#ive been asked if I'm literally everything and have never actually fit into any one group so

[richmond-rex]

I'm not really interested in the War of the Roses but I was reading up on Edward IV lately and his 1475 will regarding Elizabeth Woodville is SO INTERESTING and endearing. I noticed a couple of things - 1) he calls her "dearest wife" like 5 times lol (along with "most entirely beloved wife" and "Elizabeth the queen in whom we singularly put our trust), 2) you mentioned books but he also seems to have basically given her all his goods - bedding, tapestries, ornaments etc 3) he mentions twice(!) that she should be able to do whatever she wants with them without the interruption of any other executors, 4) from what I understand he made her his primary executor? She's first on the list, 5) he made her guardian of their children, and I think that includes the crown prince? It definitely included their daughters.

The will was made 10+ years after their marriage which is interesting imo because I wasn't very aware of this era before but almost everything I've heard makes it seem as though he married her purely due to lust/desire. I've also seen several claims that his passion for her faded over time - which really doesn't explain their 10 children in 19 years but whatever. His affection and consideration of her is pretty evident in his will, and I saw a post about his reconstruction work in 1482 where he once again refers to her very endearingly (in a renovation document of all places 😂) and seems to have built their rooms very close together. I searched a bit about his mistresses as well because of his reputation and found it VERY strange that while contemporary reports mention his womanizing, there's literally no actual mention of any specific singled out women during his reign itself? It's very different from several former kings and their mistresses - after all, More's writing is not contemporary and was written (I think) three decades later, I can't find any continued emphasis on Jane Shore during Edward's actual reign. I wonder if the Croyland Chronicle, which was contemporary and stated that he had incredibly short term affairs and lost interest soon after (directly contradicting what More says), is perhaps closer to the truth? We'll never know I guess, although that itself is quite revealing considering how much more we know of other kings. Though like you mentioned, whatever the case was, judging by their many children, he very clearly still paid attention to his wife.

Correct me if I'm wrong about anything lol, im not familiar with this time period and thought I'd send this ask because I found his 1475 will very endearing

(Also Hannah Dodd is is a SPECTACULAR Elizabeth of York, you've found the perfect casting choice for her!)

[In response to this ask]

Hi! I agree with you, it seems like Elizabeth Woodville and Edward IV had a very companionate marriage! I will just make a few observations: 1) It seems to have been conventional for the king to refer to the queen as his 'dearest wife', 'our most beloved consort' etc in formal documents. I know Henry VII only ever referred to Elizabeth of York in such terms, but from what I've seen it is also true of his predecessors. It doesn't contradict the fact those men may well have truly loved their wives, though, of course! 2) I had a look at his will before answering the previous ask, and it seems like Edward IV left Elizabeth not all of his stuff but hers, the objects that were already in her possession and that according to his will should remain in her possession after his death. It's not a matter-of-fact procedure, because husbands were legally entitled to dispose of their wives' possessions as they saw fit at the time. So Edward could have left them to his mother, for example, but he made sure that no one could take Elizabeth's possessions from her. Incredibly, I've seen ricardians actually accuse Elizabeth of theft for taking her stuff to Westminster Abbey when she sought sanctuary there.

The post this person is commenting on also refers to the incident as 'looting'. That was literally her stuff, the stuff that her husband had secured for her in his will, even. He also gave her the keeping of all of his children (though that's not exactly the same as legal guardianship). And yes, she seems to have been the main executor of his will, especially given that Edward explicitly said that he ‘moost singulerly put oure trust’ in her.

About Jane/Elizabeth Shore, it's difficult to pinpoint when she turned up in Edward's court. More said she interceded for the merchants of London. Still, strictly speaking in contemporary terms, it is clear that Shore had some political power because Richard made such a case of neutralising and humiliating her (why focus on her so much if she was completely powerless). It's possible the Croyland continuator didn't want to dwell on Edward's misconduct too much (even when criticising Richard's allegedly libidinous Christmas party the continuator said he didn't really want to talk about it, so he asked 'why enlarge?'), but at the same time, it's also clear Shore never came close to displacing Elizabeth as the most important woman of the realm, and that Edward was still intimate with his wife up to the last years of his reign (when she was already in her forties, and after she had already given him an heir and a spare).

To sum up, although he refers to his wife in conventional terms, Edward IV clearly made a demonstration of trust in his last will. It's also clear he cared for her well-being and tried to provide so that she wouldn't suffer in material terms after his death.

About Hannah Dodd: I knooooow

#*cries in: i wish she would play elizabeth of york* #ask #anon #elizabeth woodville #edward iv

[bonesandthebees]

Ask game: 7, 15, 23, 43!

<3

- ❄️

snowflake!! ty for these they seem so fun!! also, i'll get to your analysis asks about stars soon, i've actually been busy writing the next stars chapter for the past few days but i'll make sure to answer them before i finish and post the chapter

7. Any worldbuilding you’re particularly proud of?

literally all of the worldbuilding in stars which I think is obvious lmao. I think some of the aspects I'm most proud of for that though is just how well everything fits together? like, how the backstory for zephys iv and the antarctic empire influences the personalities of phil and techno and how the changes the entire dynamic of how sbi interacts, or the contrasts between eldingvegr and zephys iv in design and atmosphere because of these differing histories, etc etc. also just the science behind a lot of the planets, especially eldingvegr. like the way the winds work because of the temperature contrast between the night and day side of the planet is super cool to me (and although we don't know it for sure, could be hypothetically scientifically accurate!) my fixation on astronomy i had when i was 15 really helped me out there lmao

15. What’s your favorite AU that you’ve written?

this is so hard because all my aus are soooo different. like if we're going from a worldbuilding standpoint? probably either stars or the someone else's dream universe because that's some of the most unique and creative worldbuilding i've ever done. if we're going from a storyline standpoint i'd probably say stars. if we're going from a self indulgence standpoint then i'd say honey and tangerines. so it depends on the criteria for favorite au since all i write are wildly different aus lmao

23. What’s a trope, AU, or concept you’ve never written, but would like to?

well, i technically HAVE written a soulmate au before with the goose fic, but I haven't ever sat down and written a legit soulmate au before—at least not for this fandom—and i'd really like to! I actually have a one shot idea in the works for a platonic soulmate au with crimeboys, so we'll see if i end up finishing it :D i just love soulmate aus in general so idk why I don't write them that much

43. If you take/write prompts: what’s your favorite prompt fic that you’ve written?

this is a boring answer but i've never written from prompts before really. I guess I have in past fandoms when I've written for exchanges? but I've only done a few of those over my 7 years in fic writing. for one exchange years and years ago (not for dsmp) my only prompt was 'summertime' and 'it has to involve an animal' so i wrote a fic about the main ship running around a city at night trying to return a lost cat they'd found on top of a roof. it was very fun and i was super proud of the end result lol

ask game!

#snowflake anon #ask game #ask

[agentnotok]

How Did You Get A Handler, Exactly?

--

[Open to anyone who. Uh. Wants to try and handle... all of this.]

--

At least she got some warning.

That's the only thing Oklahoma can think as she closes the comm. It had been brief, although it still contained almost double the usual amount of information; for a medic there wasn't much detail that could or should be sent in a mission alert. Just, come, and where and when; and they'd sort out the details and the body count later.

