#its 2am and i cant see properly | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bl3ss3dbyt1amat · 3 months

Text

misc bg3 companion hc

this is so much. i have no idea and im also sorry. all of the origin companions included under the cut

astarion:

i feel like he claps funny. like hes clapping but its that specific way thats meant to be like quieter? like clapping on the palm of his hand. this might be projection but i feel like hes also the type of person to do like a little clap or a spin or his trademark ridiculous giggle whenever hes happy.

i think that hes prone to dramatics like. like pretending to fall on the floor and die if you say hes actually not on your mind 24/7. oh whats that? you dont think im the prettiest princess in the entire world? well astarion has dramatically fallen to the floor

in the early game astarion most definitely practiced his lines loudly and publicly (in camp). he cant even see himself in the mirror but hes trying to look all suave and being like "shall i compare thee to a summers night" while lae'zel and shadowheart both shout "NO" from across the camp. (can be interpreted as bloodiedblade/wyllstarion but i think wyll would be amused and even finish the quote).

wyll:

this man is probably good with basic medicines and ill die on this hill. hes got aloe vera type shit on him at all times. sure, hes not a cleric or healer or even a bard, but he'll stay with you and try his damned best to cheer you up when youre hurt or sick.

on a related note i feel like wyll would be absolutely DELIGHTED by a bard tav. he would just be so amused and filled with whimsy. never gonna complain about playing, even if its like 2am. just occasionally putting in song requests. hes so incredibly enthusiastic like spinning tav around like "THAT WAS BRILLIANT!!!"

wyll probably keeps houseplants. (minor blazingblade but i feel like karlach would accidentally kill one of the plants and actually begin weeping. once she gets her engine fixed wyll tries to teach her how to garden. this goes weirdly) furthermore i think he like goes around his house like humming merrily and watering his plants and crap

gale:

i dont think hes coordinated at all. like this man is tripping down the stairs on a daily basis. he is dropping his tea, his book, his body, ect. to the point that hes got a habit of just hugging the railing for dear life every time he has to go down a staircase. this made traversing shit like the underdark actually literally horrible. every time he falls karlach is so overly concerned and probably offers to carry him. astarion, to everyones dismay, dies laughing each and every time

pretty sure wyll and shadowheart have a conversation about weird book porn. i am here to say that gale was holding back his power while that conversation happened. gale has read so much book porn and if you knew the real scale of it you would be concerned. tara is concerned at least.

shadowheart:

especially during early game, i feel like shadowheart was literally clenching so hard to avoid admitting cute things were cute. like "oh.. a stray mutt... charming I MEAN IN LIKE A GROSS WAY". she was trying to hard to be all scary and into shar and shit but she just really likes puppies and other animals and crap

if she were modern i feel like she would really like pixar movies (inside out comes to mind for reasons i cannot explain) and wear long jean skirts. i cant explain any of this but it is fact in my mind. even in the bg3 setting i do feel like she would wear very long boxy type skirts. sort of plays into her whole "dark priestess" sort of vibe

shadowheart was sitting in her tent with scissors fucking losing her shit with anxiety trying to cut her own bangs without a mirror. it is a literal miracle from selune that they dont look like complete and total shit. no wonder halsin was surprised. (minor silverheart/shadow'zel: when she first like actually properly noticed what shaodwheart did with her hair, since the initial joke is she cant tell what changed, i think lae'zel was very impressed. she even likened it to like a sort of war paint against shar. also we KNOW lae'zel likes silver)

(can be interpreted as bladeheart/,,, do wyll and shadowheart have a ship name yet? HM. well anyway i think that in conjunction with the previous headcanon about wyll gardening, he and shadowheart garden together and he specially grew her night orchids)

lae'zel:

ever since i looked at her stupid little mindflayer training dummie in camp ive had the image of her in my head very angrily and intensly carving up a turnip to look like a mindflayer. draws a little mean face on it like the worlds most violent six year old. every time she messes up on her little DIY project shes muttering curses in tir'su.

lae'zel will take any opportunity to infodump about githyanki culture. specifically red dragons. if she met a red dragonborn or even maybe a follower of tiamat or some shit she would be so hype. in her "i hate everyone SVAH" way ofc. but like. trying to casually slide trivia into battle conversation or party banter with all the subtlety of an owlbear. "yes... the battle preparations are proceeding as expected... as expected a red dragons hibernation cycle..." and everyone just has to turn their head and ask what the fuck shes talking abt

(can be thought of as silverweave: lae'zel and gale talk in draconic about dragon history and the celestial plane. hes so tickled to have a mutual interest with lae'zel)

no one hears lae'zel laugh but when they do its so weird. like its some weird like hissing sort of sound and everyone has to do a double take and make sure theyre understanding what the fuck is going on for a second. lae'zel is incredibly defensive when people notice it but theyre not trying to be mean

karlach:

before her engine gets fixed but like early on to where shes not used to it, karlach keeps trying to touch things and keeps breaking them. this fills her with genuine despair and she will start crying (everyone in camp has to go on a group effort to calm her down). she just thinks the world is so beautiful and is so sad she cant interact with it

she likes to dance but in like a boot stompin way. karlach is probably just an absolute party animal when she gets her freedom back because honestly in her situation who wouldnt be. SHE JUST GOT TO NOT BE ON FIRE LET THE GIRL PARTY

once shes been fixed to the point where she can touch people, she just never stops. manhandling everyone in the party constantly. oh whats that? tav is on low health? dont worry karlach is sprinting over to put tav on her shoulder. literally any problem can be solved by karlach hugs and i wont be taking feedback on this

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #astarion bg3 #astarion ancunin #bg3 wyll #wyll ravengard #bg3 gale #gale dekarios #gale of waterdeep #bg3 shadowheart #shadowheart #bg3 lae'zel #lae'zel of k'liir #karlach bg3 #karlach cliffgate #bg3 companions #bg3 headcanons

82 notes · View notes

psychiatricwarfare · 1 month

Text

PLEASE tag unreality posts properly

ok so ive noticed that some of yall really have no idea what unreality means and i can tell because i have the tag blacklisted so i dont get needlessly triggered while scrolling through tumblr dot com and as long as im told its not real its usually fine so ill click on the button to view it and itll be like... a picture of someones childhood home.. that... that is Not unreality. even if it is YOUR childhood home and it makes YOU disassociate. that is Not unreality and you're needlessly making Other delusional/psychotic/disassociative people's minds run wild as it tries to guess What in this picture isnt real & can spiral into convincing ourselves that nothing is real

on the other hand, sometimes ill be hit with a post with No Warning that says some shit like "THEY are coming for you. Hide." and like do i need to explain how this is harmful??

im not saying you cant shitpost or weirdpost or creepypost or whatever but pls tag properly (learn how under the cut)

if you dont know what should be tagged as unreality, its anything that isnt actually real/true, i would say that most importantly, unreality should be tagged on posts that could trigger delusions in people. think back to the me or ps5 song, the guy who originally duetted her has come forward asking people to please tag it as unreality due to the lines "its me boy im the ps5 speaking to you from inside your brain" and "listen to me, boy, your free will is an illusion" triggering people into experiencing delusions. in general, if the goal of your post is to harmlessly scare someone at 2am by making up a spooky scenario or evil creature or whatever, it needs an unreality tag

"you have been chosen" type posts are a form of unreality as well and can trigger delusions of grandeur, religious delusions, etc.

eerie and unsettling posts (i particularly see this with photographs) with no words and/or anything fake added are NOT unreality, it is only unreality if there are UNreal elements or if the entire thing is made up

common tags that unreality is found in are things like weirdcore, dreamcore, liminalcore (<- this one is usually mistagged unsettling photographs of real places), chaos posting, etc.

if you have any more questions i highly recommend interacting with (& befriending) more people who experience dissociation/psychosis/schizophrenia/delusions/paranoia/etc so you can get a better understanding of what people like us experience

#bug talks #bug rants #actually dissociative #actually paranoid #actually delusional #delusions #psychospec #schizospec #shitpost #weirdcore #dreamcore #liminalcore #chaos posting

43 notes · View notes

kxyera · 4 months

Text

How the Ghouls spend time alone (SFW) <3

All fluff, first time i've ever wrote something like this :)

Aurora

I know for a FACT this girl can draw. She can sketch, paint, reference, shade and draw in multiple art styles. She's incredibly proud of her art (AS SHE SHOULD?!) and always draws little sketches of the other ghouls when shes bored or alone. She sometimes rips the pages out and gives it to the ghoul she drew, they always fawn over it and thank her multiple times.

