#literally had an existential crisis about how this is my lowest point

[wandersails]

When you accidentally call ur brother ‘pal’ in casual conversation and realise your out of nowhere post endgame stucky fanfic reading spiral has gone too far and you need to stop because its 2019 and sambucky is legal now

#this is an incredibly niche post lmao #literally had an existential crisis about how this is my lowest point #marvel #mypost

[cookiefonster666]

Thoughts on the Homestuck Epilogues (Tumblr Edition)

I predicted the future!

Might as well adapt this Blogspot post I made about a week ago into Tumblr form, why not. With a few minor changes. I don’t like using Tumblr but I figure it’s a good additional platform to share my surprisingly positive views on the Homestuck Epilogues.

The epilogues have a lot of controversial content, most of which I avoid talking about here.

BRIEF SUMMARY

4/20, read through Meat: epilogues pretty good

4/20, started Candy: what the fuck

4/21, stopped: aaaaaaaaughhhhh bluh i hate everything

4/24-ish, continued Candy: epilogues alright i guess also i am sad now

4/27-ish, finished: I LOVE HOMESTUCK

BRIEF-ISH SUMMARY

Meat was a wild ride that started as cool plot stuff and things that make you go "OH FUCK", continued as basically chapters 7-9 of Detective Pony (which I naturally enjoyed a lot), and ended as a mess of sheer chaos and destruction. My thought process ended as, "oh duh, this is the bad ending, candy must be the good ending". I was in for quite the nasty surprise.

I quit reading Candy just a few pages in. It didn't take long for it to suddenly become the weirdest fanfiction ever. Frustrated, I started skipping and searching through later parts and got rather salty when it turned out both sides were the "bad ending". I saw firsthand what vfromhomestuck meant by "clear your whole week": this is not something most people can just read in one sitting. Then I recovered a few days and read Candy in earnest, in a somewhat anachronous order and with many parts read multiple times. Slowly, I started to hope that the epilogues would be followed up with a true happy ending for real this time. I may or may not have written a snippet of some form of fanfiction paving the way for a happy ending.

Once I finally accomplished the equivalent of reading Candy as intended, I got hit HARD with feels. I accepted that the epilogues have many issues but as a whole (not just the sum of parts) are an absolute masterwork, sometimes because of those issues. It didn't take me long to realize the brilliant duality either. Meat is a side-splitting metafictional farce that (for me at least) is impossible to treat as anything resembling a story of people doing things. Candy is a tale of FEELS, and I don't use the word FEELS lightly. FEELS means I almost cried, like I did when I watched the Futurama episode Luck of the Fryrish.

DETECTIVE PONY AND METAFICTION

Before I move on and talk about the CHARACTERS, I'm going to discuss the meat epilogue's resemblance to sonnetstuck's Detective Pony. I love everything about Detective Pony, more than almost anything else in existence. My abnormal love for that godlike fanwork probably skewed my perception of Meat a bit. Starting from page 17, Dirk takes over the narration then fights over it with god tier Calliope; both do rather questionable deeds and Dirk was hit hard by fans as a result. Seeing other fans react towards that character with such hostility gave me a very distinct feeling of "what, am I missing something?" Dirk's takeover felt like a lengthy work of comedy to me; a story that never strips away from the fact that it's fiction, in a vein near identical to that of Detective Pony. I like to think I am in the right for perceiving that arc this way, because I think everyone who has read Homestuck should read Detective Pony. One of the epilogue authors read Detective Pony after writing the epilogues and was struck by it; I take this accidental mirroring of (post-)canon as proof that sonnetstuck understands Hussie's ways through and through. I like to think I have a solid understanding of Hussie's ways by now, but this guy is on a whole new level.

That said, the meat epilogue gets a bit carried away with metafiction to the point of making me think, "god when will things go back to normal". Towards the end of Detective Pony, Dirk goes through an existential crisis followed by a powerful revelation, and then resolves to do whatever it takes to erase his abominable creation. But the meat epilogue ends with (both figurative and literal) crashing and burning; no ultimate redemption for our poor Strider. Homestuck doesn't usually have much of a problem with getting carried away with stupid nonsense; maybe a few rare occasions in cases like Hussie's self-insert scenes. But getting carried away is a major criticism I have with cool and new web comic. I love that comic to death, but the parts that take a long time to dwell on the cool and new characters being creepy or weird are a chore to go through. o (the author of CaNWC) seems to have improved in that regard; the cool and new trolls' arc is much more to-the-point with such nonsense.

Meat getting carried away with metafiction is a major cause of my initial burnout shortly after starting Candy. I was sick of this mass dump of metafiction and expected Candy to be a refreshing change of pace. Haha, if only. My fault for reading Meat first. At night I sometimes ponder in envy of the parallel universe me that started with Candy. Actually I don't do that, I just thought it was a funny thing to say. Though I have on more than a few occasions sat in bed fantasizing about how awesome my life probably is in some parallel universe. What point was I making again? Oh whatever, it doesn't matter. I guess I should write a similar overview of Candy's narrative nature. Here goes:

LUCK OF THE FRYRISH AND SADSTUCK

Sad things are sad.

^ There, that's my candy overview. How hard was that?

With the two summaries out of the way, I figure the best way to dump out my residual thoughts on the epilogues is going character by character. I won't do every character, mostly just the ones who played large roles and were already characters in Homestuck proper. I'm sorting these characters in tiers of how well I think the epilogues handle them, mostly from worst to best.

N-TIER

N is not the lowest tier; it's the tier that cannot be ranked. N stands for two things here: "Not Applicable" and "Narrators". Naturally enough, two characters fit into that tier.

Dirk Strider: I've already talked about this guy quite a bit. I have a fondness for Dirk's character and I think his dialogue and narration in meat do a good job portraying some ascended, ultimate version of his character without straying from his voice, the tone that makes him Dirk. That said, I'm a bit peeved that "normal Dirk", the one iteration of Dirk Strider that isn't total bonkers and just wants his friends to be happy, doesn't exist in this story. In Candy, Rose suddenly loses the memories of her alternate selves, but for some reason Dirk keeps those memories and soon after commits suicide; he's left out of the picture until Candy's postscript, which I guess is a reasonable balance considering his indulgence throughout Meat. But why is only one of the succulently verbose Strilondes let off the hook? Some readers imagine Dave as the comic's protagonist and Dirk as the antagonist; I've toyed with that idea myself and can see it symbolized, but it just feels so wrong to me. Maybe the authors did too good a job writing Dirk for me to be complacent with such a shift in role. His conversations with Rose were just as delightful as I had hoped and they aren't weighed down too much in light of his shift in role, at least not for me.

Alt Calliope: The narrative rival to Dirk, as I mentioned previously. I'm not totally sure what to say about her, other than that one could see her as a counterpart to let's say Anna Harley; a necessary piece in the Detective Pony analogy. Alt Calliope's narrative arguments with Dirk were hilarious and that's all there is to say on the matter.

G-TIER

I'm lucky Gamzee's name starts with a G, because this means I can give him a tier of his own worse than F. As an individual arc that is; he'd get a much higher rating when taken as part of a whole.

Gamzee Makara: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I despised reading every word that came out of this guy's mouth as soon as his """redemption arc""" started. But I can clearly tell that was the point and that the suffering that is reading his words has a much greater purpose. Before you deem me a masochist or the kind that insists everything is "bad on purpose", know that I am neither of those things but really do mean what I say here. Gamzee's role in Candy draws tension between individuality and the whole. Reading this guy's hogwash is suffering in and of itself, but ultimately it serves a role of showing us how fucked up the world of Candy is and helps the reader experience John's existential crisis with him.

F-TIER

As before, these tiers are strictly about character arcs in isolation and not the big picture. This tier is home to none other than the legendary...

Jane Crocker: Boy did I predict the future on that one. A bit like Dirk, I would've liked it more if in only one epilogue did sweet innocent little Jane become such a monster. No way in hell am I going to run through the asshole things she does; it's a load of sensitive topics I'm not comfortable discussing in any capacity. Instead, I'll say that if I had to choose only one epilogue where Jane ran through her crazy presidential campaign it would be Candy; as with Gamzee's arc, this campaign serves well as a part of John's existential crisis. What's weird here is that in Candy she originally cancelled all this, but later ended up basically doing it anyway with Dirk gone. I can imagine Jane going back to normal in Meat, maybe? Or in the hypothetical "true ending" I discussed prior.

D-TIER

Better known as "meh" tier. Mostly the characters that don't do much and I wished did more.

Meenah Peixes: Needed more screen time, god damn it. She survives the Furthest Ring apocalypse, nabs the Ring of Life, then makes her way to Candy Earth and joins Karkat in the rebellion. Maybe it makes sense that her and Karkat teaming up in war is relegated to the background, to show how far the shouty guy has come in comparison to everyone else. I'll come back to this point when I talked about Karkat.

Roxy Lalonde: Doesn't do too much in either side, but does go through some touchy topics I'm not sure what to think about; I'm most certainly not ready to talk about those topics now. And regardless, Roxy's role in the epilogues is better discussed when I talk about John and Terezi a few tiers up.

