Happy Pansexual Day of Visibility ✨🌈
A little known fact is that I actually identify as pansexual. On this Pansexual Day of Visibility, maybe I’ll talk a bit more about that...
I have identified as pansexual for many years, and most of the people closest to me know that, but I don’t tend to talk about it much outside that inner circle. I usually refer to myself as gay in part to spare myself the annoying conversations (of which I’ve had many).
Here are some of the more frustrating myth-based attitudes I’ve personally encountered:
People who treat pansexuality as a ‘novelty label’ (just a candy-coated way of saying bisexual) and will tell me all about what they think of that.
People who think pansexuality means I’m attracted to everyone all the time (sex addict) or that I’m seeking to ‘play the field’ as much as possible and ‘sample all the types of people’ (slutty/pervy) rather than simply being ‘attracted to people regardless of their gender’.
People who genuinely believe that pansexuality encompasses age and not just gender (i.e. that pansexuals are pedophiles who are attracted to minors as well).
People who believe that pansexuality is a kink for certain identities rather than an interest in/attraction for people regardless of gender.
People who believe that unless I’ve dated or slept with people of various identities, the orientation is theoretical.
People who believe that if they’ve never personally witnessed me expressing an attraction to other genders, the orientation must be theoretical or even ‘put on’.
People who assume that because I’m married to a man, I’m obviously gay and can’t be bi/pansexual.
People who believe that because I’m more attracted to men than other genders, I am gay and can’t be bi/pansexual (aka attraction to people of various genders must be equal rather than existing on a spectrum).
I’m sure I’m probably forgetting a bunch. There’s a phenomenon of “being pushed back into the closet” and wow, does it ever apply to talking about being pansexual. At least for me. So many times I’ve thought, “Why, oh WHY did I have to mention this?” 😅
So to clear things up for those who might be holding some of the above misconceptions, here’s what pansexuality is:
Experiencing attraction for people regardless of their assigned gender, gender identity or gender expression.
That’s it.
Pansexuality and bisexuality are largely interchangeable labels for many people, it’s true, but there is a lot of controversy about those two identities and what makes them the same and what distinguishes them from one another. Not everyone agrees on those meanings, and not everyone understands them as interchangeable. To this I say: use the term that you feel comfortable with. No one else gets to define or describe who you are.
No, pansexual people are not ‘oversexed’ or ‘promiscuous’ as a group. Just as being heterosexual doesn’t make you suddenly want to fuck everyone you see, neither does being pansexual.
No, just NO about the whole pedophile thing. It’s just another example of bigots trying to demonize queer identities and scare people away from accepting and supporting them.
No, pansexuality isn’t a kink.
No, there is no requirement for any sexual orientation to be ‘test driven’ in order to be valid. The idea is completely absurd. That would be like saying that you have to date everyone on the planet before you know for sure you’re in love with a particular individual. Crazy.
No, other people’s identities/orientations are not defined by whether you’ve personally witnessed them.
No, the fact that I’m eating an apple doesn’t make me allergic to all other fruits. I'm capable of enjoying a wide variety of fruits 😏.
Everything exists on a spectrum, including sexual/romantic attraction. Every person has their own particular leanings and interests, and no two people experience them in the same way. As Robyn Ochs put it, “I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.” We are the only people who get to define and describe who we are. No one else has any right to speak over us on that stuff.
I personally tend to be attracted to men much more frequently than to other people, and I also tend to have romantic attractions to men more frequently than others. But I have had both sexual and romantic attractions to a wide variety of people (*cough*Kirsten Stewart*cough*cough*), and I even explored some of those attractions in my younger years (no, sadly I haven’t dated KS 😅) .
But for whatever reason, men are my gravity, and always have been.
That doesn’t make me any less pansexual. It just makes it easier and more convenient to describe myself as gay. In fact, I identify strongly with both labels. I view myself as both gay AND pansexual. Both feel true. And like I said, we get to define ourselves in whatever terms resonate with us. This is my truth.
I encourage everyone to explore and define your own truth, and never let anyone else try to tell you who you are.
There are always going to be some struggles between people as we get to know each other and try to come to terms with our differences.
Just a reminder to everyone that we all have much more in common than we have differences between us. If we are struggling to get our heads around the idea of a different identity or orientation, it’s always best to start with the assumption that in all major ways they’re just like us, and work outward from there. The same is true for any ‘difference’, be it race, religion, social background, etc.
Of course there are differences between us, but starting out from a perspective that someone is like us - as opposed to focusing on the differences - humanizes others and makes us more compassionate, more open and more realistic as we grapple with understanding those differences. Everyone is human first, and (X label, trait, experience or identity) comes after that.
Anyway, wishing you all an empowered experience of identity/orientation, whatever that might be for you. 💖🦄
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