Cirrus

She's a doomscroller. Enough said. She has a screen-time of over 10 hours and is not ashamed whatsoever. She also loves online shopping, she spends at least half her time scrolling to buy things she cant and will probably never afford or wear.

Cumulus

THIS. GIRL. CROCHETS. SHE IS A CROCHET QUEEN. She especially loves making stuffed animals and makes the ghouls little stuffed animals for anti-christmas and their birthdays. They're always personalised and is colour-coded to the giftee's element (EG: Fire = Red wool, Water = Blue wool, Air = White/grey wool, Earth = Green/brown wool, Quintessence = Purple). She loves the time and effort spent in making crochet projects, and absolutely adores seeing the other ghouls' face light up when they're gifted one of her projects.

Sunshine

I feel like she'd just enjoy the alone time. She'd go on walks by herself, skipping and listening to music. She just loves everything and is literally a walking ray of sun. literally.

Swiss

He definitely plays loud music and sings along to it. Other ghouls either love it or hate it, depends on what time of day/night it is. He once woke up Sodo at 2am from it. DEEPLY regretted it. Has always stopped playing music at exactly 10pm after that incident.

Sodo

Depending on his mood, he'll either practice his guitar or go on walks. He almost always practices his guitar as he thinks its the only thing that will keep him focused in on something. He plays to get his mind off of whatever happened and he'll only goes on walks when he knows he needs to properly clear his head.

Mountain

He'd be a gardening boy. His room is full of plants and he knows the exact name of every plant in his room. He'd go out to the ministry gardens and sit underneath one of the trees reading. He's a calm boy.

Rain

You bet your ass if its a rainy day he's out there running around in it. Heavy rain? He loves it. Storm? No problem. Thunder? He'll jump at the large crashes of thunder, but find it to be music to his ears. He takes daily showers and the water has to be cold. He loves cold water (especially in the mornings) and he absolutely has a rainfall shower head. His spare time is spent damp.

Phantom

This little gremlin is a walking pile of chaos. He once baked with the ghoulettes when he was bored. Its safe to say he's now officially banned from the kitchen. Everytime he has spare time alone, he instantly goes to find someone to mess about with. He also plans elaborate pranks to pull on the other ghouls in the future. Yes, he has a notebook with all these plans.

Aether

He’s the type of guy that reads a lot of old novels, always has a book on him. He *loves* H.P. Lovecraft, especially ‘Call of Cthulhu’ and could talk about it for hours by a cozy fire if he had someone to listen

#aurora ghoulette #cirrus ghoulette #cumulus ghoulette #sunshine ghoulette #swiss ghoul #sodo ghoul #mountain ghoul #rain ghoul #phantom ghoul #aether ghoul #domestic december ghost ghouls (sorta)#headcanons #ghost headcanons #ghost bc headcanons #ghost bc #kxyera’s headcanons

58 notes · View notes

mega-taiga · 2 years

Text

ok so here are my thoughts about this years minecraft live.

overall it was .... okay. i felt like there was a lot more padding than usual, like we only got small bits of information with large amounts of exposition in between. that could be from the whole "learning from last year in promising too much and delivering too little", so who knows.

minecraft legends looks fun. i like that the world is randomly generated each time so everyone will get a unique experience. the mechanics look interesting and seem to fit together nicely. the design of the mobs and plants and environments are really nice. im interested to see just how much of the game there is, the replayability, the longevity of the game, but overall looks like a solid game. ill probably buy it when it releases

the update reveal.... well, they gave us virtually nothing so i cant really comment on it. as previously stated idk why theyre only just learning how to properly do gameplay reveals, but im glad they took the criticism from the fiasco that was 1.19 and are actually listening. maybe listening a bit too much? we literally have no clue what this updates theme is. like last year they revealed to much so now theyre going the polar opposite direction and revealing nothing. ppl in my discord server were saying maybe a building update considering the new blocks and new default skins which ties into the whole "self expression" shit, so we'll see.

a quick aside, i gotta mention how absolutely vague the update description agnes gave was. "this year we want self expression and representation. we want identity and to unite all players together. and this year we did just that, with this update, that will connect players and identity, and representation". she spoke around what the actual theme was then said they want to make minecraft "minecraftier". what the fuck does that mean. anyway.

hanging signs are cool, they were frequently requested so im glad theyre finally being implemented, and in varying shapes and positions. no complaints there.

the chiseled bookshelf is... cool... but its functionality literally couldve been implemented into the normal bookshelf. plus, the chiseled ones just look better imo. so kinda confused there but oh well.

the new bamboo wood is alright, it looks a little ugly to me. i like the mosaic variety. the bamboo raft confuses me as it functions exactly like a normal boat, so im not sure the need to differentiate.

the camels are the BEST part of this livestream. they seem super dope and well designed with interesting and fun mechanics. anything that adds to the barren deserts is a godsend. 2 player rideable mob with a dash move? sign me up. my only concern is... theyre so intricate it makes classic mobs look so boring. the camels have a specific getting up and laying down animation complete with ear twitch animations and dashes while the cow just. stands there. so not super great in that department

and finally, the mob vote. SNIFFER SWEEP. i dont have much to say about this bc obviously the sniffer would win. it was the most interesting out of all of them. i had no doubts but the confirmation is exciting.

its 2am as i write this and im tired so thats all im gonna say for now. i probably forgot stuff and ill probably remember stuff later so ill probably more than likely make more rants tomorrow

#koi talk #long post

126 notes · View notes

buckthefutcher · 10 months

Text

its almost 2am and i woke up 20 mins ago but now i cant sleep bc im desperate to know the answer to this: do actors who need glasses wear contacts when the play a none glasses character or not? bc like i guess its not super essential to be able to see in super fine detail when you’re doing a scene you’ve rehearsed? but also i am not a glasses wearer so can’t properly comprehend what the world looks like without them

#i cannot stress enough that i am barely awake right now

2 notes · View notes

mikadollie · 6 months

Note

🍮 anon from the shu ask here! ꉂ(ˊᗜˋ*) im so glad u have a tumblr acc hehe ^_^ the anons r trying 2 win your heart!!!!! im just watching it n im the cameraman .. also your arstyle is SOOOOOOOOOO cute I LOVE IT esp how you draw eyes (＾∇＾)ﾉ pls let me EAT your art :33

if u dont mind ,, let me b .. a little bit insane (๑ᴖ◡ᴖ๑) delete this ask if uncomfortable ,, i‘ll probably resend it without this part later .. its currently 2AM rn and I Am Going Insane >_<

