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#im. so exhausted i cant even make food
silenthillbunni · 2 days
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🍽️😔🎻
#soo blah blah need to vent again abt my health issue situation 💀#yuh so like im so sick nd tired of whats going on. nd not being able to just eat whatever i feel like whenever#it's emotionall draining tbh. im always thinking abt what i could maybe try nd im always like ohh gotta make sure the portion is small etc#it's annoying me sm bc i can def feel the effects of me not getting the right nd enough nutrients nd vitamins etc etc#i get dizzy nd my vision is hazy sometimes. nd im like forgetful bc the other the when i walked home i kept getting lost nd had to walk back#nd forth several times nd i was like ?!?!? what?! i've lived here for 25yrs nd now i just cannot for the life of me rmbr the way#also i am so weak in my body. like carrying even a small amound or books nd groceries nd walking for 30min makes me exhausted#my legs are actually shaking when i get back home nd every step feels like im walking in cement#plus i just wanna be able to go to the gym nd build muscle. but if i dont get enough protein in me i cant build muscles T-T#what else... yeah also i do miss food bc of comfort. like my coffee + chcolate everyday makes me genuinely happy lmao#but i just want the food situation to be normal bc even w veggies im like oh no that is too gas building that is too hard to digest etc etc#it's mentally gruelling to not know how tf to get all the important nutrients!! i def have several deficiences lmao :((#im so over it. but theres nothing i can do. i wish i could just not think abt it 24/7 tho#also. im the thinnest i've ever been BUT. i am constantly bloated so i look fkn pregnant. so i cant even enjoy looking the skinnier
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hyah-lian · 2 months
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So body numbing tired hhhhhhhhhh gotta go out and do things tho
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pleckthaniel · 1 year
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I love how my mom makes Growing Up Poor a huge part of her identity and talks about it constantly and also I, her child who she constantly brags about being smart and accomplished, am less than 6 months away from earning an Actual Degree in sociology and have taken half a dozen classes on American socioeconomic strata and yet despite all this I still cannot convince her that people my age aren’t being poor on purpose
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newtness532 · 4 months
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i said if i go this way it will probably be 20seconds quicker and then i got lost and walked 18 minutes more
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pandanscafanfiction · 8 months
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🙃
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cutearose · 1 year
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okay but how do you ask for help when your childhood makes you feel guilty for needing help and the help that you need feels rude to ask for
#im really struggling to function rn and i finally accepted that i wont make it to my appt without help#so i posted on my snap story asking if anyone could come over for a few hours to help me get back on track#n. two people replied saying they cant but hope i find someone but no one else has replied at all#i knew the answer would probably be no bc no one has time to come all the way here to help me to do tasks i should be able to do alone#but idk i thought i might get some comfort or encouragement or something. just some acknowledgement#i wish i had a group chat or something where i could reach out to people. bc things like snap stories people are just flicking past#i NEED to change the kitty litter today i have no choice its unusable and needs changing but i just. how. i am so tired#i have a ridiculous amount of glasses n crockery specifically for when i struggle like this n yet im still almost completely out of them#bc i just. cant do the dishes. i dont even have to wash them they just need to go in the dishwasher n i Cant#my brain just completely shut down once i got back from the trip#especially bc i got a cold n i dont cope well being sick at all#but of course thats another reason i feel bad asking for help. bc my house is full of germs. n i dont want people to get sick bc of me#but i am running out of food and clean dishes and bench space and i just. cant do it alone rn#but i used up my asking capabilities posting on snap#posting on insta would prob get more people to see it but insta feels. much more public#i dont use my insta stories like ever so it feels like a Lot to post on it for this#n when i asked for support after my parents divorce i only got a couple responses anyway#n this is. not worth support. like its a problem of my own making? i went on the trip knowing it would be a Lot for me#i wasnt planning on getting sick And getting an infection which are both exhausting me a lot but thats not the point#idk im just beating myself up over here. idk how to ask for help esp bc i expect the answer to be no anyway#like who is gonna travel an hour+ to help their friend clean their kitchen and fill out paperwork. im 28 i should be able to do that stuff#these tags are getting very maudlin and mean to myself. sigh. i wish i didnt feel so guilty when i need help#i wish i felt like i was allowed to ask for and accept help#love that childhood and autistic trauma haha lmao#anyway. brains are annoying. and im struggling a lot.
