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#ive been so stressed recently that Its Falling Out

hannieehaee · 2 months

Note

hello!!!

i would like to request possesive (lowkey toxic) bsf minghao like a short five or a drabble bcs i read your toxic mingyu one and it was sosososo good!!

tysm (i love your fics btw they’re so good)

18+ / mdi

content: toxicbsf!minghao, friends to lovers, he's toxic but its fine bc i have a crush on him so, manipulation, afab reader, smut, mentions of oral (f receiving), reader is a virgin, loss of virginity, penetrative sex, etc.

wc: 2064

a/n: thank uu!! im obsessed with toxicbsf!svt ive been wanting to write more of it since my mingyu fic tysm for requesting!!

masterlist

sometimes it stressed minghao out how sweet and innocent you were. how easy it was for a guy to catch your attention and for you to fall for anyone showed the barest amount of decency towards you.

well, it's not like minghao could really blame you. throughout the many years of being best friends, you had never really been in a serious relationship. there had been a quick fling here and there, but they never went far. not if minghao had anything to say bout it.

it wasn't that minghao wanted to get in the way of your relationships. he was simply protective. whether you realized it or not, he knew better. he knew the filthy ideas guys could get in their heads, specially when a pretty and sweet girl like you showed interest in them. which was why minghao always ran guys off one way or another before things bad a chance of going too far.

now, minghao wasn't dumb. he never made it known that he had been the one to somehow scare away (or sometimes frustrate away) possible suitors for you. he would simply speed up the inevitable. he knew they'd eventually use you and throw you away like most men tended to do to sweet girls like you.

despite your temporary sadness over the constant failed relationships, minghao knew that this was for the best. he wasn't about to allow some filthy man come in and sweep you off your feet just to defile your innocence when they could never love you in a pure and genuine way – in the same way that minghao did.

the task of keeping men off you got harder through the years. you were simply too beautiful to resist. that's how minghao first fell for you anyway (but, of course, he then fell for every other detail about you). you had men asking you out left and right, even ignoring his presence whenever he just so happened to be there. you were always shy and sheepish about it, accepting the compliments but always looking to minghao while seeking his approval of the guy in question (which he never gave, seeing as there was no man who deserved you).

however, there were occasions in which a guy would slip through the cracks, somehow charming you enough to concede to a date or to some flirtatious text messages without minghao's knowledge. the discovery of these instances would always lead to spats between the two of you, with minghao claiming that you clearly did not love him in the way he did you if you were so easily willing to hide things from him. these nights would usually end in you apologizing to him and telling him he was the only guy you needed.

but that did not happen every single time. currently, an anomaly had occurred, causing minghao to be disgusted by recent developments that had occurred in your relationship.

being as sweet and innocent as you were, it was clear to minghao that even a single second away from him would lead you to fall into the arms of some guy. which was what had happened a few weeks back, when you had enthusiastically agreed to a date with some boy you'd met at a party during the ten minutes in which minghao had left you unsupervised.

surprisingly, you had asked minghao to let you try things out with him. you were aware of minghao's protectiveness towards you (although not the full extent of it), but minghao was still surprised when you shyly asked him to let you see how things would go between you and this guy.

the two of you had been talking every day during those few weeks, even going on a few dates which minghao had to be made privy of as you came home overexcited after each one. he hated watching your temporary happiness with some loser who didnt deserve you. he knew it wouldn't last, but it still made him scowl at the thought.

the whole situation reached a crescendo the day you came back from yet another date with the guy, sheepishly telling minghao that you thought it was time for the next step in the relationship. this was, of course, something minghao was not willing to let you go through with.

since you had asked him to not get involved (not even allowing him to meet the guy thus far), he had left the situation alone with the hopes that it would crash and burn on its own, – after all, no man was good enough for you, nor did they compare to the way in which minghao treated you – but unfortunately for minghao, the past three weeks had gone well for the two of you. and now it was time for minghao to step in.

despite his initial anger at your revelation (anger which he kept hidden from you), he allowed you a safe space to talk to him about your 'relationship' and what you intended to do next, which then revealed a window of opportunity for minghao.

"i ... i'm nervous, hao."

"hmm? what makes you nervous, angel?", he was sitting beside you on your shared couch, with your legs basically intertwined.

"i dont know, i've just never ... you know ..."

he knew. you'd never outwardly spoken about it. but he knew you to be a virgin in every sense of the word.

"i dont know, angel. you're gonna have to be more specific."

"i've never had sex. i've never really done anything .."

as expected from his good and innocent girl. but the satisfaction of hearing you say those words died as soon as he remembered the context of the conversation. you were seeking advice in order to have sex with that guy whose name minghao had never even bothered to learn.

"that's okay. you don't have to if you're not ready," he assured you.

"no, but i am! i just ... i wont know what to do when it's time to ... you know, actually do it."

"oh?"

"what if i disappoint him? or what if he thinks im a freak for never having done anything?", you lamented, "am i? is it weird i've never done it? it's just ... it's never worked out between me and any other guy and– fuck you must be exhausted of hearing me lament myself every time i ultimately fuck things up before even leaving the talking stage," you chuckled at yourself in what seemed to be pity.

and minghao did somewhat pity you. despite being direct cause of many of those failed talking stages (something he would never let you find out), he still felt bad that you were feeling unseemly because of his doing.

"angel, no. stop. it's okay. you can always talk to me, you know that. and no. you're not weird for being a, a virgin, you're ... you're so special. no guy should ever make you feel pressured to do it. who is this guy anyway? is he making you– "

"no! hao. it really isnt that! it's me. i'm ... i just dont wanna embarrass myself. i dont ... i have no idea what i'm supposed to do. i ... i've wanted to, but i'm just scared," you pouted, looking down into your lap rather than at him.

he knew the perfect solution for this. it was the most obvious thing, but he needed to approach it in a way that worked out in his favor. he could not risk scaring you away. you were just vulnerable enough in this moment for minghao to finally rid himself of the nuance that had been in his way for these past weeks and finally have you for himself.

"well, i ... i cant help you? if you want. i could show you whatever you're curious about. and then you wont feel nervous anymore", he suggested, now having moved closer to you.

"isnt that cheating?"

he chuckled at the adorable confusion in your tone, reaching out to caress your cheek with his hand, "no, angel. id just be teaching you. as a friend, yeah?"

"oh ... a– are you sure? i dont wanna make you uncomfortable or anything ..."

"you could never make me uncomfortable, beautiful. so what do you say? hmm? let me help you?"

you silently nodded as you scoot even closer to him, giving him the green light to finally have you in the way he'd always wished.

"how about we start by kissing so you can ease into it, yeah?"

you nodded again, already too lightheaded to respond to him with words. minghao felt immense arousal at your innocent demeanor, adoring how your eyes fell directly to his lips the moment he mentioned kissing.

as gently as he could, he connected your lips, staring off with an innocent kiss before letting escalate further.

it was hard for him to control himself, so he didnt. he only gave you a few seconds of gentleness before beginning to kiss you with the fervor he had always wanted to, drinking in your adorable whines of arousal.

somehow your mewls became even prettier when his lips went south, now savoring the taste of your skin as he licked and nipped at your soft neck. his hands were not left unoccupied as they felt you up in ways that could not be defined as anything less than filthy. but you didnt seem to care. you seemed quite into it, actually, moaning endlessly in the way a girl deprived of pleasure would.

in this moment, minghao knew his wait had been worth it, as he now had you in his arms for his taking. and there was no way he would ever let you go after this.

it was only a short while later that minghao would finally reach his ruin.

minghao finally had you bare and willing under him as he hovered over you on his bed. after having eaten you out to completion, he was almost completely spent from just the view of your gorgeous body receiving such pleasure for the first time. and now he could finally have you in a way that only he ever would.

"angel ... are you ready?" he breathed as his lips pulled away from your own.

your gaze was completely empty, clearly gone to the pleasure that minghao had such given you and the pleasure you knew was yet to come.

"please ... need to feel you so bad ..."

"oh? but i thought this was about learning, angel? what happened?", he emphasized his words by grinding against your bare core, whispering his teasing words into your ear.

"n– no ... it's not ... just want you ... please."

that was enough for him to finally plunge in, groaning at the slight resistance you showed despite having prepared you beforehand.

your body arched against his as you cried out his name for the nth time that night.

"oh, angel ... feel so fucking good. is it good for you, beautiful? am i teaching you well?"

"y– yes, fuck ... h– hao! feel so fucking good ..."

he ground into you mercilessly, in a way that would make anyone think that this was not your first time together. except it was the first of many.

"does it always feel this good? will it always make me want it like this?"

"no, beautiful. it will never feel this good. you know why?", his hand went to play with the tiny pearl between your legs, making you cry in response, "because you're mine", he speed up in his thrusts, matching the pace of his hand, "and only i can give you this pleasure."

"hao! fuck ... gonna– "

"i know, angel. me too. gonna cum with my pretty angel, yeah? be good for me and cum with me, beautiful."

"love y– you!," your wet cries and stutters already had him gone, but your declaration was what truly did him in, causing him to bury himself as deep as possible as he released him inside you, groaning at the way you pulsed against him as your own orgasm took over you.

upon regaining your breaths and laying together, minghao turned to you, cradling you into his chest as he felt you breathe against him.

"you're mine now, aren't you angel?"

"always," you softly peck his chest, cuddling right back into him.

there was no longer need for minghao to worry about your nameless fling, nor any that would've come after. he had finally kept you all to himself.

