My Eating Disorder (so far)
I was always a skinny kid. I was incredibly active as I was in track, dance club, yoga club, and more in elementary. I was like a stick. I was under eighty pounds until I was in the 4th grade. Weight was never an issue.
Because of how active I was, I was always hungry. I would want to eat a lot but I never gained weight. However, my meals were restricted even as a kid because my birth father would always make me eat off of the kids menu, up until the age of 14. I would eat small portions when we went out but I didn’t see any harm in this. It was to save money, after all.
In middle school, I was still active but my figure started to fill out. I got more and more curvy each year but still relatively small. My appetite was still large, though. I loved food but I burned it off so quickly. When I was 12, my relationship with eating changed.
We were living with my birth fathers friends and the wife of his friend had opinions on how I ate. Her daughter was skin and bones so I should be like her too. She restricted my bowl of cereal size to ¼ cup and if I had waffles, I could have one. My dinner portions were incredibly tiny and she hardly let me have dessert. I was fat to her.
My mother’s family was no better. Her youngest brother, G, started to call me Porky and fatass and lardass. If I took seconds, he called me a pig. When my other uncle made hotdogs and I asked for two or three, I was only given one with small scoops of the sides. I was shamed for craving sweets. I started to resent food.
Now when I looked in the mirror, I saw a fat, disgusting girl. I exercised a lot and I would purposely make my portions small, going hungry every night.
My birth father also didn’t help. If I ate something that he wanted, he would throw things at me and call me fat and ugly. I was not allowed to eat before him. I couldn’t touch the snacks because they were his.
This went on until high school. I left home to live with my grandmother, G, and my other uncle, H. I stayed a normal, skinny weight in high school although I still had problems eating. I usually skipped breakfast, ate maybe half my lunch, and although I would eat dinner a lot, I was also a picky eater. If they made something I didn’t like, G made me go without eating. I was used to the feeling of being hungry.
After high school, I got depressed and ate everything and anything. I didn’t get overweight but the added calories filled out my curvy figure more. I had a large chest, big hips, and a noticeable butt. I hated it. Because I filled out, the fat comments got more noticeable. My mother, my sister, my uncles, my exes, etc. it was awful.
I started to diet, fast, exercise, you name it. I eat one meal a day, if that. The only added sugar I allow is soda because the sugar stops me from passing out (low blood sugar). Sometimes I have a sweet but no meal. No more breakfast. What is lunch? I just hate eating now.
I’m constantly tired now. My hair was starting to fall out. I bruise so easily. I’m always weak and I lose focus constantly. I’ve had break downs over it. I’m so hungry all the time. I’m starving myself. All. The. Time.
I have anorexia but it’s not as noticeable because I’m not super skinny like I want to be. I have body dismorphia too. I’m trying to get better though. I recently told my best friend and it’s the best choice I made.
She’s pulling me from my toxic environment. I’m going to live with her and my best friends, away from the family who continues to fat shame me. I’m going to try to get better not only for my friends who love me and are helping me but for myself.
I don’t want to always be hungry. I don’t want to hate food.
I don’t want to hate myself.
I want to recover. And I’m trying.