Mihawk vs The Seals
Summary: Every year, hundreds of seals return to Kuraigana Island to mate, including Mihawk's nemesis. His name is Neil.
Characters: Mihawk, Zoro, Perona, Neil the Seal as I imagine him in the One Piece Universe
Warnings: Some minor language, bittersweet mood. It's not crack, but it's almost crack. Crack-lite, if you will.
Note: Listen. It's extremely important to me that you know three things before you read this.
1) I haven't written anything substantial in several months. I was hoping to get The Warlord and the Revolutionary final chapters up today, but this happened instead.
2) I have been heavily on Neil the Seal TikTok.
3) This is my first day taking Adderall. I wrote this in 3.5 hours, starting with nothing more than a very vague concept. I guess that means it's working.
Take that all for what you will. Should I have published this? Maybe not. But here we are.
It was another day on Kuraigana Island for Mihawk, Zoro, and Perona. The two young pirates had been living with Mihawk for only a few months. Spring was slowly starting to reach the island, the weather beginning to warm ever so slightly. The three pirates sat down at the breakfast table, when Mihawk heard it: A loud, emotional braying sound from outside. He sighed heavily, placing his coffee cup on the table. Zoro and Perona exchanged a look.
“What,” Zoro said slowly, “The ever-loving hell was that?”
“That is the worst sound I’ve ever heard,” Perona added. “Like a vacuum cleaner sucking up a small elephant.”
“The seals are back,” Mihawk stated plainly, already feeling a headache coming on.
“The…seals?” Perona asked tentatively.
Mihawk sipped his coffee and sighed. “Every year around 300 seals come to this island to mate. For the next two weeks or so, the beach behind the castle will be their mating grounds.”
Perona’s eyes lit up, and she floated quickly to the window to look outside. A number of large, gray-ish blue seals were already beginning to gather on the beach. “EEEE they’re so cute!”
"They’re not cute,” Mihawk shot back, “They’re a menace. They’re loud, they take over the whole castle grounds, and they shit everywhere . Once they leave I have to have a company come in and rake the beach like a giant litterbox, and I have to spray down the bridge and patio every day. It’s a nightmare. A loud, smelly, destructive nightmare”
Zoro was trying not to chuckle at his mentor’s annoyance at seals of all things. “Can’t you, like, do anything about it?”
"Of course not,” Mihawk replied curtly. “They’re wild animals, I have no control over them. However, I did try slicing one up to send a message my first year here. They didn’t care. Then I just felt bad about killing it. I ate nothing but seal meat for weeks. Got a nice rug out of it though.”
Zoro laughed at the absurdity of the situation, and Mihawk narrowed his eyes. “You laugh now, Roronoa, but you won’t be when it’s 3am and you can’t sleep because there’s a seal orgy happening outside your window.” Mihawk drained his coffee cup and stood. “Both of you, come. We need to check the seal-proofing on the castle before we begin training for the day.”
“Seal-proofing?” Perona asked, floating behind him.
“Yes, I’ve boarded up several of the lower entrances because if I don’t they will get inside the castle. The last thing I want is to come downstairs to find a pile of seals sleeping in the living room. Again.”
Zoro and Perona followed Mihawk outside. Numerous seals were gathered, mostly on the beach, but some were beginning to flop their way up the paths, and some were swimming in the lake. Mihawk walked confidently through the fray, watching his step as he went. Perona eyed them cautiously. They were much larger up close, and distinctly less cute. “Mihawk,” Perona asked cautiously as one brayed loudly at her, “Are they, ya know, dangerous?”
“For someone like you, perhaps,” he replied calmly, though irritation still laced his words. “They can be quite territorial, but generally if you keep your distance and don’t bother them, they won’t bother you. I recommend flying a little higher than you normally might to avoid any trouble.” Perona immediately obeyed, floating an extra few feet off the ground.
