people keep telling me it gets better and that I shouldn’t give up but I‘ve been feeling this way for so many long miserable years that I‘m so close to giving up, because I‘m scared it will never get any better than this
The only thing thing that makes the pain relevant and meaningful
do you ever imagine what life would be like if you never knew the one person who makes your days better, who makes you actually look forward to the next day.
it’s honestly impossible.
i know i would be lost without her. even though she’s not right here. she’s with me in spirit. that sometimes doesn’t feel like enough, but i know i keep going for her. for the day i will be able to wrap my arms around her when i’m feeling down, or kiss her, just as i’ve imagined.
Send me ASKS!!
I’m mad bored y’all, there’s quite a big of you, lmk if you have questions ✨✨✨
If our relationship starts failing, let’s just get a little thera-pissed
Not gonna be active for a while I think… thought this was a decently safe place to just be me and do what I want but apparently not.. I miss how things used to be..
Goals this year
- Get therapy
- Get a binder
- Start buying the scene/emo clothes I want
- Get my first tattoo or piercing (other than my first standard ear piercing)
- Get a job at a trans friendly place
- Buy more “men’s” clothes
Last summer had the worst ocd crisis; atfer all those scars i got more emotional abuse and cried my eyes out :—-)
The thing is that, I’ve never been a skinny girl. Not once in my life. I just want to know how it feels to not have any fat to grab, to not jiggle everywhere walking. What is it like to look amazing in anything you wear. WHAT IS IT LIKE TO NOT THINK TWICE BEFORE EVERY LITTLE BITE YOU TAKE. TO NOT WANT TO DIE BECAUSE YOURE TAKING UP TOO MUCH SPACE
When you demonise all your friends in your head but can’t tell them or sort out the issues because they haven’t actually done anything wrong :)
• eat breakfast
• go for a walk
• eat fruits
• drink lots of water
• do yoga or workout
• everyday, tell something positive to yourself
• get enough sleep
• do things that you enjoy
I Am Not A Narcissist
I have refrained from responding to my stalker. I have tried my very best to keep myself quiet. My silence gives me power but now I can fully state my mind. My haters do not know about this blog, for now. I cannot stand false information being spread especially of serious mental conditions such as narcissism. So I’m going to talk about narcissistic traits and the personality disorder.
What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Well, it is an actual disorder. NPD is more than just taking a bunch of selfies for Instagram. It’s more than just using the words “I” and “me” all the time. It’s more than claiming being a victim of something. Because if it was then everyone would have the disorder. Everyone is naturally a little narcissistic and that is perfectly healthy and expected.
It’s when the sense of self becomes inexplicably and over the top of grandeur that a problem occurs. That’s when it become unhealthy and narcissistic.
The term Narcissist comes from a Greek fable. A man named Narcissus (which is a flower) was so in love with his own reflection that it would cause harm to others.
Now there’s a difference from being the regular narcissist to someone with the personality disorder.
Narcissism outside of the disorder is just an adjective for someone who is on the verge of harming others with their extreme sense of inflated ego. They may actually have another type of disorder that has narcissism as a symptom such as and not limited to Sociopathy and Antisocial Disorder aka Psychopathy.
A person with NPD is the ultimate narcissist. Instead of being a tell tale sign of another condition it is the condition. Unlike Antisocial disorders and schizophrenia, NPD is not genetic. However, like PTSD and DID/MPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a coping mechanism for dealing with past or current trauma.
That is correct, people with NPD or as victims of their abuse call them “Narcs” are victims of trauma. They are not born like that. Most have abandonment issues or have been abused in a way that they weren’t properly given the attention and nurture required to raise a healthy child.
How To Prevent NPD?
Unfortunately trauma comes in a variety of shapes, sizes and colors. The child mind is like a sponge, it absorbs everything. And if the environment around that child is even a little bit stressful, they could become traumatized. However, this is part of life. Eventually a child will find ways to cope with such events. Most children who grow up in stressful situations turn out completely fine and stable as adults. Children are resilient in many ways, however sometimes the mind breaks and coping turns into something darker.
For a child to later on have NPD they must be deprived of attention. This means either they are abandoned or feel abandoned by someone who neglects to give them nurture and safety. Or they have a family member get more attention and they see attention to be the same thing as love.
The second scenario is seen in a lot of munchausen cases. Where a child watches a family member be taken care of and doted on when sick so that child associates that in order to be loved and cared for they must be sick.
The first scenario can occur when a child is passed around in foster care or has parents who are preoccupied with other aspects. Even something simple as focusing more attention on a new baby and giving little attention to the older sibling can trigger an abandoned sense of self. Or for lack of words a refrigerator parent, someone who is cold and does not offer any form of affection. A good example is by looking at the wonderful tv show The Big Bang Theory. Leonard Hofstater’s Mom is a refrigerator mom. She shows little to no affection to her son and he is a narcissist because of that.
Refrigerator mom’s were once thought to cause autism back in the 1950’s. This has been debunked. Autism is genetic.
