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#letters ill never send
lovergirlpoems · 1 year
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“Vienna”
@lovergirlpoems
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abbigailnichole · 1 year
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"How do you move on?" I asked the darkness.
Grief, l've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. Grief is just love with no place to go. Sometimes, the bad things that happen to us are not valuable lessons. Nothing can be extracted from them, there are no positives to some things. It is okay to feel grief for what happened to you, to mourn what you have lost, to know it was not fair. Sometimes, we can only let go of the past by grieving it, by admitting it was not okay, but now that we are dealing with the pain, sometimes you can't move on.
-but we can hope for a better future
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likearoseinagraveyard · 8 months
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I heard you got married. I want to ask if you’re happy but I want you to be as badly as I want you not to be, and I don’t like that side of me.
So I won’t ask and you won’t say.
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katiemparks · 10 months
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Letters I'll Never Send
Dear The Boy,
I don't know why but for years you have been an invisible passenger in my head. I say passenger because most of the time you show up is when I am driving around our home town (which we both still live in) alone listening to songs that somehow remind me of you even when I don't want them to.
I don't know why you're still here. I know i've thought about you a lot over the years and the thought of you and the talking through things with imaginary you has helped me learn a lot. Like... you triggered something dark in me. I though it was all your fault but the truth is that the darkness had always been there, but you made me feel so much, so deeply, that it brought it all to the surface. I know that now. I know it's not really your fault that I was crying every night, even though it was over you, I know you're not at fault for the self harm I inflicted upon myself all those years in high school.
I can see now after all these years removed that you were fighting that same darkness. I can see why you were hurtful to me sometimes. I can see now you probably thought you were saving me when you told me we could no longer be friends and to forget about you on graduation day. I can see your side but can you see mine?
Did you ever notice just how in love with you I was? Did you ever notice that you broke my heart more than once. You broke my heart so thoroughly when you said that on graduation day, right before the ceremony, in that music room, which was my safe place, in that soft voice. I didn't realize what had happened until it was over and you were gone. I had told myself I wouldn't cry over you again. I still did after that moment. I was happy. I was in a good, healthy relationship with the man I would eventually marry and love more deeply than I could have known in that moment. I had told myself that we were never meant to have that kind of relationship and that I was learning so much about life because of you even in that weird almost a thing but never a thing situationship we had. All of that is true.
I learned a lot about life, love, loss, relationships, myself, and more through those years and experiences you put me through. I don't regret them. I wouldn't take them back. Did it hurt? Like hell. Would I willingly bring that pain back into my life. Hell no. Would I do it again if I was magically transported back into my younger self with my memories still intact? Probably a bit differently, but yeah I'd live through it again. It made me who I am and I like who I am. It started me down a path that lead to the life I have now and I like the life I have now. I met my husband and true love of my life because my friend was worried about me, because of you, and got me away from you for a day and I met someone new and made a friend that has never broken my heart and has been a constant supportive love for me from that day on.
So, I wanted to say thank you for being a part of my life. Some parts of me still wish you were willing to be my friend. I want to show you I care. I want to show you that I still have a love for you that means I will always hope for the best for you. I want you to know that yes you broke me and my heart but I am ok now. I forgive you.
I think that is why you are my invisible passenger. This is a way I can show you i'm doing ok. The damage wasn't so severe that I can't move on. I'm not stuck in the past. I'm not stuck in the pain. This is a way I can safely show you my concern. This is a way I can safely show you my platonic love. This is a way we can coexist together as friends.
However, I do think it is time for you to move out. That moment we shared at our class reunion wasn't much. Just silently looking at each other for a few uninterrupted seconds. However, It helped me see that we had both moved on and this was the new normal. You've become somebody that I used to be friends with. You've slid all the way into that territory. I didn't fully accept that fact even though I was at peace with it. Now it is time.
This is a farewell to the invisible passenger. I want to move you out of my head to the state of being some guy I may write to when I feel like it.
Farewell Trevor. I am saying goodbye because it is time to move on and grow up. It is time to let the teenage moments that have long since healed move on so I can find my adult form. I've healed the inner child, I've healed my inner teenager. I want to step into the rest of my life as an adult.
Saying goodby makes me nervous. I worry that the moment I leave you alone you will fade from me forever, you tried that once already in the real world and it scared the crap out of me. Not the time you left me at graduation... the time you tried to leave the earth permanently and luckily your mother found you. I worry you will go through life thinking I hate you. I don't.