Calliope: Doesn't do all that much either, full circle to being the exposition alien with mysterious morality. I'm actually pretty OK with that. Certainly beats out the slog of endless "ur pretty" conversations. Calliope pretty much fades into the background on both sides, which is sad but fitting.

(About pronouns: I'll keep referring to Roxy and Calliope as "she" unless I find reason to talk about the little those two do in Meat. I just avoided using pronouns in those paragraphs above.)

C-TIER

Better known as "meh" tier, but with a more positive "meh" than before. It's the "meh" that indicates lukewarm satisfaction rather than annoyance at mediocrity.

Jade Harley: Really should be on a lower tier, because she did dick squat other than being horny and painfully oblivious to all the nonsense going on. But I'm a sucker for Jade being "Jade" and was happy to see even a trace of that early in Meat. As before, I'll avoid the controversial topics surrounding Jade in the epilogues, aside from pointing out that this post reads very different now.

Karkat Vantas: This guy's a bit of an odd spot. His leadership role is addressed in the absolute last way I expected. Could've gotten more attention from the story I suppose, but damn if his character arc didn't get the most triumphant return imaginable.

Kanaya Maryam: I touched upon Rose and Kanaya's relationship when I discussed the "buddy system" in my first epilogues post and I still stand by what I said there. Her strong attachment to Rose is integrated well into Meat without seeming like fluff or defining her entire character, because she actually does other things there too. In Candy they remain a stable happy relationship and I guess I'm cool with that.

Aradia Megido: Role is the same as ever and I'm fine with that. Death fangirl who works for predestination and has ambiguous morality. Her arc with alt Calliope ends with a cliffhanger that is easily the biggest reason to hope for a follow-up to the epilogues; if such a follow-up were to happen, I really look forward to hearing more from Aradia.

Sollux Captor: Sollux is by nature the other guy, that's an immutable fact of life. He doesn't do much other than snarking at whoever's nearby and I can't imagine it any other way.

Jake English: If not for a scene near the end of Candy, I'd put Jake at D-tier. Through all of Meat and most of Candy, Jake's role is one of the oddest spots of all and it's pretty hard to pinpoint what the authors were going for, lest I dabble in controversial topics some more. But Jake's scene with John near the end of Candy is uniquely touching and makes the most out of his role as a second John. He moves in with John, bringing his son Tavros with him, and encourages John to reconcile with his former wife and make amends of sorts, ultimately giving a small portion of the cast a pseudo-happy ending. That whole part of Candy made me tear up.

Talking about the really GOOD parts is a perfect point for me to move on to...

B-TIER

Stuff that didn't make it into A-Tier, which I've reserved for what struck me HARD.

Dave Strider: In both epilogues, Dave's behavior generally seems based on how he acted in Act 6 Act 6 Intermission 5, which is actually a LOT better than it sounds and hell if I know why that is. Dave's rants about politics and sexuality now have a charm I can't quite describe. His absurd fixation specifically on the economy matches shockingly well with the nature of Homestuck. The three-way romance between him, Karkat, and Jade goes in very different directions on either side, which I'll discuss a bit later. The epilogues even made Dave x Karkat an actually decent ship, how crazy is that??? The writers deserve a big badge of honor for doing that. Not sure what to say about specific things, but Dave was really well-written in an unexpected way.

Rose Lalonde: Again not sure what to say about anything in specific. Just really enjoyed reading Rose on both sides of the story. Shoutout to the heartwarming moment with John near the end.

A-TIER

Oh boy. Oh boy. Time for the big guns.

Vriska Serket: My mind hurts to process just how good Vriska's appearance in Candy was, after leaving the Furthest Ring and landing on Earth. First she talks with John rather aggravated, then she brutally murders Gamzee, then she sits down and has an honest talk with her ectobiological clone raised by Rose and Kanaya, and in the end gets in touch with Terezi which leads to a cliffhanger. The story somehow created the PERFECT balance of sincere reflections and typical Vriska flavor, which was deeply lacking in A6A6I5 with its horrific polar opposite versions of Vriska. Two Vriskas converse once again late in Candy and this time it's incredibly endearing and almost feels like an apology for the controversial Vriska/Vriska encounter back then. I accept the apology with open arms. Why is everything always so wonderful?

John Egbert: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3. WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS SO WONDERFUL? John gets a deep meaningful existential crisis arc in both epilogues; both cases I easily latched onto and found a bit of myself in. I absolutely loved seeing him and Terezi interact as a duo of people with some perception of canonicity; I'll get back to that point soon enough. John's marriage to Roxy not working out is a testament to both his issues with canon and Roxy's issues dealing with harsh situations. Roxy latches onto John and their son as a huge carefree pushover and he doesn't like that at all. And that's actually cool with me because John x Terezi is better in every way, as the epilogues made me realize. If that wasn't enough, the end of Candy spoils our little hearts by having John reconcile with Roxy anyway and give hope for a better future. Though a part of me does want to see a true happy ending where John and Roxy date with their delightful dynamic from their first interactions, I'm beyond pleased with the epilogues' handling of John either way. Swaying deep into some rather sad territory while remaining 100% faithful to his character that I've always loved so much.

Terezi Pyrope: FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES. Every scene with Terezi in the epilogues was so goddamn awesome. Her interactions with John were such a blast to read, with exactly the mix of humor and touching aspects that make both of the big John/girl ships what they are. How did the authors pull it off, making deeply emotional scenes without ever sacrificing that goofy Terezi flavor???

S-TIER

S in rating systems these days is way misused in my eyes. Normally A is meant to be the highest rating and S is used for the very rare absolutely exceptional case A doesn't do justice. But now you see shit like SS, SSS, SSSS everywhere like one S isn't the ultimate badge of honor? S is a rating I'd gladly give Detective Pony and may or may not give cool and new web comic. Same goes for my very favorite Futurama episodes. I'd give a few of Neil Cicierega's works that rating if I'm feeling up to it. In this post, I've reserved the S rating for:

Barack Obama: THE BEST PART OF THE EPILOGUES, HANDS DOWN. His conversation with Dave near the end of Candy is perfect in every way, it really transcends words. Humor, emotional touching, plot revelations, and straight up "Homestuck feel" are blended into the most delicious melting pot imaginable. When Dave confesses that he might be gay and explains troubles in his three-way romance, Obama responds with a truly inspiring speech about identity that raises an excellent point about the differences between the epilogues involving aspects of people that may seem immutable to some. I think Obama's speech leaves a powerful message I never expected Homestuck of all things to convey so well. I hope readers take that speech's message into account, though I know many will probably be a bit naive about it.

If you refuse to read the epilogues at all costs, then I implore you to read Dave and Obama's conversation anyway. You won't be disappointed.

CONCLUSION

epilogues good

that’s all there is to say on the matter

though if you don’t like them that’s also fine

#homestuck #homestuck epilogues #epilogues #epilogues spoilers #homestuck epilogues spoilers #i predicted the future #i love john egbert #i love terezi pyrope #i maybe love vriska serket??? #obama obama obama #johnrezi #yes good

[roundthatcorner]

"Something that didn't happen but did. But only for a minute" Can you elaborate on what you think this means?

(Okay,hopefully you are still here, anon (carpal tunnel = me reluctant totype much of anything, sadly, bc I need to save my loser hand for myjob…Gird your loins or w/e, this is long…and meandering…)

Ithink I stuck that in the tags of a post, but I was just paraphrasingPaul’s lyrics in ‘The Pound Is Sinking’, where he sings ‘hear me,lover/I can’t be held responsible now/for something that didn’thappen/I knew you for a minute/oh, it didn’t happen/no, only for aminute/your heart just wasn’t in it anymore’ (probably you knowthis, but just for background…).

So,just let me like riff on my interpretation a little, and don’t be toooffended if I get off track, it’s all related in my head:

Incomparison to the kind of nether-world of John and Paul’srelationship with each other, we can maybe look at theirrelationships with their (eventual) wives to see what wouldconstitute, at least in Paul’s mind, something that actually'happened’. No matter what we think DID happen between John and Paul,it was clearly never a 100% fully fledged relationship, right? Theynever got married, they never bought a house together, they nevermade each other breakfast every morning, they never adopted kids,etc. They never actually ran away together – at least not withoutcoming back. Paul wrote those lyrics after 10 years of marriage withLinda and 4 kids, and in comparison to that level of day in, day outcommitment, whatever John and Paul had is something that onlysemi-happened, or only happened for a minute (or happened in 'anotherlifetime’ or 'was I just dreaming or was it only yesterday?’).

Awhole range of possibilities exists for what their relationshipactually was (I have another ask that I am trying to formulate aresponse to that will be more along those lines), and so these lyricscan be interpreted a lot of different ways…but essentially…nomatter how far they went with each other, romantically or sexually, Idon’t think either of them ever got quite what they wanted out ofeach other, you know? Neither of them was ever fully satisfied by it– there was always SOMETHING in their relationship that was out ofreach – unattainable – whether because of their ownpersonalities, conflicting demands and desires, fame on a level noone could possibly understand (I mean…really…the ENORMOUSpsychological pressure on them is simply unfathomable and somethingwe should always try to have deep, deep empathy for), exteriorpressures, homophobia, the hard slog of being in a band together,jealousy, competition (!!), differing drug habits, etc.  

