#originalbydondria

[originalbydondria]

...like the omen

I am not here

I am clearly not

I could cry

Fill a mug

And it would empty

To you

But the age would strip cup

Alchemize it to glass

I am not here

I am clearly not

The crawl over my skin

The deep rooted knots

An illusion of the worst kind

Pain so crippling

But you dont believe it

I am not here

I am clearly not

Unless I leave for good

Now you have these thoughts

Lies I suspect

Because I cant reply back

To remind you of your silence

And your lack

The empty responses

"You'll be alright"

But all of the sudden

You knew something wasnt right

Oh now you care

Or you wish you were there

Or I'd come to you

Like I wasnt right there

I am not here

Clearly I am not

In the dark I drown

In the brown I rot

I lacked the desire to mask

You feign fear to ask

I reached out my hand

The side you can see

Funny how seen the unseen

Can be

Until seeing is noticing

Humanity

I am not here

I am clearly not

D. Ondria

03022024

#ecosystem of creatives #african american writers #blackgirlmagic #african american authors #originalbydondria #black writers #creative writing #black creatives #black women writers #original by d ondria

[writingamongtheroses-archive]

Last Line Tag

Thanks for the tag, @catharticallysarcastic! This is from Heartbeat, warning for blood:

“Holy shit!”

The master bedroom was a mess. The closet was wide open, scattered clothing failing to hide an open metal trapdoor. It looked like the mattress had been thrown aside and the bedding had been torn off entirely. Pictures had been knocked askew. What made Jordan pale was the red streaks splattered everywhere, the scent of copper starting to fill the room.

“The water’s running,” Catalina said. She pushed past him, making an effort to look away from the blood. He couldn’t take his eyes off it until there was a gasp. “Liza!”

Jordan ran in.

The water in the tub was running. Liza was sprawled out in it, the bedding wrapped tightly around herself. The water was red. Cat was already on her knees, feeling for a pulse. “She’s still alive.”

I’ll tag, with no pressure, @originalbydondria , @pinespittinink, @rhikasa, @alcego-writes, @absolute-nonsense-scribblings, @crystallized-ink, @bleedingccity, @monumenttojustice, @bronwyn-writes, @talesofsorrowandofruin, @mayawritesbooks, @lanawritesalittle, @ajbrooks-writes, @paperandredink, @jennawritesstories, @sad-small-writer, @kibberswrites, @re-writing-h, @somealienquill, @kryskakikomi, @dioramic, @you-are-my-neverland, @magic-is-something-we-create, @sunlight-and-starskies, @elywritesbydarkness, and @shadescrawls.

#tag game #heartbeat #heartbeat series #wip #writblr

[originalbydondria]

Still here and also

Very much so

Not.

D. Ondria

#ecosystem of creatives #african american writers #blackgirlmagic #african american authors #originalbydondria #creative writing #black creatives #black women writers #black writers #original by d ondria

[originalbydondria]

The Void, The Exhaustion, and Affirmations

Here's the final thought to the posts from before...

I spent my entire life encouraging myself. I have been burned out and pouring fumes into myself since my age had a 1 in front of it - it's a 3 now so do I need to say I am tired?

At the risk of turning this into a conversation about validation let me just say this - we all need and want it. Yes, it should come from or at least start from within, but it helps to also get a boost, a pouring from elsewhere.

I'm from Southern California so I can only liken it to the days difference before and after pix of damn that's dry/low natural water spurces to OMG THE DELUGE post-rain pix that happened earlier this year. I am currently in the the where tf did the water go side of this thing. Whatever. Because this, this very act of writing and formating and hitting publish to drop this thing off into the void. I'm going to get into what you might be thinking of my persistent use of this word soon.

The fact of the matter is writing, creating anything uses up some kind of energy. Even when it energizes, something is being used up. Time. Space. Quiet. And thankfully, each new day is a replenishment of these and other things. Or at least you hope it is. That the drag towards Monday doesn't create a contiuation of tired on Tuesday. Lucky, privleged, and blessed is the writer that can and only has to do that - to create. And I find a lot of the advice types do exactly that and seem to not acknowledge know or understand that MOST of us have to balance this with various draining faucets of life - work, family, friends, bills, health, spiritual things, mental things, etc... But I talked about this already.

