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#mental abuse
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Dear Mother dearest

Mommy narcissist

Mother of manipulation

Groomer of guests

Do you remember that one time?

Or did that not happen?

Well it did, but it wasn’t that bad.

Why do I make you out to be THAT person?

It wasn’t a big deal.

I mean, it WAS a big deal.

But you didn’t mean to.

But you did.

But it wasn’t your fault.

No, it was mine.

We don’t talk about it

Except when we do

I’ve confided in my friends

But they’ve met you

Condescending charisma

You are so charming

You are so funny

I make a big deal out of everything

My memory is not correct

I’m crazy

I’m disrespectful

Malicious mother

Scalding criticism

Withering humiliation

Vast emotional caverns

We argue

You go offline

Recharge your narcissistic supply

I’ve set boundaries

But you call it abandonment

Bait me in with twisted apologies

Relinquish your control

Daggers roll off your tongue

Your words plague my brain

I am deeply flawed

My perceptions are insane

Invalidate my feelings

Slander your daughters name

Self sabotaged frustration

Called attention seeking

That’s what you’ve convinced them

An abnormal child

Impaired dysfunctional brain

Just a big disappointment

Degrading

Demeaning

Demoralized

Desensitized

Deny and deflect our situation

Cut me down to pieces

Make me question my reality

Deny me of our ugly truth

Shame me

Because it’s so much easier than shaming you

Leech the blood from my hemorrhaging heart, emotional vampire

Electrify your memoir

With dirty truths

And foggy nonfiction

Project your insecurities

I’ll swallow them whole

Like a plant absorbing light

Photosynthesizing your deceit

Reflect your beam off my damaged leaves

So much easier to keep me in the dark

But you didn’t know

I am a Spathiphyllum

Who grows in well drained soil

While you’ve overshadowed me

I do not need your validation to flourish

I have thrived through the debris

Through the darkest of soil

Though you’ve tried to bury my veracity

I will purify the air around me

Nourish the soil beneath

Bloom a new beginning

For there’s a new seed

With eyes bigger than the moon

Staring up and me

And for her

I set myself free

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More On Online Support Groups - Stay Cautious

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Like I said in a previous post, I created a new Facebook profile mainly to create a safe space I felt I could truly be myself without fear of my family’s influence. I began to look for pages pertaining to my situation soon after realizing group support in a physical setting was going to be very difficult to find in my area. One of the pages I found seemed like a perfect fit. However, it had a rule: if you attempted to join using a new profile, you needed to privately message an admin of the page to let them know why you were attempting to join using a new profile.

Their rationale was that internet trolls and the like are prone to making fake profiles to join these kinds of groups just to antagonize the members, and this was a preventative measure to weed out the bullies. It made sense to me, so I sent a join request with my new profile and immediately messaged one of the admins to explain my situation.

I didn’t hear from anyone all day. I didn’t think much of it for the first few hours (not everyone uses social media frequently after all). The next day, though, my anxiety kicked in. I decided to check whether the admin had seen my message yet, and got a bit of a surprise: the admin had blocked me.

Confused and a bit upset, I messaged another admin of the group letting them know what happened, and asked whether I had offended the other admin in some way. A day later, the second admin had blocked me too. I could also no longer see the page I had requested to join.

It’s interesting what little can send me into a spiral these days. It seems silly, but my brain immediately told me that I was being rejected. Thankfully, I found another group that has been a lot nicer. I asked the members if anyone else had experienced what I had, and the answers were surprisingly a resounding “yes”. Some said they had been shunned by the same group. Others said their posts were taken advantage of in other spaces that were supposedly deemed “safe”. It was horrifying.

Be careful when you join online support groups. Not all are created equal. I’ve had success with FB groups that have pre-screening questions. In general, be careful with the info you share. Have some kind of system in place. One person I talked to, for example, told me that they would only keep their posts/comments up for a few hours - then they would delete them. If you’re using reddit, you can use throwaway accounts. I’ve also seen people create tumblrs for the sole purpose of engaging with recovery blogs.

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“If you believe you are out of control, and that your thoughts and feelings throughly possess you and run you, then you may indeed bring about that result.”

- Albert Ellis | How To Control Your Anxiety Before It Controls You

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That moment when you realize you are full of abusive tendencies; becuase you’ve been raised by a verbal and emotional abuser, so you took after their actions growing up. But now you don’t know how to stop, you realize you get so full of emotions you can’t think straight, you can only think that you’re right, and that you are hurt. Then you finally say how you feel and realize youre completely overwhelmed, overreacting, and just taking your frustrations out on others. Then you realize you can be almost just as bad as your abuser was and you have no idea what to do because you strongly believe abusers cant get better; because you’ve NEVER seen any abuser or addict get better in your whole live, therefore you cant get better either. Now you feel like shit and wonder if you’ll be this way your whole life, bc you really see no way out of getting that overwhelmed by emotions.