First mission with your assistant. Briefing room A, ten minutes.

Room A, too. She never gets to go in there. It's usually busy with missions for the top twenty, which she is definitely not; the few glimpses she's gotten don't look like anything special, the briefing rooms are all identical, but still. Room A. Who do they have her with? Who could they possibly spare? She's getting anxious hives just thinking about it.

As she forces herself out of bed, her body protests. That last mission left her with two hairline fractures, a concussion, and--thanks to the need for several emergency transfusions--missing a third of her blood volume. Her left shoulder is still throbbing from the intraosseous line they'd had to place to give her IV fluids; that much blood loss meant her veins had practically retreated into her body, and there was no way they'd be able to hit one. She'd cried when they started the infusion, unable to even hold still-- one of the techs was holding her down, apologizing the entire time. She can still feel every place his hands rested. They're the only bits that don't hurt quite as bad.

But that was last mission; she's been fixed now. Six hours of sleep, a few liters of saline, a little biofoam for the fractures, and she's-- theoretically-- good as new! She winces as she zips up her blacks, tightening the close fitting, stretchy fabric over sensitive bruises, and starts putting the armor on, piece by piece. At this rate, it might actually take her the full ten minutes. She has to back up against the wall to get her chestplate to click into its locks; her shoulder just doesn't want to flex. She sighs. Whoever this "assistant" is, she's sure they aren't having this problem. Who could it be, anyway? Who was unlucky enough to be stuck with her? Is it some kind of punishment for them? She'd been assured it wasn't one for her...in fact, when she walked into the Director's office, that had been the first thing he said. His slow drawl had been almost comforting after getting yelled at so much on the way back from Chorus.

"You're not in trouble."

"Are you sure?"

She'd been on the verge of a panic attack all morning, and her voice shook, but she couldn't help questioning what sounded like a complete impossibility, not even when it meant questioning him.

"Oh, I'm very sure, Agent. You've done very well. Sent out to care for ten patients, and you carried a roster of... eleven, twelve? Outstanding." Was he being sarcastic? He must be. Had to be. Was he, though? She could never pick it up. It was always a guessing game.

"I didn't... I just... he was..."

"Once again, Agent, this is not a disciplinary meeting." He leveled those sad blue eyes at her and she did her best to maintain eye contact, even though it doubled her already splitting headache to do it. "In fact, not only did you do exceptionally well on your last mission, your performance has taught me several new things about you as an operative." That didn't sound good, but despite his slow, languid speaking style, he didn't leave her any room to explain herself. "Someone as hardworking and tenacious as you needs our support... some assistance, perhaps."

"Oh. That's-- that's very kind of you, sir, but um, I'm capable of handling everything on my own. The last thing I want to do is place any additional burden on the program."

"Burden? Perish the thought. You've been a great asset to the program so far, Agent-- even on Chorus," he added, seeming to anticipate what she wanted to ask. "Your persistence and dedication have been very..." his eyes got a faraway look for a moment, "...helpful, to the Project, and to me personally..."

That had caught her off guard. To him personally-- when? How? But he didn't give her a chance to ask.

"You've done a lot for us, Agent. Allow us to return the favor." It was not a request.

"....yessir?" she tried. There was no keeping her voice from rising at the end of the word. She was not the confident cocky spitfire that she'd like to be in this moment. She felt about two feet tall. But he gave her a big, slow smile that seemed to take ages to fill up his face... so she must have gotten it right.

"Excellent, Agent, excellent. I knew we could count on you."

Ah, that one she knew the right answer for. "Of course, sir. Always."

"Glad to hear it." His smile had brightened, and he had seemed almost a little relieved. "Dismissed."

Two missions later, they'd found her a lackey... or so she'd thought. Until they mentioned where they'd be meeting, and how little lead time she had to prepare. She had assumed they'd pull someone from the high 40s who wasn't doing anything at the moment; but clearly, that's not the case. She's a ball of anxiety as she arrives to the briefing room, still two minutes early, and goes inside to find a seat.

#rvb rp #gulp...

[hueningshaped]

beffie i'm about to start having trouble differentiating your replies from mine because we're literally 🧠🟰🧠 "u are most definitely right if it means that ur always right and correct <3" SHUTUPPPP how do you always best me i'm blushing so hard,,,. stop this madness . omg YES the GOGGLES!!!!!! although his short hair is gorgeous as well i have to admit that his long hair is my absolute favorite on him<3 my vacations are also only during summer+winter break and it's ALSO me visiting my family who lives far away😭😭 i think my number 1 fear is actually ... pigeons........ i hate them so much and they seem to know since they always come my way😐 plus i get kinda scared in the dark as well especially when i don't have my glasses on because then everything starts looking a little too human for my liking😀 and no stop because YOU'RE the funny one of us!!! it's all YOU!!!!! i'm always like 😆😆 when i read through your blog!! plus u invented using emojis in a cute way why am i the one receiving praise🤨 "u make me feel appreciated and its a not very familiar feeling" i am about wreak havoc because why are you not being told how amazing and lovely and adorable you are every second of the day❓❓also how did u literally read my mind THAT HYUKA PHOTOSHOOT!!!! it's the exact reason i chose blond as my favorite color on him because when i first saw it i could feel my breath getting fainter . he's so gorgeous it is unfair :/ no way you actually played the violing😭😭😭😭 it's always been one of the instruments i wanted to learn right alongside the piano!!! i can't believe this omg ALSO my mbti is infp!! i'm not very knowledgeable about mbti but from what i've read about the descriptions of mine it basically means having no grip on reality🫥🫥 it's very fitting LMAO do you like astrology?? i think it's super interesting and when i read through my chart i felt like i was being watched because why is it so accurate🤨 although i'm not very knowledgeable about astrology either but i love reading about it!! omg,,, a gift,,, i genuinely can't wait to listen to the playlist!!!!! thank😭you😭so😭much😭 plus the beoms</3 what did i do to deserve u😔 also!!! i've had this meme sitting in my notes since i saw that you like mitski and i meant to send it to you in my last ask but i completely forgot😐 stay happy and healthy bff I LOVE U!!!!!🫶🏻😽🌺🫂💘 -🧃