Like,I think we can get a pretty clear idea of WHAT John wanted out of arelationship by comparing his relationships with Paul and Yoko. Whydid John swap Paul for Yoko? Presumably because he was gettingsomething from Yoko, at least in the first couple of years of theirrelationship, that he COULD NOT get from Paul, or wouldn’t ask forfrom Paul, or couldn’t expect from Paul. Paul was never going to beat his beck-and-call 24/7; Paul was never going to go on about himbeing a genius without also expecting him to actually producegenius-level work; Paul was never going to BLOW UP everything theyhad built, their whole world, for John, on an impulse; he was nevergoing to tear the Beatles apart for John; he was never going todevolve into junkie-ism for John; he was never going to stop writinggreat songs because it made John jealous when he did; he was nevergoing to stop being the prince of swinging London because it madeJohn feel stultified in comparison; he was never going to…put hiscock on the front of an album, or mail back his MBE, or put on artshows that are designed solely to rile/exasperate/pull-one-over-onpeople (Paul’s art, in contrast, is almost always 'invitational’). IfJohn was into his 'great debunker’ mode in '68, Paul could not be hispartner in that – but Yoko could, since she never put in thefucking hard work of building their Empire (though she has happilyreaped, for decades, the benefits of what she helped destroy).

(Also– Paul could never stop being a man in order to bolster John’smasculinity, or to quiet his gay panic, or lessen his probablepost-Brian-dying existential crisis about what-the-fuck theirrelationship, or any gay relationship, could ever be. A best friendwho you can fuck but is also a woman (so it’s alright)? That’simpossible for Paul, he can only go two-for-three there.

Also,not unimportantly – for all John described Yoko as a genius, blahblah blah, she was NEVER EVER going to write a number one hit. Youknow? She was NEVER actually competition for him – he never wasgoing to look at her and be like, “Gosh, I like your songs on thisalbum better than mine…”, LOL. Yoko and his post-Beatles work wasa way of REMOVING himself from the game – how better to escape fromthe pressure of coming up with another Ticket to Ride than byproducing Life with the Lions, or whatever-the-fuck? He TALKED a shitload about his genius after the Beatles were over – but by thatpoint his genius (which was being the leader of a ROCK 'N’ ROLL BAND,btw, in case anyone (Yoko) ever forgets) was atrophying. The world will never love Yoko the way it loves John or Paul, which allows John to win that competition BY DEFAULT -- with no effort! -- while also getting to play a bit of a martyr vis-a-vis her and her treatment by the press/society/fans.

Also, Iwould compare what Paul was able to get from Linda to what he gotfrom John (it’s a valid comparison, obviously – Linda and John werevery different Libras), but doing so doesn’t quite make sense here,since Paul never actually made a choice between John and Linda. WhatPaul chose Linda over was dying – literally fucking dying – of abroken heart.)

So,having hashed out some dynamics or dysfunctions that were presumablypresent no matter what 'level’ their relationship went to, and whichpresumably drove them apart, you’re probably saying…what the fuck,dude? Because all of this is sort of putting the cart before thehorse, right? Since John’s impulse to do all of theseBeatle/Paul-ruining things, which necessitated 'Yoko boat’ ratherthan 'Paul boat’, had to come from somewhere…

Myactual shortened timeline-sort-of view of their relationship and myCONJECTURE on how it may have happened: sometime between 1964 ('If IFell’) and May 1968 they moved into a semi-stable phase of theirrelationship which is semi-explicitly romantic (the sexualinterplay/experimentation presumably far pre-dates this period, maybedating back to their first months together ('Baby Elvis’ – John wasphysically/sexually knocked-the-fuck-out by Paul from the start)), inaddition to being ten dozen other things. One or both of them mayharbor the notion at this point that some day – when the demands ofBeatlemania are done, when things are more settled, when they haveaged out of fucking around so much, when they buy an island, when thepress hounds them less, when homosexuality is more destigmatized inaddition to being decriminalized (1967 in Britain, which may playinto this) – they will be in a yet more stable, more exclusive &more serious relationship.

Atsome point it becomes clear to one or both of them that this is notgoing to happen: Brian dies which fucks everything up (nothingharshes a buzz like death, especially the death of one’s gay mentor, which may then precipitate a decisively un-gay turnaround), Paul gets engagedto Jane in a last ditch effort to save their relationship, and Pauland John as-a-couple fizzle out. Possibly it’s even amicable atfirst, like they’ve agreed to put it on hold because they acknowledgethat they can’t give each other what they want – which wouldexplain why Paul is so docile and accepting of the Yoko thing atfirst. Not only does he not think it will last (another of John’swhims – Chip Madinger puts the Two Virgins recording on the VERYSAME DAY that John announces that he is Jesus fucking Christ! (*)) andmaybe it’s actually in-line with what they’ve agreed to, but Paulalso doesn’t yet understand that John will at some point becomewilling to destroy the whole dang thing, all-or-nothing, 'if we can’tbe lovers we’ll never be friends’, etc.

Withouttheir being lovers, all the little resentments John has towards Paul– over leadership, talent, looks, personality, music, etc, that heis able to overlook when they’re fucking – boil over. If John’sperception becomes that Paul has managed to wrest the band away fromhim by sexually manipulating him (**), then that’s one more reason forhim to now try to assert his dominance – by foisting Yoko on all ofthem, which only drives home further how not-the-leader he is (in hisown mind), since if he WERE the leader, they would accept her(especially because he thinks she’s cool, and they generally thinkeverything he thinks is cool is cool!). Having Yoko nearby all thetime also conveniently keeps Paul-and-his-sexual-wiles away from Johnand gives him a continuous alternate sexual outlet. For John to’re-take’ the leadership position (which has always actually been aco-leadership, of course, since the moment John and Paul were theones wearing matching blazers while everyone else had plain shirts)would require that he start writing better songs than Paul – onlynow he’s too heroin-addled to effectively do so and he’s got writer’sblock something major, so instead he withdraws further into Yoko andheroin and non-communication. At the point where Paul is begging himon bended knee – writing Oh Darling for him and then repeatedlyTELLING him it’s for him – Paul is at his lowest point yet and he is STILL writing more songs than John andpretty soon he’s refusing to go along with Klein, too, which onlyfurthers the resentment. And especially if Paul’s love andprotectiveness towards the band partially caused him to put thebrakes on the relationship with John, what better way for John toessentially fuck with Paul and get all his latent heartbreak anddisappointment out than to leave Paul with nothing by destroying theband, too?

(*) John really seems to have experienced a BREAK with reality at this point, and it’s bizarre how rarely this is explicated in discussions of him finally getting together with Yoko. After years of compulsively drinking/drugging they go to India where, at least at the start of things, John is STONE COLD SOBER and meditating for hours on end – anyone’s psyche would be shaken up by this! And then Paul LEAVES – which, even if it wasn’t precipitated by any argument or whatever (I’m agnostic on this), had to be massively destabilizing for John because suddenly he has HOURS to ruminate on Paul and their relationship and what he is and isn’t getting from it, and he no longer has Paul actually physically there to ground him, both in reality generally and in his Paul-ness and how essentially lovable and fascinating and alluring John finds him and will always find him. 

(**)Paul may well have been the first guy that John was physically turnedon by – bisexuals supposedly realize their same-sex attractionslater than their opposite-sex ones and comparatively later than gaypeople do – but moreover Paul seems to have SET and embodied thepattern of John’s male attractions for the rest of his life. Not fornothing was John’s intended panty-dropper line to Tony Manarosupposedly 'you’re prettier than Paul’. Practically every rumor I’veever seen of John’s sexual encounters with males in his later yearsemphasizes that he liked PRETTY BOYS (and who’s the toppermost of thepretty boy heap?). So if John was conflicted about his attraction tomen, it makes sense that he might manage to blame that on Paul, too.

Hopefully this makes a slight bit of sense…at any point in there at all, lol. Feel free to ask me again if I didn’t quite hit the mark or if you want clarification. :)

[actualbird]

(wc: 2.8k. michael is the Sawi Best Friend . pining + pining + pining = pining. part 1. part 2. part 3. or read everything here on ao3)

The English Project Christine Crisis begins with Jeremy wordlessly sitting next to Michael during lunch, back stiff, face pale, looking a little bit like a gargoyle that just saw another, uglier gargoyle, before grabbing his bag and raptor screeching right into it.

“I have no idea what you’re doing or why you’re doing it, but honestly? Hard same,” Michael says, patting Jeremy’s back as his screeching slowly dies down into pained warbling. “Let it all out, buddy.”

“Mmmmmmrrr,” Jeremy says into his bag. He turns his head to face Michael, face creased from the bag, “Dude, do you ever feel like sometimes the universe is trying to be nice to you but it’s spent so long being a dick to you that everything is still kinda awful?”