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t3ag3rs · 16 days

Text

g e n s o - 0 2.

your body jolts up as you feel yourself on the verge of passing out.

you quickly glance up at your teacher to see if he noticed you sleeping in his class, sighing quietly when you notice he was turned to the board.

you itched your most recent cut, wincing slightly as it hurt. at least its somewhat healing.. you thought to yourself staring at the scar. you rubbed your eyes to fight the sleep trying to consume you.

god its like im tired everywhere else except when its time to actually sleep..

you bounced your knee up and down waiting for the time to go by quicker. you couldnt wait to get out of this goddamn academy. why were all last days filled with sappy goodbyes and hugs? you couldnt wait to go home and take a nice long nap.

no more stressing out over school work. no more sleepless nights. no more burn outs.

that sounded like absolute heaven.

ring, ring, ring!

you jumped out of your seat and rushed home. you finally had months to actually prepare for the UA entrance exam. you had to make it in.

you promised him you would.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

"mom! can you please call bakugous mom and ask if they can come over? its been so long!" you pleaded once you got home. "fine.. let me call them" sighed out your mom, going to grab the phone.

you watched giddily as she called, "hey, do you think you could come over with bakugou today? y/n finally got out of school and wants to see him" she asked, you saw as her lips form a tight line, "oh.. i see.. its okay then! take care! " she ended the call.

"im afraid bakugou cant come over, she said he wanted to train for the entrance exam and nothing else." she continued but you werent listening.

he didnt want to see you.

after all these years of waiting patiently to see him was for nothing. he didnt care about your friendship with him. he just wanted to train and be a hero.

like always.

"izuku could probably come over though.. are you even listening y/n??" your mother questioned. you snapped out of your trance, "o-oh yeah! sure we can do that!" you replied, not even knowing what you were agreeing to.

"good! izuku will be able to come tomorrow so i suggest you take a bath, eat early, and head to bed to get some good rest. no more school until that entrance exam, i know you wont let us down." she smiled and ruffled your hair.

you smiled back and nodded. you werent planning on failing it anyways. even if bakugou didnt value your friendship anymore, you still made yourself a promise. you were going to make it in whether you liked it or not.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

you showered quickly and went downstairs to get some water. you looked at the food hungrily, but your mind said otherwise.

are you really going to eat? you already had so much food yesterday. its best you skip eating today so you wont gain much weight.

you looked down at your stomach and sighed as it rumbled, aching for food. one night cant hurt right? you turned away from the food and got a water bottle getting ready to sleep.

you walked into your room and placed the water bottle on your nightstand and turned off the lights. you let out a yawn and layed down, falling asleep right as your head hit the pillow.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

the next day you woke up and did your morning routine. you couldnt help but be excited to see izuku after 3 years.

as the doorbell rang you rushed to open the door and let out a gasp when you saw how much the green haired boy changed. you hugged him and smiled, "izu! oh my gosh ive missed you so much!" you pulled away and stared at him, "you look so mature now!"

he let out a small laugh, "i can say the same to you y/n! its been so long!" you stepped aside and welcomed him in. you walked up with him into your bedroom and sat down, "how was the last three years? is bakugou still a bully to you?" you ask.

he looks down sadly, "he hasnt changed much.. if anything its gotten worse. his egos so big now..!" he lets out a chuckle and scratches his neck, "just yesterday he burned my hero notebook and threw it in the fish pond outside the school..!"

you gasped, "what? i cant believe he did that! hes changed so much..." he looked down and continued, "that wasnt the worst part... he told me to take a swan dive off the roof if i wanted a quirk that bad.." you felt the anger boil in you.

"he said WHAT?" you asked in disbelief, "i cant believe i was friends with that piece of shit! and he said he wanted to focus on training instead of talkinh to me after 3 years! i cant believe he wants to be a hero with an attitude like that!" you yelled.

"its not that big of a deal..! besides... we both got into a villain attack yesterday and guess who saved us?? all might!!" he started fanboying about all the things he did, but you were too busy thinking about how horrible bakugou had became.

"but poor kacchan.. the villian was really going to take over him.. it was scary to look at.." he rambled, "still! its no excuse to hows hes been acting! but your lucky you got to see all might! i wouldve fainted if i actually saw him! " you exclaimed.

"exactly! but thats not the point, he said i could become a hero too!" he smiled, you looked at him confused "how..?" he looked at his hands and then back at you.

"promise me you wont tell anyone" you nodded and swore, "all mights quirk was given to him, he wasnt born with it. he told me he would train me so that he could pass on his quirk to me!" your mind went blank.

"how is that even possible? you cant inherit a quirk! thats not how things work. if its true how come none of the scientists have figured it out yet?" you rambled, "im not sure, but i can finally become a hero now! its all ive wanted, and to top it off i can be trained by the worlds greatest hero!"

you couldnt help but smile and feel happy for him. all he ever wanted was to be a hero and now it could finally come true. "im happy for you izu! we can try out for UA together!" he smiled and let out a sound of agreement. "maybe we can train together under all might! im sure he'll like you, but just be warned he doesnt always look muscular... he has a whole different body when his quirk runs out.."

you found out just exactly what he meant the next day when you met him and all might at the beach.

"so y/n.. this is all might" he said pointing at a man who look like a drug-addict, but then suddenly changed to the all might you saw on tv. "what the actual fuck" you gasped, "told you to be warned..! all might i want you to meet y/n l/n, my best friend of many years!"

you took a deep bow at his direction, "im thankful to be able to train under you, and for you to trust me with knowing about your identity and izukus new quirk" all might grinned, "of course kiddo, now whats your quirk?"

"i have the ability to control elements, so far its mainly the usual four; water, fire, air, earth. im most comfortable with water, and least with earth. each of my elements have its own drawback." he nods as you speak, "you both definitely need to start strength training more as your quirks will be powerful."

"so lets get started!"

at that moment you had started the ten months of absolute torture.

everyday was spent working harder than before. a meal plan that was composed so that your every meal had enough protein to not only loose the unwanted body fat, but to also build the needed muscle for your quirk. a sleep schedule so that you woke up everyday with enough energy to train the 5 gruesome hours every morning, and extra if you felt up to it.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

finally it was the morning of the long awaited entrance exam. you watched as deku screamed and let out every nerve he had in him. "i have to admit it.. you two have genuinely surprised me by cleaning the entire beach! " exclaimed all might.

he pulled up a photo of you two from the first day you started, "you two have definitely gotten stronger and you y/n, have grown more experienced with your quirk. young midoriya you have now worked your body enough to inherit my quirk... eat this." he handed deku a strand of his hair and you gagged silently.

"to inherit my quirk you need to consume some of my dna" he explained, "theres no time to explain! eat it or you two will be late!" deku closed his eyes and swallowed the strand making you cringe.

i think im gonna be sick!

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

you walked with deku to UA and stared at it in awe. you fiddled with your jacket covering the tight tanktop you had on, paired with your army green cargo pants.

god im so nervous..!

"even though i ate his hair i dont feel any different.." sighed deku, you smiled and placed a hand on his shoulder "its probably just getting used to your body, besides i never felt any different when i got my quirk!"

"stupid deku..! get out of my way before i light you on fire..!" snarled a voice from behind you. your heart dropped as you turned and made eye contact with bakugou.

you couldnt believe how much he had changed. his face was more mature and his body had definitely grown more muscle. his attitude had just gotten worse though.

he knocked his shoulder into yours and walked away coldly, not saying a word to you.

"asshat" you whispered while continuing to walk with deku until he stumbled on his own feet and was frozen mid air. "are you okay?" said a high pitched voice from a brown haired girl beside you.

"i used my quirk to stop you from falling!" deku got up and started blushing, you giggled knowing he probably thought she was cute. "my names ochako uraraka! nice to meet you two!" you smiled as deku started glitching in real life. "my names y/n l/n and thats izuku midoriya! its nice to meet you too!"

you grinned as a plan came to mind, "well i have to meet someone inside.. you should get to know her izuku! it was nice meeting you! bye izu!" you ran away giggling. he had no choice but to talk to her now!

you took a seat next to a red haired boy and settled down looking at your card. looks like ill be in battle center A.. "hey what center are you in?" the boy asked you as he showed you his card , "oh um.. center A" he sighed, "guess we arent in the same one.. well i wish you luck anyways!" he grinned showing his sharp teeth.

you smiled back, "thanks! you too! also i really like the red hair!" he blushed, "thanks dude!" suddently the lights went out and the hero present mic started speaking.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

you finally got changed out of your jacket and prepared to fight. you stood outside of the battle center with a group of other people. you noticed bakugou but didnt awknowledge him, instead you made sure you had enough water in your pouch to use during the fight.

suddenly the doors opened and present mics voice could be heard counting down. "on your mark.. get set... go!"

it was finally the moment you had been training months for.

previous parts: pt. 00 / pt. 01 next parts: pt. 03 / pt. 04 / pt. 05 / pt. 06 / pt. 07 / pt. 08 / pt. 09 / pt. 10 / pt. 11 / pt. 12

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cupoftaae · 11 months

Text

Forever And A Day (KTH x READER) series ♡ please hold my hand (chapter 11)

Summary: your lifelong friend is forced to face his true feelings for you once he breaks the number one rule of becoming friends with benefits: dont fall in love. He knows he loves you, but you on the other hand need more convincing of the most important thing: the right decision.

Genre: fwb. Roommates, friends to idiots to lovers, fluff, angst, smut, the whole 9 yards tbh.

