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#love quote
we used to be close / n.j.
“We used to be close”, I say, but what I really mean is “I lost her and I don’t know how to get her back”, it’s “I’m sorry, but I can’t even remember what I did wrong”. When pride gets in the way and it’s difficult to own up to your mistakes, we tend to bury our apologies beneath fake smiles and empty words we do not mean. Suddenly we talk about the weather and our jobs, about things we know no one really cares about, and then we talk about nothing at all, our silence filling the spaces we carved between our outstretched hands. Sometimes your name pops up on my facebook and it makes me stop scrolling, because I still want to know what you’re up to and it kind of makes me sad because it no longer feels the same. It’s like I’m looking at a faded photograph I can no longer touch, I can no longer be a part of. I still want to know if you’re happy, and I hope you are, even if your happiness lies no longer with me. Even if you no longer share it, telling me of your latest adventures, no longer whisper secrets that smell like red wine and cherries, I still want to know. You can avert your eyes and pretend that you don’t see me in the streets, you can block my number. You don’t have to say hello to me ever again, even though we never really said goodbye. I can’t take back the things I told you and can’t erase the way I know you and always will. The memories we made sit in the back of my mind like deadweight, dragging me down, but I can’t forget. I won’t let myself forget.
All the writers, the singers and our mothers tell us about heartbreak and about love gone to waste. About the tears we will cry and how it will hurt but won’t matter years down the road. But what about friendships ending? What about friends turning into strangers? I wish there was a warning about some friendships coming with an expiration date. I wish we sometimes remembered that two people can part ways from one day to the next when they’d sworn they’d never end. I wish more of us acknowledged that losing a friend is as gutting as a failed relationship.
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I wish I could escape you

Put you in a box

Throw you far away

But I cannot.

You are my head

My brain

My feelings

My thoughts

And you’re killing me.

I just wish we could sort this out?

Instead I fear you

Hurt you

And what for?

Something I should be able to control?

You push me to my lowest

And cause unnecessary things

I will neve forgive you.

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One day the only thing that will matter

is you

and that you’re still on this planet

that you didn’t give up

and that you’re still fighting 

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And there was something about the way the stars lit up around you, almost involuntarily, as if they couldn’t help but shine in your presence; as if you were the night that brought them out.


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