my sweet glorious 🧃i don’t mean to make myself sound smart or anything but SINCE OUR BRAINS ARE SO 🧠=🧠, i’m thinking it’s bc of big brain energy 😯 (have to keep my messages concise since tumblr is against our love letters 😔), BUT im very very sorry for again taking so long to get back to you ! i feel that there’s a threat of this becoming a habit but really it was due to another obstacle i had trouble getting over and uh😔 i want you to know i only ever thought about replying to you and the joy i feel from communicating with u but anyway i digress ~ long hair beomgyu was just so perfect ive never loved a hairstyle more in my life ! it’s also ur impeccable taste for liking bg and his hair and txt hehe and aw why must our families live far away :( well at least they provide vacations for us in seeing them but still i hope you enjoy yourself and have fun !! “when everything starts looking a little human” oh god that always terrifies meee but anyway no but seriously you’re the funny and iconic one ok ☹️ im but a button, just a button ! all my giggles and smiles are only used when reading ur message hehe therefore reading ur ask = +5 years of life btw you’re the one whos lovely and amazing adorable cool wonderful etc ok 😒 and i know for a fact !!! it can’t be refuted ~! and ive always wanted to learn the piano ugh !! do u have any other hobbies :0 im always talking about useless little things i do haha omg UR INFP!? every time i come across someone infp they’re always the coolest people ever (not clickbait ‼️) the way they perceive problems and how to solve and their perspectives [you] is very admirable to me :”) and ik very little about astrology >< im pretty curious about it all i know is im a capricorn what’s ur sign :0 there were a few playlists i considered so i hope that one is at least decent to listen to (when u have time^^) 🧸 hey i do nothing for u and the beoms are complimentary as always <3 OMG THAT MEME WHJFJSJ new fav meme :”) ty for sending it to me 🥹🥹 im on another trip out of town 😭 also do u like cats or dogs or do u have a preference 😨 sorry im asking such childish questions goshhhh also this tiktok made me laugh beomgyu so funny + this era 🥹❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥 and also this compilation of beomgyu going :> is so precious im sorry im not talking about anything really and this isn’t much of a nice reply to ur ask but i just think i talk too much and im just took xcited to have a message out there to let u know im answering and im here for u and i care about u so much i love you hopefully i get maintenance to go through my skull so i can go back to normal anyways i hope that you’re doing well and being happy and healthy always 🫶🏼 take care — all my love to you ♥️ ALSO WAIT DID U SEE BEOMGYU NEW BLACK HAIR??! i just saw as i was gonna hit send haha omg i wonder if soobin is going blond and i heard hyuka might go red 😯😯😯 ANYWAY te AMO <3 — beoms + the infamous flannel

#ask >3<

[scarlettkat86]

Character Study

Tagged by @slothssassin ty💜

I haven't developed her as much, and since I'm currently playing Breakpoint, I figure I'd go ahead, kinda an interview style. (Even if not many people are interested)

LAYER 01: THE OUTSIDE

NAME: Alanza Ignacia Romero, most know me as Nomad.

EYE COLOUR: Green

HAIR STYLE / COLOUR: Do you consider a ponytail a hairstyle? My hair's brown, shoulder length, slightly wavy if you ever get a chance to see me let it down.

HEIGHT: I'm ten foot tall and bulletproof. *chuckles* Ok, yeah my humor sucks, fine. I'm 5'6

CLOTHING STYLE: I'm a simple woman. Off duty, just a tshirt and a well worn pair of jeans, hoodie if it's cold. Otherwise I'm in uniform.

BEST PHYSICAL FEATURE: Uhhmm... does my tattoo count? Right. I suppose my eyes then.

LAYER 02: THE INSIDE

FEAR: loss. It never gets easier, whether it's death, or just someone you care about not being there anymore.

GUILTY PLEASURE: Listen, there's nothing like drinking straight from the carton or bottle.

BIGGEST PET PEEVE: when someone asks a question but doesn't listen to my answer.

AMBITIONS FOR THE FUTURE: Well I hope I can actually retire, and try to mend relationship with Lucas, that's my son. Things are just too uncertain right now though.

LAYER 03: THOUGHTS

FIRST THOUGHTS WAKING UP: fuck, everything hurts.

WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT MOST: mostly analyzing myself and actions, if I could've done something different to change the current outcome.

WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT BEFORE BED: Events of the day, Holt, Walker, Midas, Weaver... literally everything. There's nothing to distract my thoughts then.

WHAT THEY THINK THEIR BEST QUALITY IS: I know many will disagree, but I think it's my ability to compartmentalize. Im not an emotionless robot, it's just easier to get through each mission.

LAYER 04: EITHER OR

SINGLE OR GROUP DATES: *clears throat* You know, that's not really something I have the luxury of doing. But, to answer your question, you can get to know someone better one on one.

TO BE LOVED OR RESPECTED: Respect. Well it goes hand in hand really, but love is... a complicated thing.

BEAUTY OR BRAINS: if there's gonna be something more than a one off, they gotta have both. Beauty initially draws you in, but brains keep things going.

DOGS OR CATS: I don't have time for a pet, but dogs are loyal, can learn commands and can sense when something's off, so I'd pick a dog if I could.

LAYER 05: DO THEY

LIE: Certain situations require it.

BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES: for the most part, I do.

BELIEVE IN LOVE: I'd rather not talk about that.

WANT SOMEONE: *quietly whispers* even though I shouldn't.

LAYER 06: HAVE THEY

BEEN ON STAGE: yep

DONE DRUGS: Id be lying if I said no...it was for the altitude...

CHANGED WHO THEY WERE TO FIT IN: I'd like to think ive remained true to myself.

LAYER 07: WHAT'S THEIR

FAVORITE COLOR: black. It just goes well with anything

FAVORITE ANIMAL: mmm... any kind of bird.

FAVORITE BOOK: Things are always *waves hand around*, so anything light hearted, bonus if it's funny.

FAVORITE GAME: don't find myself playing games often. Drinking games with the crew like waterfall, or never have I ever. I do like old board games like life and monopoly. Maybe I stood check for one back in Erehwon.

LAYER 08: AGE

DAY THEIR NEXT BIRTHDAY WILL BE: Oct 25.

HOW OLD THEY WILL BE: I'll be 40.

LAYER 09: I...

I LOVE: Base jumping. Flying. My son, friends, Wal- ummhm...watching the sun rise or set.

I FEEL: conflicted

I HIDE: my emotions, I do crack from time to time though.

I MISS: the good ol days, from Fort Benning, to Bolivia. Even feelin a little homesick. *laughs* never thought I'd miss civilian life.

I WISH: well, there's a lot I wish for, but a wish can't come true if it's revealed, right?

Tagging @ghost-nomad-morena @rancorousmendez @firstaidspray (for mrs fianna creed if you wanna) @chyrstis @mel-eficent @pheedraws @fromathelastoveritaserum @shallow-gravy @nightwingshero @tomexraider @minilev @fluttyseed and @shelby-wa if yall wanna. No obligations. If you've been tagged, maybe you have another oc you'd like to share💜

#character study #oc: alanza ignacia romero #ghost recon oc #ghost recon breakpoint #long post #sorry y'all #no access to desktop rn

[transfemininomenon]

Hey, i'm actually a "truscum" i found out recently, but im a little confused on the whole ordeal. Im not even sure if i actually am truscum or not- because some posts seem to tie up with me being one but others dont, but i saw you were really against them, so i wanted to ask if you're okay with a friendly calm conversation about it? I am very confused and i just want to learn a bit more or find out if i'm wrong about the whole ordeal. Are you open to it?

i'll be honest im not sure how friendly i can be with this kind of conversation because i really truly genuinely, and i don't use this word lightly, Hate truscum and its hard for me to really be civil about the discussion. but for the sake of this and me giving you a lot of benefit of the doubt that this ask is in good faith i'll explain why i do not like the entire truscum ideology

1. i guess i'll start off with the Big One - the claim that dysphoria is Required to be trans. i'll preface this by saying that i am someone who has experienced, and currently Experiences in wildly different degrees depending on what is happening in my life, dysphoria throughout my entire life. i had my entire teenage and young adult years stolen from me by it. i won't get into details about it because that is a Very Very Personal subject for me, but needless to say dysphoria is something that was a very prevalent part of my life.