Pairing: taehyung x female!reader

rating: 18+ (minors dni!!!)

word count- 6k

chapter warnings- swearing, fighting, so much fucking angst omg, anxiety, panic attack, mentions of pregnancy, mentions of body issues, mentions of abortion.

author note- Hey guys, apologies on the delayed posting, life has yet to calm down for me and im writing in my free time to try and distract me, (free time which is very limited) I wrapped up my semester and now im getting a job, recently someone close to me passed and on top of that im dealing with family fights and shit, so ive been trying to not rip my hair out. I love all of you guys so much and appreciate you for reading my stories, i know im a smaller author on here just writing silly bts fics and stuff but I find comfort in having a small community on here that I can run to when I need to just get away from everyone irl. Sorry for the blabbling but yes- bottom line is I just appreciate you all so much <3 feel free to ever message me anytime if you need someone to talk to, im here always.

enjoy the chapter!

Taehyung knew you were off

something wasnt right and he knew it, but he also knew to give you time to come to him on your own.

The next morning he sat with you in the bathroom, it was pretty early and birds could be heard outside chirping as the sun rose.

"so....whats going on?" he asked

You woke up first, trying (Failing) to come up with some way to explain that you are pregnant, he heard you pacing the room and stress organizing random shit, so he awoke too.

"nothing"

He frowned, "but last night you told me you wanted to talk" he gently reached out and pulled you closer to him, your eyes glued to the floor.

"oh that..i um...."

its now or never.

Do it.

tell him.

Tell him you are pregnant, we're gonna have a ba-

"i was wondering when I could have my phone back" you blurbed out

His eyes sank to yours, "Y/N...." he sighed, "when we get back to Busan"

"but i just want to check stuff...really quickly" you looked at him, eyes wide

"i dont think thats a good idea"

"why not?"

"because of everything that is going on...you dont need to get hurt by Kaito and his stupid ass friends anymore than you already have"

"but-"

"no" he shushed, "those rumors are only rumors and will die down soon, fuck that school....just enjoy the rest of the week with me" he softly whispered, pressing the lightest kiss to your lips as you frowned.

sure, it was an excuse to cover up the actual problem at hand, but you really did want your phone back, your mind had been so caught up with baby kim that you completely forgot about the shit storm you had to walk into the moment your flight landed back in Busan.

You refused to look at him as he rubbed your back, "cmon, lets shower"

you both ended up underneath the warm water, cuddling up as your face leaned into his chest, silently.

His hands softly roamed to hold your hips, squishing your skin slightly.

"hey!"

He softly giggled, "m'sorry baby"

"no" you scoffed and tried to move his hands off your waist. "I know I gained weight dont make me feel like shit"

He immediately frowned, "honey i wasnt trying to make you upset, you look beautiful, I think you actually look even prettier, you were losing so much weight this past year with stress and school....you look healthier"

"healthy is code for fat, no?"

Taehyung shook his head, "no baby, i mean it, you are so beautiful"

you turned around to face the shower head as he ran his fingers through your wet hair.

"why are you so moody?" he whispered softly, kissing your shoulder

"im not!"

He hummed, "kinda..."

"just stop" you sighed, wringing your hair out and pushing the curtain aside to get out, drying and wrapping your body with a towel as Taehyung watched, concerned.

You wanted to tell him so bad, but every time the possibility of even mentioning the situation tried to come up, you froze.

You still couldn't fathom it yourself....you were so young...and about to have a kid that you didnt plan for.

You hated it. You hated every ounce of it, because now you were growing attached to the small little thing, it didnt even have a formed body yet and it was already starting to make you feel protective and soft.

You found yourself resting your hand on your abdomen every now and then, not even realizing it. You also saw yourself whispering to it as you ranted when you were alone.

You didnt hate the baby, its not like they asked to be there, it was yours and taehyungs fault, and it was a symbol of the love between you both.

What you hated however- was the fact you knew you didnt have what it takes to be a mother, and the baby would end up resenting you and never speaking to you after 18 years.

You were guilty and sad and struggling, and all you wanted to do was be held and loved and told that it was gonna realistically be okay.

And you knew the only way you could get that is if you told someone.

The rest of the week went by okay,

Your mother had taken tae and you up to her friends farm where you both had worked and helped him plant flowers, you also discovered that this "friend" of hers was anything but.

"hey they look kinda cute" taehyung giggled, filling the soil with his potted flowers

you crossed your arms, "no they dont, shes literally seeing someone and didnt even tell me!! her daughter!!! can you imagine??"

Taehyung smiled, "well...its not like you and i arent keeping anything from her right" he smirked

"if we told her we were 'dating' I doubt she would be shocked, this is different"

"how so?"

"Shes just...." you sighed and watched the front porch of his farm, where your mom and him sat on the swing "thats not my dad"

"dont you want her to be happy, y/n?"

"this isnt about that....what if he breaks her heart like dad did? what if he just fucking leaves when things get difficult?"

Taehyung looked at you softly, knowing this was more than you being upset at your mom finding a romantic interest and not telling you.

"its okay" he whispered, pulling your attention back to the flowers.

Your mind was racing, and suddenly you got hit with a thought that knocked the wind out of you.

What if taehyung left?

the men in your life dont have a good track record here, and what if him being happy over the baby isnt true, what if he is mad and leaves....its so easy for him to just leave.

As the trip ended, you began to distance yourself slightly, as if you were already trying to prepare for when he does go.

The morning of your flight, the thought of getting on another plane ride nauseated you

"we gotta get you anti-motion sickness pills" taehyung smiled, handing you your coffee order from the airport starbucks. "you arent even on the plane yet and you seem pale."

Coffee, not good for the baby. You read that on a forum last night.

You nod, looking off into the distance as he tries to hold your hand to walk to the end of the terminal, you slowly step away

"you ok?" he whispers, looking at you

"y-yeah...just clammy...dont wanna hold hands"

He nodded in understanding.

You wanted to hold him, climb on his back as he walked even, but you needed to distance yourself, in case it ended up being just you and baby.....just as was with your mom and you.

As you found your way to your seats, you tried to just sleep away all your thoughts, but it proved more difficult than you hoped.

Taehyung slept peacefully as you bounced your knee and picked at your nails. The poor woman sitting in front of both of you struggled to keep her own children in their seats while she fed her newborn, who was beginning to wail.

Damn....you were overwhelmed just watching

Taehyung woke up and darted his eyes to the kids in front of him, one boy peeking around to both of you and sticking out his tongue.

He softly giggled and waved, whispering "hello" as he shot you a knowing look.

They made a small interaction with eachother, doing silly faces back and forth until the younger child got tired and crawled over to his mothers lap once more. To say it wasnt cute was a lie.

Maybe he would be okay, perhaps you were overthinking it all

He would be excited, right?

You weakly smiled and took a sip of water, stomach churning.

Taehyung lifted the arm-rest so he could move closer, his arm pulling you to him as he kissed your head- you were trapped.

"Want some mint gum?" he whispered, reaching into his little bag

"no im okay"

"princess it might help the nausea?"

you sighed and leaned away, "im fine just stop"

he frowned and looked back at the small tv in front of him, his own mind stressing over if he did or said something wrong to you. Youve been super moody towards him since the trip and it was a tad bit concerning.

You felt awful, but you were overstimulated with so much shit that you couldnt put on a lovey dovey act right now.

Taehyung put his headphones on and unwrapped the piece of gum, placing it into his own mouth as his head rested against the seat, defeated.

this is wrong

this is so fucking wrong, and you know it. He has been there for you time and time again, and you just push him away when you know he would be more than accepting of the situation that very much involves the two of you.

Rip the fucking bandaid off.

Later that night, you two finally arrived home to your apartment after getting out of your uber.

"let me take these to the elevator" tae smiled, taking your luggage and throwing it over his shoulder.

"thanks" you whispered, rubbing your eyes in exhaustion.

You leaned against him after pressing the button of your floor and getting your key out.

"sleepy?" he mumbled

"yeah..."

the doors open and both of you walk down the hall, passing doors of other apartments.

It was peaceful, being home.

You had fun with your mother and spending your birthday at your childhood home, but nothing will beat the comfort of this apartment.

You watched the back of taehyungs head as he walked in front of you, holding two suitcases while making sure his fish baby was okay as well, it was adorable.

Your eyes were fixated on him as you approached the end of the hall

You placed the key into the door and practically watched him drop everything to the floor, (besides the tiny fish tank)

"we can unpack tomorrow right?" he sighed, tiredly

you nod and begin to walk into your bedroom, where taehyung follows.

after getting comfy and clean, the two of you settled into bed in the dark room.

Taehyungs arm draped over your waist, keeping your back flush against his chest.

You sighed, closing your eyes as peacefully as you could as his lips found their way to your shoulder and neck

"tae-"

"i missed you" he whispered, a hint of humor in his voice

your eyes stayed glued to the wall

"dont get me wrong, I love your mom, but she is the number one cock blocker-"

"im tired and want to sleep." you speak, voice stern now.

he pulled away as if you burned him, "...sorry" his head fell against the pillow as he rolled to lay on his back.

It was quiet for a moment, "did i do something wrong?" he whispered

you took a second to reply, "what?"

"this entire week, things have been....weird....with us. Did i upset you, princess?"

Taehyungs voice was low and shaky, as if he was afraid of breaking you. Sure, the week was bad in the aspects of Kaito and his bullshit, but there was no reason to take it out on taehyung.

"are you saying this because I dont want to have sex right now?" you sat up, looking at him with disgust.

He quickly threw his hands up in defense, "baby- no!! Thats not it at all, its nothing to do with anything like that"

You audibly sighed, running your hands over you face as you listened to him speak

He continued, "you just seem....off...and i want to make sure that you are ok"

to make sure....that you are ok.

The man who has little to worry about in this life, and situation wants everything to be okay.

You threw the covers off your body, rising to your feet as you walked towards the bathroom, suddenly it was too much again.