“Uh,” Michael says. “I’m going to need a little bit more context.”

“Like, are you ever given a really, really good thing, but it’s the worst thing ever at the same time?”

“Okay, I catch your drift now,” Michael’s got the worst crush on his incredible best friend, so yeah, he gets it. Michael pats Jeremy’s head. “Wanna tell me what’s up?”

“Christine,” Jeremy sighs dreamily.

“Was she, like, extra cute in the hallway today or something?”

“She’s always cute in the hallway,” Jeremy says. “But uh, in English today, there’s this paper we’ve gotta write.”

“Uh huh.”

“And it’s by pair.”

“Alright.”

“And Christine was assigned as my partner,” he says, voice getting more urgent with each word.

“Well, that’s great news, isn’t it?” Michael grins, but Jeremy just looks like somebody just killed a bunny in front of him.

“It isn’t! I’m going to have to talk to her and spend time with her and stuff and it’ll be great but I’ll mess everything up because I always do,” He groans, burying his face back into his bag. Michael has to lean in to hear the rest of his muffled words. “How are people even supposed to function around people they like?”

Michael, expert at functioning around a person he likes, decides to be sympathetic. “Okay, first off? You don’t always mess everything up. That’s my best friend you’re talking about, so don’t be too hard on him,” he ruffles Jeremy’s hair. “It’ll be fine, okay? Just act like you normally do.”

“Anxious, tense, and weird?”

“Funny, sincere, and interesting,” Michael says, fingers threading through Jeremy’s hair. “A little awkward sometimes, but hey, who isn’t?”

“You’re my best friend, you’re practically contractually obligated to think all that,” he grumbles, but then he looks at Michael. “Thanks, though. Also, if you keep touching my hair like that, I’m gonna fall asleep.”

“Whoops,” Michael jerks his traitorous hand away. “So, uh, what’s project about?”

“The Tempest,” Jeremy answers, smiling a little bit. “Christine and I talked about it a little before class ended, and she was so excited, god it was so cute. It’s dumb, but I wish she’d get excited about me too.”

“Geez, dude, this project sure is going to be wild ride, huh? You just switched from dreamy lovey dovey to mega sawi in under a second.”Jeremy makes a questioning noise, one that Michael’s come to understand as Jeremy’s shortcut for what did that mean now that lately, Michael’s been speaking a bit more Filipino around him.

“Sawi literally means ‘unlucky’, in English, but lately it’s been kind of specific to describe people who are down in the dumps and shit when your love life is kind of crummy,” Michael explains.

“Why the hell does your language have so many fitting words about love?” and Jeremy’s face is back in his bag again.

“No idea, dude,” Michael sighs, wondering the exact same thing.

-

Here’s the thing about Jeremy:

He’s a big ball of nerves who’s anxious ninety percent of his waking life. He second guesses his second guesses and doubts as if he’s being paid good money to. He tries to hide it, but he’s bitter and pissed off about a lot of things in life like his parents or his social standing. Sometimes, even if he doesn’t mean it, he’s a bit of an asshole. The state of Jeremy’s self-esteem, based on what Michael’s seen, is akin to an on fire screaming garbage can that keeps setting itself back on fire every time Michael tries to put it out.

But he also wears these dumb cardigans that are really soft and often are too long, covering his hands til only his fingers peek out. He’s got a weird, adorable, wheezy laugh that’s a remnant of the asthma he grew out of when he turned eleven. He keeps a paperclip or two in his pockets all the time to give to Michael just in case Michael feels like he needs to fidget with something. He always remembers Michael’s birthday. His Filipino is atrocious, but he tries to speak words and phrases of it anyway.

The thing about Jeremy is that he’s pretty much the best person Michael knows.

-

heerefarwhereveryouare is calling…

“Coolest guy on the planet speaking, how may I help you?” Michael wedges his phone between his head and shoulder so he can continue to rinse plates with his hands. On the line, Jeremy lets out a very emotional screech. “Uh, buddy?”

“Are you busy right now?” Jeremy asks.

“Just dishes,” Michael grabs another plate. “What’s up? I thought you went to Christine’s place for the project?”

“Exactly! I mean, I’m home now, but, oh my god! I went to Christine’s house!”

“Ohhhh, I get it, this is call is going to be gushing about the whole experience, am I right?” Michael says fondly.

“No—I mean, yeah, but, you know.”

“It’s alright, Jer, you don’t have to justify it,” Michael thinks that if he actually had any other friends, he’d love to gush about Jeremy to them. Alas, he wasn’t as lucky. “Go for it.”

“For real?”

“It would be a privilege to have your sonorous voice wax poetic while I get sudsy with plates,” Michael tells him sincerely. “Unleash the raving dude. I am ready.”

“Okay, well,” Jeremy says. “Okay. Okay. I’ll start from the top. So like, she lives pretty nearby so we walk and it’s kind of awkward for a bit? I’m like, agh, fuck it, so I just say whatever the hell is on my mind and it turns out what that was was dolphins.”

“You fucking furry.”

“Says the guy who followed Meerkat Manor religiously,” Jeremy fires back with no hesitation. Michael has never been prouder of his boy. “There was a documentary about them on Animal Planet a few days ago focusing on their sonar powers so I just kind of blurt that out weirdly. I wanted to like, dive into a gutter and die, but then she just keeps asking about it? She got really interested in it. At one point, she makes this adorable dolphin noise, it was—” Jeremy makes a noise which Michael understands fully. Michael also feels very random noise over cute shit Jeremy does all the time.

“See? Being sincere works! Even if it’s about dolphins,” Michael laughs. “How’d the rest go?”

“Uh, well, we we’re productive, for most of it. We drafted what parts of the drama we wanted to expound on,” Jeremy sighs. “She’s really, really, smart Michael. I’m okay in English, but she’s a genius. She’s so passionate and perceptive about the themes and ironies present in the text. She’s a huge theatre kid and she’s super excited for the school play which is gonna have their sign ups soon. Dude, if she signs up, I will too.”

“Nice!” He smiles. “I’m loving the confidence!”

“Yeah, I—She’s just really confident with herself so she makes me want to try to, if that makes sense?”

“Of course it does. I’m glad she’s bringing this out in you, man.”

“I am too,” Jeremy sighs, ridiculously fond. It’s a soft sound, but it echoes in Michael’s head, bouncing off the walls of his brain, clattering around, causing all kinds of shit like aches in his chest or a hunch to his back. Oh, how he wishes. He wishes, real bad.

“Michael? Michael, you still there?” Jeremy voice brings him back. Right. Rinsing a plate and on the phone with a boy who’s got no idea.

“Yeah, still here, dude,” Michael says. “Just zoned out a bit. You know how I get with the dishes. All the soap gets really existential.”

Jeremy snorts, “Whatever you say, man. Listen, I’ve gotta go. I promised Christine I’d message her the google doc link to what we made today. Thanks for listening, Michael! You’re the greatest.”

“And don’t you forget it,” Michael dries his hands. “Good night, dude.”

“Night!” and Jeremy hangs up.

Michael takes a deep breath. Then another. And another. He runs a hand down his face and thinks, fuck. Michael is happy. He’s gotta be happy. His best friend is actually interacting with the girl he’s crushing on, so Michael is over the moon. But the tight feeling in his throat stubbornly says otherwise.

Sawi doesn’t even begin to describe whatever this is now.

-

Here’s the thing about Michael:

His head is a cluttered mess that goes eighty eight miles per hour basically every second, but never in any useful direction. He likes obscure stuff that not many other people can relate to. He gets that sometimes he speaks too fast or is too loud or generally just is too much, but doesn’t know how to tone himself down. He’s weird and uncool but he’s also aware that there’s honestly nothing wrong with that as long as he’s having fun. He’s a loner, but he doesn’t care because he’s got Jeremy.

Michael’s also been Jeremy’s best friend ever since they met twelve years ago at some undisclosed sandbox where Jeremy talked to him out of nowhere holding a beetle in his hands. He’s seen Jeremy at his highest (first place at the sixth grade science fair with his experiment that tested out the slipperiness of certain fruit peels), and his lowest (“Michael? Can I come over? Uh, well, I’m fine, I swear. It’s just—mom left and. I’m fine, I’m—”). He slowly dug himself a hole of non platonic feelings for his best friend and only noticed he didn’t bring a ladder with him to get out once he was already in too deep.

The thing about Michael is that he’s had a lot of practice at this.

-

Somebody taps Michael’s shoulder in the hallway and he almost has a heart attack. He turns around slowly, apprehensive, because Jeremy never touches Michael out of nowhere without clear visual warning, so it’s either a bully, an axe murderer, or the heaviest fly in the world.

None of the above. Michael has to look down a little bit to see Christine Canigula waving at him sheepishly.

“Uh,” Michael pulls his headphones down. This is odd. People don’t talk to Michael. Christine is people. He should probably say something. “Hi?”

“Hi, uh, I don’t know if you know me,” Christine says, gesturing wildly already despite only having spoken for two seconds. “But you’re Jeremy Heere’s friend right? Michael?”