What is it like to be abused by someone with NPD?
God awful. I myself was abused by someone with NPD. His name was Chad, he’s my ex fiancé. I was with him for 4 years and it wasn’t until a while ago did his mom confess that he had NPD.
Let’s start with Chad’s life.
Chad was born in 1990, his mom was 15 and was a heavy smoker who smoked while pregnant. Chad was born premature and had to be rushed to urgent care for neonatals to save him from drowning. His father was also a teenager and married his mother Amanda. Unfortunately his father William cheated on Amanda 5 times and got 2 other girls pregnant. Amanda dropped out of high school to raise her son. She later remarried when she was 20 to a man with bipolar disorder named Steven. Steven was abusive. He would verbally and physically abuse Amanda in front of her sons. Amanda would stop nurturing her older son Chad to take care of her and Steven’s child, Dylan. Eventually she stopped attending to either of them.
Chad also knew he wasn’t Steven’s son. He later discovered his real dad had died of alcohol poisoning and had tried to visit prior. He also later met his other half siblings. Chad regularly witnessed trauma. He developed NPD as a coping mechanism.
NPD can protect a mind by allowing the person to put on a mask and hide their true selves. Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder has an extremely fragile ego and builds up an inflated sense of self to protect that ego. Their greatest fear is having someone see through their guise.
Narcissists who abuse will come off charming, they put on a mask to lure people in. When I first met Chad, I was 18 and he was 23. He was a country farm boy and for the first 6 months he was the sweetest thing. I was still in high school finishing up senior year and he would wake up at 5 am to call me before school started. He showered me with love and attention. I was used to be abused by my stepfather, I was also used to being heartbroken. So having someone dots on me and treat me like a queen was not a common phenomenon for me. I fell head over heels.
After I graduated Chad told me I should move away from my parents. I was in a bad situation and it was getting worse. He said he had a place for us to live, he had a job, told me we could start a family. I was young, I was stupid and to this very day I regret what happened next. I ran away to be with him. He had no place to live, he had no job, there was no money. He thought that since my stepfather had money that he could get ahold of it by taking me away. He was wrong.
Chad would slowly take off the charming mask. He would groom me into being the perfect puppet. His words became my gospel and I still hate myself for that to this day. One thing he said was “all women are evil and you cannot do a wicked thing to evil.” That’s what he would say when he would rape me. He convinced me that it wasn’t rape, that even though I told him to stop, that I deserved it. He told me I wanted it and that if I left no one would believe me.
I couldn’t leave. Where would I go? I had no money, he isolated me from my family and my friends. He made sure I was completely alone and vulnerable. If I ever did get money he would take it. He also refused to let me take my medication because I was easier to control without them. He would gaslight me, blame me for everything and would openly talk shit about me.
A phrase like “My girl here is batshit crazy. You can’t believe a word but only I can understand her. I’m the only one who truly can love her.” Was his way of saying to people “hey if she tells you I did something she’s lying.” He would also constantly tell me that no one else would love me for who I am because I was insane or too flawed.
When something went wrong in his life whether I was there or not I would take the blame. One time he got arrested for a DUI and I wasn’t in the car, I wasn’t even around. I was an hour away asleep. He called me and told me it was my fault he was arrested. The times he cheated on me was also my fault. One of his side chicks gave him an STD and some how it was my fault. He totaled his truck while driving drunk and it was my fault. His best friend killed himself and it was somehow my fault.
He would never take the blame for things. And when I tried to bring up instances where he was in the wrong he would gaslight me.
Gaslighting is when you make a person question reality through manipulation.
At some points the gaslighting would be so severe I couldn’t remember if the night before was a dream or not.
He had no morals, no empathy and could not love. He saw people as tools to use. When his best friend Roger shot himself instead of mourning his childhood friend he told people that he wanted to have Roger’s trucks, his house, his four wheelers and I quote “his job sense now they are hiring.” He didn’t care that his long term best friend from elementary school was dead. He only cared about his property.
How Does A Narcissist Abuse?
A narcissist will groom their victim into being completely submissive. They will first lure in the prey, then slowly reveal their true identity. Then when their victim does even a minor thing wrong the narcissist will leave. They will cut off all communication for maybe a day or two. Then they’ll come back and give as much attention as possible to keep their victims roped in. They repeat this over and over, extending the absence period each time and shortening the doting period. So for example the abuser will leave without a word for a week instead of a day then return and abuse their partner. After the abuse hey spend one or 2 days giving affection opposed to the past of giving a week or month.
This keeps the victim from leaving, they constantly crave the past. They think “oh well maybe if I do this thing right next time he or she will go back to how they were when we met.” It turns into a vicious cycle where the victim starts to abuse themselves into agreeing with their abuser that they are at fault not the person harming them.
Unfortunately once a person is groomed like this it’s very difficult to undo the damage. It’s also nearly impossible for victims to avoid other abusers. Almost every survivor of abuse becomes a victim again.
Am I Still Groomed?
