Badnik B-Ranks: Sonic 1
You might not know this, but I love Dr. Eggman, because as a sensible human being, of course I’m going to appreciate what is objectively the greatest fictional character of all time. And with that love, comes similar reverence for his legion of critter-powered walking coffins, the Badniks.
Over the years we’ve seen them in a multitude of shapes and colours, and they’ve based themselves on the animal kingdom, the plant kingdom, and in some cases, nothing at all. I love variety in my video game minions, and I love designs that are quirky yet deadly in equal measures, and wouldn’t you know it, the Badniks are all over that shit, all the while reflecting Eggman’s own character perfectly. So as a way of showing my appreciation, how about a ranking?
Today we’re doing the original Sonic the Hedgehog, because every story has a Genesis, and every Badnik has a Mega Drive. This sounded better in my head.
15. Bat Brain
Pull the string! PULL THE STRING!
We’ll start with these guys. They’re a bat enemy, and they behave as you’d expect, hanging on the roof and swiping for you when you get close.
There’s nothing wrong with them per say, but someone has to be at the bottom, so out of everyone in the Sonic 1 rogues gallery, it might as well be this one. That, and I think some of the later bat-niks in the series have the edge in terms of design.
14. Jaws
Don’t sue plz.
Jaws is alright, but I prefer Jawz. To me, Jawz is just the better Jaws. Jawz has a cooler design than Jaws. Jawz is faster than Jaws. Jawz is the Jaws that Jaws wished it could be. Still, Jaws is alright on their own, even if I do prefer Jawz.
...Jawz: The Revenge.
13. Chopper
I can’t make the obvious pun, because Sonic 2 beat me to it.
The first of the esteemed Fish That Blindsides You archetype. With these ones however, you’re unlikely to actually get blindsided unless you’re simply not paying attention. or if you have the memory of a gold...well.
There’s been a lot of fish-based Badniks over the years, and there are definitely others I prefer in that category, but these ones remain iconic nonetheless.
12. Ball Hog
If you see this guy in quantities, you know you’re near the end of the level.
Donkey Kongs at heart, they throw their little balls at you, and uh, that’s about it. There’s not a whole lot done with the pig theming, but as the final enemy introduced, they’re a reasonable opposition in tight spaces. Not that hard overall though.
At least they got a nice new coat of paint in Mania.
11. Burrobot
That’s right, that’s what they do.
I’d like to place these guys higher, but I prefer their Sonic 2 brethren a little more.
Still, the original mole model is a worthy precursor, burberry cap-shaped scalps and all. Compared to the Grounders, I can’t say I’ve ever been caught off guard by a Burrobot since it’s easy to spot their hiding places, but if nothing else, they compliment Labyrinth’s... Labyrinth-ness.
10. Bomb
Momentum lost.
...Yeah. Bomb. That’s its name. He comes from the same school as Bee, Crab, Starfish, Penguin, Whatever Chainspike Is, Scorpion...
Jokes aside, this guy is a notorious one, and for good reason. The clue’s in the name, so you gotta get out of there before it blows you up (BOOM), but on top of that, you also have to dodge the projectiles that come bursting out of ‘em afterwards. They even have the nerve to appear a second time in Scrap Brain, although they’re not quite as bad there. All in all, if anyone says Eggman is a joke of a villain, remind them that he made these guys. Then remind them that he also made the Metropolis trio. Did Mephiles make them? Did Surge? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
9. Newtron
He’s Oldtron now.
We got a double whammy here; two different forms of the same guy. The green ones stay in their place and do as chameleons do; the blue ones make a beeline for you cause their sight of their own colour gets them more pissed than American Kirby.
Out of the original-original Badniks, this one might be the craftiest. An early warning that not all of Eggman’s creations will be so easy. Which in turn, neatly foreshadows the trickier side of the doctor himself.
8. Splats
“How can you use this? There’s no Texan accent!”