/// trigger warning & content warning, this contain mentions of ; non-con, gang🍇, chikan, kidnapping (??implied idk), a bit of emetophilia (vomit) && urolagnia (piss), anthropophagy, anthropophagolagnia in the end ( sorry again 4 the long words .. ) and also out of character. not so wow but yeah

i know u love aira buuuuut i have a relationship of love&hate with him!!! (＃＞＜) i cant disagree that hes cute n hes amazing matwrial 4 dead dove tho .. aira works hard for his reputation as an idol ,, he wants 2 recognized by that n aims 2 be like his role models, it would just be terrible if aira‘s reputation, including ALKALOID‘s, would be ruined :( poor little aira! he thought it would b nice 2 be recognized in public, but he doesnt seems 2 like it too much when older men‘s large hands r groping his smaller body in the train n he cant ask 4 help ,, nobody would help him anyway . of course he would like 2 see his lovely friends in public! he likes having the attention 2 himself n how fascinated his fans look 2 only see him ,, aira cant help the feeling on his gut by seeing his fans beinh men or/& women who r much older than (੭˃̵ᴗ˂̵)੭ aira cant rlly do something when hes already being split in half n feeling how tight his cunt is clenching around the dick of a random gross man, his so called “fan” is much bigger than he could properly take being a virgin .. he can feel blood mixed with cum dripping down his thighs, he can feel the bulge on his throat & stomach. aira doesnt knows if that was a good idea.. maybe he should be more careful of his safety, he doesnt knows what kind of people his “fans” are, but hes certainly sure he knows now with how he struggles to breath with the cock inside of his throat, gagging n choking (๑ᵔ⤙ᵔ๑) his mouth feels tingly n watery, he cant talk with how the older man moves his head even deeper, he can only gag at his own vomit, earning a disgusted (??or excited.. idk) look from the older man. aira shouldnt trust people easily,, hes an idol & hes famous, of course there should be danger near. he wished he could warn this before as he feels himself getting filled up with cum again, his body reacting in a way he doesnt wants it to react. his face is a mess of cum, drool & now of piss, the smell being disgustingly intoxicating for his senses. another man, another dick to take. he cant count how many of them are in a state like this, he only feels another cock rubbing precum against his cheek, while he jerks off another one.

i would make this worse but .. yeah

🍮ANON !!!!!!!!!!!!! WELCOME WELCOEM!!!!!!!

I almosy came 20 times to that itsokay sometimes i hatw aira when he doesnt comehome on his banners anndddd nnnooowwwwwwww... i have a newthought to think of when i start getting mad at hhim.... :3

#— *kanana asks :3

1 note · View note

genderconfusedasheck · 1 year

Photo

dont stay up till 2am you start Thinking [thoughts under cut]

my gender experience is so fucking weird yall. esp coming from a black family where i was already scrutinized by my mother for even being bi. i started testosterone about 3 years ago, and i am SO happy with the results. i got what i wanted, deeper voice, facial hair, more masc traits, end of periods. if and when i get a hysterectomy, i might even just stop taking T because i got what i wanted from it. T has been AMAZING to me. i cant even give a “but” in this instance because without T i wouldnt have figured out JUST how genderqueer i am.

now, mind you, i identified as agender way back in 2015 when i first heard of the word. it described me perfectly. but at the time i was going by two pronouns, she/they. going to my gsa club and having someone give me the nastiest look possible because i was using two pronouns shook me to my core to never identify with that label ever again. in 2019 i told my college roommate i was going to start using they/them, and he straight up told me he wont use it because its confusing. he would then later gender one of his friends with that set of pronoun, and when i asked why he didn’t use it for me it was because “im so used to your other ones”.

it wasnt until meeting a new friend at my college’s pride club and seeing another trans black person using two sets of pronouns that REALLY broke me out of my gender shell.

im going back to using the agender label after cycling through my options. the word ‘man’ never stuck with me, because i just dont feel like its true. im not a male, im not a boy. im DEFINITELY not a female or a girl. im some secret and fucked up third thing that i will never be able to properly explain.

this ALL brings me into the strange, impulsive thought as i was scrolling through old art. which was,

“dude i dont wanna use any form of pronoun for me whatsoever”

like. HUH? no. im sorry but thats not happening i will gaslight myself into never being pronounless because WHAT ARE PEOPLE SUPPOSED TO REFER TO ME AS? i dont even wanna use neopronouns!!! FUCK!! just dont refer to me or smth idk!!!

being trans is so cool but by GOD it is tiring esp if youre black. the stigma in the black community and the lgbt community is craaaaazy. i just wanna wear cute overalls and maybe even a bit of a dress or smth after top surgery without getting weird looks from both sides

#gender #agender #my art #transgender #rant

1 note · View note

thorbruce-is-lit · 5 years

Text

i did it

I finally finished it!! It’s here!!!! All done!! I’ve finished the fic i was writing based off an older post; So As always, if you see any mistakes, or if you wanna ask anything, message me, or send an ask, or just comment. <3 <3

Millennia Together “…Huh.” It had been days of experiments leading to more loosely connected experiments, and Bruce had reached the end. Sure, there was probably so much more he could find in this rabbit hole of potential research, but he was done. He pushed himself back from his desk and leant back in his chair, rubbing his hands over his face. “Huh.” he repeated to the ceiling. It wasn’t really prompted by anything, his decision to study his own DNA. Out of the blue, it had struck him as an interesting idea. To check out how it had mutated, see if there were any perks to being tied to the Hulk. One thing had led to another, interesting discoveries of weird genes had led to experiments, had led to more questions, and so on. But for now, he was done. “Immortal, huh?” This was gonna take a while to process.

Thor woke up to find the bed empty. It wasn’t an unusual occurrence. Bruce regularly got up in the early hours of the morning to work on one of his many projects with Tony. The pair would work themselves to death if they could work without interruption. He knew that the work Bruce was doing was important for potentially millions of people, but it still saddened him to wake up alone. He quickly forgot his sorrow though, dragging himself out of bed as he remembered Bruce was starting a new project that he promised to explain. He quickly made himself presentable enough to leave the compound, and left their room to go find Bruce. Thor walked into the lab with a grin and a “Good morning Stark!” “He’s not here, surprisingly.” Tony replied, looking up from his work. “Oh, and ‘morning to you too.” Thor gave a nod of acknowledgement and made to leave, when Tony said, “So you and Bruce huh?” He immediately saw Thor’s muscles tense and he could’ve sworn the air pressure in the room increased. “What about it?” Thor bit out defensively. He had been told by Bruce about the lack of acceptance on Earth, but he hadn’t expected it from Stark. Tony put his hands up in defence, “Woah there, Pointbreak nothing bad! I’m not one for hate. I’m just wondering if this is something you do… often.” he finished lamely. “If you are implying that I am not devoted to Bruce then—” “Hold on, not what I’m saying.” Tony cut him off, pinching the bridge of his nose. He really didn’t mean to breach the subject like this, if at all. “It’s just… you don’t strike me as the type to deal with loss all too well. No offence.” Thor looked at him with a perplexed expression. He was completely lost. “Go on.” he prompted. Tony sighed. “Well, Bruce is human right? And, like other beings, humans have lifespans. You get my drift?” Tony was already regretting this conversation immensely, and seeing Thor’s expression upon realising he would outlive Bruce made him visibly flinch. “Thor?” No response. That was worrying. Tony thought about approaching him, but decided against it when acknowledging the chance of getting electrocuted. However after a few minutes of standing in silence, Tony couldn’t handle it anymore.“Listen, forget I said anything. Go find Bruce, give him a big ol’ hug and forget I ever spoke to you.” Thor, seemingly unhearing, stood in the doorway for a few more minutes before turning and leaving without a word, the look of immense grief still carved into his face. As soon as the door closed, Tony headbutted his desk, audibly moaning “I’m such a dumbass,” over and over.

Thor wanted to collapse into bed, to curl up into a ball and cry. He didn’t know how he could be so blind. Well, he did. Wilful ignorance, his mind’s desire to ignore the things he didn’t like. But not this time. He didn’t curl up and ignore his problems. That wasn’t enough this time. Instead, he walked over to his laptop that Stark had supplied him with. He was still getting used to how it worked, but he understood enough for what he needed. He pulled up a search engine and began to type. Sometime around 2am Bruce stumbled into the room and fell directly into bed, groaning. “Remind me to never accept a party invitation from Natasha ever again.” In his sleep deprived state, he didn’t register Thor’s delayed hum of acknowledgement. It was long after Bruce had gone to sleep before Thor wearily closed the lid of his laptop on pages and pages of research on prolonging the human lifespan.