I hate affirmations. I already know things can and will be better. I don't need to be affirmed. I want to see and experience it for myself. I already know I am awesome. I just want to feel it. I already know that this post is good or I wouldnt have hit publish. It would be nice to see some evidence of that. It would be nice to get something poured in to pour back out.

So here I address the void. The internet is just that. There are millions if not billions of pages and people and bots and blogs and pictures and posts and thoughts and feelings that create this never-ending bottomless pit of content for any and everybody to wade around in. I imagine if we lived to old testatment level ages, all of that time still wouldn't be enough to see everything. And there is nothing wrong with that. But that is why I call it a void. Because it is. No different than saying sky is the limit. Because it is. Unless you know how to get to space.

So I am trying to believe in the build it and they will come just by doing this. And honestly, none of ths is easy and honestly, it doesn't always feel like any post will float on top of the void. And no, I do not want to risk the expense of fume fueled energy on a real project (I do fiction btw *link to story here https://www.tumblr.com/originalbydondria/631790156302729216/will-they-even-read-it?source=share*) that is just going to drop off into nothing. But I press on because in that cloud of fumes and exhaustion is just enough residue, that stubborn inexhaustible drop of fuel that I can only call purpose, that keeps my dumbass coming back here to the silence of the posted piece.

D. Ondria

08172023 (originally written. Remembered to post 09172023)

#ecosystem of creatives #african american writers #blackgirlmagic #african american authors #originalbydondria #black writers #creative writing #black creatives #black women writers #original by d ondria

[originalbydondria]

Honestly

Honestly, I am tired. I am in limbo between giving up and pressing on. I am running on my own fumes and have been for years...decades. but I am not fully sure I'd know fuel if I had it.

Honestly, it would have been nice is Covid ended all the world. And quarantine, was both horrible and beautiful. The planet was healing but the humans were breaking. Hmmm...

Honestly, I write and post these kinds of things because there are too many people that will give you the 5 and 10 points to making it or finding whatever and never once mention the steps in between or the reality of the mass amounts of people and money and shielding and relief they had along the way. I can't lie like that.

Honestly, writing IS easy. Having the brain space, the peace, the energy to do it is hard. Trying to squeeze out a minute when the only one doing anything is you is hard. Not having the means to outsource draining tasks is hard. Already ignoring yourself so you can just keep going is hard.

Honestly, schedules are easy. But exhausting. And when the only control you have is none, finding time that is very much so right there in the midst of a ready to burn forest full of exhaustion is hard.

Honestly.

Honestly, I could follow those steps. I could come up with my own based on those moments from day long to months long and spew them here as if it was all so easy and YOU CAN DO IT TOO.

But honestly, all we can, any of us, do is try.

I am trying.

That once a week thing was flowing until it wasn't. I was going to finally post a story but I just couldn't. Too much pain. Too much fear. Too little energy. Too many steps and no guard rails.

Honestly.

D. Ondria

08062023

#ecosystem of creatives #african american writers #blackgirlmagic #african american authors #originalbydondria #black writers #creative writing #black creatives #black women writers #original by d ondria #support anyone? #hi #help #idkwtfiad

[originalbydondria]

Idfk

I was watching something about spirituality and tuning in to that parts of ourselves and it made me think about a bunch of things. What I am unhiatus'ing for is to speak on imagining life to be.

I'm going to be honest and say as a Black woman in America of particular life/LIVED experience that it is hard to imagine a beautiful life here. A life that FEELS great or at least real to who I am as a person. Society here is thick. It is a thick, dense oily cloud of shit constantly speaking on what one must have to be happy or successful or comfortable and creating systems that put us in constant pursuit of that thing and moving the 'mission accomplished' sign further and further back as we try to move forward.

I say it is oily because even when you rise above the damn thing, the residue lingers. Sure, you might not give an actual damn about name brands, but life here definitely has a price and the prices gatekeep the quality and the quality matters, sometimes.

The bills, the care and products to uphold care, the debt, fun of going here and there all has a price tag. Nothing wrong with that but how does it really feel? Will it still be good after the experience is over? When the food is digested? The product is discontinued? The clothes dont fit? The shoes are worn?

Does it still FEEL good when things that made it look good fade away and leave you in its wake?

