#omg can bucky run a lil pet goat farm in the states

[starkerkeyz]

Choices Hurt

ANGST and Infinity War Spoilers and Endgame Spoilers and maybe even a little FFH Spoilers if you squint. When you’re sad, write other people being sad too, and then you’re not as sad. It’s fact.

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Peter comes surging up out of the darkness of his dreams to the feeling of tears trailing sticky and wet down his face and neck and into his ears. He looks up at the ceiling for a moment that goes on for several lifetimes and is over by the time he’s done blinking. He doesn’t make a sound; if he starts he won’t stop and nobody wants to overhear him at whatever-time-of-night it is.

His chest feels hollow tonight. He’s so empty sometimes. He goes to bed and when he closes his eyes he remembers the feeling of slipping away. Of losing bits and pieces slowly, creeping up his hands and feet, extremities first; like Peter was the puppy put down at the pound. But at least Thanos had done it humanely, right? Because here’s the thing.

It didn’t hurt to die.

The fear that gripped him when he understood what was going on? That hurt. Seeing Mr. Stark’s eyes when he understood what was going on? Peter wishes sometimes he hadn’t come back so he wouldn’t have to remember the frantic hugging, wouldn’t have to crave having his arms around Mr. Stark just one more time, wouldn’t have to remember that-

That Mr. Stark is-

Peter lifts his hand to his mouth and places his palms flat and heavy across his lips. It doesn’t stop the keen from building at the back of his tongue so he squeezes his eyes shut and digs his nails into his cheeks until there’s pain and salt and crescents of stinging anchors tying him back down. 

It wasn’t painless for Mr. Stark. But it was peaceful. Restful. He chose it. Mr. Stark wasn’t a discarded mutt being euthanized for resource management; he walked his path and made his mistakes and he paid for them in blood but he chose it. 

He died a hero’s death; painful, bloody, and victorious.

“We won, Mr. Stark.” Peter’s sobbing into his palm as he rolls over and pulls the blankets up over his head. Being in his own room isn’t a comfort when he’s alone with his memories. He’d rather be here, under the blanket, where it was dark and warm and nobody could see just how broken he was inside. 

He remembers Tony’s death more clearly than his own and he thinks it’s funny when he’s not trying to forget it all. Funny in that way you can laugh after wrecking your car; funny like he could just laugh and laugh and laugh and claw his throat open with his own good humor. 

Everyone’s so proud of him. He’s handling things so well. Mr. Stark chose him and if Mr. Stark can be trusted to make decisions like how to save the universe and when to give up his life then that means Peter must be perfect. He can’t let Mr. Stark down.

Mr. Stark who figured out time travel to bring Peter back from the dead but Peter isn’t supposed to (isn’t allowed) to try and bring Mr. Stark back because.

Because-

Because he chose to die.

“No, no, no, Mr. Stark, please, I don’t- I don’t feel good, now, right now, Mr. Stark...where are you...why...why did you…” Why did you leave me? Peter can’t say it out loud, not even alone in his room under the blanket. He’s tried; the words snarl up in his throat and he feels like he’s been sewn up with fishing line from the inside out. 

He’s a mess of a person and he’s not getting better and nobody knows because by the time the sun rises the tears will be gone. The shaking and the panic will have receded back into his unconscious. Any lingering redness is so easily hidden behind the shades Mr. Stark gave him.

It’s like Mr. Stark predicated that, too.

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I don’t know how to end things sometimes and it comes off really dramatic. Poor Peter; the next thing I write I’ll try to be nicer to you babyboy.

#starker #honestly could be platonic too #endgame spoilers #ffh spoilers #Where is bucky to comfort my poor baby #your mans needs you chop chop leave the goats #omg can bucky run a lil pet goat farm in the states #he likes them now #peter visits #they bond over goats #fainting goats #or nigerian dwarf goats #don't read my tags I like goats far too much