Bruce woke up to the gentle sound of rain on the window. Closing his eyes, he listened closely to the ambient sounds of the room. He hated his inability to stay asleep sometimes, but the calm sound of Thor’s breathing could usually lull him back to sleep. Tonight however, Thor’s usually deep calming breaths were absent for the room, and instead Bruce could hear slightly laboured… whimpering? “Thor? Babe, are you awake?” Bruce whispered. The noise stopped immediately, but there was no answer. “Thor?” He tried again, but all he got in response was a loud snore, then a shuffling of movement, and finally the deep breathing he’d grown used to over the past months. He drifted off as the rain continued to fall.

“Welcome back Thor.” “Good to see you again, my friend.” Thor met Heimdall in a quick embrace. “I’m sorry to cut this short, but I am in a hurry at the moment.” “Then I shall not keep you.” Heimdall replied with a knowing nod, gesturing for Thor to take his leave. Thanking him, Thor took off for the heart of the city.

Thor found himself still in the library the next day, surrounded by a myriad of texts varying from scientific papers, to ancient history, to mythology. So far, he’d found nothing. Absolutely nothing of value. He was frustrated and tired, and all he wanted was to be in bed at home with Bruce, but he knew he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t face Bruce with the knowledge that he’d failed to find a solution. He sighed, digging the palms of his hands into his eyes wearily, in an attempt to clear them of exhaustion. It didn’t work. With a groan he pulled himself from his seat and walked back over to the scientific research papers. He’d already looked through them countless times, and had picked out all the relevant ones. Still, despite the knowledge that there was nothing left, that he had scoured all possible sources for prolonging the life of Midguardians, he couldn’t bring himself to give up. “Thor.” Thor whipped his head around. He hadn’t thought anyone had seen him arrive. He relaxed at the sight of his friend. “Ah, Heimdall. You startled me, I thought Odin had noticed I’d returned.” “No, no one is aware of your presence but me. But you must leave soon, if you wish for it to remain that way.” Thor let out a frustrated sigh. “But I haven’t found what I’m looking for. I need more time.” “You aren’t going to find what you’re after here, Thor. I must advise you leave soon. Banner is beginning to worry.” That got Thor’s attention. “But… I can’t face him. I can’t do it.” “You must.” Thor looked at him with pleading eyes, as if Heimdall could make everything better. Heimdall responded with a sympathetic look, before turning to leave. “Come.” Thor followed.

He wanted to have not looked hard enough. He wanted the library to be missing research. He wanted to be lucky. But he knew in his heart that what he was looking for wasn’t there, and that he was doomed to be alone, remembering Bruce’s death for the millennia to come. But… He could still make some new memories, he realised. He could take Bruce to all the best planets, go on holidays and make the most of their time together. As he thought this, he felt some of the heaviness on his heart lift. That’s what he would do.

It had been a few weeks since the party, and Bruce was starting to notice something was off. Thor looked tired. He was sleep deprived, that much was obvious. Bruce wasn’t stupid. He knew that Thor wasn’t sleeping. He had woken up in the middle of the night more than once to find Thor’s side of the bed cold and empty. But Thor looked tired. He wished Thor would tell him where he was going, what was happening that required him to work himself into such a state, but breaching the subject was turning out to be difficult. It was starting to worry him, but every time he attempted to breach the subject Thor stopped immediately changed the topic. He wasn’t sure how much longer the conversation could be ignored though, because he knew there had to be a limit to Thor’s energy. Despite looking almost dead on his feet however, Thor still refused to talk to Bruce about it. Today was different though. Bruce’s concerned looks and questions of what was wrong were met with knowing smiles, rather than heavy silence or rushed counters. As the sun set, Thor approached Bruce in the lab, walking up to him and softly whispering “Come, I have something to show you.” The amount of feeling conveyed Thor’s tone made Bruce shiver, and he allowed himself to be led away from his work. He wasn’t willing to shut Thor out after the past few weeks, not even for his research. Thor led Bruce by the hand, occasionally looking back and smiling, and Bruce felt his heart lighten. This was different. This felt good. They stopped a short distance from the compound, and it was only then when Bruce noticed Thor was carrying Stormbreaker. “Where are we going?” Bruce asked. Thor looked into his eyes with a warm smile. “You’ll see.”

Bruce was at a loss for words. Tree branches resembling elegant, cold fingers twisted through the fog far below, giving the illusion of trapped souls in the mist. Bioluminescent moss coated the floor far below in a pale blue light. It was haunting. Far beyond the edge of the cliff, the sunset dominated the horizon, with a vast and intricate spread of deep purples to neon greens. The clouds swirled in enormous spiralled structures, with light passing through them at just the right angles to create an apparent glow. The sky at the distant horizon met with the vast, almost endless chasm in an impossibly flawless way, the fog rising to meet the air and glowing with all the colours of the sky. Bruce lent over the barrier preventing him from falling into the vast chasm, trying to see further through the fog in the weak light below. Thor stood by his side smiling to himself, no doubt enjoying the childish enthusiasm Bruce was radiating. “It’s… amazing.” he breathed. Thor chuckled. “You’ve said that.” “But… Look! It’s so beautiful!” Bruce exclaimed, struggling to put his feelings into words. “You’re beautiful.” Bruce looked away from the breathtaking view to see Thor smiling at him again, and felt all the stress of the past few weeks fade from his mind. He didn’t notice the sadness behind Thor’s eyes.

Bruce’s suspicions were rising again. In the past month, Thor had taken him on seven different impromptu trips. He wasn’t complaining, no. Each destination was more breathtaking than the last, and Bruce couldn’t get enough of it. That’s where the big problem was. He knew that his and Thor’s relationship wasn’t what it used to be. Ever since the night of the party, something had been off, but Bruce had thought it was getting better. Wilful ignorance. All these day trips to different planets were part of the problem, but Bruce’s scientifically driven mind had ignored the concern constantly eating at the back of his mind in favour of marvelling at the natural wonders of other worlds. Now however, Bruce was taking a stand. Among the unplanned trips, Thor was still disappearing most nights. Bruce was ashamed at his own selfish actions and knew the only way to fix everything was to just talk. But to do that, he needed Thor to cooperate. The issue here, was that every time he tried to bring it up Thor was still deflecting, either pretending nothing had changed or convincing him to go on another trip. He needed to find the right time to ask, where Thor couldn’t escape. But… he worried. He worried if Thor was withdrawing from him due to a lack of interest, or if something was happening that required Thor to leave. He didn’t want to ruin any time that could be their last. So he kept quiet, worrying silently and hoping beyond all hope that Thor was okay. That they were okay.