Too much to juggle, too much for one single woman to deal with at once, it wasnt fucking fair that you were here right now.

You blamed yourself because you both were careless, and now you blame yourself because you have authority, and responsibility for this child. Yes- he may want it, but your mind races back to the fact of how he struggles to even look after himself. He might get overwhelmed and give up, your life may fall apart, and hes rambling about YOU being OKAY?

"where are you going?" he got up quickly, following after you

You pivoted on your heel, blocking him from entering the bathroom with you, "i just want to be alone right now taehyung, Please"

He scoffed, "you cant act like this, get me all worried, then run away and hide, thats not fair!"

Your eyes widened, "not fair? why is how I act not fair to you? why do you assume every action, every emotion, every breath is about YOU??"

He stood back a little, not prepared for how you suddenly turned from cold shoulder to just plain angry.

"y-you have no idea!" you gripped your hair as you got a glance of yourself in the mirror, and as quick as it was, tears began to form at the lining of your eyes.

"idea of what, y/n? you are scaring me" taehyung whispered, unsure if he should attempt to comfort you.

You took a few breathes and rubbed your arms to self soothe yourself, "Its late....im tired....youre tired, lets just sleep please"

"sleep? after this?"

you nod, silently shutting the door to the bathroom as he stood in front of it. "you are gonna sleep in the fucking bathroom?"

"who cares if I do?"

He sighed, looking down. He wanted to help and was only met with a door slamming to the face, and you ignoring his pleas to help you with whatever this was.

He tried once more, hand jiggling the door handle, "baby...baby please....."

You sat on the other side, your back pressed against the door and your knees to your chest as tears fell freely now. You felt like an awful person- perhaps you were one.

He whispers, voice cracking, "whats going on? why wont you....why cant I help?"

You wiped your eyes, looking down at your hands as taehyung spoke behind the door. "please just go...."

"no...im not going to leave you when you are in an emotional state like this"

"please." you try once more

"y/n, im not joking around anymore, open the fucking door."

Your heart raced at his sudden fed up tone, you knew he wasnt going to let this rest tonight.

"y/n....open the door"

the two rooms were filled with silent breathing, it felt like forever before you suddenly stood up as he listened to your shuffling.

You blew your nose and looked at yourself in the mirror again, a mess. an absolute mess, how could one fuck up this badly?

suddenly...this is beyond you, especially in this moment.

Its not just your life anymore, and you are being selfish a bit. He has a right to know, its not just a you problem. You sigh, eyes on the mirror. all you could see was someone whos had maybe one of the biggest downfalls of the century....but you also saw a girl who was vulnerable, and wanted to try.

Your hand shakes as it moved to unlock and open the door, you met taehyung who stood there with fear in his eyes, obviously more than just concerned over the bizarre behavior.

"taehyung." you whispered so quietly, that if any other noise was occurring in the house, he wouldnt have heard you.

He stuck his eyes onto yours, not leaving for a second.

"i-im.." you choked, trying to compose yourself.

"youre what, princess?" he whispered, using your same soft and comforting tone

shaking your head, you let out a soft sob, feeling embarrassed but knowing there was no other way around the situation anymore, and the longer you dragged this out, the worse things crumbled

you said it in one, big, relieving exhale. it felt wrong to say aloud, but your chest was no longer tight, breathing was slightly easier.

"i'm pregnant."

Taehyung's air left his lungs, his face contorted into different expressions, mouth moving to form words yet nothing was coming out.

You couldnt look at him anymore, eyes darting to your feet.

"i-im sorry...fuck" you walked past him, moving into the living room as he stayed where he was.

You stood in the center of the room, shocked at what you had just done on some random night, the clock read 2:28am. You wanted something special, and instead you dumped it on him as if you were telling him what you were making for dinner.

he looked around, the words you just said suddenly hitting him, suddenly becoming real.

"youre what?" he whispered to himself, heart beginning to race as he turned around quickly and chased after you.

you had moved to sit near the window, looking at the city in the dark room. His soft footsteps could be heard over your quiet cries.

"dont hate me" you cried, "please dont hate me" you wiped your eyes, unable to turn around to face him. "I already hate myself, I know this isnt what we had planned but god...taehyung," you turned your head softly, eyes blood-shot, "please dont go" you whispered.

He stood behind you, hands clammy.

You tried your best not to have a full blown meltdown, you were already tired enough.

He slowly sank to his knees, a softer expression overtaking his previous one.

"i-if you w-want me to abort it, I dont think I can" you sobbed, "i know school isnt even done yet, we are so young and everyone will hate me, im so sorry taeh-"

He inturrupted you quickly, wrapping you into his arms tightly, tears of his own falling. "no, no no,.." he tucked your face into his neck, softly swaying. "no...no no"

You only cried harder, your hands clutching his shirt with a plea to not leave.

"I-" he sighed, taking a few breathes, "I could never leave you" his hands tightened, "you mean so fucking much to me, and you think I would ever leave, or ask you to abort the baby? something we made, together?"

His eyes were shut, voice trembling with fears of his own, however most of all he was relieved you finally told him.

"i love you so much, god y/n, I love you so much" he rocked a little, hand brushing up and down your back. "you thought I would hate you? baby, no....God no"

"I was so scared" you whisper, unable to pull away

"it's going to be okay, i promise, I know its not the ideal situation, but im not going anywhere, im here for you, okay?"

You sniff, his thumb caressing your cheek softly

"we are going to be good parents, a good supportive family, i'll never leave you"

his hand gently moves down to your stomach, holding the non noticeable baby. suddenly everything made sense.

"we got this, right? we...we can handle anything, because we are a team, and I love you"

"i love you too" you sniff, head pounding.

His eyes scanned yours, "keeping it, is what you want right?"

You nod

"then thats what we will do, and guess what? everything will be fine" he smiled so softly and lovingly, your heart felt constricted. "it'll be difficult, but we are here, together."

"together" your voice is tired and scratchy, a part of you feeling weightless as the fact he now knows sinks in. Its no longer a built up secret you have to hide, he knows.

"and...maybe being parents will be fun?" he giggles quietly, "we can do trips with them, nothing has to change, y/n."

You sigh softly, looking at him, "a lot is going to change, and you need to prepare yourself for that, its not like having a pet, its a real baby with real needs that depends on us for survival..." you look at your clasped hands, "its serious shit"

He nods, frowning a bit

"and I need to start getting a job that pays more than what Ms.Choi is giving me....this is gonna be expensive, I dont know what we are gonna do" your hand covered your face as your breathing picked up again, taehyung watching.

"we will work it out, is what we will do" he spoke softly, he gently removed your hands from your face. "have you seen some of the people who have kids and make it out alive? I think you and I will be just fine...." he speaks "and plus....I think our parents would be more than happy to not only hear about this, but help out too"

You sighed, "fuck I forgot we need to tell our families, Taehyung thats gonna be so embarrassing! my mom-"

"probably already suspected we were closer than 'friends', and how is that embarrassing? our parents have been trying to push us together for quite some time"

"because I dont talk about this shit with people, even my mom, and it makes me .....uhg"

He giggles softly, "shh...its okay, im sure she knows you arent 19 anymore, we are adults"

adults. yeah.

His hands gently held your sides, "my beautiful girl....how long have you known?"

You pushed the hair out of your face, "since Wednesday, I took a test on my birthday"

Taehyung frowned, "and youve been dealing with this alone since then?"

You nod, "remember when I said I needed to get tampons? yeah...I bought a test instead" you slightly smile.

He nodded "hm..im sorry you had to deal with that, Your behavior is forgiven"

"oh about that...im sorry for being a bitch to you, you were just trying to help."

He sighs softly, "y/n, you dont need to apologize, I was just worried about you....im sure within the next 9 months we will deal with a lot of scary emotions, so I better suck it up"

You smile, "i'll try to be good"

"you already are" he kissed the top of your head, helping you both stand to your feet. He looked at your stomach, a smile in knowing what was in there. "baby" he gestured, "thats ours"

You nod, hands resting on his shoulders,

"we will be fine?"

"we will be more than fine...we will be great"

The next morning, you had decided on taking a day off to just live in bed.

This was your last day before you returned to classes for the last bit of the semester, so you wanted to take it easy as possible before facing the crazy drama to come.

You laid under the covers, sipping the water taehyung had given you as he placed the duffle suit case onto the end of the bed, taking out the clothes and folding them, putting them into your closet.

"so have you thought about calling your doctor?" he spoke up, watching you eat the breakfast he made you.

You sat up a bit, "yeah, im gonna call her today possibly, ill make an appointment for this weekend."

He smiles shyly, "can I come?"

You couldnt help but giggle, "you are the father, so yes obviously you can"

"well I didnt know what your boundaries are here..."

You tilt your head, "what do you mean?"

"well like.." he folded one of your dresses, "we havent established our "relationship" if you will, and so I wasnt sure what the boundaries were for me-"

You smile, "I mean....taehyung...we are having a child together, I dont think we have to worry about formalities anymore, right?"

He smiles, shrugging as he hung up more of your clothes, something you insisted on doing yourself but the overprotective taehyung was already sprung into action, forcing you to do absolutely nothing.

"well when you say it like that It sounds funny" he giggled

"hmm then do as you want" you mumbled as he climbed onto the bed, sitting next to you and holding your hand. He cleared his throat before speaking "y/n...would you do me the honor of being my girlfriend, officially?"

"that is so middle school" you snort

"yes or no"

"wow, an offer that includes strings attached, thats new"

"hey you were the one who suggested friends with benefits"

"and now we are sitting here pregnant"

Taehyung giggled, "yes or no!!!"

