I feel I am still struggling with the burden that carrying the Takeda sword places upon me. I know I have questioned it before. The words of my love, Vylette, quelled the questions and thoughts before but they continue to surface. Am I bringing honor to the family name? Am I holding to the right principles in the name of bearing the weight of the sword? I sometimes do not know and this troubles me.
I find solace at night in Vylette’s arms and her love so the nightmares that first plagued me when I took another’s spirit from their body have not found their way to me despite the number rising. Did I rob those people their chance at redemption? What of their parents, their lovers, their children, their siblings? My mind races to wonder what these people I may have wronged with the end of a blade may have been to someone else in the world. Will those people soon come seeking the one who stole the one they loved away.
And could I even blame them if they did? If so0meone out there took Vylette from me would I just leave it to the ways of Kami? My mother? I know I know! I have lost my father and brother but, Diary, do you know the anger that festered in me when I found my path passing that of a Garlean embassy? To see those walls. Those Garleans walking along the grounds and especially the guards. Often I wondered if those were soldiers on the lines that may have taken my family from me.
I still find thoughts tracing back to my lost father and brother. Wondering who they would be if they had not been taken from me. What would they think of me now or of Vylette? How much laughter and happiness would have been in my life with them circling me along with the person I love? And it was taken from me just like I may have taken those chances away from others. Am I truly honorable?
I have spoken to Vylette and my sensei Kaelivh about these thoughts. Both understood my burden and what they say to me is true. I protected myself and others. If I did not I would not be here. I would not be experiencing the happiness my path holds for me now. I wouldn’t be experiencing the world around me and finding my path in a world that long existed only in books for me.
Maybe the answers will come to my path soon or maybe I will stop being so harsh on myself. Is that what I am doing? I still wonder where Synaia is and miss her blunt and hard words to me during times I would share my inner thoughts with her. I have found sensei and his sister are similar to this so maybe it’s a highlander thing? Or maybe I just miss Synaia’s friendship and the sisterhood we built since she never had a second thought of knocking me upside the head to get me thinking straight!
Anyroad, I have bothered you enough with my words, Diary! I will let you be for now and continue my dance. To know my path is to know myself and I will find my answers to continue walking my path in this world. I will not relent in finding my way. That I promise to you.