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dot823 · 1 year
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im going through hell right now
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sludgeguzzler · 11 months
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gotta love discussing your career with your father
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gausses · 11 months
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you wont believe the year i've had so far. i even forgot abt eurovision.
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splatoonmaster69 · 2 years
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#vent tw#on one hand i dont think ill live past highschool#like im not sure ill attempt again but idk#on the other i dont wanna br another statistic#but st the same time im not spiteful enough to stay alive just cuz i dont wanna be a percent#and like theres really no reason for me to live like#im horrible at school so university is gonna end up out of the question whether i like it or not#which means ill need to get a job cuz dad says when we graduate we either go into further education or start paying rent#but knowing me ill end up yelling st my boss or something so ill just get fired#and really like its not like i have anything to contribute to the world other than being the shittiest cashier ever#im bad at like everything i do#and even the things im 'good' at like drawing i can only do every few months#the most drawings i got out near eachother were all simple chibis and they were exhausting#i can cook but i cant control the stove temperature or anything well so when i make food its a coinflip if its over or under cooked#im decent at gaming but not good enough to win tournaments and not funny enough for youtube or twitch#theres nothing i can do well enough and consistent enough for me to do anything at all with my life#even if there was the world is burning half the worlds countries are going to shit and im too cowardly and lazy to try and do shit about it#so really what am i even doing#wasting my dads money and energy? being a burden on the education system because you cant teach someone who wont learn?#distracting everyone around me from things that could actually be important?#theyd all be better off if i never existed#and yknow the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago the second best time is today#sure theyre attached to me now but theyll get over it. every day where im not dead is just ruining things for other people#man. first day unmedicated again and im already like this lmao#i wish i was back on the blood pressure ones not because they actually fixed me but because then id be too tired to think again#i could just wake up dizzily get out of bed fall walk downstairs and fall asleep on the couch before my legs got too tired#sure it felt horrible at the time like i couldnt do anything but stleast i had a reason for not being able to do anything#and theres something comforting about popping four pills in ur mouth knowing theyre the thing making you feel so bad every day#plus if id stayed on them i wouldntve had to go thru the withdrawal and that sucked
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hearties-circus · 2 years
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I swear if my family doesn't get groceries in soon
#gamer txt.#ive already been goin through the punishment phantom hunger if theres actually little to no snacks and just fucking bread ill cry#yknow cause its the anniversary n all and its nearly easter ive been thinking about what that easter was like#and ive remembered how my mum reacted to the way i ate my easter eggs#(very quickly. not too fast so i didnt get sick and so i had could still have some for the next few days but very fast)#and she just started going off on me for 'unnecessarily' eating so much when even i recognised it made me feel sick#and yknow that could mean one of two things#1. she genuinely didnt realise that starving me would lead to agonising hunger that i understandably wanted to stop#or 2. shes crueler than i once thought#and to be completely honest i cant really tell which is more likely#i just i just i dont understand why she thought that was ok to do#the punishments impacted more than just my eating habits too#i dont like having to spend prolonged periods of time in the living room with my family bc it feels like when i was forced to stay there#i mean i didn't like that to begin with that whole situation just made it alot worse#i cant bear to do any outside physical labour for my family either and i know i know it wont exhaust me like it did back then#i know it wont make me nearly collapse but i cant. it feels far too risky#ive gotten better with people coming into the kitchen when im in there but i still need to check who it is or ill panic#getting food still feels a bit like stealing to be honest i cant let people see me with food i cant let them know i have it#it just. did alot ill say that#made the whole 'eating is a normal and essential thing for people to do' alot more difficult than it needed to be#i guess I'm just a little upset right now#i mean thats much better than i could (and have been known to) be fairing i suppose#food m
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silenthillbunni · 5 months
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*o*