But it is hard to imagine a life that FEELS good in a space that seems stubbornly fixed on making sure certain people dont get to feel good in the ways they exist. A place that refuses to acknowledge it creates and upholds things that harm a lot of people for NO REAL REASON. Where the consequence of exisiting no more or less than how and who you really are can result in being denied safety or advancement or peace or acceptance or the basic respect or consideration that certain others would never have to think about NOT having.

The point of this is I want to imagine and create a life that feels right the same way I can on paper but reality feels...sticky. It feels permeable and yet...like trying to get water through concrete... And I am tried of being in a water drop situation where it will take millennia to make a dent. I want pressure washer, no, water cutter levels - a free and unencumbered flow through my tiny little presence in this big world, carving away.

I don't know.

D. Ondria

07082023

#ecosystem of creatives #african american writers #blackgirlmagic #african american authors #originalbydondria #black writers #creative writing #black creatives #black women writers #original by d ondria

[originalbydondria]

Late Post

The first quarter of this year has been pure trash for me and I am not htting the wall but embedded in it at the moment so...

And then on top of that, I had an idea for this week's post and didn't write it down so...

(5 days later)

I still don't remember. So if you like any parts of this blog and have suggestions or want to see something expanded on, let me know.

That's the post. 🤷🏾‍♀️

D. Ondria

04102023

#ecosystem of creatives #african american writers #african american authors #originalbydondria #black writers #creative writing #black creatives #blackgirlmagic #black women writers #original by d ondria

[originalbydondria]

Ta Ta for Now

I like writing about random and magical things.

Sci fi and a pretty specific brand of fantasy and fiction are my things and if you follow me on @outwriterandom then you can see what that is.

I like bitching into the void about which things are difficult about writing. How when prose flows but descriptions falter. How I struggle with the consideration of writing scripts instead but this writer's strike makes such a pursuit at this big ass age seem unattainable (shout out to and support tf out of them!). Or maybe I haven't told void about that yet. Whatever. Those posts are fun to write.

But I have about what feels like a million things to deal with away from the screen and notebook. Things I need to clear so anything can flow again

Yup, time for me to bail again.

Til it aint.

Peace

D. Ondria

05162023

#ecosystem of creatives #african american writers #blackgirlmagic #african american authors #originalbydondria #black writers #creative writing #black creatives #black women writers #original by d ondria

[originalbydondria]

I'd like the time and the privilege

To lay down and cry

To let the room fill up

To fully drown like the heaviness

Of my chest

Suggests

I already am

I would love to have a moment

To be weak

To let go

And wouldn't need it

If I could just be

And get a little respect

And a little less on the end of expect

And be accepted

I would really appreciate some care

I don't have to do

All by myself

Because my arms are tired

The hands too heavy to lift

As I have been drained for 160 hours this month

And will lose again the next

God willing

Even though they aren't willing

To see me thrive

As long as the body is alive

And responding as needed

I would love to lay down

And just let go

For swing lo sweet chariot

To carry me anywhere

That really feels like home

D. Ondria

12222022

#ecosystem of creatives #african american writers #blackgirlmagic #african american authors #originalbydondria #black creatives #black women writers #black writers #creative writing #original by d ondria #poetry by d ondria #poetic moment #african american poetry #african american poets #black poetry

[originalbydondria]

Love

Okay, this is going to be random.

If you haven't seen the Spartacus series on Starz (2010) - I will say with all bias that you must see it immediately!

If you have and shout out to tumblr being full of fan blogs, I am going to talk about the scene here and why I think it is...romantic: https://www.tumblr.com/fuckyeahcrixusandnaevia-blog/53995499714/zurik23m-ashur-vs-naevia

Okay, memory refreshed? Link o' gifs viewed? Do you think I am insane?

Cool.

So my favorite thing about this whole moment, outside of Naevia getting to fully yeet Ashur into the afterlife in the harshest and most violent way possible, is Crixus' reactions during her fight. His face shows all the fear and concern his love for her holds. He could have easily manned the situation and been done with Ashur in a swing. So what really makes this romantic to me is his confidence and most importantly, his respect for Naevia. The coddling, the protection vibes, are internal and initmate between them, but he respects her agency as a whole person to handle this one on her own. And if you have seen the show, we know this is early Naevia 2.0. This is not her final kick ass form. And still he respects why she needs this instead of acting in the knowing that she just might not make it. Ashur was a trash gladiator but that is still stronger than a chick with only a few months training on her, right? Love here is all about the respect. For her pain, her trauma, her endurance, the growth of her strength, her right as a free person to take care of and defend her own honor, and to be willing to watch the love of your life possibly die in the attempt to reclaim her strength, self worth and so many other things in the process.