“Yep, that’s me,” Michael smiles. Nickname wise, Jeremy Heere’s Friend is a lot better than Anti-Social Headphones Kid. He hopes it catches on. “You’re Christine.”

“Yeah, how’d you know?”

“Jeremy talks about you a lot,” he says because he’s a goddamn good friend, damn it. “Like a lot. You’re a great English partner. The absolute best, if his words are to be believed.”

“He’s just overselling me,” she laughs. It’s a dorky, wheezy laugh, Jesus Christ, they’re made for each other. “Jeremy’s really sweet.”

“Yeah, he’s like, the softest boy in the world,” Michael tells her.

“I really like your patches,” she segues, pointing at the Rise Above Racism one in particular.

“Thanks. I really like your dress.” Michael says, for the lack of anything else to say. There was never a walkthrough on how to do smalltalk. It really is a nice dress, though.

“Thanks!”

“So, uh,” Michael fiddles with the wire of his headphones. “What’s up?”

“Oh! Right,” Christine blinks, slinging her backpack off her shoulders. “He forgot his cardigan back at my place, yesterday. I could’ve returned it tomorrow, when we have class, but he’s pretty thin so I was worried that he might get too cold. I really don’t want my English partner to die from, like, hypothermia, or something. Especially since he’s been a great partner. I’m really glad I got paired with him, because I’m pretty sure everybody else in the class doesn’t really care all that much about the text. It’s like, there’s a reason Shakespeare is timeless, y’know? But a lot of people nowadays don’t wanna give it a chance long enough to see just how incredible all his works were, and still are, even now!” She says, impressively, all in one breath.

“Yeah, dude, rock on Shakespeare,” Michael smiles, kind of taken aback, but charmed all the same. Michael’s about as straight as a circle, but he can see why Jeremy likes Christine. “Jeremy’s the raddest.”

“Rad!” Christine cheers, Jeremy’s cardigan in hand. It’s adorable. “Here, you go. Heh, Heere. Heere you go.”

“Oh geez, I’ll tell him you said that, he’ll lose his shit,” Michael laughs.

“Nice,” she rocks back and forth on her feet, then suddenly she jolts, as if remembering. “Whoa, wait, sorry I’ve gotta run. Thank you so much, Michael. See you around!”

And she whirls off, walking away with a happy skip in her step.

-

Here’s the thing about Christine:

Michael doesn’t know her. He knows the adoring stained glass image collage of her that Jeremy has created through dreamy anecdotes and forlorn sighs. He’s aware that there might be a lot different between that image and the real Christine Canigula, but just by going off of what he’s seen, Christine is a great girl

She’s nerdy and unapologetically passionate about her interests. She’s a little all over the place, but so is Jeremy. She smiles a lot and happiness trails after her like an devoted puppy. She layers clothes like a boss. Michael doesn’t know her all that well, but she makes Jeremy happy.

The thing about Christine is that she makes Jeremy happy. And that’s the most important fucking thing.

-

“Dude, are you wearing my cardigan?” Jeremy asks later when they meet for lunch.

“Sure am,” Michael says, picking up his juice carton. “I bumped into Christine earlier and she told me you forgot it and gave it to me instead of waiting to see you tomorrow because she was worried your skinny ass would die from the cold.”

“She was worried about me?” Jeremy smiles like a dweeb, before blinking and saying, “Wait, that doesn’t explain why you’re wearing my cardigan, though.”

“It’s soft as fuck,” Michael bites his straw to hell and back. “You can have it back after lunch.”

“Fair enough,” he says, starting to eat whatever mush it is the cafeteria served today. “So what’d you think?”

“Of what?”

“Christine,” Jeremy says. “That’s the first time you met her, right?”

Michael nods, deciding to pick on Jeremy a little bit. “She’s nice, I guess.”

“You guess,” he hisses. “That’s it, take off the cardigan. Only people who appreciate Christine for all her glory is allowed to wear it.”

“Agh! I’m kidding, I’m kidding, she’s incredible and perfect and she’ll wage an army of puppies to fight off people who don’t like Shakespeare,” Michael laughs, batting away Jeremy’s grabby hands.

Jeremy huffs, sitting back down, and he’s silent for a moment. Then he says, “I think I might tell her soon.”

Those seven words rattle in his head. Clang, clang, clang, motherfucker. But Michael’s been doing this long enough to expertly cram all of it into a box in the corner of his mind for later. Priority number one: Jeremy. Always.

“Dude! So proud! High five,” Michael raises his hand. Jeremy sheepishly swats at it. Close enough. “How are you going to do it?”

“I haven’t thought that far ahead yet,” he grumbles. “I always stutter and forget how to talk when I’m around her.”

“Maybe you can try writing a letter?” Michael suggests past the tight feeling in his throat. “She’ll love something like that.”

“You really think so?” Jeremy smiles, a little unsure, a little perfect.

“I know so,” Michael assures him. “And whatever happens, I’ll be here to help you through, ‘kay?”

“Thanks, Michael,” Jeremy leans his head against Michael’s shoulder. “What would I do without you?”

“Probably crash and burn,” he says, swallowing all the aches down.

-

His point is this. Christine, should she ever like Jeremy back—which is highly probable given that Jeremy is a fucking catch—would be really good for Jeremy. They’d be really good for each other. They’re both nerdy and cute and they’d be so good.

Michael might be the pining best friend, but really, he’s a best friend first. Best friends make best friends happy. Above all, Jeremy deserves that.

Even if it’s with somebody else.

(not as much filipino in this part :^(((. i’ll make it up in the later chapters [prayer hands emoji])

#bmc #be more chill #boyf riends #iwrotesomething #my laptop is dying i gotta post thisfast haha #jhfkjdskfd wordcount na pahaba pahaba ng pahaba

[jameshateseverything-blog]

Your Childhood (Actually) Sucks

I’m always worried when I say this; but Final Fantasy 7 is the most overrated game of all time. That, however, isn’t the point. How good it is is less important than how good people remember it being. Because the way people remember things is more important than the way things actually are.

  I spend a great deal of time thinking about being thirteen. Probably more than I should, to the point it borders on an addiction. My best friend and his newfound girlfriend decided Mariah Carey’s “We Belong Together” would be “their song.” I had placed second at the district chess tournament being held at my school. And I had been playing Final Fantasy 10 for the first time. It was not the first game in the series I had played, that goes to 7. What it was, however, was the first game in the series I have ever experienced.

  When I initially set out to write this essay I wanted to merely make an argument as to why Final Fantasy 7 isn’t good (or at least not as good as everyone seems to tell me it is). I had planned out several points as to why other entries in the series trumped it. Namely in the storytelling and gameplay departments. I decided to give 7 another playthrough, however. After spending some time with the game, which I concede holds up better than most Playstation 1 titles, I have come to realize something; maybe Final Fantasy 7 is not just the most overrated game of all time. Maybe, just maybe, the entire series is one of the most overrated gaming franchises ever. For those of you (which I assume is most) that have never played 7, 10, or any Final Fantasy, I am going to do my best to cover the story of those two specific games. I chose 7 and 10 because (a) the original argument was based on 7 and (b) though I wouldn’t say 10 is the best, I would say it is my personal favorite.

  Our story opens up with edgy ex-corporate mercenary Cloud Strife working alongside terrorist movement AVALANCHE to take down a Mako reactor. Mako being the life force of the planet and what is used to run all machinery. It is essentially crude oil that has the latent ability to grant certain people magical powers, like shooting fireballs or summoning ancient gods. But Shinra faces the problem that Mako energy is beginning to run low and their only hope is to find an ancient promised land. A promised land that is rumored to have Mako flowing endlessly beneath it. The dilemma, only an extinct race of people, the Cetra, know how to find this fossil fuel Mecca.

 As the game progresses you assemble a team of unlikely heroes including emo boy Cloud. A revenge-fuelled Barrett who has a gun for a hand and a deep-seated hatred for Shinra’s use of technology. The last remaining Cetra, Aeirith. There’s also a pseudo-vampire, a talking lion wolf, and a marshmallow plush controlled by a cat. Shinra has their eyes set on Aerith, they manage to capture her, and so begins the quest for renewable energy. Cloud and crew go to rescue her and this is when the true villain is introduced. Pretty boy and fan favorite Sephiroth is a one-winged semi-clone of a deity that fell from the sky as a meteor thousands of years prior. Sephiroth is one blatant metaphor for a Christian guilt complex. Sephiroth (who is also the god Jenova) wants to summon another meteor to destroy the planet so he can absorb all the Mako and become one with it. When Cloud and friends try to stop him, he manages to mind control Cloud. Then Convinces Cloud that he’s a clone of Sephiroth with the memories of some guy named Zack planted in him. Cloud has a mental breakdown, becomes catatonic, falls into the planet’s lifestream with his childhood friend, and sorts out his existential crisis like some bad acid trip. After he spends 10 minutes getting his shit together, the gang flies into the crater where Jenova initially crash landed Lord Xenu style. They do battle with Sephiroth, who is also Jenova, who is also the ancient entity known as Meteor. They kill him with the help of a deceased Aerith, and the world returns to its beautiful dystopian self. Minus the evil conglomerate monopoly of Mako Shinra once had. Convoluted enough for you? I didn’t even touch on the movie, four spin-off games (two on cell phone), or the racing of giant chickens to learn to summon King Arthur’s henchmen.