The three made their way around the perimeter of the castle, checking various entrances to ensure Mihawk’s make-shift seal proofing was holding up, and making repairs where it wasn’t. Upon the path, a seal blocked their way. It was easily the largest Zoro and Perona had seen so far, its enormous body marred with the scars of many years in the ocean. Mihawk stood before it, narrowing his golden eyes and crossing his arms. “Hello, Neil.” The seal brayed loudly in response, flecks of saliva misting the three pirates.
Mihawk only continued to glare as he wiped his face with his sleeve. “Move,” he demanded. Neil barked in defiance, rolling over onto his back in a move Mihawk could only presume was seal for “fuck you, make me.”
“You, uh…you named the seal?” Zoro asked hesitantly, again trying to hold in his laughter to not make Mihawk any angrier than he already was.
“Yes, I’ve named several of the more annoying ones. This is Neil. He’s my nemesis. I hate him and he hates me.”
Zoro placed a hand over his mouth, turning his back to keep in his laughter, but he couldn’t do it. He let out a loud guffaw, bracing his hands on his knees as he laughed. “Neil the seal?! You gave him a rhyming name? And he’s your nemesis ?!” Neil let out a bark too, it almost sounded like laughing.
Mihawk’s face grew red. “Neil, move!” he demanded. As the seal let out a series of short, mocking barks it finally obeyed, moving off the path and towards the beach, satisfied that it had thoroughly humiliated Mihawk enough for one day. Mihawk took a deep breath and continued down the path.
“Watch your step, Zoro,” Mihawk stated as they walked, without even looking at the young man behind him. Before Zoro had a chance to ask why, he felt his boot land in something squishy.
“Ugh, dammit,” Zoro lamented, pulling his boot from the glob of seal poo Neil had left behind with a thwack .
“Haha!” Perona taunted in a sing-song voice, “You stepped in seal poo!”
Zoro grumbled, trying to wipe the bulk of the mess from his boots in the dirt. “It’s gonna be a long two weeks.”
And boy was it! Mihawk hadn’t been exaggerating about the noise. It was exceptionally loud, to the point where they were all constantly exhausted from lack of sleep. Perona even attempted to sound-proof her room by stacking her plushies in front of the windows, but despite her rather impressive collection, no amount of plushies was enough to keep the noise at bay with the room’s enormous, gothic windows.
Zoro and Mihawk’s training was often interrupted by the seals flopping along between them, paying absolutely no mind to the two men and their large, sharp swords. One day they attempted to move their training inside to the dungeons, only to find that a dozen seals had broken Mihawk’s barrier, and were now mating loudly. Between chasing the seals outside and cleaning up the mess the animals had made, they got no training done that day. As they cleaned and mopped, Mihawk could have sworn he heard Zoro grumble something about “never wanting to see a seal dick again.”
And then there was Neil. Though Zoro had laughed when Mihawk confidently declared Neil his nemesis, the giant seal did seem to find a perverse joy in tormenting Mihawk, personally. As Mihawk defiantly took his afternoon tea and daily cigarette out on the patio, despite the noise and the smell (a holdover from his younger days, and one of the few simple pleasures in his life), Neil would flop his enormous body up the stairs and honk directly at the swordsman, one time knocking over the small table and sending his teacup shattering on the ground before flopping away, letting out short, loud honks that Mihawk was positive was laughter. Perona tried her best to glue the teacup back together, but it was rather leaky and had to be discarded.
Neil also enjoyed standing directly outside of Mihawk’s window and bellowing at night, and occasionally charging directly at him. Mihawk was strong, but he wasn’t indestructible, and one thousand pounds of seal would certainly hurt him. Then of course, there were the daily “gifts” Neil left on the front doorstep. They appeared in the morning after breakfast, so Mihawk had no evidence that it was Neil, but he knew deep down that it was him.
One day, roughly two weeks from the day they began appearing on the island, the seals began leaving, their mating for the season done. Mihawk sat outside with his afternoon tea and his cigarette, not making the same mistake of placing the teacup on the table twice, lest Neil see it as an invitation. Zoro stepped outside, leaning over the bannister as the seals began slipping into the sea.