"hmm.....yeah I guess"

you laughed as he flung onto you, kissing all over your face and holding you close, his long legs knocking off some of the laundry piles he made.

"there goes the clothes" you frown

"aish I'll fold them again, dont worry angel" he sat up and stood after giving you a long kiss on the lips, making you blush.

You want to call yourself silly for worrying so much, the taehyung standing in front of you is incomparable to the one you imagined he would be after telling him, you are relieved but know a lot more is still to come.

You knew taehyung loved you, and wanted to care for you as much as possible, but God, little did you know to what extent.

"taehyung I can walk to class myself, Walking is good for me"

You looked back at your boyfriend as he watched you exit the car while dropping you off at class the next day.

"just be careful, ok? and dont let anyone try anything with you" his eyes scanned the students roaming the campus. "call me if they do, yeah?"

You smile, nodding, "sure....okay, I love you"

"I love you too, ill pick you up at 3 ok?"

You nod softly, waving him off as you begin to walk to class.

You were sweaty with anxiety, eyes forced down to the ground you walked on to avoid any weird glares thrown your way.

This whole Kaito and Annie situation was, and should be, the least of your worries right now- all you wanted to do was finish the semester and be done for a little while, enjoying your pregnancy the best you can with Taehyung at home..

You walked into your theatre class, you were met with Chae, who you havent spoken to in months.

"y/n...where have you been?" she raised a brow, looking up from her phone.

"um, vacation"

"oh" she lowers her gaze on you, you suddenly feel angry that she even feels like its ok to communicate with you right now after taking Kaitos side.

"hows taehyung?" she continues as you take a seat

"im here for class, and class only, dont start anything with me" you spoke without even looking in her direction.

"I just think its funny that you flea right when everything is going on" she shrugged

"I went to go see my mom, not that its any of your buisness"

"listen, kaito isnt a great person and all but he is my friend, and you cheated on him with taehyung after blowing him off"

You scoffed, "oh like how he almost blew my face off? with his fist?"

She sighed, "and poor annie too....she liked taehyung and you just-"

You stopped her from finishing, "listen, chae, You dont know anything and If i were you i would worry a little less on my life and more on yours, everyone knows you failed your final exam because you cant keep your head out of other peoples asses for 3 fucking seconds" you bit and immediately stood, walking out before class even started.

maybe your english class will go better than this one.

Later that night, you sat in bed, head full of worry of what the next 2 weeks would bring at school.

in total, 5 kids had came up to you asking if the "rumors were true!"

you wish you had the willpower to punch their stupid fucking faces, but you needed your degree.

You decided against telling taehyung, which, yes, has proved to not be a good thing to do but you didnt want him to worry anymore about you. You are 23, a big girl who can handle childish college drama. they just need to get over it, and hopefully after they see that you dont care, they will move on with their lives.

"hey im back" taehyung walked into your room, a bag of snacks from the small store down the street, you were craving chips and he wasted no time going to grab them for you.

"are these good?" he held up the snacks, making your stomach growl,

"mm yes, thank you baby" he came over and gave you them, kissing you on the forehead. "what else did you get?" you smiled, looking at the semi-full grocery bag in his hand.

He turned shy, a small innocent smile on his face, "oh um.." he reached into the bag and pulled out a small teddy bear that had the initial of K on it, it was utterly adorable. he giggled softly, "I saw it there and thought it would be cute for the uh, baby" he spoke quietly.

"taehyung" you pouted, holding the bear, "im gonna cry this is such a soft thing for you to do" you giggled and looked at him, "they will love it honey"

"you think?" he smiled

"yes of course" you cupped his face, your heart filled with so much love for this boy, "come here" you whispered, arms reaching over his shoulders as he gently laid against you.

"youre so fucking cute...I love you" you whispered, hand running in his hair

"I love you too" he hummed, eyes closing against your chest.

You looked at the bear again, brining it closer to you. "K for kim"

"yess" he giggled softly

You kissed his head gently and held him tight, "thank you...for being here."

"I wouldnt miss out on this for anything, y/n."

You tried your best to not tear up at his soft words

"can I?" he gestured to your stomach

you nod, curious to what he wants to do

He carefully rolls up your tank top and kisses your stomach, whispering something

"Hi baby, its tae- er, its your daddy" he giggled, looking up at you as you watched happily

"I know from your perspective, things seem crazy but I promise mommy and I are gonna make you the happiest baby ever, we love you so much" he smiled, kissing your stomach once more as you felt tears fall. “We won’t let anything happen to you”

You brushed his hair back as he looked up, eyes meeting yours. “Honey why are you crying?”

“Because” stupid hormones.

He smiled and crawled up, kissing you gently before you brought him down to lay on you again.

“It’s silly…I was so fucking scared to tell you this, so afraid I’d be alone, or that shit would fall apart….but strangely now I feel like for the first time in forever, things are going ok”

He smiles as well, “I feel the same way, im genuinely happy”

“Me too…maybe this was meant to happen, hm?”

“The universe planted a baby into our laps and suddenly we are cured of any issue”

You laughed, “well, not quite, but in most aspects I feel happier than I did before, im glad we are doing this together”

“I am too, it’s gonna be so fun going to all the appointments and then finding out the gender, oh and getting to decorate the nursery”

You rubbed his back, feeling content in his words. “I was thinking about when we tell your family and mine, they are gonna be like oh my god when we tell them we are dating, then boom, pregnancy!”

He looked up, watching you as you spoke.

“Aren’t your parents gonna be angry we did things in the wrong order? Baby before marriage? What if I get disowned” you teased

“Listen, we both know my parents words aren’t anything to take seriously, they are all bark and no bite…im not gonna let them or anyone else do or say anything to hurt you”

“I just want us to be happy”

“And we will be, in our own little bubble” his hand gently rubbed your stomach “are you nervous? About motherhood?”

“More than anything taehyung”

“I’ll be here to help you, ok? You are such a sweet and loving person, you’ll have no issue being a mom and doing it flawlessly at that”

“It’s not just my skill I’m worried about, it’s just….it’s silly but I’m scared about my body changing. I struggle with these things and I know weight gain is healthy in pregnancy but…”

“Baby I refuse to hear you talk badly about your figure…look at you, so fucking sexy and you don’t even have to try. I don’t care what weight you are, or how you look now vs in 9 months, I love you for you and nothing will change that”

You frowned as he kissed all over your face “I love you too…”

“Eat your snacks baby, then let’s get some sleep yeah?”

“Yes…” you opened up the chip bag as taehyung got into his night clothes.

“Oh I scheduled the appointment today” you spoke up, biting into a wafer.

“Yeah? How was it?”

“Well I was a little timid about telling her but she was very happy to know and said she will take me in on Saturday morning for an ultrasound”

Taehyung jumped back into bed, “ah! This is so exciting baby”

“Mm” you giggle, giving him a chip.

“Do we find out the gender?”

You found his words adorable “no sweet boy, that’s not for a bit, but we get to hear the heartbeat and take home sonograms”

“Ohh, yay!” He smiled, cuddling back into you, arm resting over your abdomen protectively.

“Did you feed fishy?” You gesture to the small tank next to the bed. Taehyung shot up “shit…I will now, sorry little guy” he frowned.

“Hope you don’t forget to feed our human baby”

“No promises” he teased, sprinkling some food pellets into the water for the small yellow fish.

You waited for him to return next to you as he settled under the covers. “Comfy baby?” He whispered, shutting the lamp off.

“Mm” you cuddled into him once more as he rubbed your back.

“I love you”

“I love you more my angel, goodnight”

Taglist-

@turnthepageandbeburnt @taebangtanbabe @borahaexoxo @lelefoodlover @tan-veee @bokieya

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catnippackets · 2 months

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Do you have any interesting reoccuring dreams? I have one w the characters of inuyasha at like, a party kinda, and i swear to god ive been having this dream every few years since i first saw fucking inuyasha when i was wayyy too young (like 7 yrs old but i digress)

oh DO I!!!!! tbh I haven't had any recently but my whole life has just been one reoccurring dream after another

first of all, my webcomic The Backmaker is based on a reoccurring dream I had when I was a kid. my grandparents' house has this really creepy pantry door in the basement and I used to have this dream where I'd open it up and there'd just be a blank void in there and then I'd fall in and end up in a secret second basement with no windows that I couldn't escape from. never figured out what it meant but I had it for AGES and decided I should put it in a story some day

other reoccurring dreams I've had over the years were 1. finding myself behind the wheel of a moving vehicle surrounded by other cars and having no clue how to pull over and stop it, sometimes with other people in the car with me 2. my family moving into a new house that was always a gorgeous amazing perfect too-good-to-be-true house that I would always hate 3. being stalked through a forest as it slowly darkens by some animal and I can't find the exit 4. there's this mall that I go to sometimes and the layout never changes (except for one store which is a magic store and its gimmick is that it teleports around) and I'll just go to whatever store I feel like going to, that one's very fun 5. I had a LOT of dreams about being stuck in highschool (I even logged them in 2022 and I had over 40 of them which doesn't sound like a lot when I put it down on paper but it sure FELT like a lot), and those were interesting bc when I first started getting them I would be right at the beginning and my mom would be cheerfully telling me she signed me up for another 5 years even tho I literally am an adult with a career, and then as they wore on they'd be like "I'm just starting the last year!" and then near the end they were the very last day so I had to hunt down my locker and get all my shit out. I always had the same locker combination in every dream too, which was interesting since I've never had that combo in real life before. thankfully I haven't had a hs dream in a while, they are stressful as hell