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today was such a good morning u know. i had slept. GOOD NIGHT SLEEP N ALL. i even got up and got breakfast for me n my mom. I ATE. I CLEANED THE DISHES I USED. i even changed out of the shirt i was wearing for over a week! very productive. wait omg i forgot to mention. I ACTUALLY REALLY HAD PUT MOMS CLOTHS THAT WERE DONE IN THE WASHING MACHINE IN THE DRYER. I have to say. forgetting everything else, this is such a phenomenal act for me. it’s like fcking idk a meodorite fallen down. ITS A REALLY BIG THING. doing that is soooo hard for me. and i always have an immediate ‘no’ body reaction to the whole act but i didnt just fall into it. i like. toook a moment, you know and actually accessed it. and ! literally tho if mom told me i had to put some clothes in the dryer that would have been too much for me
BUT
anyways. i literally fcking did it. fcking hells
ANYWAYS it really was such a good morning day you know. baby steps!!!! and yeah u know i really do know that i dont do enough as i should etc. i really do know. its just really frustating how my mom doesnt see anything of this tho. yeah she needed someone to go n get the glasses and im really sorry for her but going outside was literally too much of a hurdle for me to just do. especially on short notice. like. really. my mind cant even think of trying it. visualling it
#mostly really im sad its so tiring n exhausting every time my mom lectures me on how much im not doing as if i dont know that i really do#i cant even say anything to her or try to explain what it’s like#because she really believes i just need to have the mentality. i just need to try#she never fails in these never ending lectures to word out EVERYTHNG like literally. its so fcking exhausting#and she wonders why i get sooo silent why im sooo uncooperative and translates that into im a lazy ass n dont care#n u know what. frankly dont care that she does#honestly every time i hear these lectures it makes me NOT want to try at all. even harder. goddamn it#its kinda crazy with me and my mom because we are SO diff and she doesnt understand me one bit at all#like she despite chronic pain etc does so much#while she sees me barely doing shit and of course thinks im lazy/dont care#and most baffling thing: IM making myself depressed??? this thing that she says really infuriates me so bad#like why the fck r u on about. what the fck do u mean making self depressed. im so mad because shes wrong on so many levels#idk if im depressed. mild? yes i think so anyways what the fck#the fact she believes that people MAKE THEMSLEVES DEPRESSED AS IF THEY WANT TO is so ma#like shut up im not eating for an entire day because i want to do that its cuz i cant eat foods my brain decides it doesnt want to#and i cant cook for shit cooking requires so much time to procress it first and the actual cooking requires so much energy and there are#steps i dont even know.#like fck u#anyways. yeah. really i get where shes coming from but every fcking time she starts on those lectures i really really dont want to do a fck#ng thing NOT AT ALL#like honestly. a part of me dies every time i hear a lecture and have to sufffer thro it cuz i fcking cant get her to shut up and yeah i ge#her frustating very valid#but fcking hells. im so tired n done at this point#like might as well be a fcking lazy shitass as she says
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carrotpiss · 4 months
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This is a bunch of sad lost and confused and frustrated and lonely sludge, advise not reading
#im just so completely miserable and exhausted and just angry with everything#gic has gone silent. im getting so stressed about the ethics of my top surgery fund because i dont know if its something i should be still#doing how long until they talk to me again if they do will the waitlists even be livable is it ethical is it worth it does anyone even have#the money to spare anyway to help before the endless nhs waitlist#why am i being left in the dark#im terrified that i dont know when my pap smear will be and that i have to go under anesthetic for it because i fucked up my own body by#being a pathetic cowardly idiot who is to stupid to exist like im supposed to so now im worth nothing and i cant navigate dating bc of it#bc it just makes me shut down immediately when i realise its something i do have to disclose because im shitty and broken and worthless#and i dont know whats happening and i dont want the smear anymore and the nhs sent me a terrifying letter saying im not a real person and i#predictabley got to scared to reply to so now i may have fucked up literally everything which is my fault but also why does the ngs not just#have a system that works and isnt briken just because im trans#and i jsut want to die i cant die but im jsut scared and i want to hide forver#i dont know whats happening with my job am i still getting paid will i get the November cost of living backpay will i get my pension refund#i jjst feel lost and pathetic and desperately clawing out for any vague threads of interest for sex and dating even though im as previously#mentioned in these tags not fit for that and should just die forever in box alone and aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhj#I just want a hug for the next millennia#instead im kust fighting off thoughts about starving myself as punishment because i dont deserve to eat jm not worth the expense of my own#paycheck to buy food for not that it matters because im sick and