“How do you do this every year?” Zoro asked genuinely. “I’m exhausted after dealing with it once.”
Mihawk shrugged as he took a drag on his cigarette. “It’s only for two weeks out of the year. It’s annoying certainly, but it’s a small price to pay for the otherwise silence and isolation of living here.”
After a moment of silence, Mihawk chuckled, a noise Zoro rarely heard from the man. “You know, one time I was getting ready to set out to sea for a Warlord meeting. A mandatory one, another one of those ‘show up or you’ll lose your position’ things. I got to my boat and Neil was there, lying on deck, sound asleep. I tried to get him to move, but he wouldn’t.”
Zoro grinned. Mihawk so rarely told him anything about himself or his past. He was automatically intrigued, always curious to know more about his mentor, even if he’d never openly admit it. “How’d that turn out?”
Mihawk grinned right back, as if they were sharing an understanding. “I took a picture and mailed it to Sengoku. No note, just the picture. Didn’t hear a word back from him. Showed up at the next meeting like nothing happened, but Sengoku later gave me the same picture back, framed. He’d thought it was the funniest thing he’d ever seen: a powerful Warlord of the Sea, trapped on his private island by a giant seal.”
Zoro laughed softly. Something about the idea of the Fleet Admiral gifting one of his Warlords a ridiculous seal picture seemed absurd to him. But he’d seen the picture on the mantle, he knew it was real. Then, Mihawk spoke again. “He’s getting old.”
Zoro turned to him. “You mean Neil?”
Mihawk nodded. “I don’t know how old he is, but he looks more and more worse for wear every time I see him. I’d wager it’ll be another year or two before I don’t see him anymore. Or perhaps this will be the last time.”
Mihawk looked out in the distance, as Zoro took in the man before him. He could never be quite sure with Mihawk, but he felt that there was a certain sadness in his mentor’s voice.
“You kind of enjoy it, don’t you?” Zoro offered. “The back and forth between you and him. He keeps things interesting when there’s no one else around.”
Mihawk shrugged and put out his cigarette. “I won’t deny that I find him entertaining, even as he annoys the hell out of me. Animals are remarkable creatures. So human-like in so many ways, and yet not at the same time. I know he’s just a dumb mammal, but….”
Zoro only nodded, understanding what Mihawk was saying. He thought back to the Kung-Fu Dugongs in Alabasta, who took so strongly to Luffy after he bested them in a fight. He thought about the South Bird in Jaya that he enjoyed bothering by trying to get it to look in directions other than South. He thought of the Humandrills here on Kuraigana, who, now that he had bested them in battle once, had become some of his favorite sparring partners. And he thought of Chopper who, despite his Human-Human Fruit, was still at the end of the day, a reindeer. Animals really were remarkable.
A loud honking sound broke Zoro from his thoughts. Neil was flopping his way up the stairs, and landed at Mihawk’s feet, looking up at him. Mihawk looked down with a raised eyebrow. “I suppose you’re leaving?” Mihawk said. Neil only honked in affirmation. Mihawk nodded. “Well. Stay safe out there. You’re just about the size of a perfect snack for a Sea King. Basically a blubbery jelly bean.” Neil let out a series of those short, braying honks that sounded like laughter. He locked eyes with Mihawk for a moment before flopping his way back down the stairs. Mihawk rose and stood beside Zoro, and together they watched as Neil got in the water and, with one last look towards the castle, swam away.
Several months passed, and it was business as usual for Mihawk, Zoro, and Perona. As Mihawk and Zoro worked in the garden, beginning the process of harvesting the year’s yield, Perona floated up to them excitedly. “Guys! Come to the beach!”
“I don’t have time for a swim,” Mihawk said curtly as he plucked some tomatoes from a vine.
