The sun rises, and it shines brightly
Yesterday during a study session, I got to explain asexuality to my friends and all of them understood and accepted me as I am. I got hugged and told that they support me no matter what (My allosexual friends even joked about how they’re the exact opposite of me lol). I even mentioned how I’m still confused about my romantic orientation and they told me that I don’t have to pressure myself, that I still have time to know myself better. It was a relief for me.
Last night, I also got to finally talk to this guy I’ve been having mutual pining with (He’s straight af) and clarified what we really are because our other friends kept on asking about it. I had to ask my other group of friends from my previous school for a call to help me not panic in the situation. It was a pain to talk about relationships and stuff because I am personally not into romantic relationships but I really really like him. His presence makes me feel less shitty. I enjoy moments with him. I explained to him about my sexuality, my exact thoughts on relationships and he told me that it was okay, that he understands me. I was hesitant at first, I wasn’t sure what was really happening and I was really scared. I’ve had romantic relationships before and they weren’t good experiences. So I kept asking if he was sure, if he was serious, to which he replied that he will adjust and that he is really okay with it. He said that I shouldn’t worry because he will do his best in whatever we have. We didn’t say anything about it, about a relationship. We just guaranteed what we really feel. For me, that was enough. I really didn’t want to establish a relationship, I just know to myself that I really like him and he feels the same way. We even agreed not to answer our friends’ questions because I’m uncomfortable with it.
I am still scared but I also want to risk it and see the whole thing develop. It’s a big risk but I want to let myself let go for a while and have personal growth, with discovering who I really am (I often have identity crisis and it causes me breakdowns) and understand myself more, knowing what I really want. I discovered that I’m asexual just last year and I still remain unsure with my romantic orientation (I’m sure that I’m bi, but romantic relationships are just…idk). There is still a lot of time to grow. I sometimes feel invalid but with the support I have from my friends, I believe that I’ll be okay. I’m not out to my family. My mom has made homophobic, transphobic comments and my dad is extremely homophobic. My siblings are okay, I might come out to them soon because I know they’re the ones who will understand. They also hate how our parents are like this.
Right now, I’m just relieved. It’s been going well. I’ll be okay. I’m writing this post to let everyone who feels the same way I do extremely VALID! There’s so much time for growth and you will get to know and understand yourself better! It sucks that feeling really complicated with oneself makes us feel shitty but I just want to let you know that you are going to be okay, and that you are still valid! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜♥️💞💕❣️💗