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#parasite is better in every possible way and i will fight the entire academy myself
rnaryjune · 4 years
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you guys ready for the hottest take this oscar season?
Parasite did more to showcase society and its class issues than Joker could have ever hoped to.
Give Bong Joon-Ho all the awards.
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bewareofchris · 7 years
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If you're still accepting promps, what about one where Shaun finally meets some of these semi-celebrities in real life that he has been chatting to over all these years?
Pg-13 | Altmal | sexual situations?  Embarrassment?  Kind of disjointed.  The only Shaun I’ve ever written was written 100 years ago and he was a sniper and in love with Malik, so…
son-of-no-one: @guyfawkes23, we’re going to be in England next month.  maybe you could show @sass-badger, how one properly handles a laptop. 
There was a great number of things that Shaun expected he’d manage with his life.  (And almost none of them had ended with him working in the basement IT office of a company he didn’t particularly like.)  He’d expected, by twenty five, to have a good job, a nice flat, possibly a girlfriend and an endless array of prospects.  Here he was, a troll in the dungeon, wearing a polo and a nametag with his name misspelled (for the third time in a row, so he’d given up).  He did have a flat, and a job but neither were nice exactly.  Instead of a girlfriend he had:
“You have to meet them,” Rebecca.
“I don’t,” Shaun countered.  “I have no desire for my private life to be splashed about the papers.  There’s enough speculation about me already.”
Rebecca folded her arms across the high top of the desk his monitor was hidden under.  She narrowed her eyes at him, to convey that he was completely wrong, and said, “setting aside that it would just be stupid not to meet the people you’ve spent an increasingly large number of hours harassing on social media, you would be stupid not to meet these men.  One of them is a billionaire who inherited several multinational businesses.  He already likes you, how hard would it be for you to network yourself into a nice job?”
“And I suppose,” he said motioning to the side, “right after I’ve got one for myself I could recommend you?”
Rebecca didn’t say duh but conveyed it with her entire body.  
“No,” Shaun said.
guyfawkes23: @son-of-no-one, @sass-badger, have you tried turning it off and on again?
notyourbrother: @guyfawkes32, its like the sun and the wind over here, could you please just agree to meet these idiots.
shaunrocks1: RT “@guyfawkes23, its like the sun and the wind…” I’m sure he’d show up if you did.
notyourbrother: @guyfawkes23, @shaunrocks1, done.
“It doesn’t count as you winning,” Altair said. 
Kadar couldn’t be 100% sure that it was even the first time he’d said it.  It had all the earmarks of having been the sixth, seventh or one millionth time that he said it because Malik’s counter was said in the exact way he repeated himself when he knew he couldn’t lose.  
“It does,” Malik said.  “Kadar and I are practically interchangeable.”
Kadar was just lounging in the first class waiting room, sinking into the seats that were more comfortable than his bed, trying not to get involved.  He had resolved not to use the headphones until they were actually on the plane (because the last thing he needed was to listen to them argue for god-knows-how-many-hours).  So, he could perfectly hear Altiar’s scoff, and the way he motioned at Kadar and when he said,
“So if you’re interchangeable, I should blow him in the airplane bathroom.”
“Uh,” Kadar said quietly.  
Malik whipped around to glare at him for having the audacity to not immediately be disgusted and outraged by the offer.  (It wasn’t that he was lusting after Altair, but that he hadn’t sex with anyone since Stephanie and just the possibility of having his penis touched by another person was enticing.)  “No,” Malik said to him, like he’d offered to let Altair suck his dick.  
“What were you going to get if you won?” Kadar asked.  He leaned forward so Altair could see he was being spoken to.
Altair didn’t answer but grin and that meant whatever it was, Malik wasn’t going to give up without a fight.  
“Well, as the officially winner of the bet who is not interchangeable with his brother, I say you both lost so you should just both pay up.”  Before Malik could be offended more, he added, “to each other.”
guyfawkes23: I’m off to settle, once and for all, if @notyourbrother is really three toddlers in a trenchcoat.  
bestofthree: rt “@guyfawkes23: i’m off to settle…”  He is.  I’ve already settled it.
