points to a dead bug and asks if its dead (this is in the context of letting children touch preserved specimens) #im literally not gonna play along and lie to your child that is ridiculous #its not sleeping. i am here to talk about science #LOL i will probably delete this later i am so exhausted holiday break sure is… breaking me… #2600 people today… #unrelated sometimes people come up to me later to compliment my stage shows and i think in the new year #im just gonna start being like :) what parts did you enjoy ? elaborate please #i feel like im doing improv all the time.

[darcyolsson]

sometimes I forget that I operate on significantly different energy levels than most ppl my age but I'm on holiday with my friends rn and these people they do SO MANY THINGS. and get this they do them EVERY DAY. madness. people live like this?

#literally have a headache from exhaustion rn and they were like lets go for drinks! #(they walked me back to the airbnb so i could go to bed and then they went. love them) #idk its easy to forget bc i mostly live a normal life bc i am very good at managing it but #whenever im able to do a direct comparison im always shocked 😭 #ill literally be reaching the 'physically sick' levels of tired and theyre like we should go climb a mountain 🫶 #personal #actually i say i live a normal life but i do not. i literally do not i forget that sometimes #what i mean is i survive day-to-day life most of the time. lets not get too enthusiastic now

[soldier-poet-king]

I AM HAVING ARTISTIC IDEAS ABOVE MY SKILL LEVEL + HOURS ON THIS EARTH + AVAILABLE ENERGIES

#anyway. i was looking at [redacted] window shopping for a few lil things #\and its like. oh. oh i wanna make things. i want to hoard meaningful little things that ive made #they have to be hoarded in a little chest so i can keep them close always #and have that meaning and comfort and beauty and joy #yes is that literally not what i am doing on tumblr. and also pinterest #but i want. physical hoarding. grabby hands. sketchbooks and quilts and embroidery #man. so much i want to do. but im just incurably exhausted 24/7 #and my hip is flaring up real bad. which makes me want to lie down and not move ever again

[glitchysquidd]

EXPLODES

#i do not know whats wrong but lately i cannot sleep #i literally am suffering from mild insomnia. #ive only been able to sleep of im in a call w someone #if im not i struggle until im so exhausted i cannot stay awake at all anymore

[hauntedwoman]

almost pulled over on the way to school three times just to cry and think about how fucked everything in my life is rn

#i dont have any money and my job literally cannot schedule me more than one day a week #idk what the fuck im doing in school rn and idk if i want to change my minor or not bc i think id succeed more in creative writing #but i'd have to take a couple extra classes and my parents are already upset that im taking so long to finish school #even tho it was my mom that made me move across the country and go to a new school #so like. obviously there are different graduation requirements here #but my parents dont understand that at all and it's somehow my fault that im taking so long #when i really am not #i'm just trying the best i can while being extremely mentally ill and im just so exhausted #maybe i will take a break from school and actually get a job with a salary #a friend of mine works at a local marketing agency and i could always submit an application #bc i already have an associates in comms and that might be useful

[blndspotting]

yeah im trying to be positive but i am not passing statistics

#bit of a vent #but my god im just so tired of everything that i don't even care if i fail anymore #like i literally feel like i wanna crawl out of my skin and just hide away #but i can't cause if i dont finish what the hell am i supposed to do bro #i dont wanna have to retake this class and i don't think i'd survive if i did it again #cause i was so overwhelmed the entire semester that i just don't think i can take much more of this #much more of anything really cause ive been crying for the past 20 minutes #im just fucking exhausted. i feel like that all the time but rn its really hitting me

[pepprs]

genuinely so angry and scared im shaking. how many other times this week this month this year have i been exposed without knowing it. do people even tell each other anymore. it’s just so grim. it’s so fucking grim