#ask

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cainightfics · 5 months

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can we get an update? are u doing ok? u had such crazy output last year and now u so suddenly stopped

hey! ya sorry i went so mia its been a busy year. im still working on fic but its slow. from when i last updated trotw to april i was working 3 jobs, taking a full uni courseload, and writing my thesis. the thesis in particular honestly burned me out on writing really badly but i did manage to write that one oneshot

then summer was just shit honestly lol. i spent the entire summer working at a restaurant to save up money bc i had to move away in september, and the shift i had started at 6am, so i was almost never awake during my peak writing hours (11pm to 3am). i lost 30lbs in 2 months partially because i was broke and partially because my eating disorder relapsed (probably from stress lol). during that time i was only eating one meal a day in the form of my free staff lunch at work, but the restaurant where i worked was INFESTED WITH MICE :))))) so half the time i was too disgusted to eat thinking there might be rodent shit mixed into my food lol. and then on my days off i just ate like eggs and rice and zucchini bc thats what i got from the food bank. in august i started really genuinely and consciously restricting my calories down to like 500-800 cals per day, plus working on my feet as a waitress doing like 20k steps a day as a result of the malnutrition and rapid weight loss my hair started falling out in massive clumps :))) and i started sleeping for like 12 hrs a day. im eating properly now ofc tho

i moved in september for grad school and am now living in one of the most expensive cities in the world lol so i spend a lot of time just financially struggling. i have a job that will last until the end of december but its under contract so i only make like $600 a month and have to rely on my $14k school stipend and meagre savings for the rest. ive been looking for another job but i either get no interview, have the interviewer ghost me, or most recently, get told i have the job and then just never get scheduled. i have 7 cents in my checking account rn lol. my rent is paid until next month and then after that who knows whats gonna happen to me

last years output was definitely a fluke and only happened bc i was VERYYYY financially stable and could fuck around a lot at my part time job, where i wrote most of trotw. those sunny days are gone 🚬🚬 lol but i dont intend to abandon my works and i promise they will come someday. if anyone here feels like paying my rent itll come EVEN faster!!!

thx for checking up tho, its nice to know i havent been totally forgotten by u guys <3

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schizopositivity · 1 year

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recently i've been going into stupors for like 20-40 minutes where i'm just completely absent from the world and over the past week i've done a lot of reflecting and researching and OOPS does it turn out I have a lot of catatonic symptoms...

but no matter how much i surf the web i can't find anything on coping with them aside from taking meds (and i'm in like the three month long waiting period in getting referred to a psychiatrist. ugh.)...is there really nothing else that can be done with them? i have physical education next semester and i have no idea how to explain my symptoms to whoever my teacher will be. im thinking of going to my guidance counsellor but no matter what they can do to accomodate me im still just going to not be able to function normally in that class.

do you have any resources on how to deal with catatonic symptoms aside from meds, or at least how to explain them to non schizospecs?

to me this sounds more like dissociation. cause ive experienced both dissociation and catatonia and theres a distinct difference for me (and accounts ive read of others). this is purely my opinion based off this ask, i am not a mental health professional, just someone with experience.

dissociation you are not aware of your body, or viewing yourself from the outside or through an altered perseption. its common for people dissociating to feel absent from the world. i think its great that you are able to tell how long this goes on cause i know for me and plenty of others we cant really tell how long it goes on. spacing out is even a form of dissociation that falls on the less severe end of the spectrum. and that form is extremely common, i dont think ive met a single person who has never spaced out or lost chunks of time doing so. and dissociation is pretty common too, it comes in a lot of forms and is brought on by many disorders, trauma or stress. for me i have OSDD, so i dissociate very frequently and severely as a result of my childhood traumas. as far as treatments go, it usually is some sort of therapy to adress the cause of the dissociation. for me that was EMDR therapy that i found very helpful. as far as accomidations in school go, id advise you to go to your student resource center. for college there is usually an ADA office, for middle/highschool there is the counselors office. both usually require a formal diagnosis, or a letter of recomendation from a professional for you to show what your disorder/symptoms are and then you can tell them what accomidations you need for it.

catatonia in my experience is very different. i am very aware of my body. i am seeing the world as clear as i normally do, and i just simply cannot move at all or can only do one motion over and over again. for other catatonics they can appear agitated, be in strange positions, speak in echolalia and other symptoms that arent shutting down completely. for me, i feel trapped, and i tell my body to move as i usually do and it just cant. its extremely distressing, i feel broken, and im screaming and moving on the inside, but totally quiet and motionless on the outside. and if i am able to move one joint, ill move it over and over in an attempt to get some sort of help. catatonia usually occurs in disorders like schizophrenia, bipolar, autism spectrum disorder, and in many medical conditions. it is seen as a pretty severe symptom because it literally stops all physical functioning. and yes sadly there isnt much treatment besides medicine and just waiting it out (like ive done every time ive had it). from my experience it doesnt matter what people say or do around me, ill understand them perfectly, but it still wont snap me out of it.

from the outside these two symptoms can look the same, someone not moving and staring blankly. but according to the DSM, catatonia is not a form of dissociation. and although there isnt many public accounts of how catatonia feels, i have never heard anyone describe it as "completely absent from the world". but i have heard countless times people describe dissociation like that.

its also worth noting that not being able to move the body at all even if you want to can be a symptom of a medical condition, and if you have the chance i think its worth bringing up to a dr.

but if it really feels like being completely absent from the world i think thats something that a lot of people understand the experience of. spacing out is extremely common. and many people i know, people who do not have dissociative disorders, have experienced times where they spaced out and lost chunks of time. im not trying to downplay it or say its not cause for concern, but if you think the words fit, i think explaining it to other people as "spacing out" or "dissociating" will have a lot more people understanding what it is and how to work around it.

sorry for this very long answer, its just an intresting subject, and i have lots of personal experience with both and i want more people to understand the difference. once again i cant say for sure if you do or dont have catatonia. but i think dissociation is something that would be worth your time to research. and articles comparing the two are lengthy and talk more about underlying causes, while sadly i couldnt find anything comparing how they both felt, i do have my own experiences to talk about and hopefully explain it from the pov of the person experiencing it rather than the dr observing it.

#answered #catatonia #dissociating #spacing out #tagging cause i talked about these things not diagnosing them

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semiotomatics · 7 months

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putting my "personal spewage" tag to good use

so this week has been. good. like really good. ive been sleeping so much better (like, ive been able to fall asleep in under 30 minutes for the last 3 nights!! and have stayed asleep for 10 solid hours every night!! thats unprecedented!!!) and feeling less stressed (still stressed, but less stressed) and have had more energy (tho that could just be the coffee ive been drinking lol) and just generally feeling good. like, i had an idk ~a ha moment the other day where i realized theres a difference between my mood and my function. bc, altho historically both my mood and my function have been low, lately only my function has been low. and it still is, im still struggling to do even basic self-care/body maintenance/just general life tasks, but ive been getting better at it (ive eaten at least one full meal a day! i brushed my teeth for no other reason than because i knew i needed to!) and not wanting to die has really helped with that. it still feels way too early to declare a victory and i have major stressors on the horizon that im waiting to see how they will affect me, cause im kind of in a stressor lull right now (money's okay, family's okay, work's okay, etc) which i keep thinking is why im feeling relatively okay, but still. i feel okay. thats amazing. tho its also kinda terrifying and i keep thinking "oh god i feel okay does that mean i have to go back to work what if i freak out again what if i cant handle it" etc etc but like. i keep reminding myself i dont have to go back to work until im legitimately ready to go back, no ones going to force me to go back when im not ready to, and im hoping to go back part-time anyway so that its easier on me, which will help, so. yeah. hopefully it'll be okay.

but anyway, im just so excited at some of the thoughts and feelings ive had recently. mental illness is so good at making you forget what it feels like to be happy and healthy and alive and in love with the world. i had been stuck in that dark cloud for so long, and i still don't feel like the skies are totally clear, but im seeing hints of blue through the grey and its amazing. i want to love being alive. i want to look forward to my future. i want to be happy. i really really hope this lasts and i get to just be happy.

#this has been an original post #personal spewage

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aloe-veraaaa · 9 months

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ive been thinking *alot* about into the radius, i recently beat ir and its been a wonderful fucking experience and one of my all time favorites of any game fucking ever, and it all comes from how fucking powerless the game makes you feel for such a long time

early on i wasnt very smart about resource management, i didnt loot everything, i didnt search every crevice and structure for a possible stash of ammo or guns, i survived off of my gsh-18 and sawed off alone, and every challenge felt monumental, every single mission felt like a journey with a unique obstacle, whether it be the extensive walk through anomaly filled areas fighting loads of seekers and fragments, or learning to use the artifact detector while climbing snd falling off of the fucked up structures

by the time i got to pobeda, i was genuinely fucking out of resources, i was buying ammo and heals constsntly and i was using them up rapidly, i finally learned that i needed ap ammo and i decided once i bought some, id take on *the intrusion*

the intrusion was the scariest snd most stressful 2 hours ive ever had in a fucking game, having to take an unbelievably slow and extra careful but agonizing fucking walknthrough the factory, every enemy taking a fuckload of bullets that i couldnt afford to waste, but somehow by some stroke of luck i didnt run out, and every new section was horrible, constantly overwhelmed and realizing i still had more to go, AND TBEN WHEN I FINALLY FOUND THE CASE, I REALIZED IT TOOK UP A WHOLE HAND TI CARRY???