Yes, I know they were never used, but it’s my list and I’ll do what I want.
Poor Splats had to wait all the way until Mania for their time to shine, and it’s a shame, because a pogo bunny is an inherently amusing concept. Everyone these days is rallying for Sally, when we should have been doing that for our pal Splats.
#Rally4Splats, everyone! I know it’s pointless now since they already made a return, but then again, so did Sally. Isn’t that right, Lanolin?
7. Motobug
He’s trying his best.
*Erik Estrada voice* DERE HE IS!
Who doesn’t love Motobug? Y’know, aside from Classic haters. They may not have actually appeared all that much until the 2010s, but even before that point, they were unquestionably the Goombas of the franchise. Are they just as pathetic? Yeah, they are, although I’m sure there’s at least one of you in the audience who foolishly ran into your first Motobug and died when you got into Sonic. That was NOT me, surprisingly. (That was reserved for other embarrassing Green Hill deaths.)
But we know who the greatest Motobug of them all is...
6. Spikes
Introducing Mr. Not Allowed in the American Manual.
This is basically just Motobug with spikes, so not much to say here. Still a cool one though, and I actually really like their Sonic 4 redesign:
5. Crabmeat
He’s brothers with Crabfish and Crabbeef.
This fellow has become a lot funnier in light of the Christmas Island crab fucking memes. No, I’m not giving any context. I’m just gonna let you sit there with that mental image. You’re welcome.
That aside, Crabmeat’s a classic, even if he’s beaten out in crushtacean-themed dickery by a certain Sonic 2 inclusion. Even then, they’re pretty sneaky for early game standards, particularly when they reappear in Spring Yard in frequent groups.
4. Roller
Eggman’s first attempt at a deepfake.
Before Metal Sonic, before the ambiguously related Mecha Sonics, we had this dude. An armadillo bot who can curl up just like Sonic, roll at great speeds just like Sonic, and make mighty leaps just like Sonic. Unlike Metal, it never had a Mechagodzilla phase.
Fun Fact: When I played Sonic 1 for the first time via Mega Collection on the GameCube, I watched the demo for Spring Yard and thought that the blue ball rolling and bouncing next to Sonic was supposed to be Metal Sonic. “OMG, Metal Sonic was in the first game??? :O” But nah, it was just Roller. I felt like a dummy. I should have blamed it on mandates.
3. Caterkiller
The Hungry Caterkiller.
Possibly the first real arsehole of the lot, this guy would force you to be a bit more strategic than those in the previous zone... and by that, I mean just press the down button while running instead of jump. Hitting them anywhere else will not only hurt you, it also divides the segments and scatters them around... usually right next to lava or descending spike traps.
They return in Scrap Brain, but just like the creatively-named Bomb, they’re ironically placed more generously in that zone, probably because they realised everything else would be killing you constantly anyway.
2. Buzz Bomber
Ya like Crush 40?
Out of all the Green Hill Badniks (AKA the mainstream ones that everyone knows), this one was always my favourite. What can I say, it’s just an unquestionably iconic design, and one that incorporates the bee motif in an elegant, clever way. You see Buzz Bomber, you understand Eggman’s style immediately.
Plus, Buzz Bomber itself is a great name. It’s even fun to say, isn’t it? Buzzzz Bomberrrr.
AND THE WINNER IS: ~Orbinaut~
In Labyrinth, he’s OrbiNNNGRRR. In Star Light, he’s Orbinah.
Yes, the crown goes to the original Cunt Badnik (Cuntnik?). We’ve all been screwed over by them at some point or another, courtesy of their simple but effective strategy. The steamed ones in Labyrinth are bad enough by forcing you to dodge their orbs in often enclosed spaces, but the chill ones in Star Light don’t even bother with that, yet still place themselves in tricky spots anyway. You have to use invincibility or invincibility frames to take those ones out, lest the animals trapped within remain in their sinister shells... forever.