 Let us compare 7’s convoluted mess of a story to 10’s. Final Fantasy 10 follows Tidus, a young man with an Oedipus complex. One night, during a game of underwater space soccer [read: Blitzball], Tidus is interrupted by a colossal parasitic winged slug destroying the city of Zannarkand. Tidus and a friend of his father try to fight the creature but are ultimately defeated and Tidus wakes up in a completely different world. In this new world, a few things overlap. Space Soccer is larger than the super bowl, the city Zannarkand still exists though it is in ruins, and the giant slug unironically named Sin. Sin is the driving force for the game’s narrative. The creature is an evil that reincarnates itself and is allegedly a manifestation of what happens when man uses technology rather than prayer. So I guess Sin is just another Christian guilt complex villain.

 Throughout the story Tidus befriends an unlikely group of heroes including a subpar Blitzball player who has a deep-seated hatred (bordering on racist) for the machine using Al-Bhed. There is a summoner on a pilgrimage to sacrifice herself to stop Sin for another couple dozen years. A biped lion wolf, and a few other JRPG tropes.

 As the story progress you find out that Tidus’ father helped on the previous summoner’s pilgrimage and became Sin. Tidus finds out he isn’t real, and that if they defeat Sin he will fade into a literal dream. Tidus spends 10 minutes sorting out this existential crisis. There is some whistling. The party goes inside of Sin. Father, son, and not-so-holy ghost all die. The world falls back into its primitive state now liberated and free to use their technology as they please.

 The games are pretty damn similar when reduced to the lowest common denominator. I have time and time again praised 10 while putting down 7. And if you have played both of them you would be quick to see how they are inherently different. But this is how I remember those games. And how I imagine many others remember them to some degree, minus a few scenes left out for brevity.

 I was 13 and sitting in the back of my step-father’s Lincoln Navigator. There was a PS2 set up to the small screen and I was playing Final Fantasy 10; nearing the end. My step-dad just bought a “new car” scented car freshener. To this day I associate that smell with my favorite game of all time. This phenomenon, my addiction, to me is one of the most fascinating tricks the mind plays on us. Nostalgia, coming from the greek words nostos and algos translating to “homecoming pain.” There was a time it was used by the Swiss military where they thought the only treatment for the condition was to send the mercenaries home. Now we see there is something universal about “the better days.”

 After discussing the concept of nostalgia with a handful of people I have noticed people tend to fall into two different camps. Some, myself included, look at nostalgia with joyous sorrow. As though there are memories, emotions, and sensations that can never be duplicated. Think back to a favorite Christmas or birthday present, remember how you felt? Even though I believe that feeling itself can be replicated, the way you remember that feeling is encapsulated in that moment and forever gone. In this first camp, there is a fear that if we don’t cling to those memories we may lose a piece of our identity with them. The second camp tends to view nostalgia pejoratively. Longing being some type of weakness. Even if there were  “good ol’ days” you can’t ever get them back so why waste time trying? Now whether either of these mentalities is objectively more correct than the other, impossible to say. I’m more just fascinated that everybody feels homecoming pain. I did notice, however, that people more invested into games (video or sport) tend to sit in the former camp with myself. I think that is where Final Fantasy, especially 7, begins to fall apart. Am I using Nostalgia to say that Final Fantasy 7 is bad, even subjectively? No, not really. Instead I’m calling into question why it is important. Not important for gaming, but important to the gamers who believe it is the high bar for the series, or even games in general.

 A few hundred words ago I drew attention to the similarities between 10 and 7. And I would like to narrow that down to just the two protagonists; Cloud and Tidus. At face value these characters are different. Tidus is a young, naive, hot-headed sports star trying to live up to a father he resents. Cloud is a battle-hardened soldier whose idol turned out to be a monster. We are supposed to identify as these two. Our perspective is limited to theirs. Both are detached from a larger picture that they inevitably find themselves the center of. So even if Cloud and Tidus are different from one another, their general arcs manage to remain the same. This is why people (myself included) find these games to be important in their lives. Both of their lives are lies. One is a fleeting dream of the gods and the other a blonde husk with a brunette’s memories. Neither character has any reason to exist.

 Usually, if you listen, when people talk about their favorite music, movies, games it often is something from their childhood. You favorite Final Fantasy is most likely the first one you played. If it isn’t, your favorite was probably played around the ages of 13-16.  Even if you have never played these games I want you to take a moment to just stop. Take a nice long hit of that homecoming pain. Go back, try to remember being 9, or 13, or 16. Try to remember who you were as a person. Sorry if you were awkward, but that awkwardness is kind of the point. These transitional points in our lives, they are moments when we are developing responsibilities and learning who we are. Whether it is your first day home without the babysitter, or a first day of high school, those periods are when we can exist outside of our parents and act as yourself. I remember once breaking down in front of my parents proclaiming I did not know who I was. I didn’t belong. I had no reason to exist. I was the same as Cloud or Tidus.

 I suppose when I hate on Cloud as a character, or when others shun Tidus, what we are really doing is collectively hating how annoying and whiny younger versions of ourselves were. But it wasn’t always that way. Sure, we didn’t have to come to terms with being a clone. But maybe, like Tidus, we discover some aspect of our life is a lie. Santa isn’t real. We can’t all be astronauts. These tiresome characters are just us as tiresome teenagers. And it is hard not to look back and cling to that notion, a moment where we didn’t have to feel so alone. At that age it is nice to be understood.

 So do I hate Final Fantasy 7? No, of course not, I’m mostly enjoying my third playthrough. But the story doesn’t speak to me like it did when I was a kid. I’m not sure it is supposed to either. This idea that no Final Fantasy will ever capture the same magic as the old ones is toxic. It is only going to hurt the growth of the series in the future. Nothing revolutionary can come of trying to capture the old while moving on to the new. 7, 10, 13, these games aren’t terrible by any means. But they are the Donald Trump of gaming. Maybe we can’t make Final Fantasy great again. Maybe it never was that great.

#Final fantasy x #final fantasy vii #writing #personal #ffvii #ffx #final fantasy #nostalgia

[translationandbetrayals]

Saitama's Power Level in One Punch Man

Saitama is the answer that author One gives to the hypothetical question that probably no other shounen creator had risked answering before, and that is what if the protagonist was invincible? This poses obvious problems for the genre, since one if its main tenets is the progression and growth, not only of its story, but also its main characters. We see this exemplified in Dragon Ball, Naruto, One Piece, Hunter x Hunter, all shows that have progressively higher stakes, danger, and power levels. The reason for this is that adversity is engaging, we as the audience are capable of relating to hardship (and the overcoming of it). Conflict is considered an essential part of good storytelling, and in shounen it is usually resolved through physical violence.  One Punch Man throws this out the window by introducing Saitama, a hero so powerful that he can beat absolutely everyone in just one punch. It sounds like a counter intuitive premise, and I was initially unsure about how the author would manage to keep it engaging for the audience. In my mind, an invincible protagonist risked getting very boring in the long run, since there would be no real sense of progression and growth or even danger ever present in the story. Any conflict is potentially undermined by the fact that the outcome has already been predetermined.  There are many reasons as to why this doesn’t happen to the show, and one of them is that author One doesn’t just content himself with showing us the fights (which is some of the best animation I have ever seen), he also explores how Saitama’s existence affects the world he inhabits and how other characters react to him. Most interestingly though, he explores how being invincible affects Saitama himself, as this same lack of conflict that would make the show boring for the audience is reflected in his situation. He is going through an existential crisis due to his inability to feel any kind of thrill, since his power level is so far above everyone else’s. 

Usually, shounen mangas establish clear rules that govern their worlds and let the audience know how to gauge power levels, and where the protagonist stands relative to other characters. They are always a combination of physical strength, mental prowess and an imagined ability system that is unique to each universe. For example, Naruto has Chakra, Hunter x Hunter has Nen, Dragon Ball has Ki. As mentioned before, these are used as a way of allowing character as well as story growth, as the powers are blended into the story itself. The master of this is probably One Piece’s Eiichiro Oda, who has consistently and believably progressed Luffy and crew alongside the story, while at the same introducing new characters with proportional power. These power ups are, most of the time, the result of actual physical training done by the characters, but more importantly, they are combined with new and creative ways of expanding upon their unique abilities. In the case of One Piece, these abilities come from so called Devil Fruits. These strange looking fruits imbue those who eat them with special powers, and in the case of Luffy, who eats the Gomu Gomu fruit, it makes him a rubber man.

One Punch Man is noticeably different though. There is no apparent unique power system that exists exclusively within Saitama’s world. Sure, there are some characters with telepathic abilities and some assisted by technology (like his Cyborg sidekick Genos), but that is as far as author One takes it when it comes to the strength of his human characters. 