the walk home from it was genuinely a nightmare and by the time i got back i saved the game and didnt touch it again for a few days, relieved but still shook

the missions after that were such a fuckung cakewalk though sfter i really.learned how to loot and get money, though my first encounter with sliders was horrifying and then just painfully difficult, once i learned how to kill them, and once i obtained an mp5 it was fucking over i was so powerful and unstoppable, and when i could finally find the aug out in the map, and save uo enough to get a spas-12, the last 2 missions of the game were some of the most fun ive had playing vr, going from being so powerless and having to play so carefully to actually being incredibly powerful snd unstoppable was so rewarding and refreshing for a game that i was so hesitsnt to really dig into

big tip for any players who wanna get better or are, do some extra runs to loot everything, you can get uo to 10k per run if you cover whole maps, dont soend money to repair guns you find, get as many artifacts as possible, get that mp5, and fuck shit up (and please please use p+ ammo)

#into the radius #virtual reality #vr games #survival horror

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emlos · 10 months

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Why your boss needs to know? Seems kinda too personal. Isn't there a law forbiding this?

ahh its so complicated [this is the summary of my year so far]

i work in germany and almost all of it is going through my union

im not a student OR an employee per se im a "dual student" so i have an apprenticeship and full time university, but that also mean that i have a contract

i also work at a huge fuckoff car corporation. like HUGE huge

the contract specifies that i HAVE to finish uni in the 3.5 years/7 semesters and that our boss, "ausbilder", which is more like a trainer or mentor to a degree, has to know our exam situation. also if my place of work decides my grades are ass they CAN fire me

i am. very non-functional and depressed and i have a host of other problems and i failed literally more than half of my exams and i had to explain it to my boss

germany has a different attitude towards labor than america, especially the way apprentices are approached -> were worth a lot of money to them so they try to keep us as hard as they can

so i did what my union actually advised me, and i told my boss that i have health issues, and i had a breakdown in front of him by accident, and he asked me like. if im going to a psychiatrist and i was honest "hey yeah theres no way i can make finish uni in 7 semesters"

so he suggested getting an extension on my contract, for an extra semester, but id have to go to the psychiatrist for it since a qualified opinion and diagnosis AND treatment is necessary for them to allow the extension

so uh. the next time he called to check up on me (hes really quite nice, also he told me his son was dealing with it too), i lied and said "ofc im in therapy and im doing great :D" i was doing neither and i just pulled a psychiatrist outta my ass. all that because i am the #stereotypical millenial that gets an panic attack when calling on the phone

i lived in awful stress of the lie, the mounting uni work that i DID NOT STUDY FOR AT ALL and the fact that i havent organized some work meetings i was supposed to have after the semester ended, which is like. uber important

and like. its so embarrassing but it genuinely made my life hell. ive been self harming a lot and like. talking to people and i genuinley feel like im falling apart

i also havent really cleaned my room or my kitchen the past few months and ive been subsisting mainly on junk food and like. alcohol (also i slipped into my old ed AND i tried to kill myself. also i have a problem with alcohol recently). so like. NOT GOOD LMAO

so when he told me "hey! whats up, can we talk about how ur doing?" i KNEW i couldnt keep the lie going, like. there was nowhere to go. i couldnt get an extension on the contract since im not really in therapy and i cant get a place at such short notice, and my uni exams are in a week and i havent studied for them

so i just. told him the truth. i told him about the lie and how embarrassing it was for me to not be able to call, and i told him i cant keep the uni going and i just want to have at least a finished ausbildung. and jesus christ is he a nice man, my boss

so now im officially switching from "duales studium" to "ausbildung" meaning i wont have a degree but i will have a qualified job title which for an IT guy is worth almost as much

so uh. i guess crisis averted or i lucked out with my employer fr

anyway this is gonna feel like nothing in a few years, and i wont even remember it, but GOD this was the worst 6 months of my lfie

#god #update #sorry to spring it on you anon #but i the summary is as much for you as its for me #ill need to reread that in a few months #text #ask #anon #tw depression #tw suicide #tw self harm #tw ed #this is just to be sure #uhhhhhhh #vent #man idk #im gonna go get drunk now

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transjarlaxle · 7 months

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⌛, 💕, 💣, 🤲, 🏡 :3

from this ask game !

this is mostly gonna be about kaine but starting with a gale thing because i have a TANGENT to go on

⌛a sleep headcanon: YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GLAD YOU BROUGHT IT UP BECAUSE IVE BEEN DYING TO TALK ABOUT IT FOR A FUCKING HOT MINUTE. in fact i was talking about it the other night in chat but. you made a post about the powers that mystra's chosen had, and a few stood out to me, namely that mystra's chosen don't age, and they have no need for sleep. i won't get into my gale age conspiracy at the moment BUT i will be emo about the sleep thing. gale spent a century however long not needing to sleep - and who knows how long he would spend in the outer planes at a time? he's barely a year out of his self-imposed exile following the loss of his power - i know he cannot sleep. as a chronic insomnia haver i can only imagine what it's like to have to readjust to a fully human body again. enter: a dragon whose love language is physical touch. can't sleep? too bad. get in the bed, boy, you have a lover who needs to lay directly on top of you, and by the gods they are going to bring you a comfort you have never known before. even on his worst nights he'd rather be there, with them.

💕a love headcanon: kaine is young, and sheltered, but not inexperienced. they fall in love easily, but they're fickle - or they used to be. something shifted with gale. if they think about it too hard their chest starts to hurt. really, it's that he sees them. with all the others, they were never able to be themself, always hiding something, and they don't have to do that with him. it's freedom - that freedom they've always craved and never had.

💣a stress headcanon: kaine rarely allows themself to feel their stress. it builds, and they ignore it, until they can't anymore - they snap, and they lash out with cruel words and vicious laughter, or their magic becomes so volatile their shackles struggle to contain them. it takes someone with a lot of patience, arcane acuity, and spacial awareness to help them through it. luckily, they have that :)

🤲a religious headcanon: i have pages upon pages of lore on kaine's homeland and the demiplane it used to inhabit and its history but to make a long fuckin story short: kaine's bloodline claims their divine right to rule based on lineage connected to the most powerful deity of their pantheon. in this version of events, when said demiplane was dismantled and valais was returned to faerun, it was also revealed that those deities were, in fact, dragons, and while kaine's bloodline exists, and their power is very real, it wasn't gods at all, just an ancient wizard's failed attempt to create a new kind of god. as such, valesian custom doesn't recognize the gods of faerun, but that's simply borne of a lack of exposure. that said, kaine struggles with the idea that their power isn't divine. dragons in faerun seem so... small, in comparison. the power they have roiling under their skin is much more than that. i think kaine and gale talk about divinity at length, both of them with their differing views on it, but both having fairly recently gone through shit that's altered what they previously thought to be true.

🏡a home headcanon can i talk about the kainegale weddings im dying to talk about the kainegale weddings ok so basically. after all is said and done and kaine is stabilized and gale is certain they're not going to drop dead again, they go back to waterdeep. kaine is probably the one to bring it up - gale is uncertain about too much change at once, but they want to see his home, see his tower in person. they spend some time there, working out everything they havent processed yet, and after a year or two, they decide to get married. kaine is so excited over the idea of it that they agree without even considering the consequences of getting married outside of their country - where they need to ascend the throne one day - but it's a wonderful little affair, and they don't regret it at all. eventually, of course, kaine does tell gale that they need to go home at some point, and gale's nothing if not supportive, so they go together. kaine tells him under no uncertain terms that he is not to mention the fact that they're already married, and they will be having another ceremony, several in fact, because they still need to be named and coronated before they can be married in the eyes of their ancestors. in the end, that's where they stay, ruling together. it's no crown of karsus, but it's a crown all the same.

#ask #long ass post. i would apologize but im not sorry #thank you<3 #kaine silva #gale of waterdeep #otp: souls of steel

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thinkingnot · 11 months

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hey hoodieeeeeeeeeee, *falls face first into the ground* (just quoted a lyric from one of my songs) what are your best tips for taking exams? *trips again* DAMN THESE SHOES! (I'm tired btw)

hru? (^^) 🌹

recently ive not been good exam taker but back before the pandemic i got sum layout :D!!

1. rank the subjects, materials you have to study: most to least important to your final results, and then hard to easy to study for, this sequence will be used to plan your studying schedule

i usually go like this:

1. hard

2. medium hard

3. subject i like and is easy to study for

4. hard again

this could be for the day or for whatever time you have to study. you focus firstly on hard subjects, sprinkle in the easy and fun ones to not be too stressed out and come back to the hard ones :D

you can also separate the material of a subject:

monday - physics theories

tuesday - maths practice tests

wednesday - physics practice tests

^ you also learn the theories later, by doing practice tests youll remember the theories and understand them better or vise versa depends on how you work!

and lastly, cram <- yea i would make detailed schedules for the weekends (down to the hour) and then throw them but it works cuz andrenaline yk <- not advised you may feel very sick after

i usually study for the subject tested first and sprinkle in the other subjects and like the days after subject 1 and before subject 2 i would study for the subject 2 and it works (its actually just another

style of cramming 😭)

to memorize you could read through the thing and try to recall the parts you could => zoom focus on the parts you couldnt and read it again and again repeating the process :D

#like a whole sentence ‘i got cookies’ and you could recall cookies so you read i got again and again and try testing yourself ‘i —-cookies’#and you focus on got and then the whole thing 👌#sorry if its not helpful #i cant focus good so i usually end up cramming 😭#good luck on your exams!!#hoodie’s moots #hoodie’s ask #a radio d3mon

