#it’s not my fault I don’t feel confortable or the desire to have with other people | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pruebopruebapruebe · 4 years

Text

Found this in my drafts. Date unknown but maybe August 2019.

It's a letter (????) to my future sexual partners. Why sharing it? It may help me or someone else in the future. When I found about autism I thought "what is something I can not fake" so I searched for autistic afab and sex/orgasms. Thanks to that I get convinced. So, it may be useful.

This is in no way a guide of autism and sexuality. It's just about my sexuality at the time and I happen to be autistic and think that it has an effect in the way I experienced sexual relations. I'm not changing the format. I'm adding a read more so do interact with the post if you want. I haven't fixed grammar nor typos, I'm sorry for that.

20/V/2020

I have things to confess to my future partners, things I have never said because I was ashamed. I still am. But i have to say it.

So here we go.

For my future partner:

I like sexuality… The idea. The concept. The emotions involved. The pleasure. But i can’t really enjoy it. I can’t really enjoy the act of sex. Not freely. Not like normal people do.

So I’ll give you the option to look for sex outside our relationship, or the option of an open relationship when it comes to sex. It’s not that i don’t love you, nor that I want other experiences (that’s a lie, don’t believe me if I say that, it was the excuse to keep the secret). It’s because I’ll end up resenting you. I don’t want to keep having sex because i feel It’s what i have to do. That will transform love making in a choir and I’ll be thinking when and how is going to happen to end it quickly, so you will not leave me.

But, to be honest, i want to share sex with you. I want to believe I can do it. I want to believe I don’t need to be high or drunk to let myself enjoy it. It’s complicated and embarrassing and I don’t know where to start to explain it. But I’ll try.

>I can’t talk during sex. At best, I’ll avoid it, because it’s distracting. It’s an effort. At worst I won’t talk because i just can’t. I didn’t know why until very recently. So, if things are going bad, if I’m not enjoying myself, if I’m not feeling you, if I’m not having a good time, if it’s unpleasant, I won’t tell you because i can not articulate the words. And if I do, assume it’s taking me a lot of mental effort and strength. I’ll probably look at you blankly, do faces or start crying before talking. It’s not your fault. It’s not that I am mad (yet). It’s just the way it is.

>I need your voice. I need your sounds. If you are silent, if you don’t talk to me, you are making me suffer. You are making me feel like a piece of meat. I need to know what do you think about the sensations, about us, about me. About my body. About the things I’m doing to you. The things you are doing to me. What we have done, what we are doing and what will we do. I don’t care about the language you use, or if you don’t make much sense.

>If I’m asking you something it’s because i can’t ask you to talk to me, so the next “best” thing to do is to make you talk to me by doing those questions (”how does it feel?”, “Do you like it?”). Even if they come as casual, I’m doing a GREAT effort to make them. Don’t ignore me. Don’t answer with one word and then go back to silence. It fucking breaks my bloody heart.

>If I start crying, don’t panic! Don’t stop. I’m not hurt (just in the feelings). Take care of me, I’m desperate because i can’t tell you to do so.

>I may cry too because i feel like I'm going to die. The sensations are overwhelming and I feel like I can die from what my body is feeling, this strong sensation inside out, like a unreachable heat about to explode [and break your body, image, face, dignity for a moment, letting you vulnerable, exposed, ugly].

>I may or may not need to practice my breath during intercourse. I would love to extend on this item but it's embarrassing.

>Don’t squeeze the squeezable soft zones. Sorry not sorry [try with a gentle grip]. However, you can squeeze the hard zones, and you may touch the soft zones veryveryvery slightly. [Maybe you can wear gloves? I know is stupid and weird, I just thought that would be nice]. I LOVE TOUCH.

>No but really I starve touch during sex, I like a strong, dominant grip, makes me feel desired. And/or a constant caring touch in all my skin and body: limbs, neck, back, belly, face, hips (omg hips), etc, helps me relax and stay in the mood.