The super rich man, his boyfriend and his boyfriends little brother had graciously agreed to meet Shaun anywhere he preferred.  The correspondence had been accomplished through a intermediary (perhaps so neither side had the other’s contact information if they found out they hated one another).  Shaun had been trying to cope with the reality of his life, and with Rebecca’s over-excited chattering, so he had named the first deli that crossed his mind.  
That was how he ended up meeting Altair (just as intimidating in person), Malik (slightly more handsome in living colors) and Kadar (a good three times taller than expected) in the same deli that he stopped to grab a bite in every other day.
Rebecca was there too, sitting at the table while Shaun stood awkwardly (underdressed, underprepared, overall very underwhelming in comparison) to greet the three strangers.  “Yes, hello,” he said.  “Did you bring the laptop?” as a means of a joke.
Altair smiled (in a forgiving way).  Malik looked confused.  Kadar was biting his lip at the end of the line, looking as if he were working very hard not to laugh at them all.  “Are you shaunrocks1?” he asked Rebecca.
“Also known as Rebecca,” she said and reached her hand up to shake his.  “I lost a bet.  You’re notyourbrother?”
“Yes,” Kadar said.  “All my friends call me Kadar.”  Then he pulled a chair out from the opposite side of the table and invited himself to sit.  “So if I wanted to order something I could only get in England, what would I order?”
Shaun cleared his throat and motioned at the table.  “Please sit.”
guyfawkes23: not sure if @notyourbrother is three toddlers but he definitely has three stomachs.
They relaxed by degrees, eased along the way by how Kadar didn’t seem to be able to maintain an atmosphere of awkwardness with anyone.  Malik was as prickly in person as he seemed online, the kind of guy that was easily mistaken to be uppity (not that Malik wasn’t arrogant).  
Altair was the one Shaun couldn’t quite figure out.  That must have been how he’d let himself be invited to dinner the next night.  Because he sat across the table from the man, held a conversation with him about local sights to see and the sorts of food that Kadar had to try while he was here, and not once did it seem as if he were speaking to an actual person.
“He’s weird, isn’t he?” Shaun asked once he’d closed the flat door behind them.  
Rebecca was shrugging it off like it was nothing.  “Which one?  I wouldn’t describe any of them as average.”
“Altair,” Shaun said.
“I didn’t notice.  Did you expect Kadar to be that tall?  He was huge.”
“No,” Shaun admitted.  “I expected him to be half that size.  If that much.”  
They compared notes, about expectation and reality, until long past bedtime.
sass-badger: as I’ve said before, the anonymous internet is welcome to speculate as they wish.  I neither encourage nor discourage fan-based creations.  
sass-badger: however, if you’re tweeting questions at me you wouldn’t ask a stranger, please take a moment to rethink your choice.
notyourbrother: come on, @sass-badger they just want to know if you had a threesome with @guyfawkes23!
sass-badger: its a very long walk home,@notyourbrother.
Altair snorted at the phone as the notifications popped up on the screen.  He was killing time, lingering out on the sidewalk while he waited for Shaun to show up.  It was entirely possible the man wasn’t going to show up (it was hard to tell how that first meeting had gone).  Ten minutes after the time they’d agreed on, Shaun arrived red-in-the-face, clutching the strap of his bag and panting from exertion.  
“I’m here,” he gasped as he folded forward, hands around his knees as he sucked in air.  “Sorry I’m late.”
It was hard to know how to respond to that, “I could have sent a car.”
“No,” Shaun assured him as he stood up straight again.  “It’s fine.  I just haven’t had a reason to run in a bit.”  He huffed in an attempt to stop breathing heavy.  “We can’t all be good at athletics.”  Like an afterthought he added, “and academics, and be handsome,” he motioned at Altair’s entire body.  
“I have a horrible family if that makes you feel better,” Altair offered.
“Yes, that does help.”
“Good,” seemed like the correct response.  “Well, I brought you here to buy you clothes.”  He motioned at the storefront.  “They make very nice suits.”
“Ah,” Shaun said.  “That’ll be nice, everyone needs a good suit to be buried in.”
There was no real way to know how to take that.  “I’m not going to kill you.  Maria wanted to meet you so we’re going to a slightly different restaurant than we agreed on.”
“Maria Thorpe?  The Academy Award winning actress, Maria Thorpe?” Shaun repeated.