#purrs #delete later #covid19 #i am fighting for my fucking life every day to stay safe and to keep the people around me some of whom are disabled / chronically ill / #immunocompromised / medically vulnerable safe. i am fucking fighting for my life. it’s already hard that i am usually one of two people in #any given room still wearing a mask let alone an n95 mask. hard and bad enough that we get looks for wearing masks and people think im crazy #for my life still being on hold and for my family still basically never going anywhere. ITS FUCKING WORSE that we are still very much in the #throes of all of it and we are in constant physical and quite frankly EXISTENTIAL danger not only of getting sick / becoming (more) #disabled / literally fucking dying but also returning to the absolute hell of lockdown which while important was psychologically damaging in #ways that are difficult to even articulate. like not only have we as a society decided to not give a shit about unpacking all of that and #healing from the trauma and assuming everyone went through the same thing when we very much did not and to just send everybody back to #school and work because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 but we have ALSO decided to pretend like the freakish unceasing danger just doesn’t exist #anymore and to get rid of every tool we had available to keep us safe or at minimum make people have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to #access them because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 !!!!!!! im TIRED. im so fucking tired of it. i am so fucking exhausted and angry and scared. and i #HAVE the luxury and privilege of being able to afford n95 masks and covid tests and to be able to work a job that i can do remotely if i #need to and to not be disabled or immunocompromised. what makes me fucking furious is we decided to throw all the people who don’t have #that access or privilege under the fucking bus and forget about them lol. but what do you expect from a country rotten to its core the way #it is lol. im fucking despondent. why are we living in an incinerator. #* the lockdown(s) werent just important they were necessary. and arguably we should have another one even though if we do i genuinely fear #for my mental health both during and afterwards and quite frankly before. im tired. i am grateful for the life i live which has resulted in #part from the different things that have happened because of the pandemic but i also so desperately wish this never happened and every day I #think about what life would be like if it hadn’t happened. the grief of it all is unspeakably big.

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so. #literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

[simptasia]

mum and i were almost not able to buy our house because a real estate lawyer heard us casually say i'm autistic and alarm bells went off in her head, because she believed that meant i wasn't mentally capable of understanding what i was signing up for

#and she demanded a doctors note. which not how any of this works #theres no policy that works like that AND gps are not the people who are like #''yup this person sure is a person alright'' #she just had heaps of prejudice and she let it affect her job #so a lady from one of those places that advocates for ND and disabled people tore her apart #she lost the 4000 dollars she was gonna be paid. and she got fired #and everybody else from that company that we spoke to was either appalled or pretending to be appalled about this #either way it worked out #i was so upset at the time because it was literally a week before it was time to move??? #and i was so afraid of us losing all our progress #plus. yeah i was hurt by the insinuations and the attempted disrespect to my agency #also even if i was cognitively disabled... i think cognitively disabled people deserve to own houses too #i was a fucking adult and i managed to get to every gosh forsaken appointment to sign forms #and then do it all again because what i was signing didn't match what was on my birth certificate! #...not my fault - turns out the nurse wrote my fucking name wrong #anyways. i was exhausted but i did it damn it. so that bitch trying to rob us of our home??? fuck her #6 years later and the house is now 100% mine instead of 50% #and im gonna assume that bitch never got a job in real estate again #she was totally cool with me until she heard the word ''autistic'' #and clearly pictured somebody... how do i put this... somebody with vacant eyes who smacks the side of their head when they're upset #not a bad thing by the way! hell i've been that flavour of autistic plenty of times. we contain multitudes!!!! #don't mean we don't deserve to own property. we live in a society!!! let us be a part of it #but yeah that was the most serious case of me being dehumanized due to what i am

[hipstersoulgushers]

tfw I have little interest or enjoyment out of activities I normally enjoy. What is this shit?

#I hate depression #all my homies hate depression #its so fucking hard to do anything even though I know I am literally being a normal amount of productive #like no one cares that you feel like shit if you're still keeping up with everything but my head feels like its going to explode! #I can't draw what I want to and I can't do anything to distract myself bc its all just exhausting instead of nice #auyyyyghjh #jas glubs #im ok and will be ok I'm just frustrated

[polaraffect]

current state of politics really got me swerving wildly between "yes I want to present as a man" and "oh god is this even worth it maybe I'm not even really trans" and it's bringing me to my limit