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qumiiiquinnquin · 10 months

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it's difficult telling others or reminding myself that ive been physically and emotionally abused throughout a majority of my life , and suffer from childhood trauma

i constantly feel like im faking it or im lying to people , when im not

my family doesn't believe in me being abused in any way , which makes me keep believing that what i grew up with is normal or it was all my fault and i deserved it all. my nana has directly gaslit me telling me that she hasn't done anything wrong to my sibling and i , which i had initially cried as soon as those words were said to me. but since that incident , ive been starting to believe her

ive been attempting to gaslight myself into believing that everything from my childhood that i ever thought was abuse or trauma wasn't real and i just made enormous deals over small things , and it's now my responsibility to fix everything that ive done and mend my family back together since it's because of me that it's falling apart

it didn't really work. all it did was make the stress worse. i tried to put on a mask of "it's fine! im completely fine! i grew up in a loving environment with people who care about me and i cannot relate to this person talking about their childhood trauma because i made up these delusions that i grew up in an abusive family and i cannot talk bad about my family at all because it was all my fault!" whenever i would try to use that mindset , all it did was make me begin shaking , and trying to put on a smile made me feel like i was going to burst into tears. when ive tried to gaslight myself about it in the past , id repeat "im fine" and "its fine" over and over and would tend to spiral , which would result in breakdowns

ive even talked about my situation and past events with friends , who have told me that no , the way i was raised with all of the manipulation and control over me isn't normal. the way my mom "raised" me wasn't normal and her actions solidified why she doesn't have custody over my sibling and i , the way my nana treated us growing up ((and by the way , the way she treats LITERALLY EVERYONE IN THIS FAMILY)) was very emotionally abusive and her trying to dictate our lives , my "aunt" was very much like my nana and even tried to live through my sibling and i , my stepdad prioritizes himself and my mom and has blindly yelled at us in defense of my mom's unjust actions or his own selfishness. only recently did i find out here that spanking counts as abuse , which is something my dad wasn't hesitant to do with my sibling and i multiple times. additionally , having hit my sibling and i on the hands once , pulled out the belt on my sibling , and threatened to punch me in the jaw when i was 10. he's believed that being physical with me by grabbing my hands and hitting them against something and then raising his voice at me is the only way to get me to snap out of an episode.

i really want to cut contact with relatives , but i worry im being overdramatic. i fear im stuck in the past and refusing to move on , and now sit in this trench that i dug and called "childhood trauma" for myself. i know all of these people feel bad for what they've done , if they have recognized the things they've done. they've done nice things for us growing up , cared about us , told us that they love us a lot. i would feel bad if i did completely cut contact with any of them.

the only person im not willing to cut contact with is my dad. the rest , ive been told it's understandable that id want to. but i feel like im not justified in doing so. because i know they feel bad. i know they love me. if they could change , they would , and really it's my fault for not forgiving them.

except , who i want to cut contact with doesn't matter. being able to escape my abusers and those who have caused me trauma to begin with is a dream. i can't leave. my only way of escaping is if they pass on. unless something happens , that will not happen until im in my 50s or 60s , maybe my 70s. im only 18. i am expected to keep seeing my mom's side of the family as much as i possibly can , even though im no longer required to. if i don't , i get guilt-tripped and yelled at. this is why im contemplating , because i know there's no way out for a very long time

it's all very difficult. i hope one day i can finally leave and get to know what freedom is like. until then , i have to keep reminding myself that it is all real and that my trauma isn't fake. one day it'll finally be a pill i manage to swallow , but for the moment i just have to somehow keep going from day to day.

#vent #tw child trauma #tw abuse #long post #tw sui mention

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tmgstudios · 8 months

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Ok so i just saw a post about narcolepsy for you and i have a little question. I have no idea how to check when something was posted on tumblr (mobile) so sorry if that post was super long ago!

Anyways, I always push going to the doctor about anything away for as long as i can, especially with specialists. You know how it is, doctors suck, I don't wanna bother if they're just gonna ignore me and tell me to excercize.

But! I recently found out more about narcolepsy, and that it's more than just "randomly falls asleep" disorder, and i realosed that i relate a lot to the symptoms. I've found a really good way to leqrn about a disorder is to talk to people who have it because again, doctors suck and sometimes have no idea what they're talking about.

So today i woke up not feeling rested at all. I felt like a very vivid and stressful dream had been going on all night and I'm pretty sure i woke up a few times (might've been a dream too tho). I went back to sleep for 10 minutes (i actually checked the time so this is correct) and had at least 2 dreams, because i kept half way waking up. When I'm actually asleep i feel kind of awake, but I can't actually do anything. This happens every once in a while.

After getting home from school I'm always pretty tired and need some time to calm down, but that seems pretty normal. What isn't is that i do my stuff as always and then (usually while watching videos) randomly become SO tired. It feels like it's 5 am and I haven't slept yet, except its 2-3 pm. Sometimes i try to push through, sometimes i just give in, but i almost always end up falling asleep anyways and then sleep until 7-9 pm. I usually struggle to get my body to actually get up and not just keep sleeping, and apparently once had a whole conversation without any recollection that i even got up. I can still sleep all night after.

I just thought this was "normal" ADHD/fatigue/generally disabled stuff, but now I'm thinking it might not be.

Well i guess this isn't really a question, but it'd be cool if you could maybe give some insight on this? Maybe if you know anyone with narcolepsy who experiences this kinda stuff or it happens to you? (Of course you don't have to share anything you don't want to) Or maybe you know something else this could be?

Yeah, that's pretty much it, i guess. If you need more details on anything i don't mind telling you and i hope you have a great day/night! (Sorry this is kind of really long)

hello!!! so what you described is actually really similar to how i experience sleep attacks. i also def have full conversations without any recollection when i apparently woke up, according to my roommate. i cant Diagnose anything for you, but what youve described sounds really similar to my experiences with narcolepsy as well as others ive talked to. sorry i like Just woke up so my brain is (more then)a little scattered but yeah. def are things that i experience 👍

#bonemeal #also literally no worries about sending me an ask ever #wishing you luck and good days :)

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pendragora · 4 months

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so yeah hard mental health times. i need to yell into the void. beware.

special disclaimer for my moots that feel the pressure of helping others: dont even think about it. dont feel the need to say anything, if you opened this.

its okay. ill be okay.

for the past two weeks ive been balancing being sick and trying to work to end semester well with my students. i am still trying to understand how my work in this community college actually ... works. it is hard sometimes. some days are better than the others, sometimes i feel like an absolute shit, sometimes i feel like garbage. it is fine. i know the source of this and, unfortunately, the source won't go away. it's the background noise of my life - being autistic.

unfortunately, this is not something that can be resolved. the pressure of being an autistic person in the world of neurotypical people is constant, even when i am on my own inside of my home. usually it is just about not being normal enough. i am used to it. as much as i try to go by with my little rules, my own routines and categorizing things the way they should be - it is not always a winning strategy because human interaction is anything but structured and operated by rules. in times when all i built to assist myself fails, my main concern is my own feelings - i tend to dramatisize a lot, which is, shocker, also an autism thing for me. no matter the therapy, no matter the work i put in, it is a to-go strategy for my mind always, and i guess it is to stay with me for my whole life. my own feelings and my own self becomes a priority when i can't have any control on the situation because it is very easy to fall into a spiral and make yourself feel unworthy of life. recently i had a breakthrough. i managed to get out of the dramatic state after an unpleasant situation in class within ten minutes time of working through it and rationalizing. it felts good. i felt proud.

mainly i just... i think i wanted to say that it was really hard to manage both the world around you and yourself. some days i feel like i am my own supervisor, my parental figure (tbh ive always been my own parent of sort) and at the same time my own trouble kid in the class. i have to at the same time mask and put out "neurotypical" persona to work through situations while my mind is acfively spiralling with intense emotions and i am throwing my all into attempting to stop it.

it's... tiring. it requires a lot. every single thing in life requires something of me. i have to put in effort into the smallest things because if i dont do it right i will be infinitely upset about myself and it will serve as a reminder that i am different. that even with people i feel most comfortable around, with the closest friends of mine i feel detached and isolated because first i must do things right and then i must do everything else. one time i was so stressed that i did not manage myself and went into my initial, not learned, reactions recently and it ended in a disaster with my friends that was looming over me for weeks prior to december.

it is just... hard. it is hard to always manage yourself. and i cant even tell anyone really because i dont... i dont want pity, or comfort, or anything else. i just want to be acknowledged. i just want to be told that indeed it is hard what i am doing. that i am doing great still. that all of my effort is not pointless.

i know it will never be any easier. i know that this is my reality as an autistic person. and im fine with that. it is life and i guess it is what it is. as long as im alive i am grateful for what i have even if my life just has to complete a combo of things that make me stand out and be different. i learned how to live the way i am. i learned and i will learn again and again how to live my own life. if only i could just... get that pat on the back and a hug from somebody who would understand and see me and efforts put.

i will put a little trigger warning here for suicide attempt. if somebody is reading this, don't read further. it will only be a mention, but still. need to make sure it's okay.

———————————————————————

i've been really unstable recently because in first half of december two years ago i almost ended this all for myself. it was a positive thing. it made me realize i needed to change somethint, i needed to seek help. and i did. i was in therapy. i was medicated. i somehow got out of the university and now my life is better than ever. no depression. no panic attacks. no desire to die. i live well and i want to live. i dont wake up every morning with the feeling of dread. i don't wake up to a regret. i wake up ready for the day. i wake up, go to my work and enjoy what i do. mostly i am... happy for the place i am at. everything else that is a dramatic worry of mine will be figured out and dealt with. i know i can handle it and find the best way for myself. i've done that before and i will do it again.

but because of how traumatic this time was for me two years ago, i am not very okay now. it is another background noise. it is another backhround noise that adds to all the other noises i have. and it is too much. this time it is too much. so i step down. take a deep breath. type this. i feel tears streaming down my cheeks, which is good.

it will be better. i will get better.

#lena exposed #not delete later but a secret option: to bury under countless reblogs

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