The main source of power is raw physical strength, and it’s by pure training that they can be progressed. The antagonists range from mad scientists, to mole people (seriously) to basically any monster one can imagine, but their goals are always meant to be achieved through physical superiority. In this world, the heroes association exists to deal with any and all threats to mankind, and its members consist of various heroes from differing backgrounds and ranking, ranging from the lowest D class heroes to the highest S class hero celebrities. It’s these varied monsters that eventually become the focus of the story, when their increased rates of appearance and power put the association under pressure from public opinion and the monsters themselves. This is where Saitamas power level is absurdly but unquestioningly established, as his participation in the association eventually leads him to fight monsters that are rivaled only by the dozen or so S class heroes that exist in the world. At one point, Saitama fights an alien so powerful that he claims to have already destroyed an entire galaxy, thus prompting our characters first “serious punch” (that is the actual name of the attack). It is safe to say, Saitama is the strongest being in existence.

Serious Punch

There are many aspects worth digging into here, but the one I am focusing on is how Saitama becomes the strongest being, and more importantly, how such power can be explained within the Universe of One Punch Man. The first of these questions is not only answered in the show, it is also made a recurring plot point which drives his relationship with his disciple, Genos. This power obsessed Cyborg becomes Saitama’s apprentice after being rescued by his fortunate intervention in a monster attack, and his goal becomes learning the secret to his strength. The source of it is eventually revealed to be both extremely impressive yet paradoxically underwhelming. He did 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, 100 squats and ran 10km every single day for 3 years, which caused all of this hair to fall out. The reason for Saitama’s strength is apparently nothing more than extreme physical training, which somehow allowed him to unlock unmatched power.

 Embarrasing Genos

Now, at first glance this appears to be understandably impossible, since physical training can only make a normal person so powerful. There are natural limits to our improvements, and there are diminishing returns the more we exercise. One could imitate Saitamas exercise and never come even close to the strength he has in the show, so what is going on? How can Saitama have become so powerful? There are a couple of clues given to us in the show, and I believe we can use those to glimpse at the “rules” of this Universe that One simply never explicitly revealed. In the first episode of the show, Saitama encounters a “Crab Man”, someone that has been literally transformed into a crab due to eating too many of them. Later on in the show, a similar thing happens with “Lizard Man”, who turned after becoming obsessed with them. In Saitamas very encounter with the crab man, he explains that his goal, since he was a child, was to become a hero that could defeat any foe in just a single punch. 

Crab Man and Lizard Man

I believe there is a pattern here. Within the world of One Punch Man, obsession and willpower have different consequences than we would expect, and that is reflected in the words of Dr. Genus, a scientist that analyzed Saitamas body and said the following: “No matter how much effort they put into it, every living being has a certain individual limitation to their growth. A living being has a set growth limit, grow too strong and the burden on the wielder could make them lose control, like a monster that has lost their mind. That is why God has made each and every living being so that it cannot grow further than a certain degree, for their own survival and sanity. This growth restriction is known as a limiter. However, he had pushed himself to surpass his limitations and succeeded in removing his limiter”. This leads me to believe that within the world of One Punch Man, people are capable of physically changing their own bodies and capabilities through sheer training and willpower, mutating into crabs or lizards or basically God, depending on how central those things become to each person’s life.  The source of Saitamas power is his desire to be able to defeat his enemies in one punch, combined with his backbreaking routine to actually become stronger. Not only this, but Saitama has very clear and unwavering principles when it comes to being a hero. He calls it just a hobbie, but he defeats monsters out of the desire to protect the people that are most affected by them. The main point is that in the world of One Punch Man, there is in fact a unique power system, it’s just subtler than in other shounens. A person’s passion can grant them power way beyond what is normal for a human being, while their obsession can even mutate their bodies.  Now, we know Saitama is invincible because every fight he is in ends in one punch, but as stronger enemies start to appear, one can’t but imagined what would happen if someone on Saitama’s level were to appear. Since he earned his power, does that mean there are others that could earn it too?

Anyway, this I think adds a layer of complexity to the show that I welcome, since it suggests the author is willing to push his show into more interesting aspects of its themes. One Punch Man is not just about watching monsters blow up in 1 hit (although it does look beautiful). It’s about exploring how an existence such as Saitama would affect the world and those who witness it, which is I like the most about it. I’d recommend watching the anime and transitioning to the manga, since the quality is amazing in both. 

- Maximilian Erasmy

-Well, what can I say?  I’m just happy that people are actually using this space to write about what they like and give more than the minimal things we ask. The same with the Shizuka Joestar post. Thanks.

Just that, the post is great, the images are great and overall I have nothing to say except you forgot to sign the post and great job.

[lemonela]

This Is How It Gets Better

This is a story of how it gets better. This is about overcoming years of manipulation and emotional abuse. This is about breaking free from a persona I've created of myself. This is about being myself, embracing myself, and knowing my self-worth. This is my story of self-love.

Chapter 1: This Isn't Even Me For the most part, I didn't really like high school. The two years I regret the most are Grade 8 and 9, because there hadn't been a more significant time where I was not myself. It was a typical 'new kid trying to fit in' situation, and I surprisingly managed to feel like I did blend in with everyone else. It was also the first time I felt popular and I'm almost 100% sure that was the only motivation that kept me going with this outward masked identity for two years. I was everything I knew I wasn't. I followed trends, I managed to get a boyfriend (which literally surprised everyone including myself), I must've been outgoing (considering all the people I met), I woke up earlier than I do for most of my classes now just to straighten (though I like to use the word 'damage') my precious curly hair that I love so much... *sigh* the list goes on. Everything just felt so wrong and at some point, I just wanted to drop the role and be myself. Chapter 2: Unloved, Mistrusted, Broken The thing is that there were so many other things going on as well. This drastic change from being this quiet, shy, and innocent girl I was known to be in elementary school to who I became once I entered high school (whom I don't even know how to describe) had shook everyone, and suddenly, my world had flipped. So many questions raised from myself and others. From 'Who am I? Why am I doing this again?' to 'Where are you going anyway? What are you doing?' What hurts the most is that the biggest assumptions came from loved ones, and eventually, I started believing that I was no more than labels. Labels such as 'slut', 'no future', 'wasted life', 'stupid', 'dumb', 'disgrace of a daughter,' etc. I was not trusted, I felt extremely unloved, and after two years of emotional abuse, it broke me to the point where I became suicidal. The monster in this story was everyone against me. It took me and ate up all of the love and respect I ever had for myself. Chapter 3: Existential Crisis Along with external battles, the most significant ones happen within ourselves. Not only was I having to deal with the environment around me, I was already breaking beforehand on the inside. I never realized that I didn't like what I was doing, yet I did it anyway. It became a battle between my mind and my heart. My mind was telling me that I needed to fit it, and my heart was telling me to drop the act. Looking back, I never thought I'd get my first existential crisis (that I was aware of) at 14/15-years-old.  I was going through so much stuff all at once. First off, I kept questioning why exactly I was receiving harsh treatment from my loved ones, as well as why I wasn't being myself at school. 'Have I not always been a good person? What have I done to receive this kind of treatment? What will it take for this nightmare to end? Am I really what they think I am?' -- Lindsey, of course not. Chapter 4: Solitude & Healing At the end of Grade 9, I had an epiphany as I was watching other performers at a dance competition. I decided that I have had enough of mistreatment that I did not deserve and I was exhausted of not being my true self to those around me and myself. I threw away the idea of 'fitting in' and replaced it with a new project. Another great change within was going to happen, but this time, it was only for me.  In Grade 10, I spent a lot of time by myself, because I was figuring stuff out, as well as keeping quiet out of fear for worse situations. Physically speaking, I had stopped damaging my hair with heat and I started dressing the way I wanted to dress. Inside, I was still broken, sad, and angry, as I was recovering from trauma that had not fully stopped, but had calmed down. It's hard to recover from people who hurt you when you live with them, and even harder when there isn't accountability from the perpetrator(s). Despite the bad experiences, I lived with hope in my heart that I would one day heal and my life would get better. Chapter 5: Take Back What You Said Now that I think more about it, 16-year-old Lindsey was my 'angst-teen' era. Despite becoming very attached to the Catholic faith at the time, I was ironically judgemental towards those who did not have faith in God, or who claimed they did, but still continued doing bad things. I wanted to prove to my family that they got it all wrong, almost that I had adapted their own judgements, but it was obviously done in a very unhealthy way. Bashing others and their life choices didn't make me look or feel any better. I was being negative towards others and myself, when what I needed was optimism, hope, and love. After a year of hateful attitude towards basically my whole grade, I took a step back and decided that I should stop this unhealthy 'I'm better than you' comparison habit that I had developed in order to cope with the trauma of misconstrued labels placed upon me. The journey of self-love doesn't develop when you're comparing yourself to others. It starts when you start taking responsibility for your actions and start making better decisions on how you want to live your life. Chapter 6: Be What You Believe In After having my second existential crisis, most things went uphill from there on out. I discovered role models that I could look up to, drowned myself in positivity and self-help books, and most importantly, I started to regain love and respect for myself. The depressing feelings that I had were slowly, but surely making their way out. More than three years after the start of my trauma, 2015 was a whirlwind of obstacles (read This Is My Story for more details) and I wasn't fully stable from what I've been through from the past. Aside from it being a difficult year, it was also very empowering. My trip to France that year was a huge highlight. I fell in love with the country because of the feelings it gave me. It had given me new perspectives -- the notion that there are so many places to explore in the world, that there are so many people out there to meet, and that life can be so beautiful and worth living if you choose to make it that way. It was also the year I created Livin'Lin which was a project I've been wanting to do for years, and look where its brought me. Look where I've brought myself! Chapter 7: Hi, I'm Lindsey, aka Livin'Lin, aka That Girl In The Yellow Jacket You know how everyone has a story to tell? That one story that has shaped them into being who they are now? What you've just read is that story for me. For that reason alone, despite my past self going through the lowest of times, it's for those experiences that I overcame which remind me of how strong I really am. Most days, I am proud of who I am and I am so thankful to be here. If I hadn't decided to be myself, I wouldn't have found some of the best and closest friends I have now. If I hadn't decided to kill myself, I wouldn't be able to be my little brother's role model. If I hadn't decided to take a stand against false labels and home bullies, I would not have been the outspoken, shameless, and badass woman I am now.