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gosh you know it was kind of really fucked up for my mum to ruin therapy for me like that. for her to encourage me to open up then belittle me for it, get angry at me for ‘making her look bad’ when i didn’t even say what was really on my mind. i can’t go to therapy now, i can’t do it without thinking of her and i hate thinking of her. she ruined the one thing that could really maybe help me right now, and she doesn’t even remember it. did she know what she was doing?

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*TW*

I just witnessed abuse, I don’t know what to do?

I was hanging out with my brother and his girlfriend, she kind of lives with us etc etc.

It’s 1 am and I asked my brother about some product that helps your skin and he said come downstairs, so I did.

We were talking having a casual ok time you know then something small happened (they were inhaling each others breaths doing weird stuff).

His girlfriend is tiny and he is big so his lungs > hers. So he slapped her to tell her to inhale because he was in pain, it was a small slap so I didn’t care tbh like a joking one and she didn’t because again she is tiny she was breathless so he slapped her leg hard and didn’t notice it probably because he was in pain and she was kinda doing it on purpose.

I have PTSD from a terrible abusive relationship so I got triggered and said

What the fuck never hit her again.

She started crying and my brother started talking to her like omgg dont listen to that (pointing at me) we both know each other and she doesn’t, don’t be pressured by her wtf? I hit u a little like that (taps on his arm// he hit her harder than that).

He then turned to me and said Whenever you come down here you fuck it up!

I grabbed my shit and left. After a few minutes he called me on the phone and started yelling;

YOU ARE A SOCIOPATH WHAT THE HECK DO YOU WANT? YOU MADE HER CRY DON’T EVER TALK TO ME EVER AGAIN I DONT WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU DONT EVEN BOTHER TO GET ME ANYTHING (his birthday is close and hes leaving the country) DONT EVER TALK TO HER AGAIN YOU’RE INSANE! IT’S LIKE WHEN A KID FALLS AND THEY ARE FINE BUT THE PARENTS REACT HARSH SO THE KID CRIES THIS IS EXACTLY THAT! YOU ARE CRAZY-

I was like If you don’t wanna talk to me that bad hang up I don’t want to listen. So he yelled fine and I hung up.

I’m just really confused. Having a breakdown because well the same scenario happened to me and… Yeah.

I am worried he might genuinely hurt someone. After him calling me and telling me these just blew my mind. Playing the victim and blaming it on others is such an emotional abuse thing and… Yeah…

I guess I need advice everyone. He is leaving the country in a week for work. Should I do something? I know they won’t break up but… Is it really my business? Should I tell my parents or will that make everything worse?

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You want to see how people with DID/OSDD are treated? Let’s take my last mental hospital trip for example.


I was there for an overdose, and most of these examples are retold by my protector alter Cass. My little Rose will have a part in this too. So, I’m a system of numerous alters, and I was undiagnosed for a long while because no one believed me or took my symptoms seriously. But back to the example, so I’m at the mental hospital. One night in a dissociative episode caused by stress, I scratched up my arm to the point of causing bleeding, so my alter Cass took the front and went out to ask a nurse if he could get a bandage for our arm. (This is a nurse that previously treated me like shit, misgendered me, PURPOSELY made my time there hell on her shift.) Well, this lady refers to me, but Cass corrects her and uses the terms we and us to describe us. She goes “Do you normally choose to talk in 3rd person?” With a mean sneer before going to get a bandage.

The second example was in the aame hospital, same trip. Rose was in the quiet room, fronting, and we started to have a breakdown. Rose is 7, and doesn’t handle stress well. So he starts to thump our head on the wall (a bad coping habit of his). A nurse hears him and goes “I’m to tired to deal with you, stop doing that for attention.” As she repeatedly called Rose by my name, not by his name. Even though we told the nurses in intake that we are a system and are very sensitive. During all this a nurse tried to punish poor Cass (in a mocking tone, she didn’t believe us and though I was making Cass up) and threatened to send us to the adult unit for “misbehaving”.


Sorry it’s written so bad, I’m just furious at the blatant mistreatment of systems, the disgusting mockery and harassment. We shouldn’t be treated like utter shit, especially in a MENTAL HOSPITAL.

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This is going to be a vent post.

You know what’s disgusting, when I left my family and left everything behind including my cat (which my mother killed btw). When I left I didn’t know, my mother told everyone that I went missing. I left 5 years ago and I found out last year.

Not one time did my family friends check up on me. They had my number, my Facebook and my Instagram. Not one time. Instead they believed what they fucking heard. I can’t forgive them for that. I can’t forgive and forget. When I left, I felt so lonely. My bf is in America and he couldn’t be there psychically. That moment, when I left, I felt so alone, so broken, so humiliated. No one bothered to check up on me.