These sea urchin-inspired bots would go to inspire many a derivative in the future, but as is, the original Orbinaut template remains one of the all-time greats of the Badnik lineup.
---
Next time, we’ll be looking at the Sonic 2 Badniks, where I’ll be getting knocked off the ledge repeatedly by Slicers.
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Voltron: Defenders of the Universe/Oldtron
Lotura
Summary: A small excerpt of Lotor's grand adventures concerning fatherhood.
He burnt the tip of his tongue on hot coffee, the immediate sensation caused him to jerk back only to spill hot liquid on the hairs of his chin, the documents on his desk and unfortunately his lap.
His scowl deepened, eyeing the stained paper work with annoyance. Though to be fair most of them were complaints, carefully worded protests against his current decrees, but complaints nonetheless. Truly, it was no true loss that a couple of drops of hot coffee got on them.
The sight perfectly articulated his current disdain. Placing the mug, Allura's favorite mug, that had mice dotted all around it, he remembered his strength, remembered that it was far too small for his hands, and that his dearest wife would likely chastise him for accidentally breaking it.
Actually-his eyes darted around the room, it was long dark outside. Well, not totally dark, he could still make out hues of dark purples and blues that were slowly fading as the moon rose higher. Because he had slightly propped his office window open, he can taste the faint flavor of salt. The tides were receding.
Sighing, he leans back, cracking each individual knuckle. It was quiet.
Too quiet.
Quiet like an omen.
He hadn't seen hide nor hair of his children since dinner. They had classes and training that they attended throughout most of the day. When they weren't occupied they either lazed around the house during the hotter times of the afternoon or ventured outside with their peers when it had cooled.
He grimaced. Paperwork could wait,he needed to ascertain that his children were indeed alive, in one piece and that nothing had caught fire.
Exiting, the hall lights were on, but no child in sight. He had left Kisari and Vax'ha with Ular, but he did not see them or hear them, nor did he call out for them. Quiet like an omen. Allura would never forgive him if any of their babies had gotten hurt under his watch, and he'd never forgive himself either for being negligent.
Distracted by the eerie quiet he nearly tripped and stumbled, his quick reflexes kept him from soaring face first into the hard floor.
His scowl is more prominent..he finds that what he had tripped over Is Kisari's stuffed-he squinted at it, the name of the animal is somewhere on the tip of his tongue, but it's lost in the rattle of his sleep-deprived mind.
Long neck, with brown spots - a gift from a Terran dignitary whose name escapes him, not that he cared in the slightest. However the toddler is nowhere in sight-his frown hardens.
He looks around "Kisari?"
No answer.
"Ular?"
No answer.
"Vax'ha?"
No answer.
Quiet like an omen.
It's not like her to leave her beloved toy about so carelessly "Kisari?"
His call is answered by a blood curdling scream, Vax'ha's more specifically. He learned not to panic, not too much anyways, children scream over anything, as time has come to teach him. Instead of his previous goal, he journeys up the third floor where the children's bedrooms lay, and finds the hallway oddly immaculate. He isn't sure whether to be impressed or suspicious, but finds the kids' bathroom door wide open.
It reeked of mud, usually it smelled like urine, courtesy of his sons' atrocious aim, and strongly scented bath bubbles.
He expected blood. A whole lot of blood, splattered on the white tiles and in between them. Broken bones sticking out of flesh and skin. A cut hand to a lesser extent, or worse a split skull. Allura would never let him live it down if something that serious happened on his watch. Despite not knowing the reason behind Vax'ha's shrieking he can already taste the bitter guilt on his tongue.
But, to his relief, none of the ugly, gruesome scenarios came to fruition. Instead of mangled bodies he finds Vax'ha taking refuge on top of the closed toilet seat, cheeks red with anger and equally angry tears.
And he finds the object of her distress-Kisari.
Tormenting her.
or rather with the mask she's wearing, that covers her whole head is the object of the torment. Gnarly and uncanny, the strange, animalistic noises the toddler makes isn't helping the matter.