If you've made it this far, thank you. This story means so much to me. MENTAL HEALTH NOTE:

If you're wondering why I've decided to share this story, it's because it empowers me to open up about experiences I could not talk about before. With such traumatic experiences, it's no doubt that the healing process will be lengthy and full of surprises. In fact, I didn't even realize I was being emotionally abused until I saw a Buzzfeed video last year on the subject that still brings me to tears whenever I watch it. I used to think about abuse as physical abuse, but later on, I found out that abuse can also destroy you mentally. I also didn't realize I was being manipulated by someone until a few weeks ago when I was having another introspective moment at night, wondering more of the why in my creation of false self-image in my early teens.  This story still causes me to break down when I talk about it (oh man, I bawled my eyes out when I was writing the first three chapters that I had to take a walk), but I've gotten a lot better at controlling myself. The summer of 2015, I went to my family doctor and told her that I may be depressed because of what I had been through. At the time, I was very scared of labels like that, fearing that despite my hard work in becoming better, I was actually a mess. I started telling her My Story and burst into tears; resulting in me not being able to finish it. My diagnosis was social anxiety, PTSD, and situational depression. For a long time, I've been quiet about what has happened to me, because it brings back (mostly) terrible memories. I endured being severely anxious to speak to loved ones, out of fear that what ever I was going to say was going to be misconstrued and turned against me. I was scared for a long time, so what ever growth I was going through, I kept to myself.  From the birth of Livin'Lin to now, I've opened up so much towards myself, my friends, my classmates, my family, and whoever reads my words online. If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self that what ever she is experiencing, she will get through it, because she is so much stronger than what others think of her. She is a warrior and she can get through anything life throws at her. I want her to know that even though she didn't receive the love she needed, she found it within herself. And when she discovered that love, she would share it with the world to inspire others, bring happiness into their lives, and hope that they also discover their full potential. To my readers, to the countless strangers who have sent me long messages that weren't necessary, not a day goes by that I'm head-over-heels thankful that I made all of the decisions I've made so far in my life. I dreamed of having my voice heard for a long time and because of me creating this blog, my voice was heard, and now, I only want to create an even bigger impact. Remember that you're the one in control of your own life and you have all of this power inside of you to do some good in this world. Even if you haven't found it, believe that you will. -- You are loved, you are so important, and you are so special -- the world is just waiting for you to share your soul with them. Love, always Lindsey xoxo

#mental health #self-love #empowerment #personal

[raining-down-on-the-system]

Not gunna lie (a sorta update turned long rambley and dissociative

Crap's been bad. Stressful and hard are the best ways to describe the last 3(?) ish months... It seems like just as everything gets back to "normal" something else comes up... The vast majority has been external stress and happenings. Now though, certain things are transferring to internal bs too and there's literally nothing anyone of us can do about it. Our probably lowest functioning alter in our section was apparently just starting to make sounds, from what I understand there wasn't really anything close to words but sounds alone are a big deal for her. Well somehow word of this got to a persecutor - I really am not comfortable naming anyone here...idk it's all really personal and still really fresh so, yeah, you guys understand... - anyway our persecutor got a hold of her and brought her back to the section over, which none of us /but/ this particular alter has access to (unless she brings you there herself.. obviously) which is REAL damn concerning bc she won't tell anyone - including my bf who she's got a good relationship/trust with (or at least it seems.. idk I'm really sketched out by this tbh) - why/ for what purpose she brought her over there, or anyyyy details surrounding it besides just "it's Otherside stuff, don't worry about it" or hella vague statements like that... (Otherside is the name of the section over from... us? Lol idk how to word it, I don't wanna say "main section" but like???? We literally just call the section we're all in "Inside", the whole of the inner space is called "inner world" like.. 'normal' to differentiate, even though it's super close.. basically we've never been able to agree on a name for our section) Anywayyyy the worry is abuse happening innerworld/ Otherside more specifically based on what we know of her and Otherside.. I'd have to check the dates cuz I'm not 100% positive, but I'm fairly sure this all lines up with some intense and sudden family stress that I don't plan on going into due to contents of it.. idk why I feel the need to explain myself... pretty sure anyone following me who bothers to read all this will probably understand how sensitive content can be difficult/ triggering for both the writer and reader.. this is a damn DID system blog for fucks sake. But point being I'm super concerned for what this could mean, especially as far as unraveling trauma, because tbh I've basically been avoiding that like the plague in therapy... like I'm a crazy curious person by nature, and I want to learn all there is to learn, but am also like a pro at deflecting emotion and (trying to remember how my therapist says it and failing apparently lol) - I legit give up on the end of this sentence I've been trying to figure out the words or even remember for the last like 5mins but I'm tired and starting to dissociate and ughhhhhhhhh....... this is annoying but I just really want to be able to finish my vent... So attempting to continue on... I'm like no good at accepting/ dealing with trauma or anything when presented with it - except occasionally when it's presented purely as fact and void of emotional backing, intent or charge.. lol - which is part of why my bf and I work so well together, were both lower empathy so we often step back and speak theoretically and non emotionally which works really well for us especially when problem solving and stuff. Ok but I've lost track of what I was trying to say again. But I'm keeping all this cuz it's helping me process I think so I can hopefully stop thinking myself in circles RIGHT ok trauma work.. yeah I'm scared shitless of it even though some sick part of me desperately wants to know... And pieces of things are starting to fall together a lot quicker than I would like all of a sudden and too many things are fitting logically together to come up with a most and more than likely scenario of early life events that was only really theorized by me until now and idk that I'm ready to accept this it's too damn much too quick like I had my ideas but I also kinda thought it was all bullshit and nothing would come of it and I'd just be a stupid and crazy young adult with differing issues than originally suspected but I think that's exactly the "cover up" if that makes any sense. It's my safety screen because I'm too much of a p*ssy to face up to any of it... Whelp... congratulations Tumblr... you've officially seen my thought process in writing as I slowly dwindle into dissociation and an existential crisis simultaneously... that's just great.... I'm not deleting any of this tho because I want the record of it tomorrow so I can get it down on paper or something... My therapist is gunna love this lol (like in the sense that she'll approve of me looking emotionally at events and such and communicating them.. at least I hope so?? Hi Stace!!!! lol it's me from the past!!! F*ckin trippy! K but seriously do you approve cuz now I'm paranoid and probs might cry but actually also probably not... just sayin) Guys Idk how to deal with this... imma be honest I'm freaking tf out by everything happening all around me. Like now I can't escape it regardless of where I go - not that that matters because amnesia is still being a regular bitch which I blame on the constant stress???? Does anyone else have that problem??? Amnesia getting worse while more stressed I mean, not just like switching more or something, specifically forgetting any switch. Cuz for a while communication was getting better and now it's gotten worse again.... Normal? Anyone?! ALSOooooooo I'm going through a phase of remembering my dreams right now and with all the stress (and how vivid they always are anyway) they've gotten extra weird and uncomfortable and are pulling ideas from like every corner of our waking life and meshing them together into confusing and jagged (that's not the word but the closest approximation I can make right now) dreammares... like they're not quite nightmares but they leave us with this sense of unease for sureeee... I could still hear the small child from my dream screaming for like 5mins after I woke up... (in the head, not like a hallucination) which leads me to believe it was possibly actually coming from somewhere inside but I don't really have a good way to confirm that and again with the whole curious bit a pussy thing I kinda don't wanna knowww.............. but I do but I really don't but I also do so like... fucking send help???/!!!?!?!?!? K I'm don't writing I'm a fucking mess and I can't tell my ceiling from a sea cave right now... -Jinxy

#jinxy speaks #rainingdownonthesystem #update #dissociativeidentitydisorder #actuallydissociative