I remember a time when we were still close, maybe a bit too close. we were outside at a social gathering and talking about shooting stars. I had never seen one, you had seen loads that summer. We were laying on the ground hoping to see one. I was so happy in that moment. I felt a true connection and deep love for you. You were describing all the times you had seen these wonderful stars and I just listened. I loved the fact that most of all you would talk to me about something you loved. I loved that you listened to me. All those times in class when we should have been working but weren't because we were sitting across from each other and just wanted to talk. Those times we almost went deaf sitting in from of the drum set in the band section at football games and just creating nonsense conversations. I do not remember what we talked about other than Dr. Pepper, Oreos, our friends... but I will always remember how when you were focused on me I felt special.
You taught me so much. I know I said this before but I can not thank you enough. You taught me about love when I was so young I didn't even know what I was feeling. You taught me about pain before I had to experience the worst pain of my life. That was a benefit to me. I had some skills that kept me functioning in that time of loss because I had already practiced them with the loss of your friendship. You taught me about my inner darkness and how it lashes out sometimes and sometimes it reaches deep inside of me. I can manage it better now with the help of your memory and my fandoms.
With those lessons you helped me realize how lucky I am to have gone through so much so young. If I didn't have you, The Boy before The Husband, I probably wouldn't have trusted myself enough to be sure what I felt for him was love and if I hadn't married him I wouldn't be as happy as I am now because I wouldn't have a spouse who would have known my father and how great he was. I needed someone who would understand the level of grief I feel every day at losing such a powerful influence and source of light and love in my life. I needed him and you gave him to me and you gave me the confidence to know it was a true and good love I felt because I had loved you for so long so young. You helped me get the life and love I need. You helped me recognize it and not be afraid of it.
Something I want you to know, Lavon, is if you ever want to switch territories and become a friend again I will allow it and welcome you back with open arms and only love and understanding. I will respect your boundaries and stay out of your way, but if you find this... and you miss our friendship... just know I still love you, platonically, I still miss you. I do not hate you. I forgive you. I hope only the best for you. You deserve goodness and love and comfort. You have been through a lot, too much, and I understand that. Just know you are loved. Just know you deserve so much out of life and I hope you don't let your darkness and your cynicism of this world rob you from pure joy and love. Let those who love you love you. Let yourself love them in return. Don't be afraid to show those kinder emotions. You have a good heart. You have a kind spirit. You have a sweet smile. Let yourself be happy. Even when it is hard let yourself want love and joy and happiness. Be the best version of yourself. Be happy. Be content. Be yourself.
I will always remember our time together, the good and the bad, and everything that came from it. I will always remember you as you were in a happy light. I will remember Trevor and respect Lavon.
With love and hope,
-"Katie" M.....
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theriseofthesea · 2 years
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Hey,
It’s pretty late at night and you’re probably asleep right now. I can’t stop thinking about you. I know that sounds weird, but I can’t stop thinking about how safe I feel with you, but I just don’t know how to communicate that. I love seeing you smile, and it’s so strange to not be able to picture it (because you know, aphantasia and all) but knowing I could pick your smile out of thousands. You’re so kind. You’re so considerate. I wish you knew how much I love you. I wish I had the courage to tell you.
I wish you knew how beautiful you are. Your energy radiates out like sunshine on a cloudy day and it makes everything seem not so bad.
You care about people. When you are passionate, it makes me want to listen to you talk for hours.
You feel like home.
I wish I wasn’t so scared of admitting how much I care for you. I guess I’m afraid of you not feeling the same way. It’s strange to feel so strongly towards someone, but it also feels right.
I hope you sleep well and I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. I love you.
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inxanotherlife · 2 years
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words i wish i said.
i hope u know that me walking away wasn't an easy decision. it was weeks of waiting, hoping you would give me just a little bit of hope to cling on to. i thought after everything, it would be different - the good different. the different where waking up together felt like a cup of coffee in the morning, the snuggles on a gloomy day, the staying in bed listening to the rain hit the windows.
instead, it felt like awkward silences and long pauses. it felt like moving in the same direction as someone else when ur in each other's way.
at the end of it all, just know i did everything i could have to make this work. i walked away knowing that u just couldn't love me the way i needed to be loved, and i know asking u to love me that way was asking for u to change into someone ur not.
i hope u know u aren't a bad guy, ur a good guy but we just aren't good together, and that's okay. i hope the time we spent together, u felt loved truly - because i did my damn best to love u the best i could have.
i hope the next girl u love, ur ready for love. i hope ur ready to hold her closer when she needs u to. i hope ur ready to fall in head first and not hold back. i hope ur ready, because u weren't ready to love me like this and that's why i chose to walk away. and maybe i couldn't love u the way u needed me to love u.. and i guess we'll never find out how to love each other.
words i never wish i said. as my heart begins to shatter, i'm left to wonder just how it should have been. - august 17, 2022. 4:42pm
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me1without1you · 2 years
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Dear friend,
The silence has been unbearable. Though your absence has been brief the thought of it being indefinite is consuming me with a gnawing ache, sapping my strength while burdening me with the weight of unanswered questions. Oh why did you leave so suddenly? If you wish to never spare another thought for me please at least answer that. Even if you think it would be unbearably painful and cruel to me, I can assure you that nothing is as devastating as the not-knowing.