“Thor!!” He heard a panicked shout before he plunged into the deep spring. The warm water was relaxing, and he waited a few moments before pushing himself to the surface. He looked up at Bruce’s concerned face, peering down at him from the top of the sheer rock face, and beamed. “Come on, the water’s nice!” He pushed himself back through the water, spreading his arms out in invitation. “I don’t care Thor! There’s signage here for a reason, and I’m pretty sure it says ‘No Trespassing’.” “I don’t suppose I could convince you it says ‘join your boyfriend in the water’?” Bruce sent him a stern look in reply and Thor sighed, swimming to the edge of the spring and pulling himself out. “I know they’re pretty babe, but you can’t just throw yourself in there. I don’t want you to get arrested on an alien planet.” Bruce said as Thor climbed back to where Bruce was waiting. “We won’t get arrested! I’ll just use the Bifrost and we’ll be gone before they know what happened” Bruce shot him another stern look as Thor gathered his shirt off the floor. “We can appreciate them from up here. Look, you can see all the flora around the springs, and how it grows in patterns! That’s exciting!” Bruce exclaimed, gesturing at the view. “But would you not like to see how they work from down there? You can even collect samples!” Thor pushed. Bruce sighed again. “Of course I would, but—Thor!” He let out a small scream as Thor bodily picked him up and jumped off the edge, into the water below. Thor didn’t let go until they were at the surface, and as soon as he did Bruce pushed away and splashed at him. “Thor! We can’t be down here!” He punctuated each word with a splash. Thor grinned, and responded with an even bigger splash. “But we are down here Bruce. If we can’t be down here, how do you explain this?” Bruce couldn’t help himself as he chuckled. “Well, I suppose you have a point,” he conceded, “and no one else knows we’re here. So I suppose even if we shouldn’t be here, how would we know. No one’s told us we shouldn’t be here. For all I know that sign up there says ‘join your boyfriend in the water’.” Thor grinned even wider at that, and swum over to Bruce. “Well, what should we do now that we’re both down here?” he smirked, snaking his arms around Bruce’s middle. “I think you mentioned something about taking samples of the flora here.” Bruce smirked back, slipping out of Thor’s arms and taking off towards the bank. Before he had made it halfway, he felt a surge of water from behind him and turned just in time to be hit in the face with a massive wave. As Bruce spluttered, Thor laughed to himself, easily keeping himself above Bruce’s retaliatory splashes. “Bruce darling, you’re going to need to accept the fact that you will never beat me at this game. I’m too strong.” Bruce just grinned at that, and lifted his hands in surrender. “Alright, alright, I give up.” He sighed dramatically. Thor beamed at that, missing the smirk Bruce sent his way. In the blink of an eye, a massive wave hit Thor directly in the face, knocking him back across the spring. “HA. We win.” Thor turned at the sound of Hulk’s voice, and shot him a dazzling smile. “Well I don’t think I can compete with that. At least, not safely.” They spent the next hour swimming together, breaking out into more than a few splash fights, until the sun began to dip below the horizon. “Thor off.” They had been lounging in silence for a while on the edge of the spring when Hulk spoke, out of the blue. “Hmm? What do you mean by that?” Thor said, blinking. He’d almost fallen asleep laying on Hulk’s arm, watching the colours of the sky change. “Thor off!” Hulk insisted, jostling Thor into full awareness as he sat up. “Oh, right. Sorry, I almost fell asleep.” “No! Banner says Thor is off. Different.” “Ah.” Thor swallowed guiltily. He should’ve known Bruce would’ve noticed his behaviour recently. “I guess.” “Why?” Hulk prompted after Thor made no motion to continue. “It’s difficult to explain.” Thor started. He didn’t know whether he should lie or not. He didn’t want to have to tell Bruce his troubles, the empty feeling in the pit of his stomach every time he thought about the future. “I’ll tell you some other time. I promise.” He sighed inwardly at his own cowardice. He was delaying the inevitable, and his behaviour was obviously worrying Bruce. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it yet. Hulk grunted in agreement, but didn’t look too happy. “How about you let Banner come back for a while? He wanted to collect samples from here, and we’ll have to leave soon.” Thor stood up and stood in front of Hulk’s slouched form, kissing his forehead. “Everything will be fine. Don’t worry.” Hulk looked up and nodded, before beginning to shrink back down. Thor knew it was selfish to ask for Bruce back, but he knew that Hulk wouldn’t let it go, that he would keep prying to protect Bruce from harm. He knew he had to tell Bruce, but he wanted a few more experiences with him before Bruce caught on to why they were travelling. Before he knew it, Bruce was looking up at him with a concerned expression. “Thor, snap out of it.” Bruce waved in front of his face and he realised he’d been lost in his head. He mentally shook himself, clearing his head and smiling back at Bruce. “Welcome back.” “Did we win?”

He had officially reached his breaking point. Even Hulk, in the back of Bruce’s mind, was constantly worrying about Thor, and he had just walked in on his boyfriend passed out on the kitchen bench. In his breakfast. Pulling him up, Bruce got one of Thor’s arms over his shoulder and half dragged him to the nearest couch, placing him down gently and standing back. Thor looked peaceful, and Bruce’s heart broke slightly, knowing how rare peace had come to him lately. He pulled up a chair in front of the couch and picked up the coffee table book Steve had bought for the main lounge. ‘Wonders of the World’. Bruce chuckled at that, flicking through to find places similar to the locations he and Thor had visited. After almost an hour, Thor began to wake up. Bruce sensed him stirring and immediately put down the book. “Thor? Are you alright?” Bruce didn’t miss the slight panic that crossed Thor’s face as he gained awareness, before it was quickly masked by a seemingly empty smile. “Of course. I must have just fallen asleep on the couch, it’s fine.” he yawned, and Bruce frowned. “Thor, you fell asleep on a stack of pancakes. I carried you here.” Thor looked a bit surprised at that. Bruce narrowed his eyes as Thor pushed himself into a seated position. He could sense Thor was avoiding the question on purpose, but he couldn’t predict what Thor’s reaction would be if he kept pressing. Then Thor stood up. “Well, if it’s as late as it looks, I need to—” “No.” Thor looked surprised at being cut off, Bruce noticed as he stood up himself. He was just as surprised himself, to be honest. He hadn’t meant to cut Thor off, but now that he had the attention he needed, he may as well continue. “What’s going on Thor? These trips, your behaviour recently, you need to tell me.” He said it sternly, making sure to hide his insecurity. He didn’t want Thor to sense his worry and flip the scene on him. Thor’s face went through a multitude of emotions before settling on grief, and he fell back into the couch, bringing his hands to his face. Bruce’s frustration was forgotten, quickly being replaced by concern. “I can’t… I can’t fix it.” Thor choked out, looking up at Bruce with eyes full of unshed tears. “I can’t find anything… I don’t want to lose you.” “What? Why are you losing me? I’m not planning on going anywhere sweetie.” Bruce questioned, crouching down and placing a comforting hand on Thor’s knee. Thor’s tears began falling, and he lifted his hands back to his face in a futile attempt to hide them. Bruce’s concern skyrocketed at that. “Babe, what’s going on? You know I would never leave you, right?” Thor took a moment to collect himself before responding, taking time to calm down while Bruce watched patiently. “Not now, not even soon. But it is inevitable. Death takes all humans at such an early age, and I will be left alone for millennia.” “Oh.” Bruce didn’t know how to respond to that. He had long ago come to an acceptance that he’d outlive all his friends, potentially spending millennia alone. But in all of his wildest fantasies of what could’ve been wrong, he would never have imagined this. Bruce had been thinking that if he was lucky Thor would have stuck around for a few years before he got bored and left Bruce to be alone again. It was nothing to do with Thor’s personality of course. Bruce just wasn’t that interesting. And after all, if you live for millennia, what the point of remaining with someone like him for that long. But Thor somehow wanted to spend his life with him.He knew it was an illogical response, but Bruce couldn’t stop himself from giggling at his realisation. As soon as he sees the extreme hurt and confusion in Thor’s eyes however, he instantly felt guilty. “Nono, sweetie, I’m not laughing cause you’re sad, it’s just…” He couldn’t help the next wave of giggles, before managing; “I’m pretty much immortal.” At Thor’s dumbstruck look, he continued gleefully “After the other guy, my aging process has pretty much stopped. All this grey hair’s from stress.” After a shocked moment of silence, Thor started giggling too. He slid off the couch and knelt into an embrace, laughing in relief. They laughed until they were breathless, and Thor pulled back, hands on Bruce’s shoulders with a genuine smile. “This is the best news I have ever received!” And then as an afterthought, Thor added “I’ve so many trips still planned for us.” That set Bruce off again, and they both devolved into another fit of laughter. Tony walked in on the scene half an hour later and breathed a silent sigh of relief at the two, who were lying in a heap, still giggling with tears in their eyes. He was hoping the two would sort out the mess he caused. The guilt was eating at him. He backed out of the room and left the two in peace.