getting sicker amyway and of course one of my moles is looking insanely#dodgey and ive had to book a doctor's appointment for it but its so tempting to kust ignofe it surely itd be better if it was cancer and#then j could just die amd people wouldnt blame me for being pathetic or whatever removing myself but sad and tragic for dying from something#scary or whatever the fuck im fully aware thats a fucked up thibg to be thinking im just a bit at amessy ends atm and j dont even have a#hot chubby dude or not dude to pretend is ever going yo be interested in me or whatever and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#dw to anyone reading this in the event someone is i wont remove myself im a huge coward and too lazy to do that#crouch speaks#and its only November! we still got winter to come!!!!! my favourite (sarcastic) time of the year that doesnt absolutely fuck with my head
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ouchhq · 5 months
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venting :-) sorry
#sh tw !!#i am so tired of my mother#last time i saw my therapist i talked about how she drives me insane but still i feel so guilty for getting mad at her because i know she#has issues and literally can not reason but i get so frustrated and exhausted#she took like 9 days off of work to ‘take care of me’ (her words) after my surgery and i didnt ask her to do one thing all these days excep#help me make food and come up with stuff for me to eat bc of my diet rn and thats all#she has been doing her thing all these days like literally just sleeping on the couch and going out with her friends and going shopping and#only made me food herself once (1) in over a week#and i didnt say anything bc i know i cant say anything to her if i dont want to get her to start screaming but today i couldnt take it#i was painting all morning because i am extremely stressed and anxious to make a fucking portfolio to find some work and idk what they thin#i do in my room all day probably sleep but i dont !! im up until 1:30 am working every day even now despite having just had my jaw cut into#pieces and stitched back together#and she went out to the post office for me for a second and then spent the rest of the morning shopping and came back at 12 and had the#audacity to get mad because i hadnt made any food for myself or for anyone else yet#when i literally called her just minutes before to ask her instructions on how to prepare a certain soup for myself and she told me to wait#because she was gonna do it instead#like ???????#and when i told her i had been busy working all morning and that the whole point of her being home from work was that she said she was gonn#make stuff for me she started screaming like an insane person that i was accusing her and it wasnt fair and i was mean and rude and that sh#does EVERYTHING for me and im ungrateful#and when i say my stomach sinks to the floor every time i hear her yelling#it is ingrained into my brain#i have nightmares about her tantrums and her yelling#im so tired#and it always ends with me getting the urge to hurt myself and i want to cry but i cant because my face hurts when i cry and i am not#allowed to blow my nose bc of my surgery so im just here. swallowing all of this once again
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southernvampire · 7 months
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#i had a really good energy day. i was awake at 8 in the morning and hung out with my mother in law from 10 to 4#we went shopping and got food and it was a really good day#but it wasnt enough. the moment i got home i realized how tired my body was and i took two naps#i woke up from my last nap over an hour ago and i still feel like im in a twilight state of consciousness#im so tired but my dream was ao vivid and real despite being nonsensical that it freaked me out and i dont want to go back to sleep#but im also so emotionally fragile and cant watch videos without something making me want to cry#im supposed to go on my honeymoon in two weeks to disney world. objectively not a good place to go with low energy and weak muscles#but i wanted to go back so bad and didnt want to keep putting it off since i might be like this forever#yet the idea of me getting this exhausted each day is making me wonder if im wasting our money and that we wont have fun bc of me#like this was the best day energy wise ive had in almost a year and i feel this awful now. how am i supposed to last a week at disney?#we've been spending 3 years waiting to have money and time for our honeymoon#ugh. im not ok. i just want a new body so i wont feel like im dying every other day#im just hoping that we chose a good time to go to avoid crowds as much as possible to reduce the chance of getting covid#bc i cant just keep waiting for covid to be gone to do things. i can mask but i cant stay home almost all the time anymore or else i will go#insane#i want to just live life and not constantly worry about getting covid from going to a store but i also dont know whats wrong with me#and wont see my specialist until december so i dont want to get really sick and mess up my health even more#i havent gotten covid yet though so hopefully that will continue. triple vaxed and it seems to be working for me#i'll still be careful though but i hope i have the energy to have fun bc these past 3 years have been trying to kill me with trauma
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