#damien.txt #sorry its like 5 am and i havent slept and wanna vent so. here inam #i really do be having a wild time bc ill have like. weeks at a time where ill be like. wait a second. what if im not trans actually #okay well. never in a 'im 100% not trans' way but in a 'maybe i shouldnt transition' way #and then ill have a day where i wake up and go. oh. i think that feeling is just coming from fear about. the current state of trans issues #because oh my FUCKING GOD am i scared like 24/7 bc of that shit #and so like. then im like. maybe i really am like. actually transmasc. fr. bc i like. literally have been feeling it my whole life. #and then i wake up a couple weeks later back at the beginning like hmm....... but..... what if.... #and im so tired of not knowing!! it's fucking exhausting questioning what the fuck is happening w me every 2 seconds #and im being dramatic abt it but idk. i think its a symptom of neurodivergence or something bc im like. so so scared abt being trans atm #at a level that is. certainly unhealthy. #and it really feels like something that is inhibiting me from doing things in life which is like. upsetting y'know! #but at the same time. the concept of going thru life as my birth gender is... bad. sort of inconceivable at this point. #and this is particularly hard bc like. really going back and forth on making decisions abt taking T. bc when i get in these spirals #abt maybe not being trans. i get the urge to not take it. but like. i cant fluctuate w a medicine like that that much! #but at the same time when i go back to being like oh yeah transmasc... my brain is like cool. take T again. so. fuck me i guess. #idk man. im just like. i just want to live my life without being perceived by others actually #my true gender is no one's business <3 thanks #i am. tired.

[arcaneyouth]

whats the nicest way i can explain the concept of rationing to my family without calling them stupid cunts and whores and reminding them about that one time i was literally starving because of them

#they ate all the fucking cookies from my aunts which you would think is not a big deal but ohoho! #i have literally said out loud to them many times this week that they never leave food for me and its exhausting #i thought they got the message #and what do i find going downstairs excited to eat the special treat my aunts give us once a year? #nothing. #they didnt even leave the shitty ass baby candy canes for me. #i had 1 cookie. out of 15. in a house with 6 people in it. #because they cant give enough of a shit about me to remember i exist #***after i explained this to them MULTIPLE. MULTIPLE TIMES THIS WEEK*** #BECAUSE IT WAS THANKSGIVING AND THEY NEVER LEAVE LEFTOVERS AND I WAS AFRAID #AFRAID BECAUSE THAT COULD BE SOME MEALS FOR A WEEK OR TWO AND MY RATIONS WOULD LAST LONGER #AFRAID THAT THEY WOULD EAT EVERYTHING AND I WOULD STARVE AGAIN #the only reason the Thanksgiving food isnt gone is because im the only one with the patience to crack open crab legs with a butter knife #like . do they not fucking understand the reason i own a minifridge is because i am so terrified of running out of food #so i need a place to hide it away before they can take it from me #they clearly fucking don't. #i know its just some cookies i know i know i know but oh my God they're going to kill me some day #just like they nearly did a year ago #and the worst part is its not actively malicious. #they just dont care to remember i exist. #vent post #negative #anyways advice on how to confront them without stabbing them to death would be awesome

[soldier-poet-king]

Literally beating back my brain with a stick. Why are you LIKE THIS. We resolved - or at least came to an uneasy tentative truce with - the absolute dogshit self esteem issues eons ago. Why are were BACK here fighting the having zero concept of personhood or self worth problems. Even /if/ my brain is right and I'm garbage bad non-person whos a burden and just manipulating ppl into caring abt me. Like even IF that's true. I can't self sacrifice and do Good when I'm obsessively navel gazing. Even if the fundamental belief at the core of my being is that I'm worthless, I gotta stop ACTIVELY thinking abt it BC I need to be DOING things and dragging myself thru hot coals for others, not just obsessing about how bad I am that I can't even do that. If I can't even do that what am I good for? What's the purpose of me at all?