Bruce couldn’t believe that Thor wanted to spend his life with him. It was almost surreal, thinking about spending the rest of his life with Thor. His boyfriend lay beside him completely wiped out, finally being able to rest after the stress of the past weeks. As he lay with his back pressed against Thor, he traced the ring he held in his palm. The realisations of the day still raced through his head, erasing all doubts he had held about proposing. He smiled to himself and closed his fist. Tomorrow, he’d do it. He fell asleep within minutes, the smile never leaving his face.

#thorbruce #brucethor #thunderscience #gammahammer #thundersmash #fic #my writing #i finally did it guys #are you proud of me?#its 2am and i cant see properly #but i did it

39 notes · View notes

aadyeah · 3 years

Note

describe your favourite mutuals in a few words

OKAY I LOVE THESE KIND OF ASKS

@paranoid--introvert : outspoken, fun to be around, very sisterly, would 10/10 throw a chappal at you

@mango-pickle : sisterly, grammar lord, pun master, big bren, thoughtful in a way i cant properly describe because my vocab consists of 30 words

@some-major-ishues : sunshine-y, soft lil babie, insult queen and she will fight with her noodle arms

@psycho-mocha : choas(TM), funny af, awesome music taste, great vibes, copes with sarcasm and bts

@reddish-green-personality : empathetic, has the gift of phunny, respectful, straight but adopted by the gaes

@anou-no : big pp energy, wtf is a constant mood, samosa to my chutney, f a n t a s t i c in general, behen hod ganja kahaan hai is also a constant mood

@arrigatoroy : he is a mood. just wants to vibe. resourceful. desi bro i can relate to 😔✌

@thepanipurisimp : excellent choice of words, empathetic, gae mom vibes, shes a mood ngl

@neon--mess : adorable, one of my first frens here, cares deeply, p h u n n y, excellent gaedar, basically a blessing

@wannabe-santiago : chaddi (will not explain), aaj sunday hai (will not explain), copes with humor, has a huge mental playlist of crap songs, very fun in general, studyblr gone wrong <3

@anxious-ace-dork : iconic everyday, shares her crap songs playlist with vedangi, desi sis i can relate to 😔✌, her presence is very comfortable (if that makes sense)

@fandomsgonehaywire : basically a twin, has the same sense of humor as me (its bad okay), has the personality of the color purple

@moon--bug : shes a vibe. fun, gives me smart vibes idk why, very chill

SEE I HAVE LIKE FIVE OTHER PEOPLE IN MY MIND WHO I LOVE AND APPRECIATE BUT ITS 2AM AND MY MIND IS NOT WORKING I APOLOGIZE I WILL CONTINUE WITH THIS IN THE MORNING

54 notes · View notes

kazo0-boy · 3 years

Text

WARNING: Talk of mental illness, trauma, suicide, PTSD, solitary confinement, torture, generally dark topics, talking about c!dream in a somewhat sympathetic light

honestly idk what this is. it had a point somewhere but it just devolved into my thoughts on c!Dream. i also wrote half of it while dissociating oops

gonna put a disclaimer first: I am in no way trying to excuse any of c!Dream’s actions. he’s done tons or horrible things. this is just an analysis post from the perspective of him being mentally ill and flawed and the effect the prison would have on him, and what i think should have been done instead. Also, this is a fictional character.

This is something i’ve been wanting to put into words for awhile but haven’t really gotten to until now, but honestly as someone who has struggled with mental illness for most of their life and been in toxic mindsets I can’t help but sympathize with c!Dream in that it’s very clear to me that he isn’t just evil for the sake of being evil, but he is also a character that has gone with untreated mental illness and no proper support system that has resulted in him spiraling into the toxic mindset and abusive behaviors that we see him with now.

Nobody just goes into a spiral of cutting everyone and everything important to them off in order for them to have no chance to hurt or be used against him out of nowhere, developing unhealthy obsessions with power and control, attributing having attachments to displaying weakness, ect.. He’d have to have been struggling for a while to get to that point. There’s no way in heck that happened without a lot of internal struggle. Tbh i think what we saw with him snapping at Tommy for using Spirit’s leather against him was only the tip of the iceberg. We didn’t see any of his internal thoughts or descent but we did see the breaking point that led to his downfall. And he just kept getting worse from there.

do i think his actions are justified? no. he’s done a lot of unforgivable things that cannot be excused with any explanation and that’s not what i’m trying to do. can i see what state of mind would lead him into the place he’s at now? yes. just like every other character on the server, he is someone with complex actions and motivations that go beyond just being evil for the sake of being evil.

do i think he should be in the prison? no. now before you write me off let me explain why. NOBODY should be in the prison because it is inhumane and designed to break the prisoner’s spirit rather than contain and rehabilitate them for the safety of the server. It’s more of a torture chamber than a prison honestly. And being in it is clearly not helping c!Dream at all and traumatizing him more than anything. He’s mentioned that he doesn’t get full meals (during Bad’s visit, he asked if he gets 3 full meals a day and Dream brushes off the question) and what he does get is barely anything. Essentially starvation. The original prison plans were for the prisoner to also be able to leave the cell and go into a courtyard and such for ‘enrichment’ but neither Sam nor Dream has mentioned that. So as far as we know he’s been stuck in his cell the entire time with almost nothing to do. So essentially solitary confinement with a touch of starvation and isolation (people rarely visiting him, visitation being taken away as a punishment, ect) plus more for an extended period of time is a recipe for disaster (this is the only time i’m gonna mention specifics but i can see this resulting in specifically C-PTSD among who knows what else, as unlike simple PTSD it is caused by multiple traumatic events for an extended period of time. things like childhood abuse or being held captive for an extended period of time, and there have been cases where solitary confinement has caused it so he could easily end up suffering from it). I’ve seen people make the point that ‘oh well he was gonna put Tommy in there so he deserves it.’ that’s not the point. the point is that NOBODY should be in the prison. It should have never been built in the first place. any character that would go in would come out with serious trauma therefore it’s inhumane. Plus, how is Dream going to ever become a better person in that kind of environment? Isn’t that what a prison should be aiming to do?

Even if he hasn’t entirely broken yet, as he still shows hope of getting out or fighting back it’s inevitable that he is going to. We’re already seeing the beginnings of it in the form of self-destructive behavior like burning his clock and killing himself in lava (basically suicide). As time goes on its only going to get worse and worse. and even in the off-chance that he’s doing those as some kind of attempt at manipulation, the fact that he’s willing to go as far as to do serious harm to himself is seriously seriously concerning

So what do i think should have been done instead? first off, get this man some therapy. get EVERYONE some therapy. he’s no less deserving of getting help than anyone else. Second, put him in an actual prison that isnt a literal torture chamber, that will give him consequences for his actions properly without dehumanizing him and taking away any chance at recovery?

so uh, yeah. theres my 2am dissociative trigger-enduced rant on c!Dream over. i cant believe i wrote an entire essay on a minecraft roleplay

#dream smp #dreamwastaken #torture mention #mental illness mention #abuse mention #suicide mention #trauma mention #character analysis #ask to tag #long post #self harm mention #self destructive behavior mention

48 notes · View notes

henry-winter-apologist · 3 years

Text

but other times im just exhausted and i call myself a pussy for not being able to sit through 2 more hours of reading when its already 2am and i cant even see properly anymore. so choose your fighter???????????hopeless gay or exhausted wannabe henry winter

5 notes · View notes

maknaesdancersrappers · 4 years

Text

july 21

hello. july 21 is a special day for me and you dont have to read this because its just me venting out my thoughts and emotions as long as i can without word/character limits on any platform.

july 21 is my maternal grandmother’s birthday. when i was born, my mom went abroad often and my dad had the regular 9 to 5 job plus extra hours for commute. so growing up with my sisters who are 5 and 7 years older, our grandparents and aunts took care of us.