Our time together was brief but I think I grew to love you. You were a kindred spirit in whom I felt I could always confide; to whom I never had to explain anything but in whom I could try to explain everything, and learn about myself in doing so. Most of all you inspired in me a long-absent feeling of hope, in the small way I would get excited to tell you something new I learned, or make plans together, or just to try to anticipate what you were thinking. I always tried to keep a respectful distance so as not to startle you, but I wish I could have told you how I loved you as intimately as one can love a friend. I wish I could have told you how much it meant to me that you would often pause to ask how I was doing and how that reminded me that I was worthy of love and not meant to subjugate my own feelings to keep an uneasy peace. You are beautiful, and beautiful especially in how you responded in kindness to a world that had been so often been so unkind to you. I wept for the first time in a year when I learned how you had been abused and yet few things have inspired me as much as the person you became in spite of it. I know you often overlook your positive qualities and truthfully no mirror could ever fully reflect how incredible and important they are. I did try.
In short, I am heartbroken. Even the most sudden of ends themselves come to an end but I never anticipated an end with you. That might be somewhat selfish but maybe you would understand. It's hard for me to trust people, and I know you know that, but if I were to see you again I don't think that I would be afraid of you. Maybe I was wrong, and maybe you wore a facade that was so convincing or so comforting that I couldn't or I refused to see through it, but I don't think so. I hope not. In spite of everything, that hope remains.
You always struck me as someone who was never loved as much as you deserved, who was not supported even though you are worthy of support and we deserve to see what you could you would accomplish if you weren't made to fend for yourself. I know you've been searching for love, friends, and home; and I hope you find it. I had hoped to see it, but even a word letting me know that you were somewhere where you felt at peace with yourself and your world would allieviate all of my confusion and anxiety. This world was not just built for sorrows, Willow. You deserve to be happy.
I don't know how exactly to end this. It feels like the end has already been written for me. It's another beginning that I lack, one that I hope for but that I don't expect. I said goodbye but you didn't say it back. I won't forget that silence on the other end. I won't forget you. I miss you.
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dedskul · 2 years
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The Only Thing That Seems Fair
The sheer numbers of roles that you fulfilled in my life were almost suffocating
You were my mentor
My teacher
My therapist
My confidant
My best friend
My role model
All blended together
With an over-arching motherly attitude combing your roles like glue
How was I supposed to feel about you?
We were close
That was obvious to anyone and everyone
You're friends and collogues donned me with the nickname
Beth's sidekick
It was funny
You'd laugh and roll your eyes but I'd stand proud with my chest puffed out and a smile on my face
So happy and excited because for once I finally felt like I belonged
I was a part of something
Grouped in with YOU
I felt like I was living in a dream world were everyone was nice to me
Where people listened to what I had to say
Where my voice and my experiences were not only validated
But all the unpleasant things about me were too
Behind closed office doors and hotel rooms with do not disturb signs
Late night phone calls
Sunset evenings sitting in the trunk of my Jeep
Breakfasts at your favorite restaurants
Dinners at mine
Things were different
And ever evolving
I felt like a different person when I was alone with you
And maybe I was
My name replaced with
Sweetie
Honey
Sweetheart
Baby
I wasn't April and I wasn't acting like her
But I was defiantly putting on an act
I became whoever you wanted me to be
I did everything you told me to do
Everything you told me to say
Followed the same song and dance routine for three years before you turned your back and gave up on me just like everyone else
Leaving me alone to pick up the pieces
To lie to my friends and all the people I'd met over the years
To disappear into a void of depression, alcohol, drug abuse and self loathing.
But its been 10 years, right?