Absolutely. It’s been almost 3 years since I broke free from the cycle. However, I still have ptsd from it and I still show signs of being groomed. In fact, when around other narcissists I forget myself and submit to abuse almost instantly. It’s absolutely horrible.
Worst Thing To Do To Any Victim/Survivor?
This varies from person to person. For me, the worst is having people from the outside looking in. Explaining to people who’ve never been abused on why I didn’t leave or who I fell for it all is obnoxious. But the worst is doubting a survivor or being told that it was my fault I got abused. That because I fell for a horrible person it’s my fault I was raped and it was my fault that I let myself be in a position where I wouldn’t leave. I hate people who say that. They would have done exactly what I and countless of other people have done if they were in our shoes. Do not blame survivors for being abused, that’s just cruel. And I get that people are curious and want to understand but asking questions with a judgmental tone can also be hurtful. You may angry at someone for getting abused but don’t attack them. They didn’t “let” it happen, it wasn’t a choice. It’s not like I wanted to be raped or have my head smashed against pavement over and over. It’s not like I wanted broken ribs or a spiral fracture in my arm. I didn’t want that at all.
Weird side effects
Sometimes survivors of narcissistic abuse take on their abuser’s traits. It’s not severe, it’s just a coping mechanism. The mind breaks and needs a way to process what is happening. Instead of saying “oh it’s because he’s doing this to us” it says “we’re the blame and we hate ourselves let’s blame something else so we don’t hate ourselves.” It’s a left over symptom of being abused. It eventually fades with time and healing but it can be worrisome at times.
How Did I Get Over It?
I found support groups online with people who went through a similar situation. Learning that I wasn’t alone helped me and saddened me. Talking about it also helped me. Processing that it wasn’t my fault and learning about NPD definitely helped me.
The key thing to know is it’s not your fault. If someone is abusing you it is their fault. And yes, husbands/wives or girlfriends/boyfriends can be raped by their partners. Just because there’s a relationship established doesn’t mean it’s not rape when you say no.
If you wait until you’re ready, you’ll be waiting forever. ⏳
#worldtraveler #entrepreneur #lifecoach #yogi #coach #teacher #fitnesscoach #yogateacher #empathy #compassion #mentalhealthawareness #kindnessmatters #dontbeadick #detroitstrong #strengthtraining #mentalfitness #mentalwellness #mentalhealthishealth #global #movement #detroitmovement #followme #justdoit
Kalau jatuh, jangan lupa bangkit lagi
Tahan air matamu, aku tau itu sakit
Di setiap jalan selalu ada rintangan
Kamu jalani sebagai tantangan
Akan ada penilaian, pikirmu
Tetapi, siapa peduli?
Hanya kamu yang merasakannya, bukan?
Mungkin kamu lelah berjuang, sendiri
Ingin berlari dan tak kembali
Hilang di telan bumi
Tetapi, apa kamu berani?
Bukan hanya kamu, aku juga di sini
Masih di sini dengan rasa dan pikiran yg tidak pernah tenang, akan tetapi selalu berkata pada diri,
“Ini belum berakhir,
masih ada jalan lain,
dan aku tidak sendiri”.
Di sini saya ingin mengatakan, banyak orang di luar sana yg mungkin merasa sendiri. Berperang dengan jiwanya dan berharap orang-orang mendukungnya. Menyerah dan menyalahkan diri adalah bukan ekspetasi, dan kita selalu ingin lari dan mati. Bukan hanya kalian, saya juga, tetapi kita harus bangkit sendiri dan buktikan kalau kita bisa menggapai mimpi. Bagi jiwa yg merasakannya, pasti akan berjuang apapun masalahnya, kalian tau rasa sakit, sedih, kesepian, bahkan marah. Bagaimanapun keadaannya kita bertanggung jawab dengan diri, tapi kamu gak sendiri.
Sebenarnya saya nulis ini karena teringat kata-kata teman saya, di mana waktu itu saya jatuh tapi tidak menangis. Dari situ saya berpikir, jatuh itu sudah biasa, saya tidak perlu menangisinya, sampai sekarang saya masih berani untuk jatuh sendiri, kalau jatuh berdua itu namanya apa yaa 🤔😗. Ok intinya jatuh itu sakit, saya tau itu, tapi tidak berlaku bagi saya. Bahkan saya hampir jatuh dan menyerah akan kehidupan, saya hanya bisa menanggung semuanya sendiri. Seberat apapun beban kalian, yg tau dan memahaminya hanya kalian sendiri.
Dengan tulisan di atas, saya mewakili teman-teman yg mungkin saat ini sedang merasakannya. Kalian tidak sendiri, benar, saya pernah di posisi itu, sakit dan lelah rasanya berjuang di saat tidak ada yg memahami kamu. Dari pengalaman saya, kalian bisa berbagi, bercerita dengan orang yg kalian percayai itu penting, carilah seseorang yg dapat mendengar dengan baik tanpa menghakimimu. Jika sudah tidak mampu menahan beratnya tekanan, segela pergi ke psikolog yg dapat menanganinya.