Instead they believed that I had a criminal record, I was on drugs, being a prostitution and dealing. Like wtf! If they had a common decency, they would check to see if that’s true and see me. But nope, they are a bunch of dumb cunts who believed in everything that they hear. Fucking rude!

Oh and btw… I go to America all the time. You can’t have a criminal record to visit America. But they belived my mother.

She even tried to get me sectioned and had me locked away because I was “unwell” and I needed her. Thank god I was stubborn and no one had the right to lock me away. That’s the crap I had to put up with for 2 years. After that, she had no legal right to contact me, since I took her off from my emergency contacts.

I’m still pissed after 5 years and I will probably never will get over that.

I can’t forgive and forget.

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to everyone living with their abusers

you are not alone

you are loved (by me and others)

remember that every time the person abuses you, you have an army of people who feel your pain standing behind you. we’re all in this together, and we will get through this. no matter how far away, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel and we can fight our way to it.

if you need to let it all out, feel free to message me. i’m here for you.

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Hi, I am more wondering if this is okay or not, so my mum is constantly attacking my weight and saying I should be losing it but I feel like that's somewhat normal? Like a lot of mothers do that from what I see. But it does make me feel bad and she does things like say my siblings and I can't get McDonald's and I'll say okay what if I don't get it and then she'll give it to everyone else? And she is just constantly pressuring me even though I tell her I'll lose weight in my own time please stop

Hi there,

I’m so sorry that your mom treats you like this! Unfortunately, it is quite common for mothers to pick on their kids’ weight. I’m not entirely sure why that is, but it does happen often. However, just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s okay! It’s never okay for anyone to make someone feel bad about their weight. It’s especially wrong for parents to do this to their kids since parents are supposed to be accepting and loving toward their children. Constantly putting someone down like this can actually be a form of mental abuse, so no, it’s absolutely not okay for your mum to treat you this way!

Know that it’s okay to stick up for yourself when your mum says these terrible things to/about you or to have someone else talk to her about it. This may be easier said than done depending on your relationship with her, but you don’t deserve her insults. It’s okay to point out that you don’t deserve her putting you down and that the double standard with your siblings (her picking on you and not your siblings) is also unfair. Although this might not change the way she treats you, it’s still worth a try since, as I’ve mentioned, you don’t deserve any of this.

Also remember that just because your mum says these things about your weight, that doesn’t make it true. There’s nothing wrong with you or your weight, no matter what your mum says. It’s really hard not to internalize negative things people say about you, but please know that you’re great just as you are right now. Also, the thing about people like this is that you can usually never make them happy, so even if you did lose weight she would probably find ways to keep putting you down. This means that you might as well learn to accept your body as is and try to block out the things your mum says about you as best as you can.

What you’re going through is hard, especially since most of us are trained to hate our bodies anyway, so having your mum making comments about your weight probably isn’t helping. For that reason, know that there’s nothing wrong with needing help as you deal with this. Therapists can actually be quite helpful for working through body image issues and improving your relationship with yourself. If this is something you’re interested in, feel free to check out our getting help page for more information about seeking professional help.

Take care!

-Samantha

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Hi Luna,

It’s been a week. Ang tanga tanga ko pero I’m strong enough to take everything and not bitter enough to still love.

God gave me a strong heart and I can see that. Although Luna, my mind hasn’t been good lately.

Recently nalaman ko na yung cause ng mental instability ko or diagnosis is a lie. Gulo? Well. I wasn’t close to being schizophrenic, my ex really lied and hindi ako wala sa reality.

I was fine all along and he was lying kaya when I opened up sa doctor na he said it wasn’t true etc. and I believed him kasi he looked firm and tinaya niya buhay ng family niya (I believe that shit) and ayun. Akala ko my mind was making up things. Turns out, yeah I have BPD but no, hindi ako close to being schizophrenic.

Thanks to a friend, I got the truth out of him. He neglected me the APOLOGY na I deserved and made me feel as if insane ako. May reason pala why pinabalik ako sa kanya ni Lord.

God made me come back to him so one day, I will be free from this horrifying lie and maayos ko na completely ang sarili ko.


Ayun Luna ang cute ko umiyak diba?

I guess whatever happened noong mga nakaraang buwan, helped me narin.

I’m about to apply sa BPO and guess what? I’m going to take my second degree na B.S. Psychology in UE and move to Manila again.

Okay na kami ng parents ko. Ate ko nalang talaga.

Hay nako Luna, napaka dami kong pinagdaanan pero I know I’ll do great sa mga susunod na month with God’s help.

Hindi naman kasi talaga ako magaling sa love life pero magaling ako mag-aral and baka work din? :)

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in you.

Show me the way I should go,

for to you I entrust my life.”

— Psalm 143:8

I think I’m patient naman and God will give me the right answers to my prayers sa right time. For now, I shall take care of myself more and do everything I can to fulfill his calling sa life ko.

Always,

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Gab 🌻

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