“Ugh, what? No! Just…just shut up and come with me!” She turned and floated away, clearly expecting the men to drop everything and follow her. Mihawk looked to Zoro, who only shrugged and rose to his feet, dropping his gloves in the dirt. Mihawk sighed and begrudgingly did the same.
The two swordsmen followed Perona, who kept looking behind to make sure they were following, though not nearly fast enough for her. And when Mihawk crested the hill and looked out at the beach below him, his eyes widened in surprise to see Neil there, honking loudly in greeting. And not just Neil - with him were six seal pups, perhaps a few months old.
Perona squealed in delight, doing flips in the air. “Aren’t they cute?!” Mihawk could only chuckle as he approached his old nemesis.
Neil brayed happily, bouncing on his flippers and pushing the small seals with his snout towards Mihawk, who crossed his arms and chuckled. “You wanted me to meet your children, huh?” Neil honked in affirmation.
Mihawk, Zoro, and Perona sat down on the beach, allowing the seal pups to approach them. He wouldn’t say it, but they were actually quite cute. “Congratulations, Neil,” Mihawk said, his lips upturning in a slight grin. “Shall I fetch you a cigar and some whiskey to celebrate?”
That loud, honking laugh again. The one Mihawk had grown so accustomed to over his time living at the castle, the one that made Mihawk confident that even if Neil couldn’t speak the language of humans, he certainly understood every word they said.
Neil watched as the pups sniffed around the humans, eventually deeming them safe enough to accept pets, and one even crawled into Zoro’s lap for a nap, as if he’d found a kindred spirit in the green-haired swordsman. Then, satisfied, Neil let out one last bray, before turning and flopping his way back into the water. Mihawk rose quickly, going after him, not even caring that the surf was covering his boots. “Neil! Stop! I’m not a babysitter! I already have two children I don’t want, I don’t need more!”
Neil only turned and looked directly at Mihawk, and in that moment, Mihawk understood: this was Neil’s last journey to Kuraigana Island. He wasn’t coming back. Whatever may have happened to the mother, Neil was leaving his pups in the care of someone he trusted. They were still too small to make it in the wild on their own, and Neil wanted to give them the best chance at survival and a safe haven to return to, just as he had been doing for so many years.
Mihawk nodded and approached Neil, who was still looking up at him with glossy, black eyes. For the first time, Mihawk noticed a cloudiness in the seal’s eyes: cataracts. For how long had Neil had this problem and Mihawk hadn’t even noticed? Could he have taken him to a veterinarian? Could he have gotten him help if he hadn’t been so preoccupied with their cat-and-mouse game? Mihawk felt a pang in his chest as he reached out and placed a calloused hand gently on Neil’s head, petting him gently.
“I’ll take care of them,” he said, trying to hide the hoarseness appearing in his voice. “As long as they’re on this island, they will be safe.” Neil blinked and honked lowly, something Mihawk could only interpret as “thank you.” And with that, Neil flopped into the sea and swam away, leaving Mihawk standing on the shore with Zoro, Perona, and the pups.
Mihawk allowed himself a minute to mourn his odd friend, then turned and walked back to where Zoro and Perona sat with the seal pups. It was clear the two younger pirates understood what had just happened, and Perona had silent tears streaming down her cheeks.
“So what now?” she asked quietly, gently stroking the seal pup before her.
Mihawk sighed, picking up one of the pups and holding it out in front of him. It looked quite like Neil, but had a smattering of light gray spots on its fur. Its glossy black eyes looked at him with curiosity and it cocked its head to the side, taking in the man before it, before immediately peeing. The swordsman could only laugh softly. This was definitely Neil’s child.
He placed the seal gently on the ground, and it happily bounced over to its siblings. “Well,” he said, “I’m going to go change my clothes. Then, I suppose, we’re going fishing. We have six new mouths to feed after all.”
Zoro and Perona smiled, Perona wiping the tears from her face. They rose and followed Mihawk, and the six seal pups flopped along cheerily behind them, ready to explore their new home.
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