AHHHHHHHHH

#franposting #this is moody whiny complaining sorry friends #i will be ok #i just need. to not think #hollow out myself until theres nothing left but duty and obligation to the good #until all the selfishness and solipsism and preoccupation with my own worthlessness is gone #until i stop wanting basic human things like comfort and goodness. thats not for me to want. its for me to provide outwards #i am forgetting to do good #and sure maybe positive self belief would be better. but im honestly unsure im capable of that. or even neutral #i just need to transformthe self disgust into action #stop moping start doing #its hard when im beyond exhausted every waking minute #but i have to try. have to learn to function with headaches and bone deep tiredness #i cannot live with my selfish comfort anymore #<i literally know being bored at work isnt helping #idle mind and no feeling of accomplishment #but what else am i to do. i have done. so much busywork #i have stretched out every task. I'm just . so bored #i need to be productive and useful to be good

[buckys-metal-arm]

Look man I'm not a fan of Peggy in What If either but the ferocity some of y'all hate her with feels feels really excessive

and before anyone goes "tHen DoN't lOoK aT iT" it's not like I go fuckin looking for it the Bucky tag and the What If tag have been clogged with it recently in light of the show and i am. So tired.

#not tagging this in any main tags because i dont feel like getting eaten alive tonight #but jfc some of y'all are exhausting #like who you like hate who you hate i literally do not care #but for fucks sake im so tired of every marvel tag i go in being a Peggy hate train #and look im not a Peggy apologist and i really hate her character in What If im not trying to defend her #or say you shouldn't have conversations about parts of media that make you angry. lord knows i have on here. #but what i AM saying is some of you are being dramatic as fuck and im so tired of it being in every Marvel space on this god forsaken sight #like. i detest this phrase but please for the live of god some of you need to log off sometimes #and before anyone tells me to blacklist tags. what do you think im doing. it doesnt work man theyre putting in tags #i frequent!! and not in the ones i blocked!! im so tired!!

[countess-of-edessa]

baked a cake from scratch, fed the dogs and the father, cleaned the kitchen, wrapped christmas presents. wearing a beige sweaterdress and black ballet flats, hair in bun. reading a profile on hilaria baldwin…the cottagecore tradwife in me is winning i fear

#im being sarcastic but honestly though i keep having the creeping and uncharitable thought of like. i don’t think this is quite as hard as #my mother has always made it seem. and my father is literally zero help and she works really hard but also there was always the not-always- #unspoken implication that the reason the house was always kind of messy and disorganized and everything was kind of chaotic and accompanied #by a distinct sense of overwhelm was because of my sister and I #either our stuff or our actions or the fact that taking care of us took up too much time she could devote to other stuff #but neither my sister nor i live at home full time anymore and when we do at least i am objectively more helpful than anything else #so im like okay well that wasn’t it then #and like i also get that everyone thinks they could do better until THEY get married and have kids and then you see #but the backlash against the pressure for everything to be picture perfect has turned into (imo) a general “relatable” idea that #adulthood and especially marriage and parenthood is nothing but a slide into complacency and chaos forever and like. i just don’t agree wit #that. obviously you cannot live as you did as a single person or a non parent but the prevailing image of parenthood i see advertised as #“realistic” is one where everyone is constantly exhausted unhappy and living in filth #i See a question from a woman asking how to SURVIVE nine whole days of winter break with her children. SURVIVE? wtf? #i do think parents of today spend too much time with their children and that’s part of the issue but also like. i cannot believe that #everything is as thoroughly and completely awful as it is pretty much always portrayed nowadays #and how i see it reflected at me. and this isn’t like a housewives don’t work aaaa thing because no. #but like. when i see people being like you can’t expect your sahm to get the laundry done OR dinner made OR the house clean on a consistent #basis EVER i am kind of like…..but literally what are you doing then if none of those things?? #cause unless you homeschool or have literal infants (whole different ballgame) then like…what are you doing #maybe an unpopular opinion but I think a lot of women are bad at being housewives. because it is a skill that women used to study and learn #and now it’s not but it’s still the most important job in society #so we took away all the instruction manuals for the backbone of society and now who comes the closest to approximating an educational resou #? influencers. which is horrible because any person you are taking advice from on Instagram is someone with a public Instagram account #which automatically makes them odd and untrustworthy and not someone at least I would want to emulate. #my mother doesn’t apply to this she is a great homemaker her issues are (1) time management (2) fatigue (3) starts too many projects #but i digress #i suppose i shouldn’t say that I reject the idea children turn your life to chaos because I don’t. but I do reject the idea that #the chaos of parenthood sentences everyone to a perpetual state of overwhelm and reactivity #that simply has never been the case for people in any time period before now even when raising children and the daily business of living wa #far more labor intensive