A fucking decade I've been struggling
Carrying the weight of you wherever I go
Tripping
Stumbling
Falling down
Getting back up
Gritting my teeth
White-knuckling my way though life
But no one ever sees it
Its never acknowledged because its the only way people know me now
Its my new normal
I've buried you and all of the parts of myself that drove our relationship into the ground
Good and bad
And left them to rot in the place where my heart used to be
I died ten years ago and walked into my own funeral disguised as a court hearing
I think a part of you died then too
Because that woman who sat across from me in the aisle was almost unrecognizable
You were a shell of a person
And I was a walking corpse
The prefect duo
Its no wonder why I feel like an imposter
For one I'm not actually dead
And if you were to ask anyone in my day to day life
I'm very much alive and well
Doing better then ever some might say
But that's not really the case
I'm a traumatized, pessimistic people-pleaser
I'm depressed, lonely, and fucking starving for anyone's attention or love
But that's not how it comes across
Because I get compliments
People telling me I'm easy-going
Funny
Loyal
Hard-working
Independent
I can't take any of it seriously
All it means is I've gotten better at hiding it
Over the years the weight has stayed the same and I've simply gotten stronger carrying it around this whole time
But that doesn't mean its not still there
I know its still there
Because it still all that I can do
I can't pick up anything else without my knees buckling
I can't commit to anything
A job
A house
A girlfriend
I've dated the same woman for 8 years
Lived with her for 7 years
And still can't look her in the eyes and to say yes when she asks me to marry her
I can't commit to a tattoo design to cover up the scar on my leg
Because no matter what gets inked into my skin
Your name will forever line my thigh, my memories, my dreams, and the rest of my life
I've tried to grieve
To let it all go and move on
But I can't heal in the same place where I was hurt
Its so hard to drive down the same streets
I pass by ROSMY twice a day
Every day on my way too and from work
And once every few months I'm forced to drive down the same road you and I used to frequent often
Park on the same street you and I did
And walk into the building right across the street from the one I'd spent countless hours with you in
I'll sit in my psychiatrist's office thankful her office window is behind me so I don't have to see the rainbow building where I gave my first ever speech
The same building where I met Karen the fist time
The same building where we raised money together the first time
The same building that covered us from prying eyes when you parked your Subaru around the back and kissed me in the backseat
How in the fuck am I supposed to feel now?
I feel trapped
I feel stuck
I feel like I'm going to feel like this forever
Its been ten fucking years and I still feel like the scared 18 year old kid
With no sense of direction
No future
Crushed hopes and dreams
And You
From what I understand
From the things I've leaned though mine and Karnes newly reunited friendship
Is that you've given up
You sound like a quitter
It sounds like you took the easy way out instead of the high road
You left non-profit work for a job at the federal reserve
You got married
Had a kid
Your a real mom now and not the fake pretend one you used to put on for me
I don't want to look at your life though a distorted lens and judge you
I don't want to be the bad guy
But its so hard to picture you like that
Its hard to imagine you happy and living a fulling life while I'm just now starting to realize what the fuck happened
You fucking hurt me
And not just by leaving
But by taking the knife out of my back
Soothing and healing my wounds
Only to take that same knife and stab in me in the front
And the worse part is you could even look me in the eyes while you did it
You didn't even speak at that court hearing
You didn't even spare me a passing glance as I walked out of your life forever
Then you had the audacity to blame it all on me
Painting me the villain when things didn't go smoothly immediately afterwards
Like you hadn't already done enough damage
Like you hadn't already heard the life drain out of me on that fucking phone call
My girlfriend called you a predator
Anytime I bring you up in conversation I get shut down
She cries
She says its so hard to sit and watch me miss you when everything I've described about our relationship to her sounds like abuse
She says you groomed me
I've done nothing but defend you
Denying it left and right
There was no way YOU did something like that
YOU?
You were my hero
The woman who saved my life twice
Killed me once
Who's kind words, lessons, and life advice brought me back and shaped the person I am today
I'd never believe something like that
But today I'm mad
Today I'm angry because I can't get though a single day without starring at your picture on my phone
I can't sleep at night because you haunt my dreams like a ghost
I can't get into bed with my girlfriend unless the room is pitch black
Because I can't bare to see her body wrapped around your name
And that's more ironic than you'll ever know
Because for me to be in any type of mood to meet her needs I have to have very specific conditions
Conditions that to others may seem a little odd but mostly normal
But for me are symbols and an attempted revision of the past
She doesn't know
And if I do end up marrying her it's something I'll probably take to my grave
But if you saw
You'd know exactly what I've been doing
It brings me shame
Its embarrassing to not be able to be intimae with someone I love unless I put her in a costume and close my eyes
I can't do this anymore
I can't keep playing this game and pretend I'm fine
I'm so fucking mad
And so fucking jealous
So jealous I can't tell if its jealously for your new life
Or for the child you are raising and knowing that they are living the childhood of my dreams and most likely will go on to lead a brighter, happier, bigger life than I could ever hope too
I hope you are actually happy and not secretly miserable like me
But I do hope that every once in a while I haunt you too
I hope you know that you hurt me
And I hope that guilt will eat at you until the day you die
I hope you struggle still too
I hope I find my closure and you never get yours
It's the only thing that seems fair
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cowardly-spaghetti · 2 years
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I still don’t know if you ever wanted our friendship to be something more the way I did.