>I think I like to have pressure over me. I would like to try it.

>I zoom out a lot. That’s why I’m so awkward about the place… I get distracted very easily. If I can hear people, there is no chance for me to get confortable. If there is too much decoration, it will distract me. I have to be brutally honest here and confess that I have always wanted to be blindfolded during sex, but was to ashamed to say it. I am very self-conscious and having sight of my surroundings, your body and my body makes me think and zoom out and then feel guilty about it. I can’t just keep my eyes closed all the time consciously.

>Also, I don’t know if music helps me or not. It certainly can help if you don’t have a problem with me moving at it’s rhythm (another thing I feel ashamed for), but the lyrics must not be that good or i’ll get distracted. The television must be off.

>Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands. I confess that I have also wanted to be tied, so my hands would know where to be.

>Take the lead, I love it! And I appreciate someone in control who will give me the rules and decide the steps of the intercourse. Give me explicit permission or orders about what to do or what is ok to do, or what is ok to do "in this moment" (including orgasm) or what is ok not to do (including the possibility to stop).

>I would like to have a safe word, because most of the times I ask to stop is because I am at my edge and it's too much to lose control. So I would like to have a separate word to tell my partner I really want to stop, so they don't confuses it with the "it's feels so good I think I'll die keep doing it untill you break my resistance" stop.

>I care a lot about... Clean bodies. I know I shouldn't. I need my partner to tell me they don't feel disgusted by my body. By my body hair, and fat, and colours and smells. And bad angles. And genitals and other body parts all over me. You can told me what you like (it doesn't matter if you say the same thing multiple times). You can also go to the other extreme and tell me something nasty about my body as long as you can handle it and make it clear that you don't mean it/care about it so I'll know you know I'm ugly but still desire me. It's not an easy game, but having this kind of things stated at the moment (every moment/every time a moment repeats itself) helps me [or at least i think it does].

>I have no problem giving you oral sex, but I don't like to receive oral sex. Idk if I haven't met someone skilled at it or what, but I. Don't. Like. It.*

>I don't like fingers inside my vagina. Just don't.*

[*Unless you are very skilled or I am in the mood to give it a try OR I'm very drunk].

>Yeah I like drunk sex, it helps me enjoy it. Maybe we didn't pact it before, but it can happen, in fact, being drunk or high are the best ways for me to have casual sex. Just... No te pongas babosx.

>I don't like kisses. I'm sorry, that's very personal and intimate for me. Piquitos seh, pero con lengua no por favor, me da asco [sólo en circunstancias específicas lo permitiría].

>I don't like the conventional routine walk/cinema/fun - food - sex nor [the better option] food - walk - sex. Please! How do you expect me to make exercise after eating? How do you expect me to feel confortable with my organs being twitched and pressed with food inside of them?? The digestive system goes all over the way, sir. I prepared for this date but this was hours ago, I don't feel comfortable with my nasty body anymore. No. I like the opposite. Sex, then food and then the fun/walk/actualdate.

>I "wet" myself if I reach orgasm and that always stops me from it, or cut it at it’s begining because of the shame. It's just me squirting, but it smells a little like pee and that's a big deal for me. Yes, I go to the bathroom always before intercourse.

>Ice, please.

>I am very verbal. I moan until my mouth is dry and even say some things like yes, like that, it feels good, etc... in spanish usually but I would totally moan in english if I weren’t so self-conscious.

>Don’t expect me to accept as “normal” that I have to do things you don’t have to. We can agree certain things are most confortable for you, but don’t expect me to enjoy anal sex if you can not think of yourself as someone who can "be used" in that way just because “well I’m a man”.

EDIT: 19 XII 2020. For some time I have been wanting to change some thing from this post, but at the end, it’s more useful for me if it stays this way and I write something new that resembles better how I feel about this topic. Explain it better. Change some parts that now I think didn’t convey the idea clearly.

#Texto #Autism

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