anyway. the notion that dysphoria is a Trans Requirement™ is something that i hugely disagree with. i used to think that me figuring out i was a trans woman was because i experienced dysphoria, but frankly the opposite is true. dysphoria is what made me refuse to believe i was a woman or could ever be one. it made me believe i was a man and that was all i would ever be. it wasn't until i really started experimenting with my gender and unpacking a lot of stuff i felt about myself that i started to finally realize the woman i was. i first started trying our she/her pronouns nearing four years now, and started using the name Alice a few months after that. being referred to as a woman & experimenting with different feminine things gave me such incredible feelings of euphoria that i still experience to this day whenever i discover something new about my identity.

and that is something ive heard from SO many other trans people i know. or different things too - i know people who are completely fine with their bodies, just certain words and terms never felt Right to them. because the thing with dysphoria is that it, like all things gender related, is a product of society. dysphoria only exists because transphobia exists - people are told that there are these two rigid things that you are and HERE is what makes you one of those things, and those things are drilled into you literally since birth. everything from colors to jobs to hobbies to cars to entertainment to clothing to Literally Everything is gendered, and when that happens then of fucking course there are gonna be people who don't fall in line with that, and when it's so instilled into people and seen as such societal norms of COURSE people are going to have trouble with that.

and that's not even getting into the subject of gender on a biological level. the fact of the matter is that the two sex system Isn't True and that biological sex is very complicated. intersex people exist, people with all kinds of different chromosomes exist, people of certain body types that have higher levels of different hormones exist, SO much goes into that subject that frankly narrowing it down to two things just doesn't Work

and that's the real problem at the end of the day. dysphoria only exists because of a fucked up gender binary that clashes with both biology and sociology. people are complicated on both a biological and personal level and having set binaries for things is bound to cause confusion & doubt.

like, people's identities are SUCH personal things in so many different ways. there isn't any Right Way™ to be trans. i know trans women with beards, trans women who have no interest in starting hrt, trans men who wear dresses and makeup, non-binary people who make no effort to be androgynous, i know SO many different identities and different people. because the fact is that there's no right way to be trans because nothing is inherently gendered including people's very bodies. people are themselves and there is no Right way to be themselves.

that's on top of the lack of education when it comes to the subject of gender. such a huge part too of me figuring out i was trans was literally learning that it was even a fucking option. i genuinely didn't know just Being A Girl was an option. reading up on gender stuff and researching the different idea of transitioning was intrinsic in my figuring out who i was because oh shit turns out there are people like me and that is Okay.

like, dysphoria literally could've been a non-issue for me. i could've lived in a world where i could just Exist and enjoy whatever i wanted without it being weird. i could've decided so much sooner that i wasn't happy with the way my body was growing and not spent my entire teen years being so confused why i was so sad seeing my girl peers. i could have from the start just gotten to be a girl and never have had dysphoria be part of the equation.

im not trans being i experience dysphoria. im trans because being a woman is rad as hell and it's what i wanted. im trans because changing my name to Alice was the biggest moment of my entire life. im trans because rebelling against the societal restraints of gender is fucking metal. im trans because my friends can't even remember me ever not being me now. im trans because im a great older sister. im trans because god nerfed me and i said nah thanks man but im not feeling it.

my identity and my gender are very personal and complicated things, and narrowing it down to "i experience dysphoria" is frankly insulting to me.

anyway, that's the big point out of the way, so here's some shorter ones

2. this is kinda expanding on the last point, but truscum both insisting non-binary people aren't a thing and them insisting "transtrenders" exist is hmm Bad

the sheer fact of the matter is the concept of being non-binary has existed from the oldest known records of human history on TOP of that concept being prevalent in many different cultures so what do ya know there's a healthy dose of racism involved in the denial of non-binary people. the gender binary is such a western concept and there are SO many different cultures where different gender identities exist.

and, frankly, going back to the above point that gender is fucking Fake and is a societal concept - again, of fucking course there are going to be people who see a rigid set of rules on gender and are like "well wait that doesn't fit me" so of COURSE non-binary people exist

on the subject of "transtrenders" i feel like i shouldn't even HAVE to get into this subject because of how inherently transphobic it is. the concept doesn't exist. there are people who experiment with their gender and then decide their assigned one is fine. there are people who go through all kinds of different identities. there are people who come out as a different gender and then revert back due to backlash. there are people who get told the way they present their gender is the Wrong Way™ and get branded a trender. it's a dangerous thought process that literally does nothing but serve the cis status quo and make people afraid to experiment and think about their identities.

3. the idea that Those Evil Trenders™ are stealing resources from the Real Trans People™ is, frankly, fucking bullshit. issues when it comes to trans people finding difficulty accessing healthcare comes from a transphobic society hellbent on denying us care on top of fucked up healthcare systems in general. hormones aren't some limited quality hard to acquire thing - when i started hrt transferring my prescription from my clinic to my local pharmacy was a non-issue because it's something basically any pharmacy will have for ALL kinds of different purposes. it's an issue because healthcare in general is a god damn Mess on TOP of inherent transphobia

and, frankly, truscum are directly involved in that transphobia in the medical field. unless you find an informed consent clinic you're going to have to jump through all kinds of hoops to prove you're Actually Trans™ by getting referrals from other (almost always cis) people and then get put on ridiculous waitlists to make sure you're not about to change your mind. that kind of attitude is only encouraged by truscum and it is one of the biggest source of trans people having such difficulty accessing healthcare.

4. truscum as far as im concerned are no different than any other transphobe. two years ago before i started hrt i was harassed by truscum multiple times, each time having them tell me i wasn't trans, that i was just a trender, and it genuinely boggles my mind that anyone thinks misgendering me because i disagreed with their ideology is Woke, actually. I've seen so many fellow trans women getting called men by truscum who disagreed with them. i was actively told i shouldn't start hrt because i "wasn't really trans and was gonna ruin my life"

i really hope all of people live in anger every day knowing ive been on hrt over a year and a half and am fucking Thriving

anyway that's all i got to say on the matter i realize my points became less thought out as it went on but frankly the first point is enough for me to not like truscum

(please refrain from reblogging this i don't want any clowns in my inbox)

[anarkhebringer]

hi i'm back, can i get some more modern felix stuff please? just anything you can think of would be perfect!

Hiiiii nonny, welcome back~~~

But anyway yee, you may have a lot of random modern Felix stuffs. I’m always happy to deliver. I’m gonna try to not make it too long, but it’s already a mile long now by the time I’ve made most of the main points so I might as well just roll with it a bit. This is definitely gonna be a very long read.

Living with his aunt for the number of years he has eventually led him to developing an occasional southern drawl when he speaks, since his aunt has one. It’s a very rare thing though, and almost never happens. When it does though, he HATES IT.

The influences on his speaking from his aunt mostly shows in his wording of things, since sometimes when he gets spirited about something he says “y’all” and such all the time. One time when Sylvain was just being Sylvain, and neither Felix nor Ashe could calm him, Felix just muttered “y’all’re gonna bleed me dry someday…” Sylvain and Ashe thought it was the cutest fuckin’ thing, and Sylvain calmed down after that. Neither mentioned the drawl though since they quickly learned from hearing stories that Felix will get really pissed if you tease him about it or even mention it too much for his tastes. Which is just mentioning it at all.