So if by some chance you stumble upon this which is highly unlikely because you’ve never had a tumblr. Just know that I meant it when we said forever and always. Love, pumpkin. 🌞🌘💛🌻
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soul-xhoney · 1 year
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01:19
Every time I peer through these doors, I remind myself of the mistake I made…
Letting him enter our sacred place. I so badly wanted him to be a part of my world—
To understand. To understand me. To understand why I am the way I am.
Why I like the things I like. My hopes, my interests
How I cope. How I release.
And it’s my fault really, for thinking he could be a part of this world. My world. Our world.
It is for this reason, I could not find the courage to come back—
To reopen the door and fully immerse myself in it like I did once before.
So for now, the door remains slightly ajar, until I can find my way back
Wait for me,
Remember me…
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desastrerisco · 2 years
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(...) “So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight (I know he's there and) You're probably hanging out and making eyes (While across the room he stares) I'll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor And ask my girl to dance, she'll say yes Because these words were never easier for me to say Or her to second guess But I guess That I can live without you but Without you I'll be miserable And I can live without you but Without you I'll be miserable And I can live without you Oh, without you I'll be miserable at best” -Mayday Parade
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kai-1117 · 2 years
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Dear mom,
I’m sorry if I ruined your life, if I wasn’t what you wanted when you found out you were pregnant. I’m sorry that I’m a burden to you, I’m sure your life will be easier with me gone.
Love,
Your least favorite daughter
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abbigailnichole · 1 year
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I started writing poetry to numb the pain and stopped when it came back.
Trauma has a crazy way of numbing you to things. I'm still living in the aftermath yearning for the life we could have had together. How do I love myself, even after all the ways I failed you? The ways I failed myself..
Sometimes I don't think I know how to live without chaos.
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I knew I loved you from the moment I saw you and I know you felt it too… I’m sorry for all the reasons that this is my fault. My biggest regret in life is not telling you before you stopped loving me. I know that I’ll never escape from the tomb I’ve buried myself in, wrapped in the memory that once upon a time you loved me and rotting with the hope that one day you’ll come back to me.
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writerslover · 6 months
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something i wrote a while ago, TW- MENTIONS OF ABUSE AND TEENAGED MINDS
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<3 enjoy
abuse, reuse, and recycle.
as a female teenager i’ve realized and went through what it’s like to be abused, reused, and recycled.
as a female teenager i’ve been abused.
abused mentally, emotionally, physically, and definitely verbally.
i’ve grown used to it so you’ll never verbally hear me say i’ve been abused.
but when it comes down to it,
abuse is abuse.
right?
as a female teenager i’ve been used and reused.
used for my body, used for my mind, used for my heart.
but never have i ever been used to cure boredom.
usually i’ll be the reason for boredom.
but with him, i guess i was different.
right?
but then ill be reused by a person who i told i was used to.
i’ll tell them my fear of it and where it came from,
but they’ll just repeat history.
i’m not longer up for reuse once i saw the pattern.
as a female teenager i’ve been recycled.
tossed in a bin only few genuinely care about,
and the same bin nobody will take out or check for weeks at a time.
soon i’ll go to the land of waste to evaluate why i wasn’t good enough,
or maybe why i’ll never be good enough again,
or maybe why i need to change myself.
i’ve been abused, reused, and recycled.
but at the end of the day i know i’ll have myself to know that i’m what people are to scared to talk about.
that i’m mentally untouchable now.
that i’ll never be abused, reused, or recycled again.
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tassybts · 7 months
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I think a part of me will always miss you . Even though it's been awhile since we stopped speaking. There are days where my heart aches for you. Not the you that you were at the end of our friendship . The you at the beginning of it. The one that told me funny stories to make me laugh.. even if it embarrassed you. The way you supported me and never judged me bc I failed my exam. All you wanted for me was to was graduate. Your exact words were," I'll be the happiest when you graduate. Please don't give up your dream. "
I'm sorry that both of our tempers got in the way of a beautiful friendship. I know I shouldn't mourn the what ifs and what could have been.
The what could have been of us exploring morocco the land of our ancestors, cooking together, and screaming at the national team when they play football .
I know we were never meant to be because you would have been here . Now and you're not.
I still cry and make dua for you. Wherever you are, I hope that you are always happy, healthy, and successful ameen. May Allah swt keep you on the straight path and have mercy on your soul ameen.
You will always have a part of my heart.
Your 🥔.
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