#livingwithabusiveparents101
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it feels weird to feel like the third wheel in your own family
but that’s the feeling that hit me when the golden child, my dearest sister came home to visit. and I couldn’t say why, but my heart sank and I felt like crying. I felt myself get small and insignificant and it had been so long since I've been home that I forgot that’s how I use to feel all the time. and I guess that made it even more obvious than before.
for most people covid was the worst thing to happen and I can’t disagree there, but it really was a godsend too, because I got to escape from home since I had to keep going to work, I got to move out for 2 years and finally live. and that taste of freedom, of being able to just exist without every single action or inaction being judged, for constantly not being made to feel like I was too much and not enough, that I was a burden and a mistake was really freeing. and not that covid is the new normal, something we all have to live with, being forced back into the family house is just devastating and heartbreaking
the hospitality was running out at the end of the first week of moving back home. I could see the writing on the wall. but I was hopeful, I told myself that 2 years was a long time and that they were being so nice, that maybe the distance had fixed everything, that we’d finally be a family. but turns out hope is a cruel mistress. I was wanting something that could and would never be real, living in a delusion because that’s all I had to cling on to. because the truth hurts. the truth is like a knife that’s in your stomach being twisted constantly and never knowing peace. so I chose to lie to myself and ignore the truth and then a week later, it all comes crashing down
it’s the same old argument. it always starts the same. some family friend brags about their child and how perfect they are and my parents just start scratching at that itch. why am I not perfect like that golden child? why am I too fat? why am I too quiet? why do I stay home all the time? why don’t I go out with friends? why do I go out too much? why don’t I make enough money? why am I single? why why why. and the answer never satisfies them. because perfection doesn’t exist within me. because I was broken so very long ago and I'm just a soul that’s been cracked beyond repair. it all boils down to it, I'll never be the perfect child they want and they resent me for it. I resent me for it. even after all these years, I end up hating me the most. I guess that’s the one thing they can be proud of. their legacy, to make their own child hate their own existence so much that they will delude themselves and wish that they were dead instead of blaming them. because if this isn’t a masterclass in manipulation and narcism, then I don’t know what is
#livingwithabusiveparents101#living with abusive parents 101#abuse#psychological abuse#abuse victim#narcissistic parents#emotionally abusive#parents#manipulative parents#abusive parents#toxic parents#toxic parenting#abusive family#long term abuse#toxic people#irony
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the universe is laughing at me
So since it’s nearly xmas, it means that businesses are winding up, which also means that my mother is super bored now that she’s not busy with work. and her favourite past time? coming over to yell at me for an hour straight. she did it last weekend. she came back this weekend.
it’s always the same old things: why are you so stupid? do you not have a brain? why are you so fat? this is why no one will ever love you. we only yell and abuse you because we care, strangers wouldn't do this. no one cares about you. you owe us because you’re our daughter and we raised you, etc. this list goes on. it’s the same things every time.
but today was different because there was an ice cream truck parked in the neighbourhood so the whole time my parents are abusing me, cheery ice cream music is going on in the background. you just can’t ignore the irony, and if I don’t laugh at that, I'll definitely cry again
#livingwithabusiveparents101#living with abusive parents 101#abuse#child abuse#psychological abuse#abuse victim#narcissistic parents#emotionally abusive#parents#manipulative parents#abusive parents#toxic parents#toxic parenting#abusive family#physically abusive#abusive mom#abusive mum#long term abuse#family issues#toxic people#irony
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You will move out. You will finally do your hair the way you want. And dress the way you want. You will find someone who loves you for everything that you are (and aren’t). You will get that tattoo. And probably many more. You will meet people just like you. And time really will heal the wounds of living at home. It gets better.
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my parents will never know how many nights I cried myself to sleep, how often I wish I was dead, how many failed suicide attempts there were or how many suicide notes I had written over the course of my life. but they also don't care.
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Your feelings are valid. You have every right to feel whatever emotion you want. You aren’t being dramatic. You aren’t over exaggerating. You’re feeling. And that’s okay.
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You’re not a bad person. You’re a very good person who bad things have happened to.
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I will walk through my sorrow and I will smile through my pain.
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We are all just suicidal kids telling each other that suicide is not the way or the answer.
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You have survived every moment of your life, even the ones you swore you wouldn’t. This time is no different; you will last.
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You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery.
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‘No’ might make them angry, but it will make you free. If no one has ever told you, your freedom is more important than their anger.
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You don’t have to earn the right to live. You don’t have to be productive to deserve happiness. You don’t have to justify the space you take up in the world, the food you eat, the things you need physically or emotionally to keep moving forward another day. You deserve these things just because you are a living, breathing human being.
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I wish I was dead
whenever I get abused, I find myself thinking: ‘I wish I was dead’. but I shouldn't think that, because if anyone deserves to be dead, it’s my parents. why should I have to die and fulfil their greatest wish, why should they get to be happy when I've lived a miserable life?
I deserve happiness too. I deserve to find comfort in knowing that I can live my life the way I want and not be a punching bag for someone else when they're bored and entertain them with my misery.
I know all of this but I still wish I was dead. because life would be easier that way. and I wouldn’t have to be so tired all the time, tip toeing around the house hoping that I don’t look at someone the wrong way or make a sound and attract unwanted attention. I'm tired of being only able to go to two rooms in this place I'm supposed to call a home - my bedroom and the bathroom. I'm tired of having to pretend to the world that nothing is wrong.
#livingwithabusiveparents101#living with abusive parents 101#abuse#child abuse#physical abuse#emotional abuse#Psychological Abuse#abuse victim#emotionally abusive#parents#manipulative parents#abusive parents#toxic parents#toxic parenting#abusive family#physically abusive#abusive mom#abusive mum#long term abuse#family issues#toxic people
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'If there is a God, He will have to beg for my forgiveness.’
When I was younger, I believed in God. I had just started primary school and it was a Catholic school. They told us that if we prayed, God would listen. So I prayed each and every night, begging for help, that someone would make the pain and abuse stop, that someone would notice and help, that someone would take me away.
Spoiler alert, nothing happened. So my child mind reasoned that I must have done something truly awful in a past life for a child to be in my situation, to have parents who hated her and enjoyed abusing her. I stopped believing in a higher power soon after.
I can��t exactly remember when I came across the quote ‘If there is a God, He will have to beg for my forgiveness.’ but it spoke to me. People can try and justify my situation and what I had to live through, still have to live through every day but I will never ever believe in a higher power, a God. Because if someone like that truly existed, then they must enjoy laughing at all the cruelty in the world, at children like us who cursed at our own existence and wished we could just disappear, just to make the pain stop, to go away.
#livingwithabusiveparents101#living with abusive parents 101#abuse#religion#god#child abuse#physical abuse#emotional abuse#Psychological Abuse#abuse victim#quote#quotes#stockholm syndrome#ptsd#emotionally abusive#parents#manipulative parents#abusive parents#toxic parents#toxic parenting#abusive family#physically abusive#abusive mom#abusive mum#long term abuse#family issues#toxic people#forgiveness
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I don’t like depending on people, because people leave all the time. At the end of the day all you have is yourself and that has to be enough.
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You don’t have to be grateful that it isn’t worse.
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