"Stop it!" Vax'ha yells again "I said stop it!" Kisari ignores her cries and continues the guttural, growling noise she's making in the back of her mouth, savoring her sister's anguish in childish glee.
"Daddy!" It's then he is noticed "make her stop!" She stamps her feet against the porcelain "she won't stop!" He sighed, walking over, yanking the mask off the toddler's head, her dark eyes blink upwards.
"Kisari, why are you terrorizing your sister?" He doubts he'll get answers, but asks nonetheless.
"Papa?" Her brows knit together.
"Don't papa me, why are you tormenting Vax'ha?"
"Cause."
"Cause isn't an answer" he replies patiently "and where did you get this?" He had it stored somewhere in the basement, a priceless artifact from a bygone era, made of feathers, faded in color, and wood so old, the trees it was made from have long been extinct. It is or was a type mask meant to intimidate enemies on the battlefield when his people had only been a small group of small, yet thriving tribes.
Of course they were that no longer. They no longer have need of these, but it was a wedding gift from the Witch chosen from her old assortment of ancient collections.
He had kept this in the storage room. How did Kisari get a hold of this was the unanswered question.
Did someone leave the door open?
"Found it!"
"Where exactly?"
"On chair" she meant couch. What was this doing on the couch? He turns it in his hands before placing it on the counter, and yanks Kisari from the floor, and in his arms. Vax'ha angrily rubs her tear-stained cheeks.
"Where's Ular-"
"Everyone move!" Lyra stormed into the room in a hail of ivory hair “Vax'ha get off the the-” too late, she ended up puking onto the white tile floor while clutching her stomach. It all happened within the blink of an eye, he could barely react as An’tok came stalking in after her.
“I told you not to get up!” he yelled at her.
“Shut-up….” she mutters, as he keeps her from keeling over.
“Hey!” another voice enters the fray “there’s the mask! How did it get there?! Are you throwing up!?”
Quiet like an omen
Lotor sighs. It was going to be one of those nights
_
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Today's Flipper Friday: Gottlieb Egghead!
The titular character, displayed both on the playfield and on the backglass (above the title; not shown) is a jester-like humanoid portrayed with an actual egg as a head. This literal 'egghead,' which is defined by Merriam-Webster as (noun, often attributive, informal, and disparaging,) "a person with intellectual interests or pretensions" or "a brainy person," ironically wears a dunce cap.
Egghead uses a large portion of the playfield to lay out the tic-tac-toe square in an arrangement of dead and pop bumpers. X or O is selected by certain targets on the game, and then placed on the board inexplicably held by two models (the rest of the scene makes this ostentation feel out of place) by hitting the corresponding bumper.
The details on the backglass for this are impressive - it's the kind of backglass you can examine for several minutes. It features an endearingly-named robot named Oxie, who, less endearingly, has lightbulb eyes that look as though they are bulging out of their sockets in stress or shock. Oxie is playing a group of women who look, in contrast, calm and relaxed.
There are comical pieces of writing everywhere: "press here" and "use dial" on the complex contraption, "ROBUT" and "STATOS HERE" showing a vowel mixup between Oxie and the machine, and a table listing "newtrons," "oldtrons," and "usedtrons," being a few.
Another silly reference that requires some electrical knowledge to appreciate is below the "Quiet! Genius At Work!" on the experimenter's lab coat, for example, a statue of Mercury stands above an electrical switch labeled "Mercury switches," which appears to be a pun on a type of switch. (Incidentally, the two types of mercury switches involve tilting and plunging the element to affect current.)
If the flippers are strong, the game might be enjoyable; if they are not, though, such as if the game is at a show (which this was), the game may not be quite so enjoyable, as it becomes a matter of luck and nudging to get any tics, tacs, or toes on the way down from a plunge, with little to no ability to get back up into the tic-tac-toe matrix.
No, autocorrect, not tacos.
Sadly.
#pinball
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