He’s not easily scared at all, but just walking past him wrong can make him jolt from being startled sometimes. That’s something from his traumas that’s finally starting to come to the forefront that couldn’t before, since he could suppress everything that hindered his progress in combat, but he can’t do that anymore.

He’s gotten to be a person who can really enjoy his leisure due to his really deep dive into depression that happened after he got his ability to be in combat taken away from him. He and Linhardt could have had a competition to see who can fall asleep while standing up and stay standing the longest. He has medication that helps keep him awake enough to not be able to do that anymore though, but he has really bad insomnia now as a result of his completely chaotic and inconsistent sleeping schedule. His stress wrinkles in the inner corners of his eyes are completely covered by the dark circles under them now that really shows his wear and exhaustion.

He won’t at all complain if he’s given a task to do by someone that isn’t in his household, and it’ll keep his mind active and keep his mood in a positive place if he isn’t overworked. He does get drained way easier now though if what he’s asked to do involves socializing or interacting with anyone in any way too much.

When he’s drained socially, he becomes very aggressive and unstable. He’ll get like he used to be and completely isolate, and lash out if you interrupt what he’s doing and you don’t want to actively participate. He’d still get mad that you interrupted him though, and he probably won’t let you participate unless you’re among a certain handful of people.

Ashe and Claude are the only two people who don’t mentally drain him whatsoever, and he could see them literally every day if they wanted to do that. Ashe because Felix cares for him so much, and Claude because they’re so similar. He and Claude don’t drain each other because they can go literal months without speaking, then pick up on what they left off on like they only stopped talking for a day or two. Same with Ashe, though Felix becomes slightly noticeably more down and sad when he doesn’t see Ashe for too long a timespan.

He has a secret love of cuddling, and also hides his full support of platonic PDA, cuddling, and even kisses and such if there’s enough mutual trust between the ones involved. He’s very touch-averse and sensitive to others touching him, so he only really lets Ashe, Claude, and Sylvain touch him to show affection. Only Ashe can do much, and he only really tolerates Sylvain’s occasional one-armed hugs or quick pats on the shoulder as he walks by. Ashe however can hug him (after making his desires to do so known of course), hold his arms, and even his hands, since Ashe is the kind to show affection by physical means whenever he’s allowed to do so. They even cuddle at night when Ashe stays overnight at his apartment.

He actually lets Sylvain cuddle with him too when Sylvain really needs the affection during hard times, though he never returns it unless he does so while he’s asleep. It’s become a comforting thing to wake up to, feeling the warmth of Sylvain against him and his arms wrapped around Felix’s frame, even though Felix didn’t really want it to become that. At first, anyway.

His depressive rut wasn’t all bad in some cases, and because of the isolation he went into, he’s become extremely artistic and tech savvy since he didn’t have much to do to occupy himself. Being extremely brainy as is really helped him get going with these things.

He’s also learned to hack and code on the computer from that rut too, and he could get you into anything you wanted him to. He knows all sorts of ways to hide himself under all sorts of circumstances, and clear his tracks if he’s found, so he could actually be extremely dangerous if he were to use this knowledge and skill for anything shady. The most he uses it for is to make modifications to games and explore the Dark Web as anonymously as possible when his morbid curiosities get the best of him, though.

Well, there have been times where he’s used his skills to scare people. There have been times where people have threatened his friends (namely Claude and Ashe), and to scare the bullies off, he hid himself and hacked into their devices to make text documents warning them to stay away or else there would be trouble, because they’re always being watched. That always managed to scare them off on the first try, and he’s never done anything more than that, because there was no need.

He’s super protective of what few friends he has. He’d willingly put himself in danger for them all the time, unless of course they got themselves into the mess they’re in and he feels they don’t really deserve to be helped out of a situation that’ll be them learning their lesson. Otherwise, he’s borderline obsessed with his friends’ safety and happiness. It’s hard to really see that outside of sudden outbursts from him, since he’s so averse to socialization and unable to understand/express emotions well, but if he’s really needed and he can mentally handle it, you’d best believe he’d be completely focused on doing whatever he could do to help a friend in need for as long as they needed him.

Stuff like this has his friends really knowing who he is eventually, and he doesn’t like that. He’s actually really nice, but his way of showing it isn’t exactly common. Onlookers would think he’s just indifferent unless he’s feeling particularly chipper and/or manic, but his friends get to be on the receiving end of conversation and see him do more personal things compared to others, so they know he’s far nicer than even he thinks he is. He’s become oddly patient compared to his old self, and can hold a conversation for a while longer than he used to. If you get him talking about certain topics, though, you could manage to talk with him for literal hours on end.

He’s overall pretty chill now. Depression has taken the constant explosive anger out of him. He’s still always angry and bitter to some degree, but not to the point of lashing out at every little thing that upsets him. He’s still just as blunt as he was before, but he’s become a lot more passive-aggressive and/or condescending when it shows, instead of sudden outbursts and hurling insults around at all turns. And to those who have received both from him, the current version of his aggression hurts them a lot more, since he shows so little emotion during the times he throws something out to hurt them. All they see is (sometimes) in his body language, and the bitter fogginess in those eyes from how empty he’s become. Even his tone has changed. He’s not as aggressive sounding unless he’s more angry than usual, but he’s got a bitter tone. Or worse, he sounds almost monotone, like he feels absolutely nothing. If he’s got the tone of voice he used to have before, know that he’s on the verge of snapping and lashing out, and that goes from angry sounding to yelling at any time. And he yells loud.

He tends to cry a bit more than he used to now, since he gets overstimulated really easily. He can hold it in around other people most of the time unless it’s particularly overwhelming and getting even worse. It sometimes reminds Sylvain of when they were kids, but then he feels bad thinking of it like that since Felix has more going on in his head than he did back then. He’s trying to work on stopping that association, and he’s starting to get better at not thinking of Felix when he was a kid when he cries.

He used to parade around talking about how he wasn’t one to laugh and joke, but nowadays he’s not like that anymore. He still won’t joke often, and jokes go right over his head and he doesn’t get it and may ruin it usually, but he lets himself laugh at things he finds funny. Not around other people, though. Unless it’s from something else he finds funny, like a YouTube video. His laugh is like an odd mix between Vinny from Vinesauce, Bluesdank, and FPS Diesel. He’s the rare kind of person that’ll laugh in 10 different ways in one sitting and them all be real laughter. The sound of his laughter isn’t too consistent at times.

There’s another reason he can’t do much anymore aside from his depression, and that’s because a year or so ago he had a fit of smaller seizures that shocked his system really bad because of how long it lasted. After that, his mental regression that was already happening because of what he has has gotten much faster in its progression.