“Yes.”  He slid his phone back into his pocket.  “Is that okay?”
“Sure,” Shaun agreed.  
Altair wasn’t exactly sure how to handle Shaun’s contained energy.  It was very like London when she was begging for table scraps without wanting to beg.  As much as she tried, she simply couldn’t stand still, and that was Shaun, shifting on his feet but trying not to.  “Am I making you nervous?”
“I’m naturally very nervous,” Shaun assured him.  “I do best far away, you know behind a computer screen.  I find that’s where I excel.”
“You don’t have to do this if you’re uncomfortable.”
Shaun laughed, “I rather think I do have to do it.  What would I tell everyone if I didn’t?  I had the chance to meet Maria Thorpe but I turned it down?  I was offered a nice suit and I thought, this polo was nice enough already.”  He laughed as his hand plucked at his shirt and it caught on his name tag hanging off his shirt.  “This isn’t even how you spell my name.  I don’t believe I’ll turn this down just because I’m nervous.”
So they went.
shaunrocks1: my life is complete, i got kissed by @mariathorpe.
Kadar must have had parasites.  The man was far taller than Shaun expected (somewhat rudely, based entirely on his internet persona) but he wasn’t as fat as a cow despite how much he’d eaten.  While Rebecca was slow-dancing with Maria (Thorpe, Academy Award Winning Actress), Shaun had declined the offer in favor of staying safely sitting at the table with his very nice new suit.  
“Have you gotten used to all this?” Shaun asked.  He motioned at the table of abandoned plates, and the glamour of a dance floor, and the spectacle of money that surrounded them.  If he were a few years younger he might have started ranting about the entitlement of money.  Yet, here he was, smack in the middle of it, feeling smallish and out of place.
“No,” Kadar said.  He set his fork down when he finished eating.  “You have to stop staring at Altair, man.  He’s just a guy.”
“Was I staring?”
Kadar nodded.  “A lot.”
Shaun looked embarrassed.  “He’s just–”  There was no word to sum it up.  There was simply something about Altair that was unnerving, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on.  It felt like a word on the tip of his tongue, as if he could just figure out the first letter he could figure out the rest.  
“Just a guy,” Kadar said.  “Hey, they’re supposed to go romantic sight-seeing tomorrow.  You want to meet somewhere and be regular humans?”
“What would regular humans do?” Shaun asked.
“Are you really going to act like you haven’t been teasing me with your super elite gaming prowess for the past year?  I want to see this super console that you and your roommate made.  I’ll buy food, drink, snacks, hookers, drugs, whatever you want.  I came to England to see this.”
Shaun laughed.  “Sure,” he said.
“Great,” Kadar said.  Then he stood up and dropped his napkin on the table.  “Come on, you came all this way, you can’t leave without dancing.”  He dragged Shaun up to his feet and over to the little dance floor.  “Only I hope you can lead because the only person I’ve danced with is bossy and she wouldn’t let me lead.”  
Shaun felt ridiculous, “I can try.”
They must have been too embarrassing to tolerate because Altair appeared after a moment to say, “let me,” and he slid into the space where Kadar had been.  Shaun looked over his shoulder to see Kadar going to dance with Maria (Thorpe, Academy Award and BAFTA Award winning actress) while Rebecca was chatting with Malik as they headed back to the table.  
“I’m not very good at this,” Shaun said.
Altair smiled and, for the first time, it seemed perfectly at ease.  “I am,” he said with zero humility.  Then he showed Shaun where to put his hands.  It was doomed to fail and so it was very confusing to suddenly be spurred into smooth motion.  Altair stepped backward, using his fingers to guide Shaun in a way that shouldn’t have worked.
“This is a bit insane,” Shaun whispered, and when the song came to an end, he was laughing from nerves while Altair’s hand took him by the wrist and pulled him back to the table.  Dessert had appeared while they were gone.  “I feel properly romanced,” he said when he took his seat.  
“Hey,” Malik objected.  Altair kissed him before he could say anything else.  It wasn’t entirely platonic or appropriate but that didn’t really stop them.
“Yeah,” Kadar whispered into his ear, “watching Altair dance with other guys supercharges Malik’s libido.  They’ll be like all night.  Just ignore it.”  
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