im also more fond of my maternal grandmother since my paternal grandmother lived far away and we rarely ever get to see her (usually only during summers and once she stayed with us for awhile) until she passed away from Alzheimer's.

during the long hiatus i took early this year (late december to mid-march?), a lot has happened in my life. my health was put at risk because of the ash fall brought by the volcano eruption (january 12); i had allergies for weeks - i couldnt breathe properly, let alone sleep because of it. it was about to be the second year after graduating college and i have yet to get a job; the pressure from my family - and myself - was so unbearable that i caught myself slipping back to my very, very, very dark thoughts. and the worst thing that happened in those three months: my grandmother passed away. in filipino, grandmother is lola (loh-lah) and i’d like to use that for the rest of this post.

if you ask anyone in their neighborhood, any of our family friends, and relatives, everyone will tell you that her death was sudden. because everyone knows her as the sometimes-funny-sometimes-cranky old lady that owns the convenience store at the corner of the street. she was 96. she was 96 but she refused to get a wheelchair or use a walking stick even though her knees started to hurt after a few steps. she was 96 but didn’t need glasses to read most of the time. she was 96 but didn’t have any maintenance medication. ever since she reached her 90′s, she had gone to the town clinic at least twice because she fell over (from loss of balance) and busted her head. yet she would walk the next day like she doesnt have stitches on her scalp. she hated going to the doctor, she’d always claim that nothing hurts and the only thing she wanted the doctor to fix was her hearing (its as weak as how her eyesight is clear)

i wasnt the only one in the family that got severely affected by the ash fall. my lola also had trouble breathing because of it. she also went to the doctor for it and they only prescribed her antibiotics. please remember this info. this should be around early february

she got a little better but her voice was very hoarse from the phlegm. even before this, lola had little to no appetite and would only eat when someone else is eating (usually if it’s us, her granddaughters). and by little to no appetite, i mean her whole meal would be three spoonfuls of rice and one piece/chunk of whatever the main dish/ulam is. whenever we ask if she had eaten (even though we know she hadnt) she’d always claim that she already has (this eventually became a little joke in our family.) we took this sign as her dementia getting worse (although she was never really diagnosed with it, we had naturally assumed it because she would always repeatedly tell us stories that she insists happened even though some have been debunked and there were times she forgets our names if we havent visited in a while.)

after she gets better from the cough (idk the real diagnosis of it), her legs started to swell and because her routine had been reduced to being bedridden for most of the day, my aunts thought it was just poor circulation. it took two weeks before they brought her back to the town clinic and again, they just prescribed her with some medicine. everything after this is blurry to me until feb 21

my mom, being the eldest, made the decision to bring lola to the hospital. she’s, rightfully, unsatisfied with the town doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions because lola is in so much pain and her legs were still swollen and its been weeks. i was with her in the emergency room while my mom and aunt did the paper work and the staff ran tests on lola. i’m contacting my sister who was in singapore and we’d video call to entertain lola since she was very adamant - and vocal - that she did not want to be admitted to the hospital bc she was “fine.” goSh she made so many hospital staff laugh because she would always announce whenever she had to fart. after like 2 hours, we move her into a ward and my mom tells me that i’ll have to stay overnight to watch over her. i was very apprehensive of this idea. i honestly did not want to. seeing her in pain was bad enough, but the fact we were in a room with other people and she was crying out loud made me really anxious but it was final. my mom, aunt, and uncle all went back home just to have dinner and they’ll come back since lola’s doctor would be coming by to give the results and for that hour they were gone? i lost it.

lola started talking/praying out loud, asking god why she was in so much pain, asking what she had done to deserve this; and i didn’t know what to do but hold her hand and kiss her head. i couldn’t even show her i was crying. when my mom got back, i told her i cant do it and she eventually convinced my other sister to join me, who cancelled her plans for the next day. that night, i did not and could not fall asleep. after a few hours, her doctor finally came by and dropped a bomb on us. he was kind enough to talk to my mom and aunt behind the curtains in the softest voice ever while i helped the nurse with lola, but i could hear him crystal clear.

cancer of the liver.

they even momentarily walked back to lola to touch her stomach and stepped back out. i almost thought i misheard, but my mom and aunt’s expressions were too grim that it basically confirmed it. later on, my mom finally told me and explained that the antibiotics she had been taking weeks ago were too strong for her because of her lifestyle and diet. there were tumors in her liver and surgery wouldn’t do anything. i dont remember what i did aside from sketching on the journal i brought, but until i got home at 10am the next day, i did not sleep a wink.

feb 22. when i woke up at 2PM, i was told that they had lola discharged from the hospital. there was nothing we could do but try to ease the pain to the best of our abilities and wait. starting that day, i went over to lola’s house to help out with feeding her, giving her medicine, and just trying to keep her happy by randomly smiling at her when i see her looking around or dancing to no music.

feb 24. these were the early weeks of covid - ph hadn’t had a case yet, i believe, but travel restrictions were being implemented. my sister in singapore was doing everything to make sure she could come home because we don’t know when, but we know lola was leaving soon. of all the things our mom told her not to do, she cried at the entrance of the embassy and by the grace of god, someone took pity and listened to her (bc she was denied entry since she had a small cough) and she was able book a flight at midnight and be home in 4 hours. that afternoon, when i arrived at lola’s house, that was the very first time i stood at the doorway to greet her like i usually did and she didn’t smile. not even the corners of her lips moved. she was in that much pain that she couldn’t even greet me back like she always did, which was to smile and nod her head. that night, we all decided to sleepover there (with the exception of my dad since he had to feed our dogs at home). i take my usual seat in the living room and i notice a white dress that i remember (from photos) being lola’s 50th anniversary wedding gown and without being told, i know it was what she was going to wear for the very last time.

feb 25. being notoriously a late sleeper, i was about to go to sleep at 2AM when i hear lola groaning and whining out loud. when i checked her, her stubborn lil ass was trying to get out of bed alone!!! so i obviously panic and try to wake up anyone by exclaiming that lola had to go to the bathroom - she’s been wearing adult diapers for weeks now but refuses to go in them and is adamant about bringing her to the bathroom so she could relieve herself - so me, and the same aunt and uncle from the hospital, assisted her into this modified chair so she could pee and the only thing i could do was hold her hand, like always. after that, my uncle said he’d watch over her and lie down beside her on the bed so in case she needs to go again, he can take care of it himself. after falling asleep, i heard a few hours later that my sister from SG arrived. when i woke up later on, my sisters and i presented ourselves to lola bc its been so long since she last saw us complete, and this time she was able to give us a small nod of acknowledgement. i realized that none of my uncles and aunts went to work that day, thinking it was just so we could be complete since my sister was home. but then i overhear them making plans to have a priest come over for the sacrament of anointing of the sick - which based on my last and only experience (my grandfather/lolo), this must be the day. during the session, a few of my aunts and an uncle cried. my sisters cried, too, but i forced myself not to. when the priest left, i don’t know how long, but suddenly, she was gone. i didn’t know how to react. this was the second time i’ve seen someone pass away before my very eyes. everyone was crying out for forgiveness, kissing lola’s head, but i couldn’t move one bit. i was finally crying, but i couldn’t move at all.