Despite these new growing limits he has, he’s still doing his best to keep going and existing on doing what he can do with what he has, and he’s shifted from being solely focused on a person’s skills in battle to how much heart they have due to it. He won’t care about combat skills anymore if you aim to impress him, he cares more about what you bring to the table. Your skills with a sword don’t show what you put your heart into in life and what you do for yourself and others. If you wanna impress him, give him a gift from the heart, not anything store bought. Do something nice for someone. Draw him a picture, write him a letter, pick him some flowers you think he’d like. Maybe take him to the park? Talk to him about your interests, voice your opinions on what you enjoy. Something that you can put your heart into, and I can’t stress it enough. He cares about a person’s core more than their fighting prowess now. He’s sworn off of focusing so much on fighting forever since he got the ability to do so himself taken form him, and he refuses to still dwell on it with others, too.

Alright, that’s gonna be where I cut it off for now. Hopefully that was a good read. I’ve made Felix go through some shit in this AU, but hey, he’s one of the characters I picked to put a theme of healing and strength onto, so I gotta give him some lore to get him to the point of being so different now. Plus a softer Felix makes me warm inside, so I wanted to incorporate that in, too.

#asks #anonymous #long post #Fire Emblem AU #FE Modern AU #Fire Emblem Three Houses #Felix Hugo Fraldarius #FE3H Felix #AU info #AU headcanon

[dxmedstudent]

Hi dx, I'm starting med school this fall and moving to Ireland to do so! Ive got chronic fatigue though and Im worried about being able to manage the workload. Im on meds so I'm doing pretty well, working 10 hour days rn with a 2 hour commute, but im pretty drained at the end of it. Have you or any of your followers got any suggestions for handling med school when youre just so tired all the time?

And another ask:Hi, following on from the anon asking about studying, do you have any specific tips for studying medicine with chronic fatigue? I find sitting in lectures (and the journey to and from) drains me even more than I am usually. Thanks and have a great day!            Hey, peeps! So I have someone important in my life who has gone through a chronic fatigue condition in med school. I’ve seen a lot through what they went through, but I wanted to be able to give a more useful answer. I took a little time to think, and to ask them what advice they would give.  They gave me permission to share an edited version with you.

It is possible to get through medical school with chronic health problems. Don’t let other people tell you otherwise. You may encounter people who doubt you, but never let them get to you. Remember that many people with chronic illness have achieved great things and it doesn’t have to be a barrier to  success. 

There is usually a way to get through whatever obstacle comes up. The key is to take everything literally one day at a time, and do not get overwhelmed by thinking about all the demands for the year at once. Focus on what needs to be done right now. Next week is another     week. 

Let  yourself have setbacks, and don’t give up when you have worse periods of health. There will be times when you’re more tired and stressed, but you have to give yourself space to recover back from that. Remember that everyone, whatever their health status, has bad times, and that usually they will pass. If things aren’t getting better, talk to your family, friends, personal tutor at university.  Seek help with clincians.

Keep in touch with your fatigue clinicians and be open about new obstacles and your fears about things. They can help with a lot of problem-solving aspects and support you during times of difficulty. They are also useful to rant to when you are stressed out as they know a lot about the problems of people with CFS who they’ve seen in clinical practice. 

Consider reading books on CBT and acceptance commitment therapy (ACT) - these have really helped me through psychologically difficult situations and build resilience when medical school has thrown difficult things at me. In the hardest year of medical school it really helped to have written advice to look at when various situations came up. 

Tell the university (occupational health, senior tutor, personal tutor etc.) - I cannot stress this enough. It is confidential, and they have to   accommodate you because it is a disability. This can become really important if you have issues completing sign-offs/assignments on time, getting hospital placements closer to home, getting extra time in exams etc. It can also be useful if you have problems with exams (not being well enough to do a sitting) for the university to know what is going on and how best they can help you. If they do not know what is going on, then they cannot help you. This is one of the best things I did at medical school in terms of having a safety net for when things were more difficult. 

Do not feel you have to attend 100% of everything. If you are feeling very   fatigued and not gaining much by that point in the day, it is usually     better to go home and do some quality studying at home. So many students who have no health problems will go home early, so do not feel guilty for doing so when you feel fatigued and like you’re not having a good day. Just remember to catch up what you’ve missed. 

Talk to the students in the year above about what the demands of the coming year are like, what the exams are like, what textbooks/resources to use,  and other *off the record* tips which the university would never tell you. This will help you out in planning how to approach the work for that year. It is very important to know what you’re preparing for and the best way in which to do it. 

On placement, talk to the teaching fellow/head of the placement if you have any issues completing tasks or sign-offs etc. They can help you and give you advice about how to get things done. This has been of great comfort to me during placements where sign-offs have been very tricky and I’ve worried about whether or not I will complete everything. Also ask how previous students did it - you’re not the first cohort who’s gone through the system. 

Let yourself adjust the intensity of your concentration when attending     lectures/seminars. Some days you’ll be able to be at your highest level of     functioning, and other days you may feel less functional.  Your levels might look something like:

Highest  level: concentrate/listen, participate/answer questions, write down notes.

Medium: concentrate/listen, no writing or participating.

Low: zoning out some of the time (5 mins etc), prioritising more important slides or mentally checking in again when possible. 

Use breaks during lecture days to really give yourself a breather. It is best to physically leave the space where the lecture took place, ideally go to a canteen and have a snack (food and drink are very important for boosts), or go outside (fresh air is important). Let your brain truly wonder and do  something not related to university or teaching. Don’t hang around with peers unless they talk about things which are less brain intensive or   non-university topics. 

Take on a reasonable workload during group assignments, and don’t let other students foist extra work or their work on you. Be strict about your role and that you will not do their work for them. 

E-books (textbooks) - either download pdfs and upload on google drive etc. or buy on kindle etc. This is VERY useful for reading and studying whilst out and  about for medical school, and fitting in revision during parts of the day which are empty/less busy. There are often quite a few times where you will be waiting around between teaching/clinics/hospital activities and if you use your time wisely you can really get a lot done. You can also read on public transport when commuting which is a good use of that time too.This becomes especially important close to exams where time management is key. This is one of the best things I did. 

Pacing - plan for deadlines in advance. If you have sign offs/essays/histories to do, space them out and plan everything in advance. Make a plan and stick to it, but be flexible enough to change things around if you don’t feel up to doing a particular task on that day. Make sure it is realistic personal timetable, and has time for you to attend university, study and complete assignments/sign-offs, as well as relaxation/social time.

 If you feel you are doing too much, cut back and do the bare minimum of what you need to do. Whilst it is nice to aim high and everyone at medical school is crazy competitive, the aim is to pass and go into the next year, and complete the degree. Scraping passes = still a doctor. Many people forget this, but the priority is to get by and become a competent doctor. You are doing what you can do, and you don’t need to get a Distinction in all your exams to be a good doctor. 

Do  not feel guilty for not being able to work as hard necessarily as other   students can all the time. Be proud of yourself for being there and for     doing something so difficult as medical school in the first place. Medical     school is very hard even for people who do not have any problems with     their health. There is really nothing wrong with coasting along and doing    just what needs to be done. It can be frustrating to not be able to do     more, but tell yourself that you’ve done your 100% which is all you can     give at this current time. Sometimes you’ll be able to do more, and     sometimes you’ll be able to do less. But don’t feel guilty about it. Know     that you are doing your best and that’s all that you can do. 

