One taught me love
One taught me patience
One taught me paaaaaaiiiinnnn
Amy: You shouldn’t be using straws
Jake: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Amy: No. That’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti…
Amy: Here’s my latest case report.
Gina: Is this laminated?
Amy: Yes! I’ve got my own machine, no big deal. I did splurge for the newest model. I’ll stop bragging. Oh yeah, I’m a card carrying member of the Lami-Nation. We even have our own constitution. Which we can’t ammend. Since it’s laminated.
Gina: I’m so sorry I asked.
Jake: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Terry: Considering the fact that you’re probably thinking about Amy’s butt, no.
Charles: Hey, where’s Amy?
Jake: It’s the weekend, she’s relaxing.
*Cut to Amy talking to an employee at the store*
Amy: Just a pitch, wouldn’t it be easier to find these stackables if they were in the shelving section? I know what you’re thinking, ‘Is this woman questioning the organization of a store whose sole purpose is to help people organize?’
Jake: eating healthy is very important!
Amy: you had a twinkie for breakfast
amy: what kind of fool would want to be cleopatra over eleanor roosevelt?
Brooklyn Nine Nine
Terry: I can’t keep doing this. I’m not your mom!
Rosa: you do exhibit rather motherly behaviour, Serge
Jake: yeah, and, I mean, my parents kinda suck, and Rosa’s aren’t speaking to her.
Rosa: They still haven’t accepted that I’m bi.
Jake: So you’re like our mom. Team mom. Team mom, team mom, team mom!
Terry: I’m not the team mom!
Everyone: Team mom! Team mom! Team mom!
Terry: Captain Holt, why are you chanting?!
Holt: It is a catchy chant.
Boyle: Team mo-
Terry: one more chant and no slushies after training!
Jake to M.E: In your professional opinion, how do I die?
M.E: Murder… gangland style execution, we never find your head
Jake: It’s a shame
Boyle lifts his hand to ask
M.E: You slip in the tub
Jake: Shoutout to my haters, you‘re not invited to my minecraft treehouse
Jem *talking to Church*: and now boy, it’s time to make daddy proud.
Will: yes sir.
Jem: I could not have been more clearly talking to the cat.
Amy: Hey, babe, could you help me out? I’m fundraising for a new classroom in the preschool down the road and I was wondering if you wanted to buy something.
Jake: Aw, Ames, I’m not sure… I don’t have a lot of money right now…
Amy: It’s tubs of cookie dough.
Jake: I’ll take four.