This show in general is one of my favorite stories because there are so many moments where people are and subvert the generalizations of the era where history would have you believe people didnt get unique until modern times. But people have always been people-ing and I love to see shows and movies or read books that let's that be a major point of fact.

D. Ondria

03302023

#ecosystem of creatives #african american writers #blackgirlmagic #african american authors #originalbydondria #black writers #creative writing #black creatives #black women writers #original by d ondria #spartacus

[originalbydondria]

Real world >> creating.

I hate this but I hate my situation more.

I hope I can post next week or...February.

I wanted to try to get back to once a week but I am not sure so...there. notified.

😜

D. Ondria

#ecosystem of creatives #african american writers #blackgirlmagic #african american authors #originalbydondria #black creatives #black women writers #black writers #creative writing #original by d ondria

[originalbydondria]

No tumblr, no problem. You can also read new posts at the following sites.

Icon is the pix at @outwriterandom 😌

#ecosystem of creatives #african american writers #blackgirlmagic #african american authors #originalbydondria #black creatives #black women writers #black writers #creative writing #original by d ondria

[originalbydondria]

Nope

No post this week. Sleep deprevation n other shit won out.

Lots of things here to read.

All new stuff is here: https://outwriterandom.wordpress.com

D. Ondria

03012023

#ecosystem of creatives #african american writers #blackgirlmagic #african american authors #originalbydondria #black creatives #black women writers #black writers #creative writing #original by d ondria

[originalbydondria]

Unfinished Business

So I am not delusional about why I write but rarely finish things. The first posts of 2023 are pretty clear but let me sum up by saying that I do not have the financial privilege to pursue my art and purpose fully and so the time and energy drain of living and surviving prevents that flow of creation from running freely.

Welp, that said I am here to bitch about the cliche of discipline over inspiration.

Discipline often feels very much so like work or oppression sometimes. It is the doing of something consistently and "no matter what." But that "what" can carry a lot of pain, a lot of issues and obligations, and sure, excuses too. Thankfully with writing there's editing that can reinject some love and passion back into a discipline-ly wrote thing. But I don't know, dear reader, if you ever tried to write by the force of discipline, by the whip of consistency, AND what you came up with came out great. If so, teach me. For real. Because I have yet to find that to be the case.

So I tend to write by inspiration, or as I call it now, very rarely. Hard to be inspired when every new day prices you out of progress. Or when overthinking or any thinking really is fully occupied with trying to find a way out of situations that steal joy. When all the so called stability others say you have feels like an illusion. That the ground isn't there. But once in that space, even just a moment every once in a while, that feeling of floating, of calm and peace, of a glimpse of heaven when there is nothing but the flow of things. There's no time, just flow. It is hard to explain which is what makes it precious, dare I say, better.

Discipline, consistency can be taught or become a habit, I guess. But nothing beats the flow of inspiration, the call of the divine in the language of your purpose, that whisper of purpose moving something within that feels more right than any regimen ever could.

D. Ondria

02062023

To all the hustle til you die people, good for you. This wasn't for you. To anyone who felt like this and got out of it or found a balance, you are encouraged to leave your how tos. There will be a part 2...possibly 3.

#ecosystem of creatives #african american writers #blackgirlmagic #african american authors #originalbydondria #black creatives #black women writers #black writers #creative writing #original by d ondria #no reblog #share the link

[originalbydondria]

What do you like to read?

Seriously, let me know...genre...topics...writing prompts...

D. Ondria

#african american writers #blackgirlmagic #ecosystem of creatives #originalbydondria #african american authors #black creatives #black women writers #black writers #creative writing #original by d ondria #interact please #are you even there

[originalbydondria]

We whisper our love

And scream our hate

Find comfort in our indifference

And wonder why hell is all around

D. Ondria

01252023

#ecosystem of creatives #african american writers #blackgirlmagic #african american authors #originalbydondria #black creatives #black women writers #black writers #creative writing #original by d ondria