Similarly, everyone feels they are not doing enough/like they don’t know enough. Doctors on placements will also occasionally have a go at you, not  realising that actually for your level you do know enough. You may feel you like you’re not enough, but the truth is that everyone feels like     that. Many people at med school act like everything’s fine but underneath  the surface, we’re all working very hard and tired. 

You     are not alone - many people at med school have either physical or mental     health problems. They are all also battling through the challenges and you     are not alone in your difficulties. Remind yourself of that and know that     everyone is on their own journey/battle. 

Believe in the work-life balance Pie chart - Everyone should ideally have equal time in their day dedicated to 1/3  cognitive, 1/3 self care and 1/3 social activity. In med school, the latter two may fall back a bit even for students with no health problems, but it is very important for these things to be done consistently during med school. “If you can’t look after yourself, you won’t be able to look after other people”. The only way you can achieve your goals and look after patients etc is by looking after yourself (with the pie chart) and keeping yourself in the best health possible. 

Cognitive:studying, reading, academic extracurriculars, any activity where the mind is actively involved. 

Self care: pampering yourself, hobbies, leisure activities, exercise/yoga,     playing with pets, praying/worship etc. 

Social: going out with family or friends. Relationships. Support groups.     Societies/clubs etc. 

Join  support groups either in real life or on Facebook - it is really useful to have somewhere to rant about issues which specifically affect people with  CFS/ME, and to have their support when you have a hard day. Family and friends will not always understand everything you’re going through, even with the best of intentions, so it’s important to have peers with CFS/ME on those occasions. 

Don’t be afraid to turn down going out or doing extra things in the day if     you’re really not up to it. Better to keep yourself at a functioning level     than overdoing it because you feel you *should* be doing something. It’s    best to be honest with yourself about what you can do today. 

Learn to say no - if other people ask you to do things and you are feeling   overwhelmed at the time from work/personal life, do not feel bad about     saying no if you have reached your limit of how much you can cope. Do not  feel guilty about this, and realise that it is crucial to not take on too     much at once, in looking after your health for your ability to get through     medical school. People can and will ask you to do things either not     realising that it’s over your coping limits or not caring. You have to learn to put yourself first and forward and know your limits - it is not worth the payback which can inevitably happen when we overdo our limits.     Medical school does not give you a lot of time to rest or recover, so you     really have to make sure you keep yourself functional and within your     limits. 

Work  steadily during the year - if you have fatigue then you cannot leave   things last minute and cope with the physical and mental stress of this.     Make sure you are making notes and keeping up during the year, and     increase your revision before exams to a comfortable level. Be careful not  to overdo it in terms of number it hours a day, as most likely you will     lose your concentration and not absorb the information anyway. Best to do revision in chunks, with breaks and other things to break up the day. If the next day you get payback, it’s a sign to dial back the number of hours of revision. Even if you’re doing less hours of revision than you planned, if you’re better focused and rested you will pick up more information.     “Quality not quantity”. 

I hope this helps! Good luck with your studies, and I hope that things go well for you in the coming year.

#askdx #ask dx #chronic illness #fatigue #i-cant-promise-that

[asroarke]

Hey Alex. Your fics completely cheer up whenever I'm in a depressive state. I've read them all so many times. They're incredible. Unfortunately, my boyfriend broke up with me a month ago I guess hes an ex now and I'm confused and broken and Ive been listening non stop to ed sheeran's song "Happier". I was wondering if you could write post break up bellarke fic based kinda on the song, but with a happy ending from bellamys pov? I need a pick me up and a little bit of hope in my life tbh..

I’m really sorry to hear about your break up! That’s rough. Also, side note, that song made me cry. I had never heard it before. So, the happy ending is kind of ambiguous in this fic, but I fully intended for you to assume that the last conversation goes well and they end up back together. I hope you like it! It ended up being more angsty than I had originally planned. [ao3]

He wasn’t planning on stopping by Octavia’s party, using thefact that he was working late as his excuse. But when Pike announced thatBellamy could clock out early, he knew that he had to at least swing by. IfOctavia found out that his schedule opened up and he didn’t stop by, he’d neverhear the end of it.

It wasn’t like Clarke ever stayed at parties long, anyway.He probably wouldn’t even see her. She likely left an hour ago, since she was probablytoo tired from a shift at the hospital or had one early tomorrow morning. So,he took a few deep breaths before heading over to his sister’s apartment.

The party was still raging on when he walked through the door,and Miller immediately put a beer in his hand. “How have you been?” he asked,and Bellamy just shrugged. Miller looked over at Jackson, and Bellamy didn’tmiss the concerned look they exchanged. Yeah, they were worried about him, buthe was fine.

“There you are!” Octavia shouted before he heard the soundof her loud feet rushing toward him. He turned to be ready for her hug, chucklingquietly at her excitement to see him. “Isn’t this a fun party? You’re so happyyou came, right?” she asked, her words slurring together, and he had to fightnot to roll his eyes. She was drunk.

“Yes,” he replied, patting her on the head as he surveyedthe room. No sign of Clarke, thank God. He wouldn’t know what he would say toher if he saw her again. It was inevitable that he would, so he probably shouldfigure something out. But he needed more time to get over the sting of losingher.

He plastered on a smile as Octavia dragged him through theapartment by his hand and introduced him to all her work friends he hadn’t metyet. She ditched him to go whine to Lincoln about something, and Bellamysettled in next to Murphy as he downed the last of his beer. He looked over hisshoulder into the kitchen, spotting those fake margarita beer drinks that Octaviahad recently gotten upset with and let out a sigh. “The good stuff is out onthe patio,” Murphy explained, and he let out a sigh of relief.

“Thank God,” he muttered before making his way out there.

He probably should have known that there would be one or twopartygoers who would be out there. It’s the only quiet place to be at anOctavia Blake party. Bellamy had ducked out here enough times to know that.

But nothing could have prepared him for finding Clarke andRoan out there together.

He freezes for a moment at the sight of Clarke curledup against him with her legs in his lap. It took him a moment to realize thatshe was asleep, and he probably would have laughed at the fact that ClarkeGriffin fell asleep at yet another party if it weren’t for the fact that shewas literally sleeping on Roan.

He clenched his jaw as he fished out a beer from the cooler.He shouldn’t actually be surprised. He and Clarke broke up. She was going tostart seeing other people. He couldn’t have pushed her away any harder, if hewas being honest with himself. But Bellamy had somehow put the prospect ofClarke moving on out of his thoughts, meaning he was blindsided by this.

“Oh hey, man,” Roan said, tearing his eyes away from hisphone to nod at Bellamy. Bellamy nodded back, grinding his teeth together as hedid. Without a word, he walked back into the apartment and took a seat at theempty kitchen table, one of the few spots in the room that gave him a decentview of what was happening on the patio. Maybe he just wanted to torturehimself, but he couldn’t seem to keep his eyes off the two of them as Roan’shand traced up and down Clarke’s back.

“Didn’t you start this whole thing?” Jasper asked as he saton the table, swinging his legs back and forth so that he occasionally hitBellamy.

“Yes,” he huffed, and Clarke started to stir outside. Sherubbed her eyes as she pushed herself up, and Roan put his phone down to saysomething that caused Clarke to erupt into laughter. His chest panged as he sawher bright smile. He couldn’t even remember the last time he saw her smile likethat.