3 days. from learning about the real problem with lola, it only took 3 days for it to take her away from us. not even a week, or a month. the only bright side to this was that she’s finally relieved of all the pain that’s been causing her suffering. 3 days of knowing her time was very, very short, but it was still a shock when she finally left.

for the longest time, lola’s goal was to reach the age of 100 because apparently our government will reward her with 100,000 pesos (like 2k usd) for doing so. she wanted to reach 100 because she wanted to leave us with some inheritance haha. and everyone believed she could do it. no one doubted her. until this happened. maybe its just me, but i feel foolish... completely stupid and ignorant for knowing deep down in my heart that she would reach 100 that losing her 3 years prior her goal hurt me more than ever.

it’s been 5 months but remembering her death still makes me cry. i have dreams (and you all know im a lucid dreamer) where she’s still alive and we’re talking about how she beat cancer at 96 in just a few months, but then i’ll remember that she didn’t and the dream in front of me just shatters and i’ll wake up empty and crying. i have never felt so much regret after she passed bc all she wanted was to see me graduate and it was up to me to show her that i got my first job and give her a portion of my first salary, but i couldn’t even do that. i waited too long and now its too late. her ideal type for me was a rich atenean boy who could drive 😂 and i still couldn’t give her that bc im so anti-men. there was a time i was so scared to go back to lola’s house bc she called me out during dinner - “baket ka malungkot/why are you sad?” - when all i was doing was browsing through my phone, scarily enough going through another “episode”, and the last person i’d ever want to know about my possible depression was her. of all my suicidal episodes, i’ve always resolved them by thinking of her - that i will continue living because i wanted to see her smile. because i wanted to see her happy.

i miss her so much. i wish i had been a better granddaughter to her. the small things i’ve done for her were never enough. in the past 5 months, i’ve only dreamt about her twice (actually being with her) and both times made the day so hard to function. i havent moved on and i dont know if im the only one. i dont know if i’ll ever move on. she would have been 97 today. whenever she forgets my name, i’ll tell her i have the same birthday as her and she’ll remember me. she’ll say “ahhh rosean! july 10!”

if someone read through this, im sorry you had to go through that mess. but thank you for hearing me out. no, i’ll thank you the way my lola would thank people, verbatim:

thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

13 notes · View notes

boylikeanangel · 5 years

Note

adhd anon here 1) your experience with adhd things that are dismissed in women so they go undiagnosed for a long time 2) rejection sensitive dysphoria!!! i just read about it and started to cry 3) what did you think about your mental health before you were diagnosed like what diagnosis you had for yourself unofficially i always had my eyes on anxiety but now i suspect something else i wonder what that is 4) hyper!!!!fixations!!!!! please and thank you

1) from what admittedly little I've read on it, ADHD tends to go undiagnosed in women (counting myself as a woman here because like even tho I'm nb I've been socialised and treated as female my entire life for obvious reasons) because it tends to manifest verbally rather than in physical behaviour. girls with ADHD tend to be excessively talkative which is often overlooked since ADHD is most commonly recognised through hyperactive body language and restlessness. A kid with ADHD manifesting in not being able to sit still is much more likely to get diagnosed than a kid whose ADHD manifests in them talking too much, which was the case with me. I haven't really looked into this side of it too much because my struggles relating to like. It taking so long to get me diagnosed wasn't because of my gender but because of the fact that I was a "gifted" kid. ADHD is seen as an intellectual disorder rather than what it actually is, which is a developmental disorder, so the general opinion is that ADHD = stupid, and someone like me, who is just overall very intelligent and always excelled in school when I was younger, couldn't possibly have ADHD. The fact that I was intelligent allowed me to fly under the radar until around GCSE's (16 years old for those who don't know) because school work didn't require much concentration. But when it got to exams and I actually had to put real effort in and do work past the six allotted hours a day and take the initiative to voluntarily learn and produce work, combined with the fact that I was able to breeze through 12 years of school without having to learn how to revise and study properly, the realisation that there was something wrong hit me hard and fast and I was forced to confront something that I simply hadn't had to think about earlier on. My lack of diagnosis wasn't necessarily caused by the fact that my ADHD manifested early on in my life in a way that was overlooked; it was mostly caused by not having to consider I may have a learning disability until I was expected to take my learning past a point that could be completed and set aside quickly and easily with minimal concentration involved.

2) (I'm gonna talk about the pre-diagnosis before RSD because it kinda feeds into that nicely) I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 12, and while I definitely think I was suffering from what the professionals call "low mood" at the time that was unaffected by my ADHD, I don't believe that those two things, at least now, exist separately from it. ADHD is often diagnosed as anxiety and/or depression, especially in teenagers and young adults, because the inability to concentrate and commit to anything is attributed to the lethargy and apathy of depression, and the rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is attributed to the paranoia and forced asocial behaviour of anxiety. It's understandable considering the stigma around ADHD being "a child's disorder" that a lot of people with ADHD are labelled with depression and anxiety, but it can be so harmful to those who are misdiagnosed, simply for the reason that anxiety and depression are "temporary" issues. You can get therapy to fix depression and anxiety. You can learn it out of you. It takes time, but it's possible. That's not the case with ADHD. You can't CBT the ADHD away. It's something you're stuck with for life, and mislabelling the symptoms of ADHD as disorders that you can fix gives you false hope that one day, if you try really really hard, all of this will go away and you'll just be "normal" again and everything will click into place. I was failing all of my subjects, but I convinced myself that this inability to work through it was just a barrier I could overcome if I worked at it, because it was caused by depression, so eventually I would feel better and it would go away and I'd be able to magically fix my grades. But ADHD doesn't work like that. You can't prevent it; you can only learn coping mechanisms. The realisation that my inability to perform to the standards expected of me because I could just Not Do What Was Being Asked Of Me, even simple things like a worksheet or a research task, was not something I could just power through, brought about the realisation that the path I'd set out for myself of getting qualifications, going to university, getting a degree, etc. was impossible because the kind of things that were expected of me were things ADHD would not allow me to do, which was and still is crushing, and I've basically been forced to have to rethink. My entire future. And that fucking sucks. And all it comes down to really is that I wish I'd been diagnosed sooner. (I'd like to talk about this more in depth at a later date but this post is already so long so I'm just gonna leave it here. Basically: if you've been diagnosed with depression or anxiety but you suspect you may have ADHD, please assess your symptoms and see which they fit into best. You may have been misdiagnosed. It'll save you a lot of time and stress.)

3) RSD!!!!! IT'S NOT FUN!!!! I don't wanna talk about this too much because it just makes me sad but yeah I had no idea this was a thing until one of my friends with ADHD pointed it out to me and it was like the mist cleared and for the first time I saw clearly what the fuck had been going on with my stupid brain for the last however many years. RSD fucking sucks man. I've lost friends over it. I've missed out on a lot of experiences because of it. If you have been diagnosed with anxiety but you suspect you have ADHD, I am BEGGING you to read up on RSD. It's a very specific type of anxiety exclusive to ADHD and it definitely called me out more than once.

4) (I cant do much more of this because my head is killing me but I'm trying my best ok) hyperfixations!!!!! they rule my life!!!!!! and every single one is bigger than the last!!! every single time I get a new hyperfixation I'm like "I'll never care about anything else as much as I care about this" and then six months later I CARE ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE MORE. IT'S NEVERENDING. ADHD brains are wired to think about one thing All The Fucking Time, so everything makes me think of good omens. just like everything made me think of pacific rim this time last year. everything can be related to the hyperfixation. there are no exceptions. looking back on my childhood I definitely had a lot of hyperfixations that went unchecked, like the one with the hunger games when I was 11 where I would force my friends to play pretend games where we murdered each other in the fields behind our houses.....that and like. dinosaurs. basically every year or so I reshape my entire personality around a new obsession. I cannot just Enjoy things. I must Become them. and no one else gets it!!! NO ONE ELSE GETS IT. I get made fun of a lot by people around me for getting so excited and emotional all the time over seemingly tiny little things, which in turn plays into the RSD (ADHD is its own worst enemy for fucking real), which is why I enjoy being here so much. because like....everyone else is exactly the same. and I'm really thankful to have found people who feel things as strongly and care as much as I do. so....thanks for that everyone

if you want me to talk about anything else or go into more detail I would be very happy to but unfortunately it is 2am and I have a splitting headache and also I've typed nonstop for about an hour now and that's more than the stupid hyper dumbass idiot brain usually allows and now I'm exhausted lmao....but thank you for taking interest in this and I hope this. idk. helps in some way??? gn

#adhd #long post #ask

54 notes · View notes