“So, why are you acting like she broke up with you?” Jaspermuttered, and Bellamy took his eyes off Clarke for a moment to glare up at him.

“Jasper, I’m not in the mood,” he snapped. When his eyesreturned to the window, Roan and Clarke had stood up and were facing away fromhim. Both her hands were braced on the railing in front of her, but Roan wasstill rubbing her back.

The fact that it was Roan shouldn’t have surprised Bellamy.He had always had the suspicion that Roan was attracted to Clarke, and it wasn’tlike he could blame Clarke for becoming interested in him once she becamesingle. He was an attractive guy, one that her mother would definitely approveof. He’d probably fit more into Clarke’s world than Bellamy ever did.

Jasper was still mumbling something when Bellamy pushed awayfrom the table. He wasn’t going to sit there all night watching theex-girlfriend he was still in love with flirt with Roan, so he ducked into thekitchen, which was empty. He hopped up onto the counter and let out a breath.

He tried to distract his mind, but the image of themtogether kept popping up in his head again. Bellamy could see them together soclearly, now. Roan didn’t pick fights with Clarke like Bellamy did, no, he wasfar more relaxed and easygoing. He was also not the kind of guy to screw aroundwhen it came to talking about how he felt. Clarke must love that since shedoesn’t have to guess what Bellamy’s thinking anymore or deal with his freakouts when things got a little too serious. She found herself someone who wouldbe upfront with her, and it’s what she deserves.

He pressed his lips together as he heard the patio doorswing open. “Jasper, are you ready for more shots?” he heard Roan tease, andBellamy threw his head back. God, Roan was even more fun around Bellamy’sfriends. “Clarke?”

“Oh, God no,” Clarke giggled, and it was such a sweet, happysound… and why wouldn’t it be? Clarke seemed to be happy, probably happier thanshe had been with Bellamy. There was a quiet mumbling out there as Bellamyheard Jasper skip after Roan. “What?” he heard Clarke say, and he hit his headagainst the cabinet behind him.

He fucked up. God, he fucked up. He was falling too hard andfast for her and got scared. Everything with Clarke felt so natural and normal,and it scared him how easily he could get comfortable with her, especiallygiven how things went with Echo and Gina in the past.

All he could remember was how much he hurt before, and hisstupid, stupid self did what healways did: pushed her away before she could push him away. And now she was gone.He couldn’t blame anyone but himself for the way he picked that fight.

He was taking another swig of his drink when Clarke strodeinto the kitchen, freezing as soon as she saw him. Her brows furrowed as shegave him a once over, and his heart pounded as he waited for her to saysomething.

“Octavia said you had to work tonight,” she finally settledon, and he fought not to roll his eyes at the fact that the two of them couldonly seem to make small talk now.

“My shift ended early, so I stopped by,” he shrugged, andshe nodded along. Her brows were still furrowed, and he could tell that she hadsomething to say to him. But of course, his jealousy was still festering underthe surface and he said, “You seemed to have a good nap outside.”

Her eyes widened at him, and he immediately regretted it.She was free to do whatever the hell she wants, after all. He shouldn’t try tomake her feel bad for moving on. But of course, he always said the wrong thingat every given opportunity.

“It was a long day,” she settled on, and he nodded along, keepinghis eyes fixed on the almost empty beer in his hand. “Actually, I was just aboutto leave. I should go find your sister before I go,” she muttered beforeturning to leave, and Bellamy hit his head on the cabinet again, cursinghimself for pushing her away again.

He listened as Clarke gave her goodbyes to their friends. Montysaid something to make her laugh, and he found a smile tugging at his lips whenhe heard that beautiful sound. She talked with Harper, he thinks, for a minute…and the ease with which she speaks to everyone causes his chest to pang. Sheused to be able to talk to him that way.

Maybe he should find a way to be happy for her. After all,she seemed happier now with Roan. And Clarke deserved to be happy. He wantedher to be so happy.

When the front door shut, he let out a breath. He survivedseeing Clarke tonight, barely. The panging in his chest probably wouldn’t goaway any time soon, though he wasn’t sure if it ever left.

He was coming up with excuses to leave the party too whenRoan came into the kitchen. “What’s wrong with you?” Roan snorted.

“Nothing,” Bellamy lied.

“So, it has nothing to do with the fact that you saw me withyour ex?” he asked, raising his eyebrows as he filled a cup with ice.

“Clarke can date whoever she wants,” he replied.

“I’m not dating Clarke,” Roan corrected, and Bellamy hatedhow easy his own face gave his reaction away. Roan smirked at him, pleased thathe had finally broken Bellamy out of his fake indifference. “I don’t make ahabit of dating girls who are still in love with their exes.”

“Clarke isn’t—”

“She is,” he interrupted. “It’s annoying, honestly. Fulloffense intended, you were a dick to her in the end.”

“I know,” he huffed, throwing his head back. He didn’t needthis lecture from Roan when he had been giving it to himself all night. “It’show I know she isn’t still hung up on me.”

“Interesting,” Roan muttered as he walked back toward thedoor, “then, why is she still in the parking lot, crying in her car?” Bellamy’shead snapped up to look at Roan, whose eyebrows were raised at him as he lookedover his shoulder. “Don’t fuck it up this time,” he huffed before walking backout to the party. Bellamy jumped to his feet, abandoning his beer on thecountertop before striding toward the front door. He didn’t bother tellinganyone where he went. Everyone was too drunk to notice he was gone, anyway.

When he got down to the parking lot, he found Clarke’s carin the very back. He jogged toward her car, and as he got closer, he could seeher talking on the phone as she wiped a few tears from her cheek. He felt sickat the realization that he was the reason she was crying. He never wanted tohurt her. After all, he loved her… probably a little too much. He was justscared.

Clarke’s eyes widened when she spotted him, and she said goodbyeto whoever she had been talking to. He stood still as she pushed herself out ofthe car, her brows furrowing in confusion as she looked up at him again. “Whatare you—”

“I miss you,” he interrupted, and her eyes softened. “I’msorry. I know I don’t get to just… Fuck,” he mumbled. He hadn’t thought throughwhat he would say to her at all. He hadn’t been thinking when he rushed downafter her. All he heard was that she was upset because of him, and he couldn’t stayaway.

“I miss you too,” she said before he could stutter anythingelse out. Her blue eyes were staring back at him, still a bit red from crying.All he wanted to do was close the distance between them and pull her to hischest.

“Can we talk?” he asked, and she bit down on her lip. Herchest was rising and falling slowly as she took a few deep breaths.

It felt like hours had passed before she whispered, “Yeah.”

A flicker of hope scorched through him as the two of them satdown on the curb. He was going to tell her everything that he didn’t saybefore. He was going to make it right. And maybe, just maybe, she’d let him tryto make her happy again.

#asks #bellarke fanfiction #prompt fill #alex does prompts sometimes #modern au #exes to lovers #exes #past relationship #break ups #angst #pining #mutual pining #bellamy pov #the 100 fanfiction #asroarke fanfiction

[pokefanbri]

1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.

So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)

But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.

They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.

But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.

But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.

But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.

Